Someday I Will Understand
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: A/U: 2nd in Our Day Will Come Universe. Knees pressed to the ground,dirt in my lungs. I cried into the the Earth wishing that B's time machine actually worked. This is the story of my survival..so forgive the triggers cuz it gets pretty intense, even for me. A/U
1. Chapter 1:Fade to Black

_**A/N: This story has been a labor of love for me and I couldn't just let them go off into the sunset. I warn you that what is ahead is rough and gritty. I apologize for any hurt it may cause in advance. Expect every trigger that I haven't hit yet. I can't even pretend that I know where it is going but I do know how it ends and hopefully it will be satisfying. I really don't believe in concrete happy endings because life just doesn't work like that but I will say that it does end better than it starts. Te Prometo! A/U (and obviously I don't own Glee)**_

* * *

**Chapter 1: Fade to Black (Metallica)**

* * *

**_I have spent years setting myself up to fail but somewhere along the way all of that changed. _**

**_Somewhere along the way I realized that the self sabotage was just a projection of other people's failures. _**

**_I decided that I had to live for me. _**

**_I had to grasp my future by the balls and not let go._**

* * *

_"Slow down NoNo! Tell me what happened..." _

I sat there stone faced as I listened to one of the toughest guys I knew as he sobbed in my ear like a baby.

I knew that this couldn't be good news.

I knew that in my time knowing him, Noah has never dropped a tear, except for the day that he had to say goodbye to Beth.

I hoped to God, that nothing had happened to her because if he was bad I knew that Quinn would be ten times worse.

I was getting a headache as I stood outside of Isaac's room. I waited patiently for him to catch his breath.

I waited an eternity for him to break my heart into a billion pieces and when it finally happened, when Noah finally told me what had happened, I felt like someone had punched me in the face.

I was speechless.

My stomach was turning and my head was spinning...I had to sit down.

I had to breathe.

* * *

I closed my eyes and tried to wake up from the nightmare that I knew that I was caught in.

This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening.

It was just senseless...desperate.

It just made no fucking sense to me.

I could feel anger and sadness at war within my own heart.

I had an uncomfortable itch under my skin...it was something I hadn't felt in months.

It was the tremor of an addict.

It was an itch to numb myself with cocaine.

I swallowed back the frustration that I felt and then ran a hand over my flat stomach.

The baby was my anchor.

It was the only thing keeping me from walking out the door and seeking out the first dealer that I saw.

I was dedicated for the baby and I could only thank God for that.

I had forgotten that I was still clutching the phone until I heard Noah breathe out in nothing louder than a whisper,

_"TT, are you there? Are you okay?"_

_"I'm going to uhhh...I'll call you back okay?" _I stuttered.

I couldn't handle his tears.

They reminded me that this wasn't some horrible dream.

_"Okay. Call me...don't forget!" _

I remember graduation and I just nodded without any other response.

* * *

After I hung up the phone, I just sat there at the top of the steps like a zombie.

I couldn't stop replaying things in my head.

I could have prevented this...I was sure of it.

I was torturing myself with the semantics.

I knew on a conscious level that over analyzing this, wasn't helping me deal but it was just the way my mind was working.

I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all.

It was all wrong and I felt like on some molecular level I was being punished, that living with this pain would be my penance for all the bad that I had done.

Leave it me to think like a Catholic at a time like this!

I can't even continue along that vein of thought though because the implications...ugh!

I was so fucking pissed.

I just wanted things to make sense.

I just wanted some kind of warning...anything, to let me know that this was going to happen.

But I mean how much can you prepare for death...even when you are expecting it?

And why...why couldn't things just continue to be happy like they had been since we arrived in New York?

It had been two whole months since we left Lima, two months of happiness, laughter, and memory making.

I mean I was even getting along with Rachel Berry as if we were bffs.

That is how good things were in my life at that moment.

Everything was just so amazing and so happy in our lives, that we didn't stop to think about the bad stuff that had happened in the past year.

We were all learning our new surroundings and doing everything to make that townhouse our home.

The house had come alive with Quinn moving in and Rachel staying for the summer.

Britt and I were in an insanely good place in our marriage, we had good days and bad moments but nothing major like Frankie.

* * *

All that mushy, silly stuff that most people think is romantic was what our daily lives consisted of.

I am not one for the corny stuff but seeing Britt smile and laugh was all that mattered as I humiliated myself for her enjoyment.

Life was good and to top it all off, Isaac was healthy.

I couldn't ask for more. I was actually happy, everyday!

But of course...the world, shit the whole fucking universe can only take a happy Santana G. Lopez but for so long.

I had my share of happiness and so now it was time for the madness to begin again.

Just my luck!

* * *

Rachel and Quinn had gone off on date night and were going to be home soon so that we could all watch bad reality shows and have cheddar popcorn (my craving of the week), when Puck called the first time.

I had rushed him off the phone and told him to call me back in an hour.

He didn't argue because Isaac was currently screaming in my ear. He hated bath time.

It was the only time he cried and no matter what Puck wanted, it would have to wait until my baby was clean and in bed.

So, color me surprised that Puck had been crying during the first phone call, I barely heard him over Isaac.

I had just put Isaac down for the night when the phone rang, call him a slacker all you want but Noah has always been punctual, at least when it comes to me.

If I could go back that would be something I would have wished differently.

I wished that I could have put off the phone call until someone else was home with me.

Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time over analyzing everything.

I should have known that something was up because I hadn't talked to Puck all summer, not since he was working and studying every chance that he got so that he could get into the state police academy.

So, I, of course, was excited that I finally had a free moment to talk to him...but it wasn't a social call like I had assumed it to be.

Like it should have been.

No, this call was one that I'm sure he never wanted to make and one I never wanted to receive.

* * *

I sat at the top of the steps sobbing as I kept replaying the word over and over again.

_"Dead...dead...dead." _

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I had conquered the world it seemed and then as soon as I thought I had everything figured out the world came crashing down again.

In truth I had come to expect bad things back when we were still in Lima but the happy months somehow made this kind of news that much more unbearable.

If I had still been a little numb and not so soft, then maybe when Noah called with the news, I would have been able to take it standing up.

I cursed my happiness and vowed to never allow myself to become that invested in my own happiness ever again.

I knew that I should have wanted to be happy forever but now that the world had righted its greavious error of allowing me time to smile, I wouldn't be so foolish again.

I was staring unseeing out of the stained glass window that was above the landing of the steps but I wasn't really seeing anything.

I was trapped within my own head, trying to patch together the pieces of my broken soul and shattered heart.

Why had it come to this?

* * *

_"San? We're back! Where are you?"_

I heard Q and Rachel coming into the foyer, a floor below where I was sitting but I didn't move a muscle, they would find me soon enough.

I didn't even attempt to wipe the tears from my face, they would just be replaced with new ones, so why even try?

My throat was closed up and clogged from my tears. I could barely speak enough to whisper, let alone call out my location in the house.

I couldn't process anything past the phone call.

Where was Britt...I needed B. Of all days for her to have a night class...why now?

My knees were drawn against my chest as I sat against the banister at the top of the steps.

I could have easily tipped down them but I was certain that moving was not happening.

I couldn't get myself to move if I wanted to.

Thank God for my skinny ass.

There was at least a foot between me and the edge.

I buried my face in my arms, effectively, covering up my tears, I had tried to wipe them away before either of the girls found me but it was useless.

I knew better.

I didn't bother to raise my head when I heard light pounding on the stairs.

I had told Rachel about that. Isaac's room was literally right across from the stairs.

It was how I knew it was her because everyone else had listened.

I was angry.

Angry with her fucking heavy elephant foot steps and angry because my world had just crumbled and all I could think about was her waking up Isaac.

I could easily put him back to sleep...so why was I stressing?

* * *

_"She's up here babe!"_ I heard Rachel say as she hovered above me. _"She's uh crying Q." _

I shouldn't have been mad about her yelling but I was.

Why didn't she understand that there was a baby sleeping in the room just behind me?

_"Oh my God! Oh my God!"_ I heard Quinn mumble from the bottom of the steps.

Puck must have texted her just like I knew that he would.

I knew that he would be worried about me throwing up my walls and he was right...I was trying to numb myself to the best of my ability.

Quinn came sprinting up the stairs but still wasn't like her girlfriend.

I raised up my head just enough so that I could see her.

Quinn's face was flushed and she looked like I felt.

She pushed Rachel to the side gently and then leaned over and wrapped me in her arms the moment that she saw me.

_"Oh my God...I can't...believe this is even happening! Do you know anything? Of course you don't...Puck said you didn't." _

I looked up at her and the moment that I saw her eyes tearing up, I felt a new wave of tears crest up and fall down my cheeks.

This was bad.

My whole body was shaking with a need to numb myself with coke.

My stomach ached, because dinner had been on hold until Quinn got home.

My head felt like it was going to split in half from all the crying.

I just couldn't handle this kind of stress but I had no choice but to accept it.

* * *

I had just hit my third month in a very healthy pregnancy and was completely stress free up until that moment.

Brittany had done everything in her power to make sure that I was happy.

That I was safe and that I didn't think about snorting coke.

It was a daily struggle for me in the beginning but with Britt by my side it got easier and easier.

I had adapted well to a stress free life, I hadn't dropped a single tear in months and now I was inconsolable.

I was trying my damndest to throw up my walls but couldn't manage it alone.

I needed my wife. Nobody else could help me feel guarded and safe like Brittany and at that moment that was all that I wanted and needed.

_"I need B...where the fuck is B?" _I finally managed to say.

Quinn looked at me and nodded her head in understanding.

She looked up at Rachel who was still fucking hovering while Quinn sat wrapped around me and immediately Rachel whipped out her phone and began texting.

Finally, she was doing something fucking useful!

I must have been glaring at Rachel because Quinn put her hands on either side of my face and leaned close to me so that I would only look at her.

My eyes flicked to hers, the flecks of gold in her eyes, shining behind her tears.

_"Have you eaten?" _She whispered.

It took me a moment to absorb her words and then to remember if I had eaten.

_"No."_ I said quietly.

_"Do you want something?"_

_"No. I'm nauseous."_ I said as I looked into her eyes.

I was starving and she knew it but she didn't push me like Britt would have.

_"Come on...let's get you in bed. Britt's class should have ended ten minutes ago...she should be home soon." _

I had already showered and was in my pajamas when Noah had called, so getting me into my bed was no problem at all.

This was the only night of the week that Britt had a night class...it was the only night I ate dinner alone...

I curled up and cuddled my body pillow.

The moment that I could smell Britt's fragrance I began sobbing.

I felt so alone and dead inside.

* * *

**Alone...dead and alone.**

* * *

I laid in the darkness and buried my head deeper into the pillow as I looked out of the window at the city skyline.

This was supposed to be a good time in my life.

Senseless.

My mind was just going around and around.

I felt so cold inside.

Quinn had gone off to call Britt and had left me to my own bitter thoughts, my body still throbbing and aching.

I wanted to use.

I bit into my lip and tried to calm my breathing.

It would be so easy to do just one line...it would work so well at numbing me.

I felt the flutter in my stomach and tried to keep breathing.

_"I know baby...I know you're there."_

If it was a year ago something like this would have caused me to go on a week-long coke binge, pregnant or not but now...now I had nothing but my tears to console me because I was going to keep this baby safe, even from me..._especially from me,_ no matter what!

The door creaked open and then closed quickly.

The lamp by the door was clicked onto the dimmest setting but I still buried my eyes and blocked out the light.

I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to see the look in her eyes...I just craved her touch.

_"Ana? Baby I'm home. Puck called me. Q told me what happened...are you alright? Can I get you anything? I know that you didn't eat."_

_"No...not hungry...just come hold me...okay?"_ I mumbled half into the pillow, hoping that she wouldn't try to shove food down my throat.

_"Okay."_

I let out a sight of relief when she accepted my words...a first.

I heard her kick her shoes off and drop her bag to the floor.

I knew that in four huge steps and a jump she would be right behind me, spooning me and trying her best to make me feel better.

**One...**

There was so much to figure out.

**Two...**

Could I have changed this?

**Three...**

Did she really get the ache this caused me?

**Four...**

I just need to wake up from this nightmare!

**Jump...**

Brittany. Peace.

* * *

I curled up more around the pillow, the moment that I felt the warmth of Britt's body surrounding me.

_"We are going to have to fly back to Lima, there's no time to drive."_ she whispered after a while.

_"I know."_

_"Do you think Isaac can handle the flight?"_

_"I don't know."_ I shrugged.

_"I don't know if I'm going to be able to miss my classes, its finals week."_

_"Then don't miss them."_

_"I want to be there with you."_

_"But you don't have to be...I'm fine...ok?"_

_"Please, don't shut me out Ana. We moved passed that part of our relationship."_

_"I know."_

_"Just talk to me."_

_"I don't know what you want me to say, B."_

_"Just tell me what you need."_

_"Ian...I need Ian."_

_"That's not possible..."_

_"No fucking kidding because he...he fucking killed himself this morning and I...I don't know how to fucking handle it! I could have saved him!"_


	2. Chapter 2:Between two Lungs

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, the adds, and the reads. I urge you to continue reading and to drop me a review! It let's me know that I'm doing something right.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Between two Lungs (Florence + the Machine)**

* * *

_**"No fucking kidding because he...he fucking killed himself this morning and I...I don't know how to fucking handle it! I could have saved him!"**_

* * *

_"You can't blame yourself for this Ana."_

_"Says who?"_

_"Says me, Ian wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this."_

_"How the fuck, do you know what he would want? How can you possibly tell me that I shouldn't blame myself? I knew he was hurting when we left Lima...I knew about the hurt that was done to him and then I up and left him in that shit hole and took Isaac away! He even told me once that me and Isaac was all that he lived for, so why didn't I bring him here with us? Why was I so fucking selfish?"_

I couldn't stop beating myself up over this and Britt was only making it worse by trying to pacify me.

I didn't need to hear her kind words or have her tell me that I couldn't be to blame.

I didn't want to hear anything at all.

I was frustrated and annoyed with her without meaning to be.

I was annoyed with myself because I couldn't rationalize just how I had gone from needing Britt beyond belief to wanting her to just go away.

My emotions were too out of control.

For someone who had felt such insane jealousy over my relationship with my son's father, Britt was being supportive and patient even when I yelled at her.

It made me feel like shit.

I cried even harder as I thought about what a bitch I was being.

Britt was humming in my ear and just held me closer.

This was why I had wanted her so badly, with everything that she felt, she was always willing to put her pride to the side and just hold me.

She was the reason that I fought for my sobriety.

She knew that I had a tough road ahead and she just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was there for me. I was counting on it.

* * *

It was no secret that Ian's family didn't approve of me or Isaac.

We had tainted their pure Irish bloodline and I knew for a fact that his mother thought we were nothing more than leeches.

Ian begged me to let him tell his mother that I wasn't after money.

He wanted me to basically show her my bank ledger but I refused.

It wasn't her fucking business.

I never asked for a cent from Ian or his family so I didn't feel like I needed to prove a damned thing to her.

When she did find out though...when she knew that I had something...maybe not how much but something, she told Ian that I must have another reason.

That I was leading him on.

That I was using him for his sperm.

I had never met the woman but each time Ian came back to me with some nonsense that she had spouted it made me want to kick her ass.

I knew that Ian hated being home and was excited to move to New York.

I knew everything about him...I knew that he was depressed and damaged.

So why?

Why didn't I think that he was actually capable of taking his own life?

Why hadn't I heard the desperation in his voice the last time that I had spoken to him?

He sounded so tired when he had called to talk to me the night before.

I could hear that something was up but I didn't pressure him to talk about it.

Now I know that I should have.

* * *

I kept sobbing late into the night. Britt had stopped talking to me probably out of fear of me snapping at her, she just continued to hum to me and hold me close to her.

She only got up once and that was to feed and change Isaac.

I took the opportunity to use that bathroom and then I lingered in his doorway and waited for her to take me back to bed.

Although I had been annoyed with her, I still didn't want to be without her.

She knew that and just smiled softly at me after putting Isaac down in his crib

_"I'm sorry about yelling at you."_ I whispered to Britt as I held out my pinky to her.

She closed Isaac's door and then wrapped my pinky in hers before squeezing it.

She didn't say anything.

Words just weren't working for us and so she showed me her devotion instead.

When we lay in the bed under the covers again, I faced her this time as she laid flat on her back.

She was the last person that I wanted to see when I finally managed to fall asleep. My heart was torn and broken but it was still very sure of that one fact, Brittany was our saving grace.

Britt looked into my eyes sadly and then pulled me closer until I was flush against her.

She leaned in and kissed my forehead, then my cheeks, my nose, my chin and finally my lips.

I closed my eyes and took a deep shuddering breath as she pulled my leg over her hip and wrapped an arm around me.

Her warm breath grazed my face as she tucked my head beneath her chin.

Pressed against her, my head to her chest, with the thud of her heartbeat just underneath my wet cheek, I finally drifted off to sleep.

Even in my sleep, I wasn't spared from the reality of Ian being gone.

His smile and laughter filled my dreams and then his eyes...ugh...what once captivated me now haunted me.

His baby blue eyes were identical to Isaac's and even in my dreaming state, I dreaded the hurt it would cause me to look at my own son.

I was ashamed of the feelings that coursed through me and found myself clenching tight to Britt's body.

My anchor.

My saving grace.

My Brittany.

* * *

Isaac woke up early the next morning but I couldn't bring myself to move from my bed.

I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes and see Ian looking back at me. Britt tried to pull herself from under me but I just wrapped myself around her tighter.

She huffed out a breath and tried again to get up but I wasn't letting up.

_"Let Q grab him, Britt. Please?"_ she sighed heavily and then wrapped both arms around me tighter.

I felt how wet her shirt was from all of my tears but she didn't seem bothered by it.

_"Are you going to try to get back to sleep?"_ she whispered to me.

_"I'm awake."_ I said hauntingly.

I really didn't want to go back to the dreams of baby blue eyes and laughter.

I couldn't bear to see Ian's face in my mind's eye, another second.

I suddenly heard Isaac get quiet and Q whispering to him.

I was immensely grateful for her at times like this.

Of course, I felt guilty for not getting up but I couldn't do it...not today and I was so fucking thankful that she understood that.

_"What do you want for breakfast?"_ B whispered in my ear.

I looked up in her face and could see that she was insanely concerned and it bugged me.

_"I'm not hungry."_

_"Well you might not be but that baby sure is."_

I could hear the annoyance slipping into her tone even though she was doing her best to hide it.

_"You don't know that."_

_"Why don't we try toast with the guava jelly? You love that."_ she rolled onto her side so that she could face me.

I could see the irritation all over her face now.

She was nibbling on her lip as she tried to wait patiently for my answer.

_"No thanks."_ I could hear the coldness in my voice but I felt detached from myself.

Like I couldn't control what came out of my mouth.

My stomach chose that moment to start growling.

I looked away from Britt but she just cleared her throat and tried again.

_"Ana..."_

_"Just stop talking!"_ I snapped as I tried to shuffle to the edge of the bed away from her. _"I just need you to please be quiet."_

_"Fine."_ She said after sighing heavily.

She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me back to her before I could make it to the edge.

I was beside myself at that point.

_"You're smothering me!"_ I said trying to wiggle away but she had an iron grip around my waist.

_"I'm just trying to hold you babe, like you asked."_ she whispered.

I had my back to her now but could still hear the tears in her voice.

It was becoming hard for her to be patient.

I was making her feel like shit and I felt horrible about it.

So, I backed myself up until I was lying against her and then closed my eyes.

It was the best apology that I could give at the moment.

I hope that she understood.

* * *

I heard her phone ring and so she finally let go of me and rolled over to her side of the bed.

I didn't bother to move.

I just kept my eyes clenched shut and tried to disappear.

_"Hello? Yea...yes we heard. Puck called me after calling Ana. She's...Um...yea she is. Okay. Hold on a sec."_

_"I don't want to talk to anyone." _I muttered, just loud enough for her to hear me.

_"It's Gladys."_

_"Tell her that I'll call her later."_

_"You tell her. I'm going to get you breakfast."_

Britt put the phone to my ear and then got out of the bed.

She had enough of my self-pity and was leaving my mom to deal with me, hoping that she would be able to get through to me.

With the way that I was feeling though, I doubted that anyone would be able to help me out of the funk that I was in.

_"Mami?"_ I whispered into the receiver as I felt tears burning my eyelids.

_"Aye mija. I wish I was with you right now."_

_"It's okay. I'm fine."_ I was fighting the tears with everything in me.

_"No you're not. You don't have to put up a brave front for us...we all know you're hurting. I know how hard it is to lose the father of your child."_ her voice shook as she brought up Papi, I knew that it still hurt for her to think about him. It had been almost a year and the emptiness that filled her life was evident, each time I walked in the house and everything was just as if he was there moments before. _"This was beyond your control, you know that don't you?"_

_"I could have stopped him."_

_"You are going to make yourself sick with those kinds of thoughts. If you keep thinking about all the things that you could have done, it won't bring him back. I did it, I've been there and it's not healthy."_

_"I just know that if I had...I don't know...done anything different he would still be alive."_

_"You don't know that, Santana."_

_"Yes, I do...Mami...I know that I could have stopped him!" _

I was officially crying now.

I muffled my sobs with a pillow over my mouth but I knew that she could still hear it as she let out a deep sigh.

_"Look, mi'ja, I never told you this but the day that your father died he had wanted to stay home...he wasn't feeling the best but I urged him to go in any way. Work has always made him feel better when he was sick...I kicked myself for months after he died...what if I had convinced him to stay in bed, what if I insisted that he stay in Lima instead of taking that job in Atlanta...but the truth is that in the end wishing won't change the reality no matter how bad you want it to, he's dead and I can't bring him back and you can't bring Ian back."_

_"It just hurts so bad Mamí. I just don't understand why he could do this. He had one week and then he would have been here at school...he would have been able to see his son everyday if he wanted to. How will I explain this to Isaac or this new baby? I can barely wrap my head around it all."_

_"You just have to take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. As senseless as it seems to us, Ian had his reasons. He knew what he was doing. So you need to just pray for his soul and for his family. Think what they must be going through. Finding him like that."_

_"Ok."_ It was all the answer that I could muster.

_"In the meantime, Santana, don't push Brittany away."_

_"I'm not."_

_"Don't lie to me. A mother knows. You need your wife right now...Brittany loves you and only wants your happiness. Be good to her."_

_"Fine."_ I huffed out.

I hated when people immediately took Britt's side in things, even if I did agree with them.

_"Let me know when you are flying in."_

_"Okay...I'll call you later."_

* * *

I sat up in bed and rubbed my flat stomach. I hadn't begun to show yet but I could still sense the little bit of life that was growing inside of my body.

It was the last bit of Ian that I had left other than Isaac and I would cherish it even more now that he was gone just like I'm sure that my mother cherished me more after my father was murdered.

I was sitting there with a hand pressed against my stomach, my head resting against the headboard as the tears slowly traveled down my cheeks.

With each breath I suppressed a loud sob and just tried my best to regain my composure but it was just so hard and it hurt so much.

I opened my eyes when I heard the door to my bedroom open. I knew that I looked like a wreck but when I looked at Britt's small smile, I knew that in her eyes I looked beautiful.

It was when I looked completely undone that she found me the most attractive...she had admitted that to me one drunken night, ages ago and as I sat there looking up at her I could tell that she still believed that.

Britt stood there with a plate in one hand and a glass in the other.

She was shifting from one foot to the other, biting her damn lip and I could tell that she didn't know what to say to me.

Normally, I would have offered some kind of help when she felt this unsure but I just didn't have the energy to coddle her.

I did know though that what Mami said was true.

I knew that I couldn't afford to push Britt away...so I would try to be nicer.

Try...

* * *

She carried a huge plate with toast and a banana all sliced up with peanut butter and guava jelly.

She had finally moved closer and was now leaning her legs against the edge of the mattress.

She slowly leaned forward and handed me the plate and then without hesitation I placed it down on the bed in front of me.

Food was the least of my worries.

She sighed heavily, seeing that I wasn't going to go into this easily, she put a glass of chocolate soy milk...the only chocolate that I could stomach, on the bedside table.

After emptying her hands, she stood there twisting her fingers around each other, watching and waiting.

She was anxious.

I hadn't been this version of myself in so long that I think she forgot how to deal with me.

I looked up at her and forced a smile.

_"Thanks B." _She smiled big and then let out a deep breath.

_"I know that you said that you aren't really hungry but you should try to eat some of it...okay? Its important."_ she said to me as if she was afraid that I would pounce.

I smiled and nodded just enough to show her that I agreed.

_"Okay."_ I nodded again as I pulled the plate into my lap. My stomach was rolling around, in hunger or nausea...I wasn't quite sure. I swallowed hard and then I picked up a piece of toast and brought it to my lips. As I opened my mouth I could feel the saltness in my cheeks and knew immediately that it had been nausea that I was feeling. _"Grab the plate. I gotta throw up!"_

Britt quickly grabbed the plate but I wasn't going to make it down the hallway as the bile was climbing from my throat, into my mouth.

This was not shaping up to be a good day.

Britt quickly grabbed the trash can and put it in my lap, thankfully before I made a mess.

I hugged the mini trashcan and emptied my stomach, since I hadn't eaten since the afternoon before, it was mainly stomach acid.

The burning of it made me choke and cough.

The gagging quickly turned into dry heaving.

I spit into the trash can, as I tried to get my breathing under control but the burning in my throat was making that difficult.

_"Just breathe baby."_

I nodded feeling the tears in my eyes as I felt my chest began close up.

I felt like more needed to come up but there was nothing left.

I handed the trashcan back to Britt and then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

I rested back against the headboard and closed my eyes, I could feel a migraine coming on.

This was not good. Morning sickness had ended for me but now it seemed like it was making a comeback.

Britt took the trash can out of the room and came back a little bit later with a glass of water.

I sighed with relief when I saw the glass. My throat was on fire and it felt like I was going to die from the pain.

I was so happy when she sat beside me and handed me the glass. I quickly put the glass to my lips but before I could drown myself in the glass, Britt rested a hand on my wrist.

I looked over at her desperately.

Why was she stopping me?

_"Drink it slow okay?"_

I nodded and then slowly slipped at the water until, I emptied the glass.

The pain in my throat subsided and I felt like I could breathe again.

* * *

After I finished off my water and gave the glass to Britt, there was a knock at the door.

I wasn't ready to deal with any visitors but these were the people who had shown me happiness and joy in the last few months so I wouldn't deny them.

I knew that they were worried. Britt looked over at me and I just nodded.

I was glad that she thought to ask and felt some of the tension between us subside.

She yelled out that the door was open as she put her arm around me and pulled me against her.

The door cracked openly slowly and then in walked Rachel with Q behind her holding Isaac.

I put on a smile...or what I could push out and pass off as one.

_"Thanks for getting him Q."_ I whispered.

Her eyes looked bloodshot and her hair was all over the place.

Definitely not the calm and composed Quinn that we all know and love. I was really thankful that she had gotten up when I couldn't.

When I saw Isaac with his head on her shoulder and his eyes staring unblinking at me...I knew that the fears in my dreams had been silly.

He was all that I wanted...so I held my arms out for him.

_"Ana...try and eat first before you hold him."_ Britt said before Q could hand him to me. And there goes the irritation again.

I looked at her and felt the anger start surging beneath my skin and pulsating through my veins.

I rolled my eyes and looked over at my best friend.

_"Give him to me Q."_ I growled through gritted teeth, she looked between me and Britt and then over at Rachel.

They had one of those silent conversations before Quinn looked back at me uneasily.

_"You know what San, he smells a little stinky, I'm going to change him while you eat and we will bring him back in a little bit."_

I opened my mouth but before I could protest the girls were out the room with Isaac, Rachel quickly shutting the door behind them.

* * *

_"Here, you need to eat something. You have to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of Isaac, which is something that Ian always said right?"_

I looked at her with wide eyes, how she remembered that, I'll never know.

I reached for the plate and Britt smiled as she put the food back in my lap. I was so overwhelmed by everything but I wasn't going to fight anymore.

I wanted to hold Isaac so I gave in.

I felt fresh tears leaking from my eyes as I bit into my food.

I knew that Britt was right, that I needed to take care of myself and the baby but I just felt so unworthy of it all, like I should be dead and not Ian.

_"I just don't understand any of this."_ B looked up in shock.

This was the first non hostile statement that I had made and she almost looked giddy that I had finally decided to let her in.

_"Me either. He must have been in a really dark place. I never thought that he could do something like this. When was the last time that you talked to him?"_

_"The night before. He called me to check in on Isaac and the baby. He asked me a million questions and then told me that he loved me. He seemed almost desperate and really, really tired. Then yesterday morning he called while I was giving Isaac a bath. I missed the call...but I-I called him right back...he didn't answer so I left a message. Then um...I fed the baby and did some laundry. Isaac was getting really fussy and so we went out for a walk. Ian never goes that long without calling back so I called him again because it's not like him not to answer my calls."_

_"Yea...it's not."_

_"After that, I exercised...I read...then Isaac and I took a nap. Everything seemed normal with the exception of Ian not calling so I called him again after I fed Isaac his dinner. No answer. I was about to give Isaac his bath before bed when Noah called the first time, Isaac was crying so loud that I told Noah to call me back in an hour. I had just put Isaac down to sleep, then you called but I didn't answer because I was stepping into the shower. So after I got dressed Noah called again and that's when I found out that..."_

I leaned into Britt's open arms as I sobbed. She held me against her chest and the sound of her heartbeat calmed me a bit.

Replaying the normal, mundane events of my day, there were so many red flags.

So many times that I had called but he was already gone. If only I had answered that phone call.

Maybe I would have been able to talk him out of it.

_"Don't blame yourself Ana...you didn't know that he was going to do it. If we could change it...save him we both would but nobody can save you from the demons in your head."_

_"I know."_

_"Did Puck say anything else...did Ian leave a note?"_

_"Yea. Apparently he had given a letter to Noah to mail for him a week ago. NoNo thought nothing of it...he said it is still sitting on his dresser. He is holding it for me."_

_"The letter was for you?"_

_"Yea. I asked Noah if Ian said anything when he gave him the letter but he said no."_

_"Has anyone talked to Ian's mom?"_

_"I have no idea."_

_"This is all so unbelievable."_

_"I know. I want it to be some bad dream."_

_"But, it's not."_

_"Yeah."_

_"When do you want to head back to Lima? Is there going to be a funeral soon?"_

_"As soon as possible, I'm sure. I know you can't come...you have to finish your classes so would you mind watching Isaac when I go?"_

_"Of course. He's my son too...officially now, you never have to ask me to watch him."_ Britt smiled.

We had just received his updated birth certificate two weeks before and had a whole celebration with Ian on Skype.

He seemed genuinely happy that things had worked out this way.

Maybe it was because he knew that he wouldn't be here.

_"Yea. Well I should buy my ticket then."_ I muttered as I finished off my toast and brushed my hands together above the plate, to get rid of the crumbs.

_"I'll take care of that. Why don't you shower and get dressed, go see Izzy and I will take care of everything else."_

_"Thanks B."_

* * *

As I sat on the plane that night I couldn't think about anything but Ian.

He had been so excited to visit New York for the first time, next week. I had offered to give him the tour.

I was supposed to be picking him up from the airport in just a week's time. How had it gotten so bad that he couldn't wait just a little while longer to get away from Lima?

There was something missing.

Something that I didn't know yet.

I was headed to Lima with two goals in mind.

**ONE...**

Bid farewell to Ian.

**TWO...**

Get some answers to all of my questions.

Britt had been insanely anxious about putting me on a flight all by my self but I insisted.

She had every right to be anxious though, because I was doing exactly what she didn't want me to do, I was stressing over Ian.

I had written a list of questions that I needed answered before I made my way back.

I couldn't return to my son without knowing why he was now short a parent, a parent who was insistent on being in his life.

_"Papa bear...what don't I know?"_ I mumbled to myself, as we flew over Ohio.

* * *

Life in New York had turned out better than I ever expected.

It was great to have my wife and best friend there with me everyday.

It was a blessing to have Isaac healthy and happy.

He still had bad days when we had to give him his breathing treatments but they were few and far between.

Then Rachel had fit in seamlessly, we had brunch on Sundays and picnics in central park.

The girls had even taken Isaac a few nights so that B and I could go out on dates.

I had talked to Ian everyday since we left and looking back I can see now the pain he was in. He seemed more and more detached as time went on.

He had been fighting a lot with his mom.

He told me on countless occasions how he just couldn't wait to move already.

I had offered him an extra bedroom at least once everyday but he turned me down every time.

There was so much I had missed, there were so many times that he had called me just to tell me he loved me.

He still would go visit my mom and do the tough chores that she hated.

He was trying to stay connected to me and stay present in my life.

I was so grateful for him and never said it enough.

I should have noticed his pain. I should have helped him.

I know that Britt is right about not being able to fight your personal demons but I would have helped him.

I just wish that I could go back.

* * *

**A/N: Reviews make updates happen faster. So absorb the heaviness of it all and then tell me about it. **

**-A**


	3. Chapter 3:When It Rains

**Chapter 3: When It Rains (Paramore)**

* * *

**_I know that Britt is right about not being able to fight your personal demons but I would have helped him..._****_I just wish that I could go back._**

* * *

I had tried to get some sleep on the plane but it didn't happen no matter how hard I tried. After writing down a to-do list of sorts that involved some serious mind boggling questions...I stared out the window and tried everything that I could to rest. We were hovering over the airport for almost an hour because we hadn't been cleared to land yet and the whole entire time, my stomach was cramping from the nerves.

I didn't feel nauseous anymore but the pain was kind of terrifying especially after the crap that I had been through with Isaac. I just tried my best to think of Britt and Isaac, hoping that the thought of them would help me to relax enough. It only worked to dull the pain but it didn't subside completely. It only meant one thing...I now had to add visiting Dr. Jindahl to my list of things to do. Great! Ugh...

When we finally landed we then had to sit on the plane for another twenty minutes because of a commotion in the terminal. I was so annoyed! To top things off, the dull pain was now back with a vengeance. I found myself pushing my hands in my lap just to make sure that there was no moisture. The sigh of relief that I let out was only topped by the tears that slid down my cheeks. I was really beginning to freak out.

I was so happy to see that NoNo was actually waiting in the terminal with my luggage already in hand. He had shaved off his mohawk and was wearing sunglasses even though it was almost midnight in Lima. I found myself smirking because I was wearing a similar, more feminine pair. We were both too tough to let anyone see the tears in our eyes. When he saw me he pushed his sunglasses up to rest on his head and then he smiled at me. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that this had really hit him hard. I knew that he would try to be strong for me and I appreciated it beyond words. He and Ian had bonded over the past year, both with mothers that were too self involved to give a damn and fathers that weren't in the picture.

They were almost like brothers towards the end. We stood there looking at each other for a moment before we actually stepped into the same breathing space. The tension that resided between us had never happened before and we were both silently trying to figure out how to tread.

I released a breath that I didn't even know that I was holding when he stepped up to me and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head against his chest and took a deep breath. The smell of him hit my nose and I immediately felt the comfort that he gave. Noah's comfort is what had gotten me through all the rough times before I met Ian. Once Ian and I got close, I had stopped going to Noah in my rough moments. It wasn't only because I had found it in someone else but because of his controlling wench of a girlfriend. I had missed him and from the grip that he had on me, I could tell that he missed me too. He kissed the top of my head and then quickly pulled away knowing that I was on the verge of tears and that I didn't want to break down in such a public place.

The pain that had rocked me on the plane had subsided for the moment and I was beginning to think that it was all subconscious. Maybe the baby just needed extra comfort like I did.

* * *

Climbing up into Noah's big truck brought back so many memories. We had a ton of sex in and on that car and I'm sure I wasn't the only girl to claim it. Most people would be grossed out by the thought but I didn't really have any complaints when it came to my relationship with Noah, with the exception of him asking me to be his girl and then turning around and knocking up my best friend, which hurt worse than I liked to admit.

Other than that horrible time in my life, I would have to say that having him in my corner...even while he dated the big white rhino...was something I would never take for granted. After he closed the big door and ran around to the driver's seat, I buckled up and put my feet up on the dash board. I was so tired!

Noah sat there and looked at me as he buckled up and rolled down the window. I could feel the sweat on my body fusing me with the leather seats, did he really think putting the windows down would help? It was August and even at midnight, it was over eighty degrees. I pushed the window back up and then cranked on the air. I was burning up and felt like I would die if the heat lasted another second. I heard him snicker as he revved up the truck. I rolled my eyes and then pulled my feet onto the seat with me. I could feel the exhaustion and crankiness setting in.

_"Just like old times."_ he said as he turned on his favorite Bruce Springsteen cd. Ugh...I didn't get the appeal.

_"Yeah, except its not."_ I bit out as I turned towards the window. I could feel the tears again and it was really pissing me off and I knew that it would only get worse, the closer we got to Lima.

_"Yeah...it's not."_

_"This shouldn't be happening." _I couldn't feel the emotion as I spoke. I said it hard and cold because really it was nothing more than cold hard facts.

_"You shouldn't blame yourself TT."_

_"Let me guess...You talked to Britt?" _I asked, my annoyance was peaking and I really didn't want to snap at him so I was taking deep breaths.

I knew that she would call him. I just didn't expect him to agree with her. A part of me expected him to hold himself accountable since he hadn't been more than a couple miles away when it happened. In fact, I'm sure that is part of the reason that he is taking it so badly.

_"Yeah. I agree with her. I just saw him a few days ago and we went out and played pool. I knew that he seemed off, so I took him over to a strip club and we hung there for awhile and then went back to my place and tossed back some beers. He was telling me all sorts of stuff and I should have done something other than just listen."_

There's the guilt. So he did blame himself. I guess I wasn't as alone in that feeling as I thought.

* * *

We were both quiet for awhile as we made the hour long drive back to town. Noah was humming to some song that sounded like the one before it and the one before that. I kept thinking of how odd Ian had acted when I had talked to him last and then to find out that Noah had seen it too. Maybe Ian was reaching out and we just didn't see it. I sighed and placed a hand on Noah's leg. He glanced at me and then looked back onto the road and began to hum again.

_"What did he tell you?"_ I finally asked as I squeezed his leg. I could feel him flinch and then he cleared his throat. He always did that when there was something tough on the tip of his tongue.

_"Told me that you were the only girl he ever slept with." _Noah smirked and then dropped his hand on top of mine and squeezed back. I pulled my hand away and glared at him.

_"Before you say anything to ruin the sweetness of that, just remember that I know where you sleep and still have a key to your house."_ I threatened.

He grabbed my hand and pulled it back to his leg. He needed my comfort but wasn't going to ask. I sighed and rubbed at his thigh. He cleared his throat again and then glanced at me a second before looking back at the deserted highway.

_"He told me about his uncle. About how the guy did that stuff to him. Told me that the guy moved in to his house a few months ago. Just after graduation. Ian was crying out for my help, I'm sure of it but I just dropped him off at home and went out on a date with Olivia instead of inviting him to stay with me, I feel like a total douche."_

* * *

I had no words of encouragement or comfort for NoNo. As much as I wanted to make him feel better the way that he and Britt had tried to do for me, I just couldn't make the thought sound sincere in my head, so I knew for a fact that it wouldn't come out of my mouth any better. I just snuggled up close to him and rested my head on his shoulder. It was the best that I could do.

A while later, we were still on the highway and I had still managed to stay wide awake. The music had flipped over to Johnny Cash and I couldn't help the groan that came from me. As someone who loves all sorts of music, I just couldn't stand what Noah was subjecting me to. So I finally reached forward and shut of the stereo. I needed to talk and so why not kill two birds with one stone, right?

_"Did you open the letter he wrote me?"_

_"Nope...I was tempted but I knew how personal and genuine his feelings for you were. I didn't want to fuck with it. He loved you...like more than anyone." _

I felt the chills run across my shoulders. It killed me that I couldn't love him back the way that he loved me. I felt some intense feelings for him, I can never deny that but I wasn't in love with him. My love for Brittany supersedes all others. I had tried for a little while there to develop feelings for Ian but even after sleeping with him a second time...I couldn't conjure up emotions that weren't there. It wasn't fair to him or Brittany. I had to choose what my heart wanted in the end. I still felt guilty about it though.

_"Do you know how it happened? How he did it?"_ This had been one of my first questions. How premeditated was it? What state of mind was he in?

_"Do you really want to know? Can you handle it?"_

_"Tell me."_ I sighed.

_"He woke up in the morning, had breakfast with his family and then locked himself in his room and put a gun to his chest...bullet went right through his heart. His uncle found him."_

_"Ian hated guns."_ Now I had ten times the questions. Most people don't wake up and shoot themselves...right? I mean other than Hemingway. How fucking dramatic. This was all so overwhelming

_"Then how could he do this, TT? How the hell did he get that gun? It's just so fucked up!"_ I jumped when Noah banged his hand against the steering wheel. He pulled off the highway and stopped along side the shoulder. He rested his head on the steering wheel and broke down. I rubbed his back and kissed the back of his bald head. _"It's just so wrong!"_ he sobbed.

_"Yea...its all fucked up."_

_"He could have come to us."_

_"He did."_

_"I can't believe this is happening."_

_"But it is...its all confusing and fucked up. He was also a devout catholic and didn't believe in suicide but here we are! Stuck in this miserable, stinking existence and it just seems that the more we know, the more questions we have."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

After a few moments, Noah regained his composure and then shifted back into gear. He wiped at his face and then hid behind his sunglasses again. I could tell that this wasn't the first time that he broke down but I knew it was the first time that he had let it happen in front of anyone. I rubbed his leg and turned the music back on but very low. It was only to comfort him, not to drive me and the baby crazy.

_"Did they make arrangements yet, I mean I know it's only been two days but I figured that it would happen soon."_

_"Yes. I talked to his mom this afternoon. She threw it together with the money from his college fund that his grandfather left him."_

_"I would have helped. Did you tell her that?"_

_"Yea I did but she didn't like that. In fact his mom asked that...you not come to the service. Just maybe a private viewing."_

_"I don't understand? Why would she not want me there? I'm the mother of his child."_

_"I told her that. I tried to talk to her about how much he would want you there but that only enraged her."_

_"This is all so fucked up."_

_"All I know is that a lot of the fighting between Ian and his mom was about you."_

_"But why? I have never done anything wrong to her. I have never done anything to hurt him." _

_"...um...ok."_ he stuttered. I pulled back from him and glared. Was he serious right now? Who the fuck was he to think something like that?

_"What is that supposed to mean? You think I hurt him?"_

_"Um..."_

_"Answer me, Noah!"_

_"You strung him along...I mean I don't think you did it on purpose but its kind of what you do."_

_"Pull over."_ I growled.

_"We are almost to your mom's house. If you are going to be pissed at me fine...but at least let me take you home."_

_"Fine."_

_"So are you going to talk to her...figure out when you can do a private viewing?"_

_"I'm going to the service, Puckerman, whether you or her like it or not. She can't stop me."_

_"She can TT and I can guarantee that she will."_

_"I have never done a thing to that woman for her to ban me from attending his service. I loved Ian. I want you and her and everyone to fucking understand that I loved him! I tried to make it work. God knows...I tried to make my heart love him the way I love Britt but it just didn't happen."_

_"You mean that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You should tell her that."_

_"What, now you think I should go?"_

_"Demand your right to be there. Ian loved you and Izzy above anyone else and if what you are saying is true...and I know it is because you don't just go admitting that kind of thing, then I think you should be there. He loved you best."_

_"Maybe that's it...you think that maybe she's jealous?"_

_"Beats me, TT, I just know that you are both stubborn women and I don't want to get in the middle of that."_

_"I am going to talk to her...maybe take her out for coffee or something."_

_"Or you know maybe go to mass...you Catholics like that sort of thing right? Mass is like a secret society meeting right? Sisters in Christ?"_

_"Really? You are talking to me about mass? You're not even catholic!"_ I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips. Leave it to NoNo to turn my mood around so quickly.

_"I know but you are and once upon a time you used to make mass three times a week and I know that she is super Catholic...so go to mass tomorrow morning and then take her for coffee afterwards or something. What can it hurt?"_

_"Yea? Okay."_

_"I mean she can't hate you anymore than she already does."_

_"Gee, thanks."_

_"Do it for Ian."_

_"Okay...yea...ok."_

* * *

Before dropping me off at home NoNo finally decided to hand over the letter. We sat in the driveway as I just sat there in the car holding the letter my hands. I could see why Noah decided to wait until I was about to get out of the car to hand over the letter. He knew that I would be afraid of what I might find inside. This whole situation was just so unbelievable but I was finally starting to accept that it was indeed happening.

There was so much that I knew needed my attention. I couldn't keep harping on the questions that weren't really going to help me in the end. I had to be strong. I had to put up a wall so thick that nothing would be able to break me down. I wanted to get home to Britt and Isaac in one piece. That was my ultimate goal.

I took deep and steady breaths as I walked side-by-side with Noah. He pulled my carryon with him as he held my hand in his. The letter was burning my fingers so I had shoved it deep into my purse. I would deal with it later when I was all alone. I knew that when I got in the house, I would want to sit with Mami for awhile and if she knew about the letter she would want me to read it to her.

I kissed NoNo on the cheek and then waited for him to head back to his truck before I put my key in the lock. I really didn't need him hovering. He revved up his car and then turned up his Johnny Cash. I shook my head and then pushed inside.

I was incredibly anxious about being back home. Although it was only the second week of August, it was almost two months to the day, since I last was home and in that time so much had happened, it seemed like an eternity. I was already used to the hustle and bustle of the city so the silence was deafening.

I realized how much I hated the silence.

How had I existed so long in it?

* * *

When I stepped into the house it seemed big and empty just like it always had. All of the lights were off with the exception of the kitchen. It was well past midnight but I knew that Mami would wait up for me no matter how long it took me to get home. I gasped as a shooting pain went through my abdomen and made my body tremble. I felt my stomach contract and then slowly the pain went away. I rubbed at my stomach and took deep cleansing breaths. I hoped that my stomach would relax once I got some rest. I eased the door closed and put my bag down in the foyer. I was so tired and so alert at the same time.

The kitchen was lit only by the light over the center island. Mami sat there engrossed in a book and didn't look up even though I am sure that she heard me the moment Noah pulled into the driveway.

_"Hey Mami."_ I whispered as I placed my purse down on one of the bar stools. I smiled as I watched her finish off her page and then close the book.

I had come by my love of reading honestly. It was the thing that bonded us when I was a kid. She would always bring me a book from her travels and convinced Papi to do the same when he could remember. He did it for a little while but then forgot but Mami had faithfully filled up my library until it was bursting at the seams.

When she looked up at me, I could see the dark rings under her eyes and that her eyes were rimmed with red. Ian's death had gotten to her. I knew that she loved Brittany and that she accepted our relationship but I also knew that she saw Ian as a son-in-law. She loved him like the son that she never had. I know that finding out about this while she sat in the house all alone, probably brought back tons of memories. This was a lot for her to handle alone. We needed each other. She looked up at me an let out a heavy sigh before standing to her feet.

_"Ay mija. It's good to see you."_ she smiled and walked over to me. I tensed as I felt her standing inches from me.

I towered over her but even with my five inches of height difference, I always felt like a little girl when I was in front of my mother. The moment that I was enveloped in my mother's arms I felt the tears come back full force. She held me close to her as I sobbed, I leaned down onto her shoulder awkwardly, sniffling like a big baby. I felt no shame. It felt so good to just be held by her with no judgments.

Britt had done her best to soothe me but her questions were too much all at once...she had never lost anyone. The pain was only secondary to her.

Mami remained silent as she rubbed my back giving me the quiet comfort that I needed at that moment. I was just so overwhelmed.

* * *

After a few more tears I finally pulled back, feeling like I was strong enough to be able to sit and talk with her. Mami looked at me up and down before releasing her hold on my shoulders. I had on loose fitting jeans and a Columbia shirt. I was comfortable but still looked presentable. I wore no makeup and my hair was hanging down in its natural curls. Normally, it would bother me to look so plain but I really didn't have the energy to care. She led me to a bar stool and helped me to sit down as if I was an invalid. I allowed it. I was just tired...really fucking tired.

When I was sitting she ran a hand across my cheek and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I smiled as I soaked up the smell of her. Spicy honey is what Britt called it...I just called it Mami. When she was finally sitting down again, across from me she folded her hands on top of her book and looked me straight in the eyes.

_"I offered for him to stay here you know."_

_"He told me. I urged him to take you up on it, I wish that he had."_

_"When was the last time that you ate?"_ I shook my head as I adjusted myself on the stool. Britt had made sure that I had eaten when I got on the plane at around five and I had promised that I would eat when I got in but I didn't even feel like stopping once I was in Dayton. _"Porque?"_

_"Ay Mamí, I just feel too sick to eat."_ I said waving her off. She wasn't going to back down though, I knew better than to try and just brush her off. It was pointless to even try.

_"Well too bad. That baby has to stay healthy. No more tragedies."_

_"I know...you sound like Britt now."_

_"Great! I'm glad she is on top of you when I can't be."_

_"She's more than on top of me she practically spoon feeds me."_

_"Well can you blame her? Your last pregnancy was a disaster. You were underweight, you had the diabetes...you did that...stuff. It was very stressful for all of us, especially Isaac. Your body took a beating and so you have to be careful this time."_

_"Okay, okay. I know!" _I got this kind of speech everyday from Britt and Quinn...don't even get me started on Rachel trying to shove that vegan shit down my throat...gross. Ugh!

Mami rolled her eyes at me and started pulling food containers out of the refrigerator. I hated to eat this late but I don't think she cared. I'm glad I hadn't told her about the shooting pains because I would have been on my way to the hospital the moment that I stepped into the kitchen. The pain had stopped but there was still a tingling going on down there. It was creeping me out but I just sat quietly, as she got ready to heat up rice, beans and chicken, I was hoping and praying that the baby was okay.

_"Oh...don't forget to call Brittany. Let her know that you got here safely."_ Mami said over her shoulder as she put my plate together to go in the microwave.

_"Crap. She is not going to be happy."_ I mumbled as I dug around in my purse for my phone.

Seven new messages. Ugh...I hope she isn't too upset. I couldn't deal with any extra drama.

* * *

**_R u there yet?-B_**

**_Y hsnt ur plne landed?-B_**

**_Call me, Ana!-B_**

**_Puck says he drppd u off...call me.-B_**

**_Wats tkin so lng?-B_**

**_Pttng Izzy dwn 4 da nite. Still w8ing 4 ur call-B_**

**_K, now im strtng 2 wrry :(-B_**

I knew that she was extra anxious but this was borderline extreme, really seven messages? Mami put a huge serving of food in front of me and then headed over to the refrigerator to put things back and grab me some water. I sighed as I looked at my phone. I was trying to decide if I should call before or after I ate when all of a sudden a call was coming through...I guess she made the decision for me.

_"Hey B!"_

_"Ana...hey baby. How are you?"_

_"I'm alive."_

_"Um...ok. Did you eat?"_

_"I am currently sitting in front of a huge plate of arroz con pollo. Mami is insisting I eat something."_

_"That's good."_

_"I guess, How was Isaac after I left?"_

_"He was very fussy. Started wheezing a little. He's okay now though."_

_"Did you give him a treatment?"_

_"Yes. He was fine afterwards."_

_"Okay, well you should take him in to see his doctor tomorrow just to check on things."_

_"I will."_

_"I'm going to call you when I head to bed, Mami is giving me a death glare since I'm not eating."_

_"Okay...enjoy your food."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

I hung up the phone and just sat there looking at my down at plate, waiting for the nausea to come but it never did. Odd. My nausea when faced with food had become a constant for days. Maybe I missed my mother's cooking? I could feel Mami's eyes on me and was suddenly feeling like I was five again and I wasn't allowed to leave the table unless I finished my food. I looked up at her and smiled before looking down again and gripping my spoon. (I hated eating with forks...fun fact about me.) I jumped when Mami cleared her throat...have I ever mentioned how much that annoys me? Because it really fucking does.

_"Eat, Santana!"_ I cringed at her use of my full first name. She meant business.

I lifted the spoon to my lips and began to eat slowly. I didn't want a repeat of that morning when I was hugging the trashcan. My body though, seemed to be in a totally different place because my taste buds were going crazy with all the amazing flavors of Mami's cooking. Nausea was the furthest thing from me as I began to inhale the food on my plate.

About halfway through, I began to get full so I slowed down and drank some of the ice cold water. Mami still watched me as she drank her cafe con leche. I knew that she was going to watch me the entire time and it made me anxious. The food was amazing but I just didn't have a pregnant woman's appetite. I could never overeat. It just wasn't in me.

_"So, Mami...what are you doing tomorrow?"_ Even though I already knew what my mother's agenda was on Sunday's I had a point in my line of questioning.

_"I'm going to morning mass, then I have a council meeting and after that I'm playing tennis with your mother in law back on the courts."_

_"I didn't know Susan played tennis."_

_"I've been teaching her. She comes over and we chat and then I kick her ass at tennis."_

_"Just watch yourself...those Pierce women are fast learners. I taught Britt how to handstand and now she can do it one handed. It's sick."_

_"I am starting to see that. It's all in good fun though, so what do you have planned?"_

_"I'm kind of taking things as they come. Would you mind waking me up so that I can go to mass with you? It's still at six right?" Which was in four hours._

_"Yes...just like always. This is quite the surprise, you haven't made six am mass with me since your quincenera. Why the sudden interest?"_

_"I do enjoy church you know." _I said as I stabbed at my piece of chicken with the dull edge of the spoon before giving in and picking it up with my fingers.

_"I know that...it's just random. You know your Abuela will be there."_

_"That's doesn't matter to me. She still isn't speaking to me anyway. It's not about her."_

_"Then what's it about?"_

_"I just feel so lost in all of this...Ian really threw me for a loop. I need to reconcile with my faith and my God. I need to understand why he did what he did."_

_"And?"_ she kept pressing...damn her for knowing when I'm skating around an issue.

_"That's the reason."_

_"So, it has nothing to do with the fact that Ian's mother also goes to every mass, faithfully?"_

I felt my cheeks get hot as I shoveled the last of the rice into my mouth, so I didn't have to answer her. She knew me too well, probably better than I knew myself. I looked up and saw that knowing smirk on Mami's face. I swallowed and shrugged my shoulders in defeat. Fine...I would fill her in since she was so freaking nosy.

_"Okay, fine...that may have something to do with it."_

_"Why do you want to see her?"_

_"Noah told me that she is barring me from the funeral. She doesn't want me there and I just want to talk to her about it."_

_"Barring you? On what grounds? Why would she want to do that?"_

_"I don't know but I'm going to find out."_

_"You aren't going to cause a scene in the church, are you?"_

_"Ay, no mami! I know better than that. Besides, I don't want to make an already bad situation, even worse. I just want to pay my respects to the father of my children. I feel like that isn't asking for much. Is it?"_

_"No...it's not."_

_"I promise to be respectful. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Thank you for everything, Mami. I'm really stuffed...do you mind if I head to bed?"_ I still had a little bit of food left on my plate but I honestly couldn't eat another bite. The tingling in my stomach had faded away and sleepiness was finally setting in...thank God!

_"Okay, mija, I'll walk you up."_ She cleared my plate and rinsed it before sticking it in the dishwasher. I waited patiently for her in the foyer with my bag in hand. She looked at me uneasily but didn't say anything as I began to climb the stairs. I was glad that she wasn't insisting on carrying my bag because I didn't want to be babied but on the other hand, I was insanely glad that she walked the entire way with a hand pressed to my lower back so that I remained stable.

When we reached the top of the steps, I kissed her cheek while I held tight to my bag. She looked relieved that I had managed the stairs safely and so was I.

* * *

The moment I stepped back into the bedroom and closed the door. I took in the bedroom and realized that I didn't have many memories of Ian in this room. It was an eeire feeling to always sense a person after they die but here in this room, I felt at peace to have a breather from it. I leaned against the door and tried to calm my breathing. The panic attack was lingering in the background, waiting to pounce but I wouldn't let it. I walked slowly over to my bed and got down on my knees.

_**Senor...Ayudarme! I feel so helpless. You have held me up so much in this past year when I wanted to give in, you have watched over Isaac...you even helped me find peace in my marriage. Please be with me tomorrow. I can't do this without you. Watch over my family and friends tonight...please have mercy on Ian's soul. In your blessed name...Amen**_

* * *

I pushed down on the bed and stood back on my feet, feeling a little queasy. My whole body felt tired and achy. It was insanely late but I knew that I needed to wash the day off of me. I could feel the tears as I headed into the bathroom. I remembered how Ian and I had conceived this baby in a shower. How he held me close as I cried. Now here I was three and a half months later, preparing myself to put him in the ground.

Ian would never get to see the face of this baby and it made my very soul ache. Standing in the shower was too much for me, when I stepped out of it my whole body felt weighted down. I was filled with so much sorrow and loathing. I rubbed my hands over my stomach and could feel how hard it was and how it was becoming rounded even though it still looked flat. I was in awe that I was going to do this pregnancy thing again. I was scared.

I stood there looking at my reflection in the mirror for a long time before I began to dry myself. I kept looking at the scar that sat at my hairline, the scar that brought Isaac into the world. Ian had been so fascinated with it. I cried as I remembered him kissing it and running his long fingers over it. I remember the lust that awoke in me and how I wished that it was love. I touched the scar and felt the shooting pain again. I almost buckled over but caught myself. I leaned heavily on the countertop and took deep breaths. I definitely needed to make it a point to see Dr. Jindahl.

When I was finally dressed again, I turned off the bathroom light and made my way into my childhood bedroom. I could sense a presence as I ran a towel through my hair and when I looked up there sitting on my bed was Quinn. I stood there shell shocked as she looked up at me with tired eyes. She was still clutching her keys and her purse. She seemed unsure of what to say but that apparently wasn't a problem for me.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"I just couldn't let you do this alone. I caught the flight right after yours. I hope you don't mind."_ She said as she stood up and held her arms open to me. I smiled and rushed into her arms nearly knocking her over with my excitement. I hadn't realized just how much I wanted someone here with me.

_"How did you get in?"_ I asked, suddenly wondering if she just climbed through my window or something.

_"I called ahead to let your mom know that I was on my way...plus I still have a key."_ she said as she jangled the keys in front of my face.

_"I'm so glad you're here." _I said hugging her close to me again.

_"Me too. Gladys told me that we are going to mass tomorrow morning. That it was your idea?"_

_"Yea. I need to go."_

_"Good. I'm glad that you decided to go. No matter what your reasons are."_ She hinted that she knew more than she was letting on.

_"Did she tell you anything else about why I wanted to go?"_

_"Mrs. Perkins." she said while raising an eyebrow._

_"Yea."_

_"Well I'm glad I came then. You're going to need me."_

_"Am I?"_

_"You don't think you're going to need my amazing people skills and manners?"_

_"Of course I do, you know that I just have rage and always go to the yelling place. I'm just really glad that you came...thanks Q."_

* * *

I hadn't realized just how much I missed attending mass. I sat close to the front and found myself completely drawn in. I sat between Quinn and Mami as the priest went on and on about the trials and tribulations that keep us from being good Christians. He seemed to be tailoring the message to me but maybe I was just feeling a little guilty about everything.

I kept finding myself peeking across the pews looking for the woman that could be Ian's mother but I was surrounded by a sea of blonde hair and blue eyes. I realized then that I had no idea what this woman looked like. What I did notice though was my Abuelita, she was sitting on the pew in the front of us in the next aisle. She looked almost annoyingly happy.

Mami had pointed it out and commented that it was because I had come but I couldn't help but feel like it was something more than that, something darker and more spiteful. That wasn't the look of a loving grandmother that was happy about the return of her prodigal nieta, no that was the look of someone who was gloating.

The time flew by and before I knew it, mass was over. I sat quietly as I waited for everyone else to stand up. I was hoping that my grandmother would pass right by us but I wasn't so lucky. I heard her clear her throat from directly in front of us. I looked up and saw her standing with a gorgeous blue eyed, jet black haired woman. Abuela didn't say a word to me as she looked between me and Mami. She just smiled that gloating smile. I knew it so well because I had one identical to it. This wasn't good.

_"This is her, Megan."_ Abuelita said as she looked towards me again. I cocked an eyebrow and stood to my feet. I had intended to seek out Mrs. Perkins but she ended up seeking me out and with my grandmother's help she had found me.

* * *

_"Santana Lopez? Imagine my shock to see you here this morning."_

_"Yes ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Perkins."_

I smiled genuinely and found myself resting a hand to my stomach as a pain shot through me. I felt a little unstable as I looked into her cold ice blue eyes. They were identical to Ian's but there was no warmth there. This was the woman that had made the last few months of Ian's life miserable.

Her very presence reeked of superiority but I knew that she lived in a rundown apartment in Lima Heights. I knew that she could barely afford to feed her family but I wasn't going to make this about that. I was going to be respectful. I was doing this for Ian and for Isaac.

The woman nodded and looked around me and at Q, briefly appraising her before looking back at me.

_"Is this Brittany?"_

_"Oh no, this is my best friend Quinn. Brittany is back in New York with my son."_

_"My grandson, Isaac."_

_"Yes."_

_"Why didn't you bring him?"_

_"I wanted to but I didn't think his lungs could handle it. He has been a very sick boy."_

_"Yes...I've heard why."_ she said as she looked me over again.

I felt my blood freeze in my veins. Had Ian told her? Very few people outside of family knew the real reason why Isaac was sick. She cocked her eyebrow and I swallowed hard. Fuck. This was not good.

_"..."_

I was speechless. I felt Mami and Quinn both place a hand on my arms. They were afraid that I was going to lash out and cause a scene but they couldn't even begin to understand how I felt as I looked at this woman. I felt like I was on the verge of tears. I heard Abuelita sniff with disdain. My eyes snapped to her and I could see that she was still smirking. It had been her. She had told this woman about my addiction. She had told her how I almost killed my son. I was heartbroken.

_"Would you mind joining me for coffee? We should talk, I know that's why you're here." she said snapping me from my thoughts. _

_"Of course. I was hoping to sit down and talk with you at some point. Do you mind if Quinn comes along?"_ Just from the way this woman was acting in the church I knew that I couldn't go anywhere with her alone.

_"That's fine. Do you know where my house is?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I used to drop Ian off there all the time."_

I saw her flinch when I mentioned his name and knew immediately that this wasn't going to be an ordinary tea. She nodded after her brief flinch and then looked down at her watch before looking back up at me.

_"Lets say nine?"_ she said sweetly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

_"We'll see you then."_

The moment that the two women walked away, I sucked in a deep breath. I had one hand on my stomach and the other on my head. I was getting a headache trying to hold in all the tears. It seemed like things were just getting harder and harder and just like Britt predicted, it was making me sick.

* * *

**A/N: Read and review. This one was extra long...there was even more to it but I had to cut it short. I hope that you are enjoying the ride!**


	4. Chapter 4:Tu No Sabes

**A/N: I am blown away by the amount of reads! I am excited that the ride is taking you guys somewhere. I must admit that I am a little nervous when it comes to the darkness of this fic but I am hoping that you stick with it through the end. Keep reading...keep reviewing! :)**

**P.S. The song for this chapter makes me cry like every time I hear it and I looped it while writing this chapter (like I do with all the chapter songs) and could barely see the screen. Ugh. So enjoy the fruit of my tears :/**

* * *

**Chapter 4:Tu No Sabes (Don Omar)**

* * *

**_It seemed like things were just getting harder and harder and just like Britt predicted, it was making me sick._**

* * *

I was feeling so many different emotions as we climbed into my Papi's old BMW and headed back to my mom's house. We still had an hour or so before we had to head over to Mrs. Perkins' house so Quinn suggested that maybe I try and eat something. I didn't think anyone noticed me only grabbing a banana on my way out the door but of course I have been under a microscope lately. It was to be expected.

It was silent ride as I tried to ignore the lurching in the pit of my stomach while I focused on the road ahead of us. Mami had stayed behind since her meeting was just across the street from the church. She had looked worried when she walked us to the car but I assured her that I would be fine with Quinn and that she had nothing to worry about.

I felt so broken inside after finding out that Abuela had literally tried to sabotage any chance that I had of building a bridge between me and Ian's mother. I mean shit, I don't like the woman, even more so now that I have met her, but that is no reason to try and fuck shit up.

No matter what, she is still the grandmother of my children, she is Isaac's blood and I don't want to get in between that. Sangre...is sacred. Papi always stressed that nothing should come between blood, nothing! Abuela knew that...she understood that, so why the hell was she trying to screw things up?

On top of my grandmother's betrayal was the way that Mrs. Perkins was acting. She acted as if I was the one that held the gun to her son's chest, as if I was the one who wronged her. Then there was the flinch. It seemed like the very mention of her son's name made her skin crawl. I knew that Quinn had noticed the flinch like I did but she didn't seem too keen on talking about it.

We both knew that there was so much shit that we didn't know and that attempting to guess was fruitless.

_"So your grandmother..." _I could tell that Quinn didn't quite know how to phrase the question and so I just offered what I could in hopes that it would quench her thirst.

_"I came out to her just after Finn outed me. She told me it was better that I had just kept it all a secret. She told me she never wanted to see me again, speak to me again...that she didn't want me in her house. This was the first time that I saw her since then."_

_"Why did Gladys just stand there like that? Why didn't she defend you?"_

_"That's her mom. She is always like that in front of her...like a statue. I mean out of my mother's six siblings...my Abuela only talks to Mami and Titi Paola. She has cut out her own children for one thing or another over the years. My mom is afraid that if she crosses her that she will disown her too. Its pathetic but I can understand it."_

_"Has she met Izzy?"_

_"No."_

_"Wow."_

_"I know."_

_"I just can't believe it all, how do you deal with it San?"_

_"Not well. I ignore it until days like today when it is thrust back into my face."_

When we got back to the house, I had just enough time to change into more comfortable clothes and to have toast. I promised myself that I would eat a bigger meal later. I just didn't have the appetite and wasn't going to force myself to eat food that I didn't even want. The pain in my stomach was now a constant so I was going to give in and go straight to the hospital after meeting with Mrs. Perkins. I felt like I no longer had a choice because Quinn was beginning to take notice and I didn't want her to call Britt.

* * *

In the time that I had known him, Ian had never invited me into his house, like ever.

I never argued or said anything. I know how it goes in that part of Lima Heights. It was the part that Abuela never let me enter on my own as a kid since it was in the more run down part of town and that's saying something since the Spanish part of Lima Heights is pretty rough for a cow town like Lima. This was the Irish part of Lima Heights that you don't go to alone if you are any shade of tan or brown and definitely not if you were gay. I felt a little on edge and I was glad that Q had come, she was as white bred as they come.

So each time that I dropped Ian off, I just hugged him, kissed him and watched him walk to the door. I never stayed past that point. I would quickly lock my doors like he insisted and then would speed off. I never asked questions about his home life. I never asked questions about much of anything...I always just waited for him to tell me what he wanted me to know, so now that he was gone and I had a billion questions...I was going stir crazy.

I was born in New York City, I spent all of my free time as a kid in Lima Heights but I had never felt poor. In fact, Papi had made sure that I never knew poverty personally but he still always made sure I respected it because even the rich can be poor. So, I had grown up always just accepting that some people had more and some people had less and made sure that no matter how many insults that I was slinging I never talked about someone's station in life. I have never been that kind of snob. I prided myself on that but for the first time I felt snooty as I pulled the car up to the sidewalk, just outside of the tattered house.

As we stepped out of the car I could see people peering through their windows at us. It made me feel so materialistic and vain, not the feeling you should have just after church.

As we stepped up onto the front porch that I had watched Ian stand on dozens of times I was suddenly overcome with a wave of emotions stronger than any I had felt thus far.

Being emotional is the worst part of being pregnant, for me. I have cried more in the past year than I had in my whole life prior. It was so out of character for me. Britt loved it about me, it made me more real...or something to that effect. I just thought it made me seem weak. Q rubbed my back and handed me a tissue. I nodded in appreciation and then tried my best to wipe my tears as she knocked on the door. I knew that my makeup was probably a wreck and vowed that I would stop wearing it until I got my crying under control.

* * *

I had expected Mrs. Perkins to answer the door since it was exactly nine but instead of the cold unfeeling eyes from earlier, we were greeted by a girl that I had never seen before. She was gorgeous. She had the same blue eyes as her mother but they had the life and warmth that Ian's had. Her hair fell down past her shoulders in black silky curls and her pale face was littered with freckles. The contrast of dark hair with blue eyes was eerily similar to Isaac, almost like in a few years, she could be his mother. I was struck with fascination.

Who was she?

Quinn looked over at me with a questioning glance but I just shrugged my shoulders.

The girl smiled and then she bowed her head, averting her eyes away from us before she stepped back and opened the door wider. Quinn stood rooted to her spot on the step, so I stepped in first, pulling her along with me. The girl quickly shut the door and locked it. If it had been anyone else, that gesture would have immediately put me on high alert but I felt like I could immediately trust this girl. It was the aura that surrounded her, it made me immediately comfortable.

So many more questions were cropping up in my head and I just couldn't contain them all. I wanted to ask a billion things of the girl but I knew that it wasn't something that was proper. She didn't know me. She had no reason to just give me all the information she had. What if she didn't know anything? What if she was just some neighbor?

Okay...I knew that was a stretch...she was definitely a Perkins...just how, I wasn't sure yet.

We stood by the door and looked around the intimate space. It seemed like everything in the house shined and what didn't shine was covered in plastic. It reminded me of my Abuela's house. She couldn't do anything about the neighbor hood or the state of her house on the outside but the inside was always clean and organized. I felt a small smile come to my lips. It had a homey feel to it that put me at ease.

Even with how comfortable I felt, I tried not to stare at anything too long, I didn't want to be rude and I also knew that Quinn wasn't used to Lima Heights or any of the houses. Quinn learned her humility in the face of poverty from me and so I knew that she was taking her cues from me on how to appropriately behave. So I was definitely policing myself.

* * *

I was insanely grateful when the girl ushered us into the tiny kitchen and gestured us towards two seats at the small wooden table. The kitchen was just as immaculate as the rest of the downstairs part of the house. The girl looked a bit anxious as she stood there watching us. Quinn was sitting there playing with the hem of her dress while I openly examined the girl. It was almost creepy the fascination that I had with her.

_"You are very beautiful...my brother spoke a lot about you."_ she finally said in the most angelic voice.

I was blown away. And no, I wasn't creeping on her in _that _way. It's happened a few times in my life, where I have met someone who I feel like I have known before. It is what I felt when I met Quinn and again when I met Brittany. I was thrown off when she gave me an insight into her identity and I was totally intrigued now.

_"Your brother was Ian?"_ I whispered back, my throat suddenly tight. Never had he spoken about her, not even once.

There goes that flinch again. Maybe Ian's name had become a bad word. I mean he had just killed himself in the very house that I was sitting in. It was enough to make me cringe. She looked up at me and smiled really big and I saw him there, all over her face. Of course she was his little sister.

_"You shouldn't say his name, while you're here. Mother can't bear to hear it and if I'm honest...it hurts when you say it."_ she said looking away and then quickly wiping at her eyes. She was embarrassed by the tears. She looked like she was internally scolding herself for having them. She took a deep breath after she was sure that no more tears remained on her face and then looked back up at me with bright eyes.

_"I'm sorry." _I said immediately.

_"It's alright, you didn't know."_

_"Where is your mother?" _I asked, trying to change the subject.

_"Oh, mother just left. She is walking Uncle Thomas down the block...she will return shortly."_

_"Oh...okay. So what's your name?"_

_"Victoria Ingrid."_ she squeaked out.

_"Nice to meet you, I'm Santana and this is my friend Quinn."_ I said, pressing a hand against Quinn's arm. She looked up and flashed a smile before looking down towards her lap again. She seemed insanely nervous.

_"I know who you are. You were Cheerios. I saw you at school."_

Quinn's head suddenly shot up and I did a double take. We would have noticed this girl. She was just Sue's type. She was gorgeous and thin. We both obviously couldn't remember ever seeing her and felt bad that we had missed such an opportunity. She smiled and shook her head at us, almost as if she could read our minds.

_"You wouldn't have known me. I'm a freshman this upcoming year, hopefully a future Cheerio. My brother always let me watch the practices while I waited for him after school. I saw when you broke your leg."_ she said as she pointed at Quinn's leg.

Quinn blushed bright red as she rubbed her leg. _"Yeah that was a bad day."_ she mumbled then she appraised Ingrid from head to toe with that cold Head Cheerio gaze and then looked back up at the girl, _"And don't worry about Sue, the moment she sees you...she'll cut a varsity just to get you up on top of that pyramid."_

Ingrid beamed at Quinn's words and then leaned in closer to me before whispering, _"Do you have any pictures of the baby?"_

_"Of Isaac? Of course, I do!" _

I relished any opportunity to look at photos of my son. I pulled out my phone and clicked on a recent album. His smiling face lit up the screen and I felt another round of tears coming on. I missed him.

When I handed the phone over to her, I watched as her face lit up, too. She was scrolling through the pictures one by one and looked like this was the happiest moment of her life.

The front door slammed suddenly and without warning I watched the girl put the phone down and quickly scurry away. She had turned paler and looked like she had been caught red handed. I looked over at Quinn and could see that she looked a bit shaken and was quickly throwing up her walls. I prepared to do the same, especially after seeing how scared Ingrid was as she left the room.

I knew that look of fear in her eyes. Someone was hurting her. I was just praying that it wasn't in the same way that Ian was hurt.

* * *

Mrs. Perkins stepped into the kitchen with that same air of superiority that she had back at the church and immediately began to brew coffee. We sat quietly not knowing what to say or how to act in front of her. As she made the coffee, it made me question if she knew that I was pregnant again. Had Ian shared the news that she was to become a grandmother again?

_"Ingrid, come in here and serve."_ she shouted.

Moments later, Ingrid came scurrying back in to the kitchen with her head bowed and her lips tucked in her mouth. She looked like she was on the verge of tears but was doing her best to hold them in. What had been done to her that the very presence of her mother provoked such a fear in her? It was how I was when Papi was drunk but she didn't look bruised in any way.

More questions.

A shooting pain worse than all the others, shot through me and I could barely suppress the groan. I clapped a hand over my stomach and put the other over my mouth. The pain came with a bout of nausea as well.

Great.

Quinn looked over at me anxiously and placed a hand on my shoulder.

_"Are you okay, San?" _I nodded. It seemed the baby wanted to make its presence known. I just looked at Quinn and then down to my stomach.

_"Nothing worse than normal...just a bit nauseous." _I murmured hoping that seemed innocuous enough.

Mrs. Perkins sat down across from me and next to Quinn as we waited to be served our coffee but when the time came Ingrid only put cups in front of her mother and Quinn. Okay, with the way she acted, I could definitely tell that she knew at least. I smiled up at her and gladly accept the glass of water that she handed me. Ian must have told her.

_"So it is true then, what your grandmother told me, that you're pregnant again?"_ Mrs. Perkins said as she stared me down. I took at sip of the water and let it wash down some of the nausea as I looked Ian's mother in the eye.

_"Yes."_

_"With my son's baby?"_

_"Yes, I'm due in February."_

_"I see."_

I sat there awkwardly and drank my water, trying hard to suppress the intense pain that I was in. I just had to last just a little while longer and then we could head to the hospital. I wasn't sure what to say at this point. I had been thinking about everything that I had wanted to say to this woman since I got to Lima but now it seemed like the words had dried up. I was too overwhelmed with everything else that was going on in my head and my body, to think straight. Quinn however has always been good in these awkward situations.

_"Thank you so much for allowing us to meet with you, Mrs. Perkins. These circumstances aren't the very best, of course but the meeting of the most important women in your son's life was inevitable and incredibly necessary."_ I looked over at Q and smiled genuinely. How did I think that I would be capable of doing this alone?

_"I agree, Mrs. Perkins. I know the pain it has caused me and so I can't even begin to fathom what you must be feeling, at a time like this."_ I said as I sipped my water again.

_"Relief."_ She said matter-of-fact, with those cold eyes.

* * *

The water got caught in my throat and I began to choke on it. Had she really just said that? Quinn was patting me on the back as I tried to regain myself. What was wrong with this woman? When I finally regained myself I looked back up at her and could feel the frown marring my face.

_"Pardon me? I don't think I heard you right..."_

_"You heard me just fine. I am relieved that he is gone. My son was a burden on this family with all of his lies. He tainted our family by getting you pregnant twice. Then when I finally accepted that you and the baby weren't going anywhere, he told me how he had signed his rights away. That Isaac was no more my grandson than some pauper on the street."_

For the first time I could hear the strain in her voice. She was hurting. I could see it, I could imagine it. It was similar to Quinn's not being able to see Beth. I didn't like it one bit. If this was the problem, why hadn't he just told me? I had no problem with her getting to know Isaac. I mean yeah she seemed like a bitch but maybe that was because she felt like something was taken from her. Right? I could fix that. Easy.

_"With all due respect Mrs. Perkins. I never kept your son from Isaac, not one day and I would never keep Isaac from you. Ever! I have no problem with you seeing him, getting to know him. I only want what's best for my son and I would never deny you from him, blood ties are very important to me."_ I said trying to hammer my point home.

_"So then why isn't he here?"_

_"Like I told you at the church, he is in New York. His lungs are still too vulnerable for the plane ride. Regardless of how he got sick, he is sick. Had I known though that this was the issue, I would have made it a point to drive here just so that you could see him."_ I had my hands clenched together on the table top and I maintained eye contact the best that I could. I couldn't believe that this had been the point of contention.

I hope that Ian didn't kill himself over it.

_"You don't mean that, do you? Are you lying to me? I've heard the stories about you. I know the things that you have done and how you treat people."_

_"I don't deny anything that I've done. I'm a bitch, undoubtedly. I have made my share of mistakes and I am stronger from those experiences. I loved your son, purely and unconditionally. He meant the world to me. There is no other man that I would want as the father of my children. I'm proud to have known him and to have created children with him. I'm proud that I still hold a piece of him."_

_"You weren't proud enough. You left here with his son and you're pregnant to boot. You went off and married that girl when you could have married him and given your children a proper name."_

_"I'm a lesbian, Mrs. Perkins. I love my wife and don't regret marrying her. I am committed to her, he knew that and he accepted it."_

_"Then how did you get pregnant again, if you are so committed to your wife?"_ I could feel the tears coming down and I didn't care. I could see why someone with such a soft temperament like Ian's could get crushed by this woman she was ruthless, she could teach Berry a few things.

_"It was a moment of comfort...I nearly drowned and he saved my life, things went a little too far afterwards."_

_"And your wife is okay with that? She is okay that you broke your commitment to her with my son, over a moment of comfort? Is that why she isn't here with you?"_

_"She has school and she is caring for our son. Why are attacking me? I'm giving you what you want."_

_"I want to see him. I want you to prove that you mean to make good on allowing me to spend time with him."_

_"Fine. After the funeral I can fly you and Ingrid out to New York...put you up in a hotel. Anything you need so that you can have your time with him."_

_"Are you trying to placate me?"_

_"No. I mean it. I will make all the arrangements."_

_"Why would you do that? After everything that I just said to you...why would you still be willing to spend that much money just so I can spend time with Isaac?"_

_"Because I know what it is like to be kept from someone that you love, to lose someone that you love. I won't do that to you. Isaac is your grandson. He has your eyes, your blood running through his veins...who am I to deny you your right to him?"_

_"That's awfully generous of you."_

_"No, it's fair of me. So, just let me know when you would like to come and I will arrange it all, ok?"_

_"And the new baby...will you allow me time with that child too?" _

_"Of course, the same holds true for this baby as well."_

_"I may have been a little too hasty in banning you from the service after all...please accept my apologies."_

_"No need, I understand...I apologize for any hurt that I caused your family. I hope that we can move past this and do what's best for everyone involved."_

* * *

I felt so sick to my stomach. I felt like I had just sold my children or signed a pact with the devil. I didn't have a good feeling about all of this but I was hoping that for once my instincts were wrong. I made a move to stand but Mrs. Perkins cleared her throat. I shifted and looked back towards her.

_"Before you go...I need you to do something for me."_ she said as she stood to her feet.

_"Um...okay."_ I said, feeling like my patience with her was wearing thin.

She left the table and walked into the next room. Quinn was looking nervously at me and so was Ingrid. I could tell that they both didn't seem too happy about the arrangement that I had just made with Ian's mother and they weren't alone. I needed to talk this through with Britt. She could see what I couldn't see. No one could read people better than her. She would have known right away if this was all wrong.

I couldn't let this frazzle me while I still sat in that house so I just smiled at them both and tried to get them to relax. Quinn just nodded and finished off the last of her coffee. Ingrid though, stood there and looked at me with pity. I was definitely missing something.

I felt a chill go through me as Mrs. Perkins walked back in the room with a metal lock box in her hands. I looked up at her with rapt attention as she placed the box down onto the table in front of me. I looked down at it and back at her. She had a bit of a smirk on her face and my stomach lurched again. There were little speckles of dried blood on it.

* * *

_"Can you open this?" _she said as she I looked down at the box and then back up at me._ "It was my son's. It has my father's cufflinks in it. All the things that he cherished the most are in that box...you can have everything in it but I would like those cufflinks back."_

She looked annoyed at the box. She must have been trying to unlock the thing for quite awhile. It was one of those four digit number locks, where you create your own pass code. Why would she think that I would know how to open it? As his mother, one would think that she of all people would know her son well enough to know what his pass code was but then again...knowing Ian...he was banking on her not knowing him at all.

I put in my birthday because hey, he was in love with me right? When the lock didn't click I knew that there had to be some other four digit number that he knew his mother wouldn't immediately know.

What was his pin number?

Finally a light bulb appeared in my head. Of course! I smiled to myself and then flashed a grin at Q, she knew immediately what the code was just as well as I did.

**4,7,1,2**

When the lock popped open, my heart melted and I smiled bigger, of course everything came back to Isaac.

_"4/7/12, it's Isaac's birthday."_ Mrs. Perkins raised an eyebrow, she obviously hadn't known the day that her grandson was born. Ingrid though, was suppressing a grin...maybe she had tried to tell her mother.

I cracked the box open and a few flakes of dried blood fell to the table top. I had to bite on the inside of my cheek as the nausea filled me. This was all so real now. Then when I looked inside the box, I felt like I was looking into Ian's soul. I pushed through the stuff in there and found the black and silver cufflinks that Ian had worn to the prom and pulled them out into the palm of my hand. I swallowed past the nausea yet again as I pushed the beautiful cufflinks across the table.

I have never seen anyone move so quickly. The woman swooped down and gripped the cufflinks in her hand tightly with a look of triumph on her face. I shrugged and looked down at the box again.

_"Are you sure you don't want to at least see some of this stuff before I take it?"_

_"I got what I wanted...the rest of that junk will probably mean more to you than it ever will to me."_

* * *

The moment that we stepped out onto the porch, I sucked in a deep breath. I was still trying to fight my tears and the pain that was now shooting through my stomach and my ass. I felt like I was going to die. Quinn tossed an arm around my shoulders and led me down to the pavement.

_"You drive...okay?"_ I whispered to Quinn as we approached the car.

_"Whatever you want San."_ she said as I dropped the keys into her palm before opening the door and sliding into the comfort of the leather seats that still faintly smelled like Papi.

I just sat there taking it all in as Quinn climbed in on the other side and buckled up. I felt like I couldn't move. I rested my head back and turned towards Quinn. Although she had already started the car she looked like she was having trouble moving herself. I had been shocked by how silent she had been. I knew that she was thrown off her game and didn't know how to deal with it. She looked back at me and then reached over and buckled me in. I smiled appreciatively as I clutched the blood spattered metal box in my lap.

_"That woman gave me the creeps."_ Quinn said as she adjusted the mirrors.

_"Yea...I felt the same way. I can't believe she was related to Ian."_

_"Are you really going to fly her out to New York?"_ we pulled out onto the street and were finally making our way away from Lima Heights. Thank God!

_"Yes...that way I can keep an eye out and so Brittany can be there. I wish she had been with us just now."_

_"Me too."_

_"I do know though that I wouldn't bring Isaac here that's for sure."_

_"I second that."_

I groaned through a cramp and clenched my eyes closed. _"I feel like shit."_

_"You're really starting to worry me San. Where do you need to go?"_ Quinn said as she gripped the steering wheel tightly.

_"To the hospital."_

_"Ugh! Did we not spend enough time there this year? Do you feel that bad?"_

_"Yes. Besides you can blame this on Britt. She called Dr. Jindahl so that I could get a checkup and now I think I need it."_

_"Of course she did. You know I love B right?"_

_"Yes...but I agree she is being a bit overprotective."_

_"Absolutely. How can you stand it?"_

_"I prefer it to the cheating, the abuse, and um the lies."_

_"You have a point."_

_"I'm nervous Q."_

_"On a scale from one to ten, how bad is it?"_

_"A fifteen"_

_"Yea...then Britt was definitely right."_

* * *

As we drove to the hospital, I texted the good doctor just to let him know that I was showing up to my appointment a little early and that I wasn't feeling too hot, so as we walked up to the doors, with Quinn holding my arm because walking was a bitch, there he stood. I smiled through the pain as I felt a bit of nostalgia at seeing Dr. Jindahl.

_"Santana Lopez! Aren't you looking pretty in pink."_ I had forgotten that I was wearing a pink summer dress. I know crazy but true. Pink is my thing lately.

_"Thanks doc."_ I muttered.

_"And Ms. Fabray...always the innocent in white!"_ I rolled my eyes. Quinn was far from a fucking virgin...yet she still dressed like it.

_"Innocent, Ha!"_ I laughed out loud not being able to contain myself. Quinn landed an elbow to my side and the pain that shot through me made me wince.

_"Careful there Quinn, do that again and you'll have an angry lesbian on your hands."_ I choked out as we entered the exam room.

I headed straight into the bathroom and changed out of my clothes and into the hospital gown. I hated them but they were a necessary evil during exams. When I reentered the room, Quinn was typing away on her phone just outside the bathroom door. Probably texting Britt, no doubt.

I hopped up on the exam table, while Quinn sat on the chair just beside me. I was feeling a bit dizzy and just wanted to vomit but I knew that there was barely anything in my stomach. Dr. Jindahl came into the room and shut the door before proceeding to wash his hands and snap on some gloves. He seemed amused with himself today...or maybe I brought that out in him. I wasn't quite certain. I leaned forward with my hands on my knees and looked at him as I took deep breaths.

_"Lie back."_ I nodded and finally gave in to the urge to rest my body. The moment I laid onto the pillow, I felt my body relax tenfold. He stood over me and looked down into my face as he adjusted the bed into a more reclined position so that I was almost sitting up but not quite. His happy expression looked a little troubled all of a sudden. _"So let's go for the tough stuff first, since you aren't looking so good...ok?"_

_"Okay doc."_ I choked out as he began to take my temperature and blood pressure.

_"Have you gotten high lately?"_

_"Not since May. I also haven't touched alcohol."_ I said, feeling proud of myself.

_"Great! How about sexual partners in the last six months?"_ he asked as he listened to my lungs.

_"Three."_

_"Three? I don't like the sound of that. Who were these three? Please tell me your wife is one of them?"_

_"Brittany, Ian, and Frankie."_

_"Ok, when did these occur?"_

_"Ian in May thus the pregnancy, Frankie in June and Britt, well, all the time."_

_"Do you plan to sleep with anyone else other than Brittany in the near future?"_

_"Nope. I have tamed the tiger...as my Papi used to say."_

_"Good to hear! Are you seeing a doctor in the city?"_

_"Yes. Dr. Cabot...she has nothing on you doc...although she is pretty hot."_

_"And I'm not? I mean it's a shame really...the hottest doctors do make the biggest mistakes."_

_"That's not true! And if it is...then Quinn is sure in trouble!"_ I couldn't see her but I'm pretty sure Quinn was shooting me a death glare.

_"Have you had any spotting?"_

_"No...just a lot of pain lately."_

_"When did it start?"_

_"On the plane yesterday."_

_"Alright...lets get you on your feet and then we can further examine you._ _Come step up on the scale."_

_"Ugh...I hate this part."_ I bitched as I slid down onto the cold floor tiles. Quinn had a hand out to steady me thankfully, since I nearly landed on my face. _"Thanks, Q."_

_"No problem."_ she said as she continued to walk with me until I was securely up on the scale. I watched as Dr. Jindahl began to move the heavy metal pieces around and then he scrunched up his face and scribbled something down. I looked at him feeling a sense of dread.

_"113 pounds. That's not good enough."_

_"Are you kidding? Before Isaac I was 98. This is pretty heavy in my book."_

_"Well your book is flawed. Pre-pregnancy I have you listed at 109...you need to gain more weight for this pregnancy to stick. How is your diet?"_

I shrugged as Quinn helped me back up on the table. I laid back against the pillows again and clenched my eyes shut as a pain hit me again, this time on my side. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Dr. Jindahl had his eyebrow cocked and was holding his hand out.

_"What? Do I have to get back up?"_ I said as I rested up on my elbows.

_"Give me your phone."_

_"What for?" _I asked as I grabbed my purse from Quinn. What could he possibly need it for? He came over to me and put his hand out again.

_"Hand it over."_

* * *

I sighed as I rummaged through my purse, total pigsty that it was, and pulled out my phone. Quinn looked amused as she watched me. Did I miss something? I unlocked the phone and then handed it over to him. I watched as he looked through it and then hit the screen. I rolled my eyes. I knew what he was doing and I did not approve. The room was suddenly filled with the sound of the phone ringing.

_"Hey Ana!"_ Britt's voice came through. She sounded out of breath, like she had run to the phone.

_"Brittany, its Dr. Jindahl."_

_"Oh...hey Dr. J. Everything okay?"_ she sounded nervous and I could just picture her nibbling on her lip.

_"Working on it. I have your wife here. Could you tell me how often Santana eats?"_

_"Um...when I make her. I have a full course load this summer so I usually have a least one meal a day with her. Why what's wrong? Is the diabetes back?"_

_"No. She is just a bit underweight for someone her height and age, especially someone who is almost four months pregnant. I need her to gain about 10 pounds."_

My jaw dropped I had never been that big...not even with Isaac. When I got pregnant with him I had just tipped the scale at 98 and when I had him I was 110. Is he kidding me? How was I supposed to manage that much weight? I was feeling sick just thinking about it.

_"I will do all that I can. Thanks doc. Ana baby...what did you eat today?"_ she called through the phone. I swallowed deeply and then looked at the knowing looks from Quinn and Dr. Jindahl.

_"I had a slice of toast and a banana."_

_"That's definitely not enough babe! Quinnie, can you please make sure she eats? Please?" _

_"Okay Britt. You got it."_ Quinn muttered as she smiled at me. I rolled my eyes.

_"I have to get back to class now, love you guys. Ana...please eat!"_ the line cut out and then suddenly the silence was slapping me in the face. I sat there feeling annoyed that everyone was on my case. I could feel the irritation under my skin. My stomach was hurting and I hadn't gotten any answer to why that was.

_"Look I don't need this right now okay. I'm stressed. I'm tired, I'm in a fucking state of mourning and I'm hurting! Fix that and then worry about me eating...okay?"_

_"I just needed to stress why it is so important for you to take care of yourself. The last time that you were this stressed out you turned to drugs."_

_"So what do you suggest, doc?"_

_"Eat more, to be honest you need to overeat when you can."_

_"Fine. I will try. Now can you please make the pain go away?" _I huffed with all the irritation than I could muster. I was tired and achy and just wanted him to fucking fix me.

* * *

During my aggravating visit with the good doctor, I found out that the pain that I had was because my body was seeking nutrition from my muscles. He told me I controlled my pain by how much I ate. I thought it was a bullshit diagnosis but I just promised to drink three gallons of water and eat a whole steak, since apparently my iron was low too. He shot me up with a bunch of vitamins and put me on a drip until my body was back to its needed hydration levels. I will admit that I did feel better afterwards.

So I begrudgingly bit my tongue the whole ride home, not wanting to admit that I did indeed feel better. I attempted to go right up to bed but instead Quinn insisted on dragging me out to the tennis courts to tell my mom and mother-in-law about my doctor's visit and so I ended up in the kitchen with them as they all watched me eat an obscene amount of food. They had wanted to get into the conversation that I had had with Mrs. Perkins but after about two minutes of digestion I was falling asleep across the kitchen island.

So finally, Mami helped me upstairs to my room. I was feeling insanely tired so I allowed her to help me change and then she tucked me under my big comforter and turned the air on full blast just the way that I liked it. I thanked her graciously and then closed my eyes tightly, I just needed to escape for a few hours.

* * *

I slept longer than I had intended to because when I woke up it was dark out. I dragged myself out of the bed and stretched my body out. The pain was completely gone now. I felt so relieved. I sat back down on to the bed and picked up my phone. I had a message from Quinn telling me she was spending the rest of the afternoon with her parents and picking up her car. Then there was a message from my mother telling me that she was headed out shopping for dinner that night. Finally I saw that I had six missed calls from Britt and six text messages.

I needed to talk to her about this. She really should get into the habit of calling someone else to make sure I wasn't dead or something. Then again...she probably did...I mean she had called Noah and Dr. Jindahl. I scrolled through the texts which were more urgent as they went along.

**_Tlkd 2 ur doc agn. Said ur wy 2 sknny. Do u need me thr?-B_**

_"No."_ I muttered in response.

**_Tlkd 2 Izzy's doc said he is clrd 2 fly-B_**

_"Fuck no! I don't want him on a plane!" _That had been three hours ago.

**_Bkd my tckt-B_**

_"Fuck!"_

**_Where r u?-B_**

_"Apparently not around to talk you out of coming."_

**_Gttng on pln c u soon-B_**

_"I cannot believe you right now Brittany Susan." _I was so angry. All my achieved peace had flown right out of the window.

**_Jst gt 2 Dayton, Izzy slpt da whl way.-B_**

_"I can't believe you right now." _

I yelled as I threw my phone across the bed, it rolled until it landed with a thump, onto the carpeted floor.

Fuck!

I really didn't want him on a plane. Too late now I guess...now I just had no choice but to wait. She was going to get an earful when I saw her.

I sat back in bed and tried to make the new ache in my head stop. I was literally shaking with rage.

When I heard a knock on the door a few seconds later, I burst into tears. I couldn't contain the emotions swimming through me in that moment. I just wanted Ian. I wanted him here to talk me down from the ledge...but then again...Fuck!

The door creaked open and there standing in front of me with the biggest grin on her fucking face was my wife. She knew though...she knew from the look on my face that she was the last person I wanted to see right now. Her face dropped and panic immediately flooded her features because she knew as well as I did, that she had just fucked up big time.

* * *

**A/N: I have so many feelings when it comes to this chapter. Do you? Let me know what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5:Heartless

**A/N: Thank you so much for the adds and the reviews. They make this story so much easier to write, I appreciate all avenues of criticism. I have a rule for every negative there must be a positive. Oh...and that PM message...you find a way to get me to be a writer on Glee and I will do it! **

* * *

**Chapter 5:Heartless (Kanye West)**

* * *

**_Her face dropped and panic immediately flooded her features because she knew as well as I did, that she had just fucked up big time._**

* * *

There was once a time in my relationship, when Britt could have done every unspeakable evil to me and I would have come running back to her with a smile on my face. When I look back I can't seem to remember when that stopped holding true for us...if I had to guess it would probably be somewhere around the time that she began to get physically abusive with me. She would probably tell you that it was the moment that Ian stepped into my life...I'm not sure who's right, so lets just say that it was both of those things that brought me to this point.

When she saw the way that I looked at her and her face dropped, I didn't even flinch. I simply looked down at where I was sitting on the bed and realized that just a few months prior I had fucked Frankie in the same exact spot.

How many times now had Brittany done something that led me to an extreme action, like fucking her mistress to prove a point?

She must have seen where I was looking because she didn't move. She stood there, hands thrust in her pockets and her lip between her teeth. As I looked down at the bed, I realized how far I had gone to save my marriage. I had done the unthinkable and now here I was about to flip my shit because she was trying to be there to comfort me. She had gone to an extreme for me.

I was so fucking confused.

My heart began to race and my palms were sweaty as I thought of how I could approach this situation because I knew that if I lost it on her, she would leave me.

Fickle, right?

Brittany can be insanely selfish and petty but look who's talking...I'm incredibly petty sometimes and selfish...isn't that what addiction is all about? (I'm not addicted though, just an example!)

Finally, I looked up at her and then patted the mattress right next to me. Her face brightened up a little bit as she rolled her suitcase to the wall between the bed and the door. I sat quietly and patiently as she kicked off her trucker boots that she loved so much and then slid onto the bed and sat down right beside me.

_"Did you just wake up?"_ she whispered, trying to tread lightly with me. I don't know how it happened but before I knew it, I flung myself into her arms and buried my head against her chest.

Hot, angry tears were streaming down my face as I tried my best to channel my rage. I was at a point where I couldn't decipher between my anger and my hormones and I didn't want to snap at her. She knew though, that I was upset and so she tried to just placate me.

_"I heard that you had a busy day before and after we talked."_

_"So much happened."_

_"Well I'm here now. Do you want to fill me in?"_

_"I guess so."_

_"You're mad at me though, aren't you?" _She pulled away a bit so that she could look into my watery eyes. I clenched my eyes closed and then nodded my head before letting out another sob.

_"I don't want to be Britt. I know that you needed to see me. I missed you. I missed Isaac!" _I was so angry with the tears that were pouring from my eyes.

What the actual fuck was this?

I guarantee you that this is why I was dehydrated, because I cry every five minutes! I don't remember even crying this much when I was pregnant with Isaac.

_"I understand. It's okay to be mad. I totally did something that you didn't want me to do. I just needed to be with you. I needed to talk to you in person. I missed you so much. Izzy has been so fussy without you, so I know he missed you. It's only been one day and he keeps looking around for you. He's here now though, the family was so happy to see him._"

Brittany has the ability to slip things into her comments that I never think about until long after the conversation is over. This was one of those moments. She basically bombarded me with enough information to throw me off her scent but I heard what she said and I was storing it for later. Now though...there was something else that piqued my curiosity.

_"Did you say family? Who's here other than Mami and Quinn?"_

_"Everyone! I was kind of shocked to see them all, actually. My parents are here, Celia and Damariz. Oh and some woman who seemed a little creepy."_

_"A woman? What did she look like?" _

_"I don't know...I literally walked in waved a quick hello and then came up. Quinn had the car seat and told me to just come on up and get you, so that's what I did."_

_"So, you were able to see who was here but you can't tell me what the woman looked like?"_

_"Just come see for yourself my love, dinner should be served any minute and I know that you haven't eaten since this afternoon."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Quinn was the one who picked me up from the airport. She told me that Gladys was making a huge family Sunday dinner to try and bring your spirits up."_

_"I don't really want to do that, B."_

_"Well, sorry...you don't have a choice here, Ana. You can't gain those ten pounds if you don't eat. Besides, I don't want you up here alone, getting all depressed, well...more depressed. Your sisters flew in just to be here with you and for you. So go wash up and then let's go downstairs and eat dinner as a family."_ she stood up from the bed and held her hand out to help me up.

I looked up at her and sucked in a deep breath. I knew that she was right. I knew that whether I liked it or not I couldn't just think about myself anymore. If I was serious about having a healthy pregnancy and bringing this baby to term, which I was, then I had to do what the doctors asked of me. I also knew that I needed to not be so stressed and had to try to keep my anger to a minimum.

I stood to my feet waiting for the wave of dizziness to come on but there wasn't any. I smiled and looked up into Britt's bright eyes, leaning in to press a kiss to her sweet, soft lips. I smiled into the kiss and then rested my hands on her hips and enjoyed the sweetness of her embrace.

_"Okay, okay. Do you mind waiting for me, I really need to take a shower, is that okay?"_

_"If it helps you to feel better...then lets get moving, sweet cheeks." _she said as she patted my ass and winked at me.

* * *

I stood under the water and allowed the heat to soak into my skin. It felt good to have a moment to just enjoy it all. Britt stood against the sink and hummed to herself as I scrubbed at my skin harshly. I was still angry inside and I needed to vent in some way and this was the least harmful.

_"Ana? Are you okay in there?"_ Britt asked suddenly.

_"Um, yeah...why?"_ I poked my head out and looked at her. She smiled and then shrugged as she picked at her nails.

_"You keep grunting. It's what you do when you scrub too hard...you shouldn't do that. That's how you get the dry patches."_ I rolled my eyes and popped my head back under the water. Leave it to her to remember crap that Papi used to scold me for. I had really bad eczema as a kid and it was only exacerbated by insanely hot showers and hard scrubbing...I was currently doing both.

_"So, B how was school, did you finish up your last final? And who by the way throws a final on a Sunday?"_ I was trying to make small talk to keep my nerves calm. I had a sneaking suspicion that Mami had invited Mrs. Perkins over and that Britt was hiding something from me.

_"It was good. Exhausting. I'm glad that I got to take all of my fall classes this summer. Dancing finals are brutal. I almost broke my nose this morning, some chick did a spinning headstand and missed my nose by an inch. Oh and it was my idea. Our professor is this really sweet Jewish lady...like Rachel, she has Jewish church on Saturdays so she asked us if we minded moving the final to Sunday. Some people objected but I convinced them."_

_"Wow. Who knew you could be so convincing?"_

_"It's one of my many talents."_ she boasted.

_"So, are you done with school now?"_

_"Yes. So, now I'm free to bug you until I leave for the tour in October."_

_"And how long will you be gone again?"_

_"Just two months. It's a small tour. I will be back just before Christmas...then I have spring semester back at school so I will be here. Then there is the summer leg of the tour. I didn't sign on for that yet though, I figured we could talk more about it."_

_"Wow, B...you have it all planned out huh?"_ I said as I stepped from the shower, trying my best not to feel sensitive about her leaving me in a month. I had promised her that I would be okay while she went off and danced. It was her dream and so I had swallowed my opinions and agreed that she should go.

_"Yes. If you want me to stay though__,__ I will ."_ she said, biting her lip. She kept saying that ever since she signed the papers back in July. Each time though I would just look at her and shake my head. I wasn't going to stop her. She would be back for the birth of the baby and that was what was important.

_"You're going. We agreed already. I will be fine. I have Sandra and Quinn. What more could I ask for?" _I dried off my damp skin and then tossed the towel back on the rack. I shrugged and then turned to the full length mirror and looked at my body. It looked so distorted to me. My hips were too wide, my scar was red and puffy, my formally perfect boob job was looking a little too fluffy. Britt though, she looked at my body and just smiled. It made me uneasy as I raised an eyebrow._ "What...I look horrible don't I?"_

_"I just think you're so beautiful, Ana."_ she whispered as she came closer to me.

I smiled and leaned in pressing my lips against hers and pulling her against my damp body. "I think you are pretty hot yourself, Britt Britt."

_"I know. I want you so bad Ana."_ she wrapped her hands around me and backed me against the wall. My skin vibrated with excitement and I felt the moisture pool between my legs. She kissed me hard and I kissed back, nipping at her lips. This was a much better way to deal with the tension that I was feeling. I had my hands in her hair as I pulled her closer to me when I heard a bang on the door.

_"Enough of that ladies! We are all waiting for you two!"_ I heard Q chuckle from the other side of the door and watched as Britt's face lit up with a smirk.

_"Cockblock..."_ I muttered loudly as I wrapped myself back up in a towel.

_"Hey! I heard that!"_ Quinn yelled out.

_"Hurry up sweet cheeks."_ Britt whispered in my ear as she slapped my bare ass. I jumped and pushed her towards the doorway.

When I stepped into my bedroom, Britt was sitting on the bed bouncing up and down while going through her phone. Quinn stood over in the corner of the room at the changing table with Isaac. He was smiling up at her and she was having a whispered conversation with him. It was a beautiful moment.

I glanced at the time and saw that my shower took much longer than I expected and that I really should hurry up. I quickly got dressed and brushed my hair into a bun. I didn't have time to deal with a blow dryer...besides the noise scares Isaac.

We all headed down to the dining room together. I had stolen my son back from Q and was holding him tight to my chest as I slowly walked down the stairs. He was babbling in my ear about something very interesting I'm sure. He had that sweet baby smell that made my heart fill with joy. I was glad that he was here.

I knew in that moment that I was grateful for Britt coming because I knew that it would be easier to get through this tough time with Isaac in my arms. He was my piece of Ian.

He was my peace.

* * *

As we entered the foyer, which sits above the dining room, I saw her immediately. Mrs. Perkins stood out like a sore thumb amongst my family, she had Ingrid with her. They were sitting there still as stone as Mrs. Perkins talked to Britt's mom.

_"Um...hey Q? Is that..."_ I muttered to her, even though I knew the answer already.

_"Yes. And she saw Izzy. I swear, San, it was the first time I saw that woman smile all day. Still creepy."_

_"Did she hold him?"_

_"No...just Gladys."_

_"Good."_

I wanted to maintain my good faith with her...or build it. I'm still not quite certain where I stand with that woman but I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to make nice. I stepped down into the dining room as I held a happy Isaac in my arms. Everyone looked up as we walked down the stairs. Britt had an arm casually around my waist, just like she always did when I held the baby. She was insanely protective of him which made me smile. Ian would be proud.

As we approached the big table, I saw that there was an empty seat at the head of the table in reverence to my father and then there was Mami's empty seat. She was still in the kitchen while everyone sat at the table and chatted.

Mami had put Mrs. Perkins in the seat right beside her and me and Britt were on the other side next to her parents. Isaac's high chair was between our chairs.

The seating arrangement looked random but I knew that it served a purpose.

I would have Britt and Isaac on one side of me and Quinn on the other. It was quite genius actually. I was directly across from Celia and Damariz...and thankfully Britt's dad was across from Mrs. Perkins.

Did I lose you?

Either way...I didn't really have to talk to Ian's mother directly if I didn't want to. I would make sure to thank my mother later.

I walked Britt to her seat next to her mom and then I paused in my actions. I looked across the table and could see Mrs. Perkins watching me from the corner of her eye. I smiled down at my wife and then I walked around the table and slid into my mother's empty seat. The woman turned and looked at me questioningly. I looked down at my son and then back up at this cold woman that he was related to. My instincts were screaming for me to run the other way but I swallowed those feelings down and looked over at Britt. I knew she could see my worry. She was silently urging me to come back to our side of the table but I turned from her and looked back at Mrs. Perkins.

_"Would you like hold him?"_ I asked as I brushed my sweaty hand through his curls.

_"Are you sure?"_ she asked without a hint of excitement in her voice.

_"He's your grandson, I meant what I said earlier."_ I said as I held him out to her.

The table had gone completely silent as I released my son into this woman's hands. This was a big deal. Every person at the table knew that Ian's relationship with his mother was volatile. Some of them even knew why.

My heart was pounding harshly as she touched him for the first time. She held him up in front of her and he looked up at her and then looked back at me before looking at her again. I was clenching my fists in my lap, my fingernails biting into the palm of my hand. I was hoping that he would stay the happy baby that he was and wouldn't start crying. Mami always said that babies can usually sense people's ill will.

I was silently praying. This was okay. It would be fine. She wouldn't hurt him in a room full of people. She was in a room with his other three grandparents, his mothers, aunts and godmother...he was safe. I was sure of it.

I kept a small smile on my face as I watched her hold him and talk to him in her Irish brogue. Her eyes were finally alight with joy as she finally made him smile. I breathed a sigh of relief as he began to smile for her.

_"He's very handsome."_ she said before handing him back to me.

The moment he was back in my arms, the room was a buzz again. Mami cleared her throat and I flinched. She was standing just behind me and had a cold look in her eyes. She was not happy with what I had just done and I was sure that if I looked around at everyone else, I would see similar looks.

I got up and made my way back around the table and sat Isaac down in his chair. He smiled when he saw his big fuzzy keys and immediately put them in his mouth. I dropped a kiss on his head as I finally took a seat in my chair.

When I looked back at Isaac, I saw that Britt was now involved in his game with his keys. She was turned towards him and would pull them out his mouth and then hand them back to him, before he would smile and shove them right back in his mouth. This was their game...simple and easy. I caught her staring at me and saw in her eyes what I was dreading.

She looked worried as she looked back at our son and then at me. She didn't get a good vibe from this woman and her instincts were never wrong. I knew that she wasn't happy about me letting this woman into Isaac's life but she wasn't going to press me on it in that moment.

I smiled at her and then turned back towards my plate. I just wanted to eat and then go back to the safety and comfort of my bedroom. This day had just been too fucking long.

* * *

Dinner was good after we actually had food in front of us. The conversation was light which was great. On top of that, Mrs. Perkins had taken a liking to Britt's parents which is so unbelievably ironic that I can't even express my emotions properly. It was interesting breaking bread with Ian's mother and not with Ian.

My heart was aching for his presence...I was glad though that she was trying to let me in.

It was after Mrs. Perkins finally left that things got a little hairy for me. It seemed like the moment that I shut the door behind her I was converged upon by my family.

_"What the heck were you thinking, Santana?"_ Quinn said, cornering me in the foyer.

I breezed past her and headed into the kitchen, where everyone was sitting around the island having dessert and coffee. Britt was rocking a sleeping Isaac in her arms and running her finger across his cheek. Everyone was looking at me with those cold stares again. I was cranky and had a headache the size of Texas, so I figured I would nip things in the bud right away. I just wanted to get sleep. I mean come on...I had been going all day long!

_"Look, I know that you guys are all kind of upset about this whole situation. Believe me, this is not how I want things to be. If Ian was here..."_

I paused dramatically and wiped the oncoming tears from my eyes.

_"He would deal with her. I'm just doing things as they come along. I need to bury him. I need to be there. She wasn't going to let me go to the funeral. So letting her see Isaac was my peace offering. I'm so fed up with the way things are going right now and I don't know what else to do. So please...just trust me."_

I watched my mother roll her eyes along with Quinn and it stung. _"Okay...so I'm still earning your trust back...how about this. I will always make sure one of you is around when she has him. I won't leave him alone with her. Okay?"_ I was pleading now and openly...you guessed it...crying.

Again.

I didn't wait for a response as I quickly turned around and headed straight for the stairs. I didn't want to know what they thought. I just wanted to escape them and their judgments. I couldn't take any more criticism. I had had enough.

* * *

_"You didn't think she was nice."_

I asked quietly as I laid in bed with Brittany spooning me that night. I had been a crying wreck when she came in to grab Isaac's play pen. Mami had asked if he could stay with her for the night. So when she came back after settling him in across the hall, she had wasted no time changing into her Julliard t-shirt and crawling in behind me.

_"Yea...not really. It just doesn't add up, Ana. Ian told us both about how cruel and abusive she was to him. Something is just off and I didn't get a good vibe from her."_

_"You don't think that maybe you are being a bit paranoid, B?"_ I knew that was a stretch because Brittany never got paranoid...at least not while she was on her meds.

_"Ian wouldn't have made up all that stuff about her, would he?"_ she asked sincerely, second guessing herself.

_"No, B. I knew Ian, he wouldn't lie about something like that. He shared a lot of his pain and sadness with me, with us. There was much more to him than he showed other people. So I know what he said about her had to be true...I just don't think that her issues with him will carry over to Isaac. At least not at this age. I'll never let what happened to Ian, happen to Isaac. I promise that."_

_"What do you mean by that? I don't understand."_

_"Well it's not really her so much as it is what his Uncle Thomas did to him. The man is unhinged apparently. He raped Ian, repeatedly. I know that he beat on him too, in front of his mom and now that I have met her, I'm pretty sure Ian's little sister has suffered some kind of abuse as well. His mother never believed him and just today she told me she was relieved that he was dead because of all his lies. But I know with all my heart that she is the one that is lying."_

Britt sat up on the bed with a hand clasped over her mouth in horror. The singular lamp in the room, illuminated her with a deep shadow across the side of her face but it didn't completely shield the look on her face from me. I sat up beside her and rested a hand on the small of her back and rubbed there. She abruptly turned to me with anger in her eyes.

_"Well if you knew that something is off with those people, with her, why were you being so nice to her and letting her hold our son? You don't need to suck up to her! She should be sucking up to you. You have the power here. You have something that she wants."_ she had her fists clenched as she scrubbed the tears out of her eyes. _"Why would you even go see her today? Screw the funeral, Santana. You have the best part of Ian in Izzy."_ she looked like she wanted to shake me. I pulled at her until we were lying face to face in the bed.

I watched her face crumple up as she cried. I hated to see her cry, it always broke my heart.

_"I'm sorry B. It won't happen again."_ I said as I snuggled against her and rubbed her back until she fell asleep in my arms. I stared at her as she drifted off and started to breathe softly. Her face which is usually in a look of peace while she is sleeping, was all scrunched up and she looked troubled. My heart clenched at the thought of her being troubled because of me. Just like Ian.

* * *

About an hour had gone by and I still couldn't sleep. It had more to do with my long nap than me being upset over how things were with my wife. I knew that she would wake up in the morning and things would be okay again...I loved that about Britt. She tended to push past the petty stuff and get down to the meat of the issue. If she could fix it, then she did and if she couldn't then she let it go. I strove to be more like that every day. Someday I'll get it together.

I gave up on sleep and ended up getting up out of the bed. I moved a pillow under Britt's arm so that she wouldn't wake up and then I kissed her face before I got up and I slid into my moccasins. I figured I could go walk the grounds or maybe just get a snack for the baby. I'm sure me getting up for food would make Britt happy. I looked down at her for a moment and just admired her sweet face that had finally slackened and looked peaceful...it made my heart melt.

When I quietly headed down the stairs, so many memories began sweeping through my mind. The guest room where Marco raped me, the living room where Papi had punched me in the face, the dining room table where Marco proposed, and my father's office where Sandra cornered me after I got so messed up I couldn't see straight, where I got my inheritance, and where I got married...the first time.

The house was dark and quiet. So much of it was filled with horrible memories but there were good ones too. The kitchen island, where Britt and I first kissed, the patio where she and I first had a full make out session.

Then crazy ones like the backdoor, Ian had fixed the hinges after a particularly rough fucking session that we had...a week after the shower sex, which I had never talked to anyone about, not even my wife.

I found myself smiling...it was how I really got pregnant...on purpose. It was something that only Ian knew besides me. He knew what I wanted...he knew that it was for another baby and he didn't care. It was the first time that I let him be in complete control during sex and he surprised me...big time.

I shuddered as I stepped out onto the patio and sat down on a lawn chair. It was dark outside, it seemed that the moon had decided not to brighten up the outside. So I just sat and looked up at the stars for awhile. I was still reminiscing about me and Ian when I heard the distinct swishing of liquid in a bottle. Up until Papi's death it was usually what signaled me to leave the house until he sobered up. If I heard that sound, I was usually at Britt's house or in my tree house in a heartbeat. He never went there.

I stood to my feet but then the noise stopped. I froze in place and listened for it until I heard it again. I was definitely not hearing things...that was definitely the sound of someone drinking, in the dark.

I listened and crept along the edge of the pool, the sound got louder, the closer I got to the pool house. I pushed the door and hit something...or someone rather, jumping a bit when I heard a grunt.

I flicked on the light switch and there sitting on the ground was my best friend with a half bottle of rum in one hand and a fresh cigarette in the other. There were about six cigarette butts crushed on a plate right next to her. She was quickly making her way through a pack. She squinted up at me and then took a long drag of her cigarette. She was a wreck.

* * *

_"What are you doing up, Santana?"_ she slurred as she blew out a puff of smoke. She was really upset and I knew that it was bigger than my drama with Mrs. Perkins.

_"What's going on with you, Q?"_ I asked as I pulled a cushion off the bench and slowly slid down the wall and sat on it. I waited for her to take another drag of the cigarette before I pulled it from her fingers and smashed it against the plate until it went out. She looked at me with that cold bitch stare that she has but when she's drunk it just looks like she's constipated. I snickered and then placed the plate up onto the bench before sliding in close to her.

_"Why'd you do that for, I was enjoying that?"_ she slurred.

_"Because second hand smoke kills and I'm with child. Your godchild, in fact."_

_"Right."_ Q whispered before banging her head back against the concrete wall. She must have been so far gone that it didn't even seem to faze her.

The bottle swished again as she drank slowly from it. Leave it to Quinn, to look graceful even when she had her lips around a bottle of brown liquor. I placed a hand on her knee and she flinched at my touch but I didn't pull my hand back. The motion light suddenly went out and we were plunged into darkness. She sighed as the darkness covered us.

_"So, what's up with you, Q?"_

_"Rachel..."_ she said and then sniffled. Oh goodness...worse than I thought. Quinn was crying now because of Berry. Just great!

_"What about her? We had a great summer together...things were great when I left. It has only been like a day since we were home...what happened in that time?"_

_"She broke up with me, San...said that she needed space. She said she wanted to have the full college experience and I was holding her back."_

_"She didn't?"_ I said feeling like someone struck me.

_"Oh no, she did. When I decided to follow you back to Lima she said it was the perfect opportunity to move onto campus. I didn't argue with her, she was supposed to be moving in today anyway so it was just a day early. Everything was fine and then apparently in the twenty four hours that she has been on that campus with those fucking fairies, it has given her a new perspective on life."_ she growled.

_"She must have met someone."_ I whispered more to myself but Q heard me loud and clear even in her drunken state.

"_What, how do you know that? Did you hear that from B or something? Do you know that as a fact?"_

_"I don't know it as fact but I can tell, Q. She loves you enough not to cheat on you, so if she does things this way then she can experiment, fuck around and won't feel guilty about it."_

_"Fuck. You're right San! That's sounds exactly like Rachel! That bitch."_ Quinn was muttering to herself now, sounding like a certified nut job.

I rubbed at her knee and she leaned her head onto my shoulder, I laid my head on top of hers and began shushing her cries. She didn't need to get herself worked up over it, she was way too hot to be worried about something like that.

_"This just means that you can focus on school and you can do some exploring yourself. Trust me Quinn, this will be a blessing in disguise, don't tie yourself down if you don't have to...you'll regret it. Trust me." _I was chewing on the inside of my cheek as I thought about my marriage to Marco.

_"Don't let B hear you say that."_ It hadn't even occurred to me how that comment would sound to my wife.

_"Shit, with my luck she will come barging through that door any second."_

We sat quietly and waited to see if B was actually going to show up in the room but a few minutes passed with nothing but our breathing and the occasional swish of liquid. I sighed in relief because that would not have been a good thing to add to her already being so upset over the Mrs. Perkins thing. I didn't need the drama.

What I didn't know however, was that Britt's timing hadn't been off...she had been standing just on the other side of the door feeling that same sense of regret about our marriage that I had been thinking about my first marriage. I had given her the fuel to do what she needed to do to break my heart. Our marriage had been a whirlwind of drama with not much breathing room. We were both spent from it all.

I knew that Britt had been secretly counting down the days to tour and I knew that I had just been hoping that I could find the time to take a class or something just to get out of the house. A part of me couldn't wait for her to go just so she wouldn't be nagging me every five minutes. Our lives had lost the innocence and excitement that it once had.

I couldn't argue against Rachel breaking things off with Quinn. The hobbit had the foresight to see what she didn't want for her immediate future. She wanted to live free and experience college life with no strings attached...so did I but I didn't have that luxury anymore, I had a family and responsibilities. Fun time was over.

Quinn and I were both caught up in our own thoughts as we sat in the darkness. Finally I threw my arm around her shoulders and shook her a little bit. She sat up and rubbed at her face.

_"I'm too hot to be crying over her. Fuck her! I'm Quinn Fabray, damnit!"_ Ahhh and there is the angry drunk Quinn...her I could deal with.

_"So when you get back to New York I expect to see you out on dates and getting your mack on Fabray. Got it?"_

_"Yes! You know what San, you're right, I have seen some hotties on campus...definitely...Rachel's loss right?"_

_"Right."_

After convincing Quinn that she was way too hot to be moping around like this, I managed to get her quietly settled into the guest room before dragging my tired ass up the steps. The day was finally hitting me hard and I knew that I would crash once I hit the sheets. I was looking forward to cuddling against my wife and finally catching up on my sleep.

* * *

It was around three when I returned to the room. I opened the door quietly, expecting to just crawl right into bed with my wife. I had my head down as I stepped in the room so I definitely didn't anticipate running straight into my pacing wife. She made a soft grunting sound as we collided. I fell against the door and it slammed shut causing me to jump. Britt had just kept pacing without looking up at me. She was lost in her head and it scared me...I had never seen her this disconnected.

_"B?"_ I grabbed a hold of her arm and she whipped around and snatched her arm away. Her eyes looked distant and cold, like Mrs. Perkins and it made me nauseous. _"Baby what's wrong?"_ I asked as I placed my hands on either side of her face, stepping in her way and pulling her against me, forcing her to stop in her tracks.

_"Hey."_ she said as she looked down into my eyes and bit her lip.

_"Sweetie what are you doing up?"_ I whispered.

_"You don't have to whisper he is across the hall with Gladys, remember? He can't hear you."_

_"Right. So tell me what's wrong? Why were you pacing?"_

_"I followed you downstairs..."_ she said to me as her blue eyes burned into mine. I hadn't seen that look in her eyes since all the drama from months ago and it froze me to the core.

She pulled away from me and sat down on the side of the bed, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. I watched as she rubbed her hands over her face repeatedly.

She was definitely upset. I walked over to her and stood between her legs and pulled her head up so that I could see her eyes. She was crying. It was then that I knew that her timing wasn't off. It had been perfect as always.

_"I don't regret marrying you, B...I was talking about-"_ she cut me off and pushed my hand from her face.

_"You do. Don't lie to me Santana. I understand why you said it...we were too young to get married. We are still teenagers. It was stupid. Teenagers shouldn't get married."_ she cried and then reached out and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her forehead against my stomach. I rested my hands on the top of her head and ran them down through her hair.

_"My only regret is not being able to go to college and be a kid a little while longer...that has nothing to do with you, though. I got pregnant in high school, I did a boat load of drugs, I missed out on my senior year...but that has nothing to do with being married to you, I don't regret us, Brittany."_

_"So you don't think we are growing apart?" _she mumbled against the exposed skin of my stomach as she raised my shirt and kissed my scar. It made me shiver...she had never done that before...only Ian...

_"Do you?"_ I pulled back enough to see her eyes.

_"I just know how hard it has been for us in this last year...We went from relationships with other people straight into this marriage. You cheated...I cheated. Then there was that thing with Frankie in this very room, in this spot. I think of her now every time that I'm in here. I miss her." _

Whoa...how did we go from our marriage to her missing Frankie? My heart dropped as I looked into her eyes...she was fucking serious.

_"Is that what this is about, Brittany? Do you regret not being able to go off on that Madonna tour and getting to screw her whenever you wanted?" _I took a step back, feeling betrayed. Her eyes filled with guilt and regret as she pulled at me, trying to bring me back but I didn't want her to touch me. _"Let go of me B. I need to sit down."_ she dropped her hands and I stumbled down onto the bed and sat next to her. I crossed my legs under me and rested my hands in my lap. I didn't feel a single tear, it was like my body was filled with ice.

_"It's not about that, about her. I just think that we were too young to make this sort of life long commitment. It's a substantial risk to assume that we will be the same people in five to ten years."_

I was shell shocked...Rachel had talked to Britt about this. Those words just weren't formed from my wife. It was too wordy and too over the top of an explanation for Brittany.

She dealt in simplicity.

This reeked of the fucking hobbit! She had already had the wheels turning in Britt's head before tonight, if I was honest with myself, I had seen it coming. Before the night my life changed, before Ian took his life, Britt had started to pull away a little bit. She was in class more, she had long private talks with Rachel and she kept bringing up the summer tour. I should have known but when you're happy...denial is your best friend.

* * *

_"Did you come to Lima to ask for another fucking break?"_ I watched sideways, my heart plummeting to the bottom of my stomach as she nodded. She didn't even bother to lift up her head or even look me in the eyes. This was what she meant earlier when she said she had come to talk to me in person! So much for good timing!

_"How long have you and Rachel been talking about this?"_

_"About three weeks."_ I knew it.

_"H-Have you slept with anyone else?"_

_"No."_

_"Have you been talking to anyone else?"_

_"I talk to a lot of people."_

_"Don't play dumb...you know what I meant!"_ I said coldly.

_"No."_

_"But you want to, right?"_

_"Kind of." _She played with her fingers as she looked down at the floor. I was so angry inside that I felt like I was going to fucking explode. I wanted to kill Rachel for inserting her big nose into my marriage and Shelby for giving birth to her.

_"At least look at me when you are breaking my heart, Brittany."_ I said quietly...I felt the tears but I wouldn't let them come.

Not this time.

They could wait.

* * *

Britt shook her head and kept looking at the floor and in that moment I was sure that my heart was gone and my soul was crushed. I closed my eyes and took a deep steadying breath, no tears. I sat up straight and rubbed a hand over my non existent baby bump. _"Brittany?"_ her head popped up and her bloodshot eyes looked up at me finally.

_"You know that I need you right now. I admit it. I can't get through this funeral without you. After it's over and we are back in New York you can move into the downstairs bedroom and you can have your break, ok? This is it, though. You figure your shit out this time...I can't go through this every year, you figure it out or you leave for good."_

I couldn't believe the words that were leaving my lips but I was desperate for comfort from her. She didn't speak, she just looked at me and nodded, she didn't have a response for me and I didn't want one. She opened her arms to me and I crawled against her side and let her hold me close. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Ian holding me and that I was being comforted by him.

_"Ian..."_ I whispered out loud accidentally. My body stiffened as Britt pulled back from me. I sat up with a hand clasped over my mouth in shock.

_"Did you just call me Ian, Santana?"_ the icy edge was back in her voice.

_"No...I was just thinking about him."_

_"Of course you were, not even this moment...you couldn't give me this one moment?"_ she was actually mad...I couldn't help but laugh.

_"You can't be seriously upset. I couldn't help it."_ I said before dropping my hands in my lap again.

_"Why couldn't you help it? Is it because of the break?"_

_"No...I just miss him. I feel like a part of me died with him."_

_"You really were in love with him weren't you?"_ she spat in frustration as she gripped the edge of the bed. I knew she was trying to keep her hands to herself and for the first time in a very long time, I was scared of my own wife.

_"It's complicated, what I felt for him, it was so multi-layered. I loved him unendingly but I wasn't attracted to him."_

_"You had to be, I mean...that's how you got pregnant."_

_"It's deeper than that B. I can't explain it."_

_"Sorry that you just have to settle for me. That you can't go running back to him this time."_

_"Please stop picking a fight with me about Ian. He is dead. You have me Brittany...you've always had me."_

_"That's a lie. I have always had to share your love."_

_"What?"_

_"First with Puck, then Quinn, then Marco, then Ian...when is it my turn Santana?"_

_"You are the only one that holds my heart, B. Always and only you." _I whispered as I reached for hands. She pulled away, crossing her arms and tucking her hands under them. I pulled back and looked at her in shock. There was so much that had been said that I just couldn't think straight.

_"I can't wait."_ she muttered.

_"For what?"_ I spat feeling irritated now.

_"The tour."_

_"You know what B, me either."_

_"I can't wait to go home...to New York."_

_"Soon enough Brittany. Can we just go to bed now."_

_"Fine."_ she said as she threw her body back.

* * *

We were laying there under the covers all of five minutes when I began to feel the uncontrollable urge to scream. I couldn't believe she was being so heartless...why did she need to do this right now? My body started to shake...I wanted a hit. I wanted to use again. I needed to be numb. I wanted to not be present in the moment.

She tried to wrap her arms around me and even though her touch was all that I craved at the moment, I just pulled away.

_"You know what Brittany...let's not wait. You should go back home in the morning. I will just fly back with Isaac by myself."_ I whispered as I moved to the edge of the bed away from her.

_"No. If we are going to do this...we do it quietly. Too many people have had their hands in our marriage. I know that you will tell everyone the moment that I leave. So, no."_

_"So what are you saying, that I have to suffer through this? That I have to pretend to be happy until we get home?" _That was worse than torture.

_"I'm saying that we go back to New York together. I'm not leaving so that Gladys and your sisters can think that I'm abandoning you and Izzy." _

**_But you are._**

_"Fine, B."_

_"So come over here and let me hold you." _She said forcefully.

I scooted back into her embrace, allowing her to wrap herself around me. I lay there and silently cried myself to sleep, not caring if she heard me.

I didn't care any more, I just couldn't believe the way things were falling apart.

I guess I understood Britt's reasoning about wanting to quietly take space away from each other. My family would crucify her for doing this while I'm pregnant and grieving...so would her family.

So, even with her crushing my spirit, I would suck it up.

I would take it for what it was. A stupid fucking break.

* * *

**A/N: Man...this killed me! Review...please? Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6:Wanting Out

**Chapter 6: Wanting Out (Michelle Branch)**

* * *

**_I would take it for what it was. A stupid fucking break._**

* * *

I didn't wait very long for Britt to fall asleep before I crawled out of bed again. I couldn't ignore the way that my heart was hammering in my chest. I wasn't going to deal with this like she wanted me to. I wasn't going to just sit back and let her walk all over me again.

Enough is enough.

I quickly got dressed and then grabbed my purse. I needed to get out and breathe. I looked back at her and saw that she had rolled over and was clutching a pillow tightly to her chest. I wondered if it was me or someone else that she imagined herself holding. I decided that I really didn't want to know.

It was still dark out, I had only been in bed for about a half hour. I walked down to the first floor and cracked open the door to the guest room. I heard light snoring coming from the bed and smiled. Quinn swore she didn't snore...lies! I flicked on the light and then walked over to her and nudged her side. Even drunk she was a light sleeper, so I wasn't surprised when her head popped right up.

_"Get up and be quick."_ I said to her before pulling at her arm.

_"What the fuck? Where are we going?"_ she slurred.

_"Don't worry about it. Just get the fuck up, we don't have much time."_ I whispered.

She must have seen the desperation on my face because she was up on her feet in about two seconds. She staggered a bit but then quickly straightened her body.

_"Just give me a sec."_ she muttered before going into the bathroom. I followed her and watched her stick her fingers down her throat with ease. She silently vomited a few times before flushing the toilet and standing back up. _"Who knew that would come in handy, huh?"_ she smirked at me before going over to the sink and drinking about six handfuls of water before rinsing her mouth with mouthwash. _"Okay. I'm ready."_ she said as she finger combed her hair.

I handed over her purse as we left the guest room and headed out to the driveway. I climbed into Papi's car and started it up. Quinn buckled up and then reached over and buckled me in.

_"You are such a mom."_ I muttered as I back up onto the road.

_"Well you need one and Gladys is out of practice."_ she said honestly. I knew she still had some of that liquid courage in her because a completely sober Quinn would never had said something like that. I didn't mind though. It was no secret that my parents were essentially absent from my life after I turned about ten.

_"Point taken." _

* * *

I zoomed down the Lima streets and onto the highway within minutes. Quinn was sitting there gazing out the window and humming along with the radio. I left her to her thoughts as I drove. I would wait for her to be more sober when I let her know what her ex-girlfriend man-hands had done to my marriage.

After a day like we had, I knew that we both needed to get away. I had contemplated leaving Quinn behind because I needed to cry in peace and I knew just the place but I knew that more than I needed to cry, I needed my wing-man. I began driving southbound knowing that everyone would expect me to go north towards my old hideaway in the woods.

Since it was so late (or early) the roads were so deserted I was able to make the half hour drive in under twenty minutes. Quinn was looking around curiously but didn't ask any questions as we pulled onto a long driveway. I hit the remote on my keys for the garage door and pulled inside. I didn't need anyone tracking the car down. I definitely didn't want to be found.

I grabbed my stuff, including the lock box, climbed out of the car and walked out of the garage towards the cabin. I paused as I stood on the front pathway and just stared at the old house. Quinn stood next to me and slipped her hand into mine.

_"So this is it? How long has it been?"_ Quinn whispered against my ear as she leaned into me. I looked into her eyes and saw that the sight before her brought tears to her eyes too.

_"A long, long time. Since that night."_

It had been awhile since I had been here, for sure, probably over ten years. I couldn't believe that I even remembered how to find the place. I had only mentioned it to Quinn once, so I was a bit surprised that she even remembered it at all. I could tell that Marco hadn't been here for awhile, either. After another moment of gazing at it, I finally mustered up the courage, partially because Quinn was gripping my hand so hard, and walked up to the front door.

This house out in St. Mary's was all that I had asked for in the divorce, I felt like I had earned it. I had shed blood and tears there and didn't want Marco to have it. I didn't think I would ever actually visit it, frankly I had planned to burn it to the ground but as I stood there feeling like I had no place to run that was out of Britt's reach, I was glad that I hadn't given into my impulses for once.

It was solitary lake cabin that sat beautifully on the water. I hadn't told anyone about it and knew that this was a perfect place to escape for the morning. It was almost four thirty and the sun was set to rise in about an hour or so. The sky had a light blue color but with all the fog surrounding the place you wouldn't be able to tell.

* * *

The inside of the house looked like it hadn't been touched in longer than ten years. There was dark brown blood stain on one of the couch cushions, seeing it brought me back to when I was fourteen. That night had definitely defined me as a person. I stood there and looked at it, stuck in a trance. Quinn let go of my hand and quickly flipped the cushion over before sitting down and looking up at me. I snapped my eyes up to her and felt my face scrunch up.

Yes, sometimes, Quinn Fabray can be a bit disturbing.

_"So, tell me why you brought me to the scene of your rape? To the place that you lost your innocence?"_

I could tell that she had reached her sobriety since she was now looking at me clear eyed. I smiled softly and shifted on my feet, before crossing my arms over my chest, trying to comfort myself.

_"I needed to get away. No one will look for me here."_

_"Did something happen?"_ there was concern in her voice now.

_"Yes."_

_"With B?"_

_"Enough with the questions for now. Can we just sit for a bit...do you mind?"  
_

_"Um...okay."_

* * *

I sighed as I grabbed the lock box and a huge blanket from the couch. It smelled musty but it would have to do. I unlatched the sliding doors in the kitchen and walked out onto the back porch. The fog out there was thicker and concealed every thing including the water which I knew to be only about six feet in front of the porch. There was a huge wicker loveseat out there with a coffee table in front of it.

Perfect.

I put the lock box down on the table and then climbed onto the loveseat and began to arrange the blanket around myself. Even though it was the last week of August, it was already feeling like October in the crisp early morning air.

Quinn climbed in next to me and snuggled against my shoulder and pulled the blanket up, so that it tucked under to her chin. I let her have most of the seat and left my feet up on the table. I was sure that she would fall asleep if she stayed in her position but I didn't really care at that point. It was really just her company I craved not her conversation.

My heart was aching so badly and I felt so trapped in my circumstances that I was beginning to feel hopeless. Maybe it would be better to just walk away from my marriage and try to salvage my friendship with B.

I was running out of options. I just wanted to be happy and above all else, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted nothing more than that for the both of us, I was willing to accept that what we used to have was just a high school thing. Maybe the adults that we were becoming just didn't fit together.

Maybe Britt had just figured it out first and wanted out.

I didn't know if I had enough fight left in me to stop her from walking away from me.

* * *

_"How did you know that something happened with me and B?"_ I asked Q after we were both situated and I had pulled the lock box onto my lap.

_"It wasn't really hard to figure out San. You aren't as closed up as you like to think. I can read you like a book sometimes...especially when your heart is broken. So tell me what happened."_ she mumbled as she snuggled in as close to me as possible. I felt like I was preparing to tell her a bedtime story.

_"Do you remember our conversation last night...about not tying yourself down?"_

_"Yea...surprisingly. Then again, it was really only a few hours ago."_

_"Well Britt heard the whole thing."_ I said mumbled as I began to run my hands over the lock box.

_"Wow...so the she heard the whole regret thing?"_

_"Yup. She wouldn't let me tell her that I had been referring to Marco. She ended up talking about how much she missed Frankie. So we are on another break but she wants to keep it hush hush."_

_"Of course she does but it just seems ridiculous for her to be even doing this right now! Why is she acting like this? She can't just take breaks when they suit her. That's not how marriage works."_

_"I said the same thing."_

_"But you're still going to allow it to happen? Right under your nose?"_

_"No."_ I said as I reached over and pulled my phone out of my purse. _"Not this time."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"That she has to move out of the bedroom when we get back to New York...the break will start when we get back. I told her that she is going to have to take the guest room on the first floor. I refuse to share a bed with her."_

_"Oh boy...this is going to be interesting when we get back. Are you sure about this, San?"_

_"What other choice do I have? I mean it's not like I can go out and pick up anyone while I'm pregnant. It's not like I even want to, honestly. I don't want to screw around. I just want her."_

_"Don't you think it's strange that she and Rachel had the same idea?"_

_"Oh no...I blame this partially on the hobbit. For three weeks she has been in Britt's ear about how she needed space from you and Britt started thinking about our marriage as a consequence."_

_"Are you serious? Why would Rachel do that?"_

_"I don't know but I'm pissed about it."_

_"I'm sorry, San."_

_"I don't want your pity. It is what it is."_

_"So the break starts when we touch down in New York but when does it end?"_

_"No idea but there is something I need to do while I still can."_

_"What are you going to do?"_

_"This."_

I had been scrolling through my phone and finally found what I was looking for. Quinn sat up and looked between me and my phone. I put the phone on my lap and put it on speaker.

_"Hello?"_

_"Francis?"_

_"Who's this?"_

_"Santana Lopez."_

_"Um...hey Santana. What's up?"_

_"Do you have a minute to talk to me for a second?"_

_"Sure...um...hold on a sec."_ Quinn looked at me with wide eyes as we listened to some shuffling and then heavy breathing before Frankie came back on the line. _"Okay. What's up?"_ she sounded chipper not at all nervous. It gave me a little hope.

_"Have you talked to Britt by any chance?"_

_"She called me today...before then no. I am a bit shocked to hear from both of you in one day."_

_"Did you actually talk to her?"_

_"Yea. She had just come out of a meeting with our old tour director. She was calling to let me know that she signed on for another tour."_

_"Today?"_

_"Yea. Look...I really don't want to get in between you guys again. I just listened to her tell me about it, wished her luck and then hung up with her."_

_"Well, sorry to break it to you but you are in this, whether you like it or not. She asked me for a break today. Talked about how she missed you."_

_"That's too bad for her. Look, if she calls, I'll keep telling her how I'm done if you want. I'm in a new relationship. I'm happy and I really don't want to get sucked back into stuff with Brittany."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"Good luck with everything Santana. Call me if she gets anymore crazy ideas."_

_"Oh I will."_

_"Alright. Sorry about this."_

I ended the call and then put the phone down on the coffee table. Quinn sat there staring at the phone for a long while before turning wide eyes towards me.

_"Do you believe her?"_

_"I'm not sure."_

_"This is all just so crazy...where is our sweet Britt Britt?"_

_"I wish I knew...look...I-I don't want to think about it anymore Q...so let's just not talk about Britt for awhile."_

_"If your sure..."_

_"Ok...let's open this box up shall we?"_ I said ignoring her.

* * *

I opened the box and began to take things out from it. The first thing on top was a black leather journal. It was well used and worn even though I knew for a fact that it was only a couple of months old.

_"That looks like the journal I gave you for Christmas."_

_"That's because it's identical to the one you got me. I got this one for Ian for his birthday back in April."_

I held the journal in my hands and began to thumb through it. He had filled up every single page and had written on the inside of the cover. I let my tears flow freely as I looked down at his spiked handwriting. He was my lefty twin and the slant of his writing mirrored mine.

It was just too crazy how well Ian and I fit together. If only he was a girl or I was straight. I knew that this was what Britt was referring to when she told me how in love with him I was. If only she knew how much I tried to be in love with him but couldn't. I loved her...when she wasn't being an ass and lying to me.

_"Wow, it looks full."_

_"Because it is...cover to cover. I haven't even filled mine completely."_

_"He obviously had a lot more to say."_

_"Obviously."_

As I thumbed through it a piece of paper fell out into my lap.

_"What's that?"_ Quinn asked, peering over my shoulder. I quickly grabbed it and unfolded it.

_"It looks like an unfinished letter to Isaac...wow."_ I covered my mouth as the tears began to pour down my face. I handed it to Quinn and she began to read it out loud.

* * *

_"Dear Son, June 14, 2012_

_Someday you will wonder what torment drove me to put a bullet through my own heart. Your mothers are not to blame. Love them always...your Mami was my first and only love...be a good boy and a stand up man. Love with your whole heart and be open and honest...you have more than I ever did and so I hope knowing that brings you peac-"_

* * *

The letter abruptly ended as Ian was writing the word peace as if he had been stopped, mid-thought. Quinn let out a gasp and then held the letter towards me and pointed at the top of the page.

_"Oh my God, San look at the date."_ she shrieked.

_"Graduation Day...I can't believe that it was on his mind all that time. Months...Q. Before we even left Lima."_

_"Do you think that maybe he attempted it that night."_

_"Maybe...all I know is I talked to him everyday after that and never would I have thought that he was thinking like this. I mean obviously at some point he changed his mind...what could have gotten him to change it back especially a week before he was set to move closer to me and Isaac?"_

_"Beats me. Have you opened your letter yet?"_

_"No. I keep finding reasons to put it off."_

_"Maybe there is some sort of answer between the journal and his letter to you."_

_"I sure hope so Q. I just want to know why...I want to know if there was anyway that I could have saved him."_

_"I think he was beyond our help. Wasn't he on medication already?"_

_"Yea anti-depressants. He took them faithfully."_

_"Maybe he missed a day?"_

_"Nah...I don't think that's it. There is something bigger at play here, I'm sure of it and I'm almost certain it has something to do with his Mom and I think she knows it too."_

_"Maybe that's why she was relieved?"  
_

_"So many questions and not enough answers. I feel like we're going in circles."  
_

_"You're right. It's just I don't trust that woman. You should have seen her when I walked into the house with Britt and the baby last night. She looked ravenous. It freaked me out a bit and then I couldn't help but cringe when you willingly handed Isaac over to her. Everyone else saw it too."_

_"When I talked to B about her after dinner she said something along the same lines, she doesn't want her around Isaac at all. I still don't believe that she should be kept from her own grandson but I'm proceeding with caution when it comes to her, no doubt it. "_

_"I would too. I mean Ian signed over his rights to Izzy over to Britt but what about the new baby? Can she swoop in on you and try to take the baby?"_

_"Shit I didn't think of that! She could petition for custody. I have to go see Sal!"_ I suddenly felt frantic, quickly grabbing the arm rest so that I could stand to my feet. I was in the mindset to drive back to Lima until I felt a cool hand on my arm pulling me back.

_"Santana! Sweetie you have to calm down. She isn't going to try it while you are still pregnant. There is time, it's not even five...Sal isn't even in the office yet."_

I looked at her and nodded. She was right. I sat back down and tried to relax but my mind was zooming at a million miles per minute. I would kill her with my bare hands if she tried something like that.

_"Does the journal say anything, worth knowing?"_ Quinn loved a good mystery and this was as good as any.

_"Um, Let's see."_ I began to read aloud from the first entry and couldn't help but blush immediately.

* * *

**_4.22.12_**

**_Mami bought me this journal. I can't believe that fate deemed for me to still be apart of her life. I've had a crush on her forever. She is just as screwed up as me and I think it makes her even more attractive. _**

**_Brittany called me today and asked me not to sign my rights over just yet. She told me how she was worried about Santana and was scared she would die before the adoption went through. Brittany also wants to get an injunction against her so she can't see our son. She asked for my help but I refused. For someone who says they love their wife it seems that she has so little faith in her. _**

**_If she was my wife I would do whatever it took to help her get clean but I would build her up at the same time. I wouldn't tear her down. I'm trying my hardest to put up a brave face even though I know that Brittany is still cheating on her. I caught her making out with another Cheerio just the week before the baby was born. _**

**_She isn't good enough for S like everyone thinks. I will protect her though, just like I protect Tori. Mom's home from mass...I have to go make sure that she doesn't touch Tori...There she goes already calling her. Happy 18th Birthday to me. Wish me luck!-Ian  
_**

* * *

We sat there in silence just staring out at the water after I finished reading the journal entry.

_"How long do you think she's been cheating?"_

_"I don't know...what I do know though, is that we got married that week...she slept with Frankie on our wedding day...it had to have been going on for quite awhile."_ I felt numb. I didn't want to believe that Britt was capable of being so deceptive.

_"Do you think he's lying?"_

_"What purpose would that serve? I mean what would he get out of that? Even if he knew that I would read this...it just doesn't seem premeditated."_

_"Just trying to give B the benefit of the doubt."_

_"Its clear as day Q...Britt is just not happy with me."_

_"But she is miserable without you."_

_"Well, she can't have it both ways. It would really hurt but if we need to separate then we will. Enough is enough. I mean it."_

* * *

Quinn looked at me in shock. I shrugged my shoulders as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Thinking the words and saying the words were two different things. Hearing the words sounded foreign to my ears. I couldn't believe that I was actually considering leaving Britt for good.

_"Don't be too hasty San. Give it time. Give her space. Don't throw up those walls."_

_"Can I tell you that the only thing keeping me from snorting my troubles away is this baby and Isaac? Do you really think I care about anything else? I love her but I can't sit around and let her break my heart. I'm living for my kids right now. I'm sober for my kids."_

_"That's scary San. You won't be pregnant forever."_

_"I know. I'm trying so hard to hold it together Q. It's just so difficult...maybe marriage was just a bad idea. We should have waited. I should have gone with my gut back then."_

_"I don't like your line of thought."_

_"Well I can't be more serious right now. She keeps fucking around with my emotions...and she keeps fucking lying to me! I mean she signed papers for the next tour. What tour?"_ my body felt hot. I wanted to punch something but instead I kept my fists in my lap.

Quinn took the box from me and continued to search through it. I heard rustling and then the sound of metal against metal.

_"Hey, look at this!"_ I looked over and she pulled out the most beautiful rosary I have ever seen. She had effectively distracted me from my anger for the moment.

_"Wow! Hand that here." _I had an unhealthy obsession with rosaries as a kid. At one point just before my miscarriage I owned about fifteen of them.

There was a piece if paper attached to it that fell onto Quinn's lap as she handed the silver and green rosary to me. She picked up the note and quietly skimmed it.

_"What's the note say?"_ I asked as I ran the rosary between my fingers.

_"Ian, for your wedding day, for your wife, for the mother of your children. May it bless her and your family like it blessed me and Mimzy, Love Da."_ she read aloud before handing the note to me.

It looked like it had been folded and refolded a hundred times. The words were a little smeared and the paper was crinkled in some places where tears had dried.

_"His Da is his grandfather. He raised Ian after his dad died and then after his Da fell I'll with cancer Ian had to move in with his mom. He was thirteen when he moved to Lima from Chicago. His mom had never wanted him...said he was a mistake. He told me he never even met his mom face to face, until then."_

_"Wow, what a bitch...so his Da must have given that to him before he died. Wow. I think that you should wear it, San."_

_"You think so, it wouldn't be too disrespectful? I mean this would be the final straw for Britt."_

_"Look, it was meant for Ian's wife, the mother of his children and as far as Ian goes...you are the mother of his children and if he had it his way you probably would have been his wife. Just tell Britt that Ian left it to you. She doesn't even need to know the significance behind it."_

_"Are you actually telling me to be deceitful?"_

_"No. I think Britt is being pretty fucked up right now and if that rosary helps you to remember the pure love that Ian had for you and brings you just an ounce of peace then you should wear it."_

I kissed the cool metal and then brought the beads between my fingers, silently reciting the holy wounds rosary.

I hadn't prayed the rosary in years, but as I moved my hands in prayer over the beads, it came back to me just like second nature.

Quinn remained quiet, no doubt saying a prayer of her own, right beside me. I opened my eyes and looked over the water as I finished praying. The sun had risen and had cut through the fog. It was a beautiful view. I felt the soothing breeze and the calm in my heart and knew that God had heard me. I placed the rosary over my head and tucked it under my shirt allowing the cool metal to graze my skin for the first time.

Nothing had ever felt so right.

We continued to search through the box and I found another rosary from Ian's first communion and decided that I would save it for Isaac. After that there wasn't much else except a sealed note card for Ingrid a.k.a Tori, I would make sure to slip it to her at the viewing the next night.

I packed the box back up and then we headed out back to Lima. Before we left, I locked the house up and then stood out on the front porch and allowed my heart to let go of the hurt that this place had brought me. The peace that filled me in that moment had opened my eyes to so many things.

It was the first time in days, when I genuinely felt like everything was going to be okay.

* * *

I could feel the rosary grazing my stomach as I drove and it almost felt like Ian was sitting right next to me instead of Quinn. Despite my new found peace, I couldn't ignore the negative thoughts.

I kept thinking about Britt kissing someone else. Which Cheerio had it been? Then I thought about her finding someone on tour in October, would it be a man or woman...I didn't know if my marriage could survive in such a fragile state.

We had both done so much damage but I had pushed past it all, when I looked at B I saw only her and forgot the rest. I knew that when she looked at me she would always think of Ian, I had his children. Her affairs had come and gone but Ian was forever a part of me. How could I think that she would be able to look past that?

I hadn't been fair to her. I saw that now.

* * *

When I got onto the highway I started to feel woozy. It wasn't long before I knew that I was swerving. Quinn grabbed at the wheel and straightened us out.

_"Pull over, San."_ she yelled at me. I felt so sick as I pulled off onto the gravel. The pain was back in full force. I rested my head on the steering wheel. My head was aching and my stomach was hurting me. It felt like the first time all over again.

_"No...please. Baby stay with Mami please!"_ I was sobbing as I felt the warm liquid on my seat. I was afraid to look down so I I kept my eyes clenched tight and tried to push through the pain.

_"San, honey, what's wrong? Talk to me. Is it the baby?"_ Q asked me as she pushed me back against the seat so that I was leaning against the headrest..

My head lulled to the side. I looked at her and whispered softly, _"I need a hospital, Q."_ I finally looked down at my lap and Quinn followed my line of sight and a her hand quickly covered her mouth.

_"Oh my god! No! Not again, Oh God."_ she was crying as she began to maneuver me to the passenger seat. I tried to fight the lightheaded fuzziness that I felt but everything went dark as then I passed out.

I woke up strapped in the passenger seat and then passed out again. I was in and out a few times before I surrendered completely to darkness.

* * *

I felt lips pressing against mine as I regained consciousness, I opened my eyes when the lips were pulled away. My vision was blurry at first and then I blinked a few time before I recognized Britt stood above me with tears soaking her cheeks.

_"Ana! I'm so happy that you're awake."_

_"Hey B."_ I quickly put my hands on my stomach and then looked up at her again.

_"The baby is fine. Thank goodness!"_

I felt tears sliding down the sides of my face. Britt was brushing my hair back and looking down at me adoringly like the day that I had Isaac. She was looking at me like she used to back before our world fell apart. I shifted and felt a sharp pain in my back and groaned.

_"Oh...try not to move too much Santana."_ I heard a familiar voice

_"Doc?"_ I whispered into the room.

_"Yes...it is I!"_ he said in his best booming genie voice. I couldn't help the smile that graced my face as I looked to my right and there stood Dr. Jindahl. He adjusted my bed so that I could see the rest of the room instead of just the ceiling.

_"Tell me something good, doc."_ I blushed when I felt Britt slide her hand into mine. I allowed it and even held onto it firmly.

_"You weren't far from here when you passed out so we were able to stop the bleeding and had to do some surgery to repair a tear in your cervix quickly and successfully. So your baby is safe and so are you."_

_"What happened?"_

_"That tear in your cervix probably happened during rough intercourse."_ he looked up at Brittany and then back at me. _"Your blood pressure was high when you were admitted, so my guess is that the heightened pressure caused the scar tissue to rupture. You could have bled out but thankfully...you had Ms. Fabray with you. She saved your life."_

_"Where is she?"  
_

_"In a room, sleeping. Poor girl was so tired after carrying you into the ER."  
_

_"Wow."  
_

_"Yeah...it was pretty exciting. You know us poor country folks never get anything as exciting happening, when you are off in New York, Santana."  
_

_"Gee...thanks."_

_"On a serious note though. You lost a lot of blood...too much."_

_"Is that why I feel so weak?"_

_"You had to get a blood transfusion."_

_"Am I going to be okay?"_

"Well it looks like you may need to be put bed rest, again."

_"Ugh...again?"_

_"You really damaged your body with the drugs Santana. It is going to take time for your body to recover, fully."_

_"And I bet you didn't eat today?" _Britt whispered.

_"No. Not yet"_

_"I see. Anything to drink?" _Dr. Jindahl asked.

_"No."_

_"That explains the dehydration yet again. I'm keeping you over night for observation."_ he looked back up at Britt. _"Why don't you order her meals. Just circle the choices. Ok?"_

I watched my wife as she looked me up and down before adjusting my blanket and fluffing up my pillows. She had red rimmed eyes and was still in her pajamas. She looked like she literally jumped out of the bed and came to the hospital. In fact I was sure of it. When I looked down and saw that she was wearing my moccassins._  
_

Wow. I guess she does still love me._  
_

* * *

Britt smiled at me and then picked up the menu. I felt insanely tired as so many thoughts were whipping through my head. I laid still as the doctor checked my vitals before leaving the room. He seemed relieved that I had regained consciousness. I think I actually scared him this time.

I was alone with B for the first time since she decided to take a break and I was feeling a little nervous. I didn't know how I was supposed to act so I just let her take over.

_"Ham and Cheese or Chicken sandwich?"_

_"Chicken."_

_"Cranberry or Apple juice?"_

_"Apple."_

_"Pudding or Jello?"_

_"Pudding."_

_"Okay now we do breakfast."_

_"Oatmeal with fruit or eggs?"_

_"Oatmeal."_

_"Apple or Orange Juice?"_

_"Apple Juice."_

_"Okay lunch."_

_"I don't plan to be here that long."_

_"We'll order just in case."_

_"Ugh ok."_

_"Mashed potatoes with chicken or Grilled cheese with tomato soup?"_

_"Grilled cheese."_

_"Fruit or Jello."_

_"Never jello B...never, I hate the stuff. You should know that by now!"_ I snapped. She looked at me nervously and then nodded and circled my choice.

_"Sorry...fruit it is."_ she said nervously.

_"Apple Juice or Lemonade?"_

_"Really, B? Apple Juice!"_

_"Okay...um...we are done with this then. I'm just going to call Q and then turn this in. You should try and nap."_

_"I'm not tired, I just woke up."_

_"Yea well you are a total cranky pants right now...so maybe a nap would do you some good."_

_"Don't act like you suddenly care about me, Britt."_ I scoffed.

_"What? Of course I care about you."_ Her face crinkled up and she looked genuinely hurt.

_"I'm sick of your lies, Brittany!"_ I didn't know why I was being so hostile toward her...well actually I do but I didn't plan to get so angry about it.

_"What lies?"_ she sighed as she leaned on my bed, holding my hand between both of hers.

_"Just go B."_ I said finally. I pulled my hand away from hers and clenched my eyes shut.

_"No! What lies?"_

_"Forget about it." _I still didn't look at her.

_"No, you can't just say shit like that and then take it back."_

_"I'm just hurt right now. After tomorrow we return to New York and it has me anxious." _

_"Let's not think about that right now."_ she said suddenly deflated.

_"How can I not?" _My eyes snapped up to hers.

_"Because it's not important, not right now."_

_"Of course it's important, right now! The state of our marriage is insanely important to me all the time!"_ I was screeching now and Britt was looking down at me in stunned silence._"Say something damnit!"_

_"You need to calm down...please? You're scaring me."_

_"Get out Brittany! It makes me sick to even look at you!"_ I covered my face with shaky hands as I cried into them.

_"I don't understand...what did I do? What did I say?"_

_"GET OUT!"_ I screamed at the top of my lungs. Britt jumped back but still didn't leave. I rolled from my back and tried to climb from the bed. The pain was intense and then I felt myself falling.

* * *

_"Ana!"_ Britt flew forward and caught me just as I was about to hit the floor. The door flew open and Damariz walked in, how did I forget she was in town?

_"What the heck is going on in here?"_ she yelled as Britt was putting me back on the bed.

_"She won't leave, Mari...I...tried to make her and I fell."_

_"I'm leaving."_ Britt whispered as she grabbed her purse, she looked down at me with sad eyes before walking towards the door. Mari came and sat down in the chair by my bed and just observed us. My heart heart as I was watching my wife leave looking so defeated, it made me suddenly feel guilty.

Just as Britt reached the door but without turning her back she mumbled, _"I'm sorry I hurt you...I just need this..."_

_"Fuck you, Brittany!" I said coldly.  
_

_"Sorry."_

* * *

The silence that filled the room after the door closed behind Britt, didn't last very long. Mari adjusted my bed so I was sitting up fully and then she cocked an eyebrow at me.

_"Are you two breaking up?"_

_"No."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"No. Can we not talk about it please?"_

_"It's important but I won't ask. How are you feeling?"_

_"Tired."_

_"I talked to your doctor...you have been way too stressed out...I can see that it has something to do with Brittany. I understand that but even still, all that yelling you just did couldn't gave helped one bit."_

_"I know, I didn't mean to snap. My hormones are raging. Everything is just so overwhelming right now."_

_"You just need to take things one step at a time, Santana. You just lost Ian, you're pregnant, and Isaac is still not at 100%. so if you are having issues in your marriage now is not the time to make them worse."_

_"You're right. I will try and calm down. Thanks Mari." _

The lunch that B ordered for me came a short while later and my sister literally waited for me to eat every bite before she left.

I felt over stuffed and ended up falling right to sleep. With all the stuff on my mind, I was happy to a dreamless existence for awhile. I would worry about my marriage later...apparently it wasn't important right now so I just had to accept that and use the time to take better care of myself for once.

* * *

**A/N: Have faith. That's all I can say and if you don't know how to do that go read my first author's note and the summary of this story. This is a story of survival. I write what I know. Life isn't a rainbow of sunshine but it doesn't completely suck either.**

**Thing are about to pick up after the funeral. So enjoy this silence. You're going to miss it later. **

**Review. Review. Review.**

**Thanks**

**A**


	7. Chapter 7:Why?

**Chapter 7: Why? (Rascal Flatts)**

* * *

**_I would worry about my marriage later...apparently it wasn't important right now so I just had to accept that and use the time to take better care of myself for once._**

* * *

_"TT?"_ I was half asleep and couldn't figure out if I was still dreaming or not. _"Santana? TT? Wake up."_ Now I was being shaken.

Okay, yeah, maybe not the best thing to do to someone who had just lost so much blood.

Although my head was pounding something terrible, I forced my eyes open. Just as I suspected, Noah was standing over me trying to make me wake up for some reason.

_"NoNo?"_ I whispered into the dark room. Only the light behind my bed was on. Noah was dressed in all black and had shaved off his mohawk. He looked at me and smiled softly. I loved this side of him.

_"Good, I'm glad you're finally awake. It took like fifteen minutes...if you weren't hooked up to that heart monitor, I would have thought you were dead."_ he winced at his own words and then gripped my hand.

_"What are you doing here? What's wrong?"_

_"I need you to get up and come with me."_

_"You realize where we are right? I can't just get up and leave whenever I feel like it."_

_"I already talked to your doctor. He is going to let you leave for a few hours I just have to bring you back before midnight like you're cinderella or something."_

_"Well I am a princess."_ I smiled.

_"Whatever."_ he rolled his eyes and then looked at me with a serious glint in his eyes.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Ian's viewing. It got moved to tonight. It's just family and close friends. His mom is letting me sing but I need your magic fingers."_ he said as he played with my hand.

_"Oh, Noah...I haven't played piano in years."_

_"But you know how. I need you there...I need you to sing with me."_

_"I don't think I can do that."_

_"Please? Do this with me?"_

_"I don't have anything to wear."_

_"No worries, baby mama has you covered."_

_"Who?"_

_"Wow...I save your life and you can't even bother to remember who I am?"_ I heard Quinn's voice come from the doorway. I looked up and saw that she was wearing a black baby doll dress and had a black hat to go with it. She looked funeral chic. If there's such a thing. She came fully into the room holding a garment bag.

_"I have a baby mama too, you know." _I said mockingly.

_"But I'm the original!" _she said as she came to stand on the other side of me.

_"If you say so."_

_"So, Dr. J is going to be in here soon to get you unhooked from the machines and then I am going to help you shower and get dressed. I didn't bring your makeup because its going to get ruined. There is no way you are going to walk away tonight without crying...no one will...except maybe that witch Mrs. Perkins." _she rolled her eyes and then pushed my hair back from my face._ "How are you feeling, San?"_

_"Better than this morning but not the best that I can be." _I said as I pushed myself into a sitting position. My back was achy and my stomach was numb. I looked down at it and saw that in the two days that I had been in Lima, I had started showing. I had a little pouch now and it made me smile._ "I am just happy knowing that this little nugget hung in there while Mami was out of it." _I said as I rubbed my little baby bump.

I dressed silently in the bathroom while Quinn stood close by just in case I got dizzy. She had picked out a long flowing black dress, that she thought would look gorgeous on me. I had brought clothes but she said that I should have something new so she had gone shopping. The dress hugged my body around my stomach so if you looked you could definitely see the baby bump that I was newly sporting. I sat patiently as she pressed my hair so that it hung in loose curls around my face and even allowed her put lotion on my arms and legs for me.

_"Thank you for everything Quinn. I really don't know what I would have done without you today."_ I said as she slid my ballet flats onto my feet. She looked up at me with tired but bright eyes and just nodded.

_"I will always be here for you Santana."_ she said as she stood in front of me, adjusting my hair clip before stepping back to look at me. _"Perfect."_

_"I love you Q."_

_"I love you too. Now lets get going...we are already late."_ she said as she rolled her eyes and held out her hand.

* * *

Ian's viewing/memorial service was held behind St. Peter's, in their reception room. It was small and intimate, just perfect. When I walked in holding hands with Noah with my arm looped through Quinn's I immediately felt nauseous. The smell of the strong perfumes and colognes made me feel like I was going to throw up at any moment but I just swallowed it down and allowed my two best friends to lead me to the front row of chairs.

Ian's Uncle Thomas looked insanely normal for being such a creep. His black hair was tousled about his head like Ian's blonde hair always was. It was gross. He looked at me as if I was some sort of walking disease but I quickly looked away. We walked to the end of the row and sat in the last three chairs. I was surprised to see Brittany sitting there already with a sleeping Isaac cradled in her arms. Quinn and Puck had left me the seat just beside her and I looked at them with disgust. This was not in my plan. Britt was not who I wanted to depend on anymore. I smiled at Britt and then sat down beside her. I leaned away from her and into Q. She leaned into me and pretended that she was smoothing out my hair.

_"Play nice. It took a lot for her to come here. She's trying. You want this to work...then don't give her such a hard time."_ she whispered really low. I nodded my head and then looked back towards Britt. She had been watching the whole exchange between me and Q silently. Her blue eyes met my brown and she smiled...like genuinely...I finally leaned closer to her and rested my head on her shoulder.

_"Thank you for coming B."_ I said before looking up at her again.

_"I promised to be here for you."_ she said before biting her bottom lip.

_"Well thanks."_

The service got underway a little bit after that. It was mainly a reading of Ian's eulogy and the presentation of his soul before God. We did a responsive reading with his Uncle Thomas. I sat white knuckled, gripping the edge of the chair the whole entire time. I wanted to jump up and strangle him. We were halfway through when I was hit with a wave of nausea that rocked me.

_"Ana...you look like you're going to throw up. Lets go to the bathroom."_ Britt said as she leaned close to my ear. I didn't say anything, I just nodded. She moved quickly as she handed Isaac to Quinn before helping me to stand. I didn't even try to fight the urge to lean into her body as we made a swift exit from the room.

I knelt over the toilet seat and emptied my stomach before sitting on the cold tile floor. Britt stood by the wall texting on her phone. I looked up at her and then something in me broke. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed. We were at such a fucked up place and God only knows how we would be able to fix it.

_"Can you get Quinn, please?"_ I croaked out in frustration.

_"What? Why?"_ she said in a shrill voice as she placed her phone down on the counter top. She filled up a paper cup with water and then came and knelt down beside me. _"You don't want me here do you?"_

_"Not when you're fucking texting, no. I want you here holding my hair. I want you rubbing my fucking back. I want the girl that I fell in love with and she isn't here right now!"_ I yelled, thankful that I wasn't crying anymore.

_"I was talking to your mom."_

_"I don't care! She can wait!" _

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Stop saying that Britt. Please for the love of God...don't say that to me anymore!"_ I buried my head in my hands and tried to take deep breaths. When had Britt become so frustrating to me?

* * *

_"Okay. What do you need?"_ she said as she pushed the little cup of water into my hands. I looked up at her and then took the cup. She looked so torn. She didn't want to be wrapped up in me and my drama any longer.

_"I need you to leave already. I just don't want to see you anymore."_

_"I'm here for you Santana."_ I flinched but then looked at her and nodded. _"You told me that you needed me here. So here I am. You are my wife. It scares me...I just don't know how to love you like you need me to. I keep comparing myself to what you have with Quinn and what you had with Ian and even to what you have with Puck...I can't compete. Its just too hard. I'm tired...everyday is like a war."_

_"Are you turning my words on me? My words to Abuela?"_

_"I just want you to understand. The same way it was a war for you to ignore your feelings for me...it is like a war for me right now to try and compete with these other people in your life. I feel like you don't need me like you say that you do."_

_"How long have you felt this way?"_

_"Since the day that I stepped off that bus from cheer camp and you went running into Marco's arms."_

I sat there looking up at her in shock. That was almost exactly a year ago. Why did she hold it in for so long? Why was she doing this right now?

I nodded and then pushed myself up off the floor. I staggered a little but then caught myself against the wall. She had her arms out ready to grab me but didn't actually touch me.

_"I can't do this right now. It's not important right now."_

When I hit her with the words she had used on me earlier she definitely didn't like it. She looked hurt as she stood there staring back at me.

I sniffed and then walked over to the sink. I spared her a few glances through the mirror but I didn't say a word to her after that. I rinsed out my mouth a few times and ran a paper towel over my face. I needed to regain my composure. I tossed out the paper towel and made my way over to the door. Britt beat me there and held the door open for me. She was so fucking confusing. I looked at her and nodded my thanks before heading to the front row and sitting down beside Quinn. She looked at me with questioning eyes but I just shook my head and held my arms out for my son who was still asleep.

* * *

Once Isaac was in my arms, I felt my nerves immediately calm down. As I sat there and listened to almost every family member of Ian's go up to the front and speak I fought tears. I was emotionally spent by the time that Puck stood up and came over to me.

_"Ready?"_

I kissed Isaac's face a few times and then handed him to Britt. I didn't want her to have one more reason to think I chose Quinn over her. After I was sure she had a good grip on him, I brushed invisible lint from my lap and took Noah's proffered hand.

_"You have the music?"_

I asked as he walked me over to the piano that sat about three feet away from Ian's casket, which I had been avoiding looking at. I didn't want to remember him like that. I sat down on the piano bench and rolled back the lid. I had boycotted piano after Papi broke my hand when I was thirteen. I hadn't played since.

Noah though had heard stories for years from Quinn about how much of a child prodigy I had been. I looked over to Britt and saw the shock in her eyes. Yet another thing she didn't know about me. Such a simple thing. I swallowed the guilt and the words that she had just said to me and spread out the music sheets on the stand.

_"Ready?"_ Noah asked as he stood next to the piano with his black guitar. I nodded as I looked down and rested my fingers lightly on the keys. I began to play and even though the notes were simple...they were so hard to play.

_"You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light..."_ Noah sang out. I looked up at the music sheets and began to put my heart into every note. I hummed along as I played.

_"Oh why, that's why I keep asking, was there anything, I could have said or done?"_ I finally sang out before I felt my voice break. Noah looked over at me and sang my next line.

_"Oh I, had no clue you were masking, a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong. And why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song." _He sang the line with so much sadness in his voice that it shook me to the core.

I played on as he continued to sing out the lines. I jumped in when I felt like I could get out the line without crying but it was harder than I thought. There was a part that I was waiting for more than anything. I continued to play, waiting for it. Noah and I didn't break eye contact as the part came up. He knew that I was going to sing it and from the look on his face I knew that he was going to sing it too.

_"Oh why? There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain?"_ I sang out.

_"Oh, but I do have one burning question, Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?"_ Noah sang out. He began to pick up the tempo on his guitar as I clenched my fists in my lap and sang out the last few lines. It took everything in me not to look at Ian's mom while I sang them. I closed my eyes and sang through my tears.

_"They were wrong! They lied! and now you're gone and we cried!"_ I choked out before taking a deep breath. I leaned over the keys and played the last few notes as I finished off the song. _"Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song. Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song."_

* * *

When the music stopped, I was able to hear the crying throughout the room. I sat there feeling numb staring at the casket as the tears leaked down my cheeks. I didn't stop looking even as Noah led me back to my seat. I looked down at my son and saw his big blue eyes staring back up at me. I leaned down and took him into my arms.

I held him to my chest as the cries wracked my body. I felt several pairs of hands touching my back and two pairs of arms wrapped around me as I cried.

They were all offering their condolences but I couldn't hear them. Isaac began to whine a little bit and I just kept kissing his head and rocking him. Everything pretty much ended after the song and now alll of the attention was centered around me.

Most of Ian's family and friends had never seen his son. They had never met me and now they all wanted to get a glimpse of the spectacle of my tears and I didn't care.

Nothing mattered to me right then more than my two babies. I pulled the rosary from under my dress top and let Isaac wrap his little fist around the beads. I held onto it too as I closed my eyes and began praying harder than I had ever prayed before.

* * *

I woke up mid-morning on my side with my hands cradling my stomach. I felt more rested than I had in weeks and I had to admit that it felt great. Something about releasing all those tears the night before had emptied some of the heavy emotion that had been sitting inside of me.

What was also refreshing was being able to wake up without anyone in my face. I pushed myself up from my bed and waddled to the bathroom. My whole abdomen was no longer numb and was now on fire so I knew that I had to take it slow. I held onto my little stomach as I finally made it to the toilet and wasn't surprised to see that I was still bleeding a little bit. I was supposed to be checked out in awhile so I didn't stress it.

By the time I made it back to my bed a whole hour had passed by. I had taken the time to brush out my hair and brush my teeth. I knew that the peace and solitude wouldn't last long so I was really enjoying it. I climbed back on my bed and found that my breakfast had been replaced by lunch so I must have slept half the day away.

Half the day went by and I didn't have any visitors...that just seemed odd but with all the recent drama I wasn't complaining. Maybe after my extensive crying the night before they had decided to let me have the morning to myself.

I ate my lunch and played angry birds. My soul felt at peace as I made it through my meal.

About two hours passed by like this with me just lounging around with no visitors. It began to bother me a little bit because not even my doctor had stopped by.

I felt insanely better and on my two trips to the bathroom, I noticed that I had stopped bleeding completely. I was supposed to be discharged soon and was hoping that I could head out while it was still daylight.

I paged the nurse and then waited patiently for someone to come. A few minutes had gone by and then the door creaked open, I plastered a smile on my face and tried to swallow any residual anger that might have still been lingering, which surprisingly was very little. I was so relaxed after a day to myself that it was easy to let go any bitterness.

Dr. Jindahl walked in with Quinn. They were both smiling and joking around with each other. Even they seemed at ease. I found myself hoping that the rest of the day continued that way. I was so happy to see them. Quinn held a duffel bag over her shoulder that she put at the end of my bed before sitting down and crossing her hands in her lap. She was smiling at me but now that she was up close to me, I could see that she was hiding something. Doc on the other hand started checking my vitals and the machines and was chattering away to whoever would listen.

My eyes locked with Quinn's and sure enough, she looked like she was forcing the bubbly smile on her face but I could see that her mask was slipping in front of me the longer that I looked at her. I finally looked away from her and over at my cheerful doctor who was still fiddling with the machines. He turned around and looked at me with a big smile on his face.

_"So doc...how are things?"_

_"You are very much improved, Santana. Your blood pressure is stable, you are properly hydrated and the baby is doing just fine."_

_"That's great, does that mean that I can go?"_

_"I have your discharge papers waiting for you at the nurses station. I want you to start taking better care of yourself young lady. Eat three meals a day, drink at least a gallon of water a day, and try to sleep more and yell less. Got it?"_

_"Yes, doc. What about the bed rest?"_

_"I want you to follow up with Dr. Cabot when you get back to the city. She is expecting you tomorrow evening in her office. In the meantime don't go running marathons or anything and stay away from intercourse for at least another week. I know it's a hard concept but you need to relax. I want you to enjoy this pregnancy...ok?"_

_"Ok. Thank you so much doc!"_

_"No problem! Call me if you have any pain between now and your flight. Any bleeding you get to the ER immediately. Understand?"_

_"Yes sir."_

He leaned over and hugged me. He had really come through for me and I was so grateful for Papi. It was like I had my own personal doctor. Nothing better than that. He ruffled my hair and then winked at Q before he left the room. I looked over at my friend and noticed that her mask had fallen. She looked insanely exhausted. Her usually amazing eyes looked strained and she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

_"What's going on Q?"_

_"It was a long night after I dropped you off. Why don't you go ahead and get dressed, then I will tell you on the way to the house."_

_"Is it bad?"_

_"Depends on how you look at it...just get dressed. We need to get to packing before the funeral tonight. Our flight leaves early tomorrow morning."_

She looked like she was barely holding it together so I didn't even bother putting up a fight. I trusted Quinn's judgment and if that's the way she wanted to deal with whatever it was then I would comply.

* * *

We sat in Q's old bug and headed to my mother's house. She was silent for awhile and kept clearing her throat. I didn't let it get to me today, she was definitely on edge. I wasn't used to Q being so antsy, the fact that she was having an internal struggle about how to talk to me, made me nervous. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

_"Just talk to me Q."_

_"Britt left."_

_"What do you mean, she left?"_

_"She's in California...she um...changed tours. That's what Frankie was referring to on the phone."_

_"David Guetta?"_ I asked, knowing that Frankie was in California and that she was on that tour.

_"Yea, how did you know?"_

_"That's Frankie's tour."_ I said calmly.

I should have expected her to leave after our conversation the night before. I wasn't surprised that she did it before I got back to the house either. Britt could never deal with confrontation.

_"Shit. She never said that."_ Quinn looked pale now. Clammy wasn't a good look for her at all.

_"When did she leave?"_

_"She was gone when I woke up this morning. She texted me from the airport."_

_"Where is Isaac?"_

_"Gladys has him."_

_"Is she planning on coming to the funeral tonight?"_

_"No. She said that she couldn't bear it. That after your dad's funeral she vowed to never bury anyone else."_

_"I can't blame her. What else is bothering you? You still seem on edge."_

_"Rachel has been all over Facebook. She is already making out with other people. It's been two days."_

_"It's her loss Q."_

_"Yea, I know, it just hurts. I mean she fought so hard to keep Finn...why not me?"_

_"That's because she's selfish just like B. Did she even stop by and check on me after my breakdown yesterday?"_

_"I doubt it. She went back to the house last night and slept on the couch, didn't speak a word to anyone, including Gladys. You know how she felt about that. So I spent the night taking care of Isaac, who is not doing to well by the way. He had a bad night last night. I think he has a cold. Maybe it was too soon for the plane ride. Too much exposure to foreign particles."_

_"You already sound like a doctor."_

_"Whatever."_

_"Is it really bad?"_

_"Yea...it has the potential to be. After tomorrow...no more planes."_

_"I said that I didn't want him on one in the first place. Thank you for taking care of him. That means the world to me Q."_

_"Don't mention it, that's what best friends and godmothers are supposed to do."_

* * *

St. Michael Catholic Church in Lima Heights wasn't new to me, although I lived in a different parish, I had taken my first communion there. It was mi Abuela's church. Which is partially why I was so thrown off when I saw her at St. Peter's. Mami says that she started going to our church because she got into an argument with one of the nuns at her own church and apparently tried to punch her. I obviously come by my temper honestly.

Quinn and I had been surprised that the funeral had been allowed in the church to begin with, since it was a suicide. That was one of those great big sins that just wasn't tolerated in the church but then again this church was much more open than the one me and Mami went to, St. Peter's had been generous enough just when they allowed the viewing to be held on their premises, so I wasn't surprised that they had stopped it there and had not allowed the actual funeral to be held in their sanctuary.

Even though St. Michael's was in a pretty tough neighborhood, it was one of the most beautiful church structures that I had ever seen. A peace filled me as I stepped inside for the first time since my confirmation. I had so many memories and they brought a smile to my face and I'm sure a light to my eyes.

It felt like coming home.

* * *

No matter what nonsense I get into out in the world the moment I step into any church all of that just melts away. As I dipped my fingers into the holy water I was immediately reminded of my childhood and how this was always my favorite ritual. Even as a child I thrived on rituals and this one brought me hope that even I could be cleansed of my growing mountain of sins.

As we had been walking down the aisle, I kept my eyes forward even though I heard the whispers as I walked. This was the public funeral and since Lima Heights was so small, everyone tended to know each other so a funeral was a community event...no matter who it was.

I walked in with Q directly beside me and headed straight to the front and sat behind Ian's mother and sister. When Mrs. Perkins saw me she pushed Ingrid over and waved me up. I looked over at Quinn and she just shrugged and urged me to go sit up there with Mrs. Perkins. When I stood, I saw Noah coming up the aisle and I waved him towards Quinn. He nodded and we switched places.

From the front pew I could see Ian's face more perfectly than the night before. I had been able to escape without having to see him up close but now I could see every single detail. His face looked pale and his dirty blonde hair was slicked back...he would have hated it. He had always preferred that tousled, bed head look. I'm sure his mother took a sick pleasure in sending him off with a hair style like that. It was so unlike him.

I immediately recognized the suit that he wore as the one I had bought for him to wear at prom. He had told me that he wasn't going to go but I insisted that he did and then he broke down and told me he had nothing to wear...it took me a week to convince him to let me buy him that suit and even then he had insisted I buy a cheap one. I had let him choose one and then got it tailored to fit him properly. It looked so nice on him and now seeing him in it again gave me chills.

It was crazy that he would be buried in it.

* * *

I glanced back at Quinn who had her head bent and her hands in her purse but I could still see her furiously texting someone as she leaned against Noah's shoulder. He smiled at me and then quickly rubbed at his eyes. He was already crying. I was about to say something to Quinn but then I felt my phone buzzing in my jacket pocket. At moments like this when I was next to people like Mrs. Perkins, I was thankful for the privacy screen on my iPhone.

**_I have the card for Tori in my purse. Do you want to give it to her?-Q_**

I didn't bother to text back I just looked back at her and nodded. She winked and then she folded her hands on top of her purse before turning towards Puck and engaging him in conversation. She was becoming a master of distraction lately. I appreciated it beyond measure.

As the service got underway, I sat stiffly and looked at Ian's still form. I kept remembering him at his best and it made my eyes burn. I had been so distracted that I flinched when Tori leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered to me.

_"You look beautiful, Santana. Like always."_

_"You do too Tor. I hope that you have been dealing with this alright."_

_"I'm ok. Are you ok? Are you sick?"_

_"Y-Yea...I'm ok...why do you ask?"_

_"You are wearing a hospital bracelet."_ she said as she fingered the plastic bracelet that I had forgotten to take off.

_"Oh."_

How had I forgotten to take that off? I mean I had gone home, showered, ate, played with Isaac. Never in all that time did I even notice it. I didn't get a chance to respond to her because the priest, Father Newman, had stepped to the front and Mrs. Perkins shot us both a look.

She didn't scare me but I didn't want to be the cause of her doing anything to Tori. I mouthed an apology and she nodded curtly at me. I looked at Tori and wrapped my hand in hers. She scooted closer to me and I wrapped an arm around her. My hand brushed someone and I looked up to apologize.

That's when I saw who was sitting on the other side of her. Uncle Thomas.

I jerked my hand against Tori as he smirked at me. My head snapped forward as I tried to ignore his presence but no matter how much I tried to ignore him, I could feel him leering at me.

Creeper.

* * *

The service was very subdued, especially without people like me and Noah singing.

Father Newman talked endlessly about the church needing to pray for Ian's soul. I agreed but the way he said it angered me, his tone was laced with judgment and animosity as he openly talked about Ian's child out of wedlock and then he went on to talk about Ian's many transgressions.

My body was vibrating with so much negative emotion. I wanted to snap but I bit back the words that wanted to spill from my mouth. I was so angry as I sat next to Mrs. Perkins, who kept nodding in agreement, she made my anger feel alive and electric. I couldn't wait until this was all over.

I tightened my arm around Tori as she sobbed silently into my side every time the priest said something painful about her big brother. I was fighting tears myself but I couldn't let them fall especially because they weren't from sadness.

I felt homicidal and there was nothing that I could do about it.

* * *

I breathed a sigh of relief when Father Newman called up Mrs. Perkins and he stepped to the side with his tirade. She smiled down at me making sure she caught my eyes before walking up to the lectern.

I waited for her back to be turned before turning back to Quinn and holding my hand out for the note. I turned quickly back around and put it into my purse. I could still feel that asshole leering at me so I would just have to wait for a more opportune time.

I had been hoping in vain that Mrs. Perkins would provide a break from all of Father Newman's vitriol but she ended up just adding to it.

It took everything for me not to leave my seat as I listened to this woman call Ian a heathen who needed all of our prayers. Her brogue was thick and filled with so much hatred that it was easy to forget that she had given birth to him.

I hated her.

I know that it isn't right to hate people but I can think of no other sentiment to better describe my feelings for this woman. With every bitter word she said I was assured more and more that I would be keeping my children away from her at all costs. She stopped ranting after a few minutes and then began to lead the church in an old Irish hymn about redemption.

I looked back at Noah and he just shook his head and looked down at his hands. He was doing everything that he could to hold it together. I wanted to just lay with him and hold him like we used to when his deadbeat dad would promise him things and never follow through.

Noah acted tough but on those days when he was curled up in the fetal position, I knew that he just needed someone to hold him and tell him that it was going to be alright. I knew that he needed that right at that moment. I hoped that he was able to get that kind of comfort from Olivia.

After the hymn ended, Mrs. Perkins began to rant again and I fought the urge to groan. I leaned down and whispered against Tori's ear.

_"Is she always like this?"_ I mumbled under my breath as she led the church in a responsive reading.

_"No. This is tame."_

_"Oh God...I'm sorry to hear that."_ I whispered.

_"I'm used to it."_ she shrugged.

_"That's a shame. I have something for you from Ian...you can't let her know though."_

_"Ok. I won't, I promise."_

_"I don't know when to give it to you."_

_"She's about to pray. She won't be paying us any attention, so then."_

I nodded and looked up at her. She was glaring down at me and I bowed my head. Bitch. A few moments later we all stood as she began to pray. I leaned back over to Tori.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I'm positive."_ she whispered.

We stood side by side as a prayer began. I waited to see both Mrs. Perkins and Uncle Thomas bow their heads before I slipped the small note card into Tori's hands. She gripped it tightly in her hands for a moment and then she slipped it into her pocket.

I looked over at her uncle and then up at Mrs. Perkins to see if they saw but they still had their eyes closed and their heads bowed. Her mother had been so into the prayer that I felt confident in Tori's judgement.

I just hoped that it didn't backfire.

* * *

_"Santana Lopez."_

Father Newman called out to me. My head snapped up and I looked around feeling a little disoriented. I had been so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't realize that Ian's mom was back by my side. How long had I been thinking about other things? What was expected of me? I felt embarrassed as I looked up and saw Father Newman beckoning me up to the lectern.

I stood up on shaky legs feeling nervous and unsure of myself. What was I supposed to say?

I looked back at Mrs. Perkins and saw her glaring at me. She knew that I hadn't been paying attention. I felt my heart clench but then looked down at Ian's still form as I passed by his body and suddenly felt the brush of cool metal against my skin and I immediately felt my back straighten. I knew what I needed to do.

I stood up next to the same priest that had talked about my bastard son. The same priest who had given me my confirmation name.

Maria.

He knew who I was more than I'm sure he would have like to have let on. I wanted to kick him in the balls but then I felt his heavy hand on my shoulder and I was ten again.

_"Welcome home."_ he whispered in my ear before pushing me forward.

I stepped up to the podium and could see that the church was packed. Every single pew was full and there were even people standing. I looked to the back and could see some of his teammates from the football team hold up their helmets. I nodded to them and felt like I was back at graduation. There were dozens of familiar faces from the my graduating class. I saw almost every jock from the school, they were all sitting there looking at me with tears in their eyes.

My eyes finally rested on Coaches Beiste and Sue both looking up at me solemnly. I knew that they were depending on me to stand up for the father of my children. They knew me...they all knew me...there was no way that I was going down without a fight.

I took a deep cleansing breath and took a moment to look down at Ian again. I thought instantly of the first time that he held Isaac and how his face lit up like Christmas.

That was the Ian that I wanted these people to remember.

* * *

_"I come before you today not to extrapolate on the many transgressions of one of God's blessed but tormented children, instead I come here to send off a decent man. I cannot begin to cast the first stone at Ian for what he was driven to. What I can say is that I loved him unconditionally in life and in death. He leaves behind a son who he adored from the moment that he first laid eyes on him. He leaves behind an unborn child that I nearly lost yesterday. I am eternally grateful for the gifts that he gave me and to most of you, he was generous and open with his time, his presence and his amazing sense of humor. I will miss the man that stood and held my hand when our son Isaac had a collapsed lung. He held my hand and prayed with me when no one else would. He hurt deeply the day he took his own life...his heart could not take anymore injustice from those who wronged him and you know who your are. I pray that he has finally found peace from his sorrows. I ask the church to pray for his family, his children, for me. Papa bear...rest easy. I love you."_

* * *

My voice broke the moment I uttered the last three words as I openly wept. Within seconds, I felt a hand on my back and I leaned into it feeling as if I could no longer stand on my own, I wasn't quite sure that I could, frankly.

I was led down from the pulpit and out of the sanctuary with a person on either side of me and it wasn't until I felt the warm night breeze hit my body that I looked over to see Q and Noah with tears in their eyes.

_"We need to go, TT. His mom asked me to take you home."_ Noah said as he leaned into me.

_"No."_ I muttered, trying to turn back towards the church.

_"San you proved your point...keep your dignity. Let's go home."_ Quinn said soothingly.

_"His burial...I need to be there."_ I whispered...feeling lost and confused.

_"No TT. She doesn't want you there. She didn't fight the viewing or the service. Let her have this."_ NoNo's voice was strained as he pressed against my lower back again.

I nodded and leaned into him. I clung to his shirt as I sobbed against him. He held me tight as I let out everything that had been building up in me since the moment that they had began to tear Ian down even in death.

The church bells began tolled loudly, shaking me back into reality. Noah stood there looking down at me and then leaned in and kissed my forehead.

_"Quinn's going to take you home. Call me later and maybe we can watch movies or something."_ he whispered into my ear so that only I could hear him. I knew that him asking to watch movies was code for needing to be held. I nodded and then stepped away from him.

_"I love you NoNo."_

_"I love you too. TT...so much!"_ he said as he slipped his sunglasses on and began to walk towards his truck. I saw his shoulders shaking as he walked away and felt a piece of myself break.

Quinn stood there with her hand out. I looked at it for a moment but then smiled and gripped it in mine and let her lead me to the car.

The words from the song we sung the night before drifted to the front of my mind.

**_There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain._**

His mom and uncle had beat the joy from his soul...his beautiful soul and I knew that they would pay for it. My soul hurt but I knew that I had redeemed him in some way.

Ian had always deserved better than he got...even from me.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you liked this chapter. It was really hard to write. I couldn't bear to reread it and edit it so forgive the mistakes. I'll get back to it eventually. The song in this chapter is also the chapter song. It is a beautiful song...so if you listen to no other one I post...listen to that one. I dare you not to feel something! **

**A**


	8. Chapter 8:That's What You Get

**Chapter 8: That's What You Get (Paramore)**

* * *

**_Ian had always deserved better than he got...even from me._**

* * *

The moment we pulled onto the road my phone rang.

_"TT?"_

_"Hey babe...are you okay?"_

_"Can I just meet you guys at your house? I really don't want to be alone right now."_

_"Of course."_

_"Gladys won't mind?"_

_"Of course not! Mami will probably find some chore for you to do. She never passes up male assistance. You know that!"_

_"Yea. Well I'm already sitting in the driveway so I guess I'll go in and get started on whatever she needs."_

_"Okay. See you soon."_

I ended the call and then rested against the seat. Quinn hadn't really said anything to me after leading me to the car. She seemed to be deep in thought, but what was new?

_"You okay Q?"_

_"Um...yeah."_

_"What is it?"_

_"I don't think now is the appropriate time."_

_"Does it have to do with Ian?"_

_"No."_

_"Britt or Rachel?"_

_"No and no."_

_"Then tell me. I could really use a break from everything else!"_

_"It's about your sister."_

_"Which one? I have four."_

_"Celia."_

_"Okay. What about her?"_

_"Do you think she'd be interested in me?" _she whispered so low that I had to lean in to hear her.

_"Uh...like romantically?" _I was dumbstruck. Quinn shot me a look and then looked back at the road. Her whole face was flushed pink.

_"Yea."_

_"Um...yea...I don't see why not. She's single. You're single...you're both gay. I don't see why you can't be gay for each other...right?" _I stuttered out. Talk about changing the subject! I was so not expecting that. Were you? I didn't think so!

_"Last night after putting Izzy to bed for the sixth time...I had stumbled into the kitchen to get coffee or something. She was sitting there crying. We ended up talking some. She kept me company through Izzy's breathing treatment and then we kind of fell asleep in your bed."_

_"What?"_

_"It was on top of the covers, fully clothed."_

_"I think you should go for it Q."_

_"You think? I mean it's been like three days."_

_"So what."_

_"And she lives in Chicago."_

_"And Texas but she spends most of her time in New York with Sandra."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah. Her galleries are in Texas and Chicago...random I know...but she isn't really tied down or anything."_

_"Okay...that's not so bad."_

_"If she is interested in you then she will make time. I mean that's how she ended up in Chicago. She was down at Texas A&M and followed her college girlfriend there. So I don't see why you two couldn't work out the New York thing."_

_"Okay."_

_"But before we get ahead of ourselves...why don't you talk to her first."_

_"Okay." _I watched as she gripped the steering wheel tightly and gulped down air. She was nervous. It was entirely amusing and just what I needed! God I love her!

* * *

When we walked into my mothers house I saw that Noah was cutting the grass. It was only seven and it would be dark soon so he was totally focused. He didnt' even seem to notice me walk right by him. I was glad that Mami was distracting him. He was taking this pretty hard. When we entered the house, Quinn went off to find my sister, who was probably painting by the pool and I headed straight for the kitchen knowing that I would find Mami in there as usual.

I felt the smile take over my face when I saw my mother and my son together. Something tugged my heartstrings seeing that she was so attentive with him. She sat reading a book (as usual) while Isaac sat in his bouncy chair shaking a maraca. She was looking up at him every few seconds, as I just stood there watching before walking completely into the room.

_"It's creepy when you stare Santana."_ Mami said as she wiped drool off Isaac's chin.

I chuckled to myself and walked over to her. She looked up at me and brushed my hair out of my face.

_"Noah told me what happened."_

_"Yea."_

_"I'm proud of you, mija."_

I smiled and then leaned in and kissed her cheek.

_"Bendicion." _

_"Dios te bendiga."_

After our customary greeting I climbed onto the barstool that was next to her that was directly in front Isaac and called his name. The moment that my son heard my voice his baby blue eyes sparkled and he reached his arms out.

_"Look how spoiled you have him already. Not good."_ Mami said as she turned a page in her book.

_"Better to spoil him than to ignore him."_ I muttered. She snapped her face towards me and gave me a long gaze. I had hit a nerve and I didn't mean to.

_"I'm sorry Mami, I didn't mean it like that."_ I said as I played with Isaac's feet. He was still reaching for me.

_"No...I'm sorry. I should have been here for you more. I regret that. I'm here now though and if you need me to come to New York...I'll be there too. I promise."_

_"I'd like that."_

_"Mmm. Have you talked to Brittany?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you plan to?"_

_"I'm not calling her. She can call me. She left...not me."_

_"What happened to you girls?"_

_"Life happened."_

_"Bendito."_

* * *

_"So do you think I'm strong enough to hold him, yet?"_ I asked Mami as I watched him reaching for me still except now he was beginning to whine.

_"Yes and I would do it soon. You know what his crying does to him when his lungs are acting up." _

I unstrapped my adorable mini me and picked him up. He made the cutest gurgle laugh thing and then stared at me in awe. It always made me feel so important when he looked at me that way.

His eyes would get big and he would stare at me as if I am the most amazing thing in the world. Who could be depressed around this kid? Maybe if I had stayed and kept him near Ian...I can't start down that track...I just can't!

I showered his little face in kisses. I had missed him so much. It had been almost a full two days since I had last seen him and I had been feeling like a piece of me was missing.

When we had gotten back from the hospital and I saw him for the first time, it was hard to leave him but I knew that I had to. I had wanted to take him with me but Dr. Quinn medicine woman suggested that I not take him into that atmosphere. I agreed but still gave her shit about it. Picking with her just takes the edge off sometimes.

* * *

I laid in the guest room after dinner sandwiched between Celia, Quinn and Puck as we watched Liar Liar. I love Jim Carey. When I had my miscarriage, I had ended up spending a whole weekend at Quinn's house recouping with ice cream and Jim Carey. So it was no surprise to her when Quinn asked what I wanted to watch.

_"Santana?"_ Mami poked her head in the room and looked at me for a moment before actually speaking. I poked my head up from between my two big comfy pillow friends and looked at her.

_"Can I talk to you for a second?"_ I nodded and climbed out the bed. Quinn went to pause the movie but I just shook my head.

_"Is everything okay?"_ I asked Mami as I stepped out into the hallway. She nodded and then put her hands on my shoulders. She was looking in my eyes as if she was trying to see something.

_"Mami...you're scaring me. What's wrong?"_ I had given Isaac to her to put to sleep, because she wanted to spend the last few hours that he was here with him close to her.

_"You have a visitor."_ she said cryptically.

_"Its not um...Mrs. Perkins is it?"_ My heart sank. I really didn't want to deal with that old bat anymore than I had to.

_"No. She's up in your room."_

_"Um...okay."_

I hadn't been expecting company especially at almost ten at night, add to that, the fact that Mami was being weird. Like seriously strange, she even followed me up the stairs and to my bedroom door. When I went to open it she stilled my hand and grasped my chin until my eyes were lined up with hers.

_"No matter what happens, Santana...I love you. I know you are hurting right now...your marriage has gone to shit and your health leaves something to be desired but regardless of it all, I love you. Okay?"_

_"Okay, Mami, thanks?" _I looked at her with a cocked eyebrow and she just stared in my eyes another moment before pulling me in for a hug. I patted her back awkwardly and then stepped back.

_"Are you headed to bed?"_

_"Yes. Make sure you set your alarm. I want to be out of here at six."_

_"Okay. Night Mami."_

I watched Mami as she went across the hall and shut the door. She had me anxious. My hand was sweaty as it gripped the door knob. There were few people that got under her skin and made her act so strangely. I just couldn't imagine who it could be.

* * *

A million faces went through my head as I pushed the door open but none of them had looked like her. My heart squeezed so tight that I thought I was having a heart attack. I stood there looking at her with so many emotions flooding my body that I couldn't even formulate a greeting. This was definitely not what I expected.

When my mom went back to work I was four. I was too young to stay home alone so I spent a lot of time in Lima Heights with mi Abuela. She wasn't very nice to me and called me all sorts of names...it's what made me tough. She had never really approved of my mother marrying my father for a million reasons. He was her professor. He was divorced. He had four children. I mean you name it she probably accused him of it and she never spared my feelings when she ranted either.

Abuela and Mami had been at odds for years because my mom supported my Tio Gene being gay. Abuela took a lot of that anger out on me and even attempted to sell me when I was pestering her too much. At some point I gained her respect and we formed a bond that was special and unique. I was her angel...she loved me even though I was the spawn of an adulterer. Her words not mine.

When I was seven I begged my parents to let me take my first communion classes. Of course with my mother being a lawyer and my father being a doctor...they just didn't have the time. So I turned to Abuela and she immediately said yes. She delighted in my enjoyment of church and began to foster a deep sense of pride in me. She taught me to be God fearing and hard. She is the reason that I was able to deal with Sue Sylvester. A big part of who I am comes from her. She was like a mother to me. So it was no surprise that I began to prefer her house to my own home.

In my very first communion class I met Ariana, she was tough, witty and incredibly pretty. Her family had just moved from the Dominican Republic and she already spoke English flawlessly. She had olive skin, almond hazel eyes and a smile that could light up a town. I was secretly obsessed with her but did everything that I could to keep that to myself and with practice I hid it well.

We became fast friends and were inseparable, she was my first best friend and my first crush. We stayed friends all the way until I took confirmation at twelve. Unfortunately for us, after my confirmation my Abuela convinced my parents that I showing signs if gayness and that I was now old enough to be home alone. So my weekend and evening visits to Lima Heights abruptly ended and I was forbidden from seeing Ariana.

It's no coincidence that soon after that Marco was thrust back into my life and I got pregnant. I tried to keep in touch with Ariana but Abuela had covered her bases and told her parents too. So even when I called, I was hung up on. My parents allowed her to come to my quincenera but she only came to the church service, with her parents flanking her. She looked sad and heartbroken. I had waved and she had smiled. I hadn't seen her since.

Until now.

* * *

_"Hey Anita, I'm sorry to bother you-"_ she said as she looked at me from my window seat. I snapped my eyes to her and then shook my head.

_"You aren't bothering me."_

_"You're sure?"_

_"Want to go into the Magick Treehouse?"_ I asked gesturing out the window towards the big oak tree. I couldn't help the laugh that left my lips as I watched Ari's face lit up as she stood to her feet. I let her climb out of the window first and then I followed closely behind her.

This was probably the last time that I would be able to do this while pregnant. It suddenly hit me that I would love to bring Isaac up here someday. Maybe during summers once he and the baby were old enough. Maybe I would even move back to Lima someday...crazy right?

I watched Ari closely as she pushed open the door to the treehouse and went straight to the little lamp that hadn't moved since the last time that she had been up here. It was like she had just been there...I hadn't changed a thing.

The treehouse smelled like cherries and smoke. As I got older it had gone from a place to play to a place to get high and hide away. So much had happened in my life since I had last seen Ari. I couldn't help the excitement that vibrated through me as I stood there and watched her move around.

She finally just sat against the far wall, cross legged with her hands in her lap. I set up the pillows along the floor and then sat down against them. We sat down across from each other for the first time in almost seven years and it didn't even feel awkward, it felt right.

* * *

_"So tell me how have you been Ari?"_

_"I'm great. I'm about to move to New York on Friday. I'm going to NYU. I had been wondering about you a lot lately and then tonight I went to that funeral with my friends from the neighborhood. I didn't know Ian but my friends did. They know that I'm leaving Lima and that I'm probably not coming back so they asked me to tag along. When Father Newman called out your name, I couldn't believe it and then you walked up there...I just don't know, everything just stopped. My attention was suddenly on you and nothing else mattered. What you said up there was so poignant and just so...right! So Santana! It was hot. I knew then, that you hadn't changed so much, you were still every bit a rebel as you have always been. I just had to see you."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah...sorry if that was a little forward, but you know me. I always go for what I want."_

_"Well you may have just come at the right time for me."  
_

_"Wow...seriously? That's crazy." _She said, suddenly looking flushed.

I chuckled as I rested my head against the wall and just looked at her. Her lips still had that pout to them and a crease just in the center of her bottom lip. I used to fantasize about kissing her just there. I shook myself from my thoughts and smiled really big.

_"Everything on some level is crazy. Like the fact that while you always get what you want...I always just take it...whenever I want it."_

_"Are you flirting with me Anita?"_

_"Do you want me to be?"_

_"Um..."_

_"So tell me, Arita,"_ I rolled her nickname around my mouth and winked at her, _"What did you come here to get exactly?"_ I cocked an eyebrow and looked sideways at her...waiting for her to realize that I was severely fucking with her.

_"My best friend back."_

_"I never left."  
_

_"Hmmm...I guess not."  
_

_"I missed you."  
_

_"I missed you too. Like crazy!" _she said as she scooted closer to me._ "Shame its too late for us, huh?"  
_

_"What do you mean? We can be best friends again. We're adults now."  
_

_"Yeah but I'm off to New York."  
_

_"I'm only in Lima for the funeral...I live in New York."_

_"Nah...really? Are you still fucking with me?"_

_"No... I'm serious. It's me, my best friend and my uh...w-wife."_

* * *

I watched Ari's face go pale, drop into a grimace and then she flush red as she tried to hide her reaction but she had always sucked at it. I smiled and then winked at her again. We had always casually flirted but from what I knew, she was straight just like she probably assumed I was until a few seconds ago.

_"Wow I've missed a lot. So you are married to a woman? Not Ian."_

_"Yea...he and I just made babies together. I am definitely married to a woman. Her name is Brittany. She's a dancer."_

_"Like me."_

_"Yes...I have always had a thing for dancers."_

_"So you've always had a thing for me?"_

_"I guess I have. That's what Abuela had seen all those years ago. I was falling for you and she put a stop to it the best way she could."  
_

_"It didn't stop me from falling for you. I mean when I saw you at church on your quincenera mass...I still got all nervous and sweaty...kind of like now."  
_

_"And just like then...you can't have me."  
_

_"Yeah. I know..."  
_

_"Sorry."  
_

_"It's no big deal. I didn't come here to molest you or anything."  
_

_"Could have fooled me."  
_

_"So...the babies? How did that happen?" _she abruptly changed the subject and averted her eyes._  
_

_"Oh yeah...that's an insanely long story."_

* * *

I spent the next twenty minutes updating her on the crazy year that I had just had and she listened intently. She was very cautious with her actions as she rubbed my knee in comfort as I sat there replaying the bad times. I felt so broken inside as I sat against the wall with my hands in my lap and I told her how Britt and I were taking a break from each other.

_"Wow, Anita, that's a lot to deal with."_

_"Yeah but what can I do but suck it up."_

_"Just don't continue to suck it up you deserve better than that."_

_"Now you sound like Ian."_

_"You know what it's good to see that you still have that bad ass courage from when we were kids...it took some serious balls to go up in front of that church and basically tell off the Priest and Ian's mother"_

_"Yeah well...she totally didn't understand him and abused him. I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't allow her to spend another moment cutting him down."_

_"She was a bit extreme with the way she was acting. I'm surprised that you didn't deck her."  
_

_"Oh I wanted to...but that would have been pointless. Plus I'm really high risk in this pregnancy. I mean I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. I didn't want to start anything that would have put this little nugget in jeopardy." _I rubbed my little baby bump and looked up at Ari. She was watching me and squinting._  
_

_"What are you thinking? You have that constipated look...which means you have to take a shit or you want to ask me something...please don't shit on my floor." _I smirked when her ears turned bright red._  
_

_"Um...so can we see each other more in the city?"_

_"I would really like that. I've missed you."_

_"I missed you too."_

_"So what are you studying?"_

_"What else? Dance."_

_"Wow...that's a tough program."_

_"Yeah well...what can I say, I'm all sorts of awesome!"_ she smirked and it floored me. I had seen her dance as kids and even back then she was an indomitable force. I will never admit this out loud but Ari could probably out dance my wife by leaps and bounds. Literally.

After I walked Ari out to her car and we exchanged phone numbers, I couldn't help but smile on my face. It was the first time in days that someone other than those immediately surrounding me made me happy. It was the first time that I didn't miss Britt.

As I closed the door I could feel Quinn's presence before I saw her. I didn't even act like I was shocked or anything because I didn't care.

_"Geez...why are you such a creeper, Q?"_ I turned around abruptly and could see her leaning against the wall.

_"Wow...she was hot. Who was that?"_

_"That was Ariana...remember her?"_

_"No...you're fucking kidding, that hot chick was Ari? Wow! Britt would faint!"_

_"Stop right there, Quinnie, it's not like that!"_

_"Not yet! It's really such a shame that we have a flight first thing in the morning."_

_"That's not a problem because she starts at NYU next week."_

_"Oh boy."_

_"What?"_

_"You already don't see that as a problem."_

_"Stop it, Q."_

_"Oh...San...this is so not going to end up well."_

_"I'm not going to sleep with her."_ I said as I pushed my hair back from my face in frustration.

_"Who are you trying to convince?"_

_"Fuck you, I'm going to bed. See you in the morning. Tell Noah, I said good night."_

* * *

The flight back to the city was long and rough. I was so frustrated with Isaac and his crying. He cried like he was in severe pain and it was scaring the shit out of me. I kept rubbing his back and trying to soothe him the best that I could but nothing seemed to be working.

I was so happy when we finally touched down at La Guardia and so was he it seemed because the moment we stepped into the terminal he was fine again. I actually felt really bad when people were giving me rude looks as we headed to find our luggage. Isaac was still wheezing as he breathed against my neck. I felt the tears pooling in my eyes when a few women looked at me with pity.

We went straight from the airport to the hospital. Isaac looked a bit pale and was sweating profusely. I had Quinn check us in and was thankful when she took over and finally asked to see anyone that was available.

It took awhile but finally we ended up in the NICU, just where I didn't want to be.

He had pneumonia again.

I cried hard into my hands as I watched them stick my little baby with needles and attached wires to him. It took both Quinn and Sandra, who had shown up the moment Quinn called her, to get me to leave the room and head down to my own doctor's appointment. I had been so wrapped up in Isaac and what he needed that I didn't really give much attention to the fatigue that was rocking me.

* * *

Dr. Cabot may not have Doc's sense of humor but she was quick and efficient. She had me laying on the table and my feet up in minutes. She seemed stressed as she finally patted my legs and asked me to sit up.

_"How bad is it?"_ I asked as I looked into her face. She looked at me with stern expression as she tapped her pen against the clipboard in her lap.

_"I'm putting you on bed rest. Your stitches are strained and you are in danger of bleeding out again. You are moving way too much and you are way too skinny. So I want you to spend this week off your feet and then come in and see me on Saturday, got it?"_

_"Yes, ma'am."_

_"Any questions?"_

_"Yes...is the baby okay?"_

_"Well, other than the stitches, everything looks good. The baby is still hanging in there even though his Mami isn't taking proper care of herself."_

_"I'm trying."_

_"Try harder."_

_"I will."_

_"I talked to you doctor an Lima and I agree that you need to put on some weight, he says ten pounds and I say fifteen. So eat whatever you want while you are on bed rest. Doctor's orders. Also I think we need to up your prenatal vitamins and calcium."_

_"Okay, whatever you think is best."_

The doctors wanted to keep Isaac for a few days to rehabilitate his lungs. Apparently, we had caught the pneumonia early this time, which was a good sign. I was so angry at the world and at myself for being such an idiot. He was suffering because of me and it made me feel pitiful. I wanted so badly to stay with him but Sandra urged me to go home and get some rest.

* * *

Walking into my house without B and without Isaac made me feel dead inside. Sandra dropped me off and then went to pick up her husband from the airport. Quinn had gone off for a meet and greet at Columbia and then planned on going to see Rachel. I told her that she was stupid but she insisted that it was just to talk and that she would be home later. I sat in bed feeling lonely so I called the one person that is supposed to help with all of that but who had better things to do.

I was angry that it had come down to this...I shouldn't have been the first to call but it had been two days and I hadn't heard a peep. She knew that I had to go to that funeral and that I would be upset so I thought for sure that she would call and check on me but apparently I have too much faith in my wife.

_"Hey Ana!"_ she said all excited like, as if we were on good terms.

_"Hey B. How are things in LA?"_

_"Good, really busy. I stopped by the hospital yesterday to see you before I left but you were knocked out."_

_"Yeah? It's okay."_

_"What are you up to?"_

_"Nothing. I just wanted to check on you. I'm home now just so you know."_

_"Oh okay. Well I'm good."_

_"Great...um...I'll let you go...have a good time."_ I felt the tears choking me into submission and so I tried to rush her off the phone.

_"Whoa! Santana! Wait!"_ I heard her yell as I took the phone from my ear. I hate when she calls me that. Get it together Lopez. She is just your wife...even if she doesn't act like it.

_"Yes?"_

_"So...how is Isaac?"_

_"Um...he's in the hospital. Pneumonia again."_

_"Shit. Oh no! It's really bad?"_

_"No, its not as bad as last time but they are going to keep him for a few days."_

_"Wow. I wish I was there with him. Are you there?"_

_"I told you already, I'm home."_

_"Uh...why? Its like noon there. I'm surprised you aren't with him."_

_"It's no big deal. Don't worry. Go back to you're busy schedule. Have fun!"_ I hung up before she could respond and almost immediately got a text.

**_Y r u shutting me out?-B_**

**_Tired. Taking a nap. I'll talk to you later.-S_**

I put the phone on the nightstand and stripped down to my panties and my undershirt. I felt exhausted and sticky. So I turned on the air and then my phone buzzed again. I crawled under the covers and curled up on my side before picking the phone back up.**_  
_**

**_Ur on bed rst?-B_**

**_Q told you?-S_**

**_Yes. Y didn't u tll me?-B_**

**_Pointless. You can't do anything from there. No worries I'm fine, Isaac will be fine. Just dance.-S_**

**_Do u wnt me 2 cum hme?-B_**

**_No.-S_**

**_R U sure?-B_**

**_Yes. I'm going to bed now.-S_**

**_K. Luv u!-B_**

**_Night.-S_**

* * *

I put the phone on silent and climbed back out of the bed. I needed to clear my head so I decided that I would just take a shower. I had never been in the house completely alone and was totally freaked out by how hollow it felt. I was tired and strained as I locked the bathroom door and then attempted a quick shower.

I began to get that woozy feeling again and immediately stepped out the shower feeling like if I passed out that I should be in bed and not on any hard surfaces.

I didn't feel any pain but I immediately began to vomit as I leaned over the toilet. I hadn't even had time to kneel so it was splattering on the seat.

Great!

I was so tired as I pulled myself up and brushed my teeth. Thankfully after getting sick, my body felt semi normal and I was able to make it back to my bedroom without any problems. I pulled my huge t shirt back on and then collapsed onto the bed feeling heavy and gross still. I felt exhausted.

I woke up a little while later in a room that was filled with darkness, lit only by the street lights. I was still tired but this time, I felt like my body was made of led and I couldn't move. I was dazing off and then just before I fell asleep again, I realized that I was lying in a pool of my own vomit and sweat. The sheets were drenched.

The sight of the vomit made me nauseous but I had to get up. I had to clean it up, I couldn't just lie in my own vomit like an animal.

So I laid there trying to get my heavy limbs to work.

* * *

_"San?"_

I was filled with relief when I heard Q as she climbed up the steps. I finally managed to stumbled from the bed but when I attempted to stand up I felt sick again. I sat there on the edge of the bed, feeling the tears drip down my face. I was gripping the edge of the bed so hard that my knuckles were turning white. I felt dizzy as I tried to raise up my head and felt like maybe I just needed to lie back down. I was debating my next move as the door creaked open and when I felt her eyes on me, I immediately began sobbing.

_"San, sweetie, what happened?"_

I looked up at her and shook my head. I had no words. What was I supposed to say? She turned the light on and walked over to me and rested the back of her hand against my forehead.

_"I'm here now okay?"_ I nodded my head but kept my eyes towards the floor. _"Can you stand?"_

I shrugged my shoulders as I reached a hand out and clasped onto hers. She slowly helped me to my feet but then a pain shot up my back and my knees buckled. I hung onto her hand so that I didn't crash into the floor. I thanked God and Sue for making Quinn strong enough to hoist me back to my feet and hold me there.

_"Okay...let's stay calm...okay? We need to get you to a hospital."_ I shook my head as I cried harder against her.

_"No. I just haven't eaten. I need to eat and I'll be fine."_

_"Sweetie you're bleeding again. Let me get you to the hospital."_

_"I-I-I..."_ I dissolved into tears again.

_"Sweetie you have to calm down."_ I nodded and allowed her to help me to my feet. _"When did you last eat?"_

_"After the funeral back in Lima."_

_"San that was over 24 hours ago!"_

_"I know. I forgot."_

* * *

Quinn helped me down the stairs and then covered the backseat of my car with towels. She was doing everything that she could to maintain her composure but I could tell that she was freaking out inside. She seemed to be a little more calm than she had before because the bleeding wasn't as bad as last time but she was still being incredibly cautious. I got dizzy and I knew that I was going to pass out.

_"Q?"_ I whispered as the car started moving.

_"Yes, San?"_

_"Don't call Britt."_ I whispered and then everything went black.

* * *

I suck at being pregnant.

I am just horrible at taking care of myself.

I'm destructive and careless.

I'm a bad mother.

I'm a bad friend.

I'm a horrible wife.

I should be dead instead of Ian.

These are the things that were circulating in my mind as I was stuck in the darkness. I felt lower than I had ever felt before and despite being so sure that most of those things weren't true, I still allowed my negative thoughts to surround me. I just needed one thing.

Its what I always needed.

Not to be alone.

* * *

I expected to wake up in the hospital but crazy the thing about the city is that this kind of thing is common and therefore I wasn't admitted. They sewed me back up and then I was sent on my way and even though I was unconscious they didn't bother to wait for me to wake up. So, when I woke up, it startled me to be face to face with my older sister who looked insanely worried and kind of pissed.

_"Good you're awake!"_ she said bitterly.

_"Hey Sandra."_

_"Enough is enough. I'm putting my foot down...you are staying here until Brittany comes back home."_ It was then that I realized that I wasn't in my own bedroom but in a bedroom at my sister's house in Westchester, New York.

_"And if she doesn't come back?"_

_"That's not an option. Screw the break she will come back."_

_"Whatever San, you don't know Britt like I do, she is going to do what's best her first, before anyone else. So just take me home."_

_"Fuck that. Listen to me Santana, you are staying here. You and Isaac. I'm going to personally make sure you eat every meal, everyday and I'm going to make sure that you rest. I don't like seeing you like this. Isaac has already lost Ian don't you leave him too."_

_"Alright...okay. I'll do whatever you want. As long as you stop staring at me like that."_ she broke out in a smile and slapped my shoulder.

_"Good. Your common sense is back. Now I have someone that wants to talk to you."_

I nodded and tried to get up out of the bed but Sandra pushed my shoulders backwards until I was sitting up against the headboard.

_"Stay here!"_

I sat back and simply nodded. Sandra's anger was less humorous when I was sober and I really didn't want to piss her off.

* * *

The door opened and I heard a bunch of laughter and then Britt entered carrying a tray of food. Sandra closed the door behind her and I just sat there and looked at my wife. Feelings of anger and bitterness coursed through my veins as I looked at her coupled with a sense of joy that I hadn't felt in a while.

Damn my conflicting emotions.

I was really starting to resent her timing!

I missed her.

She was smiling at me but I couldn't bring myself to smile back.

She was the last person I wanted to see but that was becoming for us because her smile didn't fade this time, instead she walked closer to me and dropped a kiss on my head. She wasn't going to let my walls get in her way...she was going to dismantle them piece by piece whether I liked it or not.

* * *

A/N: Wow...that took way too long to get through. Thank you for the reviews and adds and faves. I appreciate every comment and critique. Tell me what you think!


	9. Chapter 9:Back Again

_**A/N: Eternally grateful for all my readers. All of your reviews make me giddy because I know what's going to happen and when you hit the nail on the head it makes me squeal. Anyway...keep reading, reviewing and just being awesome! :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Back Again (Parachute)**

* * *

**_She was the last person I wanted to see but that was becoming for us because her smile didn't fade this time, instead she walked closer to me and dropped a kiss on my head. She wasn't going to let my walls get in her way...she was going to dismantle them piece by piece whether I liked it or not._**

* * *

Britt placed the tray on the bed beside me and then leaned in to kiss me but I quickly turned my head so that her lips landed on my cheek instead. She pulled back as if she had been stung and looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I just crossed my hands over my chest and glared at her.

I wasn't falling for the sweet Britt Britt act that she was trying to put on. I could tell that she had come straight from the airport and hadn't thought to shower or anything. The hickey on her neck and the scent of someone else still lingered on her face. It took everything in me not to gag.

She walked around the bed and climbed in next to me so that the tray was between us, she picked up the tray so that it balanced on her outstretched legs and then took my hand in hers, playing with my ring finger before bringing it up to her lips and kissing my wedding band.

Ironic, doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I felt so angry and sad but I didn't think that I could ever show that part myself in front of her ever again. Not after she came back to me so blatantly disrespectful...what's worse, what I didn't even want to delve into considering is that she stopped somewhere in the city on the way up to Sandra's. The smell on her was just way too strong for a five hour flight.

My soul hurt.

* * *

I rested my newly pounding head back against the headboard and closed my eyes. She held onto my hand and periodically kept bringing it to her lips. My head hurt so badly from all the tears that I was holding in. I felt like she was torturing me.

_"What are you doing here Brittany?"_ I sighed finally tired of the kisses so I yanked my hand back into my own lap.

_"I've come back home for you." _For me. Not because she wanted to but for me.

_"Yea? For how long?"_

_"Forever."_

_"Yea right...until you need another break in a year or so."_

_"Breaks are stupid."_ she muttered.

_"What?"_

* * *

My heart began to speed up as I turned to look at her. She was looking down into her lap and was pulling the crusts off a sandwich and eating them. That comment was kind of like a big deal to me and she didn't even think twice about saying it.

_"So...let's eat?"_ she said as she handed my the crust free half of the sandwich and then smiled at me and pointed down at the plate on my lap. _"I took the crusts off...I know how you hate them."_

I picked up the sandwich and took a small bite. This had been my first meal since Lima, so I didn't want to go too quickly and make myself sick. After I swallowed, my stomach made a huge growling noise. Britt smiled and leaned in again kissing my cheek. I felt the anger boil up in me and put down my sandwich.

_"Why do you do this to me, B? You are so confusing with the back and forth. Every time you have me feeling like things are perfect you tell me that you aren't happy. Every time I get my heart to a good place you come and bulldoze right through it."_

Her ears got red and she pulled her lip between her teeth and nibbled on it. I was looking at the side of her face as she kept her eyes down on her half of the sandwich.

_"I guess that I got greedy. I was so jealous of what you had with Ian that I went chasing Frankie and you know what, she finally had enough of it too. I was selfish and I'm really sorry."_ she began to pout as she raised her watery eyes to look into my cold ones.

I was so hurt by her abandoning me that her even with her pout which normally would melt me into submission didn't even faze me. I was beyond that part of our relationship. Ari was right. I didn't deserve to be jerked around like this. I was too good for it, I knew it and I was pretty sure that Britt knew it too.

But that hadn't stopped her before.

* * *

We sat in silence after I essentially ignored her apology. I didn't believe her, I didn't trust her and she still didn't give me a reason to even begin to drop my walls again.

I finished off my half of the sandwich and still felt hungry. I looked over at her moving hands and saw that Britt was picking the crusts off the other half of another sandwich.

I tried to look away but she had seen me staring. I looked up at her and could see her smirk as she ripped off the last piece of crust. She finally looked up at me and tried to lean in again for a kiss but I shook my head and leaned away from her. I could still smell it on her face.

I knew that she was trying to fix things in her own way but I needed more than that, I needed to know she was actually serious and so far showing up smelling like sex wasn't a good start. I watched how she pulled her lip between her teeth before handing the sandwich to me. She was nervous and probably could tell that I knew that she had come to me after fucking someone else.

I took the sandwich and took a big bite of it. I closed my eyes and rested back against the headboard as I savored the food. I was much hungrier than I realized. How had I forgotten?

Britt sighed and tried to grab at my hand again but I snatched it away and put it on my sandwich. I didn't really want her to touch me.

_"Are you ever going to forgive me?"_

_"I need more time."_ I said as I swallowed down my last bite. I was rubbing my fingers together over my plate trying to free them of the crumbs. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

_"Um...okay but you should know that I'm not going to give up."_ she muttered as she grabbed at my hand again. I snatched it back and then turned to look her in the eyes.

_"Did you fuck anyone while you were out there for two days?"_

Her cheeks flushed pink as she looked away from me and nodded.

My heart dropped but I wasn't backing down.

_"And you fucked someone on the way here didn't you?"_ My tone was bitter and harsh but I needed to know.

_"Y-yes."_

_"What the fuck, Brittany! When? How?" _I was too afraid to ask who.

_"I took a cab to the house on the way from the airport, picked up the car and then stopped on my way here."_

* * *

I felt a heaviness rest on my shoulders and I didn't think that I could deal with it. I finished off my sandwich and then rested my head back again. The throbbing pain was now moving down to my shoulders and my back. I knew that I needed to calm myself so I placed my hands on my baby bump. I smiled to myself when I noticed how it had popped out even more. I now looked pregnant, there was no denying it.

It was a moment of peace wrapped in chaos. As I sat there smiling I almost forgot that Britt was still sitting there beside me until I felt her nudge me. I opened my eyes and turned my head ready to snap at her. Was she really nudging me? I was glaring until I saw that she had peeled a banana and was handing it to me.

I took it, well snatched it and then returned to my position, one hand remaining on my stomach. I kept my eyes closed as I slowly chewed the sweet fruit and tried my best to ignore my wife. Of course she wasn't going to allow that, as always she was making things about her.

* * *

_"It was Frankie, while I was in California...she...she didn't want to but I pressured her into it."_

_"Hmmmm...why would you do that?"_ I whispered between bites...thinking back to my conversation with Frankie a few days before.

_"I wanted to feel the excitement, the risk. I was chasing the thrill of it but I realized how much I would just rather be home with you. After it was over and she kicked me out of her apartment, I wandered the streets and did some serious thinking. I realized how selfish I've been."_

_"I see."_ I said as I handed the banana peel back without opening my eyes. Her touch brushed my fingers as she took the banana peel away and I noticed that I didn't feel our normal spark. I just felt really angry with her. "Who was it in New York?"

_"It doesn't matter."_

_"It does. It shouldn't matter."_

_"But it fucking does, Brittany. So who is she?"_

_"Rachel."_

My eyes snapped open as I looked at her, wide eyed. Before I knew it I was recoiling from her touch and pushing from the bed, past the pain and onto my feet.

_"Are you fucking kidding me, right now? Is this what happened, when Quinn came to Lima with me? Did you fuck her in our house too?"_ I screamed.

_"Yes."_

_"Where in the house?"_ My voice was strained as the pain was tearing through my body.

_"Come back to bed, Ana."_

_"NO!"_ I screamed at her.

_"Please?"_

_"Tell me first."_ I growled out.

_"Our bed."_

I dropped down to my knees and wept into the bed as my head rested on the edge. The sound of my own sobs were loud and harsh as I rained down punches on the mattress. The knife in my chest was twisting and turning something terrible.

This was just too much.

* * *

_"I do love you Ana."_ she whispered to me as she came around the bed and slowly helped me back up onto it. Once I was back in my original position she tried to rub my arms but I slapped her hands away. She sighed and walked back around and climbed in. How was it possible that she was making me feel sorry for her?

_"What did I ever do to deserve this?"_ I whispered with my eyes closed.

_"It's not about you."_

_"Then what is it about?"_

I was playing with my fingers as she leaned over and placed a glass in my hand. I opened my eyes and drank the glass of water down in three long gulps, I was insanely thirsty. I handed the glass back and looked back at the tray hoping that there was something else...I was still hungry but I didn't want to ask. There was something under a napkin. Britt lifted the napkin and under it was another sandwich.

_"Do you want it?"_ she asked as she began to pull the crusts off for me. I nodded as I waited anxiously, both for the food and for an answer to my question. She handed me the sandwich and then got up from the bed. _"I'm going to get you some more water. I'll be right back okay?"_

I nodded and continued to eat my sandwich, happy to be alone again even if it was just for a moment. I hadn't realized just how hungry I was. I ate this sandwich much slower though and tried to better savor it without the anxiety of Britt's confessions. I didn't want to overwhelm my stomach or my body and get sick again.

* * *

Britt returned with another glass of water and a pack of cookies. I smiled and she smiled back but I wasn't smiling at her so when I saw her smiling back at me I scowled and looked away.

_"Do you want the other half of the sandwich?"_ she asked me as she brought the tray back onto her lap.

_"Yes."_ I said as I swallowed the last of the first half. She began to rip at the crusts looking more and more frustrated as she went along. She handed me the sandwich and then opened the pack of cookies and bit into one.

_"I don't have a reason why I cheat. It just keeps my mind off of other things."_

_"What other things?"_

_"Uh...the stress of life...I guess."_

She was lying.

_"I don't trust you anymore."_ I whispered softly as I polished off the second half of the sandwich, finally feeling satisfied. I had rushed through it in anticipation of a cookie.

_"Do you still love me though?"_

_"Always and only you B."_ I said a bit louder. I could see that her hands were shaking. Even though I was hurting I couldn't bear to see Britt hurting, I never could. I was still insanely angry with her as I reached my hand out and linked my pinky with hers but I couldn't help but comfort her.

_"I'm really really sorry, baby."_ she said as she looked at me with angry, sad eyes.

_"B you keep saying that but you keep doing it. I cheated on you once, I said rubbing my baby bump."_

_"Three times, you slept with Frankie and I know about you Ian in the kitchen. I know that's how you really got pregnant."_

_"How do you know about that?"_

_"I walked in on you. You know my amazing timing." _she laughed bitterly.

_"Fine. Three times. It's still isn't right though. You have been doing it since before our wedding day, shit on our wedding day! This marriage isn't working. I just don't want to do it anymore, Brittany."_

* * *

_"What?"_ she squeaked out. I pulled the rings off my left hand and handed then to her.

_"Those rings don't mean anything anymore at least not to me."_

She sat there staring at me with her palm clenched around my wedding rings. I reached over and pulled her ring off her finger and placed it on the nightstand beside me. If she wanted to act single then I would make it easier for her but there was no way that she could continue to wear my ring and go fuck someone else...especially RuPaul.

_"I-I don't want a divorce Ana. Please? I love you!"_ she took the tray and put it on her nightstand and then turned to me with tears in her eyes. _"Please don't end this." _she begged with sad eyes.

_"I just can't do this B. My heart can't take it anymore. You're making me sick, you come to me and want to fix stuff and you reek of Rachel and sex. I can't believe you would even do that to me. That's just so fucked up. I can't allow you to keep walking all over my heart. I deserve better."_

_"What about Izzy? What about the baby?"_

_"We aren't going anywhere. Your family has never left you Brittany...that's your job apparently."_ I laughed. _"And just because I am done with this marriage doesn't mean I want to break up...it's just that marriage means a lot to me and we entered into it lightly and it's killing me. I can't be married to you. I can't let you trash our vows. I fucked up and you fucked up. I stopped and you keep fucking going. You have a problem and I can't deal with it."_

_"Wait? So we aren't breaking up?"_

_"Not unless you want to. It doesn't mean we are together either. I don't know what we are anymore. I'm still trying to make it through this pregnancy safely and if I have to waste my time and energy wondering who you are off fucking...God...I just don't want this anymore."_ I said looking into her eyes for the first time since I handed her my rings.

She shook her head and then tried to lean in and kiss me again. I pulled away and pushed her backwards.

_"I'm not ready for that. I want to start over with you and that is not in the equation. I want you to be by my side always but I need time before I can be intimate with you again. I can't let you touch me like that until I can trust that I'm the only one that you are touching like that."_

She looked defeated as she leaned back against the headboard and stared off.

_"Okay, whatever you want."_

* * *

I fell asleep shortly after my argument with Britt. When I woke up she was gone and Quinn was sitting there in the rocking chair, watching me sleep. I looked up at her and cracked a smile.

_"You are so creepy, Q."_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"What's wrong?"_ I said as I sat up.

_"She told you about Rachel."_ my jaw dropped before I snapped it shut again.

_"You knew?"_

_"I found out right before I got home. Rachel told me and I ran home to tell you and found you sick. So I called Britt even though you told me not to and I told her to get her ass back here. That she owed you that much."_

_"Thanks."_

_"It makes me sick, San."_

_"I'm sorry Q."_

_"No...this wasn't your fault."_

_"I just don't get how she could do this."_

_"Something is off with her San...is she taking her meds still?"_

_"I don't know...I'm starting to think that she stopped again."_

_"Well she needs to get back on them because she is on the verge of losing everything and everyone."_

_"I gave my rings back."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**_Hey Anita :)-Ari_**

**_Hi!:)-Ana_**

**_How is the city?-Ari_**

**_Ugh! On bed rest...it's beautiful outside and I'm stuck inside.-Ana_**

**_Well that sucks ass! How long is your imprisonment?-Ari_**

**_A week.-Ana_**

**_Perfect! I should be there by then. Want to go to church and lunch with me when I get there?-Ari_**

**_I haven't gone to church here yet...don't tell my Abuela ;)-Ana_**

**_That's okay, we can fix that. When we toured campus Papi made sure to scope out the area churches. I know just the place or places! I have a list! So what do you say?-Ari_**

**_Ummmm-Ana_**

**_Come on...please?:(-Ari_**

**_Okay. Text me the address of the church and I'll meet you there.-Ana_**

**_Yes! :)-Ari_**

* * *

_"How are you going to explain that to Britt?"_ Quinn had apparently been reading over my shoulder as we laid on the bed watching a movie.

_"What's to explain? Church and lunch. No big deal."_ I rolled onto my back and looked up at her. She was now hovering with her head rested on her arm and rubbing my little belly.

_"So, then you are taking Britt with you?"_

_"What? No. She doesn't like church she says it's boring and too hard to follow."_

_"So, you should still tell her."_

_"Why?"  
_

_"Because instead of breaking it off, you decided that you wanted to start all over. So if you want to build trust then you both have to be honest."  
_

_"You have a point."  
_

_"Don't I always?"_

* * *

I had been at Sandra's house for a week and had already gained five pounds with the way I was being overfed. Britt had been staying at the house too and sleeping in the bed with me but I kept a pillow in between us because I really didn't want her to get any ideas in the middle of the night.

Britt and I were doing okay, we had just gotten to the point where we were comfortable joking around with each other but it was still forced and awkward most of the time.

We had been taking everything slow. She laid with me at night but there was no sex, no kissing just spooning. We had been eating every meal together and were really starting to get to the center of our issues. At least in my opinion.

We were headed to the hospital for a checkup on my stitches and we were supposed to be picking up Isaac, being stuck in the bed, I hadn't been able to go see him so this was the first time that I would get to see him in a week and I was anxious.

* * *

This was my first time out the house in days and I had asked her to take the scenic route so that I could enjoy the fresh air but Britt insisted on the direct route so now we were stuck in rush hour traffic in Manhattan and would be late to my appointment so she was pissed.

_"Britt, you need to calm down. We will get there, no need for the rage."_

_"I just don't get it! Why is there traffic at this hour?"_

_"Honey, it's New York there's always traffic. We aren't in Lima anymore."_ I said as I thought of the wizard of oz. I had spent a lot of time watching movies lately. I was brought abruptly from my thoughts when she snapped at me.

_"I know where the fuck we are, Santana!"_

My head snapped to the side towards her...this side of Britt hadn't come out in awhile and it shocked me.

_"Whoa! Bring it back! Are you yelling and cursing at me, Brittany?"_ I had my eyebrow cocked and my arms crossed over my chest.

_"I-I'm sorry."_ she mumbled out and then hit the horn, or rather punched it.

_"Don't beat up the car please, I know I can afford it but it wasn't cheap. The horn works even when you don't punch it."_

_"Would you stop fucking telling me what to do!"_ she yelled at me with anger all over her face.

_"Okay, you know what? That's it! I tried to be nice."_

_"Huh?"_

_"What the fuck is wrong with you, Britt? This can't just be the traffic."_

I was trying to stay calm but my patience was quickly wearing thin. I placed a hand on her thigh and she flinched away and released a sigh and looked over at me.

* * *

_"Who's Ari?"_ Crap, is that what this was about? Why hadn't I told her?

_"My childhood best friend from before I met Q. She is starting at NYU."_

_"You mean your first crush...that Ari?"_

_"Yes. She saw me at the funeral and then she came to mom's to see me afterwards."_

_"Did you sleep with her?"_

_"What? No. We hadn't seen each other in seven years, we just talked. I missed her."_

_"So you are seeing her tomorrow."_

_"Yea, it just church and lunch. No big deal."_

_"Really? then why didn't you tell me about it?"_

_"Because it just slipped my mind."_

_"Convenient."_

_"How did you find out?"_

I watched as she bit her lip and looked out onto the road again, we still hadn't moved.

I was beyond upset because I knew the answer to my question but I wanted her to admit to me what she had done. I hadn't raised my voice this whole time and was proud of myself for it. I hadn't deflected and I had been completely honest. So now, I sat quietly and waited for her to answer me. My hand remained on her thigh gripping it lightly, like we were just talking about shoes, I sighed and then I rubbed her leg trying to encourage her to be honest back with me. It was about trust.

_"I went through your phone...through your messages, your calls and your pictures...through everything."_ she finally whispered. I nodded and turned my face from her so she couldn't see the disappointment in my eyes. It hurt to hear it but I wasn't going to freak out about it at least not at that moment.

We finally pulled into a parking spot a full twenty minutes later. Me feeling like I could explode and Britt acting like a dog with its back against a wall.

I had called ahead to let the doctor know we were going to be late and heard Britt grumble but now that we were there and she was waiting for us, I didn't care. I hated her when she acted like this...it was like I was dating myself, but a much more jealous and bitter version.

* * *

B grabbed Isaac's car seat and then opened my door and helped me out of the car. I stepped down and felt the soreness in my back. I hadn't really been on my feet and when I did I was still insanely sore. I knew for a fact that this was it for me, my body couldn't handle being pregnant and I wasn't going to force it to be ever again.

I slid my hand into Britt's and let her lead me onto the elevator. The moment that we stepped off onto the main floor she insisted that I sit in a wheelchair because I was walking funny...so I ended up holding the car seat on my lap while being rolled down the hall to my appointment. I felt ridiculous but at least I got out of walking next to her and pretending that I felt like holding her hand.

I was upset with her and she was the last person that I wanted near me but I needed to suck it up. I had decided to keep this going so I needed to stick to my guns.

* * *

_"So tell me about the pain that you've been having, Santana?"_

_"It's my lower back. It's just kind of sore and I feel pressure when I stand."_

_"How is your upper back?"_

_"Not as painful as the lower."_

_"How long have you had the implants?"_

_"Three years."_

_"What size were you before the surgery?"_

_"Barely a B and now I'm a DD."_

_"I see, at the height of your pregnancy with Isaac what was your weight?"_

_"119, I think. The most I ever weighed."_

_"Well seeing that the baby is developing properly and the bleeding has stopped. I think that it may just be an adjustment for your body and can be a side effect to the bed rest."_

_"So it's normal?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I have been trying to do everything by the book including getting my weight up it's just hard. I have never been insanely good at taking care of myself."_

_"Well if you keep doing what you're doing Santana, things will be just fine. You came in at 118 today. So let's keep you eating the way you that have been but let's get you back to walking again at least once a day. Nothing too strenuous."_

_"I'm worried about that, the last time I tried doing that while pregnant I had Isaac early. Am I going to be okay to do that this time?"_

_"You should be fine. Your body just needs to adjust to being healthy, drug free and surprisingly to being pregnant."_

_"Bring pregnant? That's surprising...I mean I was literally just pregnant a few months ago."_

_"Each pregnancy is different and your body didn't get treated properly the last time with all the drug use. So let's get you in shape but I mean walking to the end of the block and back not a marathon."_

_"Ok."_

_"I want to see you in here in two weeks. By then you should have hit 125 which is a healthy weight for your height and age."_

_"Does that mean no more bed-rest?"_

_"Well, you are still high risk. So, let's do modified a bed rest. I want you off your feet 12 hours and in motion for 12 hours. If at any point you feel pressure in your legs sit down and elevate your feet."_

_"So when I'm in motion I can do whatever I want?"_

_"No, not quite, no extreme exercise, 10 minute showers, no lifting heavy things, and no sex. Okay?"_ I looked over and saw Britt's face redden. I was fine with no sex, in fact I wasn't planning on that anytime soon but I'm sure that she wasn't.

_"Okay, that sounds good. So I can get up out of this wheelchair then?"_

_"I insist that you get out of that wheelchair, my caution is that you try and keep someone near you when you are moving about just in case and I would hold off on walking around holding Isaac just for a little while longer...at least until you see me again first."_

_"Ugh...that sucks."_

_"It is safest for him and you until the pain becomes manageable."_

_"I know, I know...it still sucks though."_

Britt cleared her throat, annoying, and looked towards me as she spoke to the doctor.

_"She is going to church tomorrow and then out to lunch...is she okay to do all that by herself?"_

_"Yes. Just be mindful Santana of how much you are on your feet. Will you be with someone that you trust?"_

_"Yes, absolutely and I was planning on driving there."_

_"Driving in Lima is much different than the city, it's stressful and can be potentially dangerous if you are doing it alone...so maybe have Brittany drop you off and pick you up."_

Britt smiled in triumph but I didn't really care. I shrugged and just nodded.

_"That's fine doc, no big deal."_

Britt could scheme and obsess about this all she wanted, I was just so happy that the back pain didn't signify any bad things for me or the baby and that I could walk around a bit. I was also excited that I would be able to make it to church with a good friend and not have to worry about standing her up. Britt had nothing to worry about I wasn't her, I could control myself!

* * *

The highlight of my day other than being taken off of strict bed rest was picking up my son from the hospital. I mean sure I wouldn't be able to pick him up and walk around with him but I could have him home with me and that was amazing.

When we walked into the NICU and Isaac saw me his face lit up as I stood there over him. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were sparkling. I closed my eyes and laid a hand on his chest, saying a quick prayer and smiling to myself when I couldn't feel any straining in his lungs. He was definitely doing much better.

I looked down at him and smiled. He was babbling to me and it made me laugh. I leaned in and peppered his face with kisses as he clung to my hair. I pulled back a little and rested my head lightly on his chest to listen to his lungs up close. No congestion.

I stood back up and took my hair from his fist before rubbing his chest.

_"Look at that Isaac...you feel better papa?"_

As I was talking to my smiling son, his doctor came over to us and lingered. I knew he wanted to say something but I just wanted to look at my son.

_"Mrs. Lopez?"_ I nodded without taking my eyes from Isaac.

_"Yes, Doctor?"_ I said as I rearranged Isaac's blanket around him.

_"Can I talk to you before he is discharged, it's important?"_ I could tell from the sound of his tone that he was really concerned and that quickly got my attention. I finally looked up at him and could see that my suspicion was right. He was a handsome Latin man, young and muscular I'm sure moms probably cream themselves over him everyday.

_"What's your name?"_

_"Dr. Cabrera."_

_"Nice to meet you."_

_"Same."_

_"So tell me what's wrong?"_ he looked me in the eyes and then back towards Britt.

_"I'm not certain why Isaac was taken on a plane but it was a very dangerous risk. I had specifically told your wife last week that he should not be flying."_ I raised my eyebrow and looked sideways at him.

_"Did you_ _really?"_ I said as tried to put a smile on my face. _"I wasn't aware of that fact. I do not plan to have Isaac on any more planes anytime soon. Did it do a ton of damage? Was that the reason he picked up pneumonia so quickly?"_

_"The air pressure set back the progression of his lungs substantially add to that the bacteria and particles in the air it was bound to happen. This was tame compared to what could have potentially happened. It was good that you brought him right in or he may have died from lack of oxygen."_

_"What?"_ my hand flew to my mouth as I stood there in shock, I could feel the bile in my throat as I tried to remain calm. I looked down at my baby boy and felt the tears come down immediately. _"I had no idea. Is he going to be okay? Is the pneumonia completely gone? Is there anything he needs other than the treatments?"_ I was shooting out question after question trying to figure out what I could do to get my son back on track and even though I was rambling I knew that I made sense. I was so concerned and just wanted to throw Britt through the window.

_"Whoa, Mrs. Lopez, take a breath. He's fine now. He just needs to stay on his medication schedule and you need to follow his action plan down to the letter. This makes all the difference in his quality of life."_

_"Okay. I'll do whatever needs to be done and so will my wife, right Brittany?"_ I knew that there was an edge in my voice but I didn't care.

_"Right, sorry doctor."_ her voice was strained as she forced out an answer.

She knew what she had almost done and I knew she was feeling like shit about it and I didn't fucking feel sorry for her.

* * *

**A/N: Review please...let me know what you think.**

**A**


	10. Chapter 10:Don't Let Me Down

**Chapter 10: Don't Let Me Down (Leona Lewis)**

* * *

**_She knew what she had almost done and I knew she was feeling like shit about it and I didn't fucking feel sorry for her._**

* * *

I hovered behind her as Britt strapped Isaac into his car seat. The only reason that I even allowed her to do that was because I couldn't do it myself. I didn't even want her near him at the moment. She is so lucky that Ian wasn't around to know how she had put Isaac's life in jeopardy so that she could go chasing her mistress around California.

She climbed in the front seat of the car and then saw that I was still leaning into the back seat checking in on Isaac.

_"Are you going to get in the car?"_ she asked sounding exhausted.

I looked at her and could feel my anger boiling the blood in my veins. I didn't say a word as I climbed into the backseat and shut the door. I needed to be with my son...I didn't want to take my eyes off of him for a second, plus I didn't want to really be near her.

Now I **_really_** didn't trust her.

* * *

Britt sat there in the front seat and drove quietly. I hadn't still hadn't said a word to her as I watched my son sleep. His breathing was still fine. I just hated that he even had to get to that point. Britt was supposed to protect him and she had failed horribly, add to that, when he got sick she was off fucking Frankie instead of being there for him.

**_What are you doing?-Ana_**

**_Just finished setting up my dorm room, you?-Ari_**

**_Just left the hospital. Isaac is coming home and I'm off bedrest!-Ana_**

**_That's awesome!-Ari_**

**_Yea it is-Ana_**

**_What's wrong?-Ari_**

**_I wish that things were different.-Ana_**

**_How so?-Ari_**

**_That we had gotten back to each other sooner.-Ana_**

**_But we didn't, don't go there...it isn't healthy-Ari_**

**_You're right. I'm just frustrated.-Ana_**

**_It's going to get better. Just take it a day at a time.-Ari_**

**_That's what is hard. She lies so much! You know how much that makes me crazy?-Ana_**

**_I believe you almost broke Cindy Cohen's nose for it when we were 11. So yea, I do-Ari_**

**_LOL...I totally forgot about that!-Ana_**

**_You love Brittany?-Ari_**

**_Yes.-Ana_**

**_More than me, still?-Ari_**

**_Idk. Yes.-Ana_**

**_Lets just say that's a yes. If you still love her and think this is worth it then fight for it.-Ari_**

**_I don't want to fight anymore.-Ana_**

**_That's not good if you want to stay married.-Ari_**

**_What if I don't want to stay married?-Ana_**

**_Then you should figure that out before you string her along.-Ari_**

**_Thanks Arita! ;)-Ana_**

**_Anytime babe! See you tomorrow?-Ari_**

**_Yes. Hasta manana.-Ana_**

* * *

Britt had turned on the radio and began to dance and sing along to some Britney Spears song and while I'm sure she was thinking about the tour, I thought of the glee club, back when things were much more simple between us. She was in her own world as I thought about what Ari was telling me.

I just didn't understand how she could put Isaac's life in jeopardy like that. I was able to forgive the cheating and the lying, I could even swallow her fucking Rachel but this was so unfathomable to me.

She knew how hard I fought to stay clean for him and how hard I was working to be a good mom to him and shit, a good wife to her.

I looked down at my son, our son and couldn't imagine ever doing that to him. Ian would have killed Britt and at that moment I was wishing that he was around to do just that.

How had we gotten to this point in our relationship? Was I ever going to be able to trust her again?

Did I want to stay in a relationship with someone who was so reckless? Why was I the only one committed to fighting for us? Where did I stand when it came to fighting for this marriage?

At this point I was just surviving the marriage and that's no way to live especially at nineteen years old.

* * *

When we got back to Sandra's house, B helped me out of the car and then reached back in to grab the baby who was still sound asleep. Normally I would have just walked inside the house while she got him but I suddenly didn't feel confident leaving her alone with him anymore. So instead of walking away, I stood by the car door and just waited for her to get him.

When she turned around with him cradled in her arms and saw me standing there she frowned.

_"Why are you waiting? You could have just gone inside."_ I didn't say anything, I just shook my head and walked next to her as she walked towards the door to the kitchen.

I knew that I was being paranoid as I followed closely behind her but I just couldn't take any chances. I trusted Britt a lot less than I trusted Marco at the moment.

Quinn sat at the table cuddled up with my sister Celia. I did a double take and felt a smile break across my face. I cleared my throat just to be obnoxious and they jumped away from each other like they had been caught.

_"Hey Ceily...what are you doing here?"_

_"I have a showing at a gallery in Brooklyn. I didn't really feel like staying at a hotel when I had family so close by and I have a house key so I just came here instead."_

_"Cool."  
_

_"How are you feeling baby sis?"  
_

_"Better."_ I said as I walked over to her. She stood up to give me a hug and I immediately leaned into her. I hadn't really spent time with her in Lima and regretted it because next to Sandra she is my closest sister.

_"I'm glad to see you! Where is Sandra? Is it just you two?"_

_"Yeah. Johnny's mom called, something about something, so San and Johnny headed up to Albany. I just think his mom misses him."_

_"Yeah, that's probably it."_

I turned to see where my wife had gone and saw that Britt was walking towards the stairs with Isaac.

I panicked.

_"B...why don't you um...wait up a sec okay? I'll come with you."_ she turned to me and then just stood there looking at me in disbelief. I was about to turn back towards my sisters when I saw her roll her eyes at me and turn back around. _"You know what...on second thought, Q do you think you could take Isaac for a little...Britt and I need to talk."_

* * *

_"Wait, so you trust her to take him...over me? She gave her own baby away to a stranger and you don't trust me? Don't be like this Santana!"_

_"So you want to fucking do this right here? Right now? Fine! I was trying to spare you Brittany!"_

_"I'm sorry. I didn't think it was that big of fucking a deal! I thought they were just being over protective."_

_"Bullshit!"_

_"He's fine now, Santana."_

_"Isaac could have died! He could have fucking died! The doctor told you that he couldn't fly and you still brought him all the fucking way to Lima, Ohio so you could leave and go fuck Frankie! Are you fucking crazy?"_

_"I apologized! Doesn't that mean something?"_ her eyes were bulging and I could see that she squeezing the baby a little too tightly for my liking. He was awake now and beginning to whimper...probably in pain. Q had noticed too because she was standing by Britt in a flash with her arms out.

_"Let me take him B so that you and San can go talk this out."_ Q said cautiously.

_"NO! He's safe with me!"_

_"You're hurting him B."_ Quinn sounded desperate now.

_"Give him to Quinn, please, Brittany!"_ I yelled out, I was frantic. Every time I stepped closer she climbed a step so I just stood there four steps down looking up at her and Q on the steps.

_"Didn't I tell you earlier to stop fucking telling me what to do?"_

Isaac flinched and began to cry. This time she didn't hesitate, Quinn grabbed Isaac from Britt almost having to yank him from her iron grip. She almost went tumbling when Britt came barreling down the steps towards me. I saw Celia reach up and steady her and then I turned back towards the fucking bull charging my way. I took a step back and she kept moving forward until there was no space between us.

* * *

_"He's my son too!"_ she whispered intensely trying to calm down her anger._ "I'm his mom too."_

I know that I should have stopped there but its just not in my nature to back down, not anymore. I pointed a finger straight at her chest and looked her straight in the eye.

_"Yea? Then why don't you fucking act like it! You want to be a shitty wife I can deal with it but you don't get to put Isaac's life in danger! He has been through enough!"_ I said as calmly as I could.

She gripped my wrist and tore it away from her chest. I cried out as I felt the crunch in my left wrist. I was whimpering when she brought her face close to mine.

_"Nothing that I do will ever be as bad as you snorting cocaine while you were pregnant with him, Santana! Nothing! So stop acting like you are the fucking perfect parent to him!"_

I swear I never meant to flip...I never meant to snap but the moment she finished her sentence I pushed her backwards and yanked my hand to my chest. I looked up and watched as she caught herself before she fell on her ass and then jumped to her feet. I stepped back again, coming in contact with the wall as she came barging towards me again.

I cried out when I felt her pressing my body into the wall, my throbbing wrist and my little baby belly caught between us.

* * *

_"What the hell is going on in my house!"_

Sandra had walked in at the height of it all and thankfully Johnny was faster than Britt who for some reason forgot that I was pregnant. Johnny pushed himself in between us and was gripping Britt by the arms and pushing her backwards with her arms trapped to her sides.

_"Get the fuck off me, Johnny!" _she yelled.

_"No, you need to calm down first."_

_"She pushed me!"_

I was pressed against the wall with my hand still clutched to my chest as the tears streamed down my face. I knew then that she had lost control. That she was definitely off her meds. That I had totally not noticed until Quinn pointed it out. She was a danger to me and Isaac. She was a danger to herself and to her career, this had to stop. Celia had me wrapped up in her arms and I was crying loudly against her shoulder as I heard Johnny trying to talk Britt down._  
_

_"I know, I understand but she is pregnant Brittany...think about the baby!"_ he said as he pushed her down into a chair.

I watched her face as something clicked and Britt seemed to calm down as she nodded her head and looked over at me before dropping her head to her chest and taking deep breaths.

_"Okay, does someone want to tell me what is going on here, what happened?"_ Sandra said as she stepped next to me with Little Johnny asleep in her arms.

_"Britt almost killed Isaac."_ I muttered. Britt raised her head and looked straight at me with cold eyes.

_"Fuck you, Santana!"_

_"No fuck you Brittany! You better thank the stars or whatever the fuck you believe in that he is alive right now."_ I said as I pulled away from Celia and walked towards her. _"Just tell me how you could think it would be okay to disregard the doctor and do that? Why? I trusted you with him!"_

_"I thought it was just a suggestion. I didn't think-"_ she said trailing off and staring at the floor.

_"And there we have it you don't think! Unless it has to do with breaking your marriage vows or shaking your ass you don't fucking think about anyone else!"_ I screamed at her.

She jumped to her feet again but Johnny blocked her way, thankfully. She was now standing on the other side of Johnny and gesturing towards me.

_"I don't think? What about you? You got knocked up twice! You are a fucking anorexic junkie slut who can't help but fuck up her own life! You are a fuck up just like your dad always said! You will always be a fuck up! That's why I leave because I don't want your shit to rub off on me. You're nothing but a bitch!"_

* * *

I stumbled backwards in shock. I was leaning against the wall, bent over as I absorbed what she said. I looked over at her and could see the shock on her face at her own words. I swallowed back my tears as I saw the regret on her face.

_"Thanks for telling me how you really feel about me, B. Thank you! At least now I know what I really mean to you."_

I stayed there with my arms wrapped around myself trying to calm my nerves. I could feel the tears on my face as I tried to figure out my next move.

She had crossed another fucking line. I don't think there were anymore to cross, this was the final straw.

* * *

Britt pushed past Johnny and walked over to me as I stood there shell shocked and heart broken. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her chest. I didn't fight her but I didn't lean into her embrace either.

_"I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean that. I don't know where that came from."_

_"Your heart." _I said as I pulled away from her. I walked past my sisters and Quinn. I just needed to be alone. I made it to the bottom step, suddenly feeling the pain in my back and now my legs. I turned back and looked Quinn in the eyes.

_"Q, can you please put him in the nursery. I need to go to bed, now. Okay?"_ I waited for a response and when Q nodded I walked up stairs.

_"Ana...baby wait!"_ I could hear her on the steps behind me. She grabbed my hand from behind and I was thrown off balance and had to quickly grab the banister. She had nearly sent me tumbling down the stairs.

_"Don't you ever fucking touch me again...do you understand me?" _I said coldly. She looked at me and her jaw dropped open before slamming shut. She nodded at me and held her hands in front of her reaching for me. I turned back and rushed up the rest of the steps.

* * *

By the time I made it to my door I felt the bile in my throat, I realized that I hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was well past noon. This baby wasn't fucking around with me. I felt dizzy and had to grab the wall for support as I made my way to the bed.

I kicked off my sandals, crawled onto the bed without taking off a stitch of clothing and pulled the sheet up over me. I was feeling incredibly weary and just wanted to talk to Ian. I needed a friend...someone removed from the situation. I wanted to text Ari but I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Especially not this. I just felt so stuck.

* * *

_"San?"_ I heard the door creek open and burrowed deeper into the bed.

_"I don't want to talk, Q!"_ I mumbled. _"Please go."_

_"Then just listen!"_ she shut the door and then climbed into the bed behind me. She wrapped her arms around me as she spooned me and then rested her chin against my shoulder. I didn't mean to sigh out contentedly but when she snuggled up against me my body relaxed. It needed the comfort.

_"I'm taking Britt home tonight and we are leaving you here. You need the time apart from each other. Something is really broken between you guys that's why you can't handle pressure every time something happens. I just thought I should let you know that I urged her to call the guy from the Madonna tour. I think that Sue had the right idea, when she encouraged her to go. Britt is just going to keep rebelling and keep snapping the longer she holds off her dream. You should encourage her too."_

_"I don't care anymore."_

_"Oh, just shut up! When it comes to Brittany you will always care, you will always fight...that's what the always and only you is about...it's what makes you two so epic."_

_"You heard what she said to me."_

_"That wasn't Brittany...you know that. She isn't herself."_

_"If she loved me then she would do everything to make sure that she was always herself. Those feelings had to come from somewhere! She really hurt me, Q."_

_"So you're done?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Because you still love her."_

_"Fuck! Yes...okay."_

_"Then let her go."_

_"Why are you always right?"_

_"Because I'm a genius...especially when it comes to you."_

* * *

I must have fallen asleep holding my phone because when it started vibrating it startled me awake. Quinn was gone and so were my pants. She is so frigging creepy! I looked at my phone and smiled when I saw the name.

_"Hello?"_ I knew that I sounded groggy so I cleared my throat and tried again. _"Sorry hello?"_ I said more clearly.

_"Ana? It's Ari...did I wake you?"_

_"Yea but it's fine. Hey. Are you in the city now?"_

_"Yup but if you're sleeping I can just wait to see you in the morning?"_

_"No, no I'm glad you called!"_ I said as I pulled myself into a sitting position. _"So, how are you liking the city?"_

_"Well, I haven't really experienced it yet...I went from airport to shuttle straight to the dorms and have been working at getting settled all day long."_

_"That's a shame."_

_"Yeah it is...so um...I was wondering if maybe I could just come there tomorrow after church? My funds are kind of low for lunch."_

_"Already a broke college student? No worries...it's on me okay? Besides, I'm not in the city...I'm at my sisters right now."_

_"Really, I couldn't do that to you."_

_"Oh don't worry about me, I can handle paying for lunch no big deal although I'm not sure how it's going to go over with my wife, she is a bit jealous about this, about us."_

_"Oh, is she? Well how about we all just have breakfast together? I don't need to go to church this once...I would much rather just hang out with you and get to know your wife better."_

_"I'll talk to Britt and let you know. I call you right back."_

_"Oh and hey...Ana?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"I know that you are upset right now...I can hear it in your voice. You sound like you are holding something back. I just wanted to let you know that I am back and I plan to be here for you no matter what. I really do love you and care about what happens to you. So if you need me just know that I will listen or just be here if you ever get the balls to cry in front of me."_

_"Thanks, Arita...that means so much to me right now. I love you too."_

_"Sweet!"_

_"I'll call you back okay?"_

_"Yep. I'm headed to shower so just leave a message if I don't answer, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

After I hung up I flipped on the light and just sat there playing with my phone. I scrolled through my photo albums and looked at all the pictures of Britt with Isaac. I knew that she loved him, I knew that she was really upset about what she had done. I was really upset that she did it but I knew that if this was all because she was neglecting herself, neglecting her mental health...that I couldn't hold a grudge against her. Hadn't I just spent time in the hospital for the very same thing.

Like that song to Ian said, who am I to judge or explain, I couldn't judge Britt. **_IF_ _and only if_** this is because she is off her meds again, then I was willing to forgive her but before I went forgiving her, I needed her to admit it to me of her own free will. I couldn't let her know that I was willing to cave in after what she had said to me earlier because meds or not she believed those words on some level.

Despite my misgivings, I suddenly had the urge to fix things, if Britt was going on tour I couldn't leave things like this. I didn't want to hold grudges against my wife, against my best friend.

**_Can we talk?-Ana_**

**_Y? U h8 me-B_**

**_I don't hate you.-Ana_**

**_I h8 me:(-B_**

**_I just want to fix this. I freaked out...please?-Ana_**

**_I wnt 2 fix this 2.-B_**

**_Just don't let me down...please come talk to me?-Ana_**

**_I'll b up in a sec.-B_**

**_You're still here?-Ana_**

**_I mde Q go hme w/out me...I wntd 2 b clse by jst n cse u needed me.-B_**

Don't ask me why but I couldn't help myself as I smiled at her message. I was happy that she had decided to stay because that showed that she wasn't willing to walk away as easy as I thought.


	11. Chapter 11:Wake Up Alone

**Chapter 11: Wake Up Alone (Amy Winehouse)**

* * *

**_Don't ask me why but I couldn't help myself as I smiled at her message. I was happy that she had decided to stay because that showed that she wasn't willing to walk away as easy as I thought._**

* * *

**_Just thought that you should know that I am taking your advice and I am talking to Britt-Ana_**

**_Good! I hope that it goes well...and if it doesn't, I'm here for you! You aren't alone okay?-Ari_**

**_Are you sure that you want to spend time with her, instead of just me?-Ana_**

**_Whatever makes you and her comfortable. I'm not trying to step on any toes.-Ari_**

**_Okay...I'll text you back-Ana_**

**_Sounds like a plan!-Ari_**

**_Thanks! I love you.-Ana_**

**_Back at you babe!-Ari_**

**_Hey, Q, are you here?-S_**

**_Yea, she wouldn't leave so neither would I.-Q_**

**_Do you really think that she's off her meds?-S_**

**_Absolutely...she's on her way up, me and Sandra will be waiting in the next room.-Q_**

**_Not necessary.-S_**

**_Sandra says it is very necessary.-Q_**

**_I'll be fine.-S_**

* * *

I pushed myself to my feet and made my way over to the rocking chair. When I went to grab it so it wouldn't rock, I used my left hand, and a pain shot up my arm. I flinched and quickly used my right. When I was finally sitting, I pulled my left hand to my chest and could see the purpling bruise around my wrist. This would be a solid reminder not to let Britt to walk all over me. I was flexing my hand and fighting tears with a mix of shame and sadness. I was extremely dissappointed in her. I really, really hoped that it was because of the meds.

There was a knock at the door and I quickly wiped away my tears and adjusted my hand so that my big shirt covered the bruise. I ran a hand through my hair and then took a deep breath.

_"Come in Britt Britt."_

This was the first time that Britt entered a room that I was in and didn't immediately smile. When she looked at me sitting there she just looked apologetic. I noticed that she held a tray in her hands and when she saw me looking at me, she finally smirked at me. I smiled back, glad that she had been attentive and realized that I hadn't eaten. She kicked the door closed and then put the tray down on the nightstand. She sat down on my side of the bed and looked across at me. She was trying to see my hidden wrist but I kept my attention on the food tray. She had a serious expression on her face as she uncovered the food. She had to know that I was hiding the bruise from her but she was going to allow that to slide while she got me fed. My mouth watered at the sight of a chicken cheesesteak!

_"I went out and got you this."_

_"Oh my goodness, B, am I even allowed to eat that?"_

_"Yes. I called Dr. Cabot. I promise!"_ I raised an eyebrow because that was a sore subject but then she held out her pinky and I linked my right pinky hers. I wasn't moving my left hand if I didn't have to...it just hurt too much. She squeezed my finger and then brought my hand to her lips and kissed it. "I promise."

_"Ok...I believe you. You know, we can't keep fighting like this B."_ I said as I pulled my hand back into my lap. She ducked her head down and began to tear the cheesesteak in half and then slid the tray onto my lap. In order to eat from it, I would have to hold it. She knew that.

I quickly grabbed it with my right hand and held it there. I still hadn't moved my left hand, even though it would have been easier to hold the tray that way.

_"Let me see it Ana."_ she whispered as she reached forward to try and grab my hand. I flinched away from her and rocked back. The food almost went tumbling but she caught it and brought it back to the nightstand. I was now empty handed and kept rocking so that she couldn't easily reach for me.

_"No...I don't want to talk about that right now.'_

_"Then what do you want to talk about? Why can't you just show me?"_

_"It's not important right now."_

_"I wish I had never said that to you."_

_"Well unfortunately your time machine didn't work so you can't take it back."_

_"I keep saying stupid things to you."_

_"Yea...well, lately you have been doing a lot of things that don't make much sense."_

_"There's a reason for that."_

_"Really? And what could that possibly be?"_

_"I haven't been taking my medicine."_

* * *

_"What?"_ I said more in shock than anger. I had been ready for that answer but her confirming it just made it real. Like these past few weeks had just been a joke for her. _"Why?"_

_"Ugh...I don't know...things had just gotten so good between us and so I stopped. I didn't think it would make me do stupid stuff like flying off to California, clearing out my bank account, ignoring Izzy's doctor, skipping therapy and nearly punching my pregnant wife."_

_"And Rachel."_

_"Yeah...and Rachel."_

_"I just kept doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing...but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't make the impulses go away...they just got stronger. I'm sorry."_

_"Don't"_ I said as I threw my hands to wipe at my face. Her eyes bulged out as she took in the sight of my swollen wrist. I watched as she dropped to her knees in front of me and scooted forward until she was directly in front of me.

_"Can I?"_ she said as she held out her hands. I slowly placed my left hand in her open ones and then looked away as more tears pooled in my eyes.

Fucking hormones! I covered my face with my right hand, feeling embarrassed.

_"This shouldn't of happened."_ she whispered as she lightly caressed the raised and swollen skin.

_"Do you see why you have to take them? Do you?"_

_"Yes."_ she said as she began to cry and drop light kisses all over my wrist.

_"Listen to me...ok?"_ she looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and a look of guilt on her face.

_"Okay."_

_"B you have to take them. Stuff was good between us, because you were taking them. The same way you want me to eat and be healthy, I want you to be leveled out, I want you to be able to think straight and be able to control your anger."_

_"Okay."_

_"This can't keep happening."_

_"I know."_

_"So you're going to start taking them?"_

_"Yea."_

_"And you understand how bad it is not to?"_

_"Yes. I feel so sorry, so ashamed. And then your sisters and Quinn saw it. I'm so embarrased."_

_"Did my sisters say anything to you?"_

_"Yes, Sandra sat me down and she told me off about everything. She somehow realized that I hadn't taken the pills and so had Q. They're really smart."_

_"Yeah they are. They are both pulling for you to get better."_

_"I see that now."_

_"Good"_

* * *

Britt and I sat down on the bed with the food tray between us and began to chow down on the steak sandwiches. I loved them and was so excited that I was able to eat them during this pregnancy. With Isaac my diet had been so much about vegtables and fruits that things like this that were so greasy and salty were not an option.

I was halfway through when I put my food down and rested my head back, needing to let some of the food digest before continuing. I felt like I was going into a food coma. It was great!

_"So I took my meds a little while ago."_

_"Really? All by yourself?"_

_"Quinn made me."_

_"Good."_

_"Yea."_

_"So what did Quinn say to you other than the tour stuff?"_

_"She sat me downstairs and in front of Celia and Sandra she talked about what I needed to do to fix stuff and how going off my meds was effecting everything. She talked until she was sure that the medicine was kicking in. She wouldn't let me come up here until I was level again."_

_"Good. So you are feeling okay now?"_

_"I feel more in control now...a little loopy still but I can think straight and I'm not angry."_

_"Good...I needed to talk to you when you were clear headed, so I'm glad you are now."_

_"Can I tell you something_?"

_"You can tell me anything, Britt Britt."_ I was polishing off my sandwich and trying my hardest to patient as she began to confess her sins to me.

_"I'm so sorry. Like more sorry than I have ever been! I know I promised you so much and I keep giving you reasons not go trust me but I'm going to do better now. I'm going to make you trust me again."_

_"Make me?" _I said a little thrown off by her choice of words while I sat there bruised and sore.

_"Okay...maybe I'm going to make myself do better so that hopefully you can trust me again."_

_"B...I do trust you, but only when you are on your meds, it's that simple. If you want me to trust you then it's starts with you taking your medicine and going to therapy."_

_"Ok."_

_"Can I ask where have you been going...instead of going to therapy?"_

_"Mainly to the movies and I saw a few plays with Rachel and stuff."_

_"How long has thing with Rachel been going on?"_

_"Uh...a little while."_

_"Like how long?"_

_"Since I signed my tour papers in July."_

_"And when did you stop taking your meds?"_

_"After my talk with Rachel...she kind of convinced me that I didn't need them all the time."_

_"What? Wait? So you and Rachel...while I was home with Isaac? And she knew you didn't take your meds? And you were skipping on therapy to sleep with her?"_

* * *

I was back up on my feet pacing like a caged animal. I was holding my arm against me and trying to process all the times that I woke up alone because she had early therapy or a few times, all day intensive group therapy. I never once questioned her thinking that she was taking her mental health seriously. That she was doing everything that she could to be level.

So many lies.

I didn't know what was lies and what was the truth anymore.

How many red flags had there been?

How many times had she come home and gone straight into the shower?

How many times had Quinn gone off to class and Rachel had to take Britt to therapy?

It was right in front of my face the whole time.

I was such an idiot.

* * *

_"I'm sorry."_

I whipped around and just looked at her, she was so sad. So dispicable and so was I.

_"Those words mean nothing to me anymore."_

_"But I mean it."_

_"That's just it Britt...you always mean it."_

_"I do."_

_"But stuff like this,"_ I shoved my wrist in her face, _"Just keeps happening."_

_"Not anymore."_

_"Oh yea...and how do you plan on doing that?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"That's not a good enough answer."_

_"I'm not going on tour."_

_"Why not? Don't you think we need some space?"_

_"No...I think it would only make things worse."_

_"Yea...that's what you think now but give it a week...you will go running again."_

_"Only if you make me."_

_"That's just it...I have never made you do anything. I have only stood by you...even while you cheated, while you lied, while you hurt me...the only thing that changes is the venue. I'm always in your corner Brittany but you can never stick around long enought to stay in mine."_

* * *

_"And that's why I'm not leaving New York."_

_"So you can do what...fuck Rachel?"_

_"No. So that I can be in your corner and...that's why...I uh...I called Frankie."_

_"Excuse me?"_ I said stopping in front of her and wrapping my arms around myself. Was she serious?

_"I didn't call the tour guy like Quinn said to do, I called Frankie instead."_

_"Of course you did."_ I said as I slapped my hand to my forehead. _"Tell me why you did that, B?"_

_"To break it off."_

_"I think she did that already...more than once."_

_"Okay...maybe...see I can't stop lying. I called her for advice."_

_"Okay...and what did Francis have to say?"_

_"To stick things out with you and so she set me up with an audition."_

_"How does that make you stick around?"_

_"It's in Manhattan."_

_"A local tour?"_ I said, scrunching up my eyebrows.

_"No...it's for Broadway. I talked to the head choreographer on a conference call with Frankie. Remember when I told you she was fed up with me, this was her way of getting me out of her way, I guess."_

_"But what does she have to do with this though, with Broadway?"_

_"Frankie used to dance on Broadway before she decided to go travel on tour. She choreographed a few shows for this director and because of it, he got a Tony, so he owed her a favor. So she used it on me."_

_"That was nice of her."_

_"I guess it was. So I audition tomorrow."_

_"Wow B, that's good."_ I said leaning in an stealing a kiss from her lips...like I said, my hormones are all over the place. I was still pissed. It had just been so long since I touched her lips and I wanted to be supportive. It was like fireworks when our lips met and I was immediately flooded with warmth.

_"So I will be um..."_ she leaned back in and kissed me again after I crawled into the bed and sat beside her facing her, _"be auditioning tomorrow and if they like me then I will be directing choreographer of this new play called Misfits...it hasn't opened yet."_

_"I know you will get it."_

_"And if I don't...I'm still not leaving. I'm going to stay and fix this no matter what it takes."_

_"You promise?" _I said as I held both pinkies out to her.

_"Double pinky promise." _she said as she linked both her little fingers in mine.

* * *

_"I need to tell you something Britt." _I said after we finished off our food and ate butterscotch krimpets.

_"Is it bad?"_

_"Huh? What do you mean?"_

_"You didn't cheat on me did you? I mean I deserve it but please say that you didn't." _

_"I didn't. I haven't."_

_"Ok."_

_"Ari wants to spend the day with us...you and me tomorrow."_

_"Why?"_

_"She wants to get to know you...to show you that she is harmless."_

_"And why would she want to do that? Did you tell her I was jealous or something?"_

_"I did."_

_"Great! Now she knows and will want to get with you just to stick it to me."_

_"She's not like that."_

_"You didn't think I was like that either but look at how many times I've cheated."_

_"Please...just...lets not talk about that."_

_"But I did it...we can't ignore it."_

_"I can't ignore it...you slap me in face with it all the time."_

_"So do you..." _she said gesturing to my stomach.

_"Do you not want this baby?"_

_"You never asked me."_

_"I guess I haven't."_

_"You didn't."_

_"Well...do you? Do you want this baby?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then you are going to stop bring up how it was conceived. I did it...it's done."_

_"Ok."_

_"So back to Ari...do you think it would be okay if I brought her to your audition tomorrow and then we can all celebrate your victory afterwards?"_

_"That's fine, just no funny business." _I rolled my eyes and then looked her straight in the eyes.

_"And no more lies." _her face went pale and she dropped her head before looking up at me.

_"I know you said not to bring it up but...me and Rachel, you know doing stuff while she was still with Quinn, don't say anything. Please? You can't tell Q...she would be so mad at me!"_

_"I can't keep that from her, so if you don't want me to say anything you or Rachel need to tell her. No more lies. No more skipping therapy. Okay?"_

_"Okay._

_"So we can come?"_

_"Okay. We can pick her up on the way there."_

* * *

**_So change of plans...we are going to pick you up at 6am...okay?-Ana_**

**_Six? Holy crap! This better be good!-Ari_**

**_I think it will be better than good...you are so going to owe me after this.-Ana_**

**_What is Britt going to let me have a shot at you? ;P-Ari_**

**_Keep dreaming! Just trust me you will love it!-Ana_**

**_Okay...I'm staying in Brittany Hall..55 east 10th.-Ari_**

**_Wow...how ironic!-Ana_**

**_Yea I thought so too-Ari_**

**_Ok, see you at six sharp!-Ana_**

* * *

We pulled up outside of Ari's dorm at exactly six and there she stood texting. I spotted her immediately. I had to admit that she was breathtaking. I rolled down my window and whistled to her. At first she didn't respond but then after the second whistle her head popped up.

Ari had on a classic pair of jeans and a band shirt. She had spiked up her pixie cut up today and she looked absolutely adorable...which I'm sure she was not the look that she was going for.

_"Hey Anita!"_ she said as she climbed into the back seat of the car.

I smiled back at her and then raised Britt's hand in the air.

_"Brittany that is Ariana Soto...Ari this is my Britt Britt."_

I saw Ari's face light up as she smiled at Brittany and then I caught her quick glance towards my left wrist. Her smile lost a little bit of its light but I caught it because I know her much better than Britt.

After pulling back out into traffic, we set out to some wearhouse just off the Hudson River, it ended up being less than a mile from our house, I realized. If Britt got this, I was going to have to personally thank Frankie. This was just too perfect.

_"Can you believe that it's this close to the house?"_ I asked as I turned towards Britt and noticed that she couldn't help but smile.

_"Um yea...that's why Frankie thought it was the perfect opportunity for me, for us."_

_"Remind me to call her and thank her!"_

Britt flinched and then nodded. I'm sure she was remembering the last time she saw me talking to Frankie. I was too.

* * *

We pulled next to other cars in a gravel space that couldn't even be called a parking lot. When we stepped out of the car I could hear the seagulls and smell the water...that's how close we were. I looked around and noticed how abandoned this place felt and imagined that this could totally be a high crime area at the wrong time of day.

Ari agreed as she stepped up next to me and looked around.

_"Ana, you didn't pick me up to then kill me did you because I definitely am not going down without a fight."_ Ari joked as she lifted her fists and punched the air.

_"Um...no but I do agree, this place looks creepy B, are you sure we are at the right place?"_ I said as we walked towards a huge steel set of doors.

Ever the optimist, who might I add was on her meds today and was just as loopy and silly as ever, B skipped forward excitedly like she was on the yellow brick road to Oz.

_"Come on Ana Banana, I don't want to be late. You aren't scared are you? I thought you two were from Lima Heights!"_ she said as she walked ahead of us without a hint of fear. Ari looked at me and then smirked. She grabbed my good hand and pulled me forward so that we could catch up with my crazy wife.

_"She's right Ana, we don't want to look like punks! What would the kids from the block say?"_

_"That this is fucking insane."_

_"Yea well...they said the same about us so we should be in our element."_

I swallowed down my anxiety and followed them to the doorway.

I admit it, I may be tough in Lima but I admit sometimes New York scares me.

* * *

You know that saying about judging books by covers?

Definitely applies here because the inside of this place was pretty snazzy.

After we were inside, I could see that we had entered from the side apparently, which is why it looked so deserted and creepy.

The inside looked like an intimate little off Broadway theatre and seemed pretty harmless and well lit. Britt directed us to seats in the very back and then walked towards the stage where there were dancers warming up.

_"So what is this, Ana?"_ Ari yawned and stretched out her arms as she leaned back in her chair. She looked at me as she crossed her arms over her stomach and propped her feet up, looking at me with sleepy eyes. I smiled, leaned back and looked back at her. She obviously didn't really pay much attention to the people stretching on the stage.

_"Britt is auditioning to be a choreographer on a Broadway show." I whispered in her ear. I jumped back as_ Ari shot up in her seat, suddenly wide awake. She looked at me in shock and then gave a good look at the stage.

_"No fucking way!"_ She whisper yelled as she looked around in awe. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw that she had the hugest dumbest grin on her face.

_"Yea. This is what she was going to do while we went to church. When she told me about it, I figured you would like this better since from what I remember you always wanted to be a dancer...right? I think you said that once or twice but you have no rhythm...so there you go!"_ I said gesturing towards the stage.

_"Oh fuck you...I definitely have rhythm, otherwise I would not have gotten into NYU!"_

_"Yea sure...okay!"_ I chuckled. We both knew that she was probably more talented on that stage. (including Britt) but she still scowled at me and crossed her arms over her chest in faux resentment. I smiled and looked forward before nudging her ribs. _"You know I'm just fucking with you so just sit back and enjoy it and maybe she can hire you to be like a stage hand or something?"_

_"Oh...really? Not even an understudy? A stage hand? Fuck you sideways on a horse with herpes!"_ she shot back as she leaned forward with rapt attention towards the stage.

_"You kiss your mom with that mouth, Ariana?"_

_"Yep and yours too!"_ she laughed when I made a gagging sound.

_"That's just nasty!"_ I whispered as the lights dimmed in the back of theatre with only the stage illuminated.

* * *

We both quietly watched as the dancers lined up on the stage facing a panel in the middle of the theatre. There were six dancers in all including Britt, who looked determined and focused. I loved seeing her like that.

The head choreographer gave instructions that we couldn't hear and then split the dancers into three groups of two and then turned on music. Ari kept chuckling to herself everytime she saw something that apparently wasn't done right. I thought they all looked good but as a dancer, I'm sure she noticed a lot more when they messed up.

As the dancer moved and gyrated on the stage the guy walked around and tapped people on their shoulders. Ari had her face twisted up and looked insanely nervous as he tapped B. We both froze...was that good or bad? Ari and I sat waiting with bated breath as the music stopped.

_"If I tapped you then stay! The rest if you don't quit your day jobs! Goodbye!" _the man said curtly.

Three angry people collected their belongings and headed past us to the back door, one was in tears and the other two just looked angry. _"How did they even get an audition?"_ Ari muttered as she focused back on the dancers that were stretching on stage.

* * *

After the final reject left the building almost immediately, a different type of music, hip hop, started up. B was the best I knew at that genre, it was where her talent lived. Ari was bouncing on the edge of her seat as the three remaining people were popping and locking on the stage.

The guy tapped the one chick on the shoulder and then pointed to the back door. She tripped over herself as she grabbed her bag. I smiled as I watched B continue without even noticing the commotion going on right next to her.

I felt butterflies in my stomach and sparks under my skin when Ari reached over and held tight to my hand. She wasn't even looking at me but if she was she'd see that I was blushing. She looked so excited as we watched B battle it out with the other dancer, that she wasn't even paying attention to the effect she was having on me. The music stopped and then changed to ballroom...they had to go from battling to dancing together. I was torn between watching Britt flow seamlessly into the less agressive form of dance and being breathless from Ari's touch. What was with me?

I forced myself to pay attention to them danced. I had to admit that even though I was pulling for my wife, I was torn because they were both so amazing.

After two more music genres one latin and one middle eastern, the guy clapped his hands together loudly and the music abruptly stopped. This was it. Ari clenched my hand tightly and my heart raced. I rested my free hand on my stomach and leaned onto the edge of my seat, holding Ari's hand on my lap as we watched.

_"Amazing! Never in my years on the stage, have I been so torn between dancers...so here is what we are going to do. I want you both! Congratulations! You will called back in tomorrow at the same time...right here. You're dismissed!"_ the guy clapped again and then walked off the stage leaving the two dancers alone.

In true Brittany fashion, my wife bounced up and down clapping her hands together. Her and the other dancer, a muscular black guy with awesome dreds, hugged and twirled a few times before getting down from the stage.

* * *

As Britt was walking towards us Ari quickly dropped my hand, remembering Britt's jealousy. I'm glad she remembered because I totally didn't realize how it would look. Maybe Ari felt something too.

I jumped up and rushed into B's arms, not caring about the sweat that dripped from her body, frankly, I'm used to being covered in it. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my lips so hard that I was dizzy. She looked up at Ari who was staring at her looking starstruck.

_"So what did you think Ari?"_ she said as she was getting her breathing under control. I felt so proud of B that I couldn't stop staring at her. Fucking hormones, Ari's touch had ignited something in me and I had to get it out.

_"Amazing Brittany. You are hot, I mean you are just so natural! I could watch you dance for hours! Can I have your autograph? I'm serious!"_ Ari said excitedly. Britt was beaming after that compliment.

_"How about I take you home with me instead?"_ Britt winked and I landed an elbow firmly in her side. I felt legitimately jealous and she really didn't have the history where flirting was okay. She was a cheater...it was a fact and there was no way that she was going to do it in front of me, joking or not. She laughed and started walking us to the door, ignoring my face. Ari looked at me when Britt's back was turned an winked at me. It made my heart race and I just kept my head down and followed Britt outside.

Between the two of them...God...I want both...now I know how Britt felt. The difference...I won't be fucking Ari...not matter how much I want to.

* * *

As we headed back to Sandra's, Britt and Ari talked nonstop about the dance.

The euphoria of Ari's touch and Britt's new job had worn off already and my body was feeling gross, on top of that I was nauseous. I felt the sweat causing my clothes to stick to my body. I reached over and turned the air on full blast before leaning my head on the window. I felt like shit. My morning sickness had been light since we had been limiting my access to chocolate but now it seemed to be making a comeback as we drove towards the bridge.

_"Pull over!"_ I yelled. Britt nearly crashed as she looked over at me.

_"We can't...Ana...are you okay?"_ B said suddenly noticing my distress.

_"Oh God, please, Britt?"_ I whined. Britt kept looking over at me and then hit the gas, dodging in and out of traffic until she pulled off the bridge. She pulled to the side of the road and then unbuckled my seatbelt. The moment she got the belt undone, I pushed the door open and threw up. I felt horrible, I couldn't even make it out the car. I had just missed the interior but the runner wasn't so lucky. I could feel Britt rubbing my back as I wiped at my sweaty face.

When I sat back up I could feel that there still was a sheen of sweat covering my face. Britt handed me a baby wipe from the glove box and I used it to wipe my whole face. My stomach was still rolling and I felt like I wasn't going to make it back to the house.

_"Are you okay babe?"_ Britt asked as she used another baby wipe to clean my mouth and my shirt.

_"Yea...just hot!"_ I said as my head lulled back on the seat.

_"Maybe we should get you back to bed, when we get in the house?"_

_"No, I just think I got a little two hot, I'm fine now. I just need a shower and then I should be better. It hasn't been twelve hours yet, I'm not ready to be in bed."_ I mumbled, closing my eyes and pressing my fingers to my temples.

_"Are you sure Anita? I mean we could do this another time."_ Ari said as she leaned between the seats and brushed my hair from my face. At her touch I suddenly felt cooler. That's not right.

God...please don't let me be falling for her...not now.

_"No!"_ I said aburptly pushing away her hand before Britt noticed the blush in my cheeks, _"You start classes tomorrow and will probably be too busy after you start dancing full-time and Britt starts with the show soon so this may the only chance I get to have you both at the same time." _I leaned over and slammed the door shut. When I looked back to see why we weren't moving yet, I saw thatBritt and Ari were looking at me strangely then they looked at each other before dissolving into laughter.

_"What did I miss?"_ I said as I wiped at my mouth.

_"Anita you made it sound like you wanted to you know have both of us...at the same time"_ Ari said chancing a glance at B who I noticed didn't seem too opposed to the idea...why am I not surprised? My anger came back and I buckled myself in and crossed my arms over myself, annoyed with them both.

_"Whatever horn dogs...B just drive before I get sick again."_

* * *

By the time we got back to West Chester I felt like I was going to die from nausea alone, add to that the conflicting emotions that I had going on, I just wanted to crawl in a hold and die. I felt so sick that when we got there Britt attempted to carry me but I fought her off until she gave in and just helped me walk instead.

When we walked into Sandra's my kitchen, Ari leaned into me.

_"Oh man, this makes your house back in Lima seem like a shack."_

_"I know. Pretty nice right?"_

My nausea had disappeared as she spoke against my ear but I still walked past everyone in the dining room and headed towards the stairs with nothing but a general wave. Before I climbed them, I turned to Ari and then waved towards the table.

_"Go ahead and have brunch Ari, you know Q and she will introduce you to everyone else. B come on up with me."_ This was the first time I was suggesting that B actually come shower with me in months and she perked up. I was nauseous but I was also insanely horny.

We walked through the guest room, locking the door. I grabbed Britt's hand and pulled her straight into the bathroom with me. I wasted no time as I stripped down to nothing.

I took a moment, like always, to look at myself in the long mirror on the wall. My face was fuller, my boobs were huge and my stomach had popped out more. I still looked hot just in a pregnant sort of way...which is progress because normally I would just think I looked like a fat cow and avoid mirrors for a few days. Britt pressed her naked body against my back and wrapped her hands around my belly and I shivered. Good. When our hands met I leaned back into her and sighed.

_"I missed this."_ I whispered.

_"Me too...so much."_

_"Good to hear."_

_"You are so beautiful Ana, I love you so much. I'm going to miss seeing you like this once the baby is here. You're glowing."_

_"That's just sweat but thanks B."_

_"Nah...you're like a glow worm."_

_"Yeah? I can't wait to not be pregnant."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I can't wait to have sex normally again...I want you so bad after seeing you performing. You were so fucking sexy."_

She leaned into my neck and kissed my shoulder. I wrapped a hand around the back of her head pulling her closer to me. I could feel the wetness dripping down my leg and groaned

_"Fuck...this sucks."_ she muttered in my ear.

_"For me but not for you."_

* * *

I pushed her against the wall and fell to my knees coming face to face with the scent of her. How I had gone from being sick as dog to this turned on can only be blamed on my hormones raging. And kissed her mound softly and then looked up and watched as she looked down at me enraptured. She shivered and lifted a leg and perched it on the edge of the tub so that I could have more access to her. I leaned in and sucked her clit into my mouth for the first time in more than three weeks. The first thing that I noticed what that she tasted different.

Is that possible?

_"Mmmmmm. Oh God! Ana!"_ she moaned out placing a hand on that spot on the back of my neck that drove me wild.

I moaned out and then shoved three fingers inside of her, knowing that when she touched me there she usually wanted me to be rough. _"Oh God! yes! Like that! Mmmm!"_ I could tell she was trying to be quiet but it wasn't working for her. She was moaning now at the top of her lungs and I chucked against her. She cried out loudly and kept chanting over and over "Oh God, Oh God!" as I began to spell out my entire name with my tongue and pounded my fingers into her. Her juices were sliding down my hand and across my swollen wrist. I could feel the ache there but instead of slowing down, before I knew it I slipped in another finger. _"Ohhhh shit!"_ she cried out. _"I'm so close...harder baby, faster!"_ I was getting really tired but I wasn't stopping until she came, I wanted to show her that I could give her what she needed, that she didn't need to go to the hobbit for good sex. I leaned back and looked up at her pumped my fingers as fast as I could. I watched her as she reached her peak. She had her head thrown back and was biting her lip which didn't stop her from squealing and sceaming out my name.

_"Come for me Britt!"_ I said in my most husky voice before attacking her clit with everything I had left in me. I was licking and nibbling when she screamed out. _"Santana! Yes! God! Yes! God! Yesssss!"_

She was trembling and mumbling as I pulled my drenched fingers out of her and then waited for her to look at me before I began sucking on one finger after another. She shuddered and moaned out, having a small orgasm just watching me, clean my fingers. She tasted different and it wasn't bad...just not the taste that I had gotten used to for the last three years.

_"T-That was amazing Ana!"_

She leaned down and helped me to my feet. I was dripping but I couldn't do anything about it. She leaned in and kissed me before helping me into the shower. The moments that followed were just as eventful as the moments prior. My wrist was screaming in pain but I ignored it when she bent to grab the soap that she dropped, when I shoved my fingers inside of her. I was amazed that I didn't even have to work hard because she came almost immediately.

As we cleaned ourselves, she looked at me like a love sick puppy and although my left hand felt like it was going to fall off, I knew that I had proved my point.

* * *

When we finally made it downstairs brunch was still underway. Britt and I were walking with pinkies linked and she had a goofy smile on her face. I kept my head down when I noticed that everyone turned to look at us. I acted like I didn't notice as I took a seat across from Quinn and my sisters. I was sitting next to Ari and noticed that Quinn was looking at me with a big stupid grin on her face.

She waited for Britt to take the seat next to me before she began to openly snicker.

_"So Britt...I heard that San took you to church?"_ She said with a wide grin on her face. I knew where Q was going and could feel my cheeks get hot as I filled up my plate. I tried to kick at Quinn under the table but she had been smart enough to tuck her feet away from my reach. Britt looked at her sideways, completely confused.

_"No we didn't go to church, Q...we took a shower just now."_

_"Oh really because from what we could hear down here you were calling San, God!"_ Q couldn't hold back her laughter as B realized what she was saying.

_"Y-you heard us?"_ Britt whispered, promptly turning as red as her shirt.

_"Yes and it sounded hot!"_ Ari said patting me on the back. _"That's how we do it in Lima Heights!"_ she yelled out. I choked on my juice trying to hold back my laughter. I couldn't believe that she said that!

_"It was hot."_ Britt finally smiled as she bit into a pancake. _"My wife is just amazing with her hands!"_

_"Okay that's enough...two of the people at this table happen to be related to your wife Britt and I'm sure Celia will agree...eww!" _Sandra said gagging.

My sisters both looked semi mortified. _"Sorry."_ I said. _"So is Isaac still in the nursery?"_ I continued, trying to change the subject.

I could tell that B was embarrassed and I knew that didn't want her to over think what had just happened between us.

It was the first time I touched her since before Ian died and I didn't want her thinking that she was going to get that type of treatment all the time, I just couldn't help myself. But it was NOT a free pass.

* * *

After brunch we all headed to the indoor theatre to watch a movie. I laid with my head on Britt's lap down in front. I was insanely grateful that Johnny had installed couches in there instead of individual seats because my body was protesting every moment I remained on my feet.

Ari actually sat on the other end of the couch and rubbed my swollen feet while B rubbed my head and caressed my wrist. With all the extra attention, I fell asleep before the opening credits even started.

I woke up midway through the movie because my bladder insisted that it couldn't wait another second, so I climbed up from between the two dancers and made my way out the room. As I headed up the stairs I glanced over just by chance and caught Celia and Q making out in on one of the couches, in the back. _"Get it Q!"_ I muttered, in payback for the shit she pulled at brunch.

She kept on kissing my sister but raised up her middle finger in the air. I barked out in quiet laughter and left the room. Wow...Q and my sister?

Good for Q.

After what Britt and Rachel did, she deserved a shot at happiness.

* * *

After using the first bathroom that I could find, I headed upstairs to check on my son and found Sandra breastfeeding Johnny in the nursery. I looked in the crib and there laid Isaac asleep still. He must have been really tired after his night. Britt had spent most of her time, holding him and giving him a treatment.

_"Did he wake up at all?"_ I asked my sister quietly.

_"Yea...he was awake all morning after you left I put him down just before you guys got here, he has been napping an hour at most. His lungs are still recovering...sleep helps them. Let him be."_

I nodded and sat on the rocker and just watched her. _"What does it feel like?"_ I whispered.

_"Its hard to describe. It is my favorite part of the day even though it hurts a bit. I have to start weaning him soon since he is about to be nine months and has three teeth...it will start to hurt an insane amount before long."_

_"I'm really regretting not being able to do it."_

_"I can see that. What possessed you to get a boob job at fifteen in the first place?"_

_"I don't even know...ego boost. I was still aching from my miscarriage and Marco kept making rude remarks about my boobs so I begged Papi to pay for the surgery."_

_"I can't believe he actually went for it."_

_"Are you kidding?_ _I had Papi wrapped around my finger when he was sober, it was when he was drunk when I had a problem, he also enjoyed shoveling me into Mari's lap when he could."_

_"Yeah...I'm sure that was fun for you."_

_"Oh yeah...you know how much I love her pompous husband, Saul."_

Isaac began to cry and I immediately jumped onto my feet. I went to pick him up just off instinct and then froze. Sandra looked up at me sideways and then scrunched up her face.

_"What's wrong, why aren't you picking him up?"_

_"I'm not supposed to be lifting him, doctor's orders."_ I admitted.

* * *

Sandra got up from the glider and put her son back in the crib since he was asleep already and then picked up Isaac. She rocked him slowly as she placed him down onto the changing table.

"Here you go...he smells and he wants his Mami to change him, don't you Izzy?" she looked down at him and tickled his stomach.

Isaac's blue eyes sparkled as he gave us a gummy smile. I stood next to my sister, feeling extremely giddy. I had never been so happy to change a diaper in all my life.

When he was fresh and clean, Sandra shooed me over to the rocking chair and then brought him to me. She was smiling down at me as I held him close. He was staring at me and whining a bit. I kissed his face and began to rock and sing to him. My son loves my voice, it made me so happy when I looked down at Isaac and he was smiling up at me. I leaned in and gave him a million more kisses.

I loved him so much and was so happy that he was doing better.

* * *

I must have been gone for quite awhile because Britt and Ari came looking for me, a few minutes later. Britt was smiling really big and Ari just stood there behind her with an annoyed look and rolled her eyes.

_"Ana, I have to go back into the city. Tony wants to work on a few moves with me before tomorrow morning. I'm going to take Ari back to school, okay?"_ I pouted sadly as Ari gave me a hug.

_"Hey put that lip away! I'm off for Labor Day and Johnny just invited me back over for a barbecue and to stay the weekend if I wanted. That's in like a week, so you will see me soon. I have a hall meeting tonight and I have an eight am class tomorrow."_

_"Ok, ok fine. You better not flake on us next week!"_

_"I pinky promise!"_ she held her finger out to me and I linked my finger with hers, and twisted it until she squealed. I laughed and she smiled at me before she leaned in and gave Isaac a kiss on the head _"See you next week, Niño!"_ she said before heading out the door. _"I'm going to say goodbye to Quinn, see you downstairs Brittany."_ she yelled over her shoulder.

I looked up at B and noticed that she looked like someone had punched just her in the face. She was not happy. I smiled at her but she just shook her head and walked out the room. I looked at Sandra in shock and she shrugged. What the hell just happened?

Did I miss something?


	12. Chapter 12:Bad Romance

**Chapter 12: Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)**

* * *

**_I looked up at B and noticed that she looked like someone had punched just her in the face. She was not happy. I smiled at her but she just shook her head and walked out the room. I looked at Sandra in shock and she shrugged. What the hell just happened?_**

**_Did I miss something?_**

* * *

_**Are you okay Britt Britt?-Ana**_

_**Yes-B**_

_**Why'd you leave like that?-Ana**_

_**It's no big deal.-B**_

_**Apparently it is.-Ana**_

_**Driving.-B**_

_**Fine, I'll see you later.-Ana**_

_**OK.-B**_

* * *

Sandra eventually had Johnny carry Isaac to my room so I could lay down and so now I was watching him sleep. I didn't usually like him in the bed but because I wasn't planning on sleeping so I thought it would be okay until Britt got back.

I couldn't believe that she was apparently pissed at me. What did I do?

_**Where are you?-S**_

_**Downstairs saying goodbye to Celia...she's headed to BK-Q**_

_**Can you come up when you're done?-S**_

_**Yea. Hungry?-Q**_

_**A little.-S**_

_**I'll be up in a minute.-Q**_

* * *

The moment that Quinn was in the room, I dashed to the bathroom. I had to pee so bad and was barely able to hold it. I would have just taken Isaac with me but I was really afraid to lift him, especially with my hand still throbbing from that morning.

When I got back to the room, Isaac was awake and having another one of those close moments with his godmother. He was resting on his belly next to her, raising up his head and smiling while she talked to him. I think he really just liked the sound of her voice.

I laid down on the other side of him and made that clicking noise that he likes and he turned his head towards me and smiled even bigger.

Booyah! I trumped Quinn!

_"I love you papa...Mami loves you so much!" _I said as I kissed his chubby cheek.

_"I think it's a tie Izzy. I think I love you more...but I can't argue with your Mami."_

_"Yea ok!" _I said as I rolled Isaac onto his back and handed him his fuzzy keys.

_"It's true."_

_"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Q!"_

_"Oh I sleep very well...especially lately!"_ she chuckled as she began to dangle Isaac's keys so he would squeal and reach for them.

_"Gross. Ugh...So what's going on with you and Ceily, exactly?"_

_"I don't know what you mean?"_

_"You can't be serious...where you not just swallowing each others faces? Are you being coy with me?"_

Quinn huffed and then leaned in and blew raspberries on Isaac's little belly and he let out an actual laugh, it was the cutest thing in the world. He looked up at Q and started babbling to her. She smiled back at him and then looked back up at me.

_"Celia and I spent some time together back in Lima. We ended up getting intimate and one thing led to another and here we are."_

_"Just recently?"_

_"What are you dense? Yes, it was the night before we left...I said goodbye to Puck and went back to the room and we cuddled up and began to watch another movie."_

_"And then **it** happened?"_

_"Ugh...I can't believe I'm telling you this."_

_"Well I want to know what your intentions are with my sister. So tell me you just ended up jumping each other?"_

_"We did not jump each other. That's so...vulgar. No, it was_ _after talking about our exes."_

_"So is thats why she's in New York, so you two can hook up?"_

_"Well no, I just asked her to come, I told her that you needed all the family that you could get, right now."_

_"I see...so you used me as an excuse to get some."_

_"Hey!"_

* * *

Isaac began whining as I continued to dangle the keys but he still kept reaching and grunting for them. He was getting angry so I must not have been doing it right so I finally just gave them over to him.

_"Ugh...San...here!"_ Quinn took the keys and began squeezing them, the blue made a clicking noise that made my son giggle, the green one made a boing noise and he smiled but the red one sang...there goes the laughter.

_"I didn't know they did that I swear!"_

_"That's because Celia just bought these in Chicago. His other plushy ones don't sing."_

_"Holy crap...that's amazing! Has Britt seen these?"_

_"Of course...Celia handed the gift to her."_

_"I didn't know."_

_"Yea well you have spent a lot of time alone here and in Lima, this is the first time that I have actually seen you play with Izzy since we left for Lima."_

_"I've been...preoccupied but I'm here now. Besides I'm not allowed to lift him or walk around holding him, so this is my current option, be nice."_

_"I see, well at least its better than nothing, right Izzy?"_ she said as she continued to squeeze the keys.

_"Hey, don't judge me!"_

_"I'm not...sorry...I'm just a little bitter after that comment that Britt made yesterday."_

_"She didn't mean it."_

_"I know...but...it still stung."_

_"Sorry."_

_"No...I don't want to hear that from you. It's fine."_

* * *

_"So are you like dating my sister now? Dying to be a Lopez that badly?"_

_"I guess so but I haven't asked her to be one yet. And I mean who wouldn't want to be one of us?"_ Celia said as she walked into the room. The moment Q looked up at my sister she got all giggly and smirked.

_"I thought you left?" _she whispered, like she was afraid that Ceily would disappear.

_"I got to the bridge and turned around. The investors can wait."_

_"Awww...baby!" _Quinn said all dreamy eyed. I rolled my eyes and gagged_. _

_"Look what you did Ceily, you have my friend creaming her panties!"_

Isaac squealed in my ear and I jumped a bit. I looked at him and scowled but he smiled and I began to assault him with kisses again. I began squeezing the keys and enjoying his giggles, completely ignoring the love birds in the room.

_"On that note, little sis and nephew dearest I'm taking Q home and uh...yeah...I'll come back to see you tomorrow night for dinner."_ Celia leaned in and kissed my cheek and then Isaac's before leaving.

_"Wait! Q!" _I yelled out before she left the room. She nearly collided with the wall as she whipped back around and glared at me.

_"What is it?"_

_"Be good to my sister!"_

_"I'm always good!"_ She winked and shut the door.

I groaned at the mental image and turned back to my son, hoping to erase the thought of Quinn getting it on with my older sister.

* * *

Isaac was staring up at me and I looked into his eyes and it was almost like looking into Ian's eyes. It made me tear up and I quickly wiped away the useless emotion.

_"I miss your godfather so bad! Your Dada."_ Isaac gurgled and started babbling incoherently. _"I still can't believe that he's gone. We will be just fine though all four of us...me and you and mama and the new baby. Just fine I promise."_

I laid on my side with my back to the door as I murmured stories about Ian to his son. He was looking at me with sleepy eyes but he seemed to be paying attention to what I was saying.

Do babies this young understand? _  
_

I had to look it up when I got the chance.

Isaac's babbling was quickly turning into that quiet murmuring he does when he's sleepy. I laid on my back and pulled him onto my chest. I rubbed his back and sung to him. I learned quickly that my voice soothes him above anything else. So I began to sing Songbird to him.

It made me happy that he trusted me so completely with his comfort. His breathing slowed and he soon fell asleep. I ran my fingers through his black curls over and over again. I felt my eyes start to droop and decided that maybe I should lay Isaac down next to me. I turned to my side and laid him on his back. He remained sleeping as I draped an arm over him.

* * *

I must have slept awhile because I woke up a while later to Britt standing over the bed with her phone. She smiled as she took pictures of me and Isaac. I looked down and saw that Isaac was cuddled against my baby bump still asleep.

_"When did you get here?"_ I whispered.

_"Just a few minutes ago. I was about to go get a bottle for him and some food for you. Are you hungry?"_

_"Starving, Q was supposed to bring me food earlier but she forgot."_ I said honestly.

_"Ok, I'll be right back."_ she smirked and then left me alone in the room again. I was wide awake now so I pulled myself into a sitting position and lifted Isaac onto my lap.

That small action sent shooting pains down my back and I let out a low groan. It was then that I realized how serious the doctor was when she told me not to lift anything. Britt of course chose that moment to walk into the room, so I wasn't even able to hide the pain.

_"Are you alright babe?"_ Britt came rushing over to me while carrying a plate in one hand and a bottle in the other. I tried to push my pain away and force a smile but she wasn't buying it. I watched as she quickly emptied her hands and stood next to me and began to rub my back.

_"I'm okay, B, really."_ I said as I ran my hands through Isaac's hair again.

_"You overdid it when you picked him up, didn't you?"_

It felt silly that I had felt the need to keep the pain from her, what an insanely vicious cycle.

_"Yea...kind of."_ I muttered as I looked down at my sleeping baby.

_"I'm going to feed him, okay? Do you mind if I take him? I want you to get up and walk around the room a little. Your back pain went away earlier when you started to walk around."_

She'd been paying attention?_  
_

* * *

I nodded and then held out my arms so that she could take Isaac, look how far we had come in a day and a half!

Once she had him tucked against her chest with one arm she stood there with the other arm out so that I could grab onto it. I placed my hand on her and slowly pulled myself to my feet.

The shooting pains were beginning to dull and I was able to let go of Britt without fear of falling backwards. She kept her hand out a moment longer just in case I needed the extra help.

_"I'm okay, my legs just felt a little like jello for a moment there, but I'm fine now."_

_"I feel like that after a really long dance session, here, put your hands on my hips and walk with me while I feed Izzy."_

I shuffled behind her and stuck my hands in the front pocket of her jeans. I could feel my belly touch her back as I leaned into her, resting my head on her back.

She sighed softly when I touched her and I knew that she was thinking pleasant thoughts about us and it made me feel good that my touch was doing that for her again.

Britt waited until I was situated securely behind her and she slowly began to walk out the room and down the hallway.

* * *

_"So, B, how did your time with Tony go?"_

_"Oh, it went great! I really like him. He has been trying to get on Broadway for seven years."_

_"Wow and you walked right in there and nailed it on your first try. I'm so proud of you baby."_ I mumbled into her back, taking deep breaths as I focused on my footsteps.

_"Yea me too, I'm proud that I could do that. I didn't think that I would ever be doing something like this, I didn't think it was even possible. I'm really excited about it. It's going to be a lot of hard work but at least I won't have to go so far away to live out my dreams."_

_"That's the best part! Now I can be your personal cheerleader and I can be apart of your dream."_

Britt stopped as we approached the end of the long hallway. I was expecting her to say something or do something but she just stood there looking at the wall.

_"B, did I say something wrong?"_

_"No. It's just that...Ana, you are my biggest dream of all. I was stupid to think that making my dreams come true without you by my side would be enough. I belong wherever you are, I know that now."_

I kissed her on her back just below her neck and smiled to myself.

_"Promise?"_ I whispered.

_"Yes...I promise, with all my heart!"_ she said before clearing her throat and turning us in the opposite direction.

* * *

We made our way into the nursery stopping at the changing table. I stepped around her so that I was leaning my back against her after Britt had laid Isaac down and then reached her hands upward trying to stretch. She rested her head on my shoulder and then yawned again.

_"I'll change him B. Why don't you get his pjs? Okay?"_ she nodded against my shoulder and then yawned again as she took a step towards the little dresser that Sandra kept for him.

I stripped Isaac down and began to change him, I had become a pro at changing him while he was still asleep. It also helped that he always slept so peacefully. I laid a hand on his chest and was happy to feel how clear his lungs still were.

We worked as a team as Britt handed me his clean pjs while I handed her the dirty clothes. When I was finished getting him dressed, Britt came back and scooped him up in her arms and held him up so that I could give him my millions of kisses before walking over to the crib. I smiled as I watched her slow dance to the crib with him. She hummed as she laid him down and turned on soothing sounds machine that Ian had bought him.

Sandra had gone out and gotten Isaac a crib the day that she decided that I would be staying for awhile. It was gracious of her.

* * *

I stood there against the changing table rubbing my hands over my little belly while listening to the sounds of Britt humming and of the sound of a heartbeat playing. I had my eyes closed when I felt Britt wrap her arms around my waist and start to rock me gently in her arms.

It's in those sappy moments when I'm wrapped in Britt's arms, that this miserable stinking world just falls away and it's just us, it's those moments that I treasure the most. She is everything that is good, innocent and pure at least in my eyes. Even with all of Britt's missteps along the way I know for a fact that she is still all that I could want and all that I could ever need.

_"I love you Britt Britt."_

_"I love you too babe."_ she whispered in my ear. She kissed my cheek and then bent down and lifted me up so that I was cradled in her arms, like Isaac.

_"Crap, B...I almost pissed myself...warn me next time"_ I chuckled quietly against her ear, knowing that there were two sleeping babies in the same room.

* * *

Britt carried me back to the room and lightly put me down onto the bed before kissing me. She took my breath away as she ran her hands up and down my sides while leaning over me. When she pulled back, I looked up at her and just smiled like an idiot.

I eventually I sat back against the headboard with my head nodding a bit, I was feeling really sleepy.

_"You can't sleep yet, you need to eat babe."_ Britt said bringing the plate over to me. She plopped down beside me crossing her ankles and shuffling closer until she sat flush against my side.

I picked at the peanut butter and banana sandwich not really wanting to eat it even though I had told Britt just that morning that was all I wanted today.

_"I can't believe that you remembered this...with all the stuff that went on today and me making pinky promises with someone else you still remembered what I was craving?"_ I felt the tears prick my eyes as I looked at B and could see that she looked flustered but quickly tried to cover it up with a smile.

_"Um...of course I did. I pay attention to everything you say. When I'm on my meds I have like super human Santana mind reading powers. I may get loopy with everything else but with you its different."_

_"Is that right?"_ I said as I savored the salty sweet of the sandwich.

_"Yup and you have it too...just like you knew without me saying that I was hurt by the whole pinky thing."_

_"Yea but you know that I didn't mean to hurt you, right?"_ I said, leaning my head onto her shoulder. _"It was harmless...Ari taught me about pinky promises one day in a communion class, they started with her."_

_"I figured... I mean that's what she told me too."_

I sat up from her shoulder and looked at B feeling a mix of emotions blooming in me, she shrugged and held out her pinky to me. I wrapped mine around hers and pulled it to my lips.

_"You asked her about it?"_

_"No she brought it up actually. She noticed my expression when she did it but apparently she didn't want to make a big deal about it in front of Sandra, she told me that you two used to make the promise and then whoever squeezed the hardest was the more honest of the two...how you always won. She says she let you win though."_

_"Yea of course she did."_

_"I like her...I just get a little jealous that you had this whole life before me while I just danced and cheered and stuff as a kid. I feel so stupid being with you sometimes but especially around your family and friends."_

I put my empty plate on the nightstand and then turned to her and opened up my arms.

_"Come here, B."_

She looked up at me with watery eyes and then leaned into my embrace. I hadn't held her in a very long time so I knew that this meant a lot to her. She rested her hand against my little baby bump and I laid my hand on top of hers. I wanted her to feel all the love that I had to offer, her.

I wanted to be her peace.

* * *

_"Britt Britt, I need you to understand something...this is really important. Are you listening?"_ she laid her head down onto my legs and turned herself in my lap so that she was looking up at me with her face pressed against my stomach. I smiled as I looked down into Britt's sparkling blue eyes and saw her try and smile at me.

_"Okay...I'm listening."_ she mumbled.

I nodded and then ran one hand across her head and the other I used to brush away the tears that were coming from her eyes.

_"You are the most amazing women that I have ever met. You are everything that is good and decent in this world. You are smart and beautiful. When you dance it's like the heavens are opening. I love you wholly and completely. It's my dream come true to build a future with you. I know that we made a shit load of mistakes but we can be better. We can make everything work again, I have so much faith in us."_

_"You really mean that?"_

_"I really, really do. I want us to make this marriage work, I want you to live your out dreams and I want us to find our place in this world together."_

_"I want that too."_

_"Yeah? How bad?"_

* * *

_"I want to marry you again Ana, for real this time. A real wedding."_

_"Can we wait until after the baby gets here? I want to look sexy in my dress."_

_"Um...okay...but we will do it, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"So can I have my ring back?"_

_"Do you really want it?"_

_"I do...I miss it."_ Britt held up her empty ring finger and showed me her tan line.

_"Okay. I will give it back...soon."_

_"What? You're going to make me wait?"_

_"Um...yes. I want it to be special. I want you to work for it a little more."_

Britt crawled up onto my lap and straddled my waist. She grabbed the sides of my face and leaned into my lips and kissed me with all the passion that she could muster.

I leaned into the kiss and tried to savor all of the sweetness that she was trying to show me.

A loud cry pierced the air, it was the baby monitor. B went to climb off of me but then we heard Sandra's voice. _"I have him...I'm over here feeding Johnny the light woke him up. Sorry, Goodnight ladies."_

* * *

_"So how about now?"_ B whispered against my lips, after re-situating herself in my lap.

_"Your sweet lady kisses are good and all Britt Britt but not good enough. I want something much more important."_

She sat back and pouted at me but I just smiled and kissed her lips. She kissed my neck and whispered against my ear before nibbling on it.

_"I'll do anything."_

_"Anything?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'll keep that in mind. Let's go to bed for now, you have to leave early in the morning."_

_"Ugh...you aren't going to tell me, are you?"_ she groaned as she leaned into my lips

_"Nope...up, up, I have to pee."_ I said as I pushed myself up from the bed.

I bolted for the bathroom just as I was about to pee myself for the first time since I was five. I sat there for a few minutes after I was done and just thought about what I needed to do to set things right.

It would take some serious planning but with nothing to do while on bed rest and Britt working, I had nothing but time on my hands. There was only so much I could do for Isaac without help during the day.

This would be perfect.

* * *

_"Ana baby? Are you okay in there? Why is the door locked?"_

Those words brought me back to myself, back to a time where I was dumb enough to compromise my baby, my marriage and my life for a good high. Back to when I promised that while she was in the next room, I would never lock a door between us.

Things were different now, I was sober and now I was working on fixing other things, like the rift in my marriage.

_"Ana?"_ I had drifted off again until I heard her voice beginning to sound a little frantic. I stood up and unlocked the door and then I walked over to the sink and began to wash my hands.

I looked at my reflection and saw the glow in my skin, the meat under my skin, the fat that filled my cheeks that usually disgusted me. Most days I feel really fat and gross but in that moment I felt radiant.

Thankfully.

* * *

_"You are so beautiful."_ I heard Britt's voice again, this time from right behind me. I looked over to see that she stood in the doorway smiling sweetly at me. _"Come to bed baby."_

I nodded and walked over to her, leaning up into her lips. She smiled as she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me against her until there was no more space between us.

It felt so good to be snuggled up against her.

So right.

When we climbed into the bed and got under the covers I snugged into Britt's side and laid my head on her chest. It was my favorite non sexual position. I listened to her heart beat and feel asleep to the sweetest humming, I could imagine.

In the moments when B and I allow all the extra drama to fade away, I am able to truly appreciate our love.

* * *

I woke up to Isaac babbling in his crib and to the monitor crackling as Britt talked to Isaac.

_"Okay, Izzy...be a good boy for Mami today. Titi Sandra is going to look after you today so that Mami can get some extra rest. I will be home for lunch! Mama loves you!"_

I heard the soft thumping of his sound machine and then the door creaking shut.

A few seconds later the door to our bedroom creaked open and I closed my eyes trying my best to pretend that I was still asleep. I felt the bed dip and then my head was being lifted up and even then I pretended I was asleep.

_"Quinn is right, you are such a bad faker! You know you mumble constantly in your sleep and then you snore a little too!"_ my eyes flew open.

_"I do not snore!"_ I whined.

_"I know...but you do mumble. Good morning Ana."_ she said before planting a big sloppy kiss on my lips. _"I will see you in a few hours. Wish me luck!"_

_"You don't need it, B. You dance better than you walk. This is going to be easy."_

_"I know but I didn't want to sound stuck up."_ she grinned as she kissed me again. I pulled her down and snuggled into her again for another moment. I giggled as she peppered my face with more kisses and then pulled away. _"Okay, I gotta go now or I may never leave!"_

_"Knock em dead B!"_ I shouted after her, she abruptly turned to look at me and I could see that her face was scrunched up in mock horror.

_"Why would I do that, that's just cruel."_ she chuckled.

_"Hey...did you take your meds?"_

_"Yup! Set an alarm on my phone. Te amo!"_

_"Hasta luego Amor! Te quiero tanto!"_ I said blowing her a kiss. She caught it and put in her bra, then winked before closing the door.

God, I loved her like this!

* * *

I fell asleep soon after B left but wasn't able to stay that way for long because my phone started ringing. I ignored it both times that it rang hoping that they would get the point but the moment that I started to doze off, it rang again. _"What the fuck!"_ I moaned and then I grabbed my phone and brought it under the covers with me.

_"Yes!"_ I grumbled into the phone.

_"Santana? I waited as late as I could. I know you aren't a morning person but this cant wait any longer."_

_"Ugh! Can I call you right back?"_

_"Um...ok, but this is insanely important I need you to assure me that you will call me right back."_

_"I will. Just let me get up, please?"_

_"Great. I look forward to hearing from you shortly."_

_"Yea." _I said as I canceled the call and tossed the phone onto the bed._  
_

I climbed out of bed and trudged into the bathroom feeling bitter and hateful. Even though I had been wide awake when B had left, now after two hours of sleeping I was groggy and cranky. I quickly went through my morning routine and then put my hair up. Something about my old regulation ponytail calmed me down when I was nervous. I hated these kind of phone calls, they always ended up fucking up my day.

* * *

_"You actually called me back."_

_"I told you that I would. I like to believe that I am a woman of my word. These days at least."_ I sat cross legged on bed and pulled my laptop into my lap and checked my email since I was up, I always had my laptop at the read during these calls figuring that I might need it.

_"So Salvatore tell me why you are calling me."_

_"Wow, you are just like your father getting right down to business. I like that about you, you don't waste my time."_

_"Aw thanks...now come on. Don't stress me out unnecessarily."_

_"Okay. I had a talk with Hector this morning."_ he cleared his throat but I cut him off before he continue.

_"As in my Padrino, Hector Rivera?"_

_"Yes. His officers made two arrests last night. Megan Perkins and Thomas Flanagan. Ingrid has been placed in foster care pending a hearing." _

My heart dropped.

Please God, let her be okay!

_"Um, ok I can understand why they would arrest Ian's uncle but his mom?"_

* * *

I heard Sal sigh and then he cleared his throat again, I could tell that he probably was resting his hand against his temple. He sounded tired and frustrated.

_"At the funeral you gave Ingrid a note from Ian, correct?"_

_"Yes. That was over a week ago, though. Why?"_

_"Mrs. Perkins found it last night and physically assaulted Ingrid breaking her arm and a few ribs in the process. She then left her daughter there and went to church. Ironically. After Ingrid was left alone, broken and bleeding, her uncle sexually assaulted her. She thankfully managed to get away before her mother came home. She stumbled into Breadstix so that someone could call the police...she didn't trust the neighbors to call anyone so she walked the two blocks to the restaurant and passed out in the reception area."_

I sat there with tears dripping down my face. Un fucking believable!

_"Is she going to be okay? Fuck! Of course not who would be! Shit!"_

_"The doctors say she is going to make a full physical recovery. Her mental state though...will probably suffer."  
_

_"Fuck!" _all I could think about was her sweet face._  
_

_"Santana, back to the business at hand, have you opened the letter from Ian?"_

_"Shit! I totally got so wrapped up in everything else that I completely forgot. Wait...what does that have to do with anything? What does this all have to do with me?" _

My heart was racing.

_"I think you should read that letter. I have a call to make. Give me a call back after you've read it then we can go from there."_

* * *

I nodded and hung up the phone feeling so erratic. My emotions were all over the place as I furiously texted B.

**_When can you come home?-Ana_**

**_Is evrytng ok?-B_**

**_I'm not sure...-Ana_**

**_I gt ot erly 2dy, ws grbbn hot choc. w/ Tony. Do u need me? Did u eat?-B_**

**_Yes, I need you. No I didn't eat. Call me if you can?-Ana_**

* * *

No sooner had I sent the text, my phone started to ringing. I was so happy when I saw her silly picture appear, it warmed my heart and calmed me just a fraction.

_"Baby whats wrong?" _She sounded worried. To make matters worse_, _I began sobbing the moment that I heard her voice. _"Ana what is it? Are you okay? Is it Isaac? You're scaring me."_

_"Can you come home please?"_

_"I'm on my way. Are you hungry?"_

_"I-I don't know."_

_"Okay I'm getting on the highway. I'll be there in about twenty minutes."_

_"Okay!"_ I sniffled as I hung up.

I climbed from the bed and them remembered and ran back. My back began to throb, Shit!

_"B?"_

_"Honey I'm in the car, I'm coming."_

_"I need you to stop at home."_

_"At the house? What? Ana I was headed onto the bridge. Hold on a sec. Fuck you too buddy!...um...Okay...I'm turning around."_ I could hear the screeching of tires and cringed. _"Okay I'm headed towards the house...what do you need?"_

_"Go into my carry on suitcase and look for the envelope addressed to me. It says either Santana or Mami...not sure which right now. It's Ian's suicide note. Bring it. Please."_

_"Um...okay. Anything else?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Ok, anything baby...remember? I promised you anything."_

_"Egg white omelet on multi-grain bread with ketchup and apple juice."_

_"Ok, you got it baby. I'll be there soon. I love you!"_

_"I love you too B!"_

* * *

While I waited for Britt I got a quick shower and then headed down the hallway to see my son, hoping that holding him would make me feel better. When I entered the room I saw that Sandra sat in her glider holding Isaac while giving him a breathing treatment.

Really? Why now?

He hadn't needed one since he got home.

_"Oh no, what happened?"_

_"I took the boys out for a walk. When we got back Isaac was wheezing and coughing. So when I got here I didn't want to bother you...so I am taking care of it."_

_"You don't have to do that San...he's my son."_

_"And my nephew. You are dealing with your own stuff so that you can be the best and healthiest mom to him. Johnny and I agreed that we would help you look after Isaac while you and Brittany figured your stuff out. I meant it. If this is what it takes for you to get it together without turning to drugs and alcohol than I will do what I can. You would do the same for me, right?"_

_"Yes, I would."_

_"Good...now go wait for Britt. She called me frantic...asking me to check on you. You were in the shower, I see that you are able to walk and not bleeding to death. So go wait for her, she's on her way."_

I leaned in and kissed my boy and then kissed my sister on the cheek.

_"Ok, Papa, Mami will be back in a little bit. Love you Isaac!"_ he opened his drowsy eyes for a second, looked at me with Ian's eyes and then closed them again.

I felt like someone squeezed my heart in my chest.

As I walked back to my room I heard screeching tires from outside.

Britt was here.

I waited for her at the top of the stairs. My heart was racing, reminding me of my first high. I tried to take deep breaths but the panic attack was hitting me hard.

I held onto the railing and pushed through the pain in my chest that was going straight through to my back.

I closed my eyes and I tried humming...something Q had taught me to do. It was beginning to work as I heard sneakers pounding up the stairs and the blackness that almost claimed me was fading.

I was just hoping things wouldn't get much worse.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to end it there but...what can I say...two chapter in one day isn't so bad!)**


	13. Chapter 13:The Good Fight

**Chapter 13: The Good Fight (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

**_I was just hoping things wouldn't get much worse._**

* * *

_"Ana?"_

I opened my eyes as my breathing slowed and there was B standing in front of me with her short shorts, tank top and converses. I released the tight grip that I had on my chest and I held my pinky out. She looked anxious but quickly grabbed it with hers. I didn't smile or speak, I just pulled her into our room and shut the door.

Britt dropped the stuff on the bed and then turned to look me. She stood with her arms wide open. I collapsed into her and allowed her envelope me in her arms.

_"It's going to be okay babe, no matter what it is. I promise that I will make it okay."_ she whispered. Listening to the calm assurance that she was giving me made my emotions go all wacky. I had started crying again and was quickly soaking the front of her shirt. _"Are you still hungry?"_ she asked, as she led me to sit down on the bed.

_"Yes...very." _

_"So what do you want me to do, what do you need?"_

_"I need you to read me that letter to me while I eat. Please?"_

_"You haven't read it?"_ Her eyes opened wide as she looked at me in shock. I shook my head as I opened up the brown paper bag that sat in my lap. She climbed up on the bed until she reached her usual spot next to me and then sat against the headboard.

_"I just couldn't bring myself to read it."_

_"Why now?"_

_"I will tell you after you finish reading it."_

_"Um...okay."_ she nodded looking down at the envelope nervously. She was probably wondering if this was a test of some sort since she promised me anything and honestly, I wish that it was but this was about Tori. This was about Ian's little sister that had just suffered something that nobody should ever have to go through.

I opened my apple juice slowly and then chugged half of it. The sweetness calmed my nerves and helped me to smile a little bit. I opened my sandwich and began to devour it as I watched my wife. Britt held the envelope in her hands a second longer before slowly opening it.

She really did seem just as nervous as I was.

* * *

_"Dear Santana_

_I know that you're pissed about this and I don't blame you if the tables were turned I would be pissed off too. The day you drove away from Lima I tried to be a man about it. _

_Brittany has your heart and I accepted that...I guess what I can't accept is my fear that she is going to break your heart over and over again and I wont be around to mend it. Im sorry. Know that I loved you so deeply that I would do anything for you. _

_When you love someone enough that you are willing to do anything for them it gets dangerous when it isn't returned, you get reckless. I got in so many fights with my mother after you left. She wants to take Isaac away from you and the new baby too. She has it all planned out...don't trust her. When my dad died I was a kid still and my mom was pregnant with my brother Ivan...he was still born. She lost it after that, I reminded her of what she lost __I moved in with my Da when my mom kept beating me for not being my Ivan. She nearly killed me. _

_When I went to live in Chicago she took up with Thomas...she made me call him uncle. She had Ingrid (Tori) with him. He is a basket case and has been after Tori since she learned to walk but he was waiting for her to hit puberty. He openly admitted it to me one night as he had me bent over and was raping me. He's disgusting and perverted. _

_When Da died I was forced to move back with my mom...Tori was 8. I protect her the best I can. Tori got her period a few months ago and I know that bastard is going to go for her. I would rather die than see her be hurt. This is why I couldn't move to New York. If I kill myself there is a greater chance to save her. I know that you are smart enought to know though that this isn't my only reason. I just couldn't bare life anymore. My mind is too dangerous...I need to be free, to be at peace. Just save my sister...please. Let her be there for the kids...for you. Save her from a fate worse than death._

_As an aside...please let Sal know that I sign my rights over to the new baby, I don't want my mom anywhere near my kids. I don't even want her to touch them or breathe on them. When I go, please still love me. please pray for me. _

_You are going to be amazing as a lawyer, don't give up on your dreams, even for your wife. Love Brittany with your all and maybe someday she will deserve you. Most of all love the lives we created with your life...keep them happy and safe and if it's a boy...name him for my Da...it was his dying wish and now it is mine. Name him Daniel. I love you always...simply and truly only you Mami and I wouldn't have it any other way. Peace be with you all the days of your long life! _

_Te amo Ian"_

* * *

My sandwich was on the bed beside me untouched as I cried into my hands as she read to me. Even though it was her voice in my head it was Ian that I heard and I found myself regretting putting the letter off.

He knew me better than I gave him credit for, I let that woman touch my son, I let Tori go back to that house without a second thought. I knew from the look in her eyes and from the look in that bastard's eyes that something had happened. I knew she was afraid. Why the fuck had I waited so long. It had been over a week since the funeral and I had left her there.

I was a wreck.

As I sat there crying I could feel my whole body including my belly, trembling. I placed a hand underneath it and rubbed it with the other. I continued to sob feeling like I hadn't mourned enough. Britt finished the letter and remained speechless as she put the letter down on the nightstand. She looked so pale and withdrawn as she threw my cold sandwich into the trash and then pulled me into her arms. I could feel that her face was wet as it touched my neck and wondered what part of the letter had hit her the hardest.

Britt slowly pulled us down until we were curled around each other on the mattress. I laid there cradled in her arms and continued to cry my heart out. I was thankful for Britt as she hummed in my ear and pulled me even closer to her. After awhile, I took a couple of deep breaths and then finally told her all about Sal and what he had found out.

After I finished spilling my guts about how I felt and what I felt guilty for, we laid in silence a whileuntil I couldn't put off the phone call any longer.

I stayed laying on my side as I picked up my phone. I curled as deep as I could into B's embrace and then hit the call button and put the phone on speaker because I knew that no matter what happened Britt and I were in this together.

* * *

_"Santana?"_

_"And Brittany, you're on speakerphone. Sorry it took so long Sal."_ I said trying to sound as normal as possible.

_"Hello Brittany."_

_"Oh hey Sal."_ Brittany muttered.

_"So, I'm sure that you are confused with what's going on. With Ingrid specifically. She asked the court to consider letting her be adopted by the two of you and of course you know that its unorthodox to place her with non family members, but aside from her mother and Thomas she has no one else. The court wants to exercise all options to get her placed somewhere and if you two agree that you want to take her on, then you need to let me know, I know that your life is out there in New York and you are on bed rest, so I will do everything that I can to make sure that you get what you need done."_

I pulled Britt's arms tighter around me and took a deep breath. The answer was a simple one and I knew that B would agree with me. There was no way that we were going to just let this girl be out there in the system with God knows who.

_"We will do it, Sal. Get the paperwork going."_ I said anxiously. _"If we can save her than we will."_

I turned my head to look at B and she nodded her assent. Our little family just kept getting bigger...my support network was becoming more concrete and now it would include another blood tie for my children.

_"Great! Okay, so I just had my assistant book me a flight out to you, I need a copy of that letter and I need you to sign some things, the both of you."_

_"Okay Sal. Let us know when you are set get in so that Johnny's driver can come get you."_

* * *

When we hung up the phone I turned completely around in Britt's arms so that we were face to face. Her face was red and her cheeks were swollen but the look in those blue eyes, told me how sad she was. I ran a hand over her face and then cupped her cheek as I leaned in to kiss her. Her lips pressed against mine desperately as she pulled me closer to her. I threw my leg over her hip and my arm over her side and then pulled my face back to look back in her eyes.

_"How are you feeling about this B?"_

_"It makes sense, it's like you are saving a teenage Santana. It will be good to have her here with us. She can be a kid again. We have the space at home...plus it's what Ian wanted."_

_"It is. I think she will have better opportunities with us. Are you excited?"_

_"I am."_

_"Good."_

_"I'm going to work hard, just so you know."_

_"Huh?"_

_"What Ian said, about me deserving you? He was right. I don't deserve you. Nothing that I have done shows that I am worthy of all the chances that you give me but I'm going to fight to prove to you that I deserve you."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Absolutely. I am going to stick by you through this and we will come out stronger together."_

_"I'm happy to hear that."_ I said as I leaned in and kissed her again. She smiled and then caressed my face.

_"I'm happy that you called me, instead of Quinn."_

_"Me too."_

_"So we are really doing this?"_

_"Yep! There is so much we need to do."_ I said as my stomach let out a loud growl and I flinched in pain.

_"Yes, but obviously_ _none of them are more important than you eating breakfast."_

We climbed out of the bed and headed downstairs with our pinkies linked. My heart felt freer and my soul was feeling complete.

* * *

For a Monday morning the table was pretty full and it made me really happy. Family was really important to me and so to see them all sitting around laughing and joking it made me feel so whole. Inlcuding Johnny and Sandra there sat Celia, my sister Damariz, her husband Saul and Q.

_"Wow! Look who is up on her feet today!"_ Q said before biting into her bacon.

I sat down next to Celia and looked over at Q and smiled. She had trimmed her hair and spiked it a bit, I liked it. She also had on a really normal non church like outfit and it looked really good on her.

_"Wow, you look hot Q. Banging my sister is really agreeing with you."_ she choked on her juice and Britt slapped her back a few times.

_"Why me? Someone please tell me how I always end up at a table full of lesbians?"_ Sandra said with a frown. Damariz let out a huge bark of laughter and leaned against her husband who was actually cracking a smile. Shocker!

_"Well actually I'm bicurious."_ B said with a look of seriousness. The laughter after that statement was monumental. Saul actually laughed out loud this time and I thought I was going to faint. He is usually super serious and staute like. The mannequin that I once made out with was happier than him, so this was a wellcome change.

_"But you are married to my sister so that means you are off limits to guys and girls so now you are a lesbian. I need to get Damariz or even Brenda to come over more. I feel outnumbered!"_

_"Oh cry me a fucking river Sandra! You and I both know that back in Bayamon you had that thing with Marisa Calderon! Right Mari?"_ Celia barked out. Mari nodded her head and then added her two cents.

_"Yep! Mami walked in on her in between your legs." _Mari smiled huge as Sandra scowled at her.

_"What?"_ I sat there wide eyed looking at my older sister as her face went pale and she began stuffing her face with eggs.

_"Yup...Sandra was about to graduate and go off to college, Mami caught her told Papi and she got cut off...then she ran off to the Marines. She was the example that we got if we stepped out of line. Right Mari?"_

_"Oh God...when she found about you Ana, she said that it was a curse on the Lopez side of the family. She still doesn't know about Ceily though."_

I felt so overwhelmed...did this mean that Sandra was gay?

_"San...I don't understand? You love Johnny, right?"_ I said still too shocked to focus on anything else. I looked at Johnny who was casually cutting into his pancakes and not looking up at anyone. He probably knew this already but when I asked my questions he looked over at my sister and waited for an answer.

_"I do love my husband. I have plenty of amazing sex with him. I am not gay. That was just two girls fucking around. I was curious...that's it!" _she said as she leaned in and kissed Johnny on the lips.

_"Okay...if you're sure, but I know that my curiousness totally gave me the hots for Santana."_ Britt said with that serious look again. I patted her thigh and shook my head so she would stop talking.

I could see that this conversation had taken an ugly turn and Sandra was quickly throwing up her walls. I wasn't going to let anyone make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, even her sisters. I cleared my throat and looked around.

_"So on a different topic...things are changing with me and Britt, again."_ That statement turned all the attention towards me and Sandra immediately took that opportunity to excuse herself and Johnny from the table.

She looked back at me and winked and I winked back.

* * *

_"So, we may be adopting Ian's little sister, Tori."_ Britt said nonchalantly. Sandra paused and walked back to the table with Johnny's hand clenched in hers. I knew what she wanted to know.

_"This was a decision that both Britt and I made together, Sandra. We are both excited to be able to help her. She just got put in foster care. Her mom and Uncle are both in jail. She was raped by that asshole...her mom broke her arm. She needs the stability." _I said matter of factly.

_"Oh and you think you can give her that."_ Q said raising her eyebrow. I felt cornered by her words but I knew her question was justified so I wasn't about to snap at her. I did want to assure her though but Britt cut me off.

_"Hold on Q, don't you fucking come down on Santana. She stopped the drugs, she is taking her life and health seriously. If anything has been unstable in her life it's me. I cheated on her with Frankie and Rachel for months, I lied...I did everything that I could to break us apart and she still held it together. She is going to make a difference Tori's life."_

_"I'm not arguing that San can't do this, I know that she can but don't you think that you are taking on too much, right now? San is pregnant, Isaac is barely five months old and you two are just figuring shit out between you. It just doesn't seem like the right time."_ Q said as she stared down my wife. I opened my mouth to speak but Britt cut me off again.

_"Life doesn't work out that way Quinn. Just because you can give up your baby and not give a damn where she is and how she is doing or who may be hurting her, doesn't mean me and Ana can do that. Tori needs us now not at some perfect right time in the far away future. Now is the only time she has! So just back the fuck off!"_

* * *

I looked between my wife and my best friend in shock. How had this gotten so ugly? What the hell just happened?

_"B calm down. I just care about you guys. You didn't need to stoop so low and bring up Beth. I don't bring up Frankie or my ex girlfriend Rachel that you fucked, every chance I get but you are constantly bringing up me giving up Beth. It's really fucked up and as much as I do to hold your marriage together you should be thanking me!"_ Quinn had come around the table, so now her and Britt were standing in each other faces.

This was beyond ridiculous. I knew that I should do something but how was I supposed to stop it? Everytime I went to speak Britt cut me off and if they started fighting I really didn't want to get caught in the middle.

I was really hungry and didn't feel like parenting them so I piled pancakes onto my plate instead.

_"Ana, really, you aren't going to do anything?"_ Celia said as she stood up and pulled Q back from Britt.

I began cutting up my food and pouring syrup on top, still ignoring them, and when Celia bumped my chair and I hit my stomach on the table, I whipped around and glared.

_"No Ceily. They are adults. Besides you guys are always bitching about how I never eat enough, so I'm eating!"_ I snapped as I began to shove food into my mouth.

* * *

They kept staring each other down and it was distracting so I finally stood up and placed a hand on B's back and she took a step back.

_"Britt, babe...it's okay. Please let's sit back down and eat. I don't want to spoil our day plus Sal will be here soon and I want to be ready for him."_

Britt nodded and sat down again. Quinn though, had tears in her eyes as she sat down back down across from B. I continued to eat my food and when I was done I piled on more.

Where before I was insanely nauseous I now felt hungry...ravenous almost. I had just polished off my sixth pancake, while the table remained silent and finally feeling full.

I sat back and looked up at everyone. Sandra looked at me and smiled as she carried Isaac into the room.

_"Someone kept babbling, so I brought him down, who wants him?" Sandra asked, as she stood at the head of the table._

_"Can I have him?"_ I said quietly.

* * *

I held Isaac in my lap and faced him towards the table. He was holding his head up now and was now more aware of his surroundings.

Britt looked from the baby to me and her face lit up. She had an idea brewing.

_"What's up B?"_

_"Next week Isaac will be five months we should do something to celebrate."_

_"You think?"_

_"Yea, it would be great. We could have a big din-"_ B stopped mid sentence and reached for her phone that had started just ringing. When she saw the screen she got a strange look in her eyes. _"Hello? Um...hey...hold on a sec. I'll be back."_

Britt excused herself and headed up the stairs. I watched her leave and then looked down at Isaac not even worrying about who was on the phone, I was just in too good of a mood. I held Isaac tight and kissed the top of his head. I had been content to just enjoy holding him until Quinn did that clearing her throat thing that sounds like a fucking motor bike. I looked up at her and she had that queen bitch glare going.

* * *

_"What Quinn?"_

_"Did she take her meds today?"_ Q whispered to me across the table. I looked back at her and rolled my eyes, things were going so well, did she really need to do this in front of Damariz and Saul?

_"Oh,_ _Give me a break Q! Of course she did. You can just be so judgmental sometimes."_

_"What the fuck? Am I in crazytown? Is Britt the damn mayor? You know what? I'm done. Celia can you take me back home? I need to go!"_ Q grabbed her purse and started storming towards the garage.

I stood up and moved Isaac to my hip. I knew that I wasn't supposed to but fuck it I felt fine. I followed behind Q straight into the garage. Celia was close behind me and when I felt her nearly stepping on my heels I abruptly stopped. Celia swore under her breath when she ran into my back. I turned around and handed Isaac to her. I was going to settle this myself.

_"Here, take your nephew. I need to talk to Quinn."_

_"Do you think that's a good idea?"_

_"You wanted me to do something Celia...well now I am!"_

_"About your wife not about Quinn. Britt attacked her."_

_"Oh, please! Quinn started it with her judgmental fucking question."_

_"You are just so blind to your wife that you don't see what we all see. How she isn't good enough to kiss the ground your walk on."_ she said angrily.

The words hit me straight in the gut. Ian had said that but she didn't know that, I wasn't going to let her talk down about my marriage, bad or not.

_"Fuck you. Just because you are sleeping with Quinn doesn't mean you know her or my wife better than I do. Take him to Britt...I'll be back."_

I grabbed my car keys of the side hook and marched into the garage behind Quinn, not even bothering to look back at my sister to see if she listened. I knew that I was right.

* * *

Q was pacing back and forth kicking the gravel on the side of the driveway. I walked over to my car and climbed into the driver seat and back up onto the drivewy. I hadn't driven my car in ages but I needed to do this, now, right fucking now. I pulled around towards the side and drove up to Q and put down my windows. I honked the horn when she didn't look up at me. Her head shot up and she stood there red faced and annoyed.

_"Go back inside San."_

_"Get in."_

_"No. Go back inside."_

_"Quinn get the fuck in the car! Now!"_

_"You can't talk to me like that."_

_"Please?"_ I said patiently. She raised an eyebrow surprised that I asked nicely. I didn't care, whatever it took to stop the drama in it's tracks. Q finally nodded and climbed in the car. I waited long enough to allow her to shut her door before I pulled off the driveway at high speed and headed out onto the empty street.

* * *

_"Where are we going?"_ she whispered as she quickly fastened her safety belt.

_"Just driving. We need to talk."_

_"Oh yea, we definitely do."_

_"I'm sorry if it seemed like we sprung this on you."_

_"No, it's not that San...I respect what you're doing it's just that..."_ she sighed and looked out the window. She knew something that I didn't. I never liked that.

_"What? It's just that...what?"_

_"Fuck...I feel like I'm losing you San. When I decided to come to Columbia it was because we would be doing it together. I moved to New York to be by your side but it just seems like you don't have room for me in your life anymore. The house is so empty these days. I hate being there alone."_

_"I always have place for you in my life. You are my rock. Not to sound cheesy but my life would really suck without you."_

_"You mean that?"_

_"Yes, of course."_

_"I'm sorry I snapped at B."_

_"No it's okay. She shouldn't have snapped at you either. We had an intense morning. I found out about Tori being raped and beaten and how now she is stuck in the system. I finally read the suicide note and one of Ian's dying wishes was for me to take care of her. She reminds me of me when I was younger but she doesn't have a Quinn to run to. Plus, this is one of the few things that B and I have agreed on in a very long time. I guess she felt like you took what we were proud of and stepped on it."_

_"Well, when you put it that way...I'm really sorry."_

_"No, don't be."_

_"Is there still going to be room for me anymore in the house?"_

_"Of course Q. You have the whole top floor at your disposal and access to the rough...that's pretty awesome."_

_"I guess you're right."_

_"Good. Now I think you should be a good godmother and go plan this shindig for Isaac with Britt. Fix whatever that was because we are moving back home in two weeks. I don't want tension."_

_"You're right, me either."_ I nodded and started making my way back to the house. Quinn cleared her throat and I cringed. She wasn't done talking.

* * *

_"Oh no, what is it Q?"_

_"I know something."_

_"Yea? I kind of figured that."_

_"I think B wants to nail Ari."_

_"What?"_ I nearly crashed into a fire hydrant. I swerved just in time. I pulled to the side of the road turned off the car and looked over at Q with my heart racing and my palms suddenly sweating. _"Don't tell me that...is it just a suspicion?"_

_"Actually, it's why I asked you about the meds...when she doesn't take them she gets unfaithful and she gets angry really easily. Just make sure she's being honest with you. I saw how she was looking at Ari last night and Ari seemed a bit uncomfortable with the looks but she didn't look like she was going to say anything to you. Just a heads up."_

_"Maybe it was just harmless flirting."_

_"I hope so but you know with Britt...her history says no flirting is harmless."_

* * *

When we pulled back into the driveway, Celia was standing against her rental car smoking a cigarette and talking on her phone. She looked angry and was swinging her arms out and looked like she was yelling now.

_"So...Britt and Rachel slept together while you were dating."_

_"I know."_

_"Rachel told you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And yet you don't want to kill Britt?"_

_"No. I love B. I know what her deal is. I'm more upset with Rachel, because I feel like she took advantage of B."_

_"That surprises me."_

_"The unholy trinity sticks together. Always." _Quinn said with a smile. I chuckled to myself as I thought of Sue and her antics.

_"So, Q, you really like my sister over Rachel?"_

_"I do."_

_"Good...you better."_

* * *

I kissed Celia and Q on the cheeks and then watched as they drove away. Quinn said while she was still pissed at Britt that she was more concerned and felt like I needed to talk to her about it and I would.

When I walked into the house I expected B to be waiting there for me but everything was quiet. The dining room was empty as I walked up the stairs and peaked in the nursery, it was empty. Odd.

So then I headed to our bedroom, Isaac was in his bouncer seat watching Elmo while babbling to himself. Still no B, though. I heard sniffling coming from the bathroom and it immediately got my attention but I wanted to be trusting so I didn't barge in. Instead I picked up Isaac from his seat, pushed through the pain it caused me and then climbed up onto the bed with him.

I sitting there playing with my son and trying my best to trust my wife, she had once told me that too many people had their hands in our relationship and I was really starting to agree with her.

I know that Britt has been unfaithful in the past and that she is an insane flirt but I also like to believe that after sleeping with Q and Rachel and with me being so angry she wouldn't cross that line again with Ari. I needed to trust her for this relationship to make it back off the ground.

Isaac screamed and then began clapping his hands. I expected him to be on his belly like I had put him but he was sitting up. This kid is amazing! I sat there in awe as he pulled himself to face the tv. He had seen B leave the bathroom and kept screaming at her and holding his arms up to her.

* * *

Mami always told me that a woman's instinct is one of her most reliable assets. I thought it was silly until that moment when I got a chill as I looked up at my wife. I could see that she had been crying again. I could see that she was surprised to find me sitting there and that made me suspicious, I could definitely tell that she did not want me seeing her tears and that she was nervous.

I watched quietly as Britt's face went from utter despair to complete joy in three seconds flat. She leaned over and scooped Isaac up. She sighed out happily as she pressed her nose to his neck and then smiled as she inhaled. I couldn't help the smile on my face when I saw her look of pure happiness as she held him.

Isaac of course squealed in delight as Britt lifted him up in mid air and started to make airplane noises. She was dipping him and shooting him straight up in slow motion. He would squeeze his eyes shut and then giggle as she spun him around. Britt did one of her show spins and then fell back onto the bed with Isaac clutched to her chest.

* * *

Isaac laid on Britt's chest and played with her hoop earrings tugging them hard and she even though it obviously hurt she let him do it.

_"You want up?"_ she gasped out. He babbled in return trying to communicate and just like she understood that damned fat cat she seemed to understand Isaac when he babbled.

She stood back up but instead of hoisting him up she leaned his mouth to my cheek and said while giggling. _"Beso"_ I sat there amazed as Isaac bobbed his head on my cheek with an open mouth.

He was attempting to kiss me, when had she taught him that?

_"No, Izzy like this!"_ she leaned in and kissed my cheek and made a smacking noise as she pulled away. He watched and bobbed his head. _"Oh well you'll get the hang of it little buddy."_

Britt kissed Isaac's head and then strapped him back in his bouncy chair and turned another episode of Elmo on.

I sat there watching the little monster communicate with his goldfish and just took in my son squealing in delight every time a new song started. He was growing way too fast.

* * *

I felt fingers brush across my back and looked over to see B laying on her back watching me, watch Isaac. I could see something in her eyes that hadn't been there earlier and I wasn't sure if I liked it but I would trust her. I turned back to the tv and watched Elmo singing.

_"I lied."_ Britt said softly once my back was turned.

I kept my eyes on the screen and didn't respond but she knew that I was listening.

So much for trust.

* * *

**A/N: Two cliff hangers in a row. Lo siento!**


	14. Chapter 14:Wide Awake

**Chapter 14: Wide Awake (Katy Perry)**

* * *

**_So much for trust._**

* * *

_"What did you lie about this time B."_ my voice was cold but calm.

_"I didn't take the medicine this morning. I just wanted to be alert for my first morning on the job. I planned to take them when I was done at work but then you called. Time kept passing and I kept having other things to do. I didn't mean to snap at Q like that."_

I nodded and looked down at her for a second and then I looked back to the screen, trying to absorb what she had said without looking into her eyes.

_"I just took them though. While I was on the phone I felt myself becoming enraged and so I took the pills. I stayed in there until I felt myself calm down. I didn't want to be around Izzy like that. I know you don't want tv to be a babysitter but I had a good reason...I'm sorry."_

I clenched my fists in my lap and there was a dull throb from the bruise that still remained there. I brushed it and felt the sting and then turned to look at her in the eyes.

_"I called and apologized to Q. She told me she knew that I hadn't taken them. She also told me she told you about me being flirty with Ari. It was innocent...I am not planning on doing anything. She's a nice girl but she isn't you."_

* * *

The DVD ended and Isaac began to whimper almost immediately. I checked the clock and saw that he should be getting ready for his nap soon. I needed to stay busy or I was going to flip out. I was flying on a high for the last twenty four hours, with Britt being so sweet. I was really disappointed and hurt. I needed to get away from her. I stood up from the bed and tried to push all of Britt's crap to the back of my mind. I didn't have the energy to deal with her at the moment.

I scooped Isaac into my arms and began to rock him. My back and my legs were throbbing and achy but I pushed beyond those feelings and focused on the baby in my arms.

_"Someone is getting cranky, let's get you changed and fed papa, okay?"_ I said as I walked past the bed and towards the door. I heard Britt jump to her feet behind me, most likely to stop me from walking around with Isaac but I felt fine.

I rubbed his back and made my way down the stairs and continued into the kitchen. I was still ignoring Britt when I put him down in his high chair. We have recently been introducing him to the organic baby food that Sandra makes and he loves it. Sandra had bought green containers for Johnny and blue ones for Isaac so that he could have his own. It was pretty thoughtful of her.

Isaac was banging on the tray of the high chair and kept yelling and I couldn't help but smile at him. I heated up his food a little bit and then I pulled a chair up so I was directly in front of him.

When I sent the spoon of guava and chicken stew flying through the air Isaac stopped banging and abruptly opened his mouth.

_"That's my greedy boy!"_

I chuckled as I put the spoon in his mouth and he sucked it clean. I continued to feed my son while Britt stood hovering over my shoulder. I still hadn't spoken to her. Now that I thought about it, I wasn't even mad at her...I was just tired of the nonsense. I wanted us to just be normal. Why couldn't she see what her acting like this was doing to me? My wrist hurt and my hand shook when Isaac hit my hand. I took a deep breath and continued to feed him, making sure to keep my wrist from his reach which was kind of difficult, since I was feeding him with my left hand.

Isaac quickly finished off his food and when I didn't have anything else he began to cry.

He was definitely full and ready for a nap.

_"Ok, one bottle and a nap coming right up for you, Mr. Lopez."_

I got up and cleaned out his food container and put it on the rack. I made his bottle and then put it to the side. He was reaching out for it and wailing and you know what, Britt just stood there, she was watching me...she seemed intrigued that I was doing all of her normal things on my own. I just wish she would offer some assistance and not let him work himself up.

I cleaned Isaac's face and then picked him up. He rested his lips against my cheek and tried sucking on it. I pulled my face away and grabbed his pacifier from the counter and gave it to him. I really didnt' want a red mark on my cheek.

Satisfied that I understood him he rested his head on my shoulder and began whining softly. He was definitely tired. I grabbed his bottle and made my way to the living room where his play pen was. I was growing tired of being upstairs. The only problem was that I also could feel my back knotting up and didn't think the stairs where a good idea.

I climbed onto the sofa and turned the tv on for background noise. I sat back and rested Isaac in my lap with my legs crossed. He looked up at me with a trembling lip, getting ready to cry if I didn't hurry up. I grabbed a pillow and them lifted him up so I could slip it under him. I couldn't hold him completely at the moment, the pain was becoming unbearable. I was trying to downplay the searing pain in my lower back but I knew that Britt could see that I wasn't one hundred percent but she stayed quiet.

_"Okay...leche time!"_ I whispered as I held Isaac to my chest and fed him.

* * *

Britt sat down across from me and was watching me while texting. I rolled my eyes and fixed my eyes on the tv. I had accidentally turned on law and order...I watched as the lawyer was pleading her case and it made me a little sad. I wanted that badly. What had Ian said about me not sacrificing my dreams?

_"Sal just got picked up from the airport. He will be here soon."_ Britt said as she continued to text.

I looked down and saw that Isaac wasn't drinking anymore he was sound asleep. I laid him on my shoulder and burped him. He let out a huge one almost as loud as Ian's. I smiled at the thought. I laid Isaac down in the play pen and then climbed back on the couch.

_"Come and sit with me B."_ her head shot up and she she looked at me strangely, like my request was the last thing that she was expecting. I smiled and patted the sofa next to me. She walked over to me looking insanely shy, biting her lip hard and tripping over her feet.

For such an amazing dancer sometimes B can be insanely clumsy or maybe I had that effect on her.

She laid down beside me and rested her head on my lap just like the night before but this time I felt differently when I looked at her. She went to pull her phone out to send a message and I pulled it from her hands.

_"Why don't you keep talking to me instead of texting?"_ I asked as I put the phone on the end table just out of her reach.

_"Are you sure that you want to hear what I have to say?"_

_"I would rather hear the truth from you now than to find out you lied yet again from someone else, later."_

* * *

She looked hurt but I didn't care. I was so tired of caring so much. I didn't want to care anymore. Like at all. I was completely at the point of considering being a single parent. She sighed and then crossed her arms over her chest.

_"Frankie called me earlier...you know when I walked way from the table."_

Be trusting Lopez.

I looked down into her eyes and could see nothing but openness.

So I nodded for her to continue, _"She heard that I snagged the job...she wanted to congratulate me. She was very serious and didn't flirt even once. She told me to take care of you and then she began to tell me about the tour and asked to know when my show was premiering so she could come. Everything was so businessy, I felt like I lost a friend."_

_"Is that why you were crying?"_

_"Yes. She is the only girl I loved other than you."_ I felt a pain in my chest...I had never loved anyone the way I loved B...not even Ian and even though I love Ari and Quinn both, I wasn't in love with either one of them although I'm sure the potential is there.

_"And so you're heart broken over your mistress rejecting you?"_ I squeaked out...I had been fighting tears but that didn't stop my chest and throat from closing up.

_"Ugh...it's hard to explain."_

_"Try."_

_"You were different when you were high, spacy and rude. She was my comfort...she was my Ian."_

* * *

I felt the anger boil under my skin, how could she even begin to compare the two.

Breathe Lopez.

I looked down into her eyes and saw the innocence there. I was feeling mixed emotions she honestly thought the correlation was a good one. I looked away from her and stared at the tv again. I was biting my tongue so hard that I was certain that I would have a hole in it by the time that Sal turned up.

_"I guess I just didn't expect it to hurt so bad."_ She finally said. I looked into her eyes and felt myself nodding. I looked away feeling hurt and betrayed. I had my head rested on my fist and was staring at the tv when I saw a light coming from Britt's phone. I picked it up and could see that it was from Frankie so I opened it.

**_Listen B...I'm sorry your heart hurts but you have a wife, a kid and a baby on the way. Stop chasing me...we are done. I don't love you...not like that. Please let me move on! :/-FR_**

That was it...I couldn't let this go on.

I hit the call button and stood up from the couch. Britt looked up at me in horror, I knew everything she was saying wasn't completely true but I figured Frankie be honest. I smiled and then walked from the room. The phone rang three times and them finally I heard a lot of noise in the background and then the familiar voice.

_"Hey Britt...it had to be said sweetie, you understand right?"_

_"It's Santana."_

* * *

The line went so silent that I thought she hung up. I could feel B trailing me so I quickly shut our bedroom door behind me locked it and then proceeded to lock myself in the bathroom as well.

_"Hey Santana. What can I do for you?"_

_"I read your message...thank you for trying so hard to make her be faithful. I appreciate you getting her the job."_

_"Yeah, of course. Her heart is with you but I mean she is just scared of you, so maybe be easier on her."_

_"She's scared of me? Why? I've done nothing but protect her since the day we met, I think accepting you and fucking you, is easier than divorce. You don't?"_

_"Look, you protect her from everyone but yourself."_

What? Was she serious? I mean yeah, I can be a bit callous and unfeeling but that's when I'm not pregnant.

Why had it never occurred to me that Brittany had a bit of self sabotage addiction too?

_"Yea? Well, thanks for the insight." _I said hopefully without a hint of malice because I knew that she was just trying to be helpful.

_"I want things to work out between you two. We get it bad enough from society, lesbians shouldn't be tearing each other down too. I really am sorry about everything."_

_"I need your help with something Frankie..."_

* * *

I talked to Frankie for a bit longer than I expected but ended up getting something valuable out of the conversation. I knew now that I had her on my side in all this and that was really important to me. I had been locked in the bathroom for over twenty minutes and I knew that B was probably freaking out.

Tough shit.

My stomach was growling...had I really developed an appetite. I stood there thinking of what I wanted and realized I wanted Belgian waffles with mangoes and fried chicken. As I thought of it my mouth began to water.

I finally made it out of the bathroom clutching Britt's phone in my hand. Although I had read the one message and talked to Frankie I hadn't gone through her phone like she had gone through mine. I grabbed Ian's letter from the dresser and steeled my resolve.

There was too much going on today for Brittany's drama so I was going to do everything that I could to focus on Tori.

Besides, If you go looking for something you usually find it.

Just keep trusting Lopez.

* * *

I opened the bedroom door and B nearly fell backwards. She had been resting her ear against the door trying to hear anything that I could be saying. She looked up at me and I smiled. I handed her the phone and then stepped past her. She smiled back and then jumped to her feet quickly.

_"Are you mad?"_

**Yes, she really asked that.**

I shrugged and walked past her towards the stairs. I didn't really know what I was feeling. I just knew that if I was going to fix this it needed to happen sooner rather than later.

_"I don't like when you don't talk to me."_

_"Well there's a lot that I don't-just forget it."_

_"No we need to talk about this."_

_"It's not important right now."_ I echoed her words once again and hopped down from the last step.

I was suddenly confident in myself and I was going to just tread lightly with Britt, because while I knew she was remorseful, I didn't want to push her to add another bruise to my body.

I know. It's sad that it comes down to that.

* * *

When I got down to the living room Sal was sitting on the couch talking to Sandra.

_"Hey Salvatore!"_ I quipped as I entered the room.

He stood up and turned to me. _"Well, would you look at you!"_ he held my shoulders and looked me over before pulling me in for a hug. _"Ana, you look radiant!"_

I smiled and sat down across from him, next to my big sister. Even though she sat down on the other side of me, I stopped paying attention to B and focused in on Sal. He was wearing his usual suit, all business and held his hand out to me.

I smiled and then handed the envelope over and then sat back.

_"I'll read this in a second...I need to discuss something with you first."_

_"Oh okay."_ He had that serious look on his face so I sat back up and leaned forward on my knees. He pulled out his tape recorder and pushed play.

_"I am going to ask you a series of questions, I need you to answer honestly."_

_"Okay."_

_"Full name."_

_"Santana Gladys Lopez."_

_"Have you consumed any controlled substances in the past year?"_

_"Yes."_ I sighed.

_"When was the last time that you consumed any drugs?"_ I had to think about that one, because I hadn't been keeping count.

_"It will be four months next week."_

_"So you are sober correct?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you intend to go forward with the adoption of Ingrid Victoria Flanagan?"_

_"Yes."_

_"There are new allegations of endangerment of a minor. I just need to know that I'm not arguing for you if you are back on the stuff."_

_"I'm clean and sober Sal. I go to all my doctor appointments and get a urine sample done, every month."_

_"The doctors can attest to your care of Isaac?"_

_"Yes..."_ Suddenly something shot to the front of my mind and I looked over at B and then I remembered the whole plane thing.

_"You don't sound sure."_

_"Britt took Isaac on the plane to Lima against doctors orders. He got really bad pneumonia. Doctor says he could have died."_

_"Mrs. Perkins put up these allegaitions."_

Sal looked over a Britt before I could respond and then looked down at Isaac who was still asleep in the playpen across the room. He looked back at my wife and then smiled before, taking a deep breath and turning the questioning on her.

"_Can you state your name for me?" He said to her. _

_"Brittany Susan Lopez."_

_"What is your relationship status with my client."_

_"I'm her wife, legally."_

_"And to Isaac Lopez."_

_"I'm his adopted mother."_

_"This incident with the plane?"_

_"Was an accident. I will never do anything like that again. I love him."_

_"And you consent to be the second parent in this adoption?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Is it accurate to say that you have been under the care of a psychiatrist, Mrs. Lopez?"_

_"Yes."_

_"He deems you fit to adopt?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And his name?"_

_"Joe Ortega."_

_"Where is he located?"_

_"Lima, Ohio."_

_"And how do you perform your sessions now that you are in New York?"_

_"I have a psychologist here...who works with Joe."_

_"Name?"_

_"Joyce...uh...Goldstein. Sorry I don't call her by her last name a lot."_

_"That's okay Brittany."_

_"I will do whatever you need me to do, so that this will go through."_

_"I just need you to be honest."_

_"I am being honest."_

_"Okay. Thank you."_

* * *

Britt sat close to me and tried to take my hand. I held her trembling hand in my lap and then looked up at my lawyer. This was what Papi always did, even when he and Mami were at each other's throats, they always had a united front. So even though touching her was making my skin crawl and my palms sweat I held onto her hand tightly. Sal scribbled somethings down and then clicked off the recorder and tossed it in his briefcase.

_"Sal...everything else has been fine. I'm not a danger to him and neither is Brittany. Can she really start this from jail?"_

_"It's all in the timing. If you can go through with this adoption and be approved for it her charges won't stand."_

_"So can I sign the papers?" _

_"She has to be declared unfit first. It would be easier if you could come back to Lima."_

_"I can't do that right now, I have to care for my son."_ I said.

_"Oh yes you can. I will take care of Isaac, I told you that before."_ Sandra said. I turned to her and saw that she wasn't kidding even a small amount.

_"No, I have spent way too much time being separated from my son. I need to be with him."_ I turned back to Sal.  
_"I will do whatever you need but it **has** to be from New York." _I stressed.

He nodded and put his briefcase flat on the coffee table.

He sat forward resting his elbows on his knees while pressing his palms together.

_"Santana can I just say how proud of you I am. I like that you have become a dedicated mother. I will fly as much as necessary to get this all processed."_ I smiled. _"that being said, I am going to read this letter and I want you to sign the papers in this folder."_ he handed me a Manila folder and a pen.

* * *

_"Did you want anything to eat Sal? Our cook is preparing lunch as we speak."_ Sandra said as she stood up and stretched.

_"I'll have whatever is on the menu. Thanks Sandra!"_

_"Excuse us a minute, Sal."_ I said as I pulled on Britt's hand.

I got up from the sofa and walked out of the room and I held onto Britt's hand until we entered Sandra's office. I shut the door behind us and then quickly let go of her hand.

The room was huge and bright. It was my favorite room in the house because it was sound proof. I sat down in the desk chair, tossed the manila folder on top of it and then turned towards my wife who still stood by the door biting her lip and wringing her hands together.

_"We are going get through this together, Britt Britt. Stop blaming yourself."_ I looked her right in the eye as she broke down.

_"I'm so sorry!"_ Britt slowly walked over to me and then she knelt in front of me and wrapped her hands around my belly. _"I'm such a fuck up."_ I couldn't help the chill that went through me as I remembered saying the same thing about myself over and over again.

Why do I always feel the need to make my wife feel better? When had I become the bigger person?

* * *

I leaned forward and cupped her face bringing her face up until she was looking me straight in the eyes.

_"Don't talk about my wife like that."_ I said as I leaned into her lips. _"I'm going to make things right. I need you to hand over control for a bit. I need you to trust that I can help you manage your drama right now."_

_"Um...okay. Whatever it takes. What do I need to do? How can I fix things?"_

_"We need to sign these papers...then I want you to hand your phone over to me for a little while."_ her jaw dropped but she didn't immediately refuse.

_"You want my phone?"_

_"Yes because I don't want there to be any more texting. I'm going to have the driver take you to work until we move back home. You don't need the phone...it's a distraction and then this weekend...this weekend will hopefully do us both some good."_

_"So when can I get my phone back? What if I need to talk to my mom or dad?"_

_"You can use your phone while you're here when you need to make important phone calls but for nothing else. I will tell you when I think it's appropriate for you to have the phone back. If you don't agree tell me. You have do a say in this."_

_"No...you're right. My life has been all out of control and I helped you when you needed me...when I you needed someone to just make the big decisions for you. So I am willing to accept whatever terms you set. I told you that I would do anything and I meant it."_

_"And the car is off limits unless I'm with you or you ask first and no sex for now."_ she nodded looking like even sadder than before.

_"Ok."_

_"Okay, good then let's sign these papers and then I need you to do something for me. Okay?"_ I caressed the side of her face again and kissed her lips. She leaned into the kiss, her wet cheeks meeting my face.

I pulled back and then handed her the pen.

_"You sign first."_

After we signed the papers I told B about my craving and she headed into the kitchen to convince the cook to fry some chicken for me while she made me a Belgian waffle. I hoped that she suceeded because otherwise we were going to have to go out in search of the food.

* * *

When I walked back into the living room my son was sitting up in the play pen eating a pair of his fuzzy keys. I bent over and my nose was immediately assaulted with his smelliness.

_"Ugh! you stink baby!"_ I said as I tried not to gag. I picked him up and braved the stairs hoping that my back would stabilize me enough. I got to the top step and began to teeter backwards. I quickly grabbed the banister just as I felt a hand on my back. Once I was standing on solid ground I turned around and no one was there. I felt a chill... because it felt like something or someone had definitely kept me from falling.

Creepy.

I laid Isaac down on the changing table and saw the sparkle in his eyes. _"That was crazy right?"_ I said to him feeling a bit freaked out. He just smiled and babbled back to me with a serious look on his little face...he even raised his eyebrow...Lopez through and through this kid!

_"Ana? Your food is ready. Everyone is at the table."_ Britt said as she popped her head in the door. That was fast! She looked from me to Isaac. "Did you come up here by yourself?"

Caught red handed...whoops!

_"Yeah."_

_"Ana! You can't keep carrying him, especially not up and down the stairs. You need to keep your back strong."_

_"Britt I'm alright."_ I picked up Isaac and walked over to her, _"Here can you feed him?"_ I said trying to ignore my new fear of the stairs while carrying my son. Britt gladly took Isaac and then I followed me back downstairs.

_"Did you give Sal the papers, B?"_

_"Yeah."_ she said as she pulled my chair out for me and then headed off to the kitchen to feed Isaac.

* * *

I sat in front of my food and my mouth watered from the smell of it. I was so hungry! Sandra and Sal were wrapped up in a conversation about the stock market as I remained in my own world. The chicken was crisp and had the perfect amount of seasoning. I looked up and saw Sandra looking at me.

_"That good sis?"_ she asked.

_"Amazing!"_

_"I made it. I gave Pancha the rest of the day off. I'm glad you like it. I made a whole pack." _she said proudly.

I looked up at her grinning. I definitely wanted more. I felt so fat. Whatever. I was eating for two.

_"Have I ever told you how much I fucking love you?"_

_"Yes...but I would like to hear it more often."_ she winked at me and then returned to her food.

_"So Salvatore...what happens next?"_ Sal smiled over at me and then put his lawyer face on.

_"I go to court tomorrow petition the court on your behalf, play the tape. A home study needs to be done. Once you get that done a hearing will be scheduled and you will have to be present for that, both you and Brittany and they will ask what you have to offer and why you are willing to adopt her. After the paper is filed and everything is signed off it's up to the judge."_

_"And how long will it take?"_

_"It can take anywhere from three weeks to three months. It has a lot to do with how quickly you can get a lot of the paperwork and mundane_ things done. When was your last home study?"

_"I had one in June for Isaac's adoption."_

_"Do you have the results of the study?"_

_"Yes, I can give you the info of the woman who conducted it. Nice woman."_

_"Good, hopefully she will be willing to do a follow up and file the paperwork expeditiously."_

_"She should be willing. She said to let her know when this baby is born so she can push things through for that adoption."_

_"Oh fabulous! That sounds great. I'll take that number whenever you can give it to me."_

_"Okay."_

I stood from the table and went on search of my phone.

* * *

_"B?"_

My jaw dropped when I walked into the kitchen. Isaac was making a huge mess with his baby food and Britt was sitting here in front of him texting.

_"Are you kidding me? Give me your phone, Brittany!"_ she looked up at me like a deer in the headlights as she handed the phone over. _"Were you actually letting him feed himself? He's a mess!"_ I yelled as I shoved her phone in my pocket.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Shit, what is it with you? Two steps forward, four steps back. This isn't a game Brittany. You need to be serious. Can I trust you to give him a bath?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you sure because I can do it."_

_"No, I'll do it."_

I brushed past her, grabbed my purse from the counter and dug out my phone so that I could get the number for Sal.

I was highly upset and couldn't believe what an ass Britt was being.

Things needed to change and I could see that she wasn't going to make it easy!

* * *

**A/N: Two chapters in one day! Who do you love? Review! Thanks.**


	15. Chapter 15:Chasing Pavements

**Chapter 15: Chasing Pavements (Adele)**

* * *

_**Things needed to change and I could see that she wasn't going to make it easy!**_

* * *

After exchanging info with Sal he headed out back to the airport. Watching him leave, I realized how badly I wanted to get out of the house. A huge part of me just wanted to be home in my own home, where I could walk around naked if I wanted to. I had to wait it out though.

Britt ended up leaving with the driver and Sal so that she could meet back up with Tony and dance a bit. I realized the problem with her leaving her phone with me, soon after she left. If I needed her there was no way to contact her. Maybe it hadn't been my best idea. Isaac was asleep and Sandra had gone to help Johnny's mother with something up in Albany.

So now I was wondering the house all by myself with nothing to do. So I ended up laying in the theatre watching a movie with Isaac's baby monitor next to my head.

**_Hey...we need to talk-Ari_**

**_Um, okay, talk-Ana_**

**_Are you by yourself?-Ari_**

**_Yes...all alone actually-Ana_**

**_Can I call you?-Ari_**

**_Yes.-Ana_**

I put the huge remote off to the side after switching off the movie and then held the phone in my lap until it began to ring. A picture of Ari's and me as kids popped up. It made me smile.

_"Hey."_

_"Hey, are you okay?"_

_"No."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Britt kissed me yesterday."_

_"What?"_

_"I didn't kiss her back! I swear. I pushed her off, called her a jerk and then headed inside."_

_"I can't believe this."_

_"She didn't tell you did she?"_

_"No."_

_"Look, I feel sick about it! I debated all day on how I should tell you and then finally I just decided to bite the bullet and call."_

_"I don't know what to say."_ I sat there with my feet pulled up in front of me and my head resting on my knees.

_"Please forgive me. I feel like shit. Fuck."_

_"Stop beating yourself up."_

_"I can't help it. She's your wife. You love her."_

_"I know. I do love her."_

_"So now you know why I can't come this weekend, right?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Why do you sound disappointed?"_

_"Because I really want you here."_

_"I don't want it to be awkward."_

_"Oh trust me with what I have planned, you will be the last thing on Britt's mind."_

_"I mean between you and me."_

_"It won't be. I know she's not your type because I am."_

_"Right."_

_"So I know I have nothing to worry about."_

_"Okay. I'll come but I'm not staying over...at least I don't think so."_

_"Just pack a bag...you never know."_

_"Okay. So you're not mad?"_

_"No...not at you. Thank you for telling me."_

* * *

The Saturday before Labor Day weekend my family flew in from all over the country to end the summer at Sandra's. It was supposed to be a family fun packed weekend and I was totally excited for it. The rest of the week had gone by with me barely talking to my wife and she spent it trying her best to get me whatever I wanted. The happiness that we had found a few days ago had completely vanished and we were just existing. Quinn had been avoiding my phone calls and I hadn't seen Celia either. They had both promised Celia that they would be coming over for the weekend so I was anxious for that too. A lot was going to happen this weekend and it was my hope that some decisions could be made as far as strenghting my marriage.

Now though after knowing that Britt had lied, yet again, while on her medication, I didn't really feel up to fixing anything. I didn't trust her anymore and I really just wanted to be single again but we were in the middle of an adoption and I didn't want anything to jeopardize that so this weekend was my last attempt at fixing things and if it didn't work then, Sal would have to figure out a way to get the court to let me go through with the adoption alone.

* * *

I had a doctors appointment the morning that everyone was set to arrive and just wanted to get it over with. I was really anxious to have the doctor check on me because I had continued to pick up Isaac, just not on the stairs. The arrangement between me an Britt was rocky she had taken her phone back a few times so I ended up taking her sim card out, once she realized that her phone couldn't be accessed she stopped trying. It had only been a couple days and I could tell she was itching to text Frankie. I had a fix for that but she had to wait. Baby comes first.

We walked into Dr. Cabot's office and I immediately climbed up on the table. Britt sat in a chair looking out of the window and paying me not a second of attention. We hadn't spoken the whole car ride into the city and from the looks of it she wanted to continue that trend. I knew that she was bitter about not being able to use her phone but she needed to remember that united front. Then again, maybe those kind of things were only important to me.

_"Why are you so pissy B?"_ she looked at me suddenly and scowled.

_"I don't think being without my phone is helping me get better."_

_"Yeah, well I think it is. Besides, you agreed to this, you told me that you were willing to do anything to gain my trust back."_

_"I know that. It's just difficult giving up control."_

_"I know Britt Britt, but right now you need a break."_

_"I still don't think it's helping."_

_"Did you take your meds?"_

_"Yes."_

_"All of them?"_

_"I'm out of Lithium."_

_"Why didn't you say anything? We have to refill it today. So no lithium today?"_

_"Or the last three days." _she muttered while looking back out of the window.

_"That's not good."_

* * *

Dr. Cabot chose that moment filled with tension and angst to walk in.

I was thankful for the distraction but knew that I wasn't finished with Britt. Not by a long shot.

_"Santana Lopez you look stunning and healthy! Come on over here and climb on this scale for me."_

I hopped down from the table and immediately felt B steadying me as I landed. The united front was back. I had been a little shaky lately. Her good reflexes had saved me a few times on the stairs. I held onto the crunchy gown I was wearing and stepped up on the scale.

_"Whoa, mama! You have exceeded my expectations Santana. 132 pounds. Good job."_ I shook off the feeling of disgust. I had gained a lot of weight and when you go from having an eating disorder to having to put on thirty pounds, its a killer.

I returned back to the table, where Britt helped me back up. I smiled a thanks and then turned to Dr. Cabot who immediately began checking my blood pressure and heart rate. She was in a fabulous mood and I liked it. Maybe all the anger had just been at seeing me so small and not taking proper care of myself.

_"Everything is great, your blood pressure is slightly high but not obscenely. Have you been under any added stress?"_

I glanced over at Britt and then back at the doctor. _"A little."_

_"Hmm, well keep it at just a little. How are you on pain?"_

_"Nothing beyond the normal. Im okay...a little shaky, sometimes."_

_"Have you been eating a lot of green vegetables?"_

_"Not really."_

_"Let's try that and I'm going to prescribe a prenatal with added iron. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Any spotting?"_

_"No."_

_"Great. Lie back and let's check out this baby. "_

* * *

I hated the exam part,I always felt violated by that damn wand. She spread the jelly on my stomach and then began to roll that contraption on my stomach. The baby's heart beat filled the room and I couldn't help but smile and neither could Britt.

_"So when can we find out the sex?"_ Britt asked Dr. Cabot

_"In about a month. When Santana hits four and a half months."_

_"So how is everything?"_ I asked.

The heartbeat bumped through the speaker and sounded great. I loved to hear the sound. I watched the screen and could see the little flutter. It was amazing that I felt so connected to that piece of life that I was creating. I looked over at Britt and could see her tearing up.

Dr. Cabot removed the gross stuff and allowed me to wipe off my stomach. I sat up and hung my feet over the side.

_"Everything is right on track. I am revoking your bed rest. You are off restriction with the caveat that if you slip up with taking care of yourself that you will end up right back on it, so it's your choice."_

_"So I can carry Isaac now?"_

_"Not that you haven't."_ Britt mumbled, so not a united front! Dr. Cabot shot B a look and then looked at me.

_"Violating my orders? Lets keep that at a minimum. Now, you can_ _feel free to carry him whenever you want. Just be cautious."_

_"Okay."_

_"I want to see you in another two weeks. You will have hit four months by then. Let's shoot for a five pound weight gain. Since you are off bedrest I want you walking more."_

_"You got it."_

_"Okay, ladies, take care of yourselves."_

* * *

When we were alone I got dressed quietly. I was so angry with her that I was beyond words.

She hasn't taken her meds I keep telling myself. She isn't thinking straight. Fuck that.

I couldn't wait for tonight. There would be a surprise waiting at the house when we got there.

_"Hungry B?"_ she seemed shocked that I didn't snap at her. She stood there a second before nodding her head. _"I'm craving Chinese...sound good?"_

_"Yes."_

I reached out for her hand and didn't say another word as we headed down to the parking garage. She was trapped inside her own head as I held onto her and walked happily as if I didn't have a care in the world. I knew that I was throwing her for a loop but really I was just biding my time. I was upset but I wasn't going to allow my blood pressure to shoot through the roof because of Britt.

When we got down to street level I saw a big chain pharmacy and got even more excited because I knew for a fact that they had Britt's prescription on file. Good, we would take care of it before anything else.

Instead of walking into the parking garage I pulled her to the corner and waited for the light to change.

_"Where are we going?"_ she asked as we walked across the street in the opposite direction of the car.

_"To the pharmacy."_ I pulled her through all the people and then straight into the store.

_"You really want to do this right now?"_

_"Oh yes, no time like the present, to handle a big error in judgement."_ I said as we went to the back counter. She tried to walk up to the counter alone but I walked with her, just to make sure that she got the proper medication.

* * *

We stood at the counter together and this squirrel of a man came up to us.

_"Can I help you ladies?"_

_"Yes my wife needs a three month supply of her lithium she keeps forgetting to take it."_ I said cheerfully.

He nodded and turned to his computer.

_"Name?"_

She kept her eyes down as she spoke, I could tell that she was embarrassed and while that hadn't been my intention, it seemed like a necessary process. I honestly never thought that she was ashamed of this in front of the pharmacist, I mean he sees people with issues everyday.

_"Brittany Lopez."_

_"Birthdate?"_

_"October 31st, 1994."_

_"Okay, I have it. It will take about ten minutes. Have a seat."_

_"Thanks."_ she mumbled without looking up.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the counter and noticed that she was fighting tears.

* * *

_"I didn't mean to embarrass you Britt Britt."_

_"It's fine."_ she whispered as she grabbed a basket. _"Let's get your craving stuff since we are here."_ she mumbled.

She started walking ahead of me but I held her hand tight so she couldn't go very far. _"B? Please...I'm sorry."_ I hated seeing her like this, I was mad but I never wanted to be an asshole to her.

_"Santana...please...just forget it okay?"_ she snapped at me. She had moved from sad to angry so fast that I dropped her hand and took a step back from her.

I walked ahead of her and began to grabbing stuff that I had been craving like chips and crackers with cheese and tried to ignore the hurt that we kept causing each other.

I kept throwing things in the basket and it was filled up in no time. We didn't speak again after that.

* * *

We headed back to the pharmacy section and I spotted a little plastic pill counter with the days written out. I grabbed two of them and put them in the basket and then I went in search of my vitamins. Britt looked at me and sighed heavily before she went and sat by the pharmacy with the basket and waited for me. Normally at times like this she would be texting but instead she was popping her gum.

Annoying as fuck but I was going to let it be...she was hurt and so was I. No need to make it worse.

The pharmacist called us over and we paid for everything including a bottle of water. I held my hand out to Britt and she stood there staring at my hand a full minute before she took it.

I knew she was mad at me and I didn't want to push her. I had overstepped, when you take control of someone's huge decisions you walk a fine line at times and while Britt was always crossing lines, I never liked to do that. Holding my hand was a small thing totally something she could turn down, so I wouldn't push it. I didn't want her to feel pressured but I think fear of losing me on the way back to the car, which had happened before, had worried her.

* * *

When we climbed in the car I rummaged through the bag and dug out two pills. I handed them to B with the bottle of water. She looked away from me and then back down at her open palm. She quickly tossed the pills back and then swallowed a huge gulp of water. I then grabbed a vitamin and did the same thing.

_"Do you still want to eat?"_ she mumbled. _"I think I lost my appetite."_ she admitted.

_"Can we stop at home?"_

_"Yeah. Sure."_

She turned towards the house and looked off onto the street. She was trying not to snap at me and I could tell it was a conscious effort for her not to. As we drove the three miles I watched as her face lost the anguish and gradually calmed down. That's the effect the medicine has. That's why I push her to take it, that and the fading bruise on my wrist, that I was surprised Dr. Cabot hadn't noticed.

I hadn't been home in quite a while and since Q was up at Sandra's already I knew that we would be alone. I waited for the garage door to close and then I turned to B.

_"We need to talk...okay?"_

_"Of course, that's all we seem to do..these days. Talking and talking but nothing gets said."_ she said as she looked me in the eyes. There was still some hurt in her eyes but the anger was gone.

_"Yes but this kind of talk is different. I would love it if we could go upstairs and you could make love to me."_ I said feeling shy. Her face brightened up.

_"Really?"_

_"Yes. We can do whatever you want."_ I needed to give her some of her control back before I took her into the Lion's den that awaited in Westchester.

_"Why all of a sudden?"_

_"I want you B, I've missed you and we rarely have a minute alone. I want to feel my wife all over me. We need to reconnect, in the first way that we learned how."_

_"Okay."_ Her face lit up and she happily took my hand.

* * *

We walked into the house with pinkies linked and me trailing just a step behind my wife. I had more sex than most people have ever had in their entire lives and here I was afraid to have sex with my own wife. Something is definitely wrong with that picture.

When I walked into our bedroom a sense of calm washed over me, like none that I have felt in weeks. This was my home and I missed it terribly. Now that I was off bed rest I planned to be moving back in the next couple of days and getting back to normal.

I stood by the bed and waited for my wife to make the first move, this was her show. Britt seemed nervous too, as she held my face in her hands and kissed me gently. I leaned fully into the kiss and shuddered as her hands slowly grazed down my arms and then under my shirt. I knew just from that touch that I was already soaked.

Good I'm definitely still physically attracted to her.

Hopefully, I would be emotionally too.

* * *

Britt pulled my shirt over my head and then unclasped my bra. I stood there watching her take complete control and felt chills running up and down my spine. I think that I was turned on. She held my breasts firmly in her hands and massaged them a little too roughly, but when I hissed out she smiled. I moaned as I leaned up to kiss her but she leaned back and shook her head, rejecting me.

I couldn't hold in my frustrated groan because I so wanted to just throw her down and straddle her face and be done with it but this wasn't about me. Britt ran her hands over my stomach and then she pushed my yoga pants and panties to the floor in one fluid motion. I stood in front of her completely exposed and looked up at her with an open expression, begging her to take me.

_"You are so beautiful Ana."_

_"So are you B but do I get to see you?"_ It didn't escape my notice that while she stripped me bare she still remained fully clothed, jacket and all.

"Patience Amor." she said as she captured my lips in a bruising kiss. I was breathless as she stepped back from me and then headed into out bathroom. I froze and felt the chills actually cause me to tremble. It had been months and my last experience had been a bit too painful. I had relinquished control though and I had told her she could do whatever she wanted with me. So why was I surprised that she was getting the strap on? The moment she head towards the bathroom I knew because we kept it locked in a bag under the sink.

I took slow deep breaths and then reached back and let down my ponytail and allowed my hair caress my shoulders, that how B loved it best and this was about her.

Right?

* * *

Britt finally came out of the bathroom with her long hair trailing down her back wearing nothing but the strap on. I felt my body tense as she stepped up close to me and began to kiss me again. I could feel the thing poking at my baby bump and felt a little bit queasy but wasn't sure if it was me or the baby. I forced a smile as she led me onto my back on the bed and then began to kiss me hard when we broke for air I looked up in her eyes and all traces of hurt and anger had disappeared, replaced by emotions that I couldn't quite trace but that I hoped were good, loving ones.

I could feel her pressing against my entrance and tried relax, knowing that if I remained tense that this would hurt. It had been awhile and I was nervous so it took me a moment to convince my body to stop tensing. Britt finally noticed.

_"Just relax Ana."_ she whispered. I took a deep breath swallowed and then looked at her, with what I hope was a loving glance. _"Are you ready?"_ she was watching my face closely and waiting for my answer. I smiled and nodded. Without a seconds hesitation after that, she slid fully into me.

_"Britt!"_ I moaned out, feeling the pain rip through me but disguising it as pleasure. I looked up at her and tried to find my wife behind her lustful eyes.

* * *

She smiled and kissed me deeply as she continued to thrust into me hard and fast. She lifted my legs, resting them on her shoulders and then shoved a pillow underneath my ass. I couldn't really see her eyes now and that scared me but then I could see that she was nervous about squishing the baby.

So once she had me propped up she held my waist and began thrusting harder, without worry that she was crushing the baby in my womb. This was a new position for me, believe it or not and while I was hurting a bit my hormones were insanely heightened and I couldn't help the moans that left my mouth.

_"Oh God! Britt I'm cumming! Fuck!"_ My body was vibrating and my hips were jerking as I felt my whole body tighten up and I reached the brink of bliss. I came back to back to back. She continued to thrust into me but slower this time. I couldn't keep track of the amount of times that I came as she rubbed furiously at my clit. I was definitely going to be sore by the end of it but when I looked at her I could see that her confidence had returned.

I was happy to see that Britt finally came after my fourth or ninth orgasm. She stayed there inside of me as she knelt in front of me so that she could hover above my face. She bent her body so that she wasn't leaning heavily on my stomach but was still touching it.

_"Are you okay, Ana? Do you want more?"_

"I don't think that can't take anymore." I whispered, since my voice was almost completely gone. She smiled, shit like that pumped up her ego big time, it pumped up Noah's so I wasn't surprised it worked on her. She had conquered me, which I guess is a feat? I didn't think too hard about it since she was still completely inside of me. I looked up at her and smiled. Whatever it takes to fix this.

_"Okay...I'll go slow?"_ she wanted to cum again. So I just nodded despite my discomfort. She looked excited as she began to move again. I came instantly and she looked surprised. I was moaning and she was grunting as she worked towards another orgasm. I was so tired as she held me tight as she finally came. She pulled out of me and took the strap on off and I silently thanked God. She laid down and pulled me into her arms holding my trembling body against her own and kissing me every few seconds. I brushed her hair out of her face and looked into her eyes.

_"That's was amazing Britt Britt." I was totally being honest...I think?_

_"Thanks for that Ana."_

_"I missed you." I whispered and kissed her nose._

_"I miss you too so much!"_

_"I'm happy that you made love to me. It was just what I needed."_

_"And you wanted me to feel better, admit it!"_ she said grinning.

_"Ok, fine...you caught me."_ I said as I kissed her lips again.

_"I knew it! You can try to make me feel better any time."_

_"Sometimes you are such a guy, Britt."_

_"But you like it...right...I mean I know you're a lesbian and that I'm the bi-curious one...but you like it right?"_ She suddenly looked insecure.

"_If I didn't like it on some level...I wouldn't be pregnant again...right?"_ I cringed as I used my time with Ian as an example.

Sorry Papa Bear!

_"That makes sense."_ she said as she hugged me happily.

Definitely dodged a bullet there.

* * *

We took a quick shower together, thankfully devoid of sex and then headed back out feeling refreshed and connected. Britt couldn't stop smiling and I found that couldn't stop touching her. We were almost to the bridge when my phone buzzed.

**_Are you still in the city?-Ari_**

**_Yes...for the moment.-Ana_**

**_Could you come get me? Do you mind?-Ari_**

**_Ok.-Ana_**

_"Britt can we circle back and go pick up Ari?"_ I said as I looked at her. I saw her face flush but she quickly nodded and put on her turn signal.

_"I thought she was coming with Quinn."_

**_What happened with Quinn?-Ana_**

**_My class ran late.-Ari_**

_"Her class ran late."_

_"Oh...tell her we will be there in like three minutes."_

**_We will be there soon.-Ana_**

**_She doesn't know that I told you does she?-Ari_**

**_Nope. I see you...here we are-Ana_**

* * *

Ari was still in her leotard and leggings with her hair in a mohawk as she stood on the curb waiting. It was the first time since we were kids that she actually looked like a dancer. I glanced at Britt and saw her staring and my heart dropped. I was still sore from pleasing her and here she was blatantly ogling my friend.

Bitch.

_"Hey guys! Thanks so much! I really appreciate it. I wasn't going to come but then I remembered that you had a doctors appointment Ana, so I thought I would check."_

_"Well you had good timing Arita because we were just about to head out of the city."_

_"Sweet. So how's the baby?"_

_"Great."_

_"Do you know what it is yet?"_

_"Nope, we will know in a few more weeks."_

_"Awesome."_

The rest of the twenty minute car ride was filled with Ari telling me about her classes and dance schedule and while this would normally get Britt jabbering away, she stayed completely quiet the whole entire ride. Both me and Ari noticed it but continued to just talk about everything but the kiss.

* * *

When we pulled into the driveway, Ari hopped out of the car and began to head inside. She knew me well enough to know that I needed to talk to Britt and so she didn't even wait for B to turn the car off.

_"Thanks!"_ she threw over her shoulder before disappearing into the house.

_"You were really quiet that entire ride B."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Want to tell me why?"_

_"It was nothing, I just was letting you catch up with your friend. That's what this weekend is about. It's going to be a full house this weekend." ._

_"Yeah all my sisters, my nephews, my mom, NoNo, Q, Ari and your parents."_

_"Sandra seems excited to finally use the guest house and the other guest rooms."_

_"Oh she definitely is."_

_"Why do I get the feeling that you aren't telling me something?"_

_"Frankie is here for the weekend too. She just got in two hours ago."_ B looked at me dumbstruck.

_"What? Why? Is this some fucking test?"_ the anger was back.

_"No. I just think that we need to square things away to get the trust back and I needed her here, to keep you honest."_

* * *

_"I can't believe you right now!"_ she said as she climbed out the car and slammed the door. I jumped down from the car and followed B towards the house. I finally caught up as she was passing me. I grabbed her arm and yanked at her and she stopped when she heard me sucking in air to yell. _"This is just fucked up, I know I gave up control until I figure my shit out but this is just crazy! Everyone is going to know that I cheated, now. Like my parents!"_ she had her arms crossed and her lip stuck out like a petulant child.

_"Yeah, so what? It hurts me more than it hurts you. It is embarrassing for you, sure but I know how it is trust me...I'm the one that got pregnant while I was married, and my family has known about you from day one and yet you are still welcome here."_ she looked at my stomach and then in my eyes.

_"How did you get her to agree to come here?"_

_"I told her that I needed her to help fix this. I told her that my previous method only complicated things and confused you. She said she would do whatever it took to make up for coming between us. So I flew her out here."_

_"Nothing money can't buy, huh? And tell me where is she sleeping?"_

_"In the downstairs guest room with Ari. Sandra's idea not mine."_

_"So how do we introduce her, hey mom you remember my wife Santana...and this hot red head is my mistress Frankie?"_

_"No, just as an old friend of yours from the tour. It's truthful enough."_

_"Do you have any other surprises? Finn here too? Marco get released early?"_

_"Gross! The very thought of his puffy nipples makes me want to gag and Marco has nothing to do with this at all!"_ Britt and I burst out laughing. She finally just looked at me and then took a deep breath. I rubbed her arm and then looked in her eyes. There was still hurt but not as much as earlier. "Are we okay, B?"

"Yes."

"Good."

* * *

We linked arms and headed straight upstairs. The house was completely empty. We could see out of the bedroom window that everyone was drinking or swimming and that my nephews had taken Johnny and Noah out onto the basketball court.

The whole family had already started to party without us. I looked at my wife and smiled. _"Lets have fun today. Okay?"_

_"Yeah. Okay."_

Britt changed into a red bikini and I put on my all black one. I was not ashamed of my little baby bump, I still looked hot. As we walked down the hall to the back staircase that led into the kitchen, Britt raised her pinky up and I linked it with mine.

_"Always and only you Ana."_

_"I love you too B. Always"_

* * *

As we stepped out onto the patio I could smell the burgers and I looked over at B and licked my lips. We had skipped lunch and now I was starving. She smiled and nodded understanding my silent request.

_"I'll go get you something to eat. Why don't you go find Isaac."_ She said as she kissed my lips. I nodded and then walked towards the tables.

It wasn't hard to find my little caramel colored, blue eyed mini me. I found my son being cradled and fed by Britt's mom, his Nonna, as she wanted to be called.

_"Hi Susan!"_ I said excitedly, I hadn't seen her when I was in Lima for very long and was excited to spend a couple of days with her. Everyone turned around and I was immediately trapped in hugs and kisses a few belly rubs. I finally made it to the table. I sat down across from mother in law in between Brenda and Mari.

_"Hey big sis! I miss you so much!"_ I said wrapping my arm around Brenda.

_"I missed you too Ana. How are things with you and Britt."_ she whispered in my ear. I looked across at Susan and saw that she was completely wrapped up in her grandson.

_"Good. Better."_ I said as I landed a big wet kiss on her cheek.

_"I'm glad."_ she said as she kissed me back and hugged me tight. This was the closest that we had ever been and I was really happy about it.

_"Hey don't hog her up!"_ Mari called from my other side. _"I want some hugs too."_

Papi would be so happy to see all of his girls getting along so well.

* * *

My stomach was growling. Everyone had their food and I couldn't help myself when keep stealing chips from Damariz's plate. She eventually slapped my hand away.

_"Hey you shouldn't steal food from a pregnant woman!"_ she whispered to me. I looked at her in shock.

_"You're knocked up, is that why Saul was so damn happy last week?"_

_"I'm pregnant honey."_

_"Whatever, same difference! That's awesome! How far are you?"_

_"Three months today, so I'm officially telling people now."_

_"I'm so excited for you!"_

I hugged her and began crying and then she started crying. She had been trying for five years and so it was really exciting.

So we were an emotional mess.

* * *

_"Ana babe?"_ I let go of my sister and felt Britt squeeze down between us. _"Here's your food."_

I looked down at my big juicy burger with extra ketchup and p- wait...

_"B? There's no pickles..." _I felt my lip tremble. My emotions were already up high so this was putting me over the edge.

_"Crap did you want pickles? I'll go get you some."_ she jumped back up and made a dash for the kitchen. I felt my eyes water at the prospect of not being able to eat this useless burger without the juicy, crisp dill pickles. This was the first time that happened and I felt embarrassed. Susan reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

_"Santana sweetie...it's okay. I once cried because I didn't get a coconut custard pie at the exact moment that I wanted it."_

_"This pregnancy is just different from Isaac, you know? I am just so emotional all the time!"_ I said as Britt made her way back to the table.

She laid the plate if pickles in front it me and I quickly grabbed one and popped it in my mouth. Expecting one flavor and getting another is never appealing. The moment I tasted the sweetness of the gherkin instead of saltiness of a dill, I got nauseous. I shoved myself from the table and made a run for the bathroom and made it just in time, to throw up the pickle and breakfast.

Fucking fabulous!

* * *

I felt gross.

Getting sick was totally unexpected. I stood in the pool house bathroom and stood over the sink taking deep breaths, trying to push away the nausea. My eyes were bloodshot and my face was pale. I had to get it together.

After splashing water on my face, I walked out by the pool and saw Britt holding Isaac in her lap as she sat poolside with her feet dangling in the water. Lets ignore the fact that she didn't come check on me and was instead sitting there with a certain redhead. Lets ignore that because I expected it to happen at some point.

She sat there holding him securely, thank God, talking to Frankie as if her wife had just made a run for the bathroom. I looked away from them and caught a couple of looks and raised eyebrows from my sisters and Q.

I smiled at them, showing them that I had it all under control and then headed over to my wife and her mistress.

I jumped down into the pool a little away so I didn't splash Isaac and then I walked over, trying to be quiet but then my son saw me and squealed. Little bum.

I smiled when Britt turned towards me.

She immediately looked panicked like I caught her in the act of something, she couldn't have been flirting right? Not in front of her own parents and my whole family? She wasn't stupid. Definitely not. So what the hell was wrong with her?

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I'm leaving it there. Be grateful. That is three chapters in one day. Enjoy! ;)**


	16. Chapter 16:Fool In Love

**Chapter 16: Fool In Love (Rihanna)**

* * *

**_She immediately looked panicked like I caught her in the act of something, she couldn't have been flirting right? Not in front of her own parents and my whole family? She wasn't stupid. Definitely not. So what the hell was wrong with her?_**

* * *

_"Hey B, hey Frankie."_ I smiled as I came closer and ran a hand over Isaac's happy little face.

_"Hi Santana, you look great! I was just telling Brittany that you have a beautiful family and little Isaac is gorgeous!"_ she was beaming at my son instead of B and that was fine with me although, I'm sure Britt wasn't too happy about it. _"Thanks for having us."_

_"Us?" _I heard Britt mutter. Frankie and I ignored her and just smiled and winked.

_"Of course. Was the flight okay? Where is Siobhan by the way?" _I said completely ignoring Britt's scrunched up face.

_"Oh...she is over on the basketball courts. Your friend Noah stole her from me the moment that he recognized her."_

_"I knew he would!" _I laughed and then turned to Britt._ "I can't wait to meet her!"_

_"She can't wait to meet you either."_

___"Thank you for agreeing to come."_

___"We are both excited to be here and maybe turn a corner in all of this."_

___"I totally agree!"_

* * *

I stood between Britt's legs and played with Isaac as if me having such a casual conversation with Frankie was a normal thing. I got wrapped up in making faces and kissing Isaac's cheeks and didn't really pay any mind to the conversation going on between the two women. I was trying to be hands off and trusting, however I knew that I needed to make sure B knew that I was still watching.

Isaac looked up at me and smiled. He was fidgeting and I was fidgeting...we both wanted out of this weird situation. I squeezed Britt's thigh and leaned into her.

_"My love, I still haven't eaten yet and it's almost time for Isaac to go down for the night so I'm going to take him from you okay? You don't mind do you? I'm sure Frankie can keep you company."_ I pulled back and looked in her eyes trying my best to convey my trust.

_"Yea, sure, okay. Climb out first and then I'll hand him to you okay?"_ I smiled and gave her a quick peck on the lips and gave Frankie a quick hug before turning towards the stairs in the shallow end. Britt caught onto my bikini bottom and pulled me back to her.

_"Yes?"_ I said raising an eyebrow. She smirked and then leaned into me and kissed me deeper. Isaac screamed in excitement and pushed at my chest since he was caught between us and I heard Frankie chuckle.

_"Wow...barely five months and he's already embarrassed by his parents kissing."_ Frankie said and then laughed again. I kissed B once more and then looked down at Isaac who had his eyebrow raised ...I swear it!

_"Get over it, Isaac!"_ I stuck my tongue out playfully and then headed to the stairs. I dodged one of my many nephews as he jumped into the pool and thankfully made it out onto dry land without too much fuss. I got stopped a few times for hugs and kisses from people that I hadn't seen yet and so by the time I made it back over to B, Quinn was standing there holding Isaac.

_"Hey, no fair!" I shouted from across the way and walked over holding out my arms._

_"No, my godson says you teased him and stuck out your tongue."_

_"He didn't say that!"_

_"Okay so maybe not, I saw you from a distance but I missed him so he's mine for now. Sorry! I guess you are just going to have to eat instead."_

* * *

_"Is that my beautiful goddaughter?"_ my head snapped to the side and there stood my Padrino looking daper as usual. He held open his arms and I went running into his arms. His smell was almost identical to Papi's and it made me tear up a little.

_"Pa! I'm so happy to see you! I didn't know you were coming!"_ I said as I looked up at him and smiled.

_"I came with Gladys."_ he said and then cleared his throat. _"So you look good, I'm glad you finally put on some weight, pregnancy definitely agrees with you."_

_"You're deflecting."_ I said as I looked him straight and the eye.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You know what I mean."_

_"Okay...fine...maybe I am but I promised that I would say anything. Maybe you should go talk to Gladys and you and I can talk later."_

_"Why can't you just tell me?"_

_"Because its not my place...go talk to your mother. Entiendes?"_

_"Si...fine, I'll go!"_

I rolled my eyes and kissed his cheek once more before heading straight over to my mother. She was sitting there at the end of a long patio table with her head bowed whispering with my four sisters, meanwhile Susan sat there texting on her phone and periodically shooting glances their way.

This did not look good.

* * *

By the time that I got to the table, Susan was in on the conversation and she did not look happy.

Uh oh!

My burger sat covered by another plate next to Mami, so I knew that if I wanted it I was going to have to become a part of the conversation whether I liked it or not.

Fuck!

I sat down next to Susan and then pulled my plate across the table, I figured that she was the safest person to sit next to. I knew that she wouldn't attack me like the rest of them would. And even though both Sandra and Ceila knew that Frankie was coming, now that they had back up I could tell that even they were upset with me. They had continued to whisper until they saw me uncover my plate. The hushed conversation stopped once they realized that I wasn't leaving.

I paid the women at the table no mind as I bit into my cold burger, hoping that they would just leave me be. The burger filled my mouth with all the flavors I was craving and made me so happy that it was ridiculous to me, even cold the thing tasted terrific, I could tell that B had tracked down the proper pickles and had put them on the burger for me. She had definitely earned some brownie points...maybe thats why she didn't come check on me?

I was almost done my burger and the conversation hadn't turned to me so I felt like they would just drop it, but I was definitely wrong. Everything was just peachy until I realized that the table was still silent. I should have just ignored the silence and continued to eat but you know me better than that! I looked up from my food and over at my mom and sisters and could see they were watching me. I shrugged but then I looked up next to me at Susan and could see that she looked really upset as she looked over at me.

_"What's wrong?"_ I asked her after forcing the rest of my burger down. Susan sighed and then wrapped an arm around me and leaned close to my ear.

_"How are you able to have that girl here?"_

I knew who she meant but I was trying to play it cool, maybe they hadn't told her about Frankie?

_"Who?"_

* * *

I know that I have mentioned before that I have a really short tolerance for sudden noises. No? Well I do, I think its still residual nerves from Papi and Marco. No matter where I am, I get flustered and antsy, so when Mami slammed her hand down on the table it really startled me, so much so that I nearly fell backwards. It's that bad. I looked up at her and could see the irritation in her eyes.

Shit!

_"Santana! Did you invite that girl here?"_

I wasn't going to pretend that I didn't know who she was referring to. I mean with Susan its no big deal but with my angry Puerto Rican mother, it's a very big deal! I nodded dumbly suddenly feeling two feet tall as my mom and sisters all glared at me. Brenda, looked at me with a sad expression and reached out for my hand. I gave it to her and she rubbed it soothingly before she spoke.

_"How is it that Susan never knew about all times that Brittany cheated on you?"_ I dropped my head and I shrugged my shoulders. I was embarrassed.

_"I thought if I brought her and her girlfriend here...if Britt could see that she was happy with someone else, that she would see that her thing with Frankie was over and she would stop chasing her."_

Before anyone else could say anything, Britt went running by and into the house, slamming the door behind her.

_"Britt wait!"_ that was Frankie, running after her.

What's wrong with this picture?

* * *

I pushed myself up from the table and walked towards the house. I didn't need to turn around to know that all the women were following me. When I got into the house I could hear yelling and knew that it was my wife.

_"Britt?"_ I called out to her but she didn't hear me. So I followed her voice and found her in the middle of the foyer, car keys clutched in her hand, screaming at Frankie.

_"Why didn't you tell me?"_ Britt screamed in her face.

_"I told you that I was seeing someone else."_

_"You didn't tell me that it was serious...that you got...m-married!"_

_"Like it would have mattered to you!"_

_"It does matter! Marriage is important...its different!" _

I stood there watching this all play out and felt like a frieght train hit me when I heard my wife, my cheating, lying wife...say to her mistress that marriage was important. I couldn't move. I was stuck in place.

_"Yea...well I think that's bullshit! I think you are just pissed because I can't be your fucking booty call anymore! I love Siobhan. She loves me and you know what, when you forced yourself on me in the car that night...I cried and drank myself sick afterwards. I was so sick about it because I promised your wife that you and I were through and I meant it! Siobhan took me back and guess what Santana took you back. We both got lucky. The difference between us, Brittany, is that I took the second chance she gave me and got my shit together. I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I even go with her and her family to church on Sundays. Things are different and I'm happy...be happy for me B..."_

I was floored as Frankie stood there pleading with Britt, who just stood there red faced and angry. Frankie stood there with tears running down her face and kept saying those same words, _"Be happy for me, please?"_

I knew that she was being completely sincere and so call me crazy but when I wrapped my arms around her and held her as she cried...I meant it. Frankie held onto me with everything she had as she cried into my shoulder and was now mumbling against me and sobbing.

_"I'm so sorry Santana. I am so fucking sorry that I even started this! I don't deserve the way that you treat me, I'm just so so sorry!"_

I rubbed her back and rocked her a bit. I could feel the glare that I was getting from Britt but I didn't care. This girl was hurting bad and I wasn't going to let her walk around with that guilt. She just wanted her friendship with Britt to be strong just like I wanted for my marriage but Britt didn't look like she was going to bend on this.

She was selfish, she wanted all or nothing.

And I just wanted her.

I was such a fool.

_"Shh, it's okay. It's alright. I forgave you. I still forgive you. If I didn't I wouldn't have flown you two here. Okay? Shh. It's alright."_

* * *

_"What's going on? Babe are you okay?"_

The first thing that I noticed about Siobhan was her face. I had seen it a few times but because I wasn't really into sports, with the exception of track, I didn't know all of her stats. She played in the WNBA, she was about Britt's height and had this gorgeous head of auburn hair. She was a knock out. Her and Frankie, the two red heads was kind of a sight to see. I smiled at her and then pulled back from Frankie.

_"I'm okay, I was just trying to talk to Brittany and well...I ended up like this. Sad right?"_ she tried to joke at her own expense but Siobhan shook her head and then looked over at me.

_"Santana?"_ she said holding her hand out to me.

_"It's nice to finally meet you Siobhan. Thank you for coming with her. I'm glad that you did."_

_"Me too, is there somewhere that I can talk to Francis alone?" _she said as she looked between me and her new wife.

_"Sure." _I pointed towards Sandra's office. She smiled at me and then took Frankie's hand and they walked off into the office and closed the door.

* * *

_"Mami? Can we go to see the stadium with Tio Johnny?"_ My oldest nephew Ethan popped into the room with his twin brother Xavier. Brenda turned around and opened her arms.

_"Of course you can. Where's Brendan?"_ she said looking down at him.

_"He's playing with Tito, Tio Johnny said he would take them too."_ Xavier said. Tito was the name that the family had taken to calling little Johnny.

_"Ok, that's fine then."_

The boys hugged Brenda and then ran back towards the patio. When the door shut behind them I looked at my sisters and my mom and could see that they weren't leaving. They wanted to deal with this right here, right now.

Quinn came walking down the stairs talking to Ari and then froze when she saw the mob of people standing there staring at me and Britt.

_"Did we miss something?"_ Q said looking at Celia.

_"Yea...Brittany just proved to all of us how much she loves my baby sister."_ Celia said as she looked from Quinn to Britt.

_"Oh God."_ I looked up and Ari's face was pale and she threw her hand over her mouth. I quickly shook my head at her but it was too late, everyone was looking at her now. Quinn stepped away from her and crossed her hands over her chest.

_"I told you something happened San!"_ Quinn said looking down at me and then back at Ari.

_"Ari didn't do anything wrong. Back off Quinn."_ I said.

_"No...then why is she looking so guilty then?"_ Quinn wasn't going to back down.

_"Because Britt kissed her."_ I said, shooting a look at my wife for the first time.

Britt had her head down and her arms wrapped tightly around her. She was trying to disappear. I bet she wished for the time machine right about now.

_"See, I knew it! Are you sure that's all?"_

_"Yes...Ari wouldn't lie to me and if she did I would know. She called and told me about it on Monday. She told me that Britt kissed her and that she pushed her off of her. I didn't doubt her but then when Frankie just talked about Britt coming onto her in California in a car, now I know that it is just something that Britt does."_ I said never once taking my eyes from my wife who now was trembling in rage.

_"Is she not on her meds?"_ Quinn said outloud. Not everyone knew about Britt being on medication but now they did and I knew that if Britt was embarrased in front of that pharmicist than she was definitely pissed off now.

_"Wait...Brittany Susan...are you not taking your medication correctly?"_ Susan said as she strolled across the room and stood in front of Brittany who just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head.

Uh oh.

* * *

Susan turned to me and grabbed a hold of my hand. She wanted answers and she knew Brittany, she knew that she was only going to say what she felt like saying and no more than that.

_"Can I talk to you about this?"_ she said as she looked over to the group of women standing there. I knew she wanted me alone but I knew my family better. They had put up with this for so long that they weren't going anywhere.

_"Susan, we are not going anywhere...it's just not happening."_ Mami said to her.

_"Okay...well can we go somewhere a little more private then?"_ Susan said as she looked between my mob and her daughter._ "I know she's messed up but can we just go sit somewhere and talk through this?"_ she looked at Sandra now, since it was her house and her say in the end.

_"Lets go in the theater then. Come on."_

Susan still held tight to my hand as we followed Sandra. I looked over my shoulder and Britt hadn't moved, so I stopped walking.

_"Are you coming Britt Britt?"_ I said over my shoulder.

_"I'm going to go find my dad."_ she mumbled and walked towards the back of the house, dropping the car keys on the table as she made her way. I nodded and then pulled Susan along to the theater. I was going to allow Britt that time to cool off, things would be easier that way but Susan didn't think so.

_"NO...get back here this instant Brittany. You are going to go into this room and talk this out or I'm calling Joe."_ I had never seen Brittany respond to words so quickly. She froze in place and turned back around to look at us. Her face had gone completely white and she looked at her mom in fear.

_"Am I missing something?"_ I whispered to Susan.

_"The last time Britt went off her medicine when she was ten...she set a house on fire...she was forced to spend time in the psych ward...if she doesn't cooperate...she may just end up there again."_ Susan said as she looked straight at Britt.

I stood there feeling so shocked it was crazy. She just cheerleaded as a kid...yea right!

My family had all heard this. They were all standing there looking at her and even though I could tell she wanted to make a run for it she began to walk toward us, like she was walking to the gauntlet. In many ways she was. I wouldn't want to stand against the woman in that room...so call me nuts but I just wanted to comfort her. So when she caught up to us, I linked my pinky with hers and held on tight.

* * *

There's a tiny room off to the side of the theater that is just a room that has couches on every wall. Sandra always jokes that it is a perfect place to have an intervention. Johnny had set it up just as a sitting room since his family does that a lot...just sit and tell stories. So here we were all cramming onto the four couches. I sat next to Susan with Quinn flanking me and then the rest of the women just sat on the floor or on a couch. Britt though stood against a wall and just looked down at her hands and bit hard on her lip.

Susan and I sat on the couch that sat against the back wall and I was finding it hard to look Susan in the eyes. She still held my hand and squeezed it.

_"I know that I can ask her myself and she will give me a million different answers so I want to hear it from you, what would drive my daughter to cheat? She has been in love with you forever and a day."_

_"I have always just chalked it up to her not taking her medication."_

_"I thought we had it under control. She has been on those meds for years. Her therapist said it was not just for her safety but others too. She flies into violent rages and lashes out...sometimes physically. She hasn't gotten rough with you has she?"_

I felt the sobs wrack my body as I nodded my head and gave her my left hand which had a yellowing bruise. She looked down at it and then over at Britt who still wouldn't raise her head to look at us.

_"I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I wanted you here to be in her corner and now I'm in here telling on her, it feels like betrayal."_

_"No, don't beat yourself up over this. You are just telling me the truth, which my daughter has failed to do." _Susan shot Britt a look and then looked back at me. I could feel the tension in the room. Everything was going to be out now...my whole family would know about everything and while it hurt...maybe it would get Britt to act like a proper wife to me.

_"I love her Susan. I just want her to be better."_

_"Me too. Now...tell me about the cheating...when did that start?"_

_"Um...November...she slept with Quinn and Frankie." I was going to leave Marco out if it, that was Britt's story to tell. "the cheating continued, unfortunately even on our wedding day."_ I looked away from her and down into my lap as I heard the gasps around the room. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to stop the tears but they were coming whether I liked it or not. I sucked in a deep breath and then when I felt like the tears had slowed down...I looked back up at my mother in law.

_"That doesn't even sound like the daughter, I raised. That doesn't sound like my Brittany."_ I knew that Susan believed me even though it just all seemed so out of character for Britt. It was all out there though, the women in this room had all seen different degrees of it.

_"I know. She hasn't been that person in a very long time. I'm relearning her though, we all are." I looked around the room at people nodding, "I have tried every method...I have told her to go off and do it, I fucked Frankie in front of her and tried to make her choose. I know that was a bad idea...but the cheating stopped after that at least for awhile. It was all quiet for almost two months until Rachel got in her ear about being too young to settle down and even slept with her! After that, Britt jeopardized Isaac's life by taking him on a plane when the doctor told her not to just to drop off in Lima. Then she asked for a break, flew out there and slept with Frankie while I was mourning Ian. I'm not perfect by any means...I admit my wrongs though and I just know that I have them...I just want my Britt Britt back."_

* * *

There was a knock at the door and then Frankie poked her head in.

_"Santana?"_

I turned around and could see the look in her eyes. She was so done with everything and looked trapped.

_"Are you leaving?"_ I asked suddenly. I knew that look.

_"Um...yeah. Siobhan called a cab. I just wanted to thank you for everything. I think it's best if we left."_

_"I understand."_ I held my arms open and she stepped into the room. Everyone was watching us, including Britt. I stood up and embraced Frankie and hugged her tight to me. "Thank you for trying to help Francis. I really appreciate it." I said in her ear. She nodded and hugged me tight before stepping back.

_"I'll let you know when we land...okay?"_

_"Yea...just text me."_

* * *

_"So what is it that you want to do about all this Santana?" Susan asked once Frankie left. _

_"I'm not sure, I just know that I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sometimes tempted to take the kids and move away from her. I love her I just find it hard to trust her anymore."_

_"Is that why you aren't wearing your rings."_

_"I told her she needed to earn the right to wear it. She has been spitting on it's meaning...I couldn't take it anymore."_

Susan pulled me into her arms and held me as I cried, I could feel Quinn rubbing my back as I cried against my mother in laws shoulder. Britt's head suddenly popped up and she was watching me with sad eyes. I stared back at her and while I'm sure she was hyper aware of the other people in the room, all I could see was her.

_"Ana? Can we talk alone...please? Can we fix this without the audience?" she asked. _

_"Yea okay, Britt Britt."_

I looked around and could see that no one wanted to leave us. They wanted to be there for me but I knew that nothing would be solved with any audience. It was too much confrontation for my wife. After talking to her mom, I was settled that we needed space. We had gone back and forth about it but I realized after seeing her with Frankie, that it was necessary now. I would give her the time alone with me though. It was only right.

_"Can you ladies just leave us for a little? If you are that worried sit out in the theater...just please?" _I said as I looked around. They were hesitant but finally Susan stood and grabbed my mom's hand. Once the two of them were on their way out the door, everyone else followed suit.

I walked Quinn, the last person of course, to the door and waited for her to walk out before I shut the door.

* * *

I was halfway across the room on my way back to the couch, when B started walking towards me. I stayed in place at first but then, I could see by way that was she looking at me that I should turn and run but I froze as she towered over me. The look in her eyes had me flashing back to past times, that look was doom...it was like looking at Marco or Papi.

_"B calm down."_ I whispered as I took a step back.

_"I can't...it doesn't help. You don't understand me when I'm calm."_ she took a huge step forward and was so close I could smell the sweet pickles that she must have eaten.

My stomach flopped. As I took a huge step back, my back met the wall and I realized I had willingly backed myself into a corner. I was right next to the door, my family was just on the other side. Britt reached over and locked the door and then looked back at me. I gulped and went to reach for the door knob but she caught my wrist, the left one and yanked it back and held it.

I bit my lip and looked up at her as the tears came down my cheeks.

_"That's not true, B...violence doesn't solve things. You know that. Let go...please?"_ she closed the gap between us and took a hold of my chin with her other hand, lifting it up so that the crown of my head was nearly flush with the wall. My neck was exposed as I looked up into her eyes.

_"I'm so pissed with you right now."_ she said as she caressed my neck with her fingers. Some people get turned on by that but with my history it freaks me out big time. I sucked in a breath and held it before smiling nervously at her.

_"Don't be, pissed, this was all to help you!"_ I said sweetly.

In a split second she had gone from caressing me to squeezing my neck with both hands. I tried to suck in as much air as I could but she was pushing down hard on my windpipe.

_"No more Santana! You can't manipulate me anymore!"_ she was yelling in my face now.

Everything was getting fuzzy as I fought for air. My hands flew to my stomach because I knew that if I wasn't getting air then neither was the baby. I used my hands and tried to punch at B but my punches were landing weakly.

There was a pounding on the door right next to me as I faught for air. There were stars in front of my eyes as I looked at Britt red faced, teeth clenched with tears in her eyes. I was fading. I could feel it.

Just as everything went black and my body started to droop, I heard a loud bang and then Padrino's voice.

_"What the fuck are you doing?"_

Britt had really fucked things up this time.

* * *

**A/N: The End...**

**No just kidding! Sorry for the cliffy...review away!**


	17. Chapter 17:Invisible

**Chapter 17: Invisible (Jennifer Hudson)**

* * *

**_Britt had really fucked things up this time._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Being me has always had its perks. I have always been able to say whatever I needed to say and people just chalked it up to the blonde hair and the uniform. I accepted that people would always assume that I was infantile and inept. Even my own family had begun to believe that I was incapable of lining up coherent thoughts.

When I was fifteen that all changed.

I hated her from the moment I met her. She wasn't like me, she didn't accept people's preconceived notions about her and so wasn't going to even try to buy into the assumptions about me. It's why I ended up marrying her and adopting her son. She was the only person that would not allow me to be the dumb blonde.

She knew better.

* * *

When I was six I had a tantrum and shoved my ailing uncle down a flight of stairs. He survived and has since forgotten all about it. My parents forced me into therapy and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once I was on medication I began to get a little spacey. My therapist Joe said that it would decrease over time but when I began to throw tantrums because I was spoiled and knew that's how I got my way...they diagnosed me with a mood disorder. I got another medication so at seven years old I was taking six pills a day.

Taking medicine was seamlessly put into my routine. Get up in the morning have cereal take two pills, get dressed, go to school, come home eat a snack have two more pills, go to dance, come home do homework, eat dinner, two more pills, brush teeth go to bed. It was so much a habit that I didn't even think about what kind of effect they had on me.

Being on the pills somehow disconnected my brain from my mouth. Coherent thoughts would leave my brain and go a zillion different ways and then leave my mouth a jumbled mess.

I wasn't angry anymore and at the end of the day, that is what mattered to my parents and to Joe. When I turned sixteen, my parents no longer had to monitor my day to make sure I took the pills...I just did it.

Until I just didn't.

* * *

The first time I skipped a dose was when I found out she cheated on me on her birthday. I had been so busy lying in my empty bathtub crying that I had missed the mid day dose. When I found that words were suddenly coming out the way that I wanted them to...I skipped the nighttime dose.

Unfortunately for me my anger had returned sometime during the night, full force. I couldn't control the way that my skin itched. Then she was off to New York wit her fiancée and Quinn and I were still at odds. I had it all set up to go to Santa Fe to see my Nonna but then I just needed to hear her voice and fix the rift with Quinn so I put off the trip.

I had been taking the pills consistently again so it wasn't so hard to just allow myself to forgive Quinn. That day when I heard her scream over the phone...I was glad the pills were there to cushion the intense range of emotions that I had been feeling.

Summer was dragging without her in Lima with me and even though I had forgiven Quinn for lying to me, she and I didn't really hang out. Santana had always been the bridge between us and without her there to be the third it just didn't feel the same.

I had completely devoted myself to dance hoping that the time would go faster. I missed her like crazy and just wanted to hold her in my arms again but things just weren't that simple.

With her things were never simple. Her walls always had walls behind them. Until Quinn had told me about her history with Marco and after I had found out about the miscarriage, I had thought that I had her pretty much figured out.

Boy was I wrong.

* * *

One night, it had been not too long after I heard her scream on the phone, she called me but I had been in the shower. She left me a sad message and asked me to get Quinn to pray with me. It scared me that she was asking me to pray for her. I knew that her faith was very personal to her so I knew that it had to be serious if she was making such a request.

So even though I could count the amount of times I had prayed on one hand, I called Quinn and told her about the message. She seemed just as worried as me but still helped me talk to God. I didn't quite understand how this was supposed to help but if it made Santana feel better to know that this is what I was doing then I would push through it.

It was a really hot day at the end of July and we were all set to start cheer camp which meant that I would get to see her again. I had just come home from my dance class that I was now helping to teach and found Quinn sitting on my front step. We hadn't spoken since the prayer over the phone so I was surprised to see her. I mean cheer camp was in like five days and we would see each other then...so why did she need to see me now?

I had been looking forward to taking a cold shower and catching up on my Disney channel shows but the minute I saw her sitting there I knew that whatever plans that I had were slashed.

* * *

_"Hey."_ I said as I ran up the steps. I noticed that she looked nervous and slightly scared and immediately my heart dropped. I knew that Ana was allowed to talk to Quinn. Was something wrong? "Did you hear from her? Is she okay?"

I felt the irritation itching under my skin when Quinn just shrugged her shoulders. If she couldn't tell me anything that I wanted to hear then why was she disturbing me. I swallowed my annoyance easily thanks to the pills I had taken a few hours earlier and just looked at her.

_"Coach Sue called me...she wants us to meet her on the school field."_

Just great! My aching body was now going to be pushed beyond its limit. I had thought I had more time before I would be thrust back into Cheerios.

Wrong again.

_"When?"_ I asked hoping that I could at least still get in a good nights sleep. Quinn stood to her feet and rolled her eyes.

_"She wanted us there twenty minutes ago so we should probably get going."_

_"I'm just going to put my bag inside and then we can go."_ I pushed into the house feeling angry. My mom was waiting there with her hand out. There in her hand rested two small pills, one blue and one white. I looked at her and then at the time. It had been almost five hours since my last dose. I just nodded and took the pills from her hand. She raised her eyebrow and I smiled before tossing them in my mouth and dry swallowing them.

She had seen my irritation and so now was going to interrogate me unless I willingly took the pills and then opened my mouth wide so she can see that I had actually taken them.

_"You almost let the anger get the best of you again."_

I dropped my head and just nodded. I hated these kinds of conversations but there was no way to avoid them. It's why I tried to swallow my emotions so she wouldn't talk about the anger monster that lived inside of me.

_"I'm okay now. I have to go. Sue wants to see us."_

_"Okay. Me and dad are headed out tonight so why don't you stay at Quinn's."_

_"Maybe."_ I shuffled from one foot to the other. I was becoming uncomfortable under her gaze and was actually looking forward to getting back out of the house even if it was to go see Sue.

* * *

When Quinn parked her little red car in the school parking lot, coach was standing there in her signature track suit but she didn't look angry like I thought she would. She looked concerned.

Once we were out of the car she turned and began to walk towards the bleachers. Quinn and I shared a nervous expression and then followed her.

She was pacing back and forth on a small area of the track but stopped when she saw us.

_"Sit."_ she said abruptly.

We sat side by side on the bottom bleacher and looked up at her waiting for our marching orders. It felt so off without Santana, like we were cheating on her.

No sooner had we sat down, Sue turned and glared at us. She seemed to be looking in our faces for something but I couldn't even imagine what. She looked at us for a long time before she spoke. I tried not to fidget under her gaze because I knew how much she hated that. Quinn though wouldn't stop shaking next to me. I wanted to rub her arm and calm her down but didn't think moving was the best idea.

_"When is the last time you spoke to Jugs the Clown?"_ she barked at Quinn. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes at her nickname for Santana.

_"About three weeks ago...Why?"_

_"I have it on good authority that she is riding the white horse."_

* * *

My mind immediately went to Santana happily riding a unicorn. Why Sue was mad about this I wasn't quite sure. I smirked and looked at Sue confused...maybe she needed to be on pills too.

I didn't realize that I had started laughing until Sue turned her glare towards me.

_"What's so funny about my best cheerleader being on drugs?"_ she snapped at me.

My heart stopped...how had we gone from talking about white horses to drugs?

_"What?"_ I asked as I looked at Sue sideways._ "Who?"_ I thought she must be confused.

_"Q, help me out here!"_ as if knocked from a trance Quinn looked at coach and glared back.

_"Sure San has smoked weed with Puck but she wouldn't ever do anything more serious than that. Surely your source is wrong."_ she was challenging Sue and I found myself moving away from her not wanting to get caught in the crossfire.

_"I thought the same thing when I was told she was off escorting a rival coach's husband so I sent someone out there and then I went myself. She looks like hell. She's skinnier than my smallest flyer. Then I saw with my own eyes, she came out of a private room with white powder on her nose and bloodshot eyes."_

The world was closing in on me. I could feel my heart being torn from my chest. Life with Marco had gotten so bad that she had turned to drugs. I wanted to drive to New York and kidnap her but I knew my rusty old pick up truck would never make it. I had been hatching a million different plans to save Santana when Quinn's voice cut through my thoughts.

_"Why did you call us here? I mean I know you're going to kick her off the team...but why call us?"_ Pills or not, I wanted to choke Quinn.

_"I want to keep her as my captain. I want your opinion. Do you think she will stop?"_

_"Knowing San...she is more addicted to her reputation and her uniform...do I think she will do whatever it takes to stay apart of the squad."_

_"What do you think, B?"_ I was fuming mad with Quinn. She was being so unaffected by all of this. I understand her need to be the ice queen but not when it came to her own best friend. It was wrong.

So once Sue was convinced that Santana was going to give in and give up the drugs she dismissed us. I didn't speak the whole drive back to my house. I had planned to go home with Quinn but after her attitude about all of this, she was the last person that I wanted to be around.

* * *

The days leading up to cheer camp were filled with me researching everything I could about helping someone through a drug addiction. Meanwhile, I got back on my schedule of pills and had convinced Joe to let me take the pills twice a day. There was just no way that I could stick to three times a day once Sue was drilling us from sunrise to sunset.

The charter bus picked me up at my house at three in the morning. I was half asleep and had to set an alarm to take my morning medicine at six. The moment I got onto the bus, I went straight to the back and fell asleep. I was exhausted.

Turns out that my alarm wasn't necessary because at quarter of six, Sue picked up her bullhorn and began yelling at us. I remember snapping my head into the aisle and seeing her leaned over Becca Rowe and telling her to list names, dates and locations of every Cheerios win. Sue continued this way for the rest of the bus ride. My phone buzzed and I quickly dug my pills out and went into the little bathroom on the bus.

I shut the door behind me and leaned against the window, I could feel my mood swinging from high to low. Being awaken from my sleep had set something off in me. The only person that ever been able to make being startled awake better was Santana. My body ached to touch her. My mind was reeling with how I imagined her looking. I had seen pictures of junkies and they were scary. I tried to picture the woman that I loved looking like that and it brought tears to my eyes.

Someone banged on the door, effectively snapping me back to reality. I looked at my watch and saw that I had been holed up the bathroom for over an hour. I quickly shoved the three pills into my mouth and swallowed. I nearly gagged. I scooped my hand under the little faucet and slurped up the dismal tasting water. My throat burned and there was nothing that I could do to minimize the pain.

Being a Cheerio for an extended period of time has conditioned me to ignore the bullhorn. It was nothing but a scare tactic and I had quickly learned to not fear Sue. She held a special place in her heart for me. She knew about my pills, she knew that I tried my best to be normal and she tried her hardest to never insult me. It was almost unspoken between us that as long as I excelled in the squad, choreographed the numbers and didn't cause any trouble, that she generally overlooked me when she was on a rampage.

She was dishing out directives to everyone as we neared camp. I wasn't listening to a single word. She seemed extremely agitated especially when she looked at her phone. She kept looking at some sort of video, looking nervous, and then she would start yelling again.

* * *

When the bus came to a halt she let the seniors off first, me and Quinn. I knew that it was more because she wanted us to find Santana. So we grabbed our luggage and began trudging up the hill towards the senior cabin. I could see her sitting there, picking at her nails as I watched her body tremor.

She looked like she was fighting a war within herself. Her body did indeed look smaller in her over sized clothes. Her hair had lost some of its shine and her smile faltered. I played it cool. I wanted her to know that I was there and that I loved her.

The first night after finding out some of what she had gone through, I locked myself in the bathroom and thrown up my dinner. I was sick about it. I sobbed and cursed. What was worse though is what I did next. I had skipped my dosage and was now hovering over my hip bone with a disposable razor. Cutting was something that I had done when I was angry as a kid.

As long I stayed on the pills, as long as I saw Joe four times a week, it stayed dormant. I didn't realize that I had swiped across my skin because I couldn't feel a thing. I rinsed off the cut, spread Vaseline across it and then went to bed. I held Santana through her tears, while ignoring my own. I established a new pattern. Morning dosage, cheer stuff, crying, cutting, hold Santana. It stayed like this for two weeks, until she was suddenly better and I felt like I could breathe again.

* * *

When we returned home, I had been completely back to my original routine and had stopped cutting. Even when I saw her run into Marco's arms and they began to eat each others faces off...I swallowed my tears and decided not to cut.

I had been home alone that night...staring down one of the kitchen knives when she showed up at my door. I didn't want to see her, I was ashamed of what I was trying not to do even with my pills properly taken. I was upset with her taking away my right to publicly love her, I was upset that I had fallen into such a bad habit at camp. I just wanted to not see her. I just wanted to not have to deal with her. We were done, she said so herself and so I needed her to just leave me alone. It hurt like hell to kick her out but I knew that I had no other choice.

After she had gone and I had won my war with the knife, I found myself sobbing on the floor and ended up calling Quinn to come over. I craved solitude but was terrified of being alone with so many sharp objects in my reach.

When Quinn showed up she looked anxious and stayed that way for awhile. She ended up getting a text from Santana. Her dad had hit her again. I wanted nothing more than to hug her and comfort but she had a fiancé for that. She didn't need me. Even still I knew that on nights like that she normally ran to Quinn and I was basically was keeping that from her.

So after an hour of convincing Quinn to finally leave, I walked her outside. I stood on the porch and watched as she demanded that Santana get out the driver seat. She must have been high or drunk for Quinn to do that. When she was walking to the passenger side, I could see that her clothes were disheveled and how her clothes looked like they were thrown on in a rush. In that moment I knew that she had slept with Puck. I pushed down the feeling though and rushed inside.

I needed to clear my head but instead...a new cut appeared on the side of my chest...just where my bra would cover. I needed to make it a point to see Joe in the morning. I was beginning to scare myself.

* * *

When I woke up in the morning, I dragged my aching body out of bed and straight into the shower. I had forgotten about the night before until my side began to burn. I didn't recall when one cut turned to four but each one was now seeping puss. Not good. I cleaned the area and then got out of the shower and stood with my arm up in the mirror. They looked pretty bad.

There was a knock at my bathroom door...it was my mom. I froze in place somehow hoping she would think I was Lord Tubbington and just go away.

_"Brittany? Honey, I can hear you sobbing from the kitchen. Is everything alright?"_ My mom sounded genuinely concerned and she knew that I never lied to her outright. If she asked I answered.

_"No."_ I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear me. She began fumbling with the door knob but I had locked the door and was leaning my head against it.

_"Open this door right now Brittany."_ I heard the warning in her voice so I cracked the door open and peaked my head out.

_"It's going to be okay. I'm sorry that I worried you."_ I said nonchalantly. This was me one hundred percent without the drugs. Not one hint of dopiness. It had been a full twenty hours since my last pill.

My mom gave a gentle shove of the door and I didn't even try to fight. I just plopped down on the toilet lid and lifted my arm so that she could see what I had been trying to hide. It was easier than an interrogation.

I never got lectures at these kinds of moments. There would be time for that later. I sat quietly as she put peroxide on the aching cuts and then Vaseline. I felt better already. She didn't cover them...I would pick at the bandage if she did. We had learned that the hard way.

The rest of that morning was a blur. I got pills shoved down my throat and Joe made a house call. He saw my remorse and talked me through my feelings.

When I finally broke down and admitted that I hadn't been properly taking my medication, I got a stern lecture. Joe and mom went on and on about this was a prime example of what could happen...blah, blah. I just smiled and nodded. I was happy to once again hide behind the cover of aloofness. I found that the more aloof and out of it that I acted the more they backed off. So this would be my new technique...act aloof.

* * *

On Sunday afternoon, Finn called me and invited me to Azimio's party that night. I didn't think that my parents would be so willing to allow it but they did, especially when I told them that I would go with Quinn and stick by her side. They trusted her more than they trusted me and almost as much as they trusted Santana.

So I called Q and told her that I was going to stay the night with her and head to Cheerios with her in the morning. She was quick to remind me that Santana was staying with her and that she would probably be embarrassed by her black eye. I promised to stay out the way as long as she covered for me where my mom was concerned.

The sole purpose of my outfit that night was to make Santana remember what she was giving up. I threw on booty shorts that drove her insane and put on a nice blouse that I had been told made my eyes seem even bluer...but it was the heels...even though I hadn't been speaking to her she had managed to leave them for me on my doorstep on her way to New York.

I later found out that she had given them to Q to put there.

It was a nice thought.

My parents are insanely blue collar. They work for every dime they have, waste is just not tolerated in our home, so anything expensive that I own like my iPod, my laptop and even my fondue maker came from Santana. She liked to sneak expensive gifts into my possession and then pretend it wasn't her. I never fought her even if it annoyed my dad because it made her happy and Santana's happiness means more to me than breathing.

So when I opened up the royal blue Manolo Blahniks, I wasn't insanely floored. I mean they were gorgeous but I didn't think that it was extravagant. Santana was making me spoiled and I liked it.

* * *

When I stood in front of the mirror by the front door, I couldn't help but admire the way that I looked. You know that feeling that you get when you know that you look good? That's what I felt as I stood there.

_"Brittany?"_ l wasn't surprised that my mom was watching me, it seemed like that was all she was capable of these days anyway. I turned to her and saw her standing with her palm out.

Right...my pills.

Once I promised that I would come home in the morning so she could see me take the pills, she let me go.

I climbed into my old rusty pickup truck named Sadie and tossed my duffle bag to the back. I was still iffy about staying with Quinn because of Santana but I was hoping that tonight went well.

I parked in Quinn's driveway next to her bug and carefully jumped down to the pavement. The heels were at least four inches or so, I had to be careful not to roll my ankles.

I didn't bother to knock, I just pushed open the door. Quinn was in the living room changing purses when she looked up startled. When she saw me her jaw dropped and she licked her lips but I don't think she realized it.

I heard her warning Santana about my presence in the house and rolled my eyes. I didn't think it was necessary since I was the one that was mad.

I left the house annoyed. I just wanted to check on her but she acted like a bitch. Bigger than normal. She had been doing a good job at covering up the black eye, even though I could still see that it was swollen. When she saw me she looked shell shocked.

She made a snide remark and so I mentioned her sleeping with Puck. She looked like she wanted to disappear. She tried to explain but I assured her that we were both single. Then I left.

* * *

The moment that I stepped into the hot sweaty atmosphere, Finn found me. He handed me a cup of some mix of harsh liquor but I took no more than a sip before he was slipping his tongue in to my mouth and pressing me against a wall. I pushed at him until he stumbled back with a goofy look on his face. Santana was right, he did look like a gassy infant.

That's when I saw her rush by, I was hoping that she hadn't seen me and Finn. I know I told her that we were both single but I only wanted her.

When I got into the kitchen she was stumbling and glassy eyed as she poured herself a shot and tossed it back. When she poured herself another shot, emptying the bottle, I snatched it from her and downed it myself. I nearly threw up but I didn't show it.

After I left that night I promised myself that I wouldn't let her break my heart. I saw her following Azimio up the stairs as she dragged a blonde headed kid up with her. She held tight to his collar and he followed her like a dog.

It was disgusting.

I found Quinn with her tongue down Rachel's throat and told her that I was going to head back to her house.

* * *

That night, after Quinn got back with no Santana, all of my nonchalance went straight out the window. Why hadn't Quinn found her and brought her back? What kind of friend was she?

A bad one.

I tried to head back to the party but Quinn stopped me and told me that we would just wait up for her then proceeded to fall asleep in my lap.

I heard someone stumble up the porch steps and shook Quinn awake so that she could open the door. Santana looked a wreck when I saw her. She had white crust on her lips and on her dress. Her makeup was smeared and her bruise was showing prominently. I wanted to cry.

_"I got her Q...go to bed. One of us needs to be alert at practice in a few hours and it looks like it will be you."_ Quinn didn't put up a fight as she climbed the stairs.

When we got in the room, me with Santana cradled in my arms, Quinn quickly changed and then scrunched up her nose at Santana.

_"Please change her clothes before you lay her down. That's just fucking disgusting."_ she said as she climbed under the covers.

Santana began crying as I peeled the dress over her head. She began calling out to me. She kept calling me Quinn as she told me about how screwed up she was. I just stayed silent as I ran a wash cloth over her face until it was clean. She stilled reaked of sex but there was no way that I was going to risk showering her.

For hours on end she sobbed into my chest about everything until she finally fell asleep. I was exhausted when Quinn's alarm went off. I hadn't slept a wink, too busy watching Santana, cringe and cry out in her sleep.

It was all a blur as I washed her body. She was like a zombie and stood there rigid. I knew that I needed to get home and so after I had done everything but Santana's makeup I made my excuses and left.

The moment I pulled out of the driveway, I sobbed my eyes out. I cried so hard I nearly crashed into a pole. I was hysterical by the time that I got home.

Mom was waiting by the door and looked insanely worried as she wrapped an arm around me. She never asked what was wrong, she just sent me upstairs to change, while she made me hot chocolate and a bagel.

And of course my pills.

* * *

I was dead on my feet by the time I made it to practice. Sue pulled me into get back office and told me to sleep. I didn't argue.

I woke up sometime around lunch and ended up crying in Sue's arms about everything with Santana. She told me how disappointed she was that things had turned out this way. I begged her to make the hurt stop.

So that plea to Sue turned into her getting me booked to dance on the Madonna tour. She was trying to get me away from Santana. So much had happened between that plea in September and the moment when I got the offer.

Santana and I had made up. She was pregnant...I had cheated three times. I mean so much had changed and I felt like if I left things would be worse when I got back.

* * *

**I look back on the start of it all, and that's when the fire started.**

* * *

My skin burned. I felt like my whole body was going to go up in flames any second like that dumb grey house. I was young and stupid and that house was ugly...I hated seeing it everyday.

Nobody even lived there but Joe didn't care about that. No one cared how I felt. They just saw the blonde hair and blue eyes and thought there was nothing in my head.

And I'm the dumb one. It's a fact that everyone has a brain. Even Lord Tubbington has one so why people thought there was nothing but air was beyond me.

* * *

She was the first one to see me, for me. I thought she was different until I met Frankie. Frankie showed me that I was more than silly B. She had confidence in my creative genius as a dancer.

It's what made me fall in real love with her.

The high school love with Ana was over for me but I stuck around for the kids. I love her more now like an old pair of shoes. She was comfortable but didn't give me the proper stability. Frankie was new and shiny and made me walk taller and straighter because I had to fit to her and not her to me.

So now as my new pair of shoes goes off with an even newer pair of shoes I feel lost and my feet are cold.

* * *

I feel my hands shaking and the fire is starting to burn right through my heart as I listen to her talk about me like I'm not even standing here.

When I'm around her and around them I feel like I'm just here. I feel invisible and moments like this just prove that I'm not crazy. What's worse about it is that now she has convinced my own mom to treat me the same way.

She was taking over my life.

I wanted her to stop.

Frankie wouldn't do this to me and neither would Rachel. Maybe on the drugs I was okay with people treating me like I was so breakable but now that I had learned how to hold the pills between my teeth and then later spit them out and I was clear headed, I wouldn't stand for it.

I want her to pay for not sticking up for me and not letting me stick up for me.

Why was she so stupid? I think the drugs made her stupid the way drugs made the gummy bears into gross sour patch candy.

I didn't want her to die but I wanted her to understand me like she used to. I have to break down her walls.

Both sets.

* * *

I have to make it so that she understands that I'm not going back to that sweet stupid dumb blonde she fell for. I was an adult now I would be nineteen in a month.

So I waited for the right moment and then I was sweet. I asked nicely to talk to her alone. I knew that they were still watching me. I had to play this right.

Mom led them out...so trusting. I love her. It was Quinn though...that bitch was out for my wife, she was more of a threat then Ari was. She saw through my tears, she looked straight at me and tried to see into my soul but that was on fire still...so she used her ice glare and I almost broke but then Ana led her out. It almost made me forget about teaching her a lesson.

Almost.

* * *

She shut the door but didn't lock it. No problem. I walked towards her and tried to seem innocent but she saw right through me, maybe because she is the fire...maybe she isn't affected by it like me.

Maybe she lit the match?

Or is the match?

Before I could tell my brain what to do, I already had her pressed into the corner next to the door. She looked up at me with watery eyes and so I touched the tears on her face and they stung me. They made the fire explode inside of me.

I was an inferno.

It was consuming me.

The door was locked now and my lips were moving but I couldn't even tell you what I was saying but I knew she was scared now.

Then she said something that made everything go red.

She had done this all for me.

What a joke!

A mean joke.

* * *

I wanted her to stop talking so I wrapped my hands around her neck until I made a complete circle and then I squeezed. She began to fight but I couldn't feel it through the pain of her tears touching and burning my skin.

The door vibrated next to us. They were trying to get in...I knew that I should stop but she was still trying to silently talk to me with her eyes. So I squeezed harder and then I jumped and squeezed extra hard when the door flung open.

I saw her eyes go wide and then they rolled back. I was pulled from her and her body slid down the wall. She looked like a rag doll as she sat there with her head hung over and her hands around her stomach.

The baby.

Oh God...how had I forgotten?

Way to go Blondie!

I was down on my knees reaching for her but her sister was over her breathing into her mouth.

They had forgotten me again as they all buzzed around her.

I didn't realize that I was being held face down on the floor until I tried to get back up. My arm was being twisted behind my back but I couldn't feel it. I was just watching as they tried to wake her up.

* * *

She was breathing again but her eyes wouldn't open. Her body was still and her lips were still a little blue like ice.

Ice.

The burning had stopped.

Everything stopped and then started really fast.

We were moving around and then I saw them...her that bitch holding him. I hate Quinn.

I reached for my son but I was yanked away. I wouldn't hurt him again. I screamed it but then he began to cry. I begged him to stop but he didn't hear me.

We were in the car and I was sitting in the back with Sandra and mom. Dad drove and Hector sat up front.

We were following Santana's car. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but was shaken awake when I was being gripped by two strong hands.

We were walking now.

Santana still slept as they wheeled her away. I hoped that the baby was okay. Her too I guess.

I'm sure she learned her lesson. Maybe she understood that I needed her quiet so she was sleeping so I could think again.

* * *

I sat in a room until they called my name. I thought that they were taking me to see her so that I could make up with her. I was sorry about hurting her...I just wanted her to understand me.

They didn't get that because I was taken to a room and they stripped my clothes off and pulled a gown over my head. Had I gotten hurt? I mean there was the blood on my wrists from when she tried to grab them and ended up scratching me. It wasn't bad though.

I sat in an empty padded room and then everything slowed down to real time.

It was like setting fire to the house but this time I put out a fire and still ended up in the same place.

I lied down on the foam floor and fell asleep thinking about dancing and Frankie and how I could convince her to be with me again.

I needed my nice new shoes back. The old ones had finally fallen apart.


	18. Chapter 18:Born To Make You Happy

**Chapter 18:Born To Make You Happy (Britney Spears)**

* * *

**_I needed my nice new shoes back. The old ones had finally fallen apart._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I couldn't keep my eyes closed. The fire had returned and now it was devouring me.

How had I gotten here?

They had refused me the pills that I was now asking for.

Begging for.

I attacked the doctor and almost hit Mom in the process.

She was all tears and sadness. I didn't like seeing her like that.

It hurt my soul more than the fire.

* * *

Everyone was against me, even Frankie.

Who was going to fight for me now?

_"Ana...Ana...Ana."_ her face bounced around my head and I realized that no matter what question I asked myself she was the answer.

**_Who would die for me?_**

Ana

**_Who would give me the sun and moon if they could?_**

Ana

**_Who fought her own family for me?_**

Ana

**_Who made me happy?_**

Ana

**_So why had I chased Frankie?_**

She was shiny and new but she didn't k know me.

She turned on me the moment she met my wife...**_who's fault was that?_**

Not Ana

**_Who went off and found someone else the moment I went crazy?_**

Not Ana

**_Who put themselves last, everytime?_**

Ana

* * *

My brain had tricked me.

My body had lied to me.

**_Quinn...Frankie...Rachel...Finn...Ari_**

They were all in it for something,

**_jealousy, lust, payback, lust, jealousy_**

They wanted what I had but I wanted what they could give me. I had it all...I had what they wanted.

Had...

* * *

_"Brittany?"_

My head snapped up and there was Joe and dad.

_"Is she awake?"_ it was driving me insane not knowing.

Joe looked at me but didn't respond but dad knew me. He knew that if I was ever going to get better that he had to tell me what I needed to know.

_"No Britt. She slipped into a coma. They aren't sure how long it will last. She lost a lot of oxygen."_

_"And the baby?"_

_"Is fine...for now."_

_"Izzy?"_

_"Isaac is with Sandra."_

_"Can I see her?"_

Joe cut dad off before he could make me any promises. I knew what hid answer would be so I turned from him. I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

I didn't need lectures.

* * *

I was in an office now. Joe's office?

When did we get to Lima?

I looked around and realized that I was sitting on a couch in between mom and dad.

_"You told us it was bipolar disorder!"_ Mom was mad at Joe.

_"Mrs. Pierce...she was a young girl. Medicine has grown and adapted over the last ten years. More research has been done."_

_"I don't understand."_

_"Her brain changed."_

_"Start making some goddamned sense Joe!"_ Dad was mad...he was never mad...this was serious.

_"Her brain forgot how to function without the medication and with the way she stopped and started over and over again...the medicine stopped working for her and morphed her synapses into something else entirely. It's not uncommon."_

I sat there feeling a stinging under my skin and my brain felt like it was ready to ooze out of my ears. If I wasn't bipolar then what was I?

Was I just crazy forever now?

I didn't understand and I was drug free. I scratched at the itch on my hand and Mom slapped my hand away.

I looked up at my therapist that had been in my life since I was six. He looked angry and frustrated.

_"Joe."_ it was apparently the first thing that I said in days.

_"Yes Brittany."_

_"I'm not crazy."_

_"I know Brittany."_

_"I need to see her."_

_"She's still not awake. It's been two weeks...the doctors are thinking that she may be brain damaged."_

_"No...she can't...she's the smartest person I know."_

_"Do you understand what you did Brittany?"_

_"No."_

_"A few more seconds and she would have died."_

_"But she's alive?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then she needs me. She's waiting for me to tell her to wake up. She's like sleeping beauty. I'm her prince."_

_"You can't see her Brittany."_

_"Why?"_

_"Her family has a restraining order against you."_

_"I don't understand...she's my wife."_

_"I'm sorry Brittany."_

_"No...you're not sorry!"_

* * *

I went to stand up so I could leave but Joe flinched and my parents were each grabbing one of my hands.

What did they think I was going to do?

Did they think I was a danger to the public now?

I messed up.

My own family was afraid of me.

It was all wrong.

* * *

I woke up in my old childhood bedroom with Lord Tubbington staring me in the face.

_"What?"_

He looked at me and then rubbed his furry head against my neck and bumped my chin.

_"You stopped smoking? You smell better."_ he bumped my chin and purred.

I pulled him against me and then turned towards the window...she was there. Looking at me.

* * *

_"Hey B."_

_"Ana? What are you doing here?"_ I whispered.

_"I had to see you B."_

I got up to go near her but she shook her head.

_"No...stay there...I like seeing you like that with LT."_

_"Are you mad at me?"_

_"No...always and only you."_

_"I messed up."_

_"Mmm."_ she said as she nodded.

_"I'm scared Ana."_

_"Me too."_

_"Izzy needs you."_

_"He needs you too."_

_"No...he has Quinn and your family."_

_"But he needs you B. He loves you best."_

_"No."_

_"I love you best."  
_

_"You shouldn't."  
_

_"Mmmm."_ she shrugged and rubbed her palms together. Her last remaining sign of addiction. It was what she did when her hands were empty for two long.

_"Are you really here?"_

_"I'm always with you B."_

_"But your body?"_

_"That's not important...I needed to see you."_

_"Here I am."_

_"I love you B."_

_"Too much."_

_"Mmm. Yea maybe...but I don't care about that."_

_"What do you care about?"  
_

_"You know the answer to that question."  
_

_"Isaac?"  
_

_"And?"  
_

_"The baby."  
_

_"And you."  
_

_"You shouldn't."  
_

_"Have I ever cared about what I shouldn't do?"  
_

_"But they think I'm crazy."_

_"Do **you** think you're crazy?"_

_"Well I'm talking to you and you're not really here."_

_"But you are smart enough know that...so maybe you just put your memories together and created me...that's not too bad."_

_"That makes sense, I guess."_

_"Your brain is special B. It works better than everyone else. Without my books...I'm the dumb one."_

_"You could never be dumb."_

_"And you could never be crazy."_

_"When will you wake up?"_

_"Soon. My body and soul just need some rest."_

_"And when that's done?"_

_"Then I'll be back. I just need you to promise that you will do everything to get better."_

_"Promise."_

_"Double pinky."_

She lifted both pinkies and I jumped up and quickly tried to link my pinkies with hers but then she was gone. I expected the room to change back to the hospital but it didn't change.

* * *

I was really home.

I went to my door and stepped into the dark hallway.

It was the middle of the night.

I walked across the hall and knocked on the door in front of me.

Mom poked her head out and looked at me.

_"Is everything okay Britt? Did you have a nightmare?"_

_"No."_

She stepped out of the room and shut the door.

We stood in the dark hallway together.

I was shivering.

Mom rubbed her hands up and down my arms and kissed my face.

_"Just tell me what you need."_

_"I need to dance. My skin itches."_

_"It's itching to dance. You never did well with stillness."_

_"I know."_

_"The studio is all clean for you."_

_"Can I dance?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"It's ok...do you want me to come with you?"_

_"Yes. I don't want to be alone."_

_"Okay...let me get the keys._

* * *

We walked downstairs and I watched as she unlocked the deadbolt.

When my parents were facing foreclosure last year, someone bought their house and gave it back to them.

I knew that it was Ana but she denied it.

Its the kind of thing that she just did.

My house was another safe place when her dad beat her.

This was more home to her then her own house.

Plus she loved my parents, sometime more than her own.

* * *

With the extra money they had left over from not having a mortgage payment, my parents turned my crusty dance space above the garage into a full fledged studio.

It was bright and beautiful and all mine.

I sat on one of the benches and laced up my old comfy sneakers and smiled.

I realized that I loved them...they made me dance better...I couldn't dance in new shoes.

They ended up hurting me.

Like Frankie.

It had always been right in front of my face.

**_Who could I rely on?_**

Ana.

* * *

Mom came into the room with a CD pinched between her fingers.

_"Tony sent you this music. He says he can't wait to see what you come up with."_

_"You talked to him?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did he take over as head choreographer?"_

_"No...they postponed the show two months more. They are waiting for you."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because you're amazing Brittany."_

I felt a small smile creep onto my face.

It felt right and normal.

I felt like me again.

_"Do you really think that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Joe thinks that I'm crazy."_

_"We fired Joe. Remember?"_

_"No."_

_"Well, soon the drugs will be out of your system and then things will start to make sense to you again."_

_"No more pills?"_

_"Just one now. Once a day."_

_"That's easy."_

_"The new doctor says that these won't make you feel so lost."_

_"So my brain will work?"_

_"Better...it will work better."_

_"Is she awake yet?"_

_"No honey."_

_"How long has it been?"_

_"Four weeks."_

_"The baby?"_

_"She's fine."_

_"She?"_

_"We knew how long you were looking forward to knowing."_

_"Who told you?"_

_"Gladys."_

_"They checked to make sure the baby was okay...they told Gladys she could know if she wanted."_

_"Wow...this the first girl in the family after six boys."_

_"That's what Gladys said."_

_"Is she mad at me?"_

_"You can ask her yourself tomorrow."_

_"Tomorrow?"_

_"Yes. She wants you to spend the day with her."_

_"Okay."_

_"It will just be the two of you."_

_"Okay good."_

_"Dance now Britt."_

So that's what I did.

* * *

I listened to the tracks that Tony sent me and picked one that I liked best and then put my all into it.

The sun was pouring in the windows as I landed in an arabesque just as the music stopped.

I had the dance perfect and hopefully Tony liked it.

I loved it.

_"Brittany?"_

I stopped and stared at the small woman that entered the room. Gladys had a small smile on her face as she entered the room.

_"Hi Ma."_ she never let me call her by her first name.

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Good!"_ I couldn't help the smile on my face. This was Santana in twenty more years.

She was beautiful and her smile lit up the room.

_"I watched you dance...my daughter always said she could watch you dance forever. I agree. You are incredibly talented."_

_"Thanks Ma."_

_"Why don't you head in and get showered and then we can begin our day together...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

My skin didn't itch after I was done dancing. I was becoming more clear headed as time went on.

I wanted to fix things.

* * *

The first place that we went surprised me.

McKinley.

When we pulled into the parking lot...there stood Sue and Quinn.

I felt like I should be angry at seeing Q but I wasn't.

_"Hey B."_ Quinn said without any hate in her voice.

_"Hey."_ I said as I stood there next to Gladys.

_"Ready to go for a run?"_ Sue said.

_"Okay...sure."_

So that's what we did.

Gladys sat on the bleachers with a camera and recorded us running around the track.

We ran four miles and at the end of then I collapsed to the ground, laughing and smiling.

_"Same time tomorrow Lopez?"_ Sue barked out.

I looked around confused, expecting to see Ana but then I realized that she was talking to me.

_"Yes coach."_

_"Good. Q, I'll see you later."_

With that Sue headed towards her black Buick. I laid there staring up at the blue sky and listened to the air leave my body.

I suddenly wondered if that was the last thing Ana heard before she passed out.

My poor Ana.

* * *

_"You seem better Britt."_

I looked up, surprised to see Quinn standing there holding her hand out to me.

I hesitated but then I realized that other than me she was the closest person to Ana...so if I needed anyone in my corner it was Quinn.

_"I'm sorry I did it...just so you know."_ I said as I stood back on my feet.

She stood there and looked me in the eyes. I didn't flinch or back down. I just opened myself up to her.

_"Why did you do it?"_

_"I lost it. My brain stopped working...it was all emotion...bad bad emotions."_

_"This is crazy...but I have to know, were you trying to kill her?"_

We stood in front of Gladys who was looking at me waiting.

I didn't bother even pretending to have this conversation in front of her.

No more lies. That's all Ana wanted.

The truth.

* * *

_"I love her Gladys. I lost my head. Something in me just snapped. I see now how bad I got. I see what she was trying to show me all this time."_

_"And what's that?"_ Gladys said softly.

_"That our relationship...our marriage...our happiness relies on both of us. That marriage and commitment is really important and you can't treat it like a high school relationship. She loves me so much, too much and I love her...not enough. But I want to get there. I want to start seeing her how she sees me. I want to see me how she sees me. I want to earn the right to be her wife. It would be so easy for her to leave me...but she stays. Nobody loves me like she does. I don't deserve that right now, as I am, as I was...but I will do everything in my ability to fix this. To fix us. To become epic again."_

Gladys suddenly raised the camera and looked into it.

_"I believe her Anita. How about you Quinn?"_ she turned the camera towards Q.

_"Hey San...we went for a run and you know how you always said people are honest after they run? How the brain can't think of lies because it's trying to catch up. Well I believed that. I believed Britt. I didn't think I would. I didn't want to...but I did."_

I stood there feeling dumb...like I missed something.

_"You two set me up? Thanks!"_ I said with a smile on my face. Why wasn't I upset?

* * *

Gladys cut off the camera and then looked at me.

_"I want to tell you something Brittany."_ she looked at Quinn suddenly. _"See you tonight at church?"_

Quinn nodded leaned over and kissed Gladys and then waved goodbye to me. I sat down on the warm clay and looked up at my mother in law. Gladys remained on the bleachers looking at me. It surprised me how calm she was.

She was supposed to be angry.

She had earned the right.

I wanted that.

I wanted to be able to look a person who had hurt me in the eye and be forgiving.

I hoped that someday...Ana would be that way with me.

I had to believe that she would.

* * *

_"The family, Hector, we are all very upset with you. I know that being a part of this family is overwhelming for you some times. We are in each others faces all the time, in each others business. It's our culture and we forget that it isn't yours. We all love you but we love her more. They love her more. I see you Brittany. I know that you love Santana. More than Ian, god rest his soul, who was in love with the idea. Marco who just wanted to control her and her father...who just wanted an obedient virginal daughter. You love her from your soul...but you forgot, you lost your way. I believe in second chances. The bible says a just man falls seven times. I know that you learned this time. Francis tried to explain it that day, how she got the chance to turn her life around. This is your chance but you can't do it for Ana. You have to do it for you. She loves you and even if the marriage is over. She is your best friend, always. Anyway...just remember that you broke something that day...a trust, a bond, and you need to know that even though Ana may let you back in you need to work on regaining our trust as well."_

_"Okay...just tell me what I need to do and I will do it."_

Gladys seemed surprised by my willingness to bend.

_"Here."_ she held the little camera towards me.

_"Um...you want me to record you?"_ I asked shrugging and taking the camera.

_"No...better. Record yourself."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"It was Ariana's idea. We had no idea...we still have no idea when Ana is going to wake up. You know her Brittany...she is going to regret missing that time. The doctors said she may wake up with memory loss and this will help her. So her sisters, each took the camera for a few hours each and then Quinn and Ari and now me. I'm not stupid though. I know that even with what happened, my daughter is going to know about you, what you have been doing and how you feel. Susan talked to your doctor. They all agree that this may help you tell Ana the things that you haven't been able to. Be open and honest with her. Share parts of yourself that you have held back. You owe that to her."_

_"I do."_

_"So would you mind recording yourself? "_

She didn't have to do this for me. I knew that much. I had really messed up. I nearly killed Santana and our baby girl. I had to redeem myself and if this was apart of that then I would do it.

* * *

After we left the track I went back to Gladys' house with her. We went into the tree house and she showed me a hiding place. One that had been hiding behind one of the blankets on the wall.

I found a binder that said my name on it.

_"Ana showed it to me once. It was when she came out to me. She brought down and showed it to me. She told me how much she loves you and how she kept every note and letter between the two of you. You should read them."_

_"You don't think that she would mind?"_ I asked as I caressed the cover of the book.

_"If you haven't noticed yet...my daughter is willing to do anything for you two to get things right. I believe reconnecting with the girls you were is a good start."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Can I leave you up here alone?"_

_"Yes."_

I looked over and saw two pillows against the wall, a grey one and a green one, side by side. I walked over and sat on one and used the other to cushion the book on my lap.

* * *

**Hey Britt Britt ;)**

**Hey Ana Banana :)**

**Thanks for cheering me up. Papi was pretty bad last night. :/**

**I was born to make you happy. ;)**

**You are amazing Britt. Promise that you will always and only be you? Don't change...**

**Always and only you Ana...I promise that I will always be that girl you are falling for ;)**

**Who says I'm falling for you, B?**

**It's not really a secret. I know that you love me!**

**I do love you. I could never love anyone else...no matter what happens I will always love you;)**

* * *

The page was becoming damp with my tears. I clapped a hand over my mouth but the sobs were so loud that my hand didn't even muffle the sounds.

I pulled the camera from my purse and put it on the little table with the Princess Jasmine lamp.

_"Hey Ana...you once told me that apologies from my lips meant nothing to you. So I'm just going to show you how I feel...okay? I want to show you something."_

I picked up the camera and zoomed in on the page that was streaked with my tears.

_"This was it Ana...December 2nd, 2009. It was the day you told me that you loved me...the day we went from being friends to lovers."_

I moved the camera to my face and looked directly in the camera.

_"Always and forever you and me, that's the way our lives should be. I was born to make you happy. That's my favorite Britney Spears song. You know that though...it's because its about you. I haven't been doing such a good job. I always saw you as a part of my past but stopped seeing you in my future. I really want to make things right. Even if I still don't deserve you in the end. I want to always be there for you and the kids...always and only you three."_

I clicked off the camera and then put the book under my arm and stood up.

* * *

When I stepped from Ana's bedroom, I could hear Gladys speaking Spanish to someone. She was crying.

She never cried.

I stepped into the kitchen and could see her slouched over the kitchen counter sobbing into the phone.

I didn't feel like parents should cry. It hurt my heart to see it. I put the book on the island and then walked around the counter and sat in front of Gladys. I reached my hand out and put it on top of hers and began to rub it.

When she looked up at me, I gasped because just for a moment I saw Ana reflected in her eyes. She said something fast and harsh into the phone and then slammed it down.

_"Are you okay? Is it Ana? Do you want me to leave?"_

She brushed her tears, took a deep breath and then took a few deep breaths. I watched her walls slam down faster than Ana's.

_"My mother just died."_ she said quietly. My heart clenched. Ana was going to be crushed. Her greatest wish was that her Abuela would love her again.

* * *

This was terrible. I stood up and held my arms open to Gladys. She shook her head but I didn't budge. She needed it.

_"Ana isn't here to comfort you because of me. Let me please Ma?"_

Gladys nodded and watched her walls crumble a bit. She stepped closer and I wrapped my arms around her and brought her close.

Hearing the strongest woman I ever met cry touched something deep inside of me. Her cries were deeper than Ana's...they came from a part of her that had to be her soul. I had only heard Ana cry like that a few times, the last being when I had my hands around her neck.

The thought sent me into a tailspin and I ended up crying too. Having Santana's mom hold me as I cried was the nail in the coffin for me. I knew now that nothing short of death would keep me from mending my marriage.

* * *

I held Gladys' hand as we approached Ana's childhood church. There in front stood Tio Gene who sold us the car. He recognized me and nodded. He must know.

I dropped my eyes and let go of Gladys' hand and allowed them their moment together. Gladys grabbed my hand and pulled me into her hug with Gene.

He wrapped his arms around us and held us. Gladys cried again and I just closed my eyes and thought of Ana. If only she was there. She would know what to do.

I wasn't catholic. I didn't subscribe to religion. My wife and her family though were very catholic, so was Ian, Quinn and Ari.

It wasn't that I didn't believe in God. I liked the idea of him. Some great protector. I just never understood it.

But because it was important to Ana, I was now committed to learn

When we stepped inside, I watched as Gene and Gladys dipped their fingers in a bowl full of water and then crosses themselves. I went to do it but felt someone lightly touch my wrist. I turned around and there stood Quinn.

_"You don't have to."_

_"I don't?"_ I shrugged.

_"No...you aren't Catholic so it doesn't matter."_

_"Oh."_

Gladys and Gene walked ahead up the aisle, leaving me with Quinn. She looked really pretty. She pulled me away from the bowl and back to the foyer.

_"What's wrong with Gladys?"_

_"Her mom died today."_

_"Oh."_

_"Ana...is going to be heartbroken."_

_"She is."_

_"Did she wake up yet?"_

_"No change Britt."_

She began to walk towards the bowl.

_"Quinn?"_ I called her and she looked back as her fingers hovered over the bowl.

_"Yea?"_

_"What if I want to become Catholic?"_

_"You mean that?"_

_"Yes. I want to become Catholic."_

_"Then you take the classes and get baptized."_

_"Okay."_

I actually liked mass. I could see what Ana loved so much. As a rebel it seemed crazy but she loved rules. She loved directions. It made her a good student, a good cheerleader and it would make her an amazing lawyer.

After the service was over I asked Gladys if I could stay over. She made me call my mom to asked for permission. I should have been ashamed. I was a married woman but I understood it.

I needed to relearn to live and so I needed this life of rules and lack of control. I needed to learn how to cope with my anger.

* * *

Being at Breadstix without Ana felt so wrong. Gladys and Quinn felt it too. We ate quietly, each wrapped up in our own thoughts

Suddenly I felt the need to film this. So I pulled out the camera and pointed it around the room and then across the table at Gladys.

_"Ma...say hi."_ I said. She looked up and smiled weakly. Then she pushed her plate out of the way and crossed her hands in front of her.

_"Anita, mi'ja, I'm so alone without you. If this is what you felt when you were young...then I apologize. I took you for granted. I love you so much my angel. We will see each other soon."_

Gladys blew a kiss to the camera and then smiled. I closed the camera and then put it back in my pocket.

_"How are you going to tell her?"_ I said as I looked at Gladys.

_"I have been thinking about it all day. I think she would want me to record the service. It will give her some closure. But I will tell her after she's awake for a little while."_

Simultaneously Gladys and Quinn's phones began buzzing. They both picked up their phones looked at the messages and then looked over at me.

* * *

_"Is she awake?"_ I asked as I looked at them. Gladys was pale and then she excused herself from the table.

I turned to Q but she was texting back.

_"Q...tell me."_

_"Ana...she uh...she's in ICU."_

_"Why?"_ I could hear my heart thumping in my ears.

_"She had a seizure. She...uh...they has to resuscitate her."_

_"Is she okay?"_ I asked as I felt my body go numb.

_"They don't know if she is going to make it through the night."_

_"But the baby..."_

_"Is fine for now...they can keep San's body alive long enough to get the baby big enough." _

That sounded horrible._  
_

_"What did I do? What is wrong with me?"_ I was crying into my hands. _"I can't lose her...I just can't Q."_

_"Shhh...she's going to fight to come back B."_

_"She's tired of fighting."_

_"What?"_

_"She told me so. That she is tired of fighting and just wants things to be normal. I took that from her."_

* * *

_"We need to go."_ my head popped up as I looked at Gladys. She looked angry and sad as she looked from Quinn to me.

_"I'm taking you home Brittany. I need to go to New York and be with my daughter."_

_"Let me come Gladys. Please?"_

Gladys looked at me. She wanted to tell me no. She wanted to yell at me. I could see how angry she was at me.

_"Please?"_ I felt my tears pouring down my face. She needed me. I just knew it.

Gladys finally sat down and looked across at Quinn. She wouldn't meet my eye.

_"Did they say anything else?"_

_"She woke up just before the seizure. She looked around panicked and then the seizure started. Luckily it was Damariz that was sitting there."_

_"Did Mari say what she was talking about?"_

_"Brittany."_ Q whispered as she looked down at her phone.

It was the only word she said.

* * *

I looked to Gladys and saw her face change.

_"Call Susan and tell her that we are going back to New York. We need to pick up your medicine."_

I wasted no time. Mom didn't fight me on it. She packed me a carry on and then kissed my face.

_"Make good choices, B."_

* * *

I squeezed her hand and then boarded my flight. It had been a full month since I had seen my wife, my son and my home. I felt different.

I was older somehow.

I was wiser.

I was the woman that Ana fell in love with and I was coming home to fix what had been broken.


	19. Chapter 19:Little Talks

**Chapter 19: Little Talks (Of Monster and Men)**

* * *

**_I was coming home to fix what had been broken._**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"How are you feeling?"  
_

_"Not good. My heart's broken up at bit."_**  
**

_"How was Britt when you stopped by the hospital."  
_

_"She threw herself across San's body and cried against her neck."  
_

_"And Damariz let that last like two seconds right?"  
_

_"Less than that. She had a grip on Britt so fast that it scared her."  
_

_"What do you mean?"  
_

_"You have to see her Ceily, she's different. Like a smarter, more mature version of herself."  
_

_"Yea but for how long?"  
_

_"I think this is real. I have known Britt since we were thirteen...this is the most level, most mature and clear headed that she has ever been. I know you don't want to hear it..."  
_

_"Then don't say it."  
_

_"No...I have to say this."  
_

_"Fine."  
_

_"She loves Santana...like serious love. All that shit that happened before this...is gone."  
_

_"I don't know...you're saying that but with me seeing my baby sister unconscious sprawled out on that floor. Seeing the bruises on her neck that were almost black. I mean...that's just not something that I can easily forgive."  
_

_"I know and Britt knows."  
_

_"My sister is laying there because of her."  
_

_"I know. Look baby...if you can't forgive her yet, I totally understand but I want you to understand that I want to forgive her."  
_

_"Okay. I respect that Q."  
_

_"Good."_

* * *

It was late...everyone had gone home but I had been allowed to stay. Damariz had set it up that way. If San woke up we wanted her to see someone that she loves.

I had tried to stay in bed after talking to Celia about Britt, but she wasn't receptive. What's worse is that of the Lopez sisters she is probably the most open.

I feel so torn.  
_  
"I wish you would just wake up San. You are the only one who can fix this."_

I watched the machines that were helping her breathe, the ones that monitored her brain and the baby. This was all so bad.

It had all started with Marco and those fucking drugs.

Her body had already been weak and was just learning to be healthy again and now, she couldn't breathe on her own.

It hurt so bad to see her laying there with a blank face, so small. Her body had tensed earlier the moment that Britt touched her.

How did she know the difference?

Her monitors had gone haywire and Damariz had totally freaked, I watched Britt fall apart after that, screeching and crying in a huddled mass on the floor and it had done something to me.

I know that she hates me at times but I also know that she and I need each other.

* * *

_"Quinn?" _my skin raised as I looked first at San and then behind me.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"I couldn't leave. I've done it enough. Gladys took me to see Izzy. He called me Ma."_

_"Oh."_

_"I can go back in the hall if you want me-"_

_"No B. Come sit with me."_

I kept my eyes on San's still form as Brittany sat in the chair on the opposite side of her. I watched as she took San's hand into her own and then kissed it a dozen times.

_"She's five months today. Did you know?" _

I spent a lot of time these days, drifting in and out of reality. I have been so wrapped up in all of my responsibilities. I had midterms this week, I had to check in on Izzy, and now I had to keep an eye out for Brittany. She was lightly caressing San's stomach and then leaned in to kiss it before looking up at me.

_"Is she? I didn't realize that much time had gone by."  
_

_"I keep a reminder in my phone. Today is October 14th. So Ana's five months."  
_

_"Wow."  
_

_"She was so excited about this pregnancy, you know once the shock of it wore off, even though I'm pretty sure she planned it. She was excited to see how different things would be this time without the drugs."  
_

_"Yeah...I know."  
_

_"Why did I take that from her? She's missing it all. Why did I do that?"  
_

_"I don't know B. We all want to know...but if you don't know, then we can't figure it out either. You love her still?"  
_

_"Always."  
_

_"Are you going to change?"  
_

_"I am changing."  
_

_"No...I mean when San wakes up...and she will...are you going to start in with the cheating again? Or the abuse?"  
_

_"No. That wasn't me...ok...maybe some of it was. I saw it like a game. I saw it like high school. Now...I see that it was serious, is serious. She is my wife."  
_

_"So what are you going to do?"  
_

_"Whatever she asks of me. Whatever it takes." _Britt said as she brought San's hand to her lips once more.

* * *

_"What if she wants a divorce?" _I stood to my feet and leaned over San. Her face was so pale and her skin seemed dry. I had to add that to my list. I had to make sure that I picked up that bronzing lotion that she liked.

_"Then I have to accept that."  
_

_"Without violence?" _I asked, as I brushed San's hair from her face with my fingers.

_"I will never lay an angry hand on her again. Ever."  
_

_"I hope you mean that Britt. Why is this so hard?" _I said looking back towards my best friend and then up at Britt._ "This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Our trinity, however unholy it was at McKinley, it was supposed to always be supportive. The three of us have all made our mistakes...you and me included.-"  
_

_"I'm sorry." _I looked up at her feeling slightly thrown off by the apology.

_"For what?"  
_

_"I have been so shitty to you. I have been so jealous of what you have with her that I couldn't see that you love her just as much as I do. That you would do anything for her."  
_

_"It's fine."  
_

_"No...I was jealous of what you two have so I went and slept with Rachel. You don't think that I know you Quinn? You don't think that I recognize that if she were to wake up and tell you that she wanted to run off and be with you that you would drop the world and do it?"  
_

I felt my stomach drop. I hadn't focused on my feelings for San in over a year. I had let that part of me go. I knew better than to assume that what the two of us had was anything more than a really close friendship. San loved Britt, I realized it and accepted it. It's never easy though...standing on the sidelines and watching. Wishing. So I moved on. I found Rachel and then Celia and I'm happy. I looked at Britt for a while before I actually said anything.

_"That time has come and gone. I love Celia. I'm happy."  
_

_"That's nice."  
_

_"I'm serious B. I am over Santana."  
_

_"Tell me Q, why is everyone so in love with her? You, Marco, Ian and Ari? What did I take for granted?"  
_

_"Her heart. Underneath all the drama that happens with her, she loves with everything that she has and is really at the end of the day just begging to be loved back. Her biggest fear Britt is to be alone...to be left. So each time you left without making sure she was okay...regardless of the reason...made her hurt on such a deep level. It's why she was able to forgive the cheating and the lying. If it meant that you were there with her...she would have accepted anything."  
_

_"That's not healthy."_

_"It isn't but San loves you. That's one of the only truths that she is sure of with all of her heart. She loves you from the bottom of her soul."_

I had been looking at San's face when I spoke but when I heard a tiny sob, I looked over and could see Britt clenching San's hand and crying her heart out. I felt like I was invading on a private moment and even though I felt like I should leave...I couldn't.

_"Ana, my love...I don't want to leave you...not anymore. I'm here baby. Please come back to us? I'm so sorry!"_

* * *

That Sunday, I sat with Izzy on my lap as we watched Elmo. He was clapping his hands and laughing. I loved his laugh.

It made me think of Beth.

_"I don't care!" _Celia came rushing into the room with Sandra and Damariz on her heels._ "Quinn...please tell my sisters that Britt is no longer a threat to Ana!" _

_"She isn't" _I said as I cradled Izzy close to me_. _

_"How do you know Quinn? How do you fucking know that?" _Damariz muttered as she ran her hands repeatedly over her face in frustration.

_"Because I know them both better than any of you. Sorry." _I said as I shrugged._ "Britt means it. She loves Santana. She made a really huge mistake when her meds were all screwed up and now that she is better you guys aren't even giving her the chance to try and be normal. Please tell me who among you is perfect? Who among you stepped in with Marco or your Dad? She needed you to defend her then and I know that you knew about it. I know that each and every one of you knew what she was going through at that house and Sandra you were here in New York when she was escorting and Johnny told me that he once saw her. He told you about it. So why didn't you step in? Nobody did anything...so now when this happens...all of a sudden you all care? Well guess what she loves Britt and when she wakes up, be ready because mark my words...she is going to be upset but she is going to forgive her...she is going to take her back and you will have ruined your relationship with Britt and it won't be easy to fix." _

They all stood there in shock as I got up from the floor and carried Izzy out of the room. Then I stopped and looked at Damariz.

_"By the way, Mari, Santana would not be happy that you are cursing around her son like that. Let that be the last time." _

Okay so I have balls...like huge balls but that comes from my sense of entitlement. I was San's sister more than any of them. I knew things about her that they didn't. I knew what made her happy, sad, mad, and I even knew what made her giggle like a two year old. So fuck them. I was there for her even now...more than them. I changed my world to be in New York for her. It was me and Britt...the unholy trinity. We would always be closer than anyone in the world...our families included.

Just like Sue signed in our yearbooks.

**_The unholy trinity is thicker than anything because together you had shed, blood, sweat and tears. Protect it. Honor it...and allow NO ONE break it!_**

* * *

Even with Britt back in the city, San still hadn't woken up and time kept moving along. Britt was there everyday and she slept by San's bedside, despite what her sisters said. She had only left to go to the funeral with Gladys but then she was right back. In one of her recordings in the hospital hallway, she is crying her eyes out with the sisters all yelling at her to leave. I ended up taking the camera away from her and pointing it at the sisters and dared them to tell San that she was stupid for being with Britt. Only Damariz had the balls but even she ended up telling San that if she wanted to be with Britt that they would accept it.

A person can only take so much badgering and Britt held on as long as she could. Eventually, though she just couldn't handle it anymore. The Lopez sisters were making her life a living hell and so after two months of being by San's bedside, Britt went back to Lima. She wasn't the only one to leave though. Damariz and Brenda went back to LA and even Ceily left, she went to go visit her mom in Texas instead of staying in the city with me. It had caused a huge rift between us especially since she wasn't out yet. I swallowed it though because right now all that mattered to me was San and Izzy.

It was Ari, though that surprised me the most. She had come to the hospital just once the whole time. I knew that she loved San. I knew that if Britt weren't in the picture that she would fill that spot beside San's side seamlessly but she couldn't bring herself to come to the hospital. She called everyday and sent flowers but she never came back. It had gotten to me after a month of her texting me daily and that's when she told me that after years of chemo treatments, that she avoided hospitals if she could. After that, I left her alone. Everyone deals with things in their own way and who was I to push her?

I on the other hand, spent a couple hours every day at the hospital. I did homework there, I studied there, I just couldn't leave her. I didn't want her to wake up alone. I couldn't bare the thought. I also made sure that Izzy saw his mother everyday. He needed to know that at least one of his moms was around. I had been leery about Britt coming back because I knew that she would end up leaving. I didn't blame her this time, especially since she spent equal time with him while she was in the city, even with the sisters all over her shoulder the whole time. He was her son too and she could have gotten angry and told them to fuck off but she didn't, not once. It was how I knew that she had changed.

They were just blind.

* * *

San had been in a coma just two days shy of four months and she was finally off the respirator and breathing on her own. She was now seven months pregnant and was all belly. I made sure to rub down her stomach with cocoa butter so she wouldn't have stretch marks and made sure to brush her hair. I wanted her to wake up feeling as pretty as possible, I even maintained her manicure and pedicure. Celia told me I should be a nurse instead of a doctor but I told her that San was one of the few people that I would do this for. I stopped shy of wiping her ass though, that was just not going to happen.

Ever.

I had so much faith that she would wake up soon. I hoped and I prayed as much as I could because she needed to wake up. She needed to be there for Izzy. There were things that I had pushed off my plate to take her on and now they were stacking up. I needed to fix my life because although San was her sister, my relationship with Ceily was quickly falling apart.

I slept in that chair beside her bed almost every night. I never left the hospital and it really bothered Celia. I tried to get her to stay with me but she said that it was depressing her too much. The sisters said that I was obsessed but I just knew that I loved her more than anyone besides Britt and they had run her away. I needed San and she needed me.

End of story.

* * *

I had just had a huge blow out with Celia over the phone because she had decided to spend New Years' Even with her mom in Texas instead of with me, even though I planned to bring it in with San. It was almost midnight but I had cried myself to sleep with my head on the bed. I was distraught and had been sobbing and telling San about it all just as I went to sleep. So when I woke up...I thought that I was still dreaming.

It started out as a light caress but then it became more tangible.

I felt fingers tracing up and down my face and was afraid to open my eyes because I didn't want the dream to end but when the fingers started to wipe the tears away, I opened my eyes and sat up.

I was met with her chocolate brown eyes looking at me with concern. Leave it to Santana to wake up from a coma and be concerned about me. See what I mean about her heart? She was trying hard to focus on me because she didn't have her contacts or her glasses. She had tubes going down her throat and tape over her mouth so she couldn't speak but her eyes were begging me to talk to her.

_"San?"_ I whispered. _"I'm going to get the doctor. This is unbelievable. I love you."_ She looked calm as she nodded. I leaned forward and kissed her forehead and then I felt her poking me and looked down and saw her signing that she loved me. I smiled and felt the tears again. I didn't want to leave her there because I was afraid she would drift away again but she was still looking at me as I left the room and ran down the hallway.

* * *

_"Dr. J?" _San's doctor looked up at me from behind his medical journal. He looked exhausted but still managed to smile at me.

_"Everything alright, Ms. Fabray?" _It still amazed me Dr. Jindahl had flown all the way to New York during his holidays just to look over Santana. She was just lucky in love. People wanted to care for her no matter what.

_"She's awake." _I whispered, afraid to jinx it, I turned right back around and headed towards the room with him and the nurses quick on my heels.

It was just so amazing.

* * *

Everything moved pretty quickly after that. I was asked to stay in the hall so that they could check her out and make sure that she and the baby were both okay. I sat there silently and listened to the yelling and excitement as the ball dropped. Happy New Year.

I knew that it would be impossible to get a phone call out at this hour with all the phone signals probably crowded so I settled for trying to send a mass text instead.

**_Santana is finally awake. Happy New Year.-Quinn_**

Dr. J came out of San's from with a huge grin on his face and tears in his eyes. I knew then that it was okay but I still held my breath as I waited for him to confirm it. I stood up and clutched my purse waiting for him to tell me the good news. He placed his hand on my shoulders and let out a bark of laughter.

_"She's really back and is not very happy that so much timed passed by. She is asking for you."_

* * *

When I walked into the room, it was brightly lit. My smile faltered as I watched her sitting up in her bed openly weeping as she rubbed her big belly. I stood silently waiting there and let her have all the time that she needed. She had missed so much time and so she deserved this moment to mourn that missed time.

San finally looked up at me and opened her arms. So I slowly walked towards her and then climbed up on the bed next to her. She slowly re-situated herself until I was basically cradling her. I didn't mind. It wasn't the first time.

I held her for what felt like hours as she cried against my chest. Her sobs were heart breaking. She kept caressing her neck and then her stomach every few minutes. There was no scaring or anything and her bruises had long since faded but I'm sure her mind had her remembering the pain.

I had begun to drift off when she pulled away and began to wipe at her face. I pulled her into me again and hugged her tight. I knew that soon enough our silence would be ruined when the family came in hounding her. She let me hold onto her and she clung to me for awhile too.

_"I love you San."_

_"I love you too, Q."_ she whispered as her sniffles died down.

* * *

We had both drifted off me from exhaustion and her from the weight of her tears. We were laying there facing each other when I felt her warm breath against my face. It was just like old times, laying there nose to nose breathing the same air. I kept my eyes closed and tried to savor it but it was useless because she already knew that I wasn't awake.

_"Q?" _She finally said as we settled back into the comfort of us. I tried to keep my eyes closed but she leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips. _"Q?"_ My head shot up as she rasped my name again.

_"Yeah?"_ I said as I stared wide eyed at her.

_"I knew that would get your attention."_ she said as she broke into a smile for the first time in months. _"Don't worry I won't tell my sister...shh...our little secret."_ she winked and I couldn't help but smile back at her.

_"San...what was it that you needed?"_ I asked as I pushed the hair from her face.

_"You wouldn't happen to have a brush, would you?"_ she said.

I couldn't help the smile that came to my face. Still vain, even at times like this.

I rolled over and leaned down to the drawer beside her bed and pulled out her hair brush. I watched her as she groaned as she tried to sit up but I could tell that she was still stiff so I propped her up with pillows and then began to brush through the tangles at the back of her head that I could never quite reach.

* * *

_"So it's New Years, then?"_she asked as I split her hair in sections and began to work through it, piece by piece.

_"Yes."_

_"Where's my son?"_

_"Izzy is with Gladys at Sandra's house."_

_"How is he?"_

_"Amazing. He will be 9 months this week. He's talking."_

_"Is he?"_ I heard her sniffle and stilled the brush but she shook her head. _"Don't stop Q...please just keep going."_

_"Ok."_

_"And the baby? Am I healthy?"_

_"More healthy than you have ever been."_

_"Do we know...the sex?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Does...B-Britt know?"_

"Yes."

_"Tell me...what is it?"_

_"A girl." _she froze and then leaned over and hugged her stomach.

_"Well hey Princesa! Mami's awake. I'm so glad it was before you got here. I love you." _she whispered to her stomach.

_"All done."_ I said before placing the brush back in her drawer. _"I'm going to grab you some water."_

* * *

I began to walk away when she cleared her throat and I smiled. She hated that sound. Sure enough when I turned back to her with a full cup of water she was frowning.

_"How is Britt?"_

_"Better. She's in Lima."_

_"Yea? This whole time?" _she looked a little sad but I shook my head and held her hands in my own.

_"She was here for a full two months until the girls drove her away."_

_"I'm not surprised."_

_"You know what will surprise you?"_

_"What?"_

_"She got baptized...she became Catholic."_

San looked at me and then felt her neck again. At first I thought it had to do with the choking but then I saw that she was searching for something and realized that she was looking for Ian's rosary. When she finally had it in her hands she closed her eyes and began to pray. I closed my eyes too and just held her free hand and said a prayer of my own.

When I looked up at her she was staring off with tears were in her eyes.

_"Say something San."_

_"She really did that?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Why?"_

_"She wanted to be one with you."_

_"Wow."_

_"I know."_

_"I can't wait to see Isaac."_

_"I can't wait until you see how big he is. I brought him to see you everyday."_

_"Thank you for that Q."_ she said and then beamed a huge smile. She leaned forward and pulled me against her. We held each other as we fell asleep.

Just before she fell asleep I leaned in and kissed her nose before pulling back.

_"I'm happy that your back San."_

_"I'm happy to be back."_

And it was then that I knew...that even with all the craziness that had occurred...we would be okay. That Santana would make it through this, with or without Britt.


	20. Chapter 20:Break Up to Make Up

**Chapter 20: Break Up to Make Up (Jeremih)**

* * *

_**And it was then that I knew...that even with all the craziness that had occurred...we would be okay. That Santana would make it through this, with or without Britt.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was only allowed to see Izzy for two hours on Christmas Day and it was so early that he was still asleep. I didn't want to wake him. I had flown all the way to New York on Christmas Eve morning and had to practically beg Sandra to let me see him. It took all night and me sleeping on her front step in the snow.

I was cold and tired when she came out with a cup of hot chocolate. She had been trying to hide her pregnancy but I could definitely tell this morning.

When she nudged me with her foot, I was so numb that I barely felt it.

Why hadn't I slept in the car?

Right I took a cab.

I knew that it was an important day for Ana and that she had waited so long for this day. I had taken it away but more than that, I wanted Izzy to see one of us at least on his first Christmas.

It was important to me too.

* * *

_"You have two hours. My sisters should be on their way by then and I don't want you to be here Brittany."_

_"Okay." _I put on my brightest smile, but she just shoved the mug into my hands and when some poured over the side onto my hands and coat, she just turned around and walked away._ "Thank you!" _I said as she disappeared into the kitchen.

I put the mug down on the dining room table, not really wanting to eat or drink anything from the sisters at this point. I didn't trust them.

I climbed up the stairs for the first time since Labor Day weekend. It was so strange being in the house without my wife. It was weird to be in the same place where I had done the unthinkable.

I wished so hard that I could go back. I had been working on my time machine but thus far it hadn't proved fruitful.

I knew it was a lost cause like the hovercraft that I failed to create, but hey I had to try right?

* * *

I pushed open the door of the nursery and there sat Quinn in the glider.

_"Hey Q."_ I whispered.

_"Oh hey, I just put him down. He had a bad night. He's exhausted."_

_"Oh."_ I said feeling disappointed.

I knew that once he had one of those treatments in him with a warm bottle that he could sleep for hours.

_"Gladys called and told me you were coming last night...what happened?"_

I walked over to the crib and looked down at my sleeping son. He was curled up around his fuzzy keys and his hair was a mess. I ran a hand over his back and noticed how red and swollen my hands were.

_"Sandra wouldn't let me in."_

_"What?"_ she whisper yelled.

_"Yeah. I slept on the front step."_

_"You could have died out there."_

_"It was worth the risk. Besides this coat that Ana bought me is super thick."_

_"I got here around midnight thinking you would be here and came straight into the garage. I wish now that I had come through the front door."_

_"It's okay."_

_"She finally let you in though, I see."_

_"Yeah...for two hours."_

_"Oh Britt."_ I looked up at her and could see the compassion in her eyes and I broke. I brought a hand to my face and cried into it. My whole body was shaking. I felt her put a hand against my shoulder. _"They can't keep treating you like this."_

I shook my head and wiped angrily at my face. I looked over at her and she smiled and I tried to smile back but I could feel my happy facade cracking.

I was trying so hard.

* * *

_"It just sucks you know...but I deserve it. I did this to myself. I know it Quinnie. I mean, I am lucky she even let me see him. Even if he is asleep. So please just record him today...for him and for her. Can you do that?"_

_"Of course B."  
_

_"Thank you so much."  
_

I rooted around in my pockets for the camera, hoping that I hadn't crushed it. I finally found it with Izzy's crumpled present. My heart dropped.

I knew that his present wasn't breakable but it had taken me time to wrap it.

It broke my heart when I pulled it out of my pocket all torn and ripped.

I felt my face crumple and finally, I gave in and allowed Quinn to hold me as I cried against her shoulder.

This Christmas was turning out to be a big failure.

And it was all of my fault.

* * *

_"So what did you get him?"_

_"I got him a gold bracelet with his name on it and I got it blessed by Father Jeremiah." _I said as I pushed it into her hands._ "Here you can open it. I know that he can't."_

_"No, B...I'm going to film you opening it up and putting it on him. San's going to want to see that."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. I'm positive."_

_"I won't wake him?"_ I was hesitant as I took the gift back from Quinn as she got the camera ready.

_"Nah...he's out cold."_

_"If you're sure..."_

_"Recording...now."_ she whispered and pointed at me and then the camera. I could still feel my wet cheeks and I knew that I probably looked a wreck but there wasn't anything that I could do about it now. I looked at Quinn and could see her smiling really big.

_"Right...Hey Ana. It's um...Christmas morning. I um...I came to bring Izzy his gift but he had a bad night and is asleep. Quinn's here..."_ Quinn swung the camera around and looked straight into it.

_"What she isn't saying San, is that your sisters have only given her a small window of time to spend with Izzy today. So she is trying to be happy about it and give him his gift. I so hope that you straighten this shit out when you wake up."_

Quinn finally swung the camera back around and I could feel my cheeks get hot.

I was embarrassed.

* * *

_"It's okay Ana...really. At least I get to see him."_ I said as I looked down at the gift and then began to peel back the Elmo wrapping paper. _"So I got baptized yesterday morning Ana, then got straight on the plane to be here for Izzy_._ I'm officially Catholic, like you now. I talked to Father Jeremiah about this gift for Izzy. He blessed it for him. I know that you were talking about the evil eye and stuff and how a baby should wear gold to ward that kind of thing off. So me and Ma went out to Cleveland and found this bracelet. It has his name on it." _

I held the bracelet up to the camera and showed her the name plate.

_"Oh wow, Britt that's gorgeous!" _Quinn whispered as she leaned in._ "Wow."_

I was slow and methodical as I put the bracelet on Izzy's wrist and made sure that it was secure and wouldn't snag. Quinn kept the camera on me as I leaned in and kissed his head and then placed a hand on his back. I waited to feel his breathing before I smiled a bit.

_"His lungs feel better. That's so good."_ I turned to the camera and wiped the tears that were running down my face. _"Merry Christmas Ana. I am going to make this up to you okay. I will make up every missed moment. I still love you and I am willing to do anything to set things right. Even if that means walking away from you. Whatever you need. I love you...Te Amo! Te Adoro."_ I whispered before blowing her a kiss.

* * *

After leaving Sandra's house with a ride to the city from Quinn, I had her drop me off at the hospital. I had come into town on the same plane with Dr. Jindahl and now I was on the hunt for him.

It took me five minutes to finally track the man down. I knocked on the door to the doctor's lounge.

_"Hey doc."_ I said and then waited for him to look up.

_"Brittany!"_ he said as if he hadn't just seen me the night before. I smiled and walked into the room and leaned against the wall.

_"I need a favor."_ I said jumping right to the point.

_"What is it?"_

_"I forgot my meds in the cab last night. I need to take my pill. Could you find me one?"_ I asked feeling ashamed for forgetting my bag in the cab. Luckily I had grabbed my wallet.

_"Of course! Come with me."_

Once I had taken my pill, I laid back on one of the beds in the doctors' lounge and took a nap. My body was so tired from the night I had spent outdoors.

When I told Dr. J about it, he wasn't very pleased with the situation and promised to have a talk with Ana when she woke up. I insisted that he didn't need to, but he wasn't taking no for an answer.

People had always fought my battles for me and I usually hated it but right now, with the way that things were going...I really didn't want to burn my bridges.

* * *

I spent the week sleeping on Tony's couch. He didn't celebrate Christmas since he's Muslim, so I was happy that I wasn't tearing him away from anything major.

We practiced our new routines together every day and it really helped to relieve the stress I was going through. Even though I was making myself scarce, Ana's sisters were still sending me texts and rude emails. The worst of them though were from Sandra. She was constantly sending me pictures of Izzy laughing or smiling and then would say how this was as close as I would ever to be to him when Ana woke up.

Despite the hard road that I was on, I still managed to get in to see my wife after visiting hours at least once a day, thanks to Dr. J, so I was able to avoid the sisters.

I wasn't able to avoid Quinn though.

She was just always there and when she was I would make myself leave.

I know that Quinn is in my corner and wanted to help me.

I just can't take the pity.

I need to be treated normally so that I can feel normal.

She doesn't understand that.

* * *

_"Hey Britt?"_ I had been staring out the window of my office into the snow when Tony poked his head in.

_"Yea?"_ I said as I crossed my legs under me.

_"I am supposed to go with Keisha to Times Square for the ball drop tonight. I know that you wanted to record one of the dances for your wife. Do you want to do it now before I leave?"_

_"Yea...give me five minutes...okay?"_ He nodded and then shut my office door.

I was so happy that I got my own office at the theater...it was spacious and had it's own shower in the bathroom. I had just bought a pullout couch and would be staying there for a while since Tony was going to Denver for a week to see his folks. He offered to let me stay at his place but I knew that I didn't want to be all alone in Queens. It made me nervous...I am always getting lost and even Tony is freaked out that I will wander into the wrong place at the wrong time.

I quickly threw on my sneakers and put my phone on the charger before putting my hair up in my old regulation ponytail. I checked my phone, like I always did these days, and then I headed out onto the stage with the camera.

* * *

Tony was already stretching on the stage so I set the camera up and then began to stretch next to him.

_"What song are we doing?" _I asked as he stretched out his back out.

_"Um...that song by Jeremih."_

_"Oh."_ I said as I thought about how it might seem to Ana. I didn't want to push her.

_"I know it's a bit ironic Britt...but it's the best routine. It's the one we polished the best. We can do a different one if you want."_

_"No...it's the best one. You're right. I actually feel like that. I feel like I want to make up, I know that I made this stuff bad. I did this major hurt. I just don't want to push her."_

_"From what you have told me about your wife, she doesn't seem like she is that easy to push over and really Britt she is going to wake up and probably will be different. She's going to be expecting you to fight for her. She needs to see that you are ready to fix the fuck up. It's a new year soon...and definitely the opportunity for you to change."_

_"You're right."_

_"It's going to work itself out. Either way...you still have dance."_

_"And her...I always have her and the kids Tony."_

_"She's your soul mate."_

_"And I took that for granted...I just felt like she knew how I felt, now I see though that I have to show her. I have to appreciate her. Fuck her family. I'm doing this for us, for Izzy and for our little girl."_

_"Glad to hear it!"_ he said as he slapped me on the back.

* * *

Tony hit the play button on the stereo and we both nodded along as the intro played. Then I began to prance at the edges of the stage as Tony began the dance. It was a push pull kind of thing.

When the beat dropped he danced over and found me right on mark and lifted me and swung me around.

Once I was into the music, I moved seamlessly, we moved seamlessly, as always. I loved the prancing part, it was my favorite thing, next to the stage slides.

This was my element.

This is what Ana loved to see me do.

Plus I knew that she like Jeremih so this would probably be something she really enjoyed.

I was at a point when I wanted to do everything and anything to make her smile.

* * *

This was such an easy thing...I had always been able to just understand Ana. It was just us for so long. I got her. I felt her and for so long I closed that connection off and now I was open again. Tony had warned me over and over again though that she was probably going to pull away from me.

I wasn't sure I was ready to handle her pulling away but I knew it was probably necessary and if she didn't suggest it then I probably would.

She needed a break from me.

She needed to go off and date someone else...maybe Ari...I hope it's Ari.

If it was meant for her to come back to me then I knew that she would but if she didn't I would want her to be with Ari more than anyone else because I trusted her to take care of Ana better than anyone else. I mean, yeah Quinn loves her but they are too much alike. They would never work.

It's crazy that this is what I'm thinking as I dance for her but I have to be open to all the possibilities.

She deserves love.

She deserves to be treated right.

I love her, we struggle, she spoils me but then we breakdown.

Usually because of me.

This time though, this time I was going to be better.

I was better.

* * *

I laid in my office with a picture of Izzy in my hand. It was late, Tony was long gone and the streets were packed. I could hear the people near the river getting ready to watch the fireworks. As I heard the countdown, my heart clenched. This was not how it was supposed to be.

_**5**_

_**4**_

_**3**_

_**2**_

_**1**_

_"Happy New Year Izzy."_ I said as the tears came, _"Mama loves you...and Mami does too."_

* * *

I took the picture into the bathroom with me and pinned it up on the mirror. I didn't want to be too far from my son.

_"I'm going to make this better Izzy. I promise you that. Your moms are going to figure this out. We love you and your sister so much and there is nothing that is going to get in the way of that. I'm sorry that I hurt your mom and God...your sister. I hope that they both make it. I will never forgive myself if we lose them...NO...no...I'm not going to think like that...I'm sorry Izzy. Mama is going to make this better. I promise you."_

I stepped up into the shower and just stood there. My body felt like ice...it was better than the fire. I just needed to get my emotions in check. I needed to come up with a plan of action.

_"New Year, New Brittany." _I muttered to myself as I climbed out into the bathroom. I stood there staring at Izzy's picture and felt the sting of new tears. I should be with him.

I would be with him.

Fuck Sandra.

* * *

I dressed in my sweats and let my hair hang down around my face as I grabbed Izzy's picture and made my way back into the office.

_"BRITTANY!"_ I jumped when I heard someone yelling and banging on my door. Nobody knew I was at the theater except Tony. So who the hell?

I swung open the door and in stumbled Ari.

_"What the hell are you doing here?"_ I said as I walked away from the door. Ari looked a little drunk and a lot dirty. Her short bronze hair was all over her head and she kind of smelled.

_"I got a text...did you?"_ she said as she dusted off her clothes.

_"I just got out of the shower...so I don't know."_ I had my back to her as I picked up my phone off the charger.

One new message.

I turned around and looked at Ari and she looked anxious.

_"Read it."_ she said as she ran her hands through her hair.

I slid open the screen.

It was from Quinn.

* * *

**_Santana is finally awake. Happy New Year.-Quinn_**

* * *

I reread the message over and over. I pressed a hand to my chest as I fell down onto the couch. My mind was reeling. She was awake. Oh God.

_"She's awake...that's...just...so..."_ I looked up at Ari and could see tears streaking through the dirt that was caked on her face.

_"Amazing."_ she whispered.

_"Yeah...that's so amazing."_ I said finally after rolling the thought around my head a few more times.

I put my phone down and then looked up at Ari. Now that I really looked at her, she looked like hell. Her clothes were a bit tattered and torn.

_"What happened? Have you been staying here?"_ I asked as I looked at this woman that I knew that my wife loved for so long.

_"Um...kind of. I've been staying in various places but when it started to snow last week...I broke in...I have been staying downstairs in the basement."_

_"I...didn't know there was a basement."_

_"Totally is. It has mirrors and wood floors...its like an old practice space. It's dusty and full of junk but if it was cleared out...it would be perfect."_

_"I...I'll look into that. Why aren't you in Lima for break?"_

_"Um...I was...briefly."_

_"But?"_

_"I got kicked out...they took me to the airport and told me to never come home again."_

_"Why?"_

_"Rachel Berry."_

* * *

My heart sped up. I hadn't seen Rachel, nobody had seen Rachel since August. She changed her number, she blocked us all on Facebook and after I slept with her she completely wrote me off. I asked Quinn about her occasionally but she said that she hadn't seen her.

_"I didn't know that you knew her."_

_"Yea...I didn't find about how she knew you guys until a week ago...right before she got me kicked out."_

_"So...how do you know her?"_

_"We've been dating since...since October...we went home together for break. I wasn't out to my parents. So she outed me...accidentally. I think?"_ Ari sniffled and then began wringing her hands.

This was just too crazy. Rachel of all people was outing someone?

_"Accidentally?"_

_"I invited her to my family Christmas party and she got drunk. How she got liquor...I'm not sure because it was a dry party but then she started spouting on and on about her ex. I told her to slow down. She told me Quinn never treated her like this. I asked her what she meant and she told me that she used to date Quinn, that she slept with you and how she even kissed Santana. I told her that we would discuss it later. Then she began laughing and clinging to me talking about her drinks tasting like colors. We were good...I got some water in her...then she saw my one cousin being clingy. Hot girl...only related by marriage. She always flirts with me...its nothing. Rachel though saw her and punched her in the nose and said to get off her girlfriend. From there it was bad...like really bad. I got thrown out on my ass...literally. I wandered around Lima...took Rachel home to her dads and then went home...I thought maybe my parents were just embarrassed or something...I got home and they were waiting for me with my luggage stuffed. They took me to the airport...and when I got to the terminal they told me that I was dead to them and that I better not step a foot near them or the church again."_

_"That's...really...really messed up. I'm so sorry Ari."_

_"Me too. I hate her...Rachel...she fucked this up for me."_

_"You could have come to me. I was at Gladys' house."_

_"I know but my parents wanted me out of Lima. So I got back here and couldn't go to Quinn. If she knew about me and Rachel she would flip and I knew that you were in Lima. I tried to get back into my dorm but I couldn't, it's closed for the holiday. I slept in Central Park for a few days but then it got cold and it was Christmas and so I broke in here and have been downstairs ever since. I got mugged a few days ago. So I have just been staying until school is back open."_

_"Well, I'm going to go see Ana. You can stay here...but in my office with me...not in the basement. Okay?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I insist. There is food in the fridge and the shower is right through there. Go through my suitcase and find some clean clothes okay?"_

_"Oh God...thank you so much Brittany."_

_"It's fine...really."_

_"I don't deserve this...not with the way I feel about your wife."_

_"I know how you feel about her. It's fine. If she wasn't with me...if she isn't going to be with me...I prefer her with you."_

_"She's going to take you back."_

_"I hope so."_

_"I know it. Anita loves you. Like more than life."_

_"That was before I almost killed her."_

_"Good luck Brittany."_

* * *

_I was just going to show up, I was almost to the main door when my phone started buzzing in my hand. _

**_Please tell me that you got my message.-Q_**

**_Yea...I ws on my wy-B_**

**_Tmrw, nt nw.-Q_**

**_Y?-B_**

**_Give her the day B. Trust me.-Q_**

**_K.-B_**

**_Srry-Q_**

**_No, I undrstnd.-B_**

I stormed back into the room and slammed my phone onto my desk. I was hurting inside. Did she not want to see me?

Is this how it would be?

* * *

_"Brittany? Are you okay?"_ I had been curled in a ball on the sofa bed when Ari came out of the bathroom dressed in a pair of my big sweats. I looked up at her and then began sobbing again.

_"Is she okay? What happened?"_ She came and sat cross legged on the bed and pulled me against her. I cried into the side of her thigh as she rubbed my back. _"You don't have to tell me. Okay."_ she whispered as she pulled the blanket around me.

_"Why are you being nice to me?"_ I mumbled.

_"Because...Ana loves you and even though you made a huge mistake...who am I to judge. Life is too short to spend it throwing stones at other people."_

_"You sound like the Bible." _I whispered as I wiped my tears. She let out a loud laugh and then kept chuckling for a while before she looked down at me.

_"I like you Britt. Goodness. Yeah well, I'm super religious. When my parents saw how close Ana and I had gotten, I was sent straight to Catholic school. I was there up until I graduated last year. I tend to fall into the Bible from time to time. I wanted to be a Priest up until I found out that I couldn't be."_

_"What about a nun?"_

_"That would be trouble. I'm convinced that more than half of nuns are lesbians. I would be in a lot of trouble."_

_"Ha!" _I laughed against her leg and looked up at her. She was awesome. I could see why Ana loved her._ "I don't think she wants to see me."_

_"Yea? Why not?" _

_"Quinn texted and told me to give her a day."_

_"I agree." _I looked at her and felt the sadness rush back._ "Oh no, no, I mean that to say, she just woke up. You were the last person she saw before she went into that coma. She just needs to process what happened. If she didn't want to see you then Quinn would have told you to just not come but she said to give it a day right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And Quinn is on your side, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then I think that this is just Quinn looking at the situation and realizing, that seeing you right now might not be the best thing for you two."_

_"Wow...of course. I immediately went to the negative. I mean I know...I **know** Ana isn't going to be happy with me but I don't think she would not want to see me. She isn't like that."_

_"Nope...she is going to want to curse you out at least." _she said before she started grinning. I smiled because I knew that she was right.

_"Definitely."_

_"Lets get some sleep okay?"_

_"Yea."_

* * *

When I got up in the middle of the night to grab some water, my phone lit up. I walked over to it and picked it up. I had a new message.

It was a picture of Ana holding her stomach and crying over it. Then there was a text.

**_Ths is y I said 2 gve her a day. I jst tld her its a grl. Her mom n fam r gng 2 stp by tmrrw. I dnt wnt thm 2 gt btwn u 2. So cum tmrrw nght aftr vstng hours. Ok? Meet me at the house n I wll brng u ok? I luv u. Hppy Nw Yr Britt Britt-Q_**

* * *

I felt my heart flutter as I looked at the picture of my wife broken over her missed time with the baby. I grabbed the camera and the cards with the videos on them and put them in my purse so that I didn't forget them tomorrow.

It would make us or break us, tomorrow, but I was ready. Thanks to Gladys and Quinn and now Ari, I knew that I would be able to make this right. With or without me, Ana would survive, I would make sure of it. I would be her time machine...I would be her peace, divorced or not. I would be her rock.

Our Day would come...and now it was here.

We got this Lopez.

* * *

**A/N: Read and Review**


	21. Chapter 21:Titanium

**Chapter 21: Titanium (David Guetta & Sia)**

* * *

**_With or without me, Ana would survive, I would make sure of it. I would be her time machine...I would be her peace, divorced or not. I would be her rock._**

**_Our Day would come...and now it was here._**

**_We got this Lopez._**

* * *

My throat was burning. I was gagging on air and bile. It felt like I was drowning.

I could hear her.

**Die Ana. Die Ana. Die Ana!**

I looked at my wife as she squeezed my neck and I tried to plead for her to just let me go. That I was so sorry for all of it. She began to laugh and I felt my body falling.

I heard her cackling as I slipped from reality.

It was the last thing that I heard as I slipped into nothingness.

* * *

_"San?"_

I jerked awake, with my head pounding and my throat raw. The skin on my throat burned and I was coughing really hard. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't tell if I was awake or if this was another dream.

_"Quinn?" _I whispered. I saw her blob swim into my line of sight and realized that I must have been staring up at the ceiling. _  
_

_"Here are your glasses."_ she said as she handed them to me.

_"I'm getting Lasik as soon as possible."_ I mumbled. _"Its like since I woke up, my vision is twenty times worse."_

_"Let me get you water."_ she jumped down from the bed as I slipped my black framed glasses onto my face.

Everything was suddenly clearer and I didn't feel so lost. I never had to rely so heavily on my glasses. I had always been able to opt out of wearing them if I didn't feel like it. Now though, it seemed my eyes were giving out on me.

Quinn came back towards me and handed me a huge cup of ice water. I pushed myself up into a sitting position before taking it and began gulping down huge amounts to stop the burning. I closed my eyes as I swallowed down the burning sensation.

I was convinced that it was all in my head. It has been four months and there was no permanent damage to my throat so what the hell was wrong with me.

* * *

_"I texted everyone last night."_

_"I figured that you would. Are they going to converge upon me all at once because I'm totally not ready for that yet."_

_"I told them all that you needed a day. Your mom though...she wouldn't take no for an answer."_

_"Is she in New York?"_

_"Yea. She is actually here with Izzy. They are out in the hallway."_

_"My son is here?"_ I felt my heart begin to thud. It was all I wanted. I just needed to see him and hold him.

_"Yes."_

_"Send them in."_ Quinn began to walk away and then I panicked. _"Wait!"_ Q stopped in her tracks and then looked at me up and down.

_"You look fine."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Nobody cares what you look like San, we are just happy that you are finally back with us."_

_"You're so fucking sappy."  
_

_"There's my girl!" _she laughed and winked at me. I rolled my eyes and sat against the pillows.

I rested my hands down on my big belly and felt chills run through me. I couldn't believe that I was so big. So pregnant. Seven and a half months to be exact. I hadn't even made it this far in my pregnancy with Isaac. This was new for me.

A good new. I was going to have a daughter._  
_

* * *

_"MAMI!"_ That was the first thing that I heard my son say to me. I fought my tears back, I was surprised because he knew me. I had missed all this time and he still knew me.

_"Papa!"_ I said as I held my arms out for him. I hadn't even acknowledged my own mother. I only had eyes for Isaac.

Once my baby was in my arms and hugging me, nothing else mattered. I held him to me and he rested his fluffy little head of curls on my shoulder.

_"Beso"_ he said to me suddenly and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I pulled back and looked at him pursing his little lips. I leaned my cheek to him and he made the kissing sound and planted a wet one right on my face.

_"Gracias Papa."_ I said as I squeezed him again.

_"Baby?"_ he said as he leaned down and touched my stomach softly.

_"Baby."_ I said mimicking him.

_"Beso?"_ he said again as he bent over, leaning into my belly and kissing it.

I broke at that point and couldn't help but cry as I held my son. I had missed this. Here he was standing up on his own next to me while he held onto my arm. I couldn't believe it all. I was so happy, I was so overwhelmed.

_"Why don't you talk to Gladys, I'm going to go change him. I'll be right back okay?"_ Quinn said as she held her arms out. I didn't want to hand him over to her but I recognized that I needed to get myself together or he was going to get worked up. He already had a pout on his face.

_"Come on Izzy...come with Dama."_ Quinn said as she walked closer.

_"Dama! Beso?"_ He said to his godmother. She smiled and swooped him into her arms and let him plant a sloppy kiss right on her nose.

_"Thank you baby!"_ she laughed as she took him out of the room.

* * *

I wiped at my eyes once Quinn was gone. I just couldn't believe the time that I had missed. I looked up finally and saw Mami standing there at the end of my bed with a wet face. I smiled really big at her and held my arms open. She rushed over without a moments hesitation and flung herself into my arms.

_"Ay mija, ay mi hija...ay mija! Te extrano! I can't believe you are awake!"_ she mumbled against me as I took in her familiar scent.

_"I missed you too Mami."_ I whispered as I rubbed her back. I needed more contact. _"Here help me up."_ I said as I pulled back. It would be my first time out of bed but I just needed to properly hug her and I couldn't do that from the bed. _"Dr. J says that I need to stand more."_

She nodded and stood up strong and held her hands out. I grabbed a hold of them and slowly slid down to the floor. My legs felt like jelly and had prickly needles going all through them since all the blood was rushing to my unused extremities. I leaned a head against my mother's shoulder and just waited for my legs to feel normal.

I felt so heavy.

_"Do you want to try and walk now?"_ she whispered into my hair. I took a deep breath and just nodded. She took a step back as she held me tightly. I moved my foot and felt like I was going to fall but I pushed through it. I had been through worse. I could walk, I would walk.

We made it about five feet, just to the end of my bed before I felt like I needed to rest. My body was still recovering and my lungs were probably worse than Isaac's now.

_"Stop...Mami...please...ju-just wait."_

I leaned back against the bed and tried to push out the air. My back and my chest hurt and I was beginning to wheeze.

This was definitely going to be harder than I thought.

* * *

Eventually after about twenty minutes, I made it across the room to the sofa and slowly sat down on it. I was so exhausted but I had pushed through. Mami stood over me with a worried look on her face.

_"Do you need me to get the doctor?"_ she said as she pushed my hair from my face.

_"Yes."_ I whispered as my breathing was becoming more labored.

This wasn't the time to be strong. I didn't want to compromise my health.

I leaned my head back and tried my best to breathe.

_"Santana...the lungs giving you trouble?"_ I had passed out. I pushed my eyes open and there was a mask on my face and there was Dr. Jindahl trying to talk to me._ "There you are...you are on oxygen. Just try and take deep breaths okay?"_ I nodded and took a deep breath. I moaned when I felt a sharp pain in my chest and then a kick from the baby.

A kick from the baby.

I put my shaky hands to my stomach and pressed down a little and received another kick in return. I felt my mood lighten suddenly. I hadn't really experienced Isaac moving as much. He was still most of the time but this baby was definitely feisty.

I was really in for it if she was anything like me.

* * *

Even though I felt like I was insanely heavy, Dr. Jindahl lifted me up from the couch and cradled me in his arms as he took me back to the bed as if I was nothing more than a sack of flour. I shook my head at him but he just chuckled and looked me fiercely in the eyes.

_"You need to take it easy. You were on a respirator up until a week ago. Your lungs need to heal. Okay?"_ he said as he situated me in the bed.

_"Okay."_

_"Are you ready for me to bring your mom back in?"_

_"No."_ I said as I leaned my head back.

_"No?"_

_"I need to talk to you."_ I said after a deep breath.

_"Are you capable? We can talk later?"_ He said as he rested a hand on my upper chest and took deep breaths. I concentrated on him and tried to mimic his breathing pattern but I was getting sharp pains. _"More oxygen?"_ he asked and I nodded.

I watched with labored breaths as he set the machine up next to me and slipped the mask onto my face. When he flipped the switch and the oxygen began to pump into my system, I felt a little better.

* * *

_"How about I talk and you squeeze my hand. Once for yes, twice for no. Okay?"_

I squeezed his hand once.

_"Okay...did you want to talk about Brittany?"_

I squeezed once.

_"You want to know if I spoke to her?"_

I squeezed once.

_"Yes I did. I speak to her a lot. She has been here everyday. Well when the family isn't around."_ I know that he saw the look on my face.

I raised a shaky hand to the mask and lifted it up.

_"Why?"_ I whispered before pulling it down again.

_"Don't do that again. ok?"_

I squeezed once.

_"She has been trying to redeem herself and its been a long road for her. You will no doubt hear tons of stories Santana. I know that you are smart and you will know who is for true and who isn't. That girl hurt you bad but that is between you two. She has changed. Your mom and Quinn are both in her corner. So she must have convinced them. Your sisters though...are giving her a hard way. I'm a bit angry with your oldest sister the most."_

I looked at him and shrugged.

_"She forced Brittany to sleep out on the front step in the snow on Christmas Eve. That is just too harsh for words."_

I felt tears prick my eyes. I was mad. I was really mad at Brittany and I had every reason to be but that was no reason for my family to treat her that way. She could have gotten really sick. If she had changed the way Quinn and now Dr. J were telling me then that couldn't have made her feel good.

_"Don't get worked up okay?"_

I squeezed twice.

_"No?"_

I shook my head.

_"You want to see her?"_

I squeezed once.

He nodded and then stood from the chair he had sat in. He looked determined. _"I'm going to tell them that you need to rest and to come back tomorrow. I will tell Quinn that you need Brittany, tonight."_

I nodded and then closed my eyes. I couldn't let this go on. I had to see where Britt's head was. I had to see if I still held her heart.

* * *

I must have slept a while because when I woke up, the lights were on and the sun had gone down. I could hear a lot of shouting and knew that something had to be going on out in the hall. I groaned and pushed myself up and immediately felt lightheaded.

I groaned and leaned back agains the pillows.

_"Not a nice way to wake up, huh?"_ My heart froze in my chest. I looked up and there she sat right in the chair beside my bed. _"I had to lock the door and now they are mad. It was Quinn's suggestion."_

_"How long have you been in here?"_ I whispered as I leaned back and looked at my wife.

_"Only like a minute. I literally just sat down."_ she said nervously. She looked me in the eyes and didn't bite her lip. Not even for a second.

_"Considering the last time you locked a door when it was just the two of us..." _I couldn't finish my sentence because I watched her face drop and her nod in understanding. She slowly stood to her feet and began to walk back across the room.

_"What are you doing?"  
_

_"I'm going to open the door."  
_

_"No. Come back. Come sit with me?" _

I was supposed to be mad.

Why was I inviting her in my bed?_  
_

_"How about the chair...how about I sit in the chair?" she said as she turned and looked at me.  
_

_"No...please?"_ I said as I scooted over and made room for her._  
_

_"If you're sure..."_ she said as she stayed rooted to her spot._  
_

_"I'm sure."  
_

_"Okay then."_ I watched Britt walk towards me and I knew, immediately that this was my Brittany. This was the woman I fell for. Thank God.

* * *

I sat still, as Britt kicked off her shoes and then climbed up onto the bed with me. She sat really still and looked forward towards the window.

She was afraid of me, afraid of what I would say._  
_

So was I._  
_

_"Why'd you do it?"_ I finally whispered as I held up my pinky.

She hesitated and then took my whole hand in hers.

_"High school is over Ana. It's time for me to grow up." _she cupped my hand in hers instead of taking my pinky and then brought it to her lips and kissed it.

_"Yea?"  
_

_"I lost myself that day. I reached a limit that I didn't know that I had and I snapped. It was the worst day of my life and I wish that I could take it back but I can't. All I can do, all we can do is move forward. I'm so sorry for everything. For lying, for cheating, for hurting you and I'm sorry the most for stealing time away from you."  
_

_"Thank you." _I squeezed her hand and rested my head onto her shoulder.

_"I can't believe that you actually wanted me here. That you are touching me."  
_

_"And I don't want you to leave. I know how I want you to make this up to me...or start to make it up to me."  
_

_"I'll do anything."  
_

_"Are you sure about that?"  
_

_"Positive."  
_

_"Then you can start by helping me get out of this hospital as quickly and healthily as possible. I need help standing and showering and changing. I need you to take care of me while I get better." _I said feeling settled in my decision._  
_

_"Okay."  
_

_"Yeah?"  
_

_"Yes...I'm willing. I just don't know how your sisters are going to take that."  
_

_"Let me take care of them. Do you have your phone?"  
_

She leaned over and grabbed her purse. She dug through it and handed me her phone without hesitation. _  
_

_**Hey Q, it's San. I need you to take B to the mall and get me some clothes while I talk to my sisters. Can you come in here and escort her out?-S**  
_

_"Unlock the door B." _I said as I handed her phone back.

* * *

_"I don't fucking care! Do you understand me! I don't care if she had gone off and fucked Johnny, that was just fucked up and cruel what you did! And as for the rest of you...let me deal with this, my own way. I don't need you to punish her. I need to deal with her, this is my marriage, so let me do it in my own way. On my own fucking terms. Got it?"  
_

Damariz, Celia and Sandra looked at me gobsmacked. Brenda was quiet on the phone. I was fuming as I sat in the bed and tried to calm myself down._  
_

_"Ana...you shouldn't get yourself so worked up." _That was Mari._  
_

_"I'm sorry Ana. You're right. I'll back off. We all will. Right?" _Celia said sounding every bit as rational as I was used to._  
_

_"No. Fuck that shit. If you want to go back to her Santana, that's your dumb mistake but I don't want her in my house, I don't want her on my steps, I don't want her on my fucking driveway. I'm done. Got it?" _I looked at Sandra and felt my skin get red hot. She was letting her pregnancy hormones get the best of her._  
_

_"You need to calm down Sandra...that's not good for the baby."  
_

_"Shut up Mari!" _Sandra and Celia yelled at her._  
_

_"Enough!" _I could hear Brenda yelling from the phone._ "Stop the fighting. Ana is a grown woman. She's stubborn like Papi. She knows her wife and if the shoe was on the other foot...if Johnny did that to you Sandra or Saul to you Mari, Ana would do whatever you requested. She wouldn't disrespect your husbands. Sandra I'm shocked that you are being this way...Johnny just found out about Siani and here you are acting like this towards your own blood."  
_

The room went quiet._  
_

_"Siani?" _I looked over towards my oldest sister who had gone pale. She looked at me with watery eyes and then at the phone._  
_

_"Fuck you Brenda."_ she muttered before storming from the room.

* * *

I jumped when the door slammed._  
_

_"Someone please tell me who Siani is?" _I said even though I had an idea._  
_

_"Johnny...he um...a girl just came forward with a baby. It's his. Her name is Siani, she's four months old." _Mari said as she rubbed her big belly. I was a month further along than her but she looked twice my size._  
_

_"Fuck." _I muttered as the information soaked in._ "And now she's pregnant."  
_

_"Four months."  
_

_"So what his mistress has a baby and he goes home and knocks up Sandra?"_ I said as I looked around. They remained quiet._ "I can see why she's so mad in general. But really...Britt in the snow all night? That's fucked up. You guys have to stop this. Don't let Sandra drag you down in her bitterness. Keep her from killing Britt. Please?"_ I said as I looked at them.

They all looked unsure and I didn't blame them.

Shit, I envied the anger that they felt!

Britt deserved to be punished for what she had done but I had a feeling that she was doing it better than the rest of us ever could. I wanted to give her the chance to fix this. Not for me though but for Isaac. The kids mattered more than anything else.

And I think that she understood that.

Brittany had always been much smarter than anyone gave her credit for.

* * *

After all the drama was gone, Brittany came back alone with a bag full of clothes and a Cheerios duffel bag.

_"Ready to shower?"_ she said as she put the bag down and immediately began to go through it. _"Bet you can't wait to wear your own clothes."_ she muttered as she pulled out my huge Julliard shirt that she had bought me.

_"Britt Britt?"_ I said as I held my arms out to her. She turned around and froze. _"Please?"_ I felt the tears pricking my eyes.

Fuck everyone, I needed her touch.

_"Are you sure?"_ she said as she put the stuff down on top of the bag.

_"Please? I just need to know that you are here...that my best friend is here."_ I said as I dropped my head. She came over and lightly raised my chin. As I looked up into her eyes I shivered.

How could I still trust her to touch my face?

She quickly leaned in and wrapped her arms around my body.

She was firm but not hard.

It was what I needed.


	22. Chapter 22:Unstoppable

**Chapter 22: Unstoppable (Rascal Flatts)**

* * *

**_How could I still trust her to touch my face?_**

**_She quickly leaned in and wrapped her arms around my body._**

**_She was firm but not hard._**

**_It was what I needed._**

* * *

I could never wrap my mind completely around the fact that my wife was just so unbelievably beautiful.

We stood together in the shower and I helped her stay steady as she ran the shampoo through her hair. I stood there trying to be as respectful of her as possible.

When the control of your own body is taken from you like I did when I took away her ability to breathe, I know that it must be hard to trust. I didn't want her to feel like she had made a mistake by trusting me enough to take care of her,

_"Who gave this to you?"_ I looked up at her and realized that she was clutching the black onyx and ruby rosary that hung around my neck.

_"Sue. She was the only person with me when I got baptized. My parents had already gone to Chicago and so she came and brought this to me. It was a gift from her sister."_

_"Wow...I didn't know that Sue was Catholic."_

_"She apparently had been a nun for a little while."_

_"No!"_

Ana looked at me in disbelief but I just nodded and then she barked out in laughter.

_"I thought it was a bit crazy myself but hey most of things that coach says are insane."_

* * *

I reached for the conditioner and went to hand it to her and she gripped my hand.

_"You're wearing your wedding band?"_

_"Yea...I hope that's okay."_

She was looking at me as if her face was frozen. I smiled and shook her hand off. She was still staring at me as I began to massage the conditioner into her hair.

_"Its fine."_ she finally whispered as she closed her eyes and rubbed her belly.

I stood there and just watched her. She was just so naturally beautiful and had the heart to match it. I closed my eyes and quickly thanked God for her.

_"Are you okay Britt?"_ I finished my prayer and looked up at her confused face and just smiled.

_"I'm more than okay."_

And I was.

* * *

After helping her get dressed and carrying her to bed, I was exhausted but I pushed it to the side because this was about her comfort...not mine.

_"Do you need anything?"_ I asked as I adjusted her pillows and blankets.

_"Just you."_

_"I'm here."_

_"No...you in this bed with me."_

I sighed. I didn't know what she was playing at but I didn't feel like us getting so close was the best idea.

_"I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm all set to sleep on the couch."_ I said trying to get her to see that I was doing this for her.

_"Did you move on?"_ she asked, looking me straight in the eye.

I was confused...moved on where?

_"I'm right here Ana. What do you mean?"_

_"Are you seeing someone else? Is that why you are pulling away from me?"_

_"What? No! I'm here with you, for you. I just want you to get better."_

_"You don't want me anymore?"_ she wasn't looking at me anymore. She looked hurt as she focused on rubbing her stomach.

_"What? Ana...I so want you. You know that."_ I said as I reached out and rested a hand on top of one of hers.

_"No."_ she pulled her hand put from under mine and moved to a different spot.

_"No?"_

_"What have you done that shows that you want me? You lied, you cheated...you put me in here!"_ she was throwing her walls up.

She was right. I was acting like she knew everything that happened while she was asleep. Of course she didn't.

I turned from her and moved to turn off the lights. I heard her huff in frustration. I lifted the sheet and squeezed in behind her. I wrapped an arm under her belly and pulled her against me, taking a moment to just inhale the scent of her.

Her body was shaking, she was crying.

_"Please don't cry Ana...I want you okay. I really do...I promise. Okay?"_

I lifted my pinky and found her hand. I nudged her pinky and waited for her to grip mine. It took her a second but finally she released a shuddering breath and latched onto my finger.

_"Okay."_ she whispered into the darkness.

* * *

I was so tired and the poking in my side wasn't helping. I laid flat on my back and opened my eyes finally and saw that it was still dark in the room. The poking continued. I turned my head and saw that Ana had her head tucked against my shoulder.

The poking was the baby kicking and now that I realized it, I wasn't so annoyed. Ana was still asleep but the baby wasn't. So I reached my arm across my body and rested it right on the bare flesh of her stomach.

The baby immediately calmed down which seemed impossible but she had definitely sensed me and calmed down.

_"Thank you...she was beginning to drive me crazy."_ Ana mumbled against my neck.

_"You're awake?"_

_"How could I sleep with this rockette moving and shaking."_

_"She's dancing?"_ I said excitedly before yawning.

_"Just like her Mama."_ Ana chuckled and her warm breath drifted across my neck and made me shiver. _"Am I turning you on B?"_ she whispered before leaning in and kissing my neck.

_"Yes...so much. See...I so want you."_

_"Good."_ she patted my chest and then leaned in and kissed my cheek. _"Now please help me up so I can pee...she has decided to kick my bladder instead so that she isn't disturbing you."_

_"How nice. Can you walk or do you want me to carry you?"_

_"Do you mind carrying me?"_

_"No. I like carrying you."_

_"That's settled then."_

* * *

_"Are sleepy?"_ I asked as she curled into me. We had just returned to the bed but I was wide awake and seemed like I wasn't the only one.

_"No, not really."_

_"Are you up to watch some videos?"_

_"Videos?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Sure…okay? What kind?"_

_"They were made for you. While you were sleeping…all of us took time out to record for you."_

_"Turn the light on."_

That was definitely not the reaction that I was expecting but I climbed out of bed and turned on the light regardless. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust but when they finally did, I could see that Ana had put her glasses on and was looking at me with the most alert and anxious expression.

* * *

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I want to see them."_

_"There are a lot of them."_

_"Then we will watch all night."_ She rubbed her hands together and I felt a chill run through me.

_"We?"_ I raised my eyebrows because for some reason, I really didn't expect her to want to watch them with me.

_"Yes…look B…you need to understand something. You put me here. Don't make that face…it's just the facts. You put me in here and I need you to be here every step of the way. You spent months trying to prove that you have changed to other people but in the end what they think of you doesn't mean shit to me. It's what I think of you, it's how I feel about you because you are still my wife. So if I am going to sit and watch the videos, I would really like it if we could watch them together. "_

I just looked at her and nodded. She had a serious expression and with the addition of the glasses, she looked super serious.

_"Okay."_

_"Great…so let's get it set up then. Can you like hook up the camera to the TV?"_ she asked me. I nodded and then rooted around in my bag for the proper cords. I some how expected this…I'm smart sometimes I guess.

I hadn't taken the opportunity to actually look at any of the videos that I hadn't made. I thought it was kind of personal and I didn't want to intrude so for me this was beyond the scope of my comfort zone. I had set it up in front of the sofa and then went back to the bed and picked up Ana. She wrapped her arms around my neck and burrowed against my chest.

* * *

_"Are you sure about this Ana?"_

_"I'm not answering that B. You know how much I hate to repeat myself."_

_"Okay. Sorry."_

I set her up on the sofa and then went back to the bed and got her pillows and a blanket so that she could be as comfortable as possible. When I went to set up the pillows behind her she shook her head at me.

_"No B, sit behind me so that I can lean against you. "_

Once we were finally situated, I pressed play on the little remote and then we waited for the screen to go from black. I had no idea who was first and I was kind of nervous. She could obviously sense it because she snuggled deeper against me and rested her head against my chest.

I was suddenly regretting just putting on the first chip that I found...I was hoping that I had managed to save me for last.

I wasn't disappointed.

* * *

**_"Hey Anita. I can't believe that I have to talk to you like this…it's like I just got you back and now the doctors are saying that you might not make it. That if you don't wake up in the next two days that you might be brain dead. I hope not because we just found each other again. So I hope you come back to us! I can't cherish my unrequited love if you aren't here...come on! Anyway...when you get back...you and I are hitting up the first Dairy Queen we can find okay? See you soon! Te quiero tanto!"_**

Ari leaned in and blew a kiss to the camera before the screen went black.

I looked down and Ana was just staring at the blank screen, holding the remote in her hand. She had pressed pause and was sitting there in a trance. I had thought the video was tame but I could clearly see that her eyes were watering up.

_"Ana? Honey are you okay?"_ I asked as I sat up a little bit.

_"I'm going to need like a whole shitload of tissues. Can you get me some?"_ she said without turning to look at me.

I kissed the side of her face and then wriggled from behind her so that I could grab the box of tissues from her bedside. I was still feeling a bit nervous because the videos from me were really revealing. There were things that my wife, my best friend and soulmate still didn't know about me. Things that I had kept hidden for years like the cutting...but now...now she would see me.

All of me.

And I was terrified.

* * *

_"Ready for the next video?"_ Ana asked as she leaned back against me, holding the box of tissues in her lap. I wrapped my arms securly around her and kissed her head.

_"This is about you Ana. If you're ready, then I'm ready." _Even if I was nervous as all heck...but I knew that this chip wasn't about me at all. The chips with me were all just me. So I was a lot calmer as we settled in for the next video.

_"B?"_ she whispered as I looked at the screen. I looked down into her warm chocolate eyes and could see that she was worried.

_"What's wrong Ana?"_ I asked as I hugged her a little tighter and gave her my most reassuring smile.

_"What happened to you just after I passed out?"_ she asked as she turned herself in my arms so that she was facing me more directly. I swallowed hard and then pulled my lip between my teeth. I hadn't revisted my time just after and had decided that maybe I needed to just forget it but now I knew that it was important that she should know.

_"Um...well...I...um...uh..." _I was literally stuck in my thoughts as I tried to formulate a sentence. She was looking at me encouragingly but my words had dried up and my throat felt like sandpaper.

_"That's okay B...maybe you can tell me after we watch everything?"_ she said after I tried a few more times to say something. She leaned in again and turned from me, towards the screen. I released a shuddered breath and the closed my eyes a second._ "Ready?"_ she said sweetly.

_"Yes...I'm r-ready."_ I whispered as I leaned further against the couch.

_"Good."_

* * *

The screen stayed black for a few seconds once Ana hit play, but we could hear the crying in the background. Whoever this was had no idea that the camera had already started. I ached for them until I saw the puffy cheeks and swollen eyes of Sandra. I felt my skin spark and tingle but then Ana rested her head against my shoulder and I immediately felt the tension leave me.

We were speaking silenty through our body movements. She could feel how angry I was, how much Sandra upset me even just from the screen but her touch and her calmness helped to reel me back in.

Thank goodness.

We were coming back to Ana being my saving grace.

Finally.

* * *

**_"Hey sis. I'm so...I shouldn't look a wreck when you see me...I'm not su-supposed to be upset. That's just not me. Right? I wish I could really talk to you right now. My world is falling apart Ana...this weekend...I...um...I was going to talk to you. I was waiting you know...for the stuff with Ian to um...to pass. You to heal before I um...before I confided in you...b-but...then Brittany fucked it up. It's just all a mess you know...my life...your life. I guess I just hide it better. My heart is just so full of doubt and anger. I feel so fucking bitter about everything. Being the oldest sucks because I am always there for the four of you and your husbands, girlfriends, wives...and now that my shit is fucking falling apart...I don't even have the one sister I can rely on! I'm so pissed Ana!"_**

* * *

The screen went black. Ana was tense in my arms...she took a deep breath and was about to say something but the screen came up again. It was Sandra again...this time she looked much more calm. She looked tired and defeated. I recognized immediately where she was sitting in her house and I knew that Ana did too, because her whole body got rigid and she pressed pause.

_"Shit."_ I heard her whisper as she raised a hand to her throat.

_"I'm so sorry Ana."_

_"Don't."_ she said with a strangled voice as she pressed play. This was bad. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear.

**_"I'm sorry about the last video. I just...it's still fresh. You still aren't awake and I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. I need you. It's really late right now. The house is quiet and of all the places to be I'm sitting in the very room that may be the last place you ever saw. The doctors told us today that you may be brain damaged. That your brain just isn't showing anything. They said they would try and bring the baby to term but if you didn't wake up then we should start planning your funeral. What kind of shit is that? Britt is still away...thank God...I think they are moving her to Lima soon. I hope she never fucking comes back. She doesn't deserve you or those kids. I just can't believe she could do that to you. I feel so betrayed."_**

The screen froze and I realized that it was because Ana had paused it. I felt on edge but I didn't dare speak. I waited for her. She sat there and then I heard it. She was silently crying and was now taking a moment to compose herself. She wiped at her face with a tissue and then after a few moments she took a deep cleansing breath and leaned into me again before pressing play.

**_"So...I can't wait anymore. I have to say this. I have to get it out. All summer I kept getting phone calls and emails from this girl. Some stupid seventeen year old girl from the Bronx. She kept telling me how she had slept with Johnny and how she just wanted him to help her. That she was all alone and that her parents were threatening to put her out everyday unless she brought him home. I know that people try and take Johnny for his money all the time so I thought nothing of it. Just another bimbo. I got tired of the emails and then one day when Johnny had just left for a game...I had driven him to the airport and was about to get into the car when a girl stopped me. She was huge...really reallly pregnant. You were off in Lima mourning Ian and I was holding hands with my husbands mistress as her water broke on my shoes. I didn't want to believe her. I didn't want that to be Johnny's baby because I had just found out that I was pregnant again. I demanded Johnny come home. So during that week when you came back and we planned the Labor Day party...we waited for the results to a DNA test. We had shit going on...a lot of shit but I kept quiet. I know how much you girls love him. That morning...I had just found out...That little girl...Siani is his daughter."_**

* * *

The screen froze again as Ana just sat there staring at the screen. She had to pause it because her whole body and brain were in shock. I hadn't known about any of this either and I suddenly found myself feeling sorry for my sister in law even if she was being a total bitch to me.

_"Fuck. I can't believe that asshole. Shit." _Ana murmured as she sat there just staring at the screen. _"I just never thought he was capable of that."_

_"I think that..."_ I stopped talking when I saw her glaring at me.

_"This is not a place for your opinion B. Just don't say anything...ok?"_ She said quietly in a tone of warning. She was trying not to think of me and my cheating and so I shut up and just nodded. She wasn't up for conversation.

I didn't blame her.

**_"Okay...I have been told that my time with the camera is up so this is my last video. It's been a week since my last one and you still aren't awake. Your brain is still not doing anything but the baby is healthy. Thank Jesus. I went with Johnny to visit the girl, Noelia, she is really sweet and kind. I mean I knew that because I held her hand as she gave birth but that was before I was sure that things had happened. Johnny begged me to come with him to see the baby so I did. Noelia, her abuela, mom, dad, brother, sister and the baby...all live in a two bedroom apartment together. I have never lived like that...poor...it has never been right in my face. Johnny though, he's from the Bronx so he knows it. He told the girl that he wanted to be apart of the baby's life. So the girl and her family are now living in a house. It's nice and quaint. She insisted she didn't want his money and won't go to the press...she just wants the best for Siani, so Johnny had her sign a contract. So now...I get to be a stepmom...I'm not happy about it, Ana. I don't trust my husband. I wish you were here...I feel like this is unbearable. How did you do it? How did you forgive Britt after she slept with Quinn? Frankie? Rachel? How? I want to be forgiving...I want to trust him. I can tell he's sorry...but I don't know what to do. Wake up..please, Ana? Please!" _**

We watched silently as Sandra covered her face and broke down in front of the camera. It was like the most terrible thing to watch. It's like watching your role model crumble. Sandra is that for Ana and so now I was holding my sobbing wife as she wept into my shirt. It was like a battle listening to them both cry. I was beginning to crack a little myself until the camera suddenly clicked and the screen went black again.

* * *

The next thing we saw was about twenty minutes of Izzy just being Izzy. We watched him sleep and eat. We watched him as he sat up on his own. I had missed these things too. This time I was crying too as Ana and I clung to each other.

Watching our son as he did things that an outsider would see as just normal, was like the best thing on Earth for us. We laughed when he laughed and rediscovered his feet for the hundreth time.

Then the screen went black and the camera's main menu came up.

In the time that we watched those videos the sun had begun to creep into the sky. My stomach was grumbling and Ana was sitting up and rubbing at her stomach.

_"Hungry Ana?"_

_"Starving!"_

_"I'm going to take my pill and then I will see when breakfast is coming. Okay?"_

_"Great! The baby is kicking me like crazy and I really have to pee again."_

_"Do you want to try walking?"_ I stood to my feet and then turned towards her, holding my hands out for her.

_"Yes." _she whispered as she slowly put her hands in mine.

* * *

Ana sat there on the toliet picking at her nails as I held a pill between my teeth and scooped water from the faucet. I sipped the water and then threw my head back and swallowed. I could feel her watching me but I didn't look over at her.

I needed this few seconds to gather myself before I answered her questions that I could literally hear formulating in her head. I cupped my hands under the water again and then drank the cool water down for a few seconds before finally standing up and running my wet hands over my face.

When I finally looked over at my wife, she was standing next to me waiting to wash her hands. I stepped to the side and let her do what she needed to do. I even grabbed our toothbrushes and put the toothpaste on them. We stood there together brushing our teeth just like we always had and it just felt like this was it, this is how we were supposed to be.

We were married but never really had the opportunity to act like just two married people without mistakes. The time in the summer had been nice but even that was tainted by the things that had gotten us there and I was already mentally checking out back then.

Now though...I was present in the moment and I realized that it made all the difference.

* * *

When we stepped back into the room, hand in hand, Dr. Jindahl was standing by the bed looking through Ana's chart. There was a huge covered tray on the side table with cups of juice and he looked a little worried.

_"Hey doc...everything okay?"_ I asked as Ana nervously held tight to my hand.

I watched the worried look fall from Dr. J's face as he looked up at us.

_"Well hello there you two. It's good to see you like this. Santana...how is your breathing?"_

_"Um...my lungs hurt a bit but I'm much better than yesterday."_

_"And your memory?"_

_"Still a little fuzzy."_

_"Why don't you come on over here so I can check you out."_

_"Ok."_

I had an anxious feeling in my gut and I didn't like the way that it felt. He wasn't saying something and I didn't like it. Something was wrong.

* * *

_"You saw the way he was acting too right?" _Ana and I were eating breakfast together after Dr. J got a phone call. She was eating slowly and taking really slow, deep breaths.

_"Yea...it's probably nothing. I mean he is really far from his family and stuff, so maybe something is going on back in Lima."_

_"Maybe...but I doubt it."_

_"Why?"_

_"I just...Doc has never cracked in front of me. I have caught him off guard and he never looks that worried."_

_"Well, how about we finish breakfast and when he come back we just see if everything is alright?"_

_"He won't tell me. I know how doctors are. Keep everything from the patient until it's absolutely necessary. It's how you keep the patient calm. You should ask him...alone."_

_"Me?" _I felt my voice go high pitched. I felt what she felt...he was definitely off but she knew that I couldn't lie to her right now. I couldn't keep this from her and that's why she wanted me to talk to him. I was afraid to know though.

_"Yes, B. I need you to find out what's wrong. I need to prepare myself. Please?"_

* * *

I never got to answer because Dr. J came back. He came over and continued to check Ana's vitals. He still seemed very tense and he wasn't really joking around like he normally would.

I was trying to figure out what it was exactly that I would say to get him alone but I guess my wife couldn't take it anymore because she slammed her hand down and looked up at him with a pissed off look on her face.

_"I can't fucking take it! What is wrong? Tell me!"_

_"Santana...please just calm down."_

_"I can't. You have always been upfront with me doc. You can't clam up on me now. Please!" _Ana put a hand to her chest and took a deep breath. I reached over and wrapped my hand in hers and tried to silently urge her to calm down. When she looked at me she had tears in her eyes.

_"Ana...baby...please. If something is wrong you are going to make it worse." _I said as she looked at me. Tears spilled down her cheeks and I looked over at doc._ "What's wrong with her doc. Please?" _

_"We need to do more testing but at this rate...we can change the outcome of this..."_

_"Damnit doc!" _Ana whispered as she looked at him with her beautiful all wrinkled up.

_"We think it's bloodclots in your lungs...Pulmonary Embolism...if we wait any longer to treat this...you might die."_

* * *

**A/N: I know...I'm evil but I'm still very good to you! **

**Read and Review! **


	23. Chapter 23:Emotional Rollercoaster

**Chapter 23: Emotional Rollercoaster (Vivan Green)**

* * *

**_"We think it's bloodclots in your lungs...Pulmonary Embolism...if we wait any longer to treat this...you might die."_**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"That was amazing!"_ I laid there panting in a huddled mass against the second landing banister feeling happy and satisfied.

_"That good huh?"_ she whispered against my neck, chuckling softly as she lifted me up against her. My legs wrapped around her waist instantly, my head a big sweaty mass of pink and blonde as it rested against her shoulder.

_"That was the best make up sex...God I missed you so much, C."_

_"I missed you too. I don't want to leave you again."_

_"I was hoping you'd say that." _I murmured as I kissed her neck.

I looked up at her and smirked as she tossed me back on my bed. She looked predatory as she crawled across the duvet and made her way towards me. My heart sped up as she winked at me and growled. I smiled and could feel the blush across my face get hotter, the closer that she got to me.

_"Happy New Year Luce."_ she whispered.

There were few people in this world that were allowed to address me by any variation of my first name and while San had the power to use it not even she did. Ceily though only called me this in private, thankfully, and when she said it, my skin tingled.

_"Are you ready for more, Lucy Q?"_

_"Mmm...yes C. I'm so ready. Show me how much you missed me..."_

Just as her hands were about to touch me, I felt a vibration against my face and giggled.

I actually giggled!

I was abruptly awaken by a loud horn and yelling outside.

Fuck...just when it was getting good.

* * *

The vibrating was my phone, bummer. I reached under my pillow as the vibration began again and held the phone up in front of me. Britt's cheery face lit up the screen but I had a feeling that this wasn't just a social call.

_"B? Hey..."_ I murmured before clearing my throat a few times. _"Everything alright?"_

_"Do you have class today?"_

_"Um no...its winter break sweetie. What's up? Is San ok?"_

_"Can you come down here? Oh, and maybe see if Gladys can come and bring Izzy. She needs you guys."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Doc found something, I can't pronounce it...just come okay?"_

_"Okay but-"_ the phone went dead and my heart sped up.

What the hell had happened in the span of twenty four hours?

I pushed myself from the bed and got up. My body protested against the movement but I couldn't afford to sleep in even if I was on vacation.

I replayed Britt's voice in my head a dozen times as I brushed my teeth and showered. This obviously wasn't a good thing, otherwise she would have just told me over the phone and she wouldn't have been so cryptic which she doesn't do well by the way.

This all had me insanely concerned and so I was trying my best to be quick, given that Britt sounded so anxious and it didn't seem like this was something I could do on my own schedule.

* * *

As I finished putting on my makeup, my phone began to vibrate again. I felt my palms begin to sweat, thinking that maybe it was Britt again.

My mood changed immediately, when I saw my girlfriends face on my phone for the first time since before New Years, I shook a bit when my anger spiked and I felt like I wanted to scream.

She was so not in my good graces and she knew it.

The problem with dating a Lopez though was that it was almost guaranteed that they didn't care about crossing me and making me upset. They were immune to my anger and it was something that had always drawn me in but pissed me off at the same time.

Fucking Lopez sisters. I walked back into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed and searched for my shoes as I answered up the phone.

_"Hey C. Happy New Year."_

_"Hey Q...what are you doing?"_

_"About to go to the hospital."_

_"Again?"_

_"We are not having this conversation again, Celia."_

_"No need to. You have made it quite clear to me and everyone else that you still have feelings for my sister. I know that I am just your consolation prize."_

_"Fuck you."_

_"I'm sure you'd like that right about now."_

_"Did you just call to harass me or is there a point to this phone call?"_ I said as I slipped into my shoes and grabbed my purse.

Celia gave Rachel and Santana a run for their money when it came to getting under my skin and I hated it more than anything.

* * *

_"You know, Q, when I came back to the city from Texas yesterday, I thought for sure that you would have invited me back to the house when you saw me at the hospital last night."_

_"For what reason? You have a damn key. You don't need to be invited, that's just ridiculous. Stop acting like I was the one who messed up. You left me remember?"_ I said exasperated.

_"Touché. I did leave but you also told me that you didn't want to see me anymore. So I thought maybe that was just you and your PMS or something."_

_"The point Celia. Get to it. I don't have time to waste."_

_"I wanted to talk things out with you."_

_"Meet me at the hospital...we can talk then."_

_"I'm at the airport."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm headed to Chicago."_

_"Why? Going to see Amber?"_

_"Yea...that's kind of inevitable."_

_"I wish your ex didn't run your gallery. She broke your heart and you let her run your business. I just don't get it."_

_"You have nothing to worry about. Besides, you maintain relationships with all of your exes!"_

_"Yea, so?"_

_"You think it's different than me and Amber?"  
_

_"Yes."_

_"Of course you do."  
_

_"Look...call me maybe when you land. Obviously you couldn't bother just coming here to celebrate a late New Years so I really don't want to be an after thought as you fly off to Amber."_

_"Your being ridiculous Luce."_

_"Yea well I know bullshit when I hear it and you are definitely not telling me the whole truth so goodbye."_

_"I love you Luce."_

_"Yea sure. Back at you C."_

* * *

I bundled myself up and then headed out to the garage. I stood there a second and tried to calm my nerves but with everything going on in my life I just didn't really know which way was up. At this rate I was going to end up taking up smoking just to calm myself.

Not good at all.

I stepped out onto the sidewalk and nearly slid into the street when I stepped onto a patch of ice. I managed somehow to hail a cab without busting my ass and then hurriedly slammed the door as he screeched down the street. I fumbled through my purse and found my phone.

Three new text messages.

**_Q, its San. I need you to calm down and breathe. I'm still alive.-S_**

**_We will talk when I get home!-Celia_**

**_Can you call Gladys?-Britt_**

Just great, my life was being ruled by the Lopez family and I just wanted out!

Why didn't I just go to Yale?

* * *

_"Hello?"_

_"Hola Mrs. Lopez."_

_"Enough of that...you call me Gladys. You know better, Quinn."_

_"Sorry. I was wondering if you talked to Brittany?"_

_"She called and asked me to give a call back but then she didn't answer."_

_"Can you bring Isaac to the hospital?"_

_"Is something wrong?"_

_"Britt just said they found something out and requested you, me and Isaac."_

_"I don't like the way that sounds."_

_"Me either. Are you going to come soon?"_

_"I am out with Damariz at a doctors appointment but then I will go to the house and pick up Isaac. We should be there in an hour."_

* * *

I felt insanely anxious as I walked down the corridor towards San's room. I just wanted everything go back to that little bit of peace that we felt back before we came to New York, just after graduation. It was so amazing and we were all happy. I was really beginning to get depressed.

I knew this couldn't be good. I just hoped that it could be fixed.

All the drama aside, San really did deserve to just spend the rest of her days in a boring, dull existence. She didn't need anymore of this drama and I hoped that when she got out of the hospital that she would go off and just be at peace.

She needed it more than anyone.

* * *

When I got closer to the room I saw Britt sitting forward in a chair with her face in her hands. Her whole body was tense and shaking as she tried to suppress her cries. I felt really bad for her.

I looked into the room and saw that it was empty and I panicked a little but figured that Britt would probably be worse if something had gone really wrong.

_"B?"_ I called out as I stepped closer to her. _"What's going on?"_

She looked up at me with red eyes, a swollen face and tried to smile but it fell before it reached her eyes. I shook my head so she knew that I didn't except that fake happiness. I just wanted to help her and San the best way that I could.

We were survivors. We could conquer anything...I was sure of it. Almost.

_"This is all my fault."_ she whispered as she angrily wiped tears from her face.

Brittany was so pissed with herself but thankfully this anger wasn't like the anger that landed San in the hospital in the first place, this seemed normal and contained. Even in the midst of chaos, it was good to see her getting better.

_"What's your fault? Where is San?"_

_"She's getting tests done."_ Britt kept her head down and wasn't even attempting to look at me, she was ashamed and broken. I walked over and rested a hand on her shoulder and hunched so we were face to face.

_"Explain it to me Britt...what's wrong with Santana?"_

_"Some kind of blood clot."_ she whispered.

I was wracking my brain to figure out what I knew about blood clots as I looked into the hopeless blue eyes in front of me. Britt was usually the picture of optimism but if she was taking it this bad then it couldn't be a good sign. The only thing that I was certain of about blood clots is that they were potentially fatal if untreated.

Hopefully they had caught it in time.

* * *

_"Where is it?" _I asked trying to figure out if this was like a last rites kind of thing.

_"Where's what?"_ Britt looked at me confused as if we had been talking about something else entirely.

_"The blood clot."_ I said as patiently as I could...I knew that she couldn't have forgotten, her mind had just been elsewhere.

_"Her lungs."_

My heart dropped. Lungs and Brain were the worst. I remembered that from somewhere.

Shit...this could really be bad. San was probably terrified and if britt was like this, then she was probably vibing off of San. Hopefully it was caught in time. I had to reassure Britt, now was not the time for negative energy. I needed our ray of sunshine back. So I wiped away Britt's tears with my thumbs and kissed her forehead. She cracked a little smile and I knew that I had done the right thing.

I rubbed her shoulders and took a deep breath before putting on my most diplomatic smile.

_"It sounds like they caught it in enough time B...this is going to be okay. She will be okay."_

_"I'm such a fuck up Quinn and no matter what I do...I end up hurting her." _

The tears came down again and I felt so helpless. A feeling that I was becoming a little TOO familiar with lately.

I didn't know what to say to make her feel better, partially because I agreed with her and partially because I didn't have all the facts. I would try my best to keep her spirits high but I needed to know what I was working with first.

* * *

We sat there in silence as the rest of the world moved around us. Britt would look up occasionally but she kept ending up looking down at the floor. She was trying to talk herself through something and it didn't seem like the kind of conversation that I should be watching.

_"Mama. Dama."_ I looked up, suddenly feeling a rush of relief when I saw Gladys making her way down the hall holding Izzy.

Britt jumped to her feet abruptly and held her arms out for Izzy. She needed his comfort and he just needed one of his moms. Gladys looked at me worriedly as she handed him over to B. I watched as Izzy grabbed B's face and kissed her over and over again. She kissed him back as she held him tight and walked into the room with him.

Gladys looked on happily and then sat down next to me. I could see that she was just as worried as me, maybe more. She put a hand on my leg and leaned in and kissed my cheek before sitting back and crossing her hands over her chest. I swallowed hard and watched as she nodded for me to explain.

_"It's bad Gladys...life threatening. I haven't talked to the doctors yet but the way Britt made it sound...it's not good."_ I blurted out.

Gladys went to respond but then Dr. Jindahl came walking down the hall pushing San in a wheelchair. We both froze in place as we looked over at her. Her face was a bit red and blotchy and her hair was pulled back tight in her regulation ponytail...her defense mechanism. I could see that she had been crying but it looked like she was trying to make the best of it.

She smiled at us and made her face relax into it so that it looked natural.

_"Hey Q, Bendicion Mami."_ San said with a genuine smile on her face as she rubbed her belly. _"Come on in."_

Gladys and I looked at each other in confusion and then got up and followed into the room.

This was definitely not good, if San was trying to cushion the blow herself.

* * *

Izzy shrieked when he saw San, causing all of us to jump. Gladys and I walked into the room and stood at the end of the bed as we watched and waited.

_"Papa!"_ she sang sweetly to her son when she saw him in Britt's arms.

Dr. J helped her up onto her bed and then got her situated with pillows and tucked in her blankets. I watched as she sat there trying to catch her breath, while he hooked up her IV. We were all noticed her struggling to breathe and when she caught us staring she glared at us and then turned to her doctor.

_"Doc...can you please escort my family out into the hallway and talk to them while I spend time with my son?"_

None of us wanted to leave her but we all needed more clarification, so we stepped out in the hall but left the blinds to the room window open so we could watch just in case.

All of us crossed the hallway and began to chat but Britt stood closer to the window and watched silently.

_"Is it a pulmonary embolism?"_ I asked once we were far enough into the hallway.

_"Yes. We think that we caught it in time." _I sighed with relief as I looked on at Dr. Jindahl.

_"Do we know what caused it?" _Gladys asked as she looked at him hopefully.

_"There were a lot of factors that led to it including her prolonged usage of cocaine and then with the trauma to her system after the incident with the choking, her lungs just accelerated to a higher level. We monitored her closely thankfully and hopefully we have enough time to reverse it. There is no reason for us to worry at the moment, okay? She looks good for now. We are going to start on treatment in the mean time, as we wait for the tests to come back, it's better to start and she not need it than in the reverse."_

_"Are you going to still leave after the holiday?" _Gladys bit out in frustration. _"Is my daughter going to die?"_

_"Not if I can help it Gladys. I'm going to be here for her until she is stabilized, probably until after the baby gets here. We caught it early, thankfully. There is no reason it should be life threatening."_

_"And the baby?"_ Britt asked as she leaned her forehead against the glass. She had given off the appearance of not listening so we all looked at her for a second in surprise.

_"She is doing great. She's very healthy."_

_"And-"_ I had started to say before Britt slammed passed me and whipped the door open.

_"Ana!"_ she yelled as she entered the room.

We turned towards the window and San was hunched over passed out with Izzy cuddled against her side patting her tummy and calling out to her.

Fuck.

* * *

We sat silently, huddled together on the couch as we watched the doctors hook up machines and a new IV up to San. She looked limp and frail as her body laid there amongst the rush of doctors.

Britt held tight to a sleeping Izzy and leaned her head against Gladys' shoulder.

_"I'm so sorry Ma...I'm so sorry."_ she kept whispering every few seconds. Gladys seemed to be reaching higher and higher levels of frustration and finally she just snapped.

_"Enough. Your son doesn't need to hear that."_ Gladys finally scolded Britt after her tenth apology.

Eventually Britt got so overwhelmed and overwhelming that Gladys ended up taking her out of the room and leaving Izzy with me. Britt just needed a breather and some encouragement and if she could get that from anyone, it would definitely be Gladys. I held my godson and kissed his sleeping head as I walked over to San's bed. It still amazed me, just how much he had grown.

* * *

I hadn't expected to see her eyes open but there she was wide awake staring at the ceiling, looking trapped and in pain. She had tubes running up her nose pumping oxygen into her lungs and she was sweating a bit. Her eyes met mine and I could see just how exhausted she was.

This was all becoming so tedious and I couldn't even imagine how frustrated with it all she was feeling. She was powerless and for her that was always a huge fear.

_"Hey San."_ I said as I brushed her hair back from her forehead.

She smiled softly at me and then looked at Izzy sadly. She looked like she was ready to cry. I knew that she wanted to hold him so much but she barely had the strength to reach out for him. I knew what it was like not to be able to hold your baby when you wanted to.

It was torture.

I couldn't bare to see her like this so I used my free hand and lifted up her arm for her and then slowly lowered Izzy on the bed beside her. Once he was on the bed he clung to her side immediately. I wrapped San's arm around him so that he wouldn't roll and then I took a step back.

Seeing her smile made my heart melt.

_"Better?"_ I asked and this time the smile made it to her eyes as she nodded slightly. _"Good. Sleep now. I'll be sitting right here if you need me, okay?"_ She smiled again and then closed her eyes and drifted off.

I sat there at my best friend's bedside wondering if she would be able to ever just have a normal life. I couldn't say again because her life had been anything but normal and it was a sad thing. She would be twenty this year and already she had way too much happen to her in her life.

* * *

I felt her before I saw her.

_"Why are you here?"_

_"She's my sister do I need a reason?"_

_"You told me that you were leaving."_

_"I changed my mind. I wanted to see you. I wanted to see her."_

_"She's really sick...she could die."_

Celia walked around to the other side of the bed and leaned over Ana.

_"I've never seen her this pale. What's wrong with her?"_

_"She has a blood clot in her lung."_ I hadn't taken my eyes off San but I could feel Ceily burning her eyes into my skull.

_"Since when?"_ now she seemed concerned...finally.

_"They found it today."_

_"Why didn't Britt call me or any of the other girls?"_

_"She called me and Gladys. You guys wouldn't pick up a call from Britt anyway."_

_"I would."_

_"Stop."_ San rasped out without opening her eyes.

_"San-" _she cut me off.

_"Get out."_

* * *

I was pissed as I stood in the hallway with Celia. Thankfully Britt and Gladys hadn't gone very far so San wouldn't have to be alone again. I was feeling a bit bitter as I watched Britt climb in the bed bedside San and Izzy.

Dr. J was leery about anyone being with her but he knew San and he knew she hated being alone. So he allowed it. I wanted to be in there to help. I knew though that I needed to handle the problem in my relationship.

_"Come have coffee with me."_

_"I don't want to leave."_ I said as I finally looked up into Ceily's dark black eyes.

_"Luce...please? I need to talk to you. Can we find a quiet place at least?"_

_"Fine."_

I stormed off towards one of the lesser used waiting rooms, not even looking to see if she followed.

* * *

I sat down next to a window in the far corner of the room and waited for her to sit down. She tossed her coat on the chair next to her and then sat down with her legs outstretched and her arms crossed looking as cocky as ever.

And she was supposed to be the mellow Lopez.

_"Talk."_ I said as I tucked my feet under me, beneath my skirt.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"For what?"_ I asked without looking away. I was staring at her hard all of the anger that I had harboring for the last two weeks was sitting just beneath my layer of calm.

_"Shit...you're not going to make this easy on me are you?"_

_"Nope but I am still listening."_

_"Thanks for that. I'm sorry I have been putting everything before you."_

_"Thanks but that's not why I'm upset with you, C."_

_"Then what is it. Tell me what it is and I swear I'll fix it."_

_"Don't swear on things that you know you can't promise me."_

_"Name your price Q."_ she said cocking her eyebrow.

_"Come out to your mom."_

I watched as Ceily's face dropped. She went pale and she kept clicking her jaw. I had called her bluff and I knew that she was going to back down the moment the words left my mouth.

_"I can't. We've discussed this. I'm not budging on this one thing."_

_"Then I'm sorry...I can't do this anymore. If you can't be honest about who you are then how can you commit to me? You think this relationship is some big joke. It's important to me. I'd like to be acknowledged by your mother."_

_"I'm just waiting for the right time."_

_"You are thirty two fucking years old...the time is now."_

_"My mom is...you just don't understand! My mom is horrible. She is not going to make my life easy and she isn't going to welcome you with open arms. I mean look at Brenda...just because she married a half Black, half Italian guy...my mother doesn't acknowledge her four grandsons. Her own blood. You will be nothing to her. I love you and so you have to know that this isn't easy for me!"_

_"I don't see the big deal...you're a grown woman, you are successful, talented, self sufficient and you're happy with me, right? Screw what she thinks!"_

_"No...fuck that. Maybe that's okay for you but in my culture...my family we don't treat our mothers that way. She gave birth to me. She raised me...why should I make her life difficult?"_

_"This isn't about her...it's about us."_

_"Then why can't it just be about us then? Why do we have to bring her into it? She's all the way in San Antonio...the people who matter the most to me, know about you and us. They know that I love you and that you make me happy. Why can't that be enough for you?"_

_"Because as long as you are in the closet you won't commit. You spent the New Year away from me, the woman that you so called love, just because your mother didn't want to tear your sisters away from their husbands and families. I'm your family! I'm your woman!"_ I said as my resolve broke a bit, I was starting to feel like I was asking for too much. Maybe this wasn't the way to go about things. I needed to apologize.

_"Not anymore. I can't do this, Q. I don't deal well with that kind of pressure. I need some space from this relationship."_

_"Are you...you're breaking up with me?"_

_"I guess I am, we're done Q."_

* * *

I stood to my feet and wrapped my arms around myself not chancing a glance back over my shoulder. I knew the cold eyes that I would find there and I couldn't bare to see them directed at me. I took a deep breath and left the room running straight into Britt.

_"Hey Quinnie...are you okay?"_ she said as she placed a hand on my shoulder and I just nodded as I swallowed back the hurt that I felt. My heart was broken and it was my own damn fault.

_"Yeah B. I'll be just fine. Its just been a rough morning."_

_"I was looking for you. I'm glad I found you so fast."_

_"Yea? What's up?"_

_"Ana's up and talking. She's asking for you."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah."_

* * *

When we walked back into San's hospital room the first thing I heard was her let out a huge laugh. It was a welcome sound.

I looked over to her bed and saw that it was empty and then I heard her laugh again and saw that she was curled in a ball on the sofa watching a video.

I froze when I heard the door shut behind me. Britt stood there against it and smiled shyly. I felt like I was being ambushed suddenly. Gladys waved to me through the window as she cradled Izzy.

They were both bundled up and headed home.

I hated setups and right now was not the time for me to even pretend to be happy about it.

_"Oh great you found her!" _I heard San say in a raspy but upbeat voice.

I tentatively made my way over to her perch on the the couch. I watched her closely as she sat at the very end of the charcoal gray sofa with her IV steadily pumping medicine in her veins and her oxygen tube still up her nose. She still looked very sick but her smile wouldn't allow me to feel sorry for her.

Other than the obvious signs of being in the hospital she looked better than she had when I left the room under an hour ago. How is that even possible? Those meds must have been strong enough to get her immune system fighting again.

_"Hey San."_ I said quietly as I stood next to the tv and loomed over her and Britt who was now on the floor on front of her, leaning against her folded legs.

_"I'm not dead yet Q...get your ass over here and sit down. We need to talk. Like serious talk...I even have tissues ready."_ she smirked as she held up a box of tissues.

_"I don't know if I can handle that San."_ I said without moving a muscle.

_"Are you really denying me right now Blondie?"_ she actually looked hurt and so I pushed aside the raw feeling of my break up and sat cross-legged next to her and sat back against the couch.

_"Ok. What's up?"_ I asked, feeling nervous about this impending tear filled talk.

* * *

_"I'm watching the videos that you guys made me. I just finished watching one from Sue and it actually made me miss the psycho bitch. She was going on and on about unity amongst us three and well...I haven't been honest with you about some things...things that you really should know. I discussed it with B and she really encouraged me to be a better friend to you. I agree with her. So I wanted you to watch one of the videos with me but I have to tell you something first."_

_"Ok so tell me."_

_"I need you to know that I am sorry for any part that I had in this."_

_"Just tell me San." _I snapped in frustration. She looked at me warily and then nodded.

_"Noah's getting married."_

_"Ok...and?" _I said feeling my heart speed up.

_"To Shelby."_

* * *

_"Please tell me that you are just messing with me right now." _

I was trying to calm my breathing but it wasn't working. I felt a clench in my chest and my head suddenly filled with lead. I kept my eyes closed as the walls of the room closed in on me.

I felt San's hand clenching mind and now Britt was knelt in front of me rubbing her hands up and down my arms.

_"Breathe Q. God...B, maybe we should have waited." _San mumbled.

_"No Ana! We waited long enough." _B scolded.

It hit me hard. I jerked away from them and was on my feet and glaring at them in two seconds flat.

_"Long enough? What the hell does that mean?" _

I knew that San had just woken up from a four month long coma. So Britt was definitely wrapped up in all of this! I looked at her and could see that she was trying to shrink into herself. How long had this been going on? Britt looked unsure of herself as she knelt there biting roughly at her lips and keeping her eyes away from mine at all costs.

_"B block the door." _San said softly, knocking her from her daze.

Before I completely registered what San had said, Britt was already across the room and locking the door. She stood against it and looked down at the floor again, still afraid to meet my eyes. I looked wildly from her back to San and felt my heart drop when I saw tears in her eyes.

_"How long has all of this been going on San?"_

_"Noah...he...he never signed his rights to Beth over like you did. He's been seeing her since she was born. He has partial custody of her too."_

I stumbled backwards and hit my thighs against the bed before dropping to my knees. All this time, he had been seeing our little girl grow up and I had been none the wiser. I'm such an idiot!

Beth.

My little girl would spend the rest of her life thinking that I didn't want her and that Puck always did. I had handed her over to Rachel's psycho birth mom and walked away while Puckerman had been seeing her for the last two years! This was unforgivable. I wanted his head on a stick!

* * *

I finally looked up and could see through my tears that San was trying to stand up. Even as pissed as I was, I didn't want her to get hurt. Britt was suddenly yanking me to my fee. I allowed myself to be pulled back towards the couch and I ended up with my head against San's lap, sobbing my heart out.

_"I'm sorry Q. I'm so fucking sorry that I never told you."_ San said as she ran a hand over my head. I could feel the baby kicking the side of my face and I remembered suddenly that my friend was trying to be open with me despite how shitty she felt. So I allowed myself to breath just a little bit.

_"So...you've always known?"_ I asked as I allowed my tears to leak from my cheeks and onto her leg.

_"Yes."_ she whispered.

I felt utterly betrayed and there was nothing that I could do about it. She was trying to be honest and I wanted so badly to forgive her for this, especially in her condition.

_"Tell me everything."_ I said against her leg.

_"Come on and sit up, I want to look at you in the eyes...please?"_

San tried to pull at me to help me up and I could hear her struggling to breathe normally. Even with the way that I was feeling I didn't want to make her feel any worse. I sat up abruptly and moved to the opposite end of the couch just out of her reach. She curled up more so that we were facing each other and then looked over at B. I watched as Britt silently encouraged her and then she nodded.

This was hard for her but she was willing to do it even if it drove me away.

* * *

_"When you gave up Beth, Noah came to me upset and in tears. He wanted to numb himself with sex and drugs. I spent a full month in the beginning of that summer at his house each night trying to console him. Halfway through the summer just before I went off for my boob job, I encouraged him to talk to you about how he felt because you were both going through the same thing but he was just too pissed at you that he refused. So instead while I was gone, he started sniffing around Berry and somehow managed to get Shelby's number. He called her and asked for her to allow him to see Beth. She fought him on it at first but then he eventually wore her down. When he called me, I told him to tell you. He wouldn't. Instead while I was out in California recovering he was seeing Beth every weekend. I told him that if he didn't tell you when we got back to school that I would. I planned to but then you got me knocked to the bottom of the pyramid, so I changed my mind. Life went on and then you and I reconciled. I didn't know how to tell you at that point, especially since I had so much going on in my own life and didn't want to lose you. It was selfish of me and I'm sorry. Anyway, he fell for Olivia an I supported it so hard because all along I had this feeling that he was going to go after Shelby and then after graduation he did. He didn't even tell me about it...Ian did. He still hasn't told me. He got engaged over Christmas."_

* * *

I was completely speechless. I looked from San to Britt because obviously San was asleep during Christmas so that bit of news had to have come from her. Britt looked at me finally and sighed heavily. I had been in her corner, she could have told me at any time but she didn't.

This just hurt so fucking much.

_"How did you find out?"_ my voice sounded strained as I looked over at Brittany.

_"I was a Tony's when Puck called me. He wanted to tell someone and he said that since he couldn't tell Ana, that I was the next best thing since I always had known about him and Shelby. I just told Ana today when I saw that he made a video."_

_"And where is Puck now?"_ I said from behind my gritted teeth. I wanted to castrate the bastard.

_"They live together on Long Island. He's in the Police Academy."_ Britt mumbled as she looked at me for the first time waiting for my reaction.

* * *

I wouldn't give either of them the satisfaction of seeing me break. I was hurt and needed to get as far away from them at the moment as possible or I was going to say something that I knew that I would regret down the road. The day had just been way too heavy for me. Everyone that I loved was systematically breaking my heart.

This was just unbearable and once Beth became involved it had become the final straw.

Something had to change.


	24. Chapter 24:Don't Trust Me

**Chapter 24: Don't Trust Me (3OH!3)**

* * *

**_Something had to change._**

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

It took everything in me not to visit Anita at the hospital those first couple of days but I still checked in with Brittany just to make sure that she was okay. Now that I knew that she had this embolism, I felt like a piece of my soul was dying and at times I just wanted to break down in tears but instead I danced.

I would let my body sail through the air to the music that existed in my head and I would let my body gyrate with all the natural rhythms that existed there.

Dancing was the only way to cope with sadness, it had gotten me through two bouts of Leukemia and now it would get me through Anita being sick.

Because I knew that she would get better.

My faith wouldn't allow me to think otherwise.

* * *

**_How is she?-Ari_**

**_Hey Arita! I feel crappy-Anita_**

**_I missed you so much!-Ari_**

**_I miss you. Come see me tomorrow?-Anita_**

**_Okay. After work.-Ari_**

**_You work? Wait just get here and catch me up. Love you!-Anita_**

* * *

I woke up before dawn just like always, laced up my sneakers and hooked my ear buds to my iPhone.

The feel of the cold winter air immediately shot through my body like caffeine and I jolted through the streets.

I needed to clear my head because there was a lot going on up there.

This was the first time in my life that I was completely on my own and I was still feeling out my environment. It was almost as if I was just learning to walk.

I had expected to always have the cover of my family. This new way of living was far from the way that I had planned to get through college. I had grown up closely guarded by my parents, my five older and two younger brothers.

It had taken a lot of convincing for them to allow me to leave to New York on my own. They were putting all of their trust in me and the first time home, Rachel destroyed everything that I had spent eighteen years building.

* * *

My family moved to Ohio from the Dominican Republic, when I was five. We were piss poor so at first we went to stay with my dad's brother Mondo. We lived with him in a small apartment over his restaurant in Dayton for three months before Papi found a job as the janitor in some guy's office in Lima. The guy was also a really nice landlord so he found us a place as well. It was our first stroke of luck.

It helped us strike out on our own and now my parents after saving every penny were able to buy that house. I was really proud of them and up until Christmas they had been proud of me too.

We moved to Lima Heights when Mami was pregnant with my baby brother Paco and neither of my parents spoke English so I became their little dama and did everything they asked of me. I took pride in being their only daughter and did everything I could to be perfect.

Of course Cancer would later come along and smash that into pieces but even through chemo I was still their sweet little girl.

My first time dealing with Leukemia was when I was four back on the island. The doctors there were great but my treatment just wasn't working so that was why we moved to Ohio in the first place. Once we were in America, my treatment became more aggressive and I went into remission at five.

The doctors encouraged my parents to keep me active and to make sure that I kept my bones strong. So being penniless, my parents went home and turned on the music. Mami and Tia Sofie (who later died of cancer herself) took me to the sala, we moved all the furniture and then we danced. Everyday this is what we did.

We thought we had it beat until I was ten and it came roaring back...that time I almost died until I got a bone marrow transplant from my cousin. I had been in remission for eight years now and was hoping to stay that way. I still had worries that it would come back while I was knee deep in dance training.

Not being able to dance professionally scared me senseless.

What scared me worse though was finally making it big and my parents not being there to see me do it.

* * *

We had been in America all of two years when I finally broke out of my shell a bit.

I picked up English quickly from the kids in the neighborhood and it wasn't long before I was reading everything that I could get my hands on. I was dancing around the house like crazy, sometimes while reading. Books and dance became my two great loves.

My parents have always been proud of me and I have never really given them any reason to believe otherwise. If they told me something it was usually the gospel. Of course I wasn't stupid or gullible.

I questioned everything they told me just not to their faces. Neither one of them could read English so I felt free to go out and get whatever kind of book I wanted and I would openly read it. I was rebellious but I was insanely sneaky about it.

And I'm still that way.

I tend to get what I want but not because it's given to me.

I get what I want because I work for it.

There is an endless supply of blood, sweat, and tears in my accomplishments.

I'm a fighter.

I'm a planner.

And I am always strategic.

And sneaky...well that was until I fell in love for the first time.

* * *

I was so happy when I met Santana Lopez and she decided to be my best friend. Girls like her were usually loners and so the very fact that she broke down her walls for me was a feat in and of itself. She had a reputation in Lima Heights, she was a badass who was richer than any of us and could probably pay a bigger kid to beat us all up. I had seen her do it once or twice. So she wasn't just all talk like I had pinned her to be at first.

I had seen her around the neighborhood, side by side with her Abuela looking innocent but then she would see someone and her glare would turn them to stone. I wanted to be friends with her from the moment that I first saw her in the neighborhood, so when she turned up in my communion class, I formulated a plot to become her best friend.

And I knew just how to do it.

While everyone cowered in fear, I laughed at her, openly. They all called me crazy but I knew what I was doing. I laughed out loud after she slipped in front of the whole class and even though no one else laughed or made a sound, not even the nun, I continued to laugh out loud with not an ounce of shame and it wasn't long until she joined in.

The nun wasn't happy with me and so I ended up being punished. I took my lashes without making a sound and went back to my seat, I didn't shed a tear, being hit with a ruler had nothing on the needles from chemo. Nothing.

I wasn't surprised that me and Ana became fast friends after that. Our parents were so happy to see us playing with another girl instead of chasing around after the bad boys on the street, that they encouraged every interaction that we made.

Of course we are both lesbians now so maybe they should have rethought that.

I wouldn't change a thing though.

I spent a lot of nights in her Magick treehouse and under her covers playing secret little games.

It was all innocent and all very chaste but to us kissing for that first time was magick even though it lasted no more than a second.

I was hooked after that and I knew that she was, our mistake was that we didn't censor ourselves in front of the adults in our lives and it was quickly becoming a scandal by the time we had our confirmation.

I had lost my knack for sneakiness when Anita was around because I just always wanted to touch her.

She admitted that she would fight to be with me someday and be my prince. My Aladdin. So I called her my princess Jasmine. We had our own little world that we lived in and the adults didn't like it.

Not one bit.

I wasn't surprised when we got banned from seeing each other...but what did surprise me was when my cousin, my bone marrow donor, Marco got to have her instead...that still bothers me.

* * *

I ran all the way up towards Broadway and then began to make my way back towards the river, I had already clocked over four miles and was feeling like my head was actually starting to clear.

Of course that was until my phone rang.

_"Talk to me!"_ I chuckled into the receiver. I loved answering the phone like that.

_"Ariana?"_ a deep voice spoke into my ear.

_"Papi?" _My heart trembled.

_"No it's Carlos...do I sound like dad?"_

_"Oh shit...hey Lito...yea you do. I'm happy to hear from you."_

_"Maybe you won't be after we talk? I just got back from Japan and I hear that you got disowned but they wouldn't tell me why. Did they find out?"_

_"Yea...it was horrible. My ex girlfriend came to the Christmas Party and Tio Hector spiked her drink and she let it slip. They put me on a plane and told me that they never wanted to speak to me again. I'm dead to them. After everything Lito...how could they say those words to me."_

_"Wow...I can't believe that. Dead? With all the time that we spent in your hospital room, you near death for them to say that is just harsh. I am so sorry that I wasn't there to back you up."_

_"I wish you had been but its okay, you have more important things to worry about. I understand you had to go be amazing. How long are you back for?"_

_"I haven't gotten my papers yet but I am getting a choice I think...hopefully closer to home. I really want to see you more often."_

_"Awesome! Me too."_

_"So where are you staying? Are you back at school?"_

_"I'm in New York, yea. I am staying with some friends until school starts up in a few weeks."_

_"Good...I was afraid you were on the street or something."_

_"No...I have a place to sleep and food to eat."_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm fine, Carlos!" _

_"Ok, well then...can I come see you? Maybe next week?"_

_"I'd really like that."_

_"Great! I'll book my hotel and flight today!"_

_"I can't wait."_

_"Me either...I missed you so much sis."_

_"I missed you too."_

_"Good."_

_"Hey Lito?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"You heard from Marco?"_

_"Uh...yea. Fucking ass...something about a technicality in his arrest. I think he is getting released soon."_

_"No! Are you kidding me?"_

_"Nah...the family is in an uproar over it. Speaking of which how is little Anita doing?"_

_"She's good. She should be having her second baby soon and she's still happily married to Brittany."_

_"And you're still okay with that?"_

_"I have no other choice...besides...I'm swearing off relationships until I get my degree or make it on Broadway...whatever comes first."_

_"Big dreams for my little sis...I'm proud of you, I'm sure you will do it all."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Listen I have to go okay...I'll call you to let you know when I'm coming."_

_"Okay Lito. I love you!"_

_"I love you too!"_

* * *

When I got back to the theater, I wasn't surprised that Brittany still wasn't back. She had been at Anita's beck and call for days. She was trying so hard to make amends for what she had done. When she did managed to stop in she looked exhausted but happy which made me happy.

I had long accepted that she was the love of Anita's life and I would go on living with that. I just wanted her to be happy and I knew that my looming presence kept Brittany on her toes.

She knew that I was ready to swoop in, I had never tried to hide my feelings or intentions. I just wasn't going to be malicious. I have faith that things end up working out just like they are supposed to and if my life is meant to be the way it is, then I gladly accept it.

It's better than not being alive at all.

* * *

I had convinced Brittany to let me start clearing out the space in the basement that housed the old dance studio that I was in love with. She told me that the owner was thinking of tearing the place down so it didn't matter if I cleared anything out or not.

It killed me to think they would want to get rid of such an expansive dance studio.

It was a perfect space and I had plans for it.

I always had a plan!

It was my work and she was even paying me to do it...I refused at first because I knew that it was just her way of making sure that I had money to feed myself but then she gave me that pout of hers and I relented.

I had cleared out one whole studio the previous night and was now mopping the floor and wiping down the mirrors. When I finished and stood back I felt tears come to my eyes.

This was my dream.

I would own this one day...I just knew it.

* * *

As a kid whose bones were so weak and who had no where to dance, I had dreamed of my own studio where I could do my jazz run and not knock down my mothers figuras. We couldn't afford dance classes for me so I had spent a lot of time working as a helper at a dance school downtown just to watch when I got old enough.

That studio was where I had seen Brittany for the first time without knowing who she was and if I had really paid attention I would have noticed Rachel there too...but I didn't.

The floor was finally dry and I was going to practice spinning across the floor, I was really excited about it and had been looking forward to it all morning long so when I went to make the first move and my phone started vibrating, I nearly screamed in frustration.

It was ingrained in me, I had to answer, because three of my older brothers were all in the military, I always answered.

So when I saw the blocked number I didn't hesitate but now I wish that maybe I did.

* * *

_"Hello?"_ I said mindlessly as I kicked off my shoes and began to slide back and forth across the floor. I nearly toppled over when I heard the voice on the other end.

_"Ariana...baby?"_

_"Shit! What do you want?"_

_"I need you."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm in trouble."_

_"Of course you are."_

_"Ariana...honey...please this is serious!"_

_"So and why should I care?"_

_"B-because you...we have something. We have a connection and because I'm sorry. Like really sorry. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and-"_

I couldn't take the whining any longer. I thought this was over. I walked to the far wall and sat on the floor against the mirror. My heart was heavy again as I sighed and tried to breathe through my irritation.

_"What is it exactly that you want from me, Rachel?"_

_"I'm-this is my one phone call. I'm in jail." _she began sobbing. I was halfway between horror and laughter as I choked back my reaction.

_"What did you do?"_

_"I got busted for underage drinking. For public drunkenness."_

_"Public drunkenness? You? How?"_

_"I peed in the bushes in front of a cops house."_

_"Wow...well you're definitely fucked yourself with that move." _I said with a chuckle. This was just too insane and that's saying something when it comes to Rachel Berry.

* * *

_"Can you come bail me out? My dads can't find out about this." _she was pleading with me now.

_"And where do you expect me to get that kind of money? It's not like I can go to my parents, I got disowned remember? I'm not rich."_

I'm not usually a bitter person and I am really good at letting things roll right off my back but this was the one great irritation that got me angrier than I have ever been. She had some nerve even asking me for anything. I wanted to be spiteful but it just wasn't in me.

_"I have the money...you just have to break into my apartment. You're from Lima Heights I'm sur-" _My anger sparked when I heard her begin to insult me.

_"If you finish that demeaning sentence I'm hanging up." _I cut in.

_"Shit...I didn't mean it like that. I just...could you break into my apartment and into my safe? I need like a thousand."_

_"No. There is no way that I am breaking into anything! You are certifiably insane! With my luck, I'll end up locked up right next to you!"_

_"My minute is almost up...please Ariana...I'll make it up to you however you want! I'm at the precinct by NYADA...please?"_

_"Don't drop the soap!"_

* * *

I ended the call and tossed my phone onto the window sill before making my way across the floor. My head was so full that I couldn't even formulate a thought. I just wanted to hit someone or something. How could people be so callous and selfish and still ask for things? Why was she so inconsiderate?

I spun myself around the floor until the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension left my body. I slid and stretched until my body felt limber again.

I needed to help her. I couldn't stop myself.

How had I gotten wrapped up in this?

This was such a crazy situation.

Who did she think I was?

There was just no way that I could bail her out. I grew up in Lima Heights, I was living off a scholarship and had just started my first bank account at Anita's insistence. I was slowly building something for myself.

How could she possibly think that I would be able to help her?

The truth was that I may have come off as harsh but Rachel knew that I would come through for her one way or another, which is why she knew that she could call me. I cared more than I liked to most of the time.

I couldn't just leave her hanging no matter how much I wanted to.

* * *

_"Yes?"_

I hesitated when I heard the cold voice on the other end of the phone. I was tempted to hang up but I have more balls than that. I wasn't going to let anyone scare me so easily.

_"Quinn, it's Ari."_

_"Oh...hey Ari."_ her voice changed from ice cold to warm summer breeze faster than I could blink. It was highly unsettling that she had the ability to be so two faced. It just was unnatural.

_"Is this a bad time?"_

_"If you wait for a good time you may never get a hold of me. How can I help you?"_

_"It's Rachel."_ I said slowly and then immediately cut myself off before she could say anything. _"She's sitting in a jail cell and I know that you used to date her and...shit...that's not a good reason is it...I guess I just didn't know who else to call."_ I finished off lamely. I just wasn't good at asking people for things.

She laughed and then paused a second before she spoke.

_"How do you know Rachel? Why did she call you?"_

_"We dated...I dumped her over the holidays after she outed me to my family. I only just found out that you dated." _

I had hoped that we could avoid this but now here we were. I had heard of how vindictive Quinn could be and I really didn't want to be on her bad side. She had basically taken my place by Anita's side and so I already knew that I wasn't her favorite person but we had an amicable relationship and I wanted it to stay that way.

_"She outed you?" _Well I wasn't expecting that response.

_"Yes."_

_"Two dads...Rachel 'Gay Pride Parade' Berry...outed you?"_

_"Yea...I know...its crazy. Look this is just all sorts of fucked up, I realize that and while I think that she could stand to sit in there because she deserves it. You know as well as I do that she is going to break in there and will probably get herself killed."_

_"Did she tell you to call me, Ari?"_

_"No."_

_"So she doesn't know that you're doing this?"_

_"Nope...in fact she was hoping that I would agree to break into her apartment and crack into her safe."_

_"Of course she was."_

_"I refused to do it though."_

_"Smart girl...you would have ended up right in there with her."_

_"Yea...so can you help?"_

_"Where are you now?"_

_"Britt's studio, she's letting me stay here until school opens back up."_

_"Great. I'm at the house. Come meet me and we can go break our little songbird out of lockup."_

_"Um...ok." _I hated that she was getting so much fucking amusement out of all of this. It was cold hearted and hypocritical for someone who professed to be such a staunch Christian.

_"Look, Ari, just so you know, I'm only doing this because she was there for me when no one else was. I am not happy about having to help her but I'm glad that you called me instead of getting yourself arrested. I'll see you when you get here, okay?" _the call ended before I could conjure up a response.

Something about Quinn had always put me on edge and this time was definitely not an exception.

God...her and Rachel were perfect for each other.

They were both bat shit crazy!

* * *

The air bit into my exposed face as the January winds froze my cheeks. It was much colder in the afternoon than it had been first thing in the morning. I rushed the four blocks towards Ana's house as fast as I could. It was starting to snow a little and I really didn't want to get stuck out in a storm.

I was nervous as I thought about what my New York life had become. How had my dreams of dance turned into me bailing out my first girlfriend with her first girlfriend?

This was just a fucked up little world that they lived in. How could Anita seriously deal with these people? I knew when I saw Rachel outside that nightclub that I should have walked in the opposite direction but her smile had won me over almost instantly.

And just like that I got sucked right in and was still feeling the repercussions of that decision.

I loved Rachel...she was like that street cat you never adopted but always fed. I didn't want her to starve but I didn't want her in my personal space either.

Now though...just like that street cat...it was getting pretty hard to shake her.

* * *

_"There you are!"_

I looked up suddenly and I swear it took me a whole minute to recognize the girl in front of me.

There sat Quinn on the front steps of the house sporting a jet black spiky new hairdo. Her hazel eyes stuck out even more now and the cute little nose ring just made her seem hotter. She didn't seem as cold as she did before but that air of cool still surrounded her.

I was in shock though as I watched her bring a cigarette to her lips and blow smoke expertly out her mouth in rings. My stomach turned a bit as she smiled after seeing me staring.

_"You okay?"_ she said with a cocky smile on her face.

_"Wow. You totally look h-different."_ I corrected quickly.

She snickered at my almost slip up and then stood up from the step. She was still smirking as she walked past me and flicked the cigarette into the street. I followed quietly behind her as she hailed a cab.

I was stuck in the twilight zone.

_"So what do you think of the new look?"_ she asked as our cab pulled off.

_"You look good. I am a firm believer in change so I like it...well I like most of it."_

_"Oh yeah?"_ she said as she scrolled through her phone. She was trying to seem nonchalant but I knew that I had gotten to her with my word choice. _"Most of it?"_

_"Yea...I don't like the smoking. It isn't just reckless, it's kind of stupid and I would think that with Izzy and Ana both so sick with lung issues that you wouldn't want to end up in the same boat. Don't you want to be a doctor?"_ I asked without even glancing at her.

Check mate, Fabray.

How's that for nonchalant?

_"Fine. I get it. I don't need a PSA. Thanks."_ she bit out sarcastically.

_"Look I'm not judging you. I just know that people like you and I are really big on facts and so I was just stating the obvious."_

_"You don't know anything about me."_

_"You're right...I obviously don't."_

* * *

I wanted to get as far away as possible from her and her crazy.

I just didn't have the tolerance for rich white girl problems.

I wasn't going to put up with the madness longer than I had to. So when the cab stopped in front of the police station I hopped out of the car and made my way up to the main doors without even looking back. She was rich one so she shouldn't have a problem paying for the cab ride.

I was annoyed as I waited at the entrance for her, because honestly, I felt like this could have happened without me. Quinn ran a hand through her hair and stepped towards the main desk as if this was something that she did everyday.

I waited in the lobby as she went into the back and talked to the officers. I had only planned to stay long enough to see Rachel but of course fate had different plans.

* * *

_"Ms. Soto? Is that you?"_ I lifted my head and there standing in front of me was my scholarship adviser.

I swallowed hard and stood to my feet. Great!

This day was shaping up to be a pain in the ass.

I was wishing that I was still in Lima.

_"Madame S. What are you doing here?"_

_"I was just about to ask you the same question, Ariana."_

_"I can explain."_

_"Are you in trouble?"_

_"No madam I am here to pick up a friend."_

_"Where is this friend then?"_ she asked as she put her hands on her hips and looked around the lobby.

_"Uh...uh..."_ I was actually speechless.

Fuck...I knew that there was a clause about indecency somewhere in my scholarship agreement.

* * *

_"Ari...oh baby th-"_ my head snapped to the side when I saw a disheveled Rachel stumble through the doors with Quinn holding onto her arm.

_"Rachel?"_ my head snapped to the side as I saw recognition in Rachel's eyes. She stood there with her mouth hanging open as she looked at my adviser.

_"Shelby?"_ Quinn said as she stepped in front of a shell shocked Rachel. _"What are you doing here?"_ Quinn's eyes snapped to Rachel and then a light went on in her eyes. _"Did you call her Rach? Really?"_

Rachel's eyes never left the floor as we all stared her down.

_"Yes she called me, Quinn, I am her mother!"_ My eyebrows were at my hairline. Shelby turned to look at me and looked a bit flustered. _"So Ariana you were here to bail my daughter put of jail?"_

_"Daughter?"_ I was so fucking confused.

* * *

_"I'm not your daughter...just because I called doesn't mean that...you lost the right to call me that."_ Rachel suddenly regained her composure and snapped her mouth closed.

_"What the fuck?" _I whispered to myself as I turned to Quinn. Rachel and Shelby were having a silent standoff and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I looked to see if Quinn agreed but she was pissed in her own right as she looked between mother and daughter.

_"Let's get out of here."_ Rachel suddenly said as she yanked at my hand but I didn't budge.

I didn't want any part in this.

I wasn't going to sacrifice my scholarship because of whatever was going on between the three of them.

_"Actually I'm not going anywhere with you. I just wanted to see if you were okay and now that I know you are...I'm leaving."_

I snatched my hand back and stormed off. This was just my breaking point with the crazy. I was going to remove myself from them as best as I could. I didn't even look back as I flagged down the first cab that I could find.

_"Presbyterian Hospital, please?"_

* * *

When I got up to Anita's room she was sitting up in bed with her nose in a book. I felt the anger rush from me as I saw her sitting there in her own little world looking effortlessly beautiful.

_"Hey."_ I said as I knocked on the door.

Just like always the moment her eyes were on me, the whole world vanished. She smiled that smile that I always considered just for me and even if she showed it to anyone else, she had shown it to me first.

_"Arita! God I'm so glad that you're here! B just left to meet with Tony and Quinn is forwarding my calls. I was super lonely."_ she said excitedly as she patted the bed and then crossed her legs so that there was room for me to sit.

I shut the door and made my way up onto the bed.

_"Oh boy...I know that look. What happened? I'm desperate for some good gossip."_ she leaned forward and looked at me excitedly.

_"Does the name Shelby mean anything to you?"_ I asked knowing that Anita would give it to me straight, no bullshit.

* * *

Somehow it didn't surprise me when she sat up straight and looked at me excitedly. A light was shining behind her eyes. I didn't smile back and so Anita got a little pale and her face twisted up in a scowl. She knew that this wasn't good news.

_"Why? What happened?"_

_"Up until today she has been my scholarship adviser but apparently she's Rachel's mom?"_ I said as I looked at her questioningly.

_"She's more than that but yeah...she Rachel's birth mom. She came into Berry's life and then when she got attached Shelby chose to walk away. Then she adopted Quinn's baby and now she's marrying Puck. She is a whole boatload of crazy...just like her daughter."_

_"Tell me about it. I-I...shit...that's just fucked up."_ I said finally as I ruffled my hair and took a deep breath.

_"How did you find out? Wait...and how do you know Rachel in the first place?"_

_"Oh man...Brittany didn't tell you?"_

* * *

Saying something like that to someone while they were trying to gain trust back in another person isn't a good idea. I panicked when I watched her face drop.

_"What?"_ her whole face went pale.

_"No, no...Britt didn't do anything wrong. I swear. She's been the only good, non crazy thing in my life!"_ I quickly blurted out.

_"Oh...wow...geez! Don't scare me like that."_ she sighed as she pressed a hand to her chest.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Yea...just don't do that again okay, it might kill me!"_ she tried to laugh through her discomfort but I knew better. She was sick just thinking that Brittany was lying to her again.

_"Yea...I'm sorry Anita."_

_"Its fine really. Now tell me what part Britt has in all this?"_

_"Oh...well first off, I've been dating Rachel on and off since October."_

_"How did that happen?"_

_"There was a mixer held for the NYC dramatic art programs. It was held at NYADA and I met here there. While you were in that coma...your family was super tense and so I backed off. I completely threw myself into school. I didn't see anyone after September when my classes got more intense. So I had no idea she knew you guys."_

_"Small fucking world."_

_"Yea...I believe that more today than ever before."_

_"So Britt?"_

_"I'm getting there. So I went home for Christmas and you know my family Christmas party at Tio Hector's?"_

_"Oh shit...yea I loved those!"_

_"Yea well that idiot spiked the drinks and Rachel got trashed and outed me to my entire family."_

Ana clapped a hand over her mouth and then shook her head. The tears in her eyes shocked me. She looked genuinely concerned. She knew more than anyone, with the exception of Carlos, just how big of a deal this was to me. I loved my parents, my family and not being accepted by them was really hurting me inside.

_"That bitch. So they kicked you out?"_ she looked at me sadly and rubbed my leg.

_"Yea...I got disowned and I slept in the park when I got back until it started snowing. I broke into Brittany's theater and had been staying in the basement. I got a text from Quinn when you finally woke up and rushed upstairs to find Brittany...I wasn't sure if anyone would tell her...I didn't know Quinn had made up with her."_

_"So she insisted you stay?"_

_"Yea. She has been amazing to me."_

_"Good. I'm glad."_

_"She's getting better just so you know it's not all an act."_

_"I'm starting to understand that."_

* * *

I filled Ana in on the rest of the sordid details of my life and then I listened as she filled me in on what happened the day before with Quinn.

So that explains the drastic change in her.

Some people just did things for attention and it was so dumb...like really, really dumb.

She seemed genuinely sad about the situation that I got pulled into and offered me her support and encouragement. The whole situation was screwed up and my adviser was at the center of it all. She told me that I had done a good thing walking away from the situation.

I was glad that she reaffirmed me because I was worried just a little bit about the effect that my storm off would have on my scholarship. Screw Rachel and Quinn...I had to stay in school.

It was all that I had left.

* * *

_"So tell me Anita...what do you want to do when you get out of here?"_

_"I haven't thought about it...especially now with this stupid blood clot I'll be here until February at least."_

_"So what? You should still make plans."_

_"Um...Once I'm better I think that I want to spend some time at my house in St. Mary's. The longer that I'm in New York the more that I realize that this isn't a healthy place for me. It never has been. Not with Marco and not now."_

_"Yeah...maybe getting away from New York would be best for you."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Absolutely...you've been through hell and deserve some peace."_

_"I'll talk to Britt about it. Maybe she can stay here and just come see me?"_

_"So you wouldn't go together?"_

_"I won't let her stop her life for me. I just need sometime to myself...to just be a mom and be normal for once."_

_"How long do think that you will stay there?"_

_"Maybe forever."_


	25. Chapter 25:Chase This Light

**A/N: Thank you for all the amazing, amazing reviews, adds, faves, recommends. I am writing this story from my heart and it is toughest to write such a different side to Brittany. I can't tell you how hard it is to get into this version of Britt but I love her so much more. I hope you do too! **

**Know that your reviews empower me to keep going with this story on days I want to just take it all down. Thank you!**

* * *

**Chapter 25: Chase This Light (Jimmy Eat World)**

* * *

**_"So you wouldn't go together?"_**

**_"I won't let her stop her life for me. I just need sometime to myself...to just be a mom and be normal for once."_**

**_"How long do think that you will stay there?"_**

**_"Maybe forever."_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was the middle of the night and here I sat staring out of the window of the chapel all alone.

Ana's words bouncing around my head. My timing really sucks. Hearing them talk about her potentially leaving me really hurt. I was trying so hard to be everything she needed but Tony had warned me that it might be too late.

I didn't want to believe that Ana and I would ever be completely over. I had told him over and over again that I would do whatever she asked.

I would chase her to the ends of the Earth or I would move to a new planet if that is what she asked of me.

I knew that Ari was just trying to get Ana to see passed the hospital and all the pain. I knew that while she was incredibly sneaky she wasn't malicious. She respected my marriage more than anyone else, that's why I trusted her around my wife despite the fact that she was hopelessly in love with her.

I just knew that I could trust her.

Was that wrong?

* * *

It had been a full two weeks since Ana first woke up. She was now in her eighth month of pregnancy. Our little girl was healthy and Ana, despite the embolism, was physically healthier than she had ever been. I had hope. It had been tough but I was positive that the two weeks of reconciling and talking through all of our issues had helped us move to a new level of commitment.

At least that was what I had thought before I bumped into a conversation that I shouldn't have. I'm sure that the way that Ana was thinking wasn't along the same lines as what I was imagining, at least that's what Tony thinks.

I'm not so sure though.

What were we even trying to accomplish anymore?

When I decided to become Catholic I hadn't realized the amazing amount of information that I needed to remember and I was even more amazed that I actually remembered them. One thing that I did realize in all of it was that sometimes walking away and just allowing your soul quiet time was the best way to come back to the path that you were supposed to be on.

It was something that I had always seen Ana do.

I would be ready to go, hopping along excitedly or filling every second with words and sounds. Ana though, she made it a point to create quiet for herself. She ran alone, she drove sometimes all alone and she read alone. I realize now as I sit looking up at the moon through the stained glass that she had been trying to fix the tears in her soul.

Was that what I needed to do now?

Was I broken beyond fixing?

* * *

I wanted to cry so badly or cut so badly but neither of those things would help me. With my mind back on track I was thinking much more logically than I used to be and so I saw things more clearly now. I had to justify my actions and cutting and crying both weren't something I could justify. I had gotten myself in this situation. I had apologized, repented, chastised myself. I mean I was working harder at this than anything else in my life.

And my dancing was starting to suffer.

I left to go back to Tony after I heard the conversation and I nearly flew off the stage.

It was a rookie mistake.

I was distracted and so now I needed to fix that broken part of me that was keeping me from accepting what I should have seen as inevitable.

Tony was right...I couldn't let this affect my work.

My world had just become so focused on Ana that I wasn't allowing myself a moment to breathe. I had tried to hold my two worlds together but they weren't fitting like they were supposed to.

This week we were supposed to start casting the show and as the only female director on staff, my opinion was going to be relied on heavily. I had already been warned that this show had some really big backers and that I couldn't afford to drop the ball. They were depending on me to pick a leading lady that had enough star quality to be the next big star on Broadway.

That is a tremendous undertaking.

I was insanely nervous about it.

* * *

When I found out about the size of my new responsibility, I went straight to Ana and tried to talk to her about it. She didn't see it as such a big deal. My dancing was my dream but for her it was something that I did to occupy my time. She could afford to slack off and put off law school for eternity. Her net worth just kept growing and with Sal working tirelessly to reclaim all of her father's assets, she was now worth well over thirty million dollars and that was just an estimate.

I tried to just shake off my annoyance with her but then she went even further and told me that I should just call Rachel Berry and be done with it.

Not helpful!

I know that it may sound crazy but I don't want a train wreck like Rachel anywhere near my show. She has talent and I mean huge talent but I don't think that fame would do anything but corrupt her. It would make her colder and harder than she was already was. I could deal with Ana and her ruthless streak but Rachel...she was a whole other breed of cutthroat and I didn't want that.

Add to that, I had slept with Rachel, a number of times and so I knew her on a level that I think only Quinn knows. She is a poison. Never have I met someone so selfish and conniving and I was an ex Cheerio. I needed a leading lady that I could trust not to become a diva the moment she signed her contract and I already knew that Rachel was definitely not that person.

She just wasn't someone that I could readily trust.

That was crystal clear to me.

I wish that Ana could see that...see what I could see in people.

But Ana wasn't my Santana anymore. She had emerged from the coma a different person. She was softer, more nervous, and definitely more vulnerable.

I had spent years with her taking care of me but now I was in charge of taking care of her and while I had always coveted that position in our relationship, if I could give it back...I would in a heartbeat.

* * *

_"B?"_ I looked up and saw Ana standing in the doorway, fist clenched around the IV pole looking straight at me. _"Have you been crying?"_

I reached my hands up to my face and wiped at the moisture there. I hadn't realized that I had been crying and was frustrated that I had gotten to that point. I was crying in a corner like a wimp. I hated for her to see me this way.

_"Ana, why are you out of bed?" _I tried to sound authoritative but my voice came out weak and broken. I stood to my feet and walked over to her. She was panting and fighting back a cough by the time I reached her. She looked up at me and raised a hand to my face.

_"I woke up from a nightmare about Marco. About that time that we had dinner with Mr. Evans...I was calling for you and you weren't there. When I saw that you weren't even in the room, I figured that you would be in here."_

Her walls were definitely down and I could see that she was fighting tears. Her breathing was a bit labored so I led her to the closest pew and got her to sit down. I hated seeing her like this.

So broken and sad.

Of course I'm sure she felt the same way and here we were both looking our worst.

* * *

_"I'm sorry that I wasn't there. Do you want to talk about it?"_ She shook her head and smiled a little. I could see right through her. She was hurting. I knelt down in front of her and rested a hand on her chest. I could feel the straining in her lungs. _"Your lungs are bad, you shouldn't have gotten up and tried to find me."_

_"I had to. You don't think that I can't see you falling apart Brittany? I can see how lost you are becoming. I can see that you don't look at me the same anymore. I know I'm weak but I am going to get better. I just...please don't go back to the way you were B...I'll do anything." _

_"None of this is about me Ana. I just want you to focus on getting better and bringing our little girl into this world safely. You aren't going to get better if you do things like this."_

_"I told you before that you are an important part of my recovery. I don't want you to just be holding things together...we aren't going to heal if you live like that. I want you to be happy, I want you to continue to get better and I want to help you do that in anyway that I can. I still love you B. Always and only, you."_

I wanted to cry and so I did. I cried right there as I rested my face against her neck. I laid hot wet kisses against her flesh and felt her erratic breathing against my cheek.

It suddenly put me on high alert.

* * *

_"You know what would really help me right now?"_

_"Yea?" _she said to me sounding almost breathless.

_"For you not to pass out." _I stood to my feet and wrapped my arms under her, picking her up slowly. I was careful not to rip out her IV as I held her against me. _"Grab the pole."_

Any other time she would have made a lewd comment but this time she just nodded and wrapped her hand around the pole so that it wouldn't get caught on anything.

_"When we get back to bed...will you talk to me about what's bothering you?"_ she said as I focused on making my way out of the door without bumping her.

_"Once I get you back in bed we can talk about whatever you want. Okay?"_

She nodded against me as she rested her face against my chest. I held her as tight as I could without bruising her and walked slowly down the corridor. Her room was at the opposite end of the hallway.

Normally it was a walk that took no more than a full minute but holding onto my heavily pregnant wife, it took me almost five minutes.

* * *

When we got back to the room, Doc was standing there beside the bed looking really upset. He had her oxygen mask at the ready just in case she needed it. I looked down at her as I lowered her on the bed and realized that she was asleep and breathing shallowly.

This was bad.

I felt horrible.

No matter how much encouragement I got from Gladys or Doc, no one could wipe away my guilt.

I had caused her this immense hardship and when I saw her so fragile...I broke apart more and more.

I couldn't go on living this way.

Something had to give.

* * *

_"Since you are so awake at this hour it is a good time to talk."_ Dr. J said as he looked at a perturbed Santana. She was sitting with her hands crossed over her chest and glaring at him.

She was wide awake now because her lungs had begun to seize up and he had sat her up and dumped the mask on her face. I sat on the chair beside her bed as she clutched my hand. I was tired and understood her irritation.

_"Doc...can't this wait until morning?"_

_"No. This is life or death."_ he said looking pointedly at Ana. She looked at me with worried eyes and then back at him before she nodded.

_"Go ahead Doc."_

_"You reached eight months today. I have met with the other doctors and we want to get the baby out sooner rather than later."_

Ana shook her head vigorously as she clutched her stomach. Neither of us wanted to do that...we wanted to try and make it to full term but he looked absolutely sure about this.

_"Why doc? She is doing so well."_

_"In her pregnancy yes...but the treatment for the embolism needs to be more aggressive and her being pregnant is keeping the process from advancing."_

_"So what are you saying? Are you going to cut her open again? Will the baby be sick like Izzy?" _I looked at Ana and she was in tears and clenching my fingers so hard that I felt like they might break off.

_"She and the baby are very healthy, there shouldn't be any complications. I know that you two wanted to wait until the ninth month and I was all on board with that but if we allow the embolism to progress Santana may die in labor."_

* * *

Dr. J got paged and promised to come right back after he was done seeing another patient. He had been nice enough to fill in the gaps at the hospital when he finally had Ana stable again.

Now though...we would be bringing this little girl into the world sooner than we had anticipated. When her treatment was finished Ana pulled the mask from her face and then wiped the tears from her eyes.

_"What do we do, B?"_

_"What other choice do we have? I'm not losing you Ana...Izzy and the baby need you. I need you. If Doc is sure that the baby will be okay..then I say we do it."_

_"We aren't ready for her though. We have no stuff and how will we take care of her? Isaac is already living full time with Sandra...I can't put this baby on her with everything that is going on."_

_"We will figure it out. The most important thing right now is that we save the both of you and this is the only way. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I will be here every step of the way...just like before...okay?"_

_"Yea." _she was barely holding it together as I ran a hand over her stomach.

_"Okay...so we are going to have this baby?"_

_"Yes." _she nodded as she laid a hand protectively around the baby bump. She laughed harshly when the baby kicked her hand.

_"She agrees too...that makes me feel even better." _I said as I looked into her eyes.

Ana finally smiled a little and I leaned forward to kiss her lips. She kissed me hard and when I went to pull back she put her hand on my shoulder and sucked my lip into her mouth.

It made my pulse jump to feel the passion in her return.

I hope it stayed.

Feeling that return of my own love gave me hope that we would be okay.

* * *

Dr. J came back into the room with a serious look on a face, carrying a clipboard. I wasn't used to seeing him look so angry, that just wasn't a part of his personality.

How was it even possible that he looked even more upset then when he left the room?

We both watched him as he walked over to the empty space by Ana's head and looked between us. He studied both of our faces for a second and then finally turned towards me.

_"Did you talk it over?"_

I went to speak, because he was addressing me and because that had become my place lately. I was becoming used to speaking for her but Ana had different plans. I opened my mouth to speak but she cleared her throat and looked up at her doctor.

_"I need you to answer some questions for me first before I make any kind of decisions, ok?"_

_"Ok. Shoot."_

_"So if I don't do this and I die?"_ my mouth fell open hearing her ask that kind of question so bluntly.

_"There's about a 20% chance of survival if you take this to term. If we do this cesarean then your survival rate jumps up to 90%."_

_"So when do you want to do this?"_

_"Later today would be best. The sooner, the better."_

_"Will I have time to see my family first?"_

_"Yes...as long as this is done today then it should be fine."_

_"What happens after the baby is born?"_

_"We rush you into a second surgery to vacuum out the embolism. It's minimally invasive."_

_"So two surgeries? In a row?"_ her eyes were wide as she looked at him in disbelief. She clutched my hand and I squeezed back firmly.

_"Yes but afterwards the embolism will be gone which will give your lungs the opportunity to properly heal. You will be able to make a full recovery."_

_"So have the baby and no more embolism?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How soon will I be able to go home after this?"_

_"Another week. I want to monitor you afterwards."_

_"Ok. Let's do it then."_

_"You're sure?"_ he looked over at me and then back at Ana.

_"Yes."_ we said in unison.

_"Great! I'm going to go schedule the surgeries for this afternoon. In the meantime I would call the family Brittany and Santana...you should sleep. By days end you are going to be put through the ringer you need every ounce of strength you can get."_

* * *

Dr. J left the room a million times happier than when he came in. I could tell that he had been really worried about what was going to happen with Ana and he was really excited that she had decided to go along with what he wanted to do. I was hoping that some of that excitement would flow into me because I was a wreck.

I was crazy nervous and was lost in my thoughts about what could happen if I lost her.

I would be devastated.

_"Talk to me B."_

I looked over at my wife and saw that she had been intensely watching me. Her face was creased with concern as she looked all over my face. I was tense and hunched forward. I knew that I was tearing my bottom lip to shreds.

I was freaking out inside but I had to be honest.

_"I heard what you said to Ari about going to stay at the house in St. Mary's. What is going to happen with us, Ana? Are you done with me? With us?"_

She sat back and rubbed her palms together before lowering a shaky hand towards me. I held her hand in mine and brought it to my lips. I looked into her eyes as pressed kisses to her knuckles hoping that she could see my sincerity in my eyes.

She swallowed hard and then blinked her eyes a few times. She was fighting tears. She took a deep breath, looked over at me again and let out all the air in her lungs. I could see the strain that it caused but she was going to ignore it. She wanted to answer me.

I appreciated that more than anything!

* * *

_"I think about that more and more, each day, B. So much has happened and I just don't think that we should rush things this time around. I still want to be your wife. I still want to raise our little family together but I think that I need to get away from this city and you are tied to it now."_

_"So you're more than considering it? Even though I can't really leave?"_

_"Yes."_

_"We could move upstate or to Jersey even...you always hated Ohio, why go back? We can just find a place here."_

_"Is that what you want?"_

_"Of course!"_

_"Why?"_

_"Ana...we have barely been married a whole year and we have spent so much of that time away from each other. If you mean what you say about staying together then why can't we do that now, in New York, together? You can't take care of Izzy and the baby all on your own in your condition. I know that you think you can but I don't want to test that. I don't want you to have to find out how being a single parent is. I want the best for our kids and we are the best thing for them."_

_"So then what...you want to buy another house?"_

_"Close by. I want to spend every night by your side."_

_"Ok."_

My heart sped up...did she really just agree? That was much easier than I thought it would be.

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes...but we pick it together this time."_

_"I'm so excited that you agreed with me."_ I leaned in and kissed her lips and she kissed me back! _"Get some rest. I'm going to go and call Gladys."_

_"Okay."_

_"Te Amo, Ana!"_

_"Te Amo...B, para siempre!"_

* * *

I left the room and rushed down to the chapel and dropped down on my knees at the base of the altar. I had never felt so full of faith and joy. I was still nervous though.

_"Dear baby Jesus...please please please watch over my family. Be with them through this. Amen."_

* * *

After leaving the chapel, I made my way to the quietest waiting room and called my mother in law. It wasn't until she answered that I realized that it as barely five in the morning. I hoped that she in a good mood because I knew that this conversation wasn't going to do anything but make her nervous.

_"Hello?"_ her accent broke through and I found myself smiling.

_"Ma...it Brittany."_

_"What's wrong?"_ she was alert suddenly.

_"Can you get the family together as soon as possible and come to the hospital? It's important."_

"Is she okay? Is she dying? Oh God...tell me Brittany!"

_"I have faith that she will be okay, Ma, please just come down here."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

I knew that my mother in law would take care of calling in the sisters...I had to call Quinn and message Ari. I chose Ari first because she was easier.

**_Hey we hve nws. Come 2 da hosp.-Brittany_**

**_Finishing my run, I'll be there as soon as I shower.-Ari_**

**_K.-Britttany_**

* * *

Quinn though...she was totally different.

She could hold a grudge like no other that I had ever seen in my life.

She hadn't been answering our phone calls but this was important and I knew that she would be upset if she missed it. I was hoping that her habit of answering the phone while half asleep would work in my favor.

_"Yeah?"_ I could tell she hadn't answered without looking, she was definitely still a creature of habit

_"Don't hang up it's important."_ I blurted out before she could do anything like look at who was calling her at such an early hour.

_"What is it, Brittany?"_

_"Can you come to the hospital?"_

_"Why, does San have something else to tell me that will break my heart?"_

_"Quinn please, she needs you, okay? You and Ana have been through so much, too much to let this get between you. If you want to be mad, be mad but don't leave her hanging like this. She told you the truth. She opened up to you and she really didn't have to. Puck would never had told you her part in any of it, but she couldn't keep it from you after you sat at her bedside for months. She loves you and you love her. So please?"_

She was silent for a long time after I finished pleading with her, so long that I checked my screen to make sure that the call hadn't disconnected.

I hadn't.

_"When?"_ she finally sighed out.

_"The sooner the better."_

* * *

When I got back to the room Ana was standing up next to the bed, with her back to me, going through a duffel bag. I stepped up behind her and rested a hand on her hip. She jumped and turned her head at me.

_"What are you doing?"_

She looked up at me with a serious face for a moment and then a warm smile spread over her face. I felt uneasy because this was on fht first times that she had smiled at me like that in a very long time. I didn't know how to handle the warmth that surrounded me in that moment. I just wanted to kiss her.

She scooted up towards the head of the bed and wiggled up. She seemed to have all the energy in the world at the moment and that was definitely something that I hadn't seen from her in a while. For that moment it was like the past few months had never happened. It was like I had never lost my mind.

_"Come over here, B. I need to ask you something."_ she said as she sat cross legged and draped the blanket over her lap.

I walked to the head of the bed and rested my hip against the mattress. When I looked up I was met with happy, smiling eyes and a grin that rivaled mine in sweetness.

_"Is everything alright?"_ I asked as I bunched the end of the blanket in my shaking hands.

She was still smiling at me as she held her hand out to me. I took it in my own and brought it to my lips. Seeing her this willing and this happy gave me confidence. I brushed my lips against her knuckles and took the time to kiss each one. She giggled and then ran her thumb along my fingers.

_"Everything is more than alright. I just wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind putting this back on me."_

* * *

I was in complete shock as I looked down and saw that she was holding her wedding ring in her open, outstretched palm. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but sincerity and excitement reflected there. "I thought that my fingers would be too swollen but it fits, I checked. That's what you caught me doing." she blushed as she pushed her hand closer to me.

I took the cool metal in my fingers, slid it onto her hand. We both had huge grins on our faces as I slipped her wedding band back into it's rightful place. It was more poignant than our wedding day. I leaned in and brushed my lips agains hers. The kiss was so full of all the passion that our relationship had originally possessed.

I felt fireworks in my body as she pressed forwards and nibbled on my bottom lip. I smiled hard as I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers. This was what I had been praying for.

I was back in my element now.

Loving Santana Lopez has been easier for me than breathing.

I was ready to embrace her.

Love her.

Forever.

I kissed her forehead and then her lips.

_"I love you, Santana."_

* * *

_"That was awesomely sweet." _I turned towards the door when I heard the cold raspy voice that broke into our private moment. I was floored by the person standing there.

I felt my jaw handing open when I recognized the drastic change in Quinn. Her dark hair was hanging in spiral curls around her face as her eyes glittered with amusement. I looked back at Ana and could see that our moment had definitely been broken because her face was twisted up in a scowl. She saw something in Quinn that I didn't see.

It was like watching her figure out a physics equation.

I stood there anxiously and watched the intensely silent interaction between the two of them. Quinn stood just inside the doorway and Ana was looking straight past me at her. I tried to pull my hand away but Ana just gripped me tighter, refusing to let me run away. She needed me there...they both needed me there.

Like always I was their buffer.

Finally, Ana had enough of the standoff. Her time today was limited and she wasn't going to waste anymore of it on this.

* * *

_"I know how hard it must have been for you to come here. Thank you, Q. I really appreciate it." _

_"Ugh...it's just that...I...Britt's right, you didn't have to tell me anything if you didn't want to. Puck wouldn't have dimed you out. I am really happy that you did end up telling me. Better late than never, right?"_

_"Yes...I still feel like shit about it but I don't regret telling you." _Ana said with a shrug and a smirk. She was coming back to herself and I liked it a whole lot!

Quinn finally made her way across the room and perched on the end of the bed. She looked at us with concern in her eyes.

_"So are you okay, San?"_

_"I uh...I want to tell everyone all at once. Is that okay?"_

_"Yea. So...I'm the first one here then?" _she said as she looked around the empty room.

_"Yea. I heard about the breakup. I'm sorry." _Ana said trying to make small talk but Quinn's walls shot up immediately.

_"I'm not talking about that right now." _Ana didn't say another word, instead she just nodded in understanding and squeezed my hand_. _

Quinn was barely holding it together. She looked flustered and anxious. I couldn't tell if it was everything that happened with Celia or the stuff with Beth but she was not doing well and I could see that this situation was just making her panic a bit. She was staring off at the wall and taking deep breaths when Ana leaned forward and grabbed her hand.

She nearly fell off the bed she jumped so high but she didn't take her hand back which was a good sign.

_"Look Q, I can see that this is all weighing heavily on you. It's all going to be better soon. I just...I want to make things right between us before...before today is over. If anything happens to me, I want to know that you will take care of Issac. Please?" _Ana said without looking at either of us to see if we were listening. She knew that she had our attention._ "Can you promise me that, both of you?"_

* * *

I cupped my hand over my mouth and broke down into sobs. My whole body was shaking and I couldn't control the volume of the sounds coming out of me. I was close to screaming. I didn't like hearing Ana talk like that. It broke something inside of me. I had been holding in all of these emotions and trying to be strong but now hearing her address my greatest fear, felt like she was tearing a hole into my soul.

I looked over at Quinn and could see that my tears had affected her. She looked worried now. She looked over at Ana and just nodded in agreement. She was trying to be strong but her whole demeanor had shifted.

Now she was scared.

* * *

Our moment was broken once again by a knock on the door. I couldn't make myself stop crying. I was now leaning my head on Ana's shoulder and hiding my face against her neck. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make myself move. Everytime that I inhaled her scent the tears came out heavier.

I was a wreck.

I felt the bed dip as Quinn got up. I used the opportunity to shuffle even closer to my wife. I was leaning heavily against her and could feel the baby kicking at my side. I sighed when I felt her wrap her arms around me and then I cried even harder when she kissed the side of my face.

She was allowing me her strength and comfort.

It felt like home.

A home that I was so terrified of losing.

* * *

Precious minutes ticked by as Ana tried to soothe me but the more she tried, the more I cried. She had had enough. She rubbed hard on my back and then she shushed me a bit as I sobbed. My whole face felt like it was on fire and my tears were just making it worse.

_"It's okay, B. We will be fine. All of us, I promise. I'm coming back to you. You have to be brave for me...okay?"_ she whispered against my ear so that only I could hear her. I nodded against her shoulder and felt the tears slow a bit. _"I need you to stand up and look at me, now...okay?"_ she said with a bit of force.

The time for comfort had passed.

I stood up and wiped my eyes until they were dry. I could feel that there were other people in the room but they were silent and respectful. I looked at my wife and let the rest of the world disappear. Her face was laced with love and concern. She smiled just a little but then it vanished as she spoke.

I cut her off.

_"I-I'm sorry."_ I whispered and I felt the tears begin to well up again. She gave me a stern look and I pushed the tears back. I needed to focus. Time was running out.

Focus Lopez...focus!

* * *

_"Listen to me Brittany Susan Lopez, I need you to stay strong. Isaac needs you and I need you. This beautiful baby needs you. We need you to be the amazing mom and wife that you were born to be. Don't be scared okay. Be brave. You taught me that...you taught me to fight my demons...so I am going to go in there and fight. I need to know though that you are fighting just as hard for me and this family though. Nobody is going to take your kids from you, not me or anyone else. If I'm here or not, I need to know that you are taking care of things. I know you Britt Britt, you are the strongest, smartest person that I know. I love you Always! Para Siempre! Only you, Brittany, Forever. So tell me right now...tell me that you can handle this. Tell me you can be the person that we need you to be." _

I didn't hesitate.

My tears had dried up.

I was a wife.

A mother.

I was strong.

I was a Lopez.

I nodded in agreement and then parted my lips not knowing what was coming out, and not caring.

_"Yes. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will be your strength. I will fight, I will pray, and I commit to doing that for the rest of our lives."_

* * *

**A/N: Read and Review...tell me what you think!**


	26. Chapter 26:Everybody Talks

**A/N: You guys are awesome! I think my readers are the best on the whole site! Keep hope alive! Just remember...I promised to satisfy you! **

* * *

**Chapter 26: Everybody Talks (Neon Trees)**

* * *

**_"Yes. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will be your strength. I will fight, I will pray, and I commit to doing that for the rest of our lives."_**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

When you know a person more than half of your life you come to expect certain things from them. Something that I knew about San was that she didn't like to let her walls down for anyone. Today though, despite her whole family, me and Ari being in the room, she dropped every wall that I had known her to have.

She was wrapped up in consoling B about whatever it was we didn't know yet, while I opened up the door to her room. The first face that I saw was Celia's, quickly followed by the rest of the sisters, and Ari. I had stepped back to make way for them and was just about to shut the door when Gladys popped her head in with Izzy in her arms. He was looking at me wide eyed with a pacifier in his mouth.

His Dama wasn't his Dama anymore.

I thought he wouldn't recognize me but after a moment of staring his eyes lit up and he reached out to me. I held out my arms and he leaned into me as I grabbed onto him securely. He proceeded to lay his head on my shoulder and take a lock of my hair in his little fist.

Gladys closed the door behind her and then stepped fully into the room.

I turned and watched as Britt pulled back and looked into San's eyes. We were all watching wide eyed as she looked intensely at Britt. She was looking into her eyes searching for something as she stroked her face.

I looked over expecting to see the sisters all in various states of rudeness but they all were just watching with looks just as intense as San's.

I was floored by the weight of the words that she was saying.

Obviously this meeting wasn't about something small if Britt was breaking down so easily. Izzy began to whine into my ear a little bit so I began to rock him back and forth. He calmed down almost immediately and began to suck hard on his pacifier.

After watching San give Britt a pep talk, Britt nodded and then she spoke louder and more confident than I had ever heard her.

_"Yes. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will be your strength. I will fight, I will pray, and I commit to doing that for the rest of our lives."_

* * *

San smiled and pulled Britt's face down towards her so close that their noses were touching. My heart sped up as I watched San glance up to Britt's eyes and then she kissed her hard, one hand gripping her hair the other around her back.

The kiss was heated and heavy for a few seconds and then San pulled back with a pop. She patted Britt's hip and smiled at her. _"I love you."_ she said to her and then abruptly turned to me and held her arms out.

_"Can I have him?"_

I nodded and walked over to her. Isaac clung to me for a moment until San whispered to him, calling him Papa. He looked at his mother like she was the best thing on Earth. She smiled at him and he grinned so big that his pacifier fell out of his mouth and rolled onto the floor. I went to reach for it but then it rolled under the bed and San told me that she wanted me to let it go.

At a time like this she was worried about his teeth.

I smiled at her and then slumped down into the chair that sat beside the bed.

Britt situated Izzy so that he was situated flush against San's side and then she stood there against the edge of the bed and drapped her arm over San's shoulders. They were a family again and they made it evident just by the vibe that was now bouncing between them.

We could see the love there.

I was now certain that they were going to move forward.

They were where they should have been when they got married.

I knew that they would make it this time.

* * *

Suddenly the weak Santana that I had been seeing was gone and was replaced by my old Cheerio nemesis. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at us for a moment.

I looked around and saw that everyone was perched on a surface. They all looked just as anxious as I felt. I just wanted her to get on with it and it seemed like she realized that we all needed that more than anything. She stroked her hand through Izzy's hair as he curled against her side.

When she looked back at us her eyes were softer but her demeanor hadn't changed. She was essentially erecting a fortress around herself and I was nearly pissing myself in anticipation.

And then she took a deep pained breath.

The embolism was worse.

I took a good look at her and could see the dryness in her skin. She was paler and beginning to sweat.

She was running out of time.

I leaned forward and touched her leg.

Her head snapped to me and I could see the fear in her eyes.

_"It's going to be okay, San._" I said and tried to give her an encouraging smile. Tears were in the brims of her eyes and she turned away from me. She was trying to be strong but this was hard for her.

She was trying her hardest to stay strong but when she took one last glance at Izzy she broke and started crying. Britt rubbed at her back and then looked over at Gladys.

* * *

_"Ana's going to have the baby today and then she is going in for a surgery right after to take the blood clots out of her lungs. If we wait any longer then she is going to die."_ Britt finally said as she looked down at Izzy.

She couldn't meet our eyes after delievering that news.

* * *

My chest stung.

This was why San wanted to fix the rift between us, not for her but for me.

She didn't want me to feel guilty if she died.

So fucking selfless!

This could change everything.

No wonder Britt was so upset. No doubt she was totally blaming herself for this.

That wouldn't help.

We were past the blame.

I just hoped that everything would be alright.

* * *

After Brittany spoke she looked over at Sandra and then me and looked towards the door.

_"Lets give them time...ok?"_ Sandra said as she looked at her sisters.

Everyone made their way out of the room but then at the last second.

Ana croaked out between tears, _"Mami wait!"_ Gladys turned back and walked slowly over to San. I wanted to stay there, to watch but my hand was grabbed and I was pulled from my chair.

When I looked up it was Ari looking down at me with pity.

From the moment the whole high school found out I was pregnant, I had been recieving those stupid looks of pity and ever since they unleashed a rage in me like nothing else.

_"You should really come with me right now Quinn."_ she said as she continued to pull at me. I was pissed but I got up anyway and followed her out of the room.

* * *

When we were out in the hallway, Ari didn't stop she kept pulling at me until we were on the elevator. She hit a random button. She looked at me with a fear in her eyes.

_"I needed to talk to you."_ Ari said as she looked between my eyes.

_"Okay...well...go ahead then."_

_"My cousin got out of jail last night."_

_"Ok...why is this a big deal to me?"_ I said looking at this hot but crazy girl.

Why were hot girls insane?

Ari looked at me as the doors opened and she yanked me out into the cold parking garage.

I guess she did have a destination.

She held tight to my hand as she pulled me out towards a little vestibule and we sat down on the cold bench.

_"You don't know who my cousin is, do you?"_ she said. She lookd like she wanted to shake me but I just looked at her like the nutjob that she was acting like.

"_No. Obviously!"_ I said a little too harshly.

_"Marco Vega. Our mom's were sisters."_

The world officially got pulled from under me.

Fuck. How could San never tell me that?

_"No...he's...no!"_ I was just in disbelief.

Why now?

_"Look, my cousin has resources okay. I haven't talked to him in years but one of his goons found me as I finished my morning run. They were looking for her. I told them that I hadn't spoken to her in months. I'm kind of freaking out right now!"_

Her usually tan face was flushed red and her eyes were wide and wild looking. She had her hands tucked against her sides hugging herself. She looked just as desparate as I felt.

_"So he's back in the city?"_

_"Yea...house arrest in TriBeCa. He wants to see me. They were going to take me right then but I out ran the old guy. They know where I am though...I don't know what Marco could possibly want with her but I don't think it's a good thing. They guy says that she owes him money. Something about drugs that she has...over 50 grand worth. She's done with that stuff right?"_

_"Yes. Of course she is!" _

This was just so fucking crazy!

_"I talked to my brother yesterday and he told me that Marco was being released early...but I didn't know it was that early. I tried to get her to leave town when she gets out of the hospital and I think I have her pretty much convinced to go. Now though...I don't feel like anyone is safe. Including you! He won't hurt me...I'm family...but you...I don't know."_

* * *

**_Where are you?-Britt_**

Both of our phones went off simoultaneously scaring the shit out of us. It was the same message. Before we could respond there was another message.

**_Ana wants to talk to you both...she is going in for the c-section in like ten minutes!-Britt_**

We headed back to the elevator and Ari was quickly putting a mask up on her face but it kept falling. She wasn't as good at hiding her emotions away as we were.

_"So what do we do?"_ she said as she looked at me.

_"Tell Britt. But I don't know when a good time would be. I mean San still doesn't know that her Abuela died. We have been afraid to tell her anything really."_

_"Shit. I'm afraid to go in there. She's going to know that I'm hiding something."_

_"San is worried right now so even if she senses something she might just think that you're worried about her. So we are going to go in there and be encouraging. Okay?"_ I put a hand on her shoulder and smiled.

She looked at me for a long moment and then nodded.

Our eyes were locked but then the elevator pinged and we jumped away from each other. It shocked us!

* * *

When we got into the room, San was standing up by the window. I hadn't seen her stand in quite sometime. I looked around and there was no Britt, just her.

_"Shut the door."_ she said calmly. I was immediately on high alert. She sounded incredibly serious.

When the door was shut, she turned around and I could see that she was in her cold Cheerio facade. Ari came to stand next to me as we looked on at our shared best friend.

_"You two should sit...there isn't much time."_

_"Anita you're freaking me out." _Ari squeaked out as she sat on the far end of the couch. San looked at her and cocked an eyebrow. I sat down next to Ari and laid a hand on her thigh and squeezed it. San looked down at my hand and then up at me with a hint of jealousy.

_"When did this start? Are you sleeping together?" _My mouth dropped open and I shook my head. I pulled my hand back but Ari grabbed it and gripped it in hers.

_"No Anita...we are just friends."_

_"Okay...look...I got a call this morning. Like early...I woke up in the middle of the night and Britt was gone and my hospital phone was ringing." _she looked over at Ari and nodded,_ "It was Marco. I don't know how he found out I was here. Did you tell him?"_

_"No. I haven't talked to him Santana I swear." _she said with the most serious face in the world. San looked at me and said to me.

_"Do you remember just before graduation when I had to visit New York for the divorce?"_

_"Yea." I said, afraid of what she was going say next. _

_"I...in order for him to agree to give me that house in St. Mary's...I slept with him." _she put her hands on her stomach and looked straight into my eyes._ "I never told a soul...but...this could be his baby. He knows...he thinks it's his. So do I. Ian knew...he knew that I tried to sleep with him and get pregnant and then a week later I flew to New York and I slept with my husband...I was high out of my mind. I got really sick after that and spent a night in the ER before I flew back for graduation. I lied a shit load. I told Britt that the divorce was final...but it wasn't so my marriage to her...it's not...it's not legal...even here. I'm really fucking screwed. I was going to go to my grave with this but now that Marco is out...he's going to tell her. So Quinn...I need...I need you to tell her." _I felt nothing but disgust as I looked at my best friend. After everything...everything.

* * *

_"I can't do that San. You have to tell her yourself." _

_"But Q...this could break us."_

_"Tell her after the baby gets here. If that baby comes out looking_ like Ian then you can just forget about my primo and his stupid threats. I mean has he ever followed through?"

I looked at Ari in shock and then up at San.

_"She doesn't know what he did to you?"_ I pointed my finger at Ari and looked at San in disbelief. _"How many secrets do you fucking have Santana? What the hell?"_

_"Nobody in his family knows what he put me through. They just know that I married him."_ San said looking at me with hurt in her eyes.

_"What did he do?"_ Ari said.

_"He made Britt choking her look like a sweet embrace. He got her strung out on cocaine."_

Ari looked at me in shock as I uttered the last word and then up at San.

It was like someone had unmasked her hero.

She looked completely crushed.

There was a knock on the door.

_"Ana baby...the doctors are here to come get you."_ Britt said through the door.

_"Okay, B...one more minute...please?"_

_"Look San...you have to be the one to tell Brittany because me and Ari aren't going to get pulled into this shit. So you better wake up and tell her!"_

_"Quinn's right Anita. Marco is on house arrest...he can't come to Brittany."_

The door creaked open and San looked over in a panic.

It was Dr. Jindahl.

Ready or not, that baby was about to answer our looming question.

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

The waiting room was too fucking silent.

I looked around at my sisters and Gladys. They all looked like they were on the verge of tears just like they had been all morning. I expected that from them. I avoided their eyes mostly because I didn't want to end up in the same boat. I didn't want to get emotional.

Not here.

Not now.

Not with her looking at me every few minutes.

I caught her hazel eyes each time and smirked.

* * *

I had been watching her and Ariana from the moment they left my sister's room. They looked anxious and guilty. They still did. Ana's serious face didn't help. I chalked her face up to the worry of her unborn child but Quinn.

My Luce...she was hiding something.

I mean sure there was what I saw last night when I stopped by the house but that wasn't nearly as interesting as her face at this very moment as Ari dug her fingers against her thigh.

The sexual tension between them was palpable. They were both hot...and Quinn with this piercing and dark hair was even more so. I missed gripping her ass in my hands. I missed that spot on her neck that made her whole body quake in anticipation. Her nimble body was something that I hadn't been able to find anywhere else in all my years.

I wanted her back.

I needed her back because she was going to be my wife someday.

Or so I thought...now though with someone as hot and young as Ari, I wasn't sure that I could compete.

_"So fucking sexy."_

I felt her gaze on me, I looked up and she was staring me down with a cocky look on her face.

Had I said that outloud?

I got a sharp pointy elbow to the ribs from Brenda.

Yep, I definitely said that outloud.

It was the truth. Who could deny that she wasn't tht hottest piece of ass in this room?

* * *

My phone dinged and I jumped to answer it.

It was her. I looked up and she smirked again as she clutched her phone in her palm.

**_I know you want this sexy ass ;)-Lucy Q_**

**_Yea...so give it up, Luce-Ceily_**

**_Did you come out yet?-Lucy Q_**

**_I guess you are going to have to relieve tension all on your own-Lucy Q_**

**_Fuck you-Ceily_**

**_Come out first-Lucy Q_**

**_I will, tonight-Ceily_**

I hesitated over the message but the finally hit send and looked up at her and waited. She had a smirk but then she opened the message and looked at it for a long while before finally looking up at me with a dazed expression. I had never agreed in all the time that we had been together.

Now though after talking things out with Sandra...I think that I need to just bite the bullet and come out. I wasn't getting any younger and my mom didn't care about me anyway.

Not really.

I would still have Gladys who acted like more of a mother to me anyway and who already knew.

**_Do you want to go somewhere and talk?-Lucy Q_**

**_Yea after the baby is here.-Ceily_**

**_Okay.-Lucy Q_**

**_I'm serious, Luce, I'm going to do it.-Ceily_**

**_I'm proud of you-Lucy Q_**

**_What's with you and Ari?-Ceily_**

**_Jealous?-Lucy Q_**

**_Incredibly...if this is how I make you feel, I'll fire Amber-Ceily_**

**_It is. Don't fire her. I trust you.-Lucy Q_**

**_Well then I'm definitely glad that I was faithful! ;)-Ceily_**

**_Me too ;)-Lucy Q_**

* * *

I smiled and went to send another message but then a pale looking Britt came into the room in a blood splattered gown. She looked around at us and then zeroed in on Ari.

_"I need to talk to you."_

Ari looked around at all of us and then stood up nervously to her feet.

She walked closer to Brittany and then Brittany leaned in close to her ear and said something harshly. Her whole face going red. Ari just nodded and walked past Britt into the hallway. She was looking stiff and kind of frightened.

Something was definitely wrong.

* * *

Brittany looked at us and then a dopey smile crossed her face and then it dropped. She was all over the place.

_"The baby's here. Sh-she's beautiful"_ and then she went to turn and leave but Gladys stood.

_"How is Ana?"_

Brittany turned back around and had tears in her eyes. She swallowed and looked at Gladys for a moment before she slid down the wall and began crying into her hands. She was sobbing hard and kept shaking her head.

What the fuck happened?

Quinn knelt beside her and rubbed her back, whispering into her ear.

They had a silent conversation and then Brittany mumbled something into her ear before breaking into sobs again. Quinn looked pale as she sat down next to Brittany and pulled her against her.

My heart was in my throat. I couldn't take it anymore.

_"Will one of you fucking say something!"_


	27. Chapter 27:Wish You Were Here

**A/N: I'm not sure how I feel about this purge thing. I'm not sure how you guys feel either. I don't know much about my stories staying or going. What I do know though is that I am faithful to the story and to you guys.**

**I'm going to post and update until I can't anymore! I promise.**

**Thank you for all the reviews and adds. I love you guys! You're the best!**

* * *

**Chapter 27: Wish You Were Here (Avril Lavigne)**

* * *

_**"Will one of you fucking say something!"**_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"I just saw Marco in the hallway. Thank God that he didn't see me. If you called him I swear to God that I will fucking kill him and then break your legs! Get rid of him..now!"_ Brittany whispered harshly into my ear.

It chilled me to the bone that she was able to get so fierce and scary so easily. That part of her, the part that hurt Ana was still in there. This time though it was in defense of Ana.

I was strangely okay with it in that respect, I just hoped that it never surfaced in any other way.

I loved Anita, with everything in me and I didn't want her to be hurt by anyone.

Ever again!

* * *

What really shocked me though was the fact that my cousin wasn't but a few days out of jail and here he was coming after Anita. I was dumbstruck.

The goon said he was on house arrest, I thought that I had more time to say something.

What the fuck?

_"Dear God please don't let that baby be his!" _

I mumbled a silent prayer and then made my way out of the room without even bothering to look back. When I stepped out of the room, I thought that maybe I should turn around and bring Quinn with me. She was bat shit crazy...she could probably handle him. I mean yes, he is my family but I don't trust him.

* * *

I always knew that Marco was pure evil.

I mean yea he was always bad but around his mom and my mom he had always hid it well and appeared to be sweet and kind but that changed, drastically.

After Tia Sophie died he just about lost his mind and started doing a bunch of bad things in the neighborhood.

I avoided him every chance I got and he knew it. He never complained about it but I would always catch him staring at me. Carlos and two of my other brothers Lalo and Javier would watch him like a hawk. I wish that I had one of them with me now.

He and Carlos were really close and so Mami let him move in with us for a little while but when he started to steal from my parents, they put him out. He had been drinking and smoking even that young, Papi was afraid that he would be a bad influence on the boys so he didn't hesitate to make him leave. I was so glad he wasn't around anymore, even though I never saw him really...as the only girl in the family...I just wasn't really comfortable being alone with guys other than my brothers or Papi. He was family but he was just too wild for me.

I was sneaky but I was always a good girl in front of the family and somehow he saw right through me. He wanted to be the firestarter and get me to be bad. I didn't like him.

I hated him when I found out that he was dating Ana. I wanted to slit his throat. It was the most violent that I had ever felt and I cried in confession about it for weeks. I just wanted him gone.

Forever.

* * *

I hadn't seen my cousin in years. I still don't know how bad he got with Anita. I mean yea, I know about the drugs but she had down played it all when she told me about the abuse.

She was protecting him by making it seem like a small thing but we had just met again so I'm sure she didn't want to spend our first few moment making me worry about her.

Anita was always protecting people even when they didn't deserve it.

I don't understand it.

I could tell though from the way that Brittany got so defensive and damn near ripped out my throat that he had gone above and beyond what she had done. She had a bit of fear in her eyes when she had pulled back. She was nervous, on top of the fact that she was covered in blood.

She was on edge, otherwise, Brittany wouldn't have just threatened me in a room full of people.

I just could feel that something was going to happen. I have good instincts. It comes from being raised in Lima Heights.

So when I was walking down the hall and I heard the creak of the door, I should have turned and headed straight back to the waiting room but I didn't.

* * *

I headed towards the elevator in search of him but he found me first. I felt an iron grip around my arm and then I was being yanked into a vacant stairwell. He still managed to smell the same and it turned my stomach.

How had I been so stupid? I should have gone back for Quinn.

Ugh!

I found myself wishing that Lito had chosen to come this week instead. I found myself wishing that I had done something other than walk around by myself.

This was just scary as shit. I needed Anita, she wouldn't have let me walk straight into danger.

I wasn't as strong as her no matter how hard I tried. I was street smart but not a fighter.

Marco was both.

* * *

My back ached as I was pressed flat against the wall. He had slammed me against the concrete and knocked the wind out of me momentarily. It hurt so bad that I immediately had tears in my eyes. I slowly lifted my head up and was met with eyes that looked identical to my own.

_"Prima!"_ he said in mocking sing song voice.

_"What are you doing here?"_ I bit out slowly, still feeling breathless._  
_

_"Nice to see you too, Ariana."_

_"I would have said that its nice to see you but it would have been a lie."_

_"Right and you don't do that...you are Tia perfect little princesa! Your brothers always protected you so much and for what? You're a worthless little shit. So since you don't like to lie, tell me where my ex-wife is then."_ he squeezed both my arms as he pinned them next to me.

I swallowed hard and he squeezed harder. The pain was shooting through me and I hissed in pain. He smiled and cleared his throat. _"Where is Santana?"_

_"I don't know." _I finally said hoping that he would just let me go but of course he didn't._  
_

_"Is she in this hospital?" _he said trying but failing to sound patient._  
_

_"Y-yes."_ I was shaking and buckling under the pressure.

He was hurting me really bad. I understood now, the fear and anger that everyone had towards him made complete sense. If he could do this to his own family, his own blood then I was certain that Anita had gotten much worse.

_"Did she have the baby?"_

_"I don't know." _I had left the room before I found out._  
_

_"Is that blonde leprechan around?"_

_"Who?" _I was totally confused...was he talking about Brittany?_  
_

_"Ian." _Was he blonde?_  
_

_"He's d-dead."_

_"Nice. Saves me the trouble." _His laugh was cold and chilled me to the bone.

Was he really implying that he would have killed Ian? From what I had heard, Ian was a great guy and just didn't deserve to have a monster like Marco on his back. It wasn't hard to see why Anita had turned to Ian. He was the anti Marco.

_"What do you really want, Moncho, I don't know anything?"_

_"Shit, I haven't heard that nickname in a long time! Brings back memories. Memories of shit that I would really like to forget. Now...give me what I want. Tell me where she is."_

_"I don't know! What do you want from her? Why are you hurting me?"_ I sounded like a pussy and I didn't care. I was really freaking out and it didn't look like Brittany was sending me any back up so I was just fucked.

_"You owe me Ariana! I saved your life. My blood is in your veins. I went through that painful bone marrow scrapping and saved your life. Stop fighting me on this."_

He was right, why fight? He had saved my life and if I needed him...some day...he could probably do it again without batting a fucking eyelash. I felt so stuck.

I just wanted to cry!

_"Please...just...stop. Stop trying to hurt me because you're upset. I am so grateful for what you did for me. You didn't have to do it. I'm sorry. Please...just stop. Why are you hurting me?" _I was crying and probably looked as weak as I felt.

_"You ducked my friend. We could of had a nice chat over brunch but no...I had to come all the way down here to find you. You could have just cooperated. You didn't have to run."_

_"Well here I am. You have me now...so what do you want from me? What can I do to repay the debt that I owe you?" _he smirked and I almost gagged.

_"I want you to let her know that I want my money."_

_"Okay, I'll tell her, it's not like it makes some kind of difference, anyway. What makes you think that she will listen to me? How am I going to convince her pay you?"_

_"You tell that bitch-"_ he never finished his sentence because a hand came around the back of his neck, pulled him off me and slammed him against the wall right next to me, face first.

He yelled out as his cheek was slammed against the wall.

I clenched my eyes and tried to disappear.

He was groaning in pain, now.

Good.

I hope it hurts, pendejo!

Father forgive me.

* * *

I was staring at his contorted face as the person had his arm twisted painfully behind his back and he was starting to squeal a bit. I smiled and then I looked up to see that it was Sandra with a look of anger in her eyes. I had never seen her look this furious and I was glad that it wasn't directed at me.

Marco deserved what he got.

I was glad that people were finally starting to guard Anita like she deserved.

_"Why are you here, Marco?"_

_"I'm here for Santana. Did she snort while pregnant again?"_

_"No, thanks to you...she's off the drugs."_

_"Ha! Bullshit. She's always going to be a junkie. She just can hide it better! I just got high with her about eight months ago."_

_"You were in prison eight months ago."_

_"Is that what she told you? I got locked up...I got out...she came to see me...we got really stoned...then I gave her what she needed, what she begged me for. Went away after that...she knows why I'm here. I want to see her, where is she?"_

_"You're lying! You better get the fuck out of here Marco...stay the fuck away from this family or I will kill you myself!" _she bent his arm more and he groaned.

_"That girl there, Ariana Soto, she is my fucking family and that baby that Ana just had is mine too!"_ he spat angrily.

She twisted his arm more and he yelled out.

_"What did you say?"_

_"You heard me! Santana has been lying to all of you! Ask her about her final stash. Ask her about the quarter million dollars that she owes me! Ask her about how she let me fuck her one last time right in your house, against your front door!"_

Sandra looked pale and nauseous. I wasn't sure that I believed him but apparently she did. She looked hurt and angry but didn't let go of him. Instead she took her free hand and rammed his head against the wall.

_"Stay the fuck away from this hospital."_

_"You can't keep me away forever Sandra!"_

_"No, Marco, obviously, I can't! I want you to go now and I want you to stay away. Let this be the last fucking time I see you here. You want to talk to my sister you wait until she's healthy again. You wait until she isn't on her fucking death bed!"_

Death bed?

_"Fine. I'll wait but I would sweep your house, if I were you. I mean before the Feds show up at your door. Someone might tip them off that you have so much cocaine in a house where there are children."_

_"Fuck you!"_

With that Sandra let him go and he skipped down the steps clutching his arm to his chest. Even after her threatening him, he still walked away like he had the upper hand.

* * *

I looked up at Sandra and she was burning a hole in my head with her glare.

Oh God, help me.

I didn't need the wrath of anyone else, Brittany and Marco had been enough.

Things between me and the Lopez family had been cordial up until now and I found myself wishing that I was still able to spend my break back in Lima. I really didn't need all of this stress. I really didn't need to be stuck in this shit storm. I was just trying to be me, I had my own stuff to worry about.

I loved Anita. More than anyone but the people in her life were too much for me.

They made me feel like I wanted to curl up in the fetal postion and hide.

* * *

Sandra stepped close to me and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked like she was supressing the urge to swing at me. That would just be the icing on a day like this.

_"What do you know about all of this?"_ she was cornering me now and I pressed myself back. Sandra was the tallest of the sisters and so I had to look up to meet her eyes.

It made me feel even smaller.

I knew that I didn't deserve this kind of treatment.

I was preferring my Marco's company at least he wouldn't hurt me more than the bruises that were on my arms. Sandra though, she was a wild card. She seemed to be the type that would headlock her own mother.

_"W-what?" _I asked as I looked up at her. Her lips were moving but my heart was pounding so loud in my ears that I hadn't heard her.

_"Did you know that he was getting out of prison?" _I looked at her wide-eyed.

She stepped closer to me and I flinched.

_"Y-yes."_ I was stuttering like crazy.

I never back down but she looked so much like my Anita.

How could I fight her?

_"And you didn't think to say anything?"_

_"I just found out yesterday. I thought I had more time to say something."_

_"I can't deal with this shit, Ari! He is dangerous! He has almost killed my sister more than once. Do you know that? Do you know what he put her through? How much he hurt her? How she flinches in his presence? He is her fucking boogeyman! You know what, you need to leave, right now!"_

_"No. I'm not leaving. Fuck you. I don't care if you hit me but I won't leave! I have to be here for her!" _

I was suprised she didn't hit me after I cursed at her but she just looked at me straight in the eyes with so much anger. She was still holding her arms across her chest. She was fighting herself. She didn't know how to scare me.

I mean yea...I was fucking terrified...but she wasn't going to make me back down. Now when it came to Anita.

_"You've done enough, don't you see that?"_

_"I'm not Brittany, Sandra. You can't push me around! I won't cave in on this. I love her just as much as you, maybe more. I have loved her since I was a kid. I will never walk away from her because someone tells me too, ever again. She needs me. I'm going to be here when she wakes up. Got it?" _I said as I clenched my fists tight against my side and tightened my face. I was angry now.

This was the me from the street. The me that would fight a grown man. This was my love.

_"If she wakes up." _I cracked. I deflated and rested against the wall, as I looked up at her.

_"What do you mean, if she wakes up, why wouldn't she?"_

_"One of the embolisms...it was close to rupturing. She flat lined twice while delivering the baby. They got her heart going again but they don't know if she is going to make it through surgery. She may still die."_

Santana couldn't die.

God wasn't that cruel.

Was He?

* * *

I was still in a daze as I followed Sandra back to the waiting room. She had back down after she saw my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. I just couldn't believe that even with the good chance of her making it through today, that her heart had given up like that, twice.

Sandra held the door open for me and I walked in quietly. Everyone was in their own world, but Brittany still managed to catch my eye. I nodded to her and she nodded back. She looked like shit. She was stroking her fingers through Izzy's hair as he slept on her lap. He had been crying, his face was tear streaked and puffy. It pained me to see him like that.

Did he understand that his Mami was in trouble?

Anything is possible, right?

I sat on a chair against the back wall all by myself and looked over to my left to see that Celia was tucked in a corner with a sobbing Quinn in her arms. It was like she was already mourning Anita.

Where was her faith?

* * *

On my right, the sisters were having a powwow of their own, about only God knows what. They were always in little pockets just jabbering away. Sandra had joined them and picked up her own son. She didn't seem to want any part in the talk and walked over to sit by Gladys who was talking quietly into her phone. Even she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

The world was falling apart.

I rested my head back against the wall and closed my eyes.

I was exhausted from the drama that I just had to go through. I just wanted to be dancing across the studio floor and losing myself in music. I wanted to be happy again but that just couldn't happen.

Not until Anita was back with us.

I knew she would be back with us...it wasn't a matter of how or if, for me, it was a matter of when.

She would wake up and be healthy again.

My faith was too strong to believe otherwise.

* * *

Hours passed by with no news and so eventually Damariz and Brenda took the babies and went back to Sandra's. It was late at night and Anita's doctor was once again pulling strings so that we could stay, at least until she was out of surgery. The nurses all seemed pretty pissed and so one of them was camped outside of the waiting room to make sure that we weren't wondering the hospital.

It was super quiet, so most of us had fallen asleep.

I had no idea how late it was when I was suddenly jerked awake by yelling.

And I wasn't the only one.

I opened my eyes and saw that Sandra was in the corner, looking out the window with her back to the room. She was now yelling into her phone. I looked around and saw that Gladys was reading her Bible, Celia was sitting in the chair next to Sandra and staring up at her in disbelief while Quinn and Britt sat on the floor across from me. Britt had been laying in Quinn's lap but now was sitting there wide awake.

She looked tired and broken as she stared at Sandra. We all looked at Sandra, I was anxious to hear what she was so angry about but then when I got an inkling I wanted to shrink away.

This was bad.

I wasn't sure if I was the only one who knew what was going on. I couldn't even tell from the stares but from what I could see, everyone wanted to know. Sandra was exploding and crying.

This was definitely bad.

* * *

_"How much?"_ Sandra said after a long silence. She kept covering her face with her hand and looking out of the window in disbelief. _"I could kill her. Shit! Did you get rid of it? Yea...well get rid of it! Probably. Sweep the house in the city, too. My spare key is in my top drawer in the ottoman. Thanks Hex. I owe you for this!" _she got quiet again and scrunched up her face the same way Anita did,_ "Yea...it was untouched? Thank God for small miracles. I know...I know. Thanks. Okay...let me know what you find. Okay."_

She hung up and then looked over at me. I was lying across three chairs but when she looked at me with that anger from earlier, I sat straight up. She looked around the room and then back at me. She didn't care anymore.

_"My old comrade found it just like Marco said. Did you know about this Ari?"_ she sounded so tired. I shook my head and then looked over towards Quinn who was on the floor. Everyone was looking at me now.

_"No...she never told me about that. I doubt Quinn even knew."_

* * *

They all definitely knew that Anita was involved, I was trying to get the attention off of me but then Quinn folded her hands in her lap and looked around the room. She was calm and collected when she stared back at me.

_"We have to tell them Ari."_ she whispered as if the whole room wasn't watching us.

She couldn't have actually thought that they didn't hear her.

See what I mean?

Bat shit crazy!

* * *

Britt pressed her palms in her eyes and then looked between me and Quinn. She sighed and then rested her head against the wall.

_"What did Ana tell you?"_

_"What's the baby look like Britt?"_ I asked as I looked at her, Quinn looked at me in confusion but I had a reason.

_"She's got this puff of golden hair with lots of curls. Her eyes though I can't tell yet but we think they will be blue like Izzy's...well me and the doctors, Ana still hasn't seen her."_

_"The baby's hair is blonde?"_ Quinn said as she looked at Brittany.

_"Yea...why? Why wouldn't it be? Ian was a blonde."_

_"It's not his..."_ Quinn muttered as she looked up at me. I nodded at her and felt some of my fear settle.

I looked at Britt who was staring at Quinn sideways. She sucked her lip in between her teeth and then nodded as if someone had just answered every question she had ever had.

_"Is this about the baby being Marco's?"_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Did they think that she would tell me?

I wasn't crazy, I knew that they were talking about something intense in that room.

I knew that it had to do with Marco.

My gut told me.

I had faith that Ana would be honest with me and she didn't disappoint me.

* * *

The moment that we were away from everyone and on the way to have the baby, Ana broke down and told me everything.

She told me about Marco calling.

She told me about our wedding being fake.

She even told me how she pulled that off which I admit disgusted me.

Finding out that your wife slept with the judge that married you. Or fake married you, is not the ideal thing to hear.

But...I wasn't mad.

Somehow it made so much sense to me. The judge forged our marriage certificate after Ana found out that she was still married. He did it as a favor, she black mailed him. He had used her when she was an escort and she had threatened to reveal it to the press. She just wanted that day to be perfect.

It was warped and twisted but she did it for me.

She did it for me while I was off fucking Frankie.

I didn't deserve her.

She didn't deserve me.

Back then we needed to be alone.

Now though...we had both done our share of dirt and now we deserved each other.

* * *

As far as my daughter goes, I added it all up...I'm quick with numbers. I don't think though that her memory is as flawless as mine...especially after being in a coma. She had slept with Ian that second time...after coming back from New York. It made the most sense. She was trying to get pregnant by Ian, she was covering her tracks. It was horrible but it fit her so well.

I wasn't shocked.

The baby wasn't Marco's, I was sure of it and when I saw our little girl for the first time, I was sure of it.

When I saw the doctors clean her up and she was so light skinned and her hair was blonde, I felt relief.

I had turned to Ana to tell her but she flat lined before I could say a word.

* * *

I was screaming and crying like a maniac.

How a moment could be so bittersweet?

I haven't the slightest clue.

They used the paddles and got her heartbeat back.

I let out a long breath and waited for her to open her eyes.

She didn't.

My heart was racing as I watched her chest rise and fall. They took the baby away to check on her while they cleaned Ana up and just as they finished sewing her up she had a seizure and then flat lined again.

It took longer to get her back the second time. I was screaming so loud that Dr. J kicked me out of the room. I saw the baby on the way out and I saw the gleaming golden curls. She was so perfect.

Ana would want to see her.

I was sobbing as I watched them try to bring her back.

I was covered in blood from when I first held the baby but I didn't care.

When I stepped into the hall I heard the beep of the heart monitor and my tears dried up. I paused and thanked God.

I needed her and she was still here.

For now.

* * *

The moment I stepped towards the door and pushed it open, I froze. I though that my mind was playing tricks on me but after blinking away my tears, I saw him, clearly. I would recognize Marco anywhere but he just strode right passed me. I'm glad that he didn't recognize me.

I knew that he was looking for her and if he had recognized me, he would have known where to find her.

Small miracles.

* * *

My blood was boiling, as I raged down the hall, I didn't care where he went but he had to leave the hospital. I was so fragile that I didn't think I could talk to him without turning into either a puddle of mush or a homicidal lunatic.

I didn't trust the fire that was sparking under my skin.

I needed to release my anger.

Ari.

His cousin.

Had she told him?

* * *

I was like hell on wheels as I burst into the waiting room. I don't even know what I said to Ari, it just had to be effective enough to get her moving and it was.

I loved my wife. Fiance. Girlfriend...whatever you wanted to call her.

I loved the mother of my children and I would continue to love her, even through this.

Marco would not win this time around so whatever it was he wanted, I'd give it to him just so that Ana could have some piece.

* * *

When Ari left the room, I just stood there gazing around.

I tried to put on a smile as I told them that the baby was here. I tried to be brave just like I had promised Ana but when I looked up and could see my mother in law looking back at me, waiting for me to give her the answers to all of her questions. I stood there for a moment and tried my best to muster up a smile for her but how could I?

How do you tell a mother that their child just died twice?

I just couldn't.

I owed her so much for all that she had done for me but I just couldn't deliver those words to her.

I collapsed to the floor, sitting against the wall and bawling my eyes out instead.

No one moved.

I felt them all watching me.

Things were just hard to deal with and my lips weren't listening to the commands of my brain.

God help me! I was screaming in my head and then Quinn came over.

* * *

_"Is everything alright?" _she said softly. I shook my head and then leaned my head against the side of her face and muttered back a response to her.

_"The machines...her heart stopped twice. They are trying to save her, it started to beep when they kicked me out. She could really die Q."_

My eyes fell on my son who was in her arms looking up me with tears in his eyes.

_"Mama...hurt?"_ I just nodded, I looked down and saw the blood on the smock that I was wearing. I pealed it off of me and tossed it into the corner. When I looked at him and tried smile, I realized that it was already too late he was crying now too. He reached towards me and I picked him up in my arms and hugged him tight to my chest. I silently cried against his shoulder, while he patted the side of my face. _"Beso?"_ he said as he kissed my cheek.

_"Thank you Papa."_ I whispered as I kissed his face in return. He was my comfort.

I just wished that Ana was there with us. She was all that I needed. All that we needed.

* * *

Life was a blur after that.

I remember telling Sandra about seeing Marco and sending Ari after him. She was really upset with me but I didn't care anymore. All that mattered to me was my wife and children. I lived for them.

I needed Ana.

I needed her with every fiber of my being.

It took a few extra tears but they finally understood and just allowed me space.

* * *

I allowed Izzy to comfort me as I fell asleep against Quinn's shoulder. She thankfully had her arms around me and Izzy so that we wouldn't fall.

I needed that more than anything.

Someone to catch me if I fell.

* * *

They tried to be silent even with Sandra yelling.

I already knew what they were talking about. I already knew that Ana had tried pass off the responsibility of telling me off on them but had come to her senses and told me herself.

It didn't matter to me. What Sandra was yelling about mattered, but the other stuff was insignificant.

Why torture them?

Our day had been hard enough.

* * *

All that I really wanted, aside from seeing my wife was to go see our little girl but I didn't want to be alone. Izzy had gone home with Damariz so now all I had was Quinn but I didn't want to take her with me. It had to be Ana, so she needed to wake up soon.

Our daughter needed us.

Apart of it is also that I didn't want the baby to see me by myself.

I was worried about how that would look to her.

Which I realize is silly because babies can't focus just yet. They only see shapes but they know smell and touch. She hadn't had the chance to smell me or Ana. I wanted that to happen at the same time. So she really, really needed to be alive and awake soon or I was going to have to go without her.

Even if it hurt.

I just wanted to see her badly. I just wished that I could see her with Ana.

* * *

I hadn't given much of a response to Ari and Quinn because frankly, I didn't think that I needed to say much else. I knew.

That's what mattered right?

I pushed off the floor and stood to my feet, Sandra was texting furiously, Gladys was by her side trying to calm her down and Celia was on her way out the door to go smoke. The only ones who were actually watching me anymore was Ari and Quinn. It was like they were waiting for me to strike but I didn't pay them any mind as I popped my joints and then bent straight down to the ground and stretched.

I was done mourning my wife.

She was going to live through this.

She was too strong not to.

God heard my faith.

That's the only way that I can explain what happened next.

* * *

The door swung open just then and I could feel the atmosphere in the room tense up. I finished stretching and then I stood up and was face to face with Doc.

I smiled at him even though he looked pale and withdrawn as our eyes met across the room.

I looked at him and just waited.

Finally he smiled a little and nodded his head.

_"She made it. We got the embolisms. She's stable. She should be awake soon."_

My heart was suddenly full of so much happiness and joy.

I bounded across the room and wrapped the little man in my arms.

I think I scared him because he didn't hug me back at first but then he did.

She had made it!


	28. Chapter 28:Had Enough

**Chapter 28: Had Enough (Lifehouse)**

* * *

**_She had made it!_**

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

I tried to be in the moment and be excited but my mind kept going back to the day before. I kept thinking about how I had spent the whole night in bed staring at the walls trying to figure out how things ended up like they were. Now once again as everyone was jumping up and down around me, I zoned out and thought about my husband.

My marriage.

My future.

I know that it was a strange time to be thinking like this, with my sister stable again but the mind doesn't seem to have a sense of timing.

Then again...neither does my husband.

* * *

**_R u coming home tonite?-Sandra_**

**_No. The baby has been sick all week and so I'm going over there to check on her.-Johnny_**

**_So I wnt c u at all?-Sandra_**

**_I'll call you in the morning before my flight out.-Johnny_**

**_I needed u 2day.-Sandra_**

**_Is Jojo okay?-Johnny_**

**_Yes.-Sandra_**

**_What did you need me for? Something broken?-Johnny_**

**_I had a miscarriage this morning. Have a great night, enjoy your flight to Miami, See you next week!-Sandra_**

* * *

I didn't wait for his response instead I curled up like a ball and cried so hard that the ache in my body increased. It had only been a few hours and already my stomach was deflating a bit. I had just felt the flutter the day before. I had just had to go to my sonogram with Gladys instead of my husband.

I had gone to bed with news on the baby.

And then I woke up and my heart broke in a million pieces.

I had woke up the next morning and the moment that I stood the blood came rushing down my legs. The pain was indescribable as it ripped me apart. I had screamed at the top of my lungs, cursing my husband, cursing God. I was broken. Damariz had come into the room and found me there a huddled, bloodied mass on the floor. She's seven months pregnant so seeing her just made it hurt more made it more real for me. I was beyond myself.

My sisters had gotten me cleaned up, made sure that I ate and then put me back in bed. The tears came then...when I was all alone. I spent the rest of the next day, clenching my stomach and crying against my husband's pillow.

This was all so wrong.

Johnny being with her while he was home in New York, instead of with me was just becoming too regular for my liking.

He should have been here with me.

For me and he would have been but he didn't come home.

He had gone to her.

He wasn't there to hold me as I broke that morning.

I thought that he loved me.

* * *

There was knock at the bedroom door but I didn't bother moving. I was feeling too bitter and hateful to deal with anyone that was out there. I felt like I had been repeatedly punched in the stomach.

I hated people seeing me like this. There is no room for tears in a war zone and I wanted to think the same for now but I had lost a baby. A baby that I had just found out was a boy just twelve hours prior.

A brother for my son.

My heart was broken.

_"San? Can we come in? Please?"_

I didn't respond. I had never broken like this in front of any of my sisters.

I was the strong one.

I had seen death and destruction in a Afghanistan, even caused some it. On top of that my husband had been off cheating so a miscarriage should have been cake.

But it wasn't, no, this was definitely the hardest thing that I ever had to deal with in my life and I just wanted to make the pain stop.

* * *

I felt Damariz touch me first and I froze.

They were going to see me like this whether I liked it or not.

It's what I would have done for any of them. What I had done for Ana already.

They were giving me love back that I had given to them.

I sucked in a breathe when I felt her lay behind me. She didn't say a word as she rested her head on my back. Her baby belly was pressed against my back and I let out a whimper when I felt the baby kick me. I was so broken. She reached around me and touched my stomach. I covered my face as she rubbed me on what remained of my little baby bump, I cried even harder.

_"I'm so sorry honey."_ she whispered against my ear.

I didn't respond. There were no words to describe how I felt so I just buried my face into the pillow. I was still sobbing as Brenda came to lay in front of me. I was now sandwiched between them and felt just a degree safer. I lifted my head to see that Celia was there too, just on the other side of Brenda and she had tears in her eyes too.

Laying there together, I realized that it was the closest that the four of us had been since before our parents divorced. We had been so fragmented growing up. My mom keeping the Mari and Brenda at her side, while me and Celia were hopping back and forth between Bayamon, New York and then later on Lima. We should have been closer but it wasn't until Ana brought us together last year that we started to actually support each other so fiercely.

My heart was stuck in my throat as they all placed their hands on my stomach or my face and prayed together. I closed my eyes and listened to them asking God to hold me and comfort me. It was almost cleansing, the prayer, but it was them holding me that comforted me the most.

They were allowing me to break.

They allowing me to question.

They were pledging their support and comfort in my time of need.

They didn't ask about Johnny or my marriage.

They were just there.

They just cared for me.

Papi would have been proud.

* * *

I was grateful for their love and comfort even though we were short one sister.

A sister that would have had just the words for me.

She had been here but hadn't had this support.

I couldn't even imagine what she had been through.

Ana had been where I was and so it was her touch that would have consoled me the most. I needed her love most of all in that moment but I was grateful that I had people there with me and I would make it a point that they started being there for her now like we weren't in the past.

Almost as if they heard my thoughts we began praying for our baby sister, her kids and even her wife.

We all missed her presence in different ways and while she was finally awake it wasn't the same with her so sick. It wasn't the same with her feeble and broken.

She needed this time alone with Brittany, to patch up their marriage.

I just wished that I could have just a little of her love and attention.

Was that wrong?

Just after I lost the baby that morning, I had been tempted to get the driver to take me to the hospital so that I could curl up in her bed with her.

But I had resisted.

I couldn't lay my problems at her feet.

She had enough to worry about.

* * *

I woke up early as usual the next morning and was surprised to see that I wasn't the only one awake. The sun wasn't even up yet. It drove Johnny nuts that I always seemed to be awake. It used to amuse me but now everything about him makes my skin crawl. My throat felt raw and my flesh felt swollen. I felt like I had been run over by a tank.

I heard a sniffle.

And it hadn't come from me.

Odd.

I looked over to the other side of the bed and there was Celia, sitting there looking at her phone and silently crying. I could count on one hands the amount of times that I had seen her cry. The graying light was showing me just enough of her face that I could see the wetness that had accumulated on her cheeks.

_"What's wrong?"_ I whispered. She looked over at me and then back at her phone. She wasn't even going to even try and hide her face from me. Our relationship was the closest and we didn't have any discretion between us.

_"It's complicated."_ she shrugged.

_"Really? You're kidding right?"_

_"My life is just shitty at the moment."_

_"What happened?"_

_"I fucked up with Quinn."_

_"How bad?"_

_"I broke up with her."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because...I was too scared to do what she asked of me. I broke her heart."_

_"Then fix it."_

_"I can't"_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because it's too late."_

_"It's not too late until it's over."_

_"I tried...it's definitely over!"_

Brenda shifted in her sleep as she lay between us and I turned more to so that I could face my sister. Brenda was flat on her stomach with her head against my chest, like my son usually slept and it made me smile. Most times I was more of a mother to my sisters than my mom or Gladys. Just looking at Brenda, a twenty eight year old woman and mother of four, curled up like this was proof of that.

Celia sighed heavily and then threw her head back against the wall. I felt bad for her. Opening up had always been a hard thing for her but even with her doing that...this was just new for me. I wasn't used to seeing her so frustrated, she was the calm, collected one. Few things bothered her. She must really have loved Quinn. So while I was hurting myself and had a way bigger reason to be upset, I pushed it aside and focused on Celia because I just couldn't stand to see her hurting so badly.

_"How exactly did you try?" _I asked as more tears poured down her cheeks.

_"I went to the house last night to try and fix things. Usually people come through the back door, I came through the front and there she was on the couch with her hand shoved between Rachel's legs. I turned around and left before she even realized that I was there. It was too late. I was too late. I shouldn't have ended things."_

My heart dropped.

No fucking way.

Quinn had really lost it.

There was something deeper going on. She and I had many deep conversations about how damaged and emotionally abusive Rachel had become towards the end of their relationship.

Quinn had told me how she had sought out student counseling after their breakup.

She had been getting better.

I just don't understand how she could go back to Rachel like that. Especially with the way that Rachel had screwed her way between Ana and Brittany.

Rachel Berry was just bad news.

Her acceptance to that school really took it's toll on her. She had been there only a few days when she had been rated as average in comparison to the other singers. That kind of blow to her ego left her severely screwed up. She was no longer the best of the best and so now she was going around filling that void with sex and booze.

It was really sad.

I looked at the frustration on my sister's face and gave her advice that I wouldn't have if I didn't know the fact on the other side of the relationship. Advice that would have been stupid if I didn't know Quinn.

_"You should talk to her about it. I doubt it meant anything to her. In fact, I'm pretty certain."_

_"I don't know Sandra...I think that it's going to take me coming out to Mami to fix things. That's what it's really about. She doesn't love Rachel, I know that. This all about me, I know it."_

_" You already know what you need to do so then just do it already. Mami doesn't really care about us anyway. She only cares about herself, that's why I told you not to go to Texas. She is selfish and it's always been like that. Come out to her. You still have us. You have Gladys, who has been more of a mom to us than Mom has, right?"_

_"Yea...you're right."_

_"So then you know what you need to do."_

* * *

As if on cue the door cracked open and Gladys poked her head in. The light from the hallway poured into the room and I had to shield my eyes. I hadn't even noticed how bad my head was pounding.

_"Sandra?"_ she whispered as she looked towards the center of the bed. She wasn't sure where I was in the huddled bunch. I smiled and poked my head up. My half smiled dropped when I and could see the concern on her face.

Something had happened with Ana.

It's just never ending.

It was like we were paying for all of Papi's mistakes.

Like we were being made to make up for never being there for Ana.

* * *

_"What is it? Is everything ok?" _

_"There's news. Brittany called. She wants all of us there as soon as possible."_

I sat up abruptly and nearly knocked Damariz from the bed.

_"Shit."_ I muttered as I quickly wrapped a hand around her arm and helped her steady herself. She looked over at me with shock on her face.

_"I'm sorry Mari."_

_"I'm fine. What's wrong?"_ she said as she looked over at our second mother. She was in doctor mode almost immediately.

_"Brittany called, she sounded upset._ _She said we needed to come over there." _Gladys said as she looked at us with red eyes.

I felt so bad for her.

If we were being punished...she was feeling it the most.

* * *

We were all wide awake as we ran around getting dressed.

This was not good news...it couldn't be.

Brittany knew better than to disturb us with her being on such uneven ground with most of the sisters.

If Britt was upset then it couldn't be good.

We wanted this to end.

We wanted our sister to be happy and healthy. We were all scared of what we would hear.

We were passing each other in the halls and avoiding each others eyes because we didn't want to stop and think about what the news could be.

I was tension filled and horrible.

But it was the perfect distraction.

* * *

I headed into the nursery after showering and throwing on my Marine sweats. I didn't feel too comfortable in my own skin at the moment, in fact, I felt terrible. So I was just going to take my problems at face value and not care too much about my appearance. I doubt that was on the top of the list for my sister.

She didn't give a flying fuck what I wore.

So neither would I.

* * *

When I walked into the room the boys were talking up a storm, I regretted not grabbing my phone so I could record it for Ana. Hopefully she would come home soon and hear it for herself. Thinking about her here with me, brought a smile to my face. I smiled to myself and then flipped on the light. They were facing each other, standing up and babbling at each other from their cribs. I couldn't believe how much they were talking, it was insane. Well Jojo was talking and Izzy was answering back with babbles and the words he knew.

It was beyond cute.

I looked down at my nephew and could see his mothers face in his.

What if she never came out of the hospital?

What if his days with his mother were numbered.

It made my heart hurt just to think about it.

So I pushed the feelings down and focused on getting the boys ready.

* * *

_"Tee!"_ Izzy screeched when he saw me. I picked up Johnny from his crib and helped him down onto the floor.

_"Go potty."_ I said as I looked down at my son. He smiled and ran towards the little potty in the bathroom. After watching him climb on and open his little Diego book.

Brenda, a mother of four boys, was amazed how quickly I had potty trained my one year old son. I was pretty surprised myself but my persistence had paid off. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and I hoped to help Ana and Britt with Izzy when he was ready.

_"Tee!"_ Izzy screeched again when I zoned out. I looked at him and stuck out my tongue. He put his pudgy little hand to his mouth and tried to blow a kiss. I picked him up and swung him around and then placed Izzy on the changing table. He laughed up at me as I changed his stinky diaper and when he smelled himself he scrunched up hid nose. _"Eck!"_ I couldn't help the laugh that fell from my lips.

_"Yes Izzy... Eck you stink!" _He smiled at me with his six little teeth asI wiped him clean and then powdered his butt before giving him a clean diaper. I blew raspberries on his stomach and he let out giggles and screeched.

_"Keen!"_ he screamed as he slapped his hands to his naked belly.

_"Yes, all clean!"_ I said. I suddenly felt a tugging on my pant leg and looked down to see my son handing me a book. I shook my head at him. _"You want to go bye?"_ I said to my son.

_"Bye bye?"_ he asked me as he dropped his book and raised his arms so I could carry him.

I couldn't ignore the smile he gave me that was so much his father. I didn't want him to have a torn family like me. I wanted to fix things. I wanted my husband to look at me again. To not resent me like he did now. I was in his cheating way.

It sucked.

_"Yes...go see Titi."_

_"Yay!"_ he ran in circles screaming at the top of his lungs with Izzy mimicking him.

I wish I could be that excited about our destination.

Between my son and nephew I felt my spirits rise a bit. That's how I knew taking them to the hospital might help not just me but Ana as well.

* * *

We took two cars to the hospital. I drove with Gladys and the babies while my sisters drove in front of us. I found myself just needing her presence. My sisters were great and had provided me with some solace but Gladys just had a different way about her. I hoped she could make me stay calm.

_"How are you feeling?"_ Gladys asked as she laid a warm hand on my arm.

It had always been like this between us. I remember going to stay with her and Papi when they first got married. She hadn't tried to be my mom, she wanted to be my friend and she always had been. She was the softer side of me. She was genuine. She wrote me and sent care packages when I was away and when I got caught sleeping with that girl, she called and pledged her support for me.

So I knew that I could be honest with her and she wouldn't judge me too harshly.

_"Like I want to die."_ I whispered. Even though they wouldn't understand what I meant, I was thankful that Johnny and Isaac had on headphones and were watching Elmo. _"I feel like I'm being punished...like we all are, Ana included. I just don't understand why. I just feel so alone. And I know that I shouldn't."_

_"Did you talk to your husband? He should be here."_

_"I texted him and told him."_

_"And he still didn't come home?"_

_"Nope."_

_"I'm so sorry to hear that mamita. I wish your father was here. This wouldn't have happened, Aden would have dragged him to the house last night. He would have protected you."_

_"No...that's not true Mama. He let that stuff happen to Ana. Why was he so quick to protect me and not her?"_

_"I wish I knew."_

* * *

Our conversation stopped there thankfully.

Neither one of us dealt in 'what ifs', it was a dangerous and foolish way of thinking.

I had such a close relationship with my father before he died, I knew that he loved us all, that he wanted happiness for us but when it came to  
Ana he was blind to her pain. I knew about every affair he had. I knew that he left my mother after beating her senseless. I knew that he never laid an ill hand on Gladys purposelessly.

He was sick.

His mind was all sorts of fucked up. I knew his demons and would never forgive him for letting Marco do that to Santana because standing idly by while she suffered...that wasn't love.

When we got to the hospital my sisters were having a heavy discussion about Brittany's conversion to Catholicism and if it was genuine. Gladys hung back and scolded them about it.

She gave her word that Brittany had changed and although I didn't say it out loud, somehow that was enough for me.

And since they usually followed my lead I would try and show my support.

We continued straight up the room quietly, all lost in out own thoughts. We knew better then to walk in there on attack mode after getting yelled at by Ana. We were worried about her but we weren't going to carry any feelings into the room with us.

One way or another we needed to deal with how we felt, just not in front of Brittany.

Ana had made it clear, plain and simple.

Accept Brittany or get the hell out of her life.

We collectively chose to give Brittany a chance obviously, Ana's happiness meant more to us then the grudge we held against her wife.

* * *

Quinn opened the door and we all quietly walked into the room. Quinn looked pale and withdrawn, the new black hair made it even more apparent and it made my stomach drop. It does something to me when I see the strongest people break.

I guess that's how my sisters must have felt the night before.

My baby sister sat in her hospital bed looking tired and strained. She was trying to be brave, trying to smile but it never reached her eyes. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. I saw right through her.

Ana was stalling as she looked at each of us, she was scared and didn't know how to speak...even with Quinn encouraging her. She was trying to be strong but I could see the cracks in her surface.

I just wanted to hold her.

I just wanted to make everything right.

Just when she looked like she was going to cry, Brittany jumped in and told us.

Hearing that my sister was going to die if she didn't get surgery immediately made me tear up. When was God going to finally say that my sister had, had enough.

After Brittany spoke the room went silent. Ana broke down and began crying into her hands. Britt looked around I understood.

_"Let's give them some time." _Gladys said as she led the way out into the hallway.

* * *

My son is the best baby but he has his days.

Days where he just doesn't like me very much.

It tended to happen around my period and so I left him to his dad at those times.

I didn't have my period but he still sensed a change in me and he did not like it.

So he spent all the time in the waiting room, curled up on Brenda's lap shooting glares at me.

I swear he's possessed or something.

I'm smiling back at my cranky little son when my phone, which I thought was still off went off.

**_Where r u?-Johnny_**

**_Hospital. Ana's in surgery.-Sandra_**

**_Came home. R u serious about the baby?-Johnny_**

**_Yes. I wouldn't fuck around like that Jo-Sandra_**

**_I'm sorry that I wasn't home.-Johnny_**

**_It's fine.-Sandra_**

**_No...it really isn't.-Johnny_**

**_So what do you want from me?-Sandra_**

**_Forgiveness. It won't happen again. You needed me and I failed you.-Johnny_**

**_Little too late.-Sandra_**

**_I know. Look...season is over this week. When I get home...it will be different.-Johnny_**

**_It better be.-Sandra_**

**_I love you baby-Johnny_**

**_We'll see.-Sandra_**

* * *

I was so wrapped up in trying to keep my cool that I didn't realize Brittany sent Ari off on her own.

It took me a whole ten minutes for her to tell me that she had sent her after Marco. The only reason that I didn't flip out at her is because she had just gone through something major.

I would chalk it up to that.

My heart was pounding as I sprinted down the hall towards the nursing station. Ari was one of the few people in Ana's life that hadn't hurt her. I liked her, I trusted her and I didn't want Marco to hurt her.

So I was insanely happy when I heard his deep voice through the stairwell door.

I was going to kick his ass.

* * *

How can I explain the atrocity that is or rather was my sister's relationship with Marco Vega?

In one word.

Avoidable.

I blame Papi for starting this chain of events. I know that it's not right to blame the dead but how else would this have even started in the first place?

Once Marco had sucked Ana into his orbit it was hard to get her out.

He had this indescribable hold over her.

So getting to have a hold on him for once felt cathartic.

I just wished that he didn't walk away with such a fucking amused look on his face.

The clues had all been there but I had been so wrapped up in my own world that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

* * *

I had known that Ana needed to come to New York to finalize her divorce.

At first she had tried to just say that she needed to do some things for school but I knew it was bullshit. I knew that anything she needed to do could be done from Lima on the internet.

I saw right through her lies, so, I wouldn't let her borrow my car or driver until she told me.

I was completely floored when she told me that she had gotten a judge to sign off on her marriage to Britt. I wished that I hadn't been so curious but I was and so I drilled her on how she had done it.

She tried to just say that he never filed the papers. That he was supposed to once the divorce was final but he never did because he got disbarred anyway. I drilled her further and that's when she let it slip that she had been his escort.

I should have gone with her to Marco's house after I found that out but she told me she would take my driver inside, she fucking insisted, little did I know that she paid my driver a thousand dollars to get lost.

She just gets sucked in to that fucking orbit and it's going to stop if I can help it.

Marco has a hold over her that I have never understood until Johnny cheated.

I realized that he has a hold over me that goes deeper than just sharing a son.

I don't think I will ever understand it fully but I do think I understand Ana better.

She was in a detrimental cycle.

Papi set her up to fail.

I had enough of it.

* * *

When I was finished with nearly throwing Marco down the stairs and trying to get answers out of Ari, I had gone back to the waiting room and texted my old comrade who was a retired Navy Seal. He had done so many drug raids that I knew he could find anything that Ana had stashed in my house.

My mind was reeling.

I was usually so good with catching her out on her shit but she had gotten the wool over my eyes. I was so disappointed in her right now.

I was sitting there trying to breathe through the cramps in my back and side, hoping that I could shove down the pain but it didn't seem to be working. I was bordering on a breakdown.

I swallowed huge masses of air and then my phone rang.

* * *

When he called me back he was calm, cool and collected as he told me that my sister had a half million dollars worth of drugs stashed in my house.

Enough to overdose three times.

He told me that it took everything in him not to report it. That it would have been a huge drug bust if found by the Feds and how he hoped for my sake that it was all gone. He said that he looked high and low in every conceivable place and about how amazed he was. He said that it was all spread out and it would have taken the average person months to find it. He tired to joke that Ana could definitely hide stuff and that it seemed almost professional, how well she had done it.

I didn't laugh.

Because the joke was apparently on me.

Things were going to change.

I was fuming.

As soon as Ana was well enough to explain...she was going to.

I wasn't going to cut her any more slack.

She officially made this my business.

* * *

After we got news that she had survived, I was relieved and then I got a second call from Hex and he told me that he found another half million worth of coke stashed in her house...I almost passed out.

Ana really had us all fooled.

She had changed...that's what I believed.

It's what she wanted all of us to believe and it worked.

I wanted answers.

* * *

Everyone around me was celebrating but I couldn't.

I was too busy being heartbroken to join in.

I knew that this was where the real work began.

You never celebrate a war victory on enemy territory.

I wouldn't be excited about her recovery until it was a full out recovery.

Until I got her to a place where the very thought of cocaine made her cringe.

I felt betrayed.

My heart hurt on so many levels.

I wanted to be happy that she had survived and obviously I was.

Had it been anyone else, I would have killed them but this was Ana.

I was so torn between my love for her and the pain of it all.

This was just so unforgivable.

I wanted to believe that she had forgotten that she stashed it all but it was one million dollars worth of cocaine.

How could she possibly forget that?

* * *

_"Tell me."_

I was knocked from my thoughts by Brittany.

When she spoke the room got quiet.

Ana's doctor went to leave the room but I held my hand up and stopped him.

Everyone needed to be on the same page.

Screw sister loyalty. She had broken that when she brought that shit in my house.

If she was going to truly recover from her addiction and get from underneath Marco then everyone in her life needed to be on the same page.

All of her shit needed to be out on the table.

What it all boiled down to was that Ana needed help. She couldn't hold herself up anymore. She had fucked up things so badly that she was drowning in her lies and if we didn't stop it she was going to take down her children, her marriage, and the whole family.

Enough was enough!

* * *

**A/N: It's all coming to a head folks. Review and tell me what you think! **


	29. Chapter 29:Something Beautiful

**Chapter 29: Something Beautiful (NEEDTOBREATHE)**

* * *

_**If she was going to truly recover from her addiction and get from underneath Marco then everyone in her life needed to be on the same page.**_

_**All of her shit needed to be out on the table.**_

_**What it all boiled down to was that Ana needed help. She couldn't hold herself up anymore. She had fucked up things so badly that she was drowning in her lies and if we didn't stop it she was going to take down her children, her marriage, and the whole family.**_

_**Enough was enough!**_

* * *

_Beep...beep...beep_

I was swimming in a vast pond. The water was cool and although my breaths were shallow, they weren't labored. Eventually I just floated there on the water, enjoying the sweet serenity of being blinded by the blackness, surrounded by complete darkness.

Even my mind was clear of all the junk that usually drove me crazy.

I was beyond all of the pain and the only thing that invaded my senses was the constant and steady beating of my own heart.

Where was I?

Who knows...probably deep in my own subconscious.

It was like a good high without the hard crash.

It was peaceful and I wanted to just stay there forever.

Beyond the pain

the sadness

the fear

the failure

the addiction

beyond life.

* * *

My body began to move of its own accord and suddenly I was plunged into the noisy world. I resisted at first but then they began calling me.

_"Santana...Santana can you hear me?"_

I opened my eyes and came face to face with mixed expressions of fear and anxiety.

They were my family but they weren't as peaceful as I was.

They were tormented...by me.

I turned towards the voice that had called my name and could see Doc looking at me with a big smile on his face.

_"I'm alive?"_ I breathed out with ease. This was the first time since I woke up from the coma that breathing hadn't been an issue. It was refreshing and hopefully long lasting.

_"Yes." _He said as he quietly wrote down my vitals. I peered around the room and then I looked around again and still couldn't find her.

_"Where's Brittany?" _I finally asked after giving up my search.

_"She will be back any moment." _he said as he wrote more. If he didn't think that it was a big deal then neither would I.

_"How long was I out?"_

_"Depends on who you ask."_

_"Did you get them all?"_

_"Yes, there are some issues but they are minor and will clear up with time. So tell me, how do you feel?"_

_"Tired but alive." _I sighed. I looked at him as I shrugged and was met by his warm chuckle. I could feel some of the tension in the room ease a bit when he laughed. _"How's the baby? Is she okay?"_

He looked over his shoulder as the door opened and then looked back at me.

_"See for yourself."_

* * *

Doc stepped to the side and I looked towards the door. Brittany had tears in her eyes and a crooked smile on her face as she looked at me.

She kept stealing glances downwards at the glass crib that she was pushing towards my bed. I was so anxious. I sat up slowly and leaned against the pillows as I looked towards the swaddled little baby. I could already feel the tears coming as I watched Britt pick her up.

There was a lump in my throat but I kept pushing it down. I tried to peek even further but the staples pulled at my skin. I hissed in pain, finally just giving in and sitting back.

I had to be patient even though I just wanted, I needed to, I just had to know.

I had two different names picked out for my daughter depending on who her father was.

Britt finally stopped torturing me and leaned over.

The first thing that I saw was the gorgeous blonde curls. So far so good.

Then again Ari is a blonde and she's related to Marco.

Shit!

When the baby was finally in my arms I could see that she had my features just like Isaac.

I cradled her and then I blew lightly across her face.

She peaked her eyes open and I gasped. They were the darkest ocean blue and then she smiled and I saw her father immediately.

There wasn't a single blue eyed person in Marco's family or my own. I was certain that she was Ian's.

Thank God!

I looked up at Britt and she just nodded with the biggest smile on her face.

She had already known.

* * *

_"Hi Princesa! Mami is so happy that you are okay." _I said as I let her wrap her tiny hand around the tip of my pinky finger.

She stared deeply into my eyes as if she was reading my soul and I just stared back. I looked down at her for the longest time, forgetting the rest of the world.

Content with whom I was, and that she was safe, she eventually closed her eyes and fell right back to sleep. I looked up and smiled at all the faces around the room.

Unfortunately, only one of them was looking away.

_"Mami?"_ I said quietly. My mother froze and then popped her head up, finally looking my way. _"Tu nieta."_ I said as I held my arms out.

I watched as she dabbed at the corner of her eyes with a tissue before standing to her feet finally. I could still sense the tension in the room but they were going to have wait. This moment wasn't about me, it was about my daughter.

Mami made it to the side of my bed and stared down at me for a long time.

_"Take her Mami."_ I whispered as I held the baby out.

She leaned in and picked up her granddaughter...the first granddaughter in the family.

Watching my mom looking at her with so much awe made my heart clench.

_"What's her name?"_ Mami asked.

_"Daniela Amaris Lopez. After Ian's grandfather and-" _

_"My middle name...Tu Abuela's name."_

_"Yes. You don't think that she will mind do you? I mean I know she cut me off but-"_ I was rambling so she cut me off with a watery smile and head nod.

_"It's fine Santana."_ I nodded, recognizing the signal to stop talking. This wasn't the first time she refused to talk about Abuela.

Had something happened?

What was she keeping from me?

I looked at her again and could see the hurt on her face.

I wanted so badly to ask but this was about Daniela.

My curiosity could wait.

For now.

* * *

Mami walked towards the other occupants of the room to show off her granddaughter.

I smiled as I watched her walk with pride and then turned to Britt who was still standing beside me.

_"Is she healthy?"_ I asked.

_"Yes. No complications." _

_"Good." _

_"I need to tell you something." _

_"What happened?" _Britt kicked off her shoes and then squeezed on the bed beside me and threw her arm over my shoulders.

_"Its not good babe...it can wait a little while longer."_

_"Did he come here?"_ I muttered against her ear. She didn't speak, she just gave a curt nod. _"That's not the worst is it?" _

I felt my anxiety rise. Please...not that.

I looked over at Sandra and could see that my worst fear had been realized. My sister looked at me with hurt eyes and just shook her head once.

We would talk just not now.

* * *

_"We all know Ana. Even Doc knows."_ I pressed my face against my neck against her neck and finally let the tears come. She wrapped her arms around me as my whole body shook with the force of my tears.

_"I'm so sorry Britt...I'm so fucking sorry."_ I whispered against her.

_"It's not me that you need to apologize to. I'm going to take Dani and the family back to the nursery while you talk to your sister. Whenever you're ready okay?"_ I nodded and tucked my arms around her and squeezed.

_"Are you mad?" _

_"No. I'm just...I'm really sad." _

_"I'm so-" _

_"Don't."_ I pulled back and could see the redness in her eyes as she stared ahead. I reached up and turned her face towards me. I had wanted to see her eyes so badly buy now I wished that I hadn't.

Her eyes made a sob tear from my throat.

She was beyond sad, she was heartbroken.

I nodded and turned my face but she caught my lips first.

She pressed her chapped lips against mine. I sucked her sore bottom lip between my own and stroked it with my tongue. There was a faint taste of metal where she had bit through the skin. She pulled back first and looked at me in the eyes before smiling gently and standing to her feet.

_"I'm going to take them now. We'll talk about this later okay?"_ she looked anxious until I nodded my head. Britt smiled brightly as she stumbled into her old worn out sneakers and let out a low whistle. _"Okay, family, we discuss this. Let's leave them to it." _

It surprised me how the whole room was receptive to B and almost immediately they made their way out of the room. I dropped my head and avoided their eyes.

They knew.

What were thinking?

Did they hate me?

What was going to happen?

The door shut and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I rubbed my palms together and then rubbed at my drying tears with them. I had still yet to look at her.

Truth be told, I was terrified.

I fucked up royally and deserved her wrath.

* * *

My sister has always been in my corner. Even when I never saw her, she would still routinely call and check in.

I cared what she thought of me. I cared if Sandra was proud me more than my own parents.

Which was why, as I looked into her broken and angry face, I wanted to cry. I wanted to break something. I wanted to kill Marco. I wanted to do everything that I could to fix what I could clearly see that I had ruined.

Our relationship was priceless and I had totally betrayed it.

I was startled out of my thoughts when she finally spoke without moving, without lifting her eyes.

Her voice was hard and cold.

_"When was the last time that you used? Where were you?"_ I looked over at her in shock. I hadn't expected that to be the first thing that she said to me. It made me truly wonder what she knew exactly.

_"You already know the answer to that question."_

_"No, I really don't."_

She stood to her feet and began to pace back and forth. I watched her steeling her emotions. I watched her as she subconsciously clenched her fists at her sides. I was so busy watching her that I hadn't thought up a response. She stopped abruptly and leaned against the end of my bed and clutched the edge of it.

She still wasn't looking me in the eyes.

I felt like shit.

* * *

_"You do."_ I finally said. She looked up at me finally and I could see that she had a cool rage there. It reminded me of Sue and Quinn and Papi all wrapped up together and my skin began to crawl.

My senses heightened.

I felt the crackle of danger in the air.

She clenched her teeth together and looked at me hard.

_"Tell me. I want answers. REAL ones!"_ she ground out.

Her knuckles were turning white and her face was red.

_"Okay...shit. Okay."_ I said as I clenched my hands together and rubbed my palms.

I was shaking.

It was time to come clean.

I didn't even know where to begin but I knew that I needed to give her what she wanted.

_"When I went to Marco's that day and I paid off your driver...uh...I walked right into a meeting between Marco and his lawyer. I was happy that I wasn't alone with him even though that never mattered to Marco before. He dismissed his lawyer the moment he saw me use my key to get into the apartment. I guess he took that as a sign of me coming home. Once we were alone I asked him to reconsider fighting me in the divorce. He wouldn't budge though. I told him...you know that I would do anything to set things right. He named his price and I gave in."_

_"His price?" _

_"Yea?"_ I said nervously.

_"What was his price?"_ A vein was protruding from the side of her neck and I swallowed hard. My mouth was dry.

* * *

_"He wanted one last go for the road. Like last summer. I made him swear on his mother that he meant it and he did. So I let him fuck me a few times. Then he dangled a bag of coke in my face. I said no but he then he threatened to back out unless I had the bag. He lined up the coke for me..."_ I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. The memory haunted me. I still had nightmares about it.

_"And? Don't you dare leave anything out!"_ I jumped as my sister's voice interrupted my thoughts. I opened my eyes and looked at her through my tears. She didn't soften she just maintained her stiff posture and glared at me.

_"He lined them up on the coffee table, then he sat me on his lap. He was sitting on the floor against the couch. He wanted me to ride him while I snorted. Just like old times. Except for me it wasn't. I was already high when I fucked him before. So I was bent over the table and my wedding band,"_ I held up my hand and looked at the ring, _"it kept clanging against the glass table as...as I broke my vows."_

I covered my face with my hand and felt the cool platinum graze my lips. I kissed the ring and then wiped the tears from my face. I looked up and saw that Sandra's face hadn't softened one bit.

_"Does Britt know?" _

_"That whole story? No. She just knows the facts. That I fucked him." _

_"Are you going to tell her?"_

_"If she lets me...I'll tell her everything."_ I definitely thought we were done after that.

I thought that she wouldn't keep talking but I had done a lot of shit, so I wasn't surprised when she opened her mouth to say more with that same look on her face.

* * *

_"Tell me Santana, what were you going to do with a million dollars worth if cocaine?" _

_"Fuck."_ I muttered as I buried my head in my hands._ "He told you?"_ I said as I tried to piece things together in a way that didn't make me sound like a junkie or like someone who...Ugh...I was so screwed.

It could be okay...I could make it so, right?

_"Don't you dare try and make this seem okay. It's not okay."_

_"Let me guess,"_ I looked up at her and licked at my dry, burning lips. _"You had someone find it?"_ which explains the extent of her rage.

_"What do you think? Marco threatened to call the Feds! Tell me why you had it! Tell me why you put it in my house? Tell me why he says you owe him so much money? I'm the executor of your fucking inheritance until you are twenty five! A thousand to my driver...sure I won't notice that but a quarter million?"_ she looked like she was resisting the urge to strangle me.

_"This is just so so fucked up." _

_"You bet it is!" _

_"The stuff at your house...is his. He was going to prison and they were going to raid his house. He told me that...if I didn't find a place to stash it that he would take me down with him."_

_"What do you mean take you down?"_ her eyebrows were raised.

_"I did a lot of things that summer that I wasn't proud of. The thing that...I'm the most ashamed of though...is killing someone."_ I whispered out.

* * *

_"What?"_ she yelped.

_"It was like my second week of work, I was stupid. I mixed Mr. Evans cocaine with powdered bleach...when I set the lines up for him one night at the club, he got called away and one of the strippers...your girl, sixteen, she found the lines while I was away on an escort and she...fuck...she snorted two lines...was dead before the third. Marco forced me to go with him when he dumped her body."_ I had my arms wrapped around myself as I put my chin to my chest and sobbed. I was too ashamed to look at my sister. _"So...I-I, fuck, I stashed it all over your house. Then I gave him a key to the pool house so that he could stash the rest when I headed home."_

_"You gave him the key to my house? Are you stupid?"_ she now had her hands in her hair and was looking at me wide eyed.

_"The pool house...just the pool house." _

_"Which is still on my property! I can't believe this right now!"_

_"I'm sorry." _I whispered.

_"So why does he think that you owe him money?" _she said coldly as she completely ignored my apology.

_"Because I do."  
_

_"That's not a good enough answer, tell me why."  
_

_"I was supposed to sell that house in St. Mary's and give him the money for the defense of his case and instead I waited until his back was turned and convinced the judge to give me the deed to the house instead. He's not really happy about that but I fucking earned that house. It's mine. I offered though...when he called the other night, I offered to just give him the cocaine back so he could get his money but he refused. He said that he needed money, not cocaine. He's on probation. He can't have that stuff on him. And you pointed out my reason earlier. How the hell am I supposed to get my hands on that kind of money without drumming up suspicion?"  
_

_"I'm enacting the clause that Papi put in there."  
_

_"What clause?"  
_

_"I'm cutting you off until you go through rehab. I don't trust you to stay off the drugs."  
_

_"I'm not a junkie Sandra!"  
_

_"Either that or turn yourself in."  
_

_"What?"  
_

_"You heard me...rehab or jail. Oh...and don't you dare take Isaac out of my house."  
_

_"He's my son!" _I pointed to my chest in anger, rehab I can deal with but my son..._ "No one will ever take him from me again! I'm his mother!"  
_

_"Yea well, when you act like his mother...then I won't be so anxious for you to have him by yourself."  
_

_"You can't do that. You don't know what it's like Sandra to lose your kid. It kills me not to see his face every moment that I'm away from him! You can't keep me from him. You may rule my money but not my kid. You can't keep me from him!" _I was borderline hysterical.

_"No...but Britt can and she's on my side in this." _Her eyes and words got impossibly colder. I felt like she didn't even know me. Like she wanted me dead or something. It was the worst feeling in the world.

_"You can't be serious."  
_

_"Oh I am, I am very fucking serious." _she didn't look at me as she stormed from the room. I had broken what we had between us and I wasn't sure that I would ever get it back.

* * *

_"It's going to be alright babe." _Britt said as she pulled me against her. We were sitting in the chapel with Dani sleeping in my arms. I was weeping quietly as I held her._  
_

_"I have to tell you somethings...about last summer."_

_"When you were with Marco?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Lets talk about it when we take her back to the nursery. I don't think all this crying is good for her. Do you want to try and walk?"_

_"Yes...but promise me that you will let me tell you what happened?"_

_"Are you sure that you want me to know?"_

_"Yes...I need you to know. I only told Sandra today. Marco is the only one that knows other than that."_

_"Is it really bad?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay. Just know that I love you unconditionally and I'm not going to stop!"_

_"I don't know about that, B." _I said quietly, as she helped me to my feet.

I looked down at my daughter and imagined her being like that girl. They called her Dani, too. So the fact that Ian asked me to name the baby after his Da, I just knew that it was a sign. The tears fell from my eyes as I looked down at the sleeping baby in my arms and thought about just how much I didn't deserve her.

We walked arm in arm, silently down the hallway towards the elevator as I pondered what was ahead for me.

* * *

It was early afternoon, my family had gone off to do their own thing. None of them were very happy with me. Mami was the only one who looked at me with pity and I wasn't quite sure I was happy about that. Quinn was going to be bringing Izzy later and I was trying my hardest to lift my own spirits.

But the girl was on my mind.

I had let this out into the atmosphere and now I didn't want to hide it anymore. I was willing to go to rehab but I also felt inclined to turn myself in. My law career, my dreams of congress were just that dreams. It's truly the reason that I put off school.

What was the point of going into politics now?

I could see how it would turn out, I would become successful and be running for some big office and then this would drop out of the sky. It would ruin my life and the life of my family, my children. I just couldn't risk that.

Marco had really fucked this whole thing up for me.

I have long stopped blaming me though. I had done this with the intent to kill someone.

It was premeditated, no matter how stoned I was.

Father forgive me.

* * *

I sat with my eyes closed. I was afraid to open them. I was afraid of what I needed to do but I had to do this. I had to talk to someone.

As we were dropping Daniela back off to the nursery, Tony called Britt. They needed her for a few hours. She promised to be back that night and we would talk. So I did the next best thing.

I called Quinn.

So now we sat side-by-side in the chapel. I was anxious to talk to her.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

_"Talk to me San."_

_"I don't know...maybe...I should...um..."_ I trailed off, my mind was so busy trying to deal with all the hormones and emotions that I couldn't even lie properly.

_"I won't say anything to anyone."_

_"You see...I don't even know if I want to tell you. It's not about my trust in you or anything Q, it's just that in this situation the less that you know the better."_

_"What did you kill someone?" _she chuckled.

_"Yes."_

* * *

Quinn looked at me in shock and then turned towards the front and looked up at the crucifix. We sat there for awhile, really quiet. I could hear her breathing, it was fast and she was gasping every few seconds. She was having a panic attack. She reached out and touched my hand and squeezed it.

_"Oh God. San...how many secrets do you have?"_

_"More than enough...but this one...this one could ruin the rest of my life."_

_"It's not could San, it's will. This will ruin your life."_

* * *

_"So Pa...what do I do?" _In the time that Britt had been gone, I had gone from not telling anyone but her to telling Quinn and now my Padrino.

_"As a mother of a daughter...what would you want someone to do?" _I was afraid he would say that.

_"So I should turn myself in?"_

_"I think you need to talk to Sal."_

_"He's not a defense lawyer."_

_"But he may be able to help you work through this. I want to help you baby girl. You know that I do...I just think that you really need to talk to your lawyer."_

_"This is bad...like really bad Pa. It wasn't my first offense."_

_"The courthouse was expunged. You were a minor."_

_"No Pa...I spent some time in jail...that summer too. And then again in Lima...remember?"_

_"Santana, we are going to work through this. Right now, I want you to talk to Salvatore and I want you to focus on your health."_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm not going to pretend that this is going to all be washed away because this is a very big deal but there is no way that you will be able to fight...if you don't take care of yourself. Okay, mija?"_

_"Thank you Padrino!"_

_"Kiss those babies for me okay?"_

* * *

I spent the full week after my surgery and the birth of Daniela, following doctors orders. Dr. J had gone back Lima and now I was being discharged on Saturday along with the baby. I was headed back to my old brownstone because with everything going on with me, Britt and I decided that it wasn't the best time to buy a house.

New York was the last place that I wanted to be.

Marco had been eerily quiet, no one had heard from him or had seen him since he left the hospital. I hadn't seen Sandra or anyone from the family since I woke up.

I already felt exiled.

Not even Q had come to see me and with Ari back in school and her brother in town, she was calling when she could. Even Britt was pretty busy with her show which had just been re-billed and was being shopped around in a different theater. Britt had been by only a few times this week and was sleeping at home during the nights.

It was Friday night when things began to change.

I was curled up on my side staring out of the window when I felt a presence behind me. I knew his presence about all others.

He stood just behind me and then lightly laid a hand on my hip.

_"I know that you're awake."_ he said.

_"Yea?"_ It was all that I could manage to say.

_"So you told people?"_

_"Yes, how did you know?"_

_"The wall have ears."_

_"Why doesn't that surprise me?"_

_"Are you going to turn yourself in?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I can't let you do that."_ he said as he yanked on my hip. My stitches were still healing and so that caused me to jolt straight up in pain. I was on my feet on the other side of the bed as I looked up at my ex-husband for the first time since May.

_"Why?"_ I was trying to remain calm as his onyx eyes flashed with a hint of regret.

_"I can't go back to jail."_

_"What? You didn't do anything."_

_"I did."_

_"I don't understand."_ I said as I crossed my arms over my chest, trying as hard as I could to intimidate him.

_"If this goes before a court...I will end up back in jail. I can't risk that...so how about I just drop all this and disappear."_

_"I'm not making anymore deals with you Marco."_

* * *

He was angry as he clenched his fists to his sides. I stared at his hands for a long time before looking back up into his eyes. He wasn't moving. He wasn't trying to hurt me. It was a strange feeling. I had something that he wanted and he was going to try and play nice until he had my word.

Tough shit.

Someone lost their life and he wanted to make deals.

I preferred the abuse to this silence. It seemed more dangerous somehow.

_"I know the law better than you ever will Santana. I can get you locked up for the rest of your life but I'm not going to do that. This game between us has gone on long enough don't you think?"_

_"It should have never began...you started this shit. Papi wanted you to distract me from Ari...be my friend...my crush. He didn't expect you to get me pregnant at 13 or to beat the shit out of me...or to prostitute me. You did all of this Marco. I would have followed you to the moon as a kid. I never wanted to play this game. I just wanted to be a kid. I just wanted to be happy and to feel loved. You took that and you twisted and warped it so bad that I am so fucked up now. I have created issues in my marriage, with my kids, my family. Don't you see that you playing games with my life has only been fun for you? I'm so tired of you and all your bullshit Marco."_

_"So you never loved me?" _His whole face dropped and suddenly he looked like a scared little boy. You have got to be fucking kidding me!

_"No. I have never loved you...not the way that you wanted me to! Ever!"_

I expected him to lunge so when he reached across the bed, I flinched. He stood straight and looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time.

_"I'm sorry, Santana."_

_"Too little, too late."_ I said as I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. I was freaking out inside but I couldn't let him see that. I couldn't let him see me broken and bloodied ever again.

_"It was me."_

_"What?" _

_"I saw you mixing the coke and told Mr. Evans. He left and then I saw Dani...sweet girl. I fucked her when you went on stage and then when she told me that I had taken her virginity...that she was only sixteen, I panicked. I convinced her to snort the coke. When she was dead...lying there bleeding from her nose...her ears...her mouth...I cleared all traces of me and I left."_

_"Oh God." _I leaned forward and held onto the mattress as the tears trickled down my face. His hand came down lightly on my shoulder and I shrugged it away.

_"I love you Ana, I can't let you take the fall for me." _he had started to walk away and I almost let him. I lifted my head and looked at his retreating form.

_"The baby isn't yours Marco."_

_"I know...I saw her. She's beautiful." _He said as he stood there facing the door. My heart raced...he had seen my baby, just like that. _"If she had been would you have let me see her?"_

I hesitated for a long time as I thought about how my life would have become had Daniela had been his daughter.

_"No." _I finally whispered.

He turned around and looked at me with sad eyes.

_"I'm sorry Santana...I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me."_

_"Don't hold your breath." _I said as he left the room.

This changed everything..

I had this new feeling that surrounded me, that touched my soul and I hoped that it never left me.


	30. Chapter 30:Love Love Love

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews and adds! I appreciate it! Keep reading and reviewing and please tell me what you think about what I did here.**

* * *

**Chapter 30: Love Love Love (Of Monsters and Men)**

* * *

**_This changed everything._**

**_I had this new feeling that surrounded me, that touched my soul and I hoped that it never left me._**

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

I remember the first moment that I met her.

We were in a room full of people just like we are now.

What most people don't see about Brittany is that she is insanely sarcastic, that when she is in the right state of mind she can be cruel and kind.

She is meant to be dominating but most people see her hair, her personality and they just assume she can be walked all over. When you walk all over Britt then she rebels. I always understood this about her.

I accepted her for who she truly was and not what I wanted her to be.

In a room full of people I would crawl across glass for Brittany, if that's what she asked me to do. She knew what I needed and I allowed her to direct my path for awhile. Maybe in some other life we would have stayed together but truthfully she got so power hungry, so thirsty for my admiration that it tainted her.

* * *

Mikey came to me a week after Halloween telling me that I had a new dancer to train for the tour and that she would be in town soon so that I could see what made her so special.

I knew that he was recruiting from all over the world and so I was hoping that this one was at least humble enough to not try and take over. I had no time for power struggles.

We had a strict deadline and I wasn't going to let anyone fuck that up for me.

Dance is my life.

It's the only constant.

* * *

Each choreographer had a group of six dancers. Five of mine were men and then was one open spot.

So this girl would fill the void.

I would have to build the performance around her and Madonna or switch out a guy for another woman. It all depended on how good the girl was.

Mikey seemed pretty confident about it so I was doing my best to respect him, after all he had hired me and I was a long shot in other people's eyes.

I would give this woman a shot.

I just hoped that she didn't waste my time.

* * *

When I showed up on the first day in SoHo, I had seen a girl in a hoodie hanging outside the building sucking down a huge cup of Starbucks and tapping away on the phone. I thought she was maybe meeting someone...or was skipping school. I definitely didn't assume she was a dancer.

I forgot about her immediately not knowing that she was there for me.

I have always been told that I can be incredibly self absorbed. This is just one of the many times that I tend to drift through life oblivious of other people.

Once I was in the state of mind to dance, then nothing could distract me. We were staying in a swanky place that was giving us free reign of their conference rooms for the three months that we would be there.

My plane in from Miami had just landed and I wasn't used to the drastic November cold yet. So I practically ran into the hotel and I checked in my room. Since I was a head choreographer I had a suite to myself and was looking forward to soaking in my tub but I had to work before I played.

Pop raised me with a tough work ethic despite the fact that he was a crook. I used to think that he kidnapped me since he was all dark hair and dark eyes and I was a redheaded girl with freckles. It was the coloring and the strong nose that told me that I was definitely his. He wanted me to dance because he says that my mother was a dancer before she died, a ballerina from somewhere in Europe.

He always told me that you have to work hard and earn your play, that lazy people were never successful.

It was the most useful thing that he taught me.

* * *

When I opened the door to my groups dance space, I was happy to see that the guys had been listening and did what I had requested. I had memoed all the dancers in my group earlier in the day and told them that I wanted them all in beaters and sweats.

I wanted them loose and ready to work harder than they had ever worked before.

After my quick glance around the room and a curt nod, I scanned the room and saw that she wasn't there yet. I tried not to be annoyed. I had to stay calm. She still had three minutes before I fired her.

I had done that before...more than once.

Mikey said that I was starting to develop a reputation. He liked it but dancers hated it. It was only his opinion that I cared about so I wasn't going to bother changing.

* * *

I headed to my area and immediately hit the stereo so that an old Hector Lavoe song was playing. I began to Salsa without even looking around me. I kept my head down and moved to the music seamlessly.

I had been dancing since I was two and living in Buenos Aires. I lived in every country in South America by the time I was ten. Pop always said that we were explorers. So I had to go were the action was, so I was fluent in Spanish, English, Portuguese and Italian before I could write. I idolized my father.

So it broke my heart when he died. I built a fortress around myself when I watched the life drain from his body. It was until that day that he was bleeding to death that I learned that since I was two my father had been on the run.

He was an international fugitive, unfortunately I didn't learn that until he was gunned down, as he waited for me to get out of school in Panama when I was twelve.

I will never forget watching his body shake as it was riddled with bullets before he slumped down a tree leaving blood smearing down the trunk.

I ran immediately to him and he told me in broken words how he was running and how I should run. That they would try to kill me too. So I used my impeccable English to make my way to America.

Because I spoke such good English I was able to pretend that I was a lost tourist and some sweet American family let me ride across the border with them. They dropped me off in front of a house I said was mine and happily sped away.

From there I pretty much drifted, living on the streets. I danced to the music in my head on the street corners for dollars and change. I met a woman who was in San Diego on vacation, she was the headmaster of a school in Miami. She flew me out there to audition. Getting into that performing arts boarding school on a scholarship at thirteen was a Godsend.

I still visited Senora Espinosa, my mentor and friend, when I had time off between gigs. She offered herself and her family as home base for me and had taken on the role of mother whenever I needed.

I was always a loner and didn't really trust authority or their rules. I had never settled for what I was supposed to be doing. Even with my home base in Miami, I had the spirit of a drifter and so I ended up on Broadway two days after high school graduation. Senora Espinosa supported my dreams and promised me that she and the family would always be there no matter what.

It felt good to have a place to think of as _"home"._

* * *

I worked hard on every show that I got hired on and and stayed on Broadway until I got hired to choreograph for a tour by Mikey. He fell in love with me while I was working on Hairspray and practically accosted me after the show one night. I had become known in the dance world and before I knew it I had landed a gig working for Beyonce and then Madonna.

My name became synonymous with perfection and also carried a little intimidation.

So when I walked into a room people usually feared me and gave me a wide berth. I expected it after a while. I knew my worth. I was not to be fucked with obviously.

It was my unwritten rule.

* * *

She didn't understand that though because as I quickly found out B never really followed rules either. She knew her own worth and wasn't backing down no matter who the hell I was.

_"You're doing it wrong."_

Can you believe her?

Those were her first words she said to me.

I felt the room go silent after she uttered those words because Brittany also never really cared about who could hear her or what they thought about it.

I turned on my heels, ready to cut her down when I was met with a set of blue eyes like none other and I had seen plenty. My words dried up in my throat and I just looked into her eyes. She had a smile on her face but I could tell that she was completely serious.

_"And how would you know that gringa?"_ I smiled and she continued to smile back.

_"I may be a gringa, but I know what I'm talking about and what you are doing is the wrong step."_ She said confidently as she crossed her arms over her chest.

_"Oh yea?"_

_"Um...yea! I just said that."_

Was she fucking kidding? I later learned that this action came from Santana.

_"And how does a little white girl like you, know that?"_

_"Because my girlfriend is Puerto Rican and she taught me. Her whole family dances and none of them do that step and they're all Puerto Rican."_

I looked at her wide eyed and then took in the word she had used.

**_Girlfriend._**

* * *

_"Do you think that you can do it better?"_ I said as I stepped closer bringing my face close to hers. I hadn't expected her to be taller than me but she had me by almost five inches. I looked at her and glared and she chuckled.

_"I know I can."_ she said with a huge shit eating grin.

I rolled my eyes, but was secretly intimidated because she seemed to know what she was taking about. I had learned Salsa from white people and so of course they never corrected me.

_"Why don't you come back to my room and show me after class?" _

_"Ok."_ she said before happily flouncing off to stretch against a wall.

I didn't scare her and it was a huge turn on.

* * *

That morning I had used my frustration to throw everything I had at the six dancers and she delivered each and every time. She was an amazing She had indeed shown me my misstep an after trying to argue her I broke when she pulled up YouTube and showed me.

Then she grabbed my hips forcefully and danced with me until I had perfected the step.

From that moment on Britt and I were attached at the hip.

I wanted her badly.

Even though she talked about her girlfriend endlessly.

It didn't take long for me to get under her skin and into her pants.

Brittany had me bent over and screaming her name like a little bitch within a span of ten minutes.

A few drinks and an empty hotel room and I was submitting to her dominance like it was the norm for me. She seemed to know me in and out. She knew what I needed, what I wanted and she wasn't about to back down from that.

I was hooked.

* * *

I wanted Brittany to be mine with a ferocity that I usually only reserved for dance.

So I began courting her, I had been saving all of my money since I was eighteen and so I was able to take her everywhere her heart desired while she was in the city.

When we weren't rehearsing we were going at it like rabbits and she was doing things to my body that I had never experienced. She seemed to get more rough the longer that we had sex. I got a kick out of submitting to her and she seemed to love being able to control our interactions.

But she wasn't making plans to be just with me.

She kept telling me about how much she loved her girlfriend and how they were going to move to the city together. How she wanted to marry her. She told me everything about Santana and all the problems that they were having.

I was so jealous that I couldn't be the one in her life, exclusively but I took the scraps that she gave me and I did everything that I could to ease her fears and even told her that I was willing to back away but she didn't want that.

She liked what we had.

Even if it contradicted everything that was coming out of her mouth.

* * *

By the time she was back in Lima we were texting back and forth all day long.

We were sappy and sweet.

It was the nicest that she ever was to me with the exception of when she wanted to have phone sex. You could never imagine a girl that looks like her being that way but she was. I felt so sick in the head for enjoying it but it was love, or so I thought, so I was willing to do whatever she wanted.

Even if it hurt.

I told her that I loved her first and it was the first time that I had said it to anyone since my father died. I knew she had her life back at home but I didn't care. I was in my own head. I accepted that my love wouldn't be returned so it was easy to fill that with people less important.

I was fucking girls all over New York because I knew that I could without consequence, she had Santana after all.

But then...then she fucked it up and told me that she loved me back.

So from that moment on I knew that I would fight to keep her.

I would fight to be in her life because she loved me.

* * *

When Britt came to see me that following March, I thought that it was to finally be with me because she made love to me over and over again while quietly apologizing. She didn't think that I heard her as she softly worked my body over. It was the gentlest it had ever been and subconsciously I knew that it had been a goodbye but I wasn't allowing myself to believe it.

She kissed me just like normal afterwards just before jumping in the shower and it gave me hope.

Of course that hope was short lived, when I walked her to the lobby she told me why she had come to me.

My years of hard living had helped me to cover my shock but I'm sure that she could see behind it when she looked into my eyes and smiled sadly.

_"I'm getting married today."_ Of course, she didn't wait for a response. She just turned and ran from the hotel not wanting me to see her cry...I think.

I ended up in my room that night drinking and smoking into oblivion until I passed out.

I almost died of alcohol poisoning that night or so I was told since I don't remember much.

Mikey found me laying on the hotel room floor in a pool of my own vomit after I had ignored his calls.

Something that I never did.

I had tried to break it off after that but she kept texting me. Even after telling me that she got married and telling me in the first few messages that she was happy.

She kept sending me memos of herself crying in the bathroom because she loved me so much.

Every one of those messages that I heard broke my heart more and more.

I needed to break away.

I just didn't know how.

* * *

I didn't want to sleep with Brittany again that May when I was in Lima with Mikey, while he was visiting Sue. I contacted her to see if I could convince her to stop. It took a lot of courage and talks with Senora Espinosa to get me to the point where I realized that I just wanted the messages and craziness to stop.

I tried telling her over text but she hadn't been getting the point of what I was saying.

I didn't tell her that I was coming until I was already there.

I had planned to go straight to Santana to talk but Britt stopped me. She showed up at my hotel and convinced me to hang out. I was distracted by her drinking and smoking with me. After we were both blitzed, she fucked me so hard that that I was bleeding the next morning. I didn't feel love like I had before but I had fallen into my role easily.

I was so ashamed of myself.

She was slowly breaking me apart and didn't seem to care.

* * *

Britt had never shown me pictures of her wife before so when I saw her for the first time I was floored. Santana was a fucking knock out. I would never cheat on her and then hearing her talk to me, I felt so bad for what I had just done the night before.

I tried my best to be honest with her.

Then she was honest back and I could tell that she felt so stuck in it all.

Then I let her fuck me.

I'm a glutton for punishment obviously.

My heart was breaking because I could tell how desperate she was when she was on top of me. She broke down walls in me that I didn't know I had, she showed me what I hadn't been seeing about Brittany.

I could see that this was a different woman.

She submitted naturally to Santana and loved her with all that she had.

I didn't belong in this equation.

Everything was suddenly clear to me and it hurt.

Santana opened my eyes more than she could have ever known.

* * *

When I left that night, I was so sore from the both of them having their way with me and cried the whole way back to the city. I felt so dirty and so used.

How had I gotten so wrapped up in all of the nonsense?

After that I got my number changed and requested a transfer to another tour, which is almost unheard of but I had the balls to do it. I knew that they had plans to move to the city at some point that summer and I couldn't handle that, it was just too fucking close for comfort.

I needed to be as far away as possible. I nearly kissed Mikey when he told me that he had found me a tour gig. I was ecstatic when I ended up in California before they even graduated.

There is no way to describe just how happy I was now. I had been enjoying the sun and dancing everyday.

Fate had also decided to cut me a break because I had met someone who had stole my heart and showed me true love just when I needed it. Siobhan found me in a bar hunched over a bottle of scotch after last call and took a chance on me.

As if she had known me forever, she took me back to her place and let me sleep it off on her couch. She told me that she could tell that I needed help and so even with her being who she was, a WNBA start, she took a chance on me.

My luck was starting to turn and I was grateful.

I even woke up to coffee and breakfast.

We had never met before but I found all of my defenses pointless in front of her and told her the whole sordid mess that I found myself wrapped up in.

She held me tight that night like I had needed to be held for over ten years and almost overnight I knew that she was showing me what real love was.

I could see that what I had with Brittany was completely unhealthy.

Siobhan had saved me.

It wasn't until I was truly in love that I realized what a mind fuck being with Britt was for me.

I had been infatuated, borderline obsessed with her.

I did truly love her but I wasn't in love with her and because it was a first for me, it had been hard to tell the difference.

* * *

I heard from B on and off all summer long. She seemed a little unhinged. I hadn't known about her being sick or anything. I knew she had to take medication but she had always downplayed her pills. Almost like they were a some time thing like aspirin. I never questioned her on it.

Things with Siobhan were getting pretty serious by the time that Santana called me at the end of August to tell me that I would probably hear from Brittany soon and that she may try something with me. It was like finding out that the boogeyman does indeed live in your closet. I was spooked.

Brittany had the ability to break down everything that I had worked so hard on. Everything that I had done to undo the damage that she had done in my life.

I hadn't expected Britt to force herself on me.

It was eye opening. I had wondered if maybe I was in love with her but when we were there in the car and she lunged at me, I felt sick to my stomach.

The feelings of euphoria and submission that I had felt previously were no longer there. Now all I wanted to do was to get as far away from Britt as humanly possible.

It hurt me to know that while her wife was somewhere grieving, Brittany was trying to screw me instead of comforting her wife. I couldn't let her draw me back into her web again. I was finally in a good place.

I felt like such a bead person as I sat hunched over a bar again. I was so sick about everything. I tried to avoid Siobhan finding out about what had happened but she found me before the night was over. Just like always she brought me back home and nursed me back to health.

She never asked about what happened but she definitely knew that something had happened between me and Brittany.

I wanted to tell Santana myself but I changed my mind at the last second and Siobhan agreed. Brittany needed to be honest with her wife and I should allow her the opportunity to do so.

I just wanted her to let me be.

I ended up calling a few friends in New York and asked them to find Brittany an audition and I told them that I needed her to be taken good care of. I needed them to find her something that would keep her occupied in the city for awhile. Long enough that I could get my life together without her interfering.

I never thought that decision would come back to haunt me.

But Brittany has never been one to follow rules.

* * *

Siobhan and I had just gotten back from the beach and were in our bedroom stripping down so we could take a bath together. It was what we did on Sunday nights.

It was our quiet time.

My favorite time of the week.

But then the phone rang and changed that.

_"Babe can you grab my phone?"_ I called out from the bathroom as I filled up the tub with bubbles.

_"It's...um...Frankie...babe it's Brittany."_

I froze.

Why now?

I was about to tell my wife to not answer the phone but she came waltzing into the bathroom naked with the phone pressed to her ear. I watched as she smiled against the phone and winked at me.

_"Sure Brittany, I'm glad that everything is better with you and Santana."_

Siobhan pulled me up by the hand and gave me the phone before whispering softly against my ear.

_"Go talk to her. I trust you, okay. Always. Join me when you're done. Okay?"_ she patted my naked ass and then chuckled as she climbed into the tub.

I stood there watching my wife as I pressed the phone to my temple.

I was speechless.

_"Hey Britt"_ I said calmly.

Siobhan wrinkled her forehead and then waved me towards the door.

She wanted no part in any drama and I didn't blame her.

* * *

I nodded and walked out into our bedroom. I was so frustrated as I laid back across the bed with my arm thrown across my face.

_"I need you"_ she said shyly.

_"I though we were done with this Brittany."_

_"Can you come to New York?"_ she asked, as usual she was only hearing what she wanted and ignored what I had said.

_"Did you not hear me? I'm done having sex with you Brittany."_ I sighed and bit hard on the flesh above my elbow.

_"I heard you but that's not why I'm calling you. This is about the show. I need to cast a female lead and I need your professional opinion. We are friends, right?" _

_"Um...yea...and that's all right, just my opinion?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And Santana is okay with that?"_

_"She's fine. She knows that we aren't sleeping with each other anymore. So can you come here or not?"_

_"When?"_

_"For the weekend."_

_"It's Thursday Brittany. You couldn't have maybe called sooner?"_

_"I've been busy. Please, I'll owe you one?"_ she pleaded.

_"Okay, fine! I'll do it."_ I sighed again in defeat.

_"Sweet! Thank you so much!"_

_"Text me the time and place and I'll be there."_

She still had a hold over me...but this time I was bringing back up.


	31. Chapter 31:Can't Let Go

**A/N: Dearest readers...I urge you to give the chapter songs a shot when you have a question...most times they can actually explain the chapter better than I can. This is all going somewhere and Frankie's involvement is there show you the progression that Britt has made from being super off kilter. Thank you for the reads and reviews! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 31:Can't Let Go (Anthony Hamilton)**

* * *

**_She still had a hold over me...but this time I was bringing back up._**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

No amount of holy water or prayers will ever erase the fact that I tried to kill my wife. There is nothing that anyone can say to me that will make me forget that I nearly killed my unborn daughter.

I will never pretend to be perfect and calling Frankie after everything is truly a testament to that.

I shouldn't have done it before speaking to Ana.

But I did.

Things would be okay though, so I hoped. Tony had advised against it but after three days in a row of bittersweet auditions, I still hadn't found the star of our show. We kept getting amazing singers but awful dancers or amazing dancers that were tone deaf. I was at a loss and needed someone to help me with this process.

At first I was going to call Rachel Berry but that thought quickly left me when I thought about the damage that she could inflict on a production. She was so amazing that she wasn't humble and I needed that humility.

No divas.

That was my first priority.

* * *

The moment that I hung up with Frankie on Thursday morning, I got pulled into a day full of auditions. By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dragging because I ended up on the stage a few times. I was really hoping that Frankie could help even though I had the feeling that I should have talked to my wife.

I still had time.

When I got back to our house, Quinn was in the middle of a shouting fest with none other than Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel. It was like walking into the twilight zone. I dropped my bag loudly in the foyer and then kicked the door closed with my foot. The arguing stopped and I was met by three pairs of angry eyes.

I put on my biggest smile despite my exhaustion as I tossed my purse onto the couch and strode into the kitchen for a long anticipated bottle of water.

Eventually, I acknowledged them.

I walked back into the living room and plopped down on the couch and looked at the three ex-glee members.

_"What's up guys?"_ I asked nonchalantly as I sipped my water.

Rachel went to speak but Quinn held her hand up and then turned towards me.

_"What are you doing home Britt?"_

_"I live here Quinn...what are they doing here?"_ I asked seriously.

_"We were...I asked Kurt over because he and I are in the same dramatic arts class...we got assigned as partners for the semester. He brought Rachel and I was asking her to leave."_ Quinn said as she glared at her ex-girlfriend.

_"And I don't see why she is putting up such a big fuss!"_ Rachel said as she stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest. I looked at Kurt and he was packing his things.

_"Well Rach, I think that Kurt is making that decision for the both of you. I don't appreciate you thinking that it would be okay for you to come here."_ I said as I stood to my feet and walked towards the door so that I could personally show them out.

Something about her being here just didn't sit right with me.

They both looked back at Quinn but didn't move towards the now open door.

_"Call me later Kurt."_ Quinn said quietly as she began to walk towards me.

Now we were both standing by the door.

Kurt nodded and grabbed Rachel's hand and they made their way towards the door.

And then her intentions became clearer to me.

_"So Brittany...I hear that you are head of casting for the formerly titled Misfits...I was wondering if-"_ she began but I turned abruptly away from her and made my way up the stairs.

_"Not interested!"_ I said as I brushed past her.

I didn't even turn around to see what expression she was making because I was pretty sure that I already knew.

* * *

I was incredibly tired but I wanted to talk to Ana before Frankie showed up. I couldn't let this become something big. So I laid across my bed and dialed the hospital since Ana had insisted that she didn't want her cell phone so that she could sleep the last few days that she was there.

_"Yes?"_ she sounded tired and annoyed.

_"Hey babe...I just got home. Are you okay?"_

_"No."_ she said harshly.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"My mom is getting married." _

_"Oh that's great news!"_ I said happily.

_"No...it's not great news! She is marrying my godfather! It's just...strange."_ she said sounding like a jealous five year old.

_"You love Hector! Who better than him?"_

_"It's just...I killed someone Britt and right now isn't the best time."_

_"Have you talked to him since last week?"_

_"No...I'm going to call him tomorrow, I can't talk to him with the way that I feel right now, B. Mami says that he doesn't know that I know so I can't say anything. He wants to tell me in person."_

_"That's nice of him."_

_"Yea...well...I don't think so."_

_"Do you want me to come tonight?"_

_"No...it's fine. I'm tired and want to just sleep right now and so you being here only to leave early tomorrow morning isn't going to do anything but make me angrier and I don't want to take it out on you."_

_"Oh...okay. Well tomorrow is Friday...so you get to find out whether you can be discharged on Saturday with Dani."_

_"Yea...I'm nervous."_

_"Why?"_

_"Several reasons...I haven't been out of this hospital in almost five months...I will have to take care of a newborn for the first time...I've never done that before and...it will be the first time since forever that you and I will be living under our own roof together with our kids. I'm scared."_

_"I'm so proud of you for admitting that to me."_

_"I don't want anymore lies in between us."_

_"Oh...right...no lies!"_ I said nervously. My skin was suddenly hot and clammy as I buried my face in the pillow.

_"What aren't you saying, Britt?"_

_"I um...I love you Ana and I only want to be with you."_ I said as I lifted my head and rested it on my hand.

_"I love you too Britt Britt. Tell me now please, because you are scaring me even more."_

_"So you know how I have been freaking out over these auditions?"_ I started slowly.

"Yes."

_"Well...I needed a little help...a second opinion other than Tony, you know...so I called Frankie and asked if she could come to the city for a few days. Just the weekend."_ I finally blurted out.

_"Oh..."_ she paused for a long time and I waited patiently.

* * *

In the span of the sixty seconds that she was silent, I braced myself for her to yell and scream at me. We had been through so much so this was kind of a big deal for the both of us.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity she spoke.

_"Thank you for telling me B. Just so you know, I'm okay with this. I trust you and I trust her. Ok?"_ she said softly.

_"Yes."_ I whispered.

_"Okay baby...I'm really wiped out so I'll see you tomorrow at some point right?"_

_"Yes, sweet dreams Ana."_

_"Of course, B. I love you."_

_"Always and only you babe."_ I said softly before I hung up.

And then all of a sudden I was a wreck as I covered my mouth with my hand and sobbed into the pillow. I was so overcome with her words ringing in my head.

**_I trust you...I trust you...I trust you...I trust you!_**

It was like water after crossing the desert.

God had answered one of my deepest prayers.

I wouldn't let Ana down.

* * *

It was super early on Friday morning. Quinn had classes all day, so I had Izzy all to myself. It had taken a lot of convincing but I got Sandra to get over herself enough to let me bring my son back home. She was still really mad at Ana, as was most of the family but that didn't mean that Sandra got to have a say over whether Izzy stayed with her or not.

He was my son too.

I promised her though, that I would make sure that once Ana was out of the hospital that I would make sure that she went to rehab and that she was good around the kids.

I knew that making the promise was almost pointless since I already knew that Ana intended to come out of the hospital being the best mom that she could be. I already knew that she was going to stay sober. I trusted her and now that she trusted me again I knew that we were good now.

She would be honest with me now.

We would make it through this.

My faith in us was pretty strong these days.

* * *

_"Mama...beso...peessseee!"_ Isaac mumbled against my face as I carried him down the hallway of the hospital.

I leaned my head closer to him and he planted a wet kiss on my cheek and then pulled back and looked at the trail of spit that was there.

He was so proud of himself.

I smiled at him and held up my hand.

_"You are getting better and better, high five Izzy!"_ I said as we turned the corner. He raised his chubby little hand and hit my palm and then laughed.

_"Five!"_ he squealed.

He was in a great mood and I was soaking up everything about it.

* * *

When I pushed open the door to Ana's room she was sitting in front of the window, cradling Dani in her arms. She had her head down and looked incredibly focused.

When I walked closer to her I was in awe and ended up just standing there almost dumbfounded.

She was breast feeding our daughter.

_"Ana?"_ I said as I came around to stand in front of her.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. She had wanted to breastfeed Izzy so badly but with a combination of the drugs in her system and a doctor telling her that she wasn't going to be able to with her implants she never got the opportunity.

_"Dr. Cabot...checked my boobs and she told me that I was clear to breastfeed if I could get Daniela to latch on...and so I just tried and she's doing it!"_

Ana's tears dripped down her face as she looked down at our daughter.

Dani looked up at her with her deep blue eyes and then closed her eyes and continued to eat happily.

_"That's so amazing baby."_ I said as I dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Izzy then leaned in and kissed her cheek. I pulled up a chair so that I was across from my wife and sat Izzy on my lap before pulling his fluffy red car from my pocket.

_"Car!"_ He squealed and then smiled as he began to chew on it.

I was in awe of my wife as she brushed a finger over Dani's face.

This was how I knew that Ana was done with her old life. There was no way that she could go back to the drugs after being able to bond with the baby in this way.

She loved her kids more than the drugs and that was what Sandra seemed to not understand.

And I was the slow one.

Go figure.

* * *

Once Dani was fed and burped, I took her back to the nursery because Ana was exhausted and because I knew that she wanted some alone time with Izzy. After dropping off the baby, I detoured into one of the lounges and called up Tony.

_"Hey BB!"_ he said all chipper like.

_"Hey Tony...what does the audition schedule look like?"_

_"We have twenty girls showing up at twelve. So I hope that you make it on time! Your girl Frankie is already here."_

_"She is?"_

_"Yea...she's down in the studio working out some dance moves. She's pretty amazing...I can see why you choose her of all people to have an affair with."_

_"Um...that's a strange thing to say."_

_"Sorry. Your wife knows she's here right? You didn't lie about it did you?" _he was already scolding me.

_"Yes...I told her and she is okay with it."_

_"Good! We are definitely learning, now if you could just be on time for once!"_

_"I'll be there as soon as I can. I have to drop Izzy off with my sister in law in Westchester. Then I'll be in. Okay?"_

_"Just don't keep us waiting too long, B. Both of our jobs are relying on this!"_

* * *

I pushed the door open to the room and saw that Ana was holding Izzy on her chest and he was fast asleep. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was just after nine...I had an hour before I needed to leave and I really needed to find out what the deal was with Ana's discharge so that I could have everything at home ready for her.

I was about to turn around and track down the doctor when she called out to me. I looked over at her and saw that her brow was creased. She was concerned.

I walked over and leaned against the bed. I was so tired.

She looked up at me and then linked her pinky with mine.

_"Are you upset with me because of what I did?"_

_"No Ana."_ I said as I looked into her eyes.

_"I really...really regret it all. I want to turn myself in."_

_"What do you mean?" _

My heart started to race. She would go to jail for a really long time if she did that.

She was very solemn as she ran a hand over Izzy's back and then kissed his curly head. She was accepting her fate just like she was before the surgery. She was so unsure of what our future looked like and so she just wanted to enjoy the moment...but I needed her to be on the same page with me on this.

I needed to know what the future held or I would go crazy again.

_"Ana...please...talk to me?"_

She looked at me with hard eyes and then gave a small smile.

_"Someone died...because of what I did. I can't be a good mother to our kids or a good wife to you with this sitting on my conscience."_

_"Have you called Sal like Hector told you?"_

_"No...I don't want him involved in this."_

_"He's your lawyer Ana...we trust him."_

_"It's open and shut, B. I killed that girl...so the public defender is fine with me."_

_"Call Hector again, tell him that you still haven't talked to Sal."_

_"I am."_

_"Tell him about this."_

_"I will."_

_"And take his advice...promise me!" _I said as I brushed a stray hair from her forehead.

_"I promise that I will take his advice...even...even if I don't agree."_

_"Call me after...I will stop an audition if I need to...just make sure that you call me...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**_Hey B, my classes are done for the day. I'm home if you just want to bring Izzy here, I'll watch him.-Q_**

I was sitting beside the bed as Ana bundled up our son, it was ten after ten and I was going to be late if I didn't leave in the next three minutes. So when Quinn texted me, I broke out into a wide grin.

**_Thnk U so fkng much! Sndra is jst hrdr n hrdr to deal with. B there soon!-Britt_**

_"Who's that?"_ Ana asked trying to sound uninterested.

_"Quinn. She is home and offered to watch Izzy while I go to work." _I said as I looked at her with a wide smile.

_"Oh...that's awesome! So now you won't be late to work." _she relaxed a bit as she straightened out Izzy's hat.

_"Yep...now I will have time to talk to your doctor about when you can leave."_

_"Can you find out now?" _I could tell that she was anxious.

_"Sure thing babe."_

* * *

_"Thank you so much for this Q! I know you have school stuff...I really appreciate this!"_

_"I owe you after what you walked in on yesterday."_

_"Are you sleeping with her again?"_

_"No. That was a drunken mistake."_

_"Yea...we've been there." _I said as I peeled Izzy's jacket off and tossed it onto the glider. He was still asleep so I as trying to be as gentle as possible. He was a heavy sleeper but he was also really cranky if you woke him up so I was trying to make things a little easier on Quinn since she looked so tired.

_"Yea...we have." _she said as she lingered in the doorway.

_"So...Saturday morning or afternoon, Ana and Dani will be coming home together." _I said as I pulled off more of Izzy's stuff. He started whining and so I leaned in and kissed his face and whispered the Elmo song to him. He smiled in his sleep and then got quiet again._ "Works every time." _I chuckled as I continued to undress him.

_"I'm sure she's happy."_

_"Yea...for the most part." _I tucked Izzy in his crib and kissed his face a dozen time before closing the latches of the crib.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Well...everyone has been staying away from her and I think it's really bugging her."_

_"I don't mean to be that way...I just...school started this week and I-" _I held up my hand and shook my head.

_"Don't. I think she is more worried about her sisters. She knows that you have been doing the best you can and with you sitting by her bed for months...I think she knows that you love her. The Lopez sisters though...they have been much less forgiving."_

_"Did Sandra tell them about the murder?"_

_"Not that I know of. Has Celia said anything to you about it?"_

Quinn looked at me for a long moment and then just shook her head. She picked up Izzy's discarded stuff and began to put it all away. She wasn't saying something and unlike Ana, I didn't like to wait people out. I wanted to clear the air just in case there was something that I could do to help.

_"She is um...in Texas...visiting her mom...I haven't heard from her in a few days."_

_"Oh."_

_"I think she's going to actually do it, B." _

_"Yea?"_

She turned around and looked at me as she held Izzy's wool hat in her hands.

_"I shouldn't have pushed her. What if this goes badly and she blames it on me?"_

_"She needed this. It was bound to come out at some point. Especially with everyone that knows. It is better for her to do it than anyone else."_

_"Yea...you're right."_

* * *

It was five minutes after twelve when I finally strode into work. Tony was waiting in my office for me with a scowl on his face. I tried to be chipper but I was just too exhausted to try, besides, he would have seen right through me.

_"You're late."_

_"I know...I'm sorry."_

_"The other directors are late too...luckily."_

_"Sweet! This won't happen again. I'm sorry Tony!" _I said as I flung myself into his arms.

I heard the toilet flush in my bathroom and my head snapped towards the door. I looked at Tony and he just headed to the doorway.

_"Be on stage in ten. Got it?"_ He said as he leaned halfway out the door.

_"Yea."_ I said distractedly as I looked towards the bathroom door.

* * *

There are no words for the anticipation that I felt as the door slowly opened. There are also no words to express my shock when I saw Frankie walk out of the bathroom with a little belly sticking out.

_"Wow...you...you're preg-pregnant."_ I said as I looked at her smiling face.

_"Hi to you too B."_ she said as she pulled at her shirt self-consciously.

_"Wow."_ I kept saying.

_"Um...okay."_ she said as she sat down on the sofa and looked up at me.

_"You look beautiful."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Can...do you think...can I have a hug?"_ I said as I opened my arms to her.

_"Tell me...does Santana really know that I'm here?"_

_"Yes."_ I whispered.

_"Promise me."_ She said as she stood back on her feet.

_"I swear to you that Ana knows and she is okay with it!"_ I said as she came closer to me.

She nodded and slid into my arms. She hugged me tightly and I then tried to pull away but I didn't let go.

_"Wait...I need to say something."_ I whispered.

_"Okay."_ she held onto me and waited.

_"I'm so sorry for everything that I did to you Frankie. I am so happy for you and Siobhan. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday." _

She hugged me tighter after I finished speaking and I heard her shudder against my shoulder.

_"Thank you."_ she whispered before stepping back from me and looking up into my face.

_"I mean it."_ I said as I shoved my dangling, sweaty hands into my pockets.

_"I forgave you a long time ago Brittany. Thanks to Siobhan and Santana. I really appreciate hearing that though, it makes being here so much easier."_

_"I'm so glad that you came."_ I said as nodded towards the door. I figured that it would be a good time to occupy ourselves with the real purpose of her visit. I'm still human. I don't want that temptation.

_"So it's that bad?"_

_"It's terrible."_ I said as I led the way to the stage. I could hear Tony playing with the speakers and grumbling to himself. He really hated electronics and had actually shocked himself a few times now.

_"Fuck!"_ I heard him yell as we entered the stage.

_"Here let me give it a shot."_ I bit my lip when I saw that Siobhan was now kneeling next to the speaker and hooking it up. I looked over at Frankie and she flushed red.

_"You brought back up?"_ I whispered as we looked on from a few feet away. I was feeling a little ashamed of the fact that she felt it was necessary to bring a chaperone.

_"Yes. I'm glad I didn't need to involve her but I would have."_

_"I understand."_ I said as I shrugged my shoulders and nodded.

I couldn't let it get to me.

It was understandable.

I had really messed up in the past and it was easy for me to fly off the handle, I had used Frankie so much and if she needed that extra sense of security, especially in her condition, then I was definitely not mad about it.

* * *

_"So what did you think?"_ I asked as me Frankie, Siobhan, and Tony walked back to my house to have dinner. Siobhan and Tony were hanging back and letting me and Frankie talk.

_"You need some fresh blood. Have you tried the colleges? I mean we got you out of high school. This show could use some fresh blood. I mean do you know any hot, young dancers that can sing?"_

Immediately a face popped in my head.

Why hadn't I thought of this before?

_"Yeah...actually...I think that I do."_

_"Well call her. We have to cast this part or your show is going to get delayed again and with the names behind it...I really don't think its a good idea to do that."_

_"I will."_

_"Do I know her?"_

_"Yea...you might...she was there that day...um...Ana's friend...Ariana. She's on a full ride at NYU in their dance program."_

Frankie stopped in her tracks and grabbed my elbow. I looked down at her hand and then up to her excited face.

_"If she can sing...that girl...she was like really hot. If she can sing, B...then you have your girl. Ask her! Like call her now!" _Frankie looked so excited as she bounced on her heels.

* * *

_"Hey Britt."_ Ari said breathlessly into the phone.

_"Hey...do you have a minute?"_

_"Yea...I just got out of class. Jazz runs kill me!"_ she chuckled.

_"Do you sing?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Like how well?"_

_"I was in all-city choir in high school and I was the lead soloist...why?"_

_"Would you ever consider auditioning for Broadway."_

She hesitated but then laughed into the phone.

_"It's...it's my dream."_ she said seriously.

_"I want you to audition...for the lead in my show."_

I was met by complete silence and then I heard a sob through the phone.

_"Oh...my...are you serious right now Brittany?"_ she was shocked.

_"Yea. I really think that you would be perfect for the part but I need you to audition in front of my bosses and Tony. Can you come in tomorrow?"_

_"Uh...yea! God...yes! What time?"_

I looked at Frankie and she held up both thumbs and then I looked at Tony and he held up both hands.

_"Ten."_

_"I'll be there! Thank you so much for this! Wow!"_

_"Wear sweats, bring sneakers, toe shoes and tap shoes."_

_"Got it! Thank you! Wow!" _

_"See you tomorrow Ari."_

_"Yes! At ten! Thank you...bye!" _

I really hoped that she was on point tomorrow because if she was than my search was over! I looked at Frankie and she looked at me and then we lunged at each other and hugged so fiercely it hurt. I was so excited!

This time when we pulled away I didn't feel so awkward.

I knew that we could be friends now.

She was right...it made everything so much easier!


	32. Chapter 32:Don't Wake Me Up

**A/N: This is the penultimate chapter people! This is where the story picks up again. I calmed down a bit for those of you who said that everything was moving so fast. Now though I am about to do something that I haven't done in a chapter...like ever! Welcome to the multidimensional vision in my head...try and keep up okay? And I hope that I didn't confuse you all too much with the days of the last few chapters...Marco visited Ana on Friday night. Frankie's chapter takes place the day before on Thursday and Britt bridges that starting Thursday and going into Friday. I hope that clears it up! **

**It's Saturday now...just so you know! **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 32:Don't Wake Me Up (Chris Brown)**

* * *

**_She was right...it made everything so much easier!_**

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

I sat on the plane as it floated in the clouds above New York City, everything was made of steel and glass and it was much different than the sight I left in Texas.

Whenever I was in New York or Chicago, the reflections of the city always got me excited but when I saw Texas...any of it...I felt oppressed. As I sat there looking out the window, I realized that it had nothing to do with the skyscrapers but what rested beneath them.

It was in Chicago that I made my life with Amber James, a six foot tall, brunette with legs that went on for days. She made me weak in the knees with her Jamaican accent and the was she would wake me up with kisses on my eyelids. She was the perfect woman for me when I was in my early twenties, just out of the closet and cocky after graduating from Texas A&M, Summa Cum Laude. I was at the top of my class and as Mami put it, I was throwing it away by painting.

Amber and I were both runners and dreamers. We ran a few marathons every few years and even founded one for art students at the city colleges. We became known names in the gay and straight community in both the south side and north side of Chicago. We were successful and happy. She was my first love...my first EVERYTHING.

I thought after she cheated and broke my heart that I would never find love like hers again.

Little had I known just how right I was...

Instead I found something better!

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Saturday morning, I was awaken by my phone buzzing. I had a missed call from a number that I didn't recognize.

I checked the voice mail that followed and immediately regretted not answering the call.

_"Q, it's Noah and Beth. Say hi Beth...hi!"_ I swear my heart stopped when I heard my daughter. _"I'm calling because...well...I'm sure you heard that I'm getting married...or rather...I was getting married. Shelby called off the engagement...she's been cheating on me with some director. She got cast for a movie in LA. I'm suing her for full custody of Beth. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for not telling you about any of this. Every time...I see Beth smile...I see you Quinn...I really think that if I get this custody thing going that you should think about developing a relationship with our daughter. Give me a call whenever. Say bye Beth...BYEEEEEEEE!" _

It was insanely early but I was wide awake now.

It was like someone asked me what my deepest dream was and then said...here it is...here is your chance!

Hearing Beth was like a dream come true.

I was floating on a cloud!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The sun hadn't even risen yet but I was up with Daniela. I had asked the nurses to leave with me for night so that I could get used to getting up with her to feed her.

I spent the whole night waking up just to watch her breath in her little crib.

I felt so blessed to have her there with me.

So many things could have gone wrong and almost did. My heart had stopped beating and somehow I was here right now. I was right here with my little girl. Right where I needed to be.

I was staring at her when she opened her eyes.

Daniela was darker than Isaac. She was almost darker than me, which made her curly blonde hair and dark blue eyes stand out even more. She found my face and stared at me.

I picked her up before she even began to whine because I had been anxiously waiting for almost an hour. This was such a new experience for me and I was excited to do it. I was excited to form this bond with my daughter. A bond that I hadn't had the opportunity to build with my son. I knew that it didn't really do anything to distance Isaac from me but after seeing Sandra and Little Johnny, I had felt the pang of longing.

This was a blessing.

I sat in my bed looking down at her eyes while she ate and it made my heart feel so warm.

Who would have thought that I would be the one to be excited to breastfeed my child?

That I would even be excited to be a mother of two before I turned twenty?

I sure didn't.

This though, was the happiest that I had ever been.

Daniela was healing me and so I knew that when I was finally home and had both of she and Isaac, that I would be able to become that person that I wanted to be. I would never leave my children, I would love them everyday.

I would teach them love and laughter.

Now that I knew that I would be able to redeem myself for my past mistakes while still being in their lives. I knew that I would do anything and everything possible to make my children proud to call me their mother.

My heart felt so full!

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

Three days of self-imposed exile in upstate New York at an ashram with Johnny, helped me to realign my line of thinking and us to realign the strength of our marriage.

I was headed down the interstate with my mind focused on nothing but getting to where I need to be again. I had definitely lost myself and I was of the firm belief that the bitterness killed my baby. It was something that I was learning to accept.

I would never let myself put up walls that thick again.

My soul had been dark and murky but now I believe that I can conquer my fears and be the leader and confidante that my family needs. I will devote myself more deeply to my husband and my son.

I will not push Johnny away into another woman's arms.

If he ends up in her arms again it will be on his own and not because I made him uncomfortable in his own home. I looked over at him and was met with his green eyes looking at me. He was smiling.

From the moment that he met with the leaders and opened up about his fears in front of me before going silent for two days, he hadn't stopped smiling when he looked at me.

"I am so in love with you San. Thank you for allowing me to love you." he said as he kissed the side of my face. I broke into a soft smile and reached my hand out to clasp his.

"Thank you for loving me. No matter what happens back at home...know that I love you so very much!" I said as I put my hand back on the steering wheel.

This was the closest that we had ever been.

We never exchanged sappy pleasantries. It was just never our thing but now...the feeling between us was lighter and different all together.

But I was prepared for success or failure.

I was prepared to actually live instead of just existing.

And I would encourage my sisters to do the same.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The sun was starting to peek in the window of my bedroom as I held Izzy against me. He had his little thumb in his mouth which was such a big no-no. Ana would have a cow if she saw him but I thought it was cute. How could I deny him that extra bit of comfort?

He had such a tough road ahead of him in life with why should I deny him something that he only does in his sleep? I would let Ana deal with it. I'm sure she had some way to stop it.

I had a crazy day ahead of me with Ari's audition, Ana and Dani coming home, and then I was supposed to be meeting with some investors and my bosses afterwards. I was nervous but laying there when the sun was first coming alive, I allowed the peace of the morning to seep into my bones.

I had never been a nervous person, I wasn't going to start now.

My phone began to ring and I immediately jumped up to grab it.

It was Ari.

_"Hey, Ari."_

_"Hey B. Is it okay if my older brother comes with me...it's been kind of a long night and well...I need all the support that I can get."_

_"Is everything alright?"_

_"Um...Marco...broke into my dorm last night and tried to talk to me again. My brother is still in town and they got into a fight. Anyway, they both got taken into the station. Marco was drunk and confessed to that girls murder and even told them where to find the body. I just got in from the station."_

I sat straight up in bed.

This was very, very big news!

Oh. My. Goodness!

_"That's amazing. Ana is going to be so happy!"_ I mumbled.

Ari hesitated and then I remembered that no one knew what Marco had told Ana.

_"Is it true? Did he really do it?"_ Ari said suddenly sounding alert and a bit on edge.

_"Yes. He confessed to Ana last night...I guess right before he broke into your dorm. This changes everything."_

_"Wow. That's amazing."_

_"Now she gets a chance to start over."_

_"She deserves it."_

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

My flight got into La Guardia at around seven and I hailed a cab almost immediately.

I had plans for the day.

I needed to get things sorted out and fixed between me and Quinn.

Texas had been a big old waste of time and made me feel completely stupid for wasting so much time with Quinn. I had gotten down there and taken my mom and her husband out to dinner and before I we even ate appetizers, my mom put her hand up to silence me and told me flat out that she already knew why I was there.

She told me that she already knew that I was gay, that she had known for years and had been purposely trying to drag it out of me. Apparently, she set me up on dates with all these men because she wanted me to give in and just tell her. So this time she figured that she would just get it out of the way so that she could use her dinnertime more appropriately.

She never told me anything about agreeing or disagreeing, she simply said that I better find someone amazing and beautiful. When I told her that I already had, her face lit up and so I spent the rest of dinner telling her all about Quinn. Then she insisted that I show her pictures and when she saw what Quinn looked like she insisted that I fly her to New York so that she could meet her.

Luckily for me, Quinn and Sandra, I convinced her that we would set something up around Easter. Just so that Sandra could have time to be prepared for a tornado like my mother to come storming into New York and with my older sister going through something so hard and personal, I knew that the last person that she wanted around was our mother.

When I climbed in the cab, I asked him to take me straight to the city.

I hadn't talked to Quinn all week long and so I was just going to have him drop me off near the house and I would decide whether or not I would actually take the plunge and just show up.

It all depended on how she responded.

**_I'm in the city...can I see you?-Ceily_**

Now I was just waiting to see if she would answer.

I was putting my heart on the line for once.

For her, I was willing to do it until I fixed us.

She was the one for me.

I just hoped that I wasn't too late.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

******_I'm in the city...can I see you?-Ceily_**

I had just finished listening to the voice mail from Puck for the seventh consecutive time when I got the text message from Celia. My heart had begun to race and my palms were now sweaty. I was torn on how I should respond because I wasn't sure that I wanted to put my heart on the line again.

I mean what if she went all the way to Texas and still didn't tell her mom. She had admitted that she had done that a few times and so what made this time any different than the ones that preceded it?

This relationship had been breaking my heart over and over again for the last three months and I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue going through so much stress. She was always nervous and uncertain of us and I couldn't deal with it.

Yes...me...the same person who dated Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman, I just didn't want to deal with stupidity. After being with someone so self assured as Rachel Berry and being best friends with someone like Santana, I just couldn't tolerate being fucked with.

I wanted love, head over heels love.

I could hear Brittany moving around downstairs and wondered what she had planned for the day. It was a lazy Saturday and I knew that she was picking up San at some point, maybe I would tag along?

I looked at the text message and typed out a response. I stared down at it for a long time and then saved it and decided to torture myself further by looking through all the pictures of us on my phone.

Anyone could see the love that existed between us. What we had was real, I didn't doubt it for a second, but I needed more. I couldn't just be an option for her when she was one of my top priorities.

My heart had been through way too much.

Hearing Beth's little voice over the phone had definitely proved to me that my heart was still open and wasn't completely closed off.

There was so much hope in me today and Ceily would reap the benefits of that.

Lucky for her.

I deleted the rejection text that I had typed up and then pulled up a fresh screen.

**_Only come here, if you are ready to take what we have seriously. I will be here all day studying.-Lucy Q._**

I reread the message a few times just to make sure that it was clear.

I was satisfied.

Hopefully she would show up.

My heart was open for her to take, I hoped that the faith I was exhibiting was met with good news.

I could really use it.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was getting discharged two hours earlier than Daniela so Britt was coming to pick me up so that we could go to breakfast and talk. She said that she really needed to talk to me about something. So I walked the baby down to the nursery so that they could dress her and then I took a long shower.

As I stood under the water, I watched Ian's rosary graze across my scarred belly and smiled. I had gotten the staples taken out but the stitches were still in. I had been doing a lot of sponge baths so I was very excited to be able to clean myself properly. It felt good to be able to run my hands across the developing skin. I felt so proud of the scars that sat one above another.

I was so far from the Santana that I used to be. Cheerio Santana would freak out if she could see the scars and the stretch marks. I saw them as badges of honor.

It had been a struggle to carry both of my pregnancies, neither of which did I carry to term. I saw every mark of my pregnancies as a sign of my battle with addiction, depression, and even abuse. I had been to hell and back and I was ready to face the world with a more realistic point of view.

I had been talking to the doctors and found out that they had an outpatient drug rehab and I signed up immediately. There was actually a program for mothers and pregnant women, it was designed to allow you to bring your baby with you and to be flexible enough to be a parent. There was even a daycare center in the building so that I could drop off Izzy while I went through treatment.

I took my time getting myself ready, it was something that I hadn't been able to do on my own for quite awhile. I was reclaiming and rediscovering my rounder body. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman, not a scrawny teenager.

My new look suited me, I was proud of it.

_"You are even more beautiful than the day I met you."_ I looked up in the mirror and saw Britt resting against the door jam, with a single white rose in her hand.

I smiled at her and then turned around and accepted the rose along with a brief kiss.

_"So are you B."_ I said as I brought the flower to my nose and smelled the sweet scent.

_"Are you ready to go, babe?"_

I looked in my reflection, my make up was flawless and the bun in my hair was perfect. I was wearing a pair of Britt's comfy jeans and a normal v neck. It was casual but somehow I still pulled it off as chic.

_"Yes."_

I followed Britt into the restaurant, she was opening doors for me and pulling out chairs.

It had been a very long time since Britt and I were out to eat. It was strange to be sitting across from her in a public place and there not be any tension between us.

Fighting had become the norm.

Hopefully that would change from here on out.

_"So tell me, B, what did you want to talk about?"_

_"How are you feeling first?"_ She said as she cupped my hands in her own.

_"Good. At peace."_

_"That's great. Hopefully what I have to tell you will make you even happier?" _

I was nervous.

_"Marco confessed last night to the police and led them to the body."_

I felt my whole body tense up.

That was the last thing that I had been expecting.

_"Wow."_

_"I know! Ari called to tell me about an hour ago."_

She was so excited but I still felt an incredible sense of doubt and that was probably because I was the child of a lawyer and I knew that the law wasn't so cut and dry. Britt looked at me with hope in her eyes but before I knew it she was reflecting my angst with a worried look on her face.

_"Ana? What's wrong?"_

_"I still have to tell them about my involvement."_ I said as I took a huge gulp of water.

_"Yea but he confessed!"_ she urged.

_"And I was his accomplice."_

_"Ana...did you talk to Sal?"_

_"No."_

_"We are calling him today."_

_"It's useless."_

_"Okay if not him...why not your mom?"_

_"Because I don't want her to know about this. It will break her heart. I can't do that."_ I was wringing my napkin in my hands.

_"I'm not letting you take the fall for this."_ I looked at her...shocked by her choice of words.

_"Have you been watching Law & Order again?"_

_"We need advice from somewhere!"_ she stressed.

_"Fine. We will talk to someone today. I promise."_

_"Good!"_

_"Tell me something good, B."_

_"After we pick up Dani we are headed straight to the theater to watch Ari audition for the show."_

I was floored.

_"For the lead?"_

_"Yes...I think she would be perfect for the lead...so I asked her to come audition."_

_"Wow!"_

_"Yea...I'm pretty excited. She could use you there...since she is like in love with you!" Britt rolled her eyes and then began to cut up her pancakes with vigor. "So eat up...we have a lot to do today and I don't want to leave Izzy with Quinn all day long...she has to study and stuff."_

What a day!

* * *

**Sandra's POV**

* * *

When we got back home, Johnny dropped our bags right on the floor beside the door and then turned and swooped me up in his arms. It had been a long time since he had carried me. I forgot what it was like to be in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked up into his eyes.

I wasn't even paying attention to where he was taking me, I was too busy looking at the peaceful look on his face. He was so happy. Happier than I had ever seen him and it gave me hope.

We laid in bed holding each other for hours after that and eventually I fell asleep in his arms.

Old habits die hard.

When I woke up from my nap and he wasn't by my side I felt one of my familiar walls begin to slam down but then I thought about the progress that I had made in the past couple of days and I knew that I just didn't have the energy to go back to that place. It took so much energy to be sad and depressed.

I deserved to be happy.

I deserved to be loved and cared for by my husband.

I needed to trust him.

He needed me to believe in him.

I sat up and rubbed at my eyes as the sun began to rise.

We had left the ashram when it was still dark out so I knew that it couldn't be that late in the day. I stretched my arms and then just took a moment to breathe in and out a few times. I was going to focus on staying centered.

I heard the door open and looked up.

Johnny stood in the doorway holding a huge platter of food. He brought it over to the bed and sat it over my lap. I looked into his eyes and smiled. I had shown faith in him and he had delivered.

_"I love you so much Sandra...I am going to spend the rest of our lives proving to you just how much. I want us to go on vacation as a family...maybe a Disney cruise or even a retreat somewhere. I need to reconnect not just as a husband to you but as a father to our son as well. I want to make the most of this off season."_

_"I love you Jo."_ I said quietly.

_"I love you too, Sweets."_ I smiled when his old nickname for me came from his lips. He looked at me tentatively at first but then grinned and leaned forward. _"Can I kiss you?"_ I had been refusing him since he came home but now I looked at him and then nodded into the kiss.

The moment that his lips touched mine, I could feel the spark that I always felt when I kissed him.

Everything else that had happened before was inconsequential at that moment.

We were getting back to us and that was what was important.

I was becoming me again and it felt so freeing.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My head was so full.

So much had already happened and it wasn't even ten.

After picking up Dani, Ana and I went straight to the theater like we planned but then my bosses called and told me to push it back a half hour. So Ana wanted to go home and pick up Izzy. So I decided to walk with her so that the process would move faster.

Unfortunately, now that we are at the house there is a screaming match once again...but this time it's between Rachel and Quinn without Kurt. On top of that Celia is standing right there without saying a word and she looks like she's about to break.

It so was not the way that I had planned for Ana to come home. This was the second time this week and it was not how I wanted things to be, especially since, when we walked in Izzy was in his high chair screaming his head off.

Ana got red really fast and held the baby out to me.

Luckily for me, I saw the the baby needed a new diaper so, with one hand I took Izzy out of his highchair and held him on my hip as I carried Dani in my other arm. I was glad to walk up the steps and away from what was about to go down.

I wanted to take my time but my time was insanely limited.

Izzy sat in his crib and played with his toys as I changed the baby who was starting to cry herself.

My head was pounding but I couldn't let myself get upset.

_"Please don't cry baby girl. I'm sorry for all the noise. It's not normally like this."_

Dani looked up at me with watery eyes for a moment and then started wailing. I quickly finished with her diaper and began to put her clothes back on. I felt a presence behind me and was surprised to see Celia standing there. I held Dani against my chest and tried to soothe her but she kept crying. I had five minutes to walk to the theater which meant I needed to leave right now. I was so stressed.

_"Why don't you go ahead with her and Ana. I'm headed up to Sandra's. I'll take Izzy okay?"_ I looked at her excitedly and just nodded.

"Thank you so much!" I leaned in the crib and kissed Izzy's head and promised to see him later before made a dash out of the room and down the stairs with a screaming newborn.

I hesitated on the last step when I saw Quinn putting on her coat and grabbing Izzy's car seat from the corner. I looked around and Ana was gone.

_"What happened?"_ I said to Quinn over the crying.

_"San escorted Rachel outside. She suggested that Celia and I go see Sandra for a little while to get out of the house. I'm sorry about the yelling. It won't happen again."_

I could tell that Ana had definitely said something to her about all the screaming while Izzy was in the room. I nodded and made my way outside, thankful that I had left the baby's coat and hat on.

When I got outside, Ana was standing on the bottom step with her hands on Rachel's shoulders talking calmly to her. Rachel had tears streaming down her face and kept nodding.

What the hell was going on?

I caught the tail end of the conversation.

_"I'm serious Rachel, from what I hear you are drinking way too much. It's just after ten and you are just sobering up. Sweetie, this is not a game. We are here for you. I am here for you. Okay? We love you."_

_"E-even though I'm a f-failure!"_ she whined.

_"Stop that! I just told you...your dreams aren't over! The Rachel Berry that I know would not let this kind of setback get her down. If you are a failure it's your own damn fault. Don't let it happen. I really want to see you succeed!" _

Rachel looked at Ana and nodded one final time before turning and walking off down the sidewalk.

I had been so focused on the fighting that I hadn't realized that the baby had stopped crying. I looked at my wife with so much pride. She had come such a long way.

It was like a dream come true.

She looked at me and then laughed to herself.

_"I know, B. I've lost my fucking mind! Lets go...shall we?"_

The day still had the potential to go back to being amazing and with the look of light and happiness in Ana's eyes. I knew that we were definitely on the path to a good day.

My job was on the line and was Tony's.

Hopefully Ari wouldn't disappoint.

My chest was still a little tight and I was breathing erratically.

I was just insanely nervous.

Ana leaned against me and smiled.

_"I love you, B. They love you and trust me...they will love Arita."_

I nodded, feeling hopeful for the first time all morning.

Now all I had to do was get through this audition and I could breathe again.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Next chapter we will find about the audition and Ana will finally talk to legal counsel...oh and we will find out about Tori soon, good things. I promise!**


	33. Chapter 33:On My Own Time

**Chapter 33: On My Own Time/Write On (Gym Class Heroes)**

* * *

**_Now all I had to do was get through this audition and I could breathe again._**

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Are you ready?" _I sat on the bed in my dorm room and laced up my old lucky high-tops._ "I want to stop by the church first...is that okay with you?"_

_"Everyone prepares in their own way, baby sis. After last night...I think our family could use all the prayers that we can get."_

_"It's unreal isn't it? You two were so close as kids."_

_"Marco was different back then, before the drugs, when his parents were alive, he was more in touch with his humanity. He lost that the day he raped Anita."_

_"Yea...it kills me to see what he did to her."_

_"Will she be at your audition?"_

_"No clue...she gets out of the hospital today...not sure when though."_

_"Okay...you have like an hour...is that enough time for you to get to church and then the theater?" _Carlos stood beside my door and zipped up his leather coat.

_"Yep...we just have to go now. Can you grab my dance bag for me and meet me by the elevator...I have to pee!" _I said as I ran towards my bathroom.

_"That's like the sixth time are you sure that it's just nerves?" _He looked at me anxiously.

I couldn't think about that right now.

I was still in remission.

_"I'm nervous and that's it!" _I said before slamming the door.

Truth was that I wasn't really sure that was all. I had been tired lately and in pain. My bladder was constantly on and I knew that this was what it was like the last time that the cancer came back.

I sat down and pinched my eyes closed as I prayed that this was just stress or nerves. I couldn't deal with chemo again.

I was freaking out inside.

God couldn't be so cruel to let this happen when I was on the cusp of achieving my greatest dream.

Could He?

* * *

When I entered the small Catholic Church at the end of the block, I felt my nerves slip away.

No matter what church it was...it always, always calmed me.

I walked up to the altar and knelt.

This had to be quick, I just needed to meditate on things.

I lit the first candle and then said a prayer for my cousin Marco.

He had shown up looking a complete wreck, it was the worst that I had ever seen him.

It hurt me to see him so broken, my Tia was probably turning in her grave.

After that I moved to light another for Anita and her family because she really needed it.

Anita had been through hell and back, some of it because of Marco and some of it because of her own stubbornness.

Last, I prayed that God's will be done.

I couldn't be selfish and wish for something that was already predestined.

There was no need to harp over it. If it was meant to be then I would go in there and kill it.

I took a few calming breaths and then tried to stand to my feet but I felt a pressure on my shoulders.

I wasn't done yet.

_"Lord, just be with me...please? I'm scared, so scared about what this might be and now that my parents aren't acknowledging me...I don't want to be alone. If I have to go through this please just don't let me be alone. I put this completely in your hands"_

The moment that I was finally on my feet, I pushed my emotions and slight joint pain to the back of my mind and pushed myself to suck up what I was feeling.

I didn't have time to be sick.

* * *

I was pumped as I walked into the theater with my big brother.

He kept shooting me looks of concern but I was ignoring him. I knew what this could be but I couldn't think about it. When I stood near the entrance to the back of the stage, I stopped and looked up at him.

_"Look Lito, I know what you are thinking. I'm thinking it too. Once this audition is over...you can personally take me to the closest hospital. Just...please...please, just let me do this."_ I was pleading with him because he looked like he was ready to throw me over his shoulder. _"Please hermano?"_

Carlos looked at me up and down a few times and then handed my heavy dance bag to me. He sighed as he ruffled my short hair.

_"Promise me that you are strong enough to do this and I will back off until it's over."_

I looked up at him and smiled really big.

_"I promise. I feel fine right now...seriously."_ He raised an eyebrow and examined me from head to foot once more before giving in.

_"Fine. I will be right in the front row. Once this is over we are going to see a doctor."_

_"Okay."_

_"Break a leg."_

_"Thanks!"_

* * *

When I hit the stage, a stage that I had quietly practiced on during my winter break, I knew that I was about to make this audition my bitch. I was super confident that God had heard my prayers and I would succeed at achieving my dream.

Before I had hung up with Britt that morning she told me that my audition would start out like hers had. I was thankful that she had let me know that much because now I was mentally prepared for the prospect of having to dance the heck out of every genre that I knew.

What made me a little nervous though was the fact that I was going to have to sing.

I mean sure I had performed in front of thousands of people when I was in the city choir but this was different, it was bigger. I was slightly anxious about it.

It was Broadway, who wouldn't be nervous!

* * *

I took deep cleansing breaths and began to stretch out my body, while trying to push past the extreme fatigue and the soreness in my body. It had been like this for a week now but today after a night of zero sleep, it was more painful. I was on the verge of tears when I heard the stage door open behind me. I discreetly wiped my face before standing up and turning around.

I was face to face with Anita who was holding her new baby in her arms. She strutted towards me looking every bit as sassy as she had always been. She had a small smile on her face but a bit of concern in her eyes. She looked me up and down just like Carlos had done and I knew immediately that they had run into one another.

But she didn't say anything about it.

Instead she examined me a minute longer and then plastered on a smile.

_"Are you ready, Arita?"_ she finally said as she looked me in the eyes.

_"You bet I am."_

_"I'm excited that you are getting this opportunity."_

_"Me too."_

_"B let me come back here while everyone out there gets situated. I wanted to see you first. I ran into your brother and after he hugged me for like five minutes, he told me how you forgot your music...the music that you are supposed to be singing to."_

_"Shit."_ I looked at her in shock.

_"Yeah, he realized that he left it in the CD player. He had the case but no CD."_

_"I guess that I'll just sing it acapella."_

_"What song are you planning to sing?"_

_"No Greater Love."_

_"Amy Winehouse? My fave!"_ she said giddily. I didn't want to burst her bubble but that wasn't what I had been referring to. I shook my head and shoved my hands into my pockets.

_"Same song...except its the original by Billie Holiday!" _I chuckled and pushed at her shoulder lightly.

She looked embarrassed and nodded her head. She loved music and she knew what that song was but as quickly as she had flushed she smiled again with confidence.

_"I know the song...would you like me to accompany you on the piano?" _

_"Really?"_ I couldn't believe that she was willing to do that for me.

_"Yes. Britt already said that it was okay if I wanted to help you."_

_"Thank you so much!"_ I lightly hugged her and then leaned in and kissed her little blonde headed mini-me.

_"Be easy...okay? You're going to do great. Break a leg, an arm...a finger! Shit break your neck. How is this good luck?"_ she shrugged nervously and then leaned in and kissed my lips softly. _"For luck."_

Before I could respond she promptly turned around and walked out off the stage.

What had just happened?

* * *

I stood there feeling an insane rush of energy overtake me.

The lights flickered, signaling that the curtains would soon rise.

I dropped my head and closed my eyes.

Deep cleansing breaths.

Forget the pain.

Forget the struggle.

Remember the kiss.

I smiled to myself when I heard the sound of the curtains rising.

A bright light illuminated my body.

I was ready.

* * *

I looked out into the audience and saw Brittany sitting in the center of the auditorium at a long table, flanked by her two bosses on one side and Frankie and Tony on the other. She looked more nervous than I felt but I knew that she held a huge stake in this audition.

I looked straight at her allowing my smile to drop to a smirk when I recognized the seriousness that surrounded her. The look on her face resembled the one she had given me that day at the hospital.

I swallowed my extra saliva and held my chin high. I badly wanted to look down to the front row where I knew Carlos and Anita were sitting but I allowed the remnants of her lip gloss that coated my lips to be enough.

I could do this.

A man's voice was crisp and clear as he spoke into the microphone.

He was the man that had auditioned Brittany.

_"Please state your full name."_

_"Ariana Sofia Soto-Valdez."_ I said as clearly into the microphone as possible.

_"Age, occupation and dance experience."_

I looked at him and nodded as I smiled my nerves away.

_"I am 18 years old and I am currently a dance and fine arts major at New York University. I earned a Nikola Devedova Full Scholarship as an incoming freshman and_ _I have been dancing since I was five."_

I watched his eyebrows raise in shock.

It was rare for someone that wasn't an upperclassmen to earn that scholarship. It was one of my crowning achievements and hopefully it would sway him into understanding just how important dance was to me.

Brittany's two bosses were scribbling furiously after I had mentioned the scholarship.

I hoped that was a good thing.

_"So what is your favorite genre to dance to?"_

_"I like to dance to everything. I just allow the music to take me to a place within myself and just allow my body to feel the music."_

_"That's a good method."_ her other boss then asked. _"Would you be ready to give up such a great accomplishment to fully commit to this show?"_

_"Yes sir."_

* * *

One of the guys nodded at me and then wrote some more things down.

He looked over at Brittany and whispered something, I waited patiently as they talked for a few seconds. Brittany watched me the entire time. She didn't take her eyes off of me, even for a second, as she quietly whispered back.

After they sat back up and looked at me, Brittany clicked a switch and tapped the mic in front of her.

_"From here on out Ariana, the process has begun. Anything that you do or say will be taken into full consideration. This is a play about heart and spirit amid life struggle so when you dance I want you to reflect that as best as you can...no matter how formal the genre or music. Understand?"_

I swallowed my nervous laughter that was coming and nodded firmly.

_"Yes ma'am."_

It felt so weird to be so serious and formal with Brittany, especially since we had slept side by side for weeks and I held her as she cried.

I had seen her at her lowest point on more than one occasion but this was business, something that we both took very seriously. She nodded at me and then waved me back to center stage. I looked at her once more and smiled before backing up with the moving spotlight.

* * *

The music bumped through the speakers and immediately my mind shut off and I let the music move me just like always.

This was my element.

As a kid I always wanted to be the best at everything and so I would learn it to the max and then add new things to what I learned.

This I moved with the genres like I had been practicing for years.

Rap, Hip-Hop, Tango, Country, the Elmo song, Classical and at the end of it Club and Crunk.

My soreness was gone for the moment.

I was completely blocking it out or it had gone away, either way I was in the swing of the audition and I just needed to feel what I was doing and nothing else.

I forgot about Marco.

I forgot about anyone watching me.

I forgot about my parents.

I forgot about Rachel.

And I fucking forgot about Cancer.

It was me, the music, and the tingle on my lips.

* * *

When the music stopped, I found myself back at center stage, on my knees sweating, not really knowing how I got there.

I had been completely in a trance.

Hopefully I didn't screw it up.

Once I realized the dance portion was over I stood to my feet and looked towards the audience.

I had to squint to see anyone at all since the lights were off.

The spotlight was all that I could see.

I stepped up to the microphone and squinted again. I hadn't expected to be met with silence when I had finished dancing. I shielded my eyes from the light and could see Britt was hunched over in a serious discussion with her bosses.

I was suddenly very nervous.

I stood ramrod straight and just waited for them to finish.

* * *

It seemed like an eternity went by before Britt cleared her throat and looked up at me. She smiled slightly before a mask of coldness slipped on her face. She had definitely learned some things from Anita.

_"Do you have a song prepared?"_

_"Yes but I'll be singing acapella...is that alright?" _

I didn't want to have to ask for Anita's help unless I absolutely needed it because I was convinced I could do this song without music. What I didn't know was how much Brittany's bosses frowned against that.

Brittany's eyebrows raised up and she looked panicked. She looked away from me and shot Tony a look, he was looking at her in the same way. He mouthed something, nodded and Brittany looked back at me.

She seemed a little desperate.

_"Ariana, did you not bring any music with you as I instructed you to do?"_

I dropped my head in submission.

I looked up at her and then straight to the down to the front row where Anita was sitting. She smiled at me.

_"I just need my piano player if acapella is too risky?"_

Britt nodded and looked around for this invisible piano player.

I let out a deep sigh and then looked down at Anita again.

I didn't have to wait for a rejection after I basically rejected her.

Anita quickly stood up and walked down the aisle towards Britt. She was strutting even though she was in sneakers. She was trying to cheer up her wife but it didn't seem like it was working. Anita leaned down, kissed her wife on the lips and then handed the baby to her.

Britt looked at her in shock but still took the baby.

Once she was holding the baby, Brittany's face calmed and so did everyone else who was sitting on the panel.

Anita looked up at me and gave me two thumbs up as she sat down at the piano in the pit below the stage.

She had effectively fixed whatever rift I had created between Britt and her bosses.

Thank God!

* * *

I took a deep breath and then looked down at Anita and nodded. She winked and then cleared her throat before playing the prettiest and most important song that I knew.

I let the music go for a few seconds and then began to belt out a song that meant the world to me.

It had been my Tia Sophie, Marco's mom's, favorite song.

I closed my eyes and felt the emotion behind the words as the tears burned the rims of my eyes. I could feel my older brother watching me from the front row.

I knew that Lito still remembered the day that she died and after the fight last night, I was sure that just like me, he was reliving the moment that Marco turned to darkness.

* * *

We had been called to the hospital late one night to say goodbye. Tia Sophie has been fading rapidly but when we got there she didn't look any sicker than usual. She was all smiles as she sat in her hospital bed with Marco sitting in her lap. He was to big to sit in her lap at the time but he didn't care what it looked like. He was his mom's little angel and my favorite cousin.

Marco was always sweet and kind and shared his books with me. He had offered his bone marrow to me when I needed it later on even though he was on his way to becoming a convict. We had a special bond between us for years after he lost his mother, up until his dad died.

He snuggled against her chest and allowed her to hold him close to her.

She was humming the same song over and over again to him.

She patted the bed and me and my brothers all piled up on or next to the bed.

Family was everything to us and to her.

Her son though, Marco was her life!

She kissed Marco's head several times and then closed her eyes. She was taking deep, sharp breaths, it was becoming harder to breathe but she still managed to sing her song in her raspy, accented voice.

I knew only a fraction of her pain, she had three different cancers all converging on her. She had moved into a terminal status. After the song she slept and never opened her eyes again.

Marco had been right by her side when she died a few hours later.

The scream that broke from Marco was almost feral. He walked out of that room with a dark cloud looming over him, one that he has never been quite able to shake.

Things changed in my household too.

Sophie was my mother's baby sister and losing her broke something in my mom.

She still hasn't recovered over ten years later.

I was banned from playing No Greater Love for years after that but once I got an iPod it was my go to song when I was sad.

It had been the song that I was listening to when Marco broke into my dorm the night before. It had stopped him in his tracks long enough for me to wake up Carlos.

Marco was sobbing the whole time that he fought my brother and even in the cop car, I could see his whole body rocking from the force of his cries.

In that moment, he was a kid again, watching his mom fade away.

My heart ached for him.

Like it or not, his blood coursed through my veins and I was connected to his pain, his struggle.

Maybe more than anyone else.

I knew how evil he had become but I also knew the little boy that saved my life.

Jekyll and Hyde.

I belted out the last note with every bit of emotion that I had when it came to the woman I was named for. My first dance partner and my godmother.

Tia Sophie.

* * *

I kept my eyes closed as I wiped the tears from my face.

Ugh...I had allowed the emotions to overcome me on one of the most important auditions of my life.

I was disappointed in myself.

Britt looked over at her boss and then at Tony. She kept running her free hand through her hair as she held the baby in her arms. She still looked a little flustered but something in her eyes was different. Hopefully, it was good different.

I looked down and saw Anita looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

She looked at me mesmerized...as if she was seeing something that blew her mind.

Then she smiled that smile that I always believed was reserved just for me.

I heard someone clear their throat and my head snapped up.

_"Ms. Soto, it has been an absolute pleasure to watch you perform today."_ That was one of the head bosses. I nodded a thanks and licked my dry lips. I needed water badly.

_"I have to be honest with you Ms. Soto, when Brittany called me at three in the morning to tell me about you...I thought it would be some Idina Menzel wannabe. I was skeptical about it, about you but then I saw you give all of your heart up there with dancing and singing. That song held so much emotion, Billie Holiday isn't the easiest to emulate but you were flawless and I have to just say that I really hope that Brittany and Tony decide to work with you. I know that you will go far no matter what career path you choose. You were amazing!" _the other boss said.

Tony and Brittany looked over at him a little wide eyed. This must have been something out of character for him. That definitely made me happy. I thanked him and wiped the remaining tears from my face.

When did I become so damned emotional? Ugh!

I nodded and said a brief thank you again before looking at the rest of the table. Brittany leaned forward, turned towards the other end of the table and nodded towards Frankie.

_"Ari...my God...if Brittany and Tony don't hire you I will. That was amazing! I can see why you earned such a prestigious scholarship. I know a lot of dancers that applied for that...and they were damn good...I can see now why they didn't get it. Your heart shows in your dancing and your singing. I'm glad I flew in, I would definitely pay to see you do that all day long!"_

I smiled and then looked at Tony because it was apparent that Britt would go last since she had the final say.

* * *

_"Thank you so much for giving your all, it was great seeing what you can do."_

He didn't say anything more, instead he looked over to Brittany. I resisted the urge to bite my lips when I looked down at Anita, who was anxiously looking at her wife. I met Britt's eyes and she smiled really huge and clapped her hands together.

_"Ariana Soto, It's my pleasure to offer you the part of Carla Graciela, you can take your time deciding...if you would like, this is a huge undertaking and will require you to take a leave of absence from your studies. Take the rest of the weekend to decide. No matter the decision please come see me by six am Monday morning in my office. Thank you for coming!"_

They all abruptly stood from the table and headed towards back stage before I had a chance to say anything. Britt was cradling her daughter and walking with measured steps.

I was shocked that they were so welcoming and dismissive all at once but I could respect it.

The stage went dark and then the lights came up over the seats. I collapsed to my knees and cried into my hands.

I was so overcome with emotions.

It was indescribable almost inconceivable that this was my reaction.

It surprised even me.

* * *

I didn't mean to be so openly emotional but nothing mattered more than me thanking God in that moment. I was in the center of the stage, kneeling prostrate on the warm floor. My tears soaked the ground and my body was shaking but I just kept repeating the same thing over and over again.

_"Thank you Jesus, Gracias Senor. You are so worthy, Thank you God!"_ it was mumbled and chant like. It probably just sounded like sobbing to other people but I knew and God knew what I was saying.

After a few minutes, I was just sobbing, no words were being uttered.

My throat was raw as I finally felt myself being pulled to my feet. I was like a rag doll.

Once I was on my feet, I was wrapped in a strong embrace and was enveloped in her scent.

Anita began mumbling her own prayers against my ear as she held me firmly against her body. My face was hot as it pressed against the coolness of her neck. It took me a moment to realize that she was praying about the cancer, about my health and piece of mind. When I realized what her words were I cried harder and leaned harder into her with my arms draped around her hips.

* * *

I don't know how long exactly it was before the tears dried up but finally I sniffed and stood up. I didn't want it to seem like I was ungrateful. I looked at my best friend and she smiled.

Anita's whole face was swollen from her tears but she wasn't paying them any mind as she brushed the wetness from my face. She was putting me first. It felt good to be cared for by her. She felt like home.

_"Feel better?"_ she asked as she tried to discreetly wipe her own face.

_"Almost."_ I said as I looked around the dark auditorium. We were all alone.

As if she read my thoughts she stepped closer to me and rested her palms against my cheeks. Her hands were cool against my red swollen flesh. She leaned in and pressed her lips against mine in a sweet kiss, once more, but pulled back before I could kiss her back.

_"I'm so proud of you Arita. So fucking proud!"_ she rested her forehead against mine and kissed me one last time before pulling back from me. _"I love you!"_ she said happily as she wiped my last stray tear from my face.

_"I love you. Thank you for doing that...kissing me. Calming me down."_ I smirked. I needed her to know that I was delusional...that I knew that it was only an act of comfort in friendship and not a declaration of all out love and dedication. I got it. She smiled and then pulled me into a hug.

_"You're amazing Ari."_ she said before stepping back and pushing the hair from her face.

_"Yea...well...I guess."_ I mumbled as a blush crept over my face. She punched my shoulder lightly and then grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes.

_"Britt and Carlos are waiting in Britt's office. We are going to take you to the hospital."_

_"No."_ I said suddenly as I pulled my hand from hers.

She looked at me in understanding and then turned and began to walk off the stage.

* * *

I stood there for a second but then I saw she had my bag slung over her shoulder. She looked back at me and smirked.

_"You don't have a choice in this. I am your family."_

_"I just...I don't want to go to the hospital right now."_ I whined as I stood a few feet from her.

She huffed and dropped my bag with a loud thud to the ground before storming over to me and placing her palms on my face again. She searched my eyes and then dropped her hands.

_"Talk to me Ariana."_ she said as she held my hands in hers. I closed my eyes and threw my head back in frustration before looking at her again.

_"Why did this have to happen right now? It just doesn't make sense."_

She looked at me with a serious but comforting expression on her face. The tears were beginning to pool in my eyes again as I looked at her. Waiting for some words of wisdom.

_"I really don't know. Why does anything happen? We can't focus on that. We need to focus on the present. This sucks but we will get through it. You don't have to make it through this on your own. I'm here. Britt's here, my family is here for you and Carlos is here for you. Shit...even Marco...he...he is here for you. He always had a soft spot for you."_

_"I know."_ I mumbled. Even if he had hurt me in that stairwell...he still loved me. Sick isn't it? _"But if it's the canc-"_ she glared at me.

_"Let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet, Ari. We don't know for a fact this is the cancer. It may just be fatigue."_ she smiled.

_"I know what this is, Santana. I'm a fucking pro at this cancer thing...and this...is what it feels like every time!"_ I snapped at her and she just sucked in a breath and nodded. Her tears came fast and thick but she wasn't pretending to wipe it away.

_"Look..."_ she said with a fierce look of determination. _"**IF** it is the cancer we will get through this with or without your fucking parents! Whatever you need, I am here. I will pay for everything if you need me to. I don't care what it costs. Do you understand?"_

_"Anita...you don'-"_ she cut me off and stepped back, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes.

_"No...listen to me, I am back in your life and I can't lose you. You are...you're my family. My soul mate...I can't lose you!"_ she said before turning her back to me and weeping silently with her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

I hesitated before slowly wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me. I rested my head on her shoulder. We had talked about this soul mate thing. She had found all this information on souls that were tied together and figured out that me and Quinn were tied to her for eternity. We were her missing pieces and Brittany was her intended. It was all strange to me but I never fought her on it.

I sighed against her and kissed her neck. She shivered and leaned into me more.

_"I know that you're scared Anita...I'm scared too but...but you're right. We can fight this and beat it. Nothing is stopping me from being a leading lady on Broadway...not even cancer."_

* * *

I let them take me to the hospital after that despite my qualms about it. There was no time to celebrate. Anita kept promising that I would enjoy it more if I knew what was going on with me.

She was wrong...not knowing was easier than the wait, even with her trying to convince them to move faster, we were still told to go out and eat and come back.

All throughout my celebration lunch, I was nauseous.

Anita held my hand the entire time and even with her holding my hand, I couldn't help but be anxious.

Even with people by my side...this was something that I would end up dealing with on my own.


	34. Chapter 34:Dark Side

**Chapter 34:Dark Side (Kelly Clarkson)**

* * *

_Even with people by my side...this was something that I would end up dealing with on my own._

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My life had definitely changed almost overnight.

It was late Saturday night and I was currently sitting on the floor of the nursery holding my sleeping son while I watched Ana breastfeed our daughter.

I was watching her closely and could see a slight tremor in her arms as she held the baby to her chest. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing shallowly. She looked like she was sleeping.

I stood up slowly with Izzy in my arms and walked over to her.

She was mumbling.

Yep...definitely asleep.

_"Ana?"_ I whispered.

No response.

_"Ana...baby wake up."_

Nothing.

I looked down at Izzy and smiled. His thumb was in his mouth again.

I kissed his forehead and walked over to the crib and tucked him under the covers.

He curled up with his thumb securely tucked between his lips and grunted.

Like always.

* * *

After making sure that my son was secure, I walked over to the glider and slowly pulled Dani away from Ana's hands.

Ana jerked awake immediately and looked up at me bleary eyed.

_"What the hell...B? You scared me."_ she mumbled.

_"Come to bed sleepy head."_ I said with a chuckle.

It was what my mom used to say to me as a kid. Ana knew that and smiled up at me in return.

I waited for her while she walked over to the crib to say goodnight to Izzy.

_"Ugh...how long has he been sucking his thumb?"_ she said as she looked over at me in disgust.

"_About two months now...he saw Little Johnny doing it and he copied him."_

_"I'm going to put a stop to it. It's a filthy habit."_

_"You can try but his thumb is going to end up right back in his mouth once we leave the room."_ I warned.

She didn't attempt to remove it in the end because she was too tired to argue with our ten month old son.

* * *

Ana settled Dani into the little bassinet next to her side of the bed and then came and curled up against my side.

She was sleeping almost immediately.

This was life now and I couldn't be happier.

I wrapped my arm around Ana and fell to sleep.

Sleep didn't last long though.

* * *

Apparently, Ana is psychic because she had Dani at her chest and was breastfeeding her within seconds of her crying.

My wife was turning out to be a really good mother and it made me insanely happy to see her like that.

She was a natural.

I insisted on being up with her because I wanted to be up every time that she was up.

She was fighting to stay alert as she sat against the headboard and brushed her thumb over Dani's cheek, back and forth.

_"You are so beautiful Ana."_ I whispered as I sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her.

She looked up at me and smiled as she leaned against me.

She was so tired but she was trying so hard to stay awake.

It was a lost cause because once again, I ended up burping the baby and tucking them both in.

It became our routine.

We were actually doing this!

Amazing!

* * *

It was early in the morning, the sun wasn't even up yet but Ana was.

She had just finished feeding the baby and was now out of the bed and on her way to the shower. She had asked me if we could talk after she was done.

It was one of the first times since we had started living together that she hadn't asked me to join her.

I set up the baby monitor and then made my way into the nursery. Izzy was laying in bed riding his fluffy car over the mattress and making little motorboat sounds.

_"Look who's awake."_ I sang to him. He raised his head and a smile spread across his face.

_"Mama."_ he said sleepily before throwing his head back down.

He didn't look too well.

I leaned over the crib and rested my hand on his back to feel his lungs.

Just as I suspected.

_"Someone needs medicine this morning."_ I whispered as I knelt under the changing table next to the crib and got his machine. He just grunted and turned his face away from me.

He was really crabby today...no doubt he was awakened by his own wheezing and couldn't get back to sleep. Just like Ana he was totally not a morning person.

* * *

When Ana found me ten minutes later I had the tv going and Izzy sitting in my lap with his head on my chest. He was watching Elmo and squeezing his fluffy car.

These treatments were so normal for him that he didn't even fuss when he had the mask on his face.

He was humming along to the Elmo song when I saw Ana sit on the bean bag across from me.

She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a swollen face.

A year ago, I would have thought that she was high...now though I could see that she had been crying in her shower.

She wasn't trying to hide this and it made me feel closer to her.

_"Is he okay? Was his wheezing bad?"_ she asked as she looked at Izzy.

_"No. He's okay. It just woke him up and he was grumpy about it. I think I caught it before it got any worse which is super good."_ I said as I re-situated the mask that was starting to slip.

_"Good...can we talk?"_ she said quietly. I looked down at her and watched her as she nervously played with the sleeve of her over sized sweater.

_"Right now?"_

_"Another time then?"_ she looked at me with a hurt expression.

I immediately realized how I must have sounded to her. I shifted Izzy and leaned forward until I could reach her. I lifted her chin and smiled at her.

_"Ana, baby, I just want to make sure that Izzy is back in bed so that I can give you my undivided attention."_ I said sweetly.

_"Um...are you sure?"_ she said, shrugging her shoulders.

_"Yea...I definitely want to talk to you."_

* * *

_"So talk to me."_

Izzy was settled in his crib with a fresh diaper and his sippy cup and was down for at least three more hours. Ana had just fed the baby and so now we were sitting in our office with the two baby monitors.

Our life had definitely changed for the better.

She fiddled with the antenna of Dani's baby monitor and looked off towards the single window in the room.  
_  
"There's just so much stuff on my mind, B."_

I slid from my chair and went and knelt in front of her. She still looked away from me so I reached out and softly touched her chin.

When she turned her face to look me in my eyes she was crying. Her dark eyes looked almost black in that moment.

_"Just talk to me about it...all of it baby."_ I said as I shuffled until I was between her legs and wrapped both my arms around her waist. I nudged her chin with my nose and then leaned up so that we were eye to eye.

_"Sometimes...I just wish that I never woke up..."_

She said as big fat tears rolled down her face. I didn't respond.

She just needed someone to listen.  
_  
"I mean I know how blessed I am to even be alive B, it's just you know at the hospital...things were easy...more controlled. Reality is slapping me in the the face."_

I sighed because I didn't want to interrupt her but she was losing me.

* * *

She saw my look of confusion and then smiled sweetly as me. She put her palms against my face and then kissed my forehead.  
_  
"Did I lose you B?"_

_"Yea...a little."_ I whispered shyly.

_"Sorry Britt...it's just with Ari back in the hospital now, I know that these next few months of chemotherapy are going to be really tough on her. I promised to be there with her and for her...but with this murder hanging over my head...I'm not sure if I can keep that promise."_

I looked in her eyes and was immediately brought back to the night before.

We had shown up back at the hospital and they told Ari that the cancer was back.

She tried to put on a brave face...but we could all see just how much she wanted to weep.

I called my bosses and told them and they told me that they were going to stick by her.

The show didn't open until next June anyway...we had more than a year.

It felt good to go into the hospital room and tell Ari that she still had the part.

It was the only time she smiled all the way until we left late that night.

I looked back at Ana and could see that she was thinking about it too. She looked at me and then leaned forward and dropped her head against my shoulder.  
_  
"I'm so fucking scared B."_

_"We still haven't talked to Sal."_

I suddenly remembered.  
_  
_She sat up and looked at me with a pale expression on her face.

_"You think that I should?"_ she whispered.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I held it out to her. Her hand was shaking as she grabbed the phone.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It felt like the walls were closing in on me as I sat there looking at Britt. She held her phone out to me and I swear to you I heard doom music playing in my head.

Talking to Sal about what I had done would make it real.

I scrolled through Britt's phone and hit the familiar number before I lost my nerve.

It was just after five in the morning in Lima which, had I remembered would have been an excellent way to stall but I hadn't remembered.

_"Salvatore Rigali." _he barked into the phone.

_"Hey Sal...it's Santana." _I said slowly.

He paused for a second too long but then recovered.

_"I've been waiting for your call." _he said curtly.

_"You have?" _I sat there in complete shock.

_"What took you so long?"_

_"Ummm...how did you know I would call?"_

He already knew.

_"Hector didn't think that you would call me on your own, so he called me."_

* * *

_"Well, what did he tell you?" _

I was irritated with my godfather.

Ye of little faith, he sure was!

I mean sure he was right to assume that I was procrastinating but damn...it had only been like a few days! The incident had happened a year ago...one more day wasn't going to kill me right?

I focused on the deep blue ocean colored eyes in front of me.

They were filled with so many emotions and were beginning to loose focus.

It was almost like I could actually see the waves crashing in her mind and her soul becoming unhinged.

_"Take your medicine, B."_ I whispered against her ear.

I pulled away and saw her eyes light up. She had been so wrapped up in me that she didn't realize that she hadn't taken them yet. She blinked rapidly and then leaned in closer to me.

She inhaled deeply and then brushed her lips against my own.

The spark between us was very much alive and that kept me hoping that we would back to us someday soon. Just as quickly as she kissed me, she was up on her feet and out the door.

Suddenly I was snapped back to the present when I heard a heavy sigh in my ear.

_"Are you even listening to me Santana? I do have other clients you know!"_

Shit...I had to call Dr. J about my lack of focus...I was really off these days.

* * *

_"I'm so sorry Sal, this mind of mine is still trying to catch up after that coma. You were telling me what he told you."_ I said as I rested my head on the desktop.

I was so overwhelmed with what had happened with Ari on top of my own problems.

I felt like I was drowning.

My hands began to shake.

I sat up abruptly and looked down at them as they vibrated.

This hadn't happened in so long that I had forgotten what it felt like.

Was it even possible to have such a craving after so long?

I was starting to realize that maybe rehab wasn't such a crazy idea after all.

My skin was itching and burning as I tried to focus on what Sal was saying.

_"Hector told me that you admitted to killing someone last summer when you were off gallivanting with Marco Vega. Is that correct?"_

I took a deep breath and began to rub my palms together. The phone sat cradled between my shoulder and my cheek as I began to rub up and down my arms.

This was fucking insane!

I had entered the twilight zone for goodness sake!

I had to focus!

_"Yes...I um...I'm at such a loss, Sal. I need to make amends, I really need your help."_ I said slowly as I tried to take deep measured breaths. I was trying like hell, not to hyperventilate.

Where was Britt?

* * *

He sighed again...but he hadn't spoken. I focused in on the phone conversation, while placing my hands under my thighs. I was still shaking and it seemed to be getting marginally better with every deep breath that I took.

He cleared his throat and I sat up straight.

_"I'm not a defense attorney, Santana, you know that."_ he was trying to sound calm but I could tell he was agitated.

Sal had been around me most of my life and so he knew the difference between me when I was focused and me when I was on something or just not listening.

_"Look Sal, I will pay you double if that's what you need. I just need some guidance or even a referral. My father trusted you with his life and so do I. You know how hard that is for me to admit, don't you? I'm sorry that I seem to be pissing you off, I don't mean to be this way. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. I know that I try to do most things on my own and in my own way but I've changed Sal. I just want to do the right thing for once."_

_"It's not about the money Santana and you should know that I resent the fact that you would think that about me. I know that you are trying and I can tell that you are growing up. It's just a huge thing that you could have talked to me about at any point in the last year. I would have held your confidence. If I am going to help you, I am going to need your complete cooperation. No lies...no bullshit. Got it?"_

_"Really? I'll do anything you ask Sal! You won't regret this." _I said as I pushed past the dryness in my mouth. I couldn't really swallow or breathe but I was trying my best.

_"I hope you're right. I'm looking for flights this afternoon. I want to see you in person so we can discuss the finer details. Are you at your house in the city or at Sandra's still?"_

_"I'm at my house."_

_"Who knows about this?"_

_"Padrino, Sandra, Britt, Ariana, her brother Carlos, Quinn and now you."_

_"That's a lot of people."_

_"I know...I know."_

_"So Gladys doesn't know?"_

_"No...she would flip!"_

_"When I get there, you and I are going to talk over everything and then you are going to tell your family. You need them in your corner for this and in order for that to happen, you need to start telling the truth about things. Don't be like your father...he kept so much close to his chest and it killed his relationships with his family."_

_"Okay..." _I said quietly, I knew that my mom was going to be really, really upset.

I was anxious but I told Sal that I would do whatever he asked and I meant that.

I could suddenly hear the baby whining through the monitor and made a move to get up but then I could hear Britt humming softly to her. She must have been changing her diaper.

I felt the urge to still go but then Britt whispered to me through the monitor that she had the baby and would see me when I was off the phone. I felt a smile creep over my lips when I realized that she knew I was listening.

_"I want you to gather what you know about that night. I want to know what you remember, every single detail down to what you were wearing. If you can remember it, write it down. Got it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good, after we get all that together, we will go from there. I just booked my ticket. I get in at five this evening."_

_"I'll see you then...thank you so much!" _I said as my breathing finally settled a bit.

I was still shaking but it was only a tremor in comparison to the full body shake that I had experienced.

_"Don't thank me yet, you have a long road ahead of you."_

* * *

I made my way down the hallway to the nursery but when I got there it was completely empty so then I headed to my bedroom but that was empty too.

Then I heard Elmo laugh from downstairs and figured that Britt was taking care of the kids.

My hair was still wet from my shower so I headed into the bathroom and brushed through the tangles.

I was trying my best to keep my hands steady but the shaking was getting bad again.

I was craving cocaine...for the first time in months and I couldn't figure out why.

It was scary to feel this way again, especially with all the progress that I had made within myself.

Rehab was no longer just a possibility, it was now a definite.

I couldn't live like this.

I ran my hands under scalding water and took deep breaths but the shaking continued.

What else could I do?

* * *

It took me a whole ten minutes to get the shaking under control. It was back to being a tremor as I got dressed in a beater and some track pants.

I had my hair up in a bun and was shuffling my feet into some moccasins when Britt's phone buzzed. I picked it up and could see that it was a message from Frankie.

I didn't bother checking it.

Britt and I were in a different place in our marriage now and I really didn't want it to seem like I didn't trust her.

So I just tossed her phone in my pocket and grabbed Daniela's pacifier and blanket.

It was drafty downstairs and I really didn't want another sick baby on my hands.

I tucked my still shaking hands under my arms as I made my way down the stairs to find my wife.

I was feeling a bit queasy and my eyes were beginning to water, the closer that I got to her comfort.

I needed Britt, more than ever and it made me feel guilty.

She had been through so much with me and now I was adding this craving shit to the heap of crap that I was slinging.

I felt my mind going to a dark place and I wasn't sure that I could stop the downward spiral that my emotions were on.

* * *

Isaac was intensely watching Elmo when I walked into the living room. He was in his walker but wasn't really moving.

That red monster had him transfixed.

I leaned down and kissed his curly little head and he grunted in response. He was in his own world and didn't feel like being bothered with anything or anyone.

Yep...definitely my kid.

I made my way over to the couch that separated the dining room from the living room and leaned over Daniela's swing.

She was sleeping soundly. I kissed her sweet face and brushed my thumb across her cheek.

The moment that I touched her, my shaking stopped.

My little angel was somehow helping me push past the cravings that I was having.

I loved her so much. She was so beautiful, Ian would have been mesmerized by her.

I knew that I was.

* * *

I heard laughter coming from the kitchen and smiled to myself.

I knew that laugh and the very fact that it was in my house meant so much to me.

Maybe today wasn't going to be so bad...maybe I would be able to reclaim some control over my own emotions.

I definitely needed my family today.

I was just outside the kitchen door when I heard a little voice talking.

My heart sped up as I was going through my memory trying to remember if I knew any little kids...maybe it was one of my nephews? Was Brenda here?

_"That's amazing!"_ I heard Britt laugh out.

I stepped into the packed kitchen and immediately froze.

It was amazing.

* * *

There sitting in the kitchen nook was NoNo, Johnny, and Celia. Standing next to Noah was Quinn holding her two and half year old daughter, Beth. Tears sprung to my eyes as I watched Quinn's face light up like I hadn't seen in years.

She deserved this piece of happiness.

Sandra was at the stove with Britt cooking and my sister Damariz, who was coming really close to her due date was perched on the bench next to the cracked open window.

I knew that feeling of being endlessly hot while pregnant. It was like a heater was inside of your stomach and no matter what you did, you couldn't cool down.

My hands were starting to tremor again slightly.

_"There she is!"_ NoNo was on his feet the moment that he realized that I was in the room. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt the shaking ease a bit. _"I missed you so much, TT!"_ he said as he dropped a kiss on the top of my head.

I was about to say that I had just seen him a few weeks before but then I remembered that more time had gone by then I had realized.

It sucked.

I had lost so much fucking time.

* * *

I could feel the tears again, accompanied now by a lump in my throat. The shaking returned and he hugged me tighter.

I knew that he felt it and that he knew what it was.

I buried my face against his chest and let his shirt soak up my tears. He rubbed my back soothingly as he talked to someone across the room. He knew that I didn't want all of the focus to be on me at the moment so he was trying to distract them.

After a few moments, my cries stopped and I was able to pull away without too much shaking. I stepped back and wiped away my remaining tears. I felt like shit.

I took a deep breath and then looked around the room again.

They were all trying to not look at me. I looked up at Noah and smiled weakly before dropping my eyes to the ground. I looked down at my hands that were clenched in front of me, my fists tight and shaking.

I quickly tucked my hands under my arms again and looked back up at NoNo.

He had seen the shaking.

I was glad that it was only Noah that had seen it because my sisters or my wife or Quinn would have made it an issue. Noah though, just wrapped his arm around me and led me out into the dining room. He didn't even speak as he led me to the head of the table and pulled out a chair for me.

I slid into it and closed my eyes.

I was dizzy.

I had zoned out again.

* * *

When I opened my eyes, it wasn't because of the family buzzing around me as they placed plates of food on the table, it was because the baby was beginning to cry.

She was hungry.

I stood to my feet and thanked God that no one was paying attention to how unsteady I was as I stood up. They were all too busy getting the table ready for breakfast.

I took a deep breath and made my way over to the baby.

I picked up her blanket and tossed it over my shoulder before making my way over to her. Her cries were becoming louder as I unstrapped her and picked her up.

Once Daniela was in my arms, the crying turned into a whine as she looked up at me with watery blue eyes and a red face.

_"Oh Princesa, I'm so sorry...I'm going to feed you now, okay?"_ I said as I kissed her little face.

My cheek brushed her lips and she tried to suck on it.

I laughed to myself and stood straight up.

I wasn't shaking anymore and the dizziness was gone.

I was able to focus again.

It made me never want to put her down ever again.

* * *

I sat back in my seat at the table, completely wrapped up in Daniela.

I fixed the blanket so that it was covering me and the baby and then I moved my shirt out of her way.

She was latched on in seconds. I looked under the blanket and saw that her eyes were squeezed shut as she ate hungrily.

I smiled down at her and then covered us again before turning towards the table completely.

Everyone was staring at me.

I looked down once again to make sure that my boob wasn't visible and saw that it wasn't hanging out.

So what was the big deal?

Did they want me to go hide in a corner somewhere?

I smiled at them but no one moved. Britt was too busy putting food on my plate to notice that the table was completely entranced by me for some reason.

I got fed up.

_"What's wrong?"_ I asked with frustration...my voice came out shaky and raw.

I was on the verge of tears again.

The moment that I spoke, Britt looked up at me and then around the table.

_"Is everything okay? Did I drop a shell in the eggs?"_ she said in her sweetest voice.

They thought she was being spacy but I recognized her sarcasm. She was essentially daring them to have an issue.

Sandra cleared her throat and then smiled warmly at B.

_"Actually...I think we are all just amazed to see my baby sister being so motherly. It's a welcome sight."_

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement.

_"Well, as awesome as that is...I think that it makes Ana nervous. So maybe you should just eat? Yea?"_ she said before picking up a biscuit and biting exaggeratedly into it.

After that the staring stopped.

Thank God!

* * *

I didn't eat very much that morning. I just kept moving my food around with my fork and staring off across the big room, towards Isaac.

My son was still watching Elmo with an intense expression and he kept clapping his hands and laughing.

It was absolutely adorable.

It calmed me to see him so happy.

I felt eyes on me and so I looked towards Britt and sure enough, she was staring me down with an anxious look on her face.

_"Eat...something...anything Ana." _She pleaded quietly, trying not to make a big deal about it.

I snapped out of my daze and looked down at my full plate.

It completely grossed me out.

* * *

The eggs were too yellow, the bacon made me think of Mr. Evans again and the fruit looked too warm.

Finally, after my stomach flipped about six times, I settled on a dry biscuit. I picked it up with the intent to eat it by just taking small bites.

I was so nauseous but I didn't want Britt to worry about me. I wanted her to believe that I was getting better, not just physically but mentally and to do that I had to eat.

As I brought the biscuit to my lips I could see my hand trembling.

Suddenly it didn't matter that I had a baby in my arms.

My body was beginning to get more desperate for the drugs.

It was terrifying.

I quickly put the biscuit back down and abruptly got up from the table.

I just couldn't do it, not while I was shaking and feeling so sick.

I just wanted to curl up under a rock and sleep for decades.

* * *

As I stood up from the table, I felt the world spin. I tried to discreetly hide it by leaning on my chair a little as I pushed it in.

The only person looking at me now was Brittany and I knew that she probably noticed it. I waited for her to comment but she just looked away and began a conversation with Quinn.

Satisfied that I wasn't about to get in trouble with Britt, I went into the living room without looking back.

Either she was ignoring it or she was just waiting until we were alone. I knew that I would have to explain what happened but she wasn't going to put me on the spot.

Thank goodness for small miracles.

I knew that they were watching me from the table but I didn't care.

At least I didn't want to care.

* * *

I sat on the couch that faced away from the dining room and burped Daniela. She was still asleep as she let out a small burp next to my ear.

I continued to rub her back and softly sing to her.

I just needed to keep my hands busy in that moment.

No one would question me singing to Daniela.

Not even Brittany.

I took my time changing her diaper and then finally I picked her up and made my way towards the stairs.

I knew that if she was going to sleep, it would last longer if she was upstairs.

She wasn't used to the noise of the family like Isaac was. At least, not yet.

I took slow steps and deep breaths as my body began to hurt in every place.

It was like a really bad trip...like the angel dust, except now I was sober so I felt everything.

I fought tears...or at least I tried.

My whole body began to shake again as I made my way, slowly up the stairs. I gripped the banister tightly as a dizzy spell hit me again.

When everything was still again, I went to climb the next step but began to tip backwards.

_"Shit!"_ I whispered.

My heart was in my throat.

* * *

I suddenly felt hands grip my arms from behind firmly as they held me upright and steady.

_"Easy baby, I've got you."_ Britt said as she slowly guided me up the stairs towards our room.

_"I don't know what happened, B."_ I tried to explain.

_"It's okay...I saw you getting dizzy at the table and so I thought it would be a good idea to follow you when I saw you headed for the stairs."_

_"Thank you." _I whispered._  
_

_"Don't worry about it, okay? I'm just glad that you and the baby are okay."  
_

The baby was fine but the longer my body acted against me, the more I realized that I was not okay. I suddenly figured out why this was so intense.

I was on pain medication for the stitches among other things while I was in the hospital but once I left I refused to take them.

It was just too easy to get addicted to things like that, for me, so I never filled my prescription.

So my withdrawal symptoms were in fact very legitimate.

I was crashing from an extended high and it did not feel good.

My body was clinging onto any artificial high that it could get.

I was having an internal struggle just to be normal.

There had to be an easier way.

* * *

I sat on the edge of the bed, with my head ducked down and my arms around myself. I could feel the urge to rock back and forth hit me but I fought it.

Just because I felt like a junkie didn't mean I had to look like one.

Those days were over for me.

At least...I thought that they were.

I was losing my mind!

I was suddenly thankful that B had immediately taken Daniela from me and put her in the bassinet. I didn't like having to touch my baby when I felt so unclean.

I wanted another shower badly but I didn't want to give Britt more things to question me about.

On top of that, I didn't believe that she would leave me in the bathroom alone, with the way I was no doubt looking.

She knew what I looked like when I was fiending for my drugs.

I rubbed my palms together and swallowed back the nausea.

I felt sick to my stomach.

_"Ana...talk to me...what's wrong? Do you want me to go get Damariz?"_

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

My head was pounding now and negative, dark thoughts were clouding my vision and fogging my mind.

_"I just want to rest."_ I said as levelly as possible.

_"You should eat first."_ she said as she stood over me and brushed my stray hairs away from my face.

_"I'm not hungry, B. I just want to sleep."_ I said as I finally raised my eyes to meet hers.

_"Then come downstairs and sleep in the guest room. That way I can keep an eye on you. I think that if you're feeling dizzy that you should stay away from the stairs. So what do you think? Will you come down?"_

She was trying to compromise with me and just seemed concerned, so I relented.

This was one of those moments when I just had to recognize that my wife knew what was better for me. I trusted Britt to make sure that I kept my head above water.

She wouldn't let me drown.

I nodded my head as I unwrapped my arms from around myself and pushed myself to my feet. I was super dizzy and nearly fell over. Britt steadied me and then she walked over to the bassinet. Once she had Daniela in her arms she came over to me and kissed my forehead.

_"Grab my waist so that you can steady yourself. Okay?"_

* * *

When I wrapped my arms around her waist, I immediately remembered that day in the hallway at Sandra's. It seemed like ages ago.

We were trying to reconnect and I had been trying to trust her, half as much as I trusted her now. It felt good to rest my head against her back and let her guide me.

I felt a peace flood me as she walked us slowly down the stairs.

I was getting winded and kept making gagging noises so she stopped every few seconds to let me take deep breaths.

We made it back downstairs after about ten minutes.

Brittany never complained, instead when we reached the bottom of the stairs, she turned around and kissed my face a dozen times.

_"I love you so much Ana...it's going to get better. I promise."_ she whispered just before she kissed me on the tip of my nose.

It was different and I liked it.

* * *

When we stepped into the living room, I saw that everyone was sitting around talking casually.

It didn't seem like anyone was in a rush.

They just all seemed to be waiting for something.

Truthfully, I was scared to know what that was.

My eyes zeroed in on Quinn, who had Isaac in her lap. I frowned when I saw that he had his head leaned back against her chest with his thumb shoved in his mouth.

I groaned, louder than I intended when I saw that no one was correcting it.

Britt squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead.

_"Pick your battles, babe. This is one that you should fight another day. Rest now...okay?"_ she whispered against my ears.

As her breath brushed across my skin I felt a shiver run straight down my back. I nodded in agreement even though it drove me crazy that he was becoming a thumb sucker but Britt was right, I was just was too tired to fight him.

* * *

Britt led me into the guest room and got me set-up in the big king sized bed. I settled in and sighed with relief when I got the pillows to sit just right.

After I was settled, Britt handed me Daniela before leaving me in the room all by myself.

I brushed my fingers through the golden curls and sang a few lines from Songbird to her. Before I knew it, Britt came back into the room with the bassinet.

She set it up just on the side of the bed and then grabbed the baby from me. She was delicate with her as she slowly put her in the little wooden bassinet. She looked down fondly. It was the same look she had when my mother had given it to her.

It was my baby bassinet that Mami had found while cleaning out the house.

Britt felt so flattered that she would give it to us that she insisted that Daniela and our future grandchildren all slept in it.

* * *

By the time that she had finally got the baby settled and looked over at me, I was curled up into a tight ball.

I stared at her with wide eyes and tried to resist from shaking too much.

_"What did Sal say?"_ Britt asked as she perched on the edge of the bed.

_"He's coming tonight. He'll be here a little after five. He wants to talk about everything."_

_"That's good."_

_"Yea."_ I said as I closed my eyes and curled up tighter.

Britt sighed and then placed a hand on my back.

She rubbed small circles and sat patiently, waiting for me to say more...but I didn't.

* * *

When she left the room, the tears came hard and fast. I couldn't fight them anymore so I just let them come.

My body was shaking as I drifted into a state of half sleep.

I felt helpless.

It was like a dark void was filling my body and I had no control over it.

The sun was bright in the sky as my tears dried up and I just stared off in daze at the baby in the bassinet.

I knew that I would disappoint her at some point in her life, just like my parents had disappointed me.

_"I'm sorry baby."_ I whispered.

* * *

The door creaked open slowly. Britt stepped in with a sleeping Isaac in her arms. She smiled weakly at me before laying him down next to me.

He immediately curled into me once she put him on the bed. I looked down at him and ran a hand over his head.

Britt lingered.

_"I'm really worried about you Ana."_ she said softly.

_"Don't be. I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'll bounce back."_ I said as cheerfully as I could. It fell flat instead.

_"I'm here whenever you want to talk or just need me to hold you. Okay?"_ she said as she tucked me and Isaac in.

_"I know, B, thank you so much for being so amazing."_

_"I love you, babe. Always."_ she said as she leaned over and kissed my lips.

_"Only you, B. I love you."_ I whispered before closing my eyes and holding back the flood of tears that were coming.

* * *

After Britt left again, I looked down at Isaac and the pudgy finger between his lips.

The battle started now.

I waited for him to be sound asleep before pulling his thumb from his mouth.

It made a soft popping noise that made me cringe.

Ugh!

Isaac whined for a few seconds but didn't put his thumb back in his mouth.

He curled up against me and fell asleep in seconds without his thumb.

I knew that it was a small victory but it felt like I had conquered Mt. Everest.

I smiled to myself and pulled him closer to me.

Sleep came fast and didn't let go of me for hours.

It was just what I needed, some peace from my darkness.

* * *

**A/N: **

**READ and REVIEW! Thanks! You guys are so awesome!**


	35. Chapter 35:Washed By The Water

**Chapter 35: Washed By The Water (NEEDTOBREATHE)**

* * *

**_It was just what I needed, some peace from my darkness._**

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

When had everything in my life changed for the worse?

At what point had my life plan flown so far off it's axis that I was sitting here drunk at 10 am after a naked walk of shame.

This was not who Rachel Berry was supposed to be.

I was ashamed to show my face back in Lima and the people that I knew from there seemed to not want to see my face either. I had burned bridges before I even completely settled into New York.

The world outside of Mr. Schue's choir room wasn't that safe for someone with a dream formulated in childhood. No one told me how the city can suck you in and tear apart your soul.

I was naive back then but now, now I know better!

* * *

It was a Sunday morning and I was being called in to see Madam Tibideaux, herself.

Sonny, my flavor of the month boyfriend, who attended NYU and was a severe pothead, woke me up by pressing his hard-on against my leg. I shoved him off of me and then asked him to drive me back to my dorm but he didn't.

He never did.

It made me long for someone that cared.

Like Q or Ari.

They were both so caring and would never let me walk the ten blocks alone.

Had my judgment always been this bad?

* * *

**_U left ur bra...pck it up after?-Sonny_**

I growled in frustration as I stormed into my dorm room and slammed the door shut. I picked up my bottle of Schnapps from the floor and picked up a red solo cup.

Sam Evans.

I felt the tears pricking my eyes as I thought of the better days at McKinley. I poured the liquor in the cup and then gulped down as much as I could at one time. The cup was empty in seconds. I sat against the edge of my desk and finished off the bottle of schnapps and was eying a half empty bottle of rum when my phone buzzed again.

**_Can I call you?-Ariana_**

**_Yes.-Rachel_**

No sooner had I typed out the message when my phone began to ring.

A picture of Ari on one leg in her toe shoes with her other leg shooting straight up and her arms arched gracefully, came across the screen. I had snapped it when she invited me to see the basement studio down at the theater.

I envied the way she could manipulate her body, it was a gift.

In and out of bed.

* * *

_"Rach?"_ It was the first time that I heard Ari sound so defeated.

_"Yes?"_ I slurred onto the phone.

_"Ugh...honey are you drunk?"_ she said softly.

_"Almost!"_ I laughed into the phone.

_"I really need to talk to you...when you're sober."_ she sounded like she was crying and it put me on alert immediately.

_"What's wrong?"_ My words were slightly slurred but they were clearer.

_"Just call me later...promise me." _

_"I promise."_

_"Okay...and Rachel?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Try and go easy on the alcohol...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I mean it...I really care about you!"_

_"You used to love me." _I felt the tears coming down.

_"I still love you. Just from a distance like we agreed."_

_"Like you agreed."_

_"Ugh...just call me later. Bye."_

* * *

_"In my office!" _she bellowed from her director's chair. I stood there in shock before jumping from the stage and running up the aisle.

Madam Tibideaux hated to be kept waiting.

The hallway was crowded with over achievers taking extra Sunday courses to boost their station. Something that I had stupidly opted out of doing.

They were optional classes and because I already thought that I was exceptional, I didn't think that I needed them.

What I didn't know and apparently everyone else did was that by optional, they had meant that it was expected.

No one talked to me now, even my roommate had decided to move out of the room.

Madam Tibideaux was not pleased as I stepped into her office.

The room was smoky and dim, only lit with with a Tiffany's lamp on the desktop.

_"Shut the door."_ she said curtly.

* * *

I quickly shut the door and regretted not stopping to take a drink from my flask before coming into her office. I was completely sober for the first time in months and it was terrifying to be like that in front of my personal bogeyman.

My legs were shaking and because it was like an unwritten rule that you didn't sit in the leather wing-back chairs unless you were expressly invited so I remained standing.

I had made the mistake already and so now I waited by the door anxiously for an invitation to sit.

_"I did my best Madam."_ I said as I bowed my head and looked in her direction with lowered eyes.

_"Not good enough...that was by far the most predictable performance that you have done to date. You lack originality and frankly, I'm sick of looking at you. Another person was rejected just so that you could be the runt in my inaugural class. I don't appreciate having my time wasted Ms. Berry. I just don't think that you want this as badly as you profess."_

She sniffed with disdain and crossed her hands over a file that sat atop of her desk. I could see that my name was on the tab. My palms began to sweat as I looked up at her in fear.

_"I-I can try again Madam...I swear it. I just need...please...can I just have one more chance to prove it to you?" _

I was feeling desperate as I pleaded with the meanest and most cold-hearted person that I had ever met.

She was glaring at me and then a smile crossed her face.

_"Lets make a deal."_

_"Anything."_ I said as I looked her in the eyes.

_"You have one week to come back to that stage and perform in front of me and a class of your peers. If you perform below standard, then you will immediately withdrawal from my class, from this school and if you do well,and maybe show up sober for once then I will allow you to enter into the optional classes."_

_"Okay. Thank you Madam Tibideaux,"_ I went to open the door but she slammed her hand down on her desk.

I jumped and nearly pissed myself.

_"You see...that's your problem! Did I dismiss you? Did I tell you that I was finished speaking?" _she said as she leaned forward over her desk. She was visibly shaking with rage.

I shook my head._ "No Madam T-t—" _I stuttered.

_"You had so much potential when I saw you at Nationals Rachel. The problem with potential is that it's just that...it's not a guarantee. You thought that you would come here and everyone would fall over themselves because you have a great voice but I can find that on any corner in Brooklyn, I need more than that! You may have been a big fish where you came from, making everyone else seem inferior next to you but so is everyone else in your class. They were the best of the best. Some of them better than you! You have the talent but you lack the infinitesimal fortitude, the humility, and the grace that it takes to make it into a career with any shot of longevity! You have a week! Otherwise I expect that you will be finding somewhere else to continue your studies!"_

I was fighting back the tears as she read my soul.

She was right...I wasn't cut out for this, so why try.

_"Yes ma'am." _I whispered.

_"Why are you still here? Get out!" _she barked as she tossed my folder to the side and picked up her phone.

I nodded and then quickly left the room.

I felt so alone.

So lost and so fucking screwed.

How could I tell my dads that I had failed?

I couldn't go back to Lima as a loser.

* * *

I stormed into a private handicapped bathroom and locked the door before I broke down.

My hands were shaking and my mascara was running tracks down my cheeks.

This was all wrong.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I dug through my purse until I felt the cool metal of my emergency flask.

This was definitely an emergency.

I flipped the top off and then brought it to my lips.

The burning of the liquid as it hit the back of my throat made me thankful that I lacked a gag reflex. I quickly emptied the remainder of the harsh liquor and then tossed the flask back into my purse.

My lip was numb as I wet my face with the ice cold water.

Whatever Sonny had put in there was super strong because my whole equilibrium was off as I stumbled into the hallway. I heard the door to Madam Tibideaux's office open and usually I am fast enough to hide but with my senses impaired I froze and tried to blend in with the wall.

She turned towards me and looked me in the eye.

_"Drunk already?"_ she said coldly.

I shook my head as the tears left my eyes and poured endlessly down my cheeks.

_"I rescind the offer...I'm dropping you out of my classes. Your time at NYADA has come to an end. You have the remainder of the month to clear your things from your dorm room so that a more deserving student can live there."_

She stormed back into her office and slammed the door.

I slid down against the wall and cried with my face pressed against my knees.

* * *

Being ignored as I sat on that hallway floor made me long for the days of being slushied. At least then people were paying some kind of attention to me but here I was invisible.

_"Rachel?" _I lifted my head and there stood Kurt holding his hand out to me.

_"What are you doing here?" _I said as I wiped my tears on my sleeve.

_"Come on let's get you out of here." _he said as he put out his second hand.

I took his hands and pulled myself to my feet. I clutched my purse tight to my side and stood there looking at him with blurred vision...not quite sure if it was the booze or the tears.

_"Can I take you home?"_

I shook my head and looked down at my hands.

_"I will just go back to Columbia with you and I'll have Sonny come get me."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes please." _I squeaked out.

* * *

When we got to Columbia, I pretended to get a text and told him that it was Sonny. He cleaned up my face and straightened my clothes before walking me to the elevator.

_"We're worried about you Rachel."_ he said to me finally.

_"We who?"_ I was irate. _"No one gives a damn about me!" _

_"Quinn, Santana, Brittany and Ari." _

_"That's why I got kicked out of Quinn's house last week? That's why Ari dumped me because she need some space. Some kind of worry!"_

I stepped into the elevator but Kurt stood in between the doors so that it wouldn't move.

_"I know that Sonny isn't downstairs...so where are you going?"_

_"To see him."_

_"Why? You're gay." _he said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

I sighed and pressed my fingers to my temples.

_"Guys are just easier. Women they get under your skin and chip away at your heart a little at a time so it's not noticeable and then you realize one day that your heart is shattered. Guys break it all at once or not at all. It's just easier." _

_"I'm going to walk you over there."_

_"That won't be necessary."_

_"Maybe you don't think so but I definitely do. We are like family, I can't let you go and walk the streets of New York in your state."_

_"I'm sober."_

_"If you are then you'll be rational and let me walk you the six blocks to NYU."_

_"Fine."_

* * *

When we stepped out on the street the snow had just started to fall and the ground was icy.

Kurt wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me against him.

I was grateful that he did that because when the cold air hit me, it somehow ramped up my drunken state.

By the time we were standing outside of Sonny's building, I could barely stand on my own.

_"Thanks Kurt." _I said as I turned towards the door.

_"Rachel?" _I froze with my hand on the handle of the door.

_"Yes?"_

_"I love you." _He said before I heard the clicking of his boots heading in the opposite direction.

_"I love you too." _I whispered as I walked into the building.

* * *

I pushed Sonny's door open and he was sprawled out on the floor trying to glue a model bridge together.

He was a bit of a pothead but was insanely serious when it came to getting his degree in architecture.

He looked up at me and pushed his glasses up until they sat in his short red hair.

_"What happened?" _he sighed as he stood to his feet.

I looked up at him and shrugged. _"You need something?" _he asked as he headed to the trunk at the end of his bed.

_"I need to be numb." _I whispered.

He nodded and lifted the lid of the trunk. I pulled off my sweater and slid out of my skirt and shoes.

I found that when I took off my own clothes it was easier to locate them in the morning.

In nothing but my panties I climbed up on his big bed and sat there with his big down comforter wrapped around me.

He brought over two mugs of pure liquor and then grabbed the guava nectar from the fridge and poured it into my cup.

I took the mug and then proceeded to gulp down it's contents while Sonny took small sips.

_"Whoa! Rachel...slow down baby." _he said, trying to appear concerned.

_"Fuck you, give me another." _I said as I held the empty mug out to him.

_"I don't know if that a good idea."_

_"Keep your opinion to yourself or you can use your hand tonight."_

He moved quickly as he poured more rum into my cup.

He put it down to grab the juice and when his back was turned, I emptied the mug.

He cut me off after that which was fine because I had achieved my purpose.

I was blitzed!

* * *

I woke up awhile later with Sonny inside of me, kissing my face and professing his love for me.

_"Get off!" _I yelled.

He looked up at me in shock but quickly pulled away from me as sat back on his knees.

_"That's the sixth time this week!" _he said in frustration.

_"Get out!" _I yelled as I clamped my hands over my ears.

_"It's my room...you get out!" _he said as he grabbed my arm and yanked me from the bed.

I stumbled to my feet and nearly fell over. I steadied myself and began to search for my stuff. It was right were I left it in a nice neat pile by the door.

It took me ages to get my clothes on right. My panties were a lost cause as Sonny held the door open for me.

I looked up at him and he looked away.

_"This is it Rachel. I'm sick of you and your shit. Don't come back here."_

I stepped into the hallway and the door immediately slammed behind me.

I stepped into the afternoon cold, it was still snowing and since I had on a skirt with no undergarments on, it was ten times colder.

I stood outside the building and thought about my options, I could go back to my dorm or I could go see Ari or Kurt.

I chose to walk the ten blocks. I needed to pack anyway.

When I got back to my dorm, I found my stuff on the floor in the hallway.

There was a note on my door.

* * *

**_Ms. Berry,_**

**_You have been evicted, effective immediately due to the state of your quarters and your previous dismissal from NYADA, you are required to leave the residence within 24 hours. If you do not do so or cause a scene you will be escorted from the premises. You have until Monday morning to leave campus at which point your key card will be deactivated. _**

**_I hope that you find greener pastures.  
_**

**_Best of luck to you,_**

**_Madam Tibideaux._**

* * *

I was enraged!

I tried to open the door but the lock had already been changed. I looked down at my stuff and saw that everything was there.

There was nothing left in the room.

I tried to assemble it the best that I could while trying not to cry.

I was homeless.

My phone buzzed and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Shelby's name come up.

_"Shelby!"_ I said as chipper as I could manage.

_"What's going on Rachel? Carmen called me and told me that she had to let you go. How did you get kicked out of the program? What's going on?"_

_"She was completely unreasonable and now I'm standing in the hallway of my building with all of my stuff on the floor with no where to go."_

_"I wish that I could help, I'm in LA now but I'm sure one of your friends would be willing to help."  
_

_"Yea...I have to go. Take care of yourself Shelby."_

* * *

I was done with people who couldn't do anything for me.

Shelby would never be the mother that I needed her to be.

What I needed right now was someone that would put aside their own shit and focus on me.

I rummaged through my stuff and found my pink suitcase at the bottom.

I put some changes of clothes and other important things inside of it and then left the rest.

I didn't really need it.

Not where I was headed.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

When I woke up it took me a few moments to realize where I was. I immediately noticed that Isaac and the baby weren't in the room anymore.

I sat in bed and just zoned out for awhile until I heard more laughter coming from the other side of the door.

I wanted to be happy like that. I wanted to be able to go out there and enjoy my family and my children. In the past I found other ways to deal with things by either just deflecting, throwing a slushy, or just getting high.

Now though, I had responsibilities and obligations.

I brushed my hair back with my fingers and put it up in a high ponytail hoping that it would help to relax me but instead my body was on edge and the tears wouldn't stop.

I laid back against the pillows in frustration and cried harder than I ever had before. My throat was raw as I yelled into the pillow.

My whole body was shaking, my teeth were chattering and my skin felt like it was on fire.

Addiction was hard and I wanted it to stop.

I sobbed loudly and punched at the bed.

* * *

The door swung open and then the room was filled with light from the dining room.

I kept my eyes closed as I sobbed against the bedspread.

Being tough and hard was something that was in the past for me.

I had a lot of demons and a lot of shit to atone for and in order to do that I had to allow my walls to come crumbling down.

The door closed again.

I kept sobbing as I felt a warm body lay behind me and wrap their arm around me.

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

* * *

My cries died in my throat when I realized that it was Sandra holding me.

_"I-I..."_ I was shaking so badly and my skin was crawling.

I was scratching my hands and trying not to cry anymore but it wasn't working.

_"Breathe Santana!" _she said crisply in my ear.

I sucked in a breath, then another and another.

I was starting to hyperventilate until she clamped her hand over my mouth so that I was forced to breathe through my nose.

The door opened again and then quickly closed.

Celia and Damariz came and sat on the bed.

Damariz was feeling my pulse and Celia just kept rubbing my arm.

_"We're here Ana...we want to help you." _Celia said softly as she wiped the tears from my face. _"Will you let us?"_ she whispered as she kissed my face.

I nodded.

_"Yes...please...I-I...I need help."_ I covered my face and cried against Celia's chest. I laid sandwiched between her and Sandra with Damariz rubbing my feet.

_"It's going to be alright, Ana. Saul put in for a transfer and we just made settlement on a house on the Upper East Side. So even with this baby on the way...we will be here."_

I nodded and took deep steady breaths.

I was back to sleep in no time.

* * *

_"Ana? Sweetie...wake up."_ I opened my eyes and looked up into Britt's face. She was sitting on the bed next to me with her arm resting casually on my hip. I rubbed my dry, itchy eyes and then pushed myself up into a sitting position. Now that I was closer to her, I could see that she was flushed and looked like she needed a nap herself. _"Dani's hungry."_ she said apologetically. _"And Sal is on his way from the airport."_

I opened my arms wide for her and she threw herself against me without hesitation. It had me momentarily winded but I recovered pretty quickly.

I clung to her for a few minutes and just soaked up all the good vibes that she was trying to send my way. She caressed my back and rocked me. Even though I had opened my arms to hug her, she ended up being the one holding me.

_"Te amo, B. Thank you so much for letting me get some rest and get some frustration out."_

_"Do you feel better?"_ she asked as she rested her lips against my neck.

_"Much better. Tonight it going to be really hard."_

_"You have no idea."_ she said with a really serious expression.

_"What?"_ I asked as I pulled back fully and looked in her eyes.

She was hiding something. I stared her down and she broke within seconds.

_"Sal...didn't come alone."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"He and Hector thought it would be a good idea if your mom came here to talk to you. So Gladys is on her way here too with Hector and Sal."_

_"Fuck."_ I muttered.

* * *

Telling Mami in person was going to be much harder because I would be able to see her face. I looked at Brittany and could see how nervous she was.

She was still holding back from telling me something but from the look on her face, I could tell that I didn't want to know.

_"Brittany, this baby is wailing out here!"_ I heard NoNo say.

Everyone was still here...somehow this all seemed too orchestrated to be a coincidence.

They were preparing to tell me something...I could just tell from the look on Britt's face as she looked down at her hands.

_"Why is everyone here Britt?"_ I finally asked since she wasn't saying anything and I needed to hurry and feed the baby. She stood to her feet and looked at me with pleading eyes.

_"I'm going to go get the baby and bring her in here...I'll be right back."_

I had never seen Britt move so quickly and that's saying something. I barely had a chance to formulate a response before she was out the door.

She left it open and I could hear them all out there watching tv and talking. It had been hours since I had come to bed so now it was glaringly obvious that they were sticking around for something.

I felt like they were playing me but I was too tired and my boobs were so full that I couldn't focus. The drawback of breastfeeding, sore boobs.

I was flooded with relief when Britt came back with a whining Daniela in her arms. When she gave her to me, Daniela immediately calmed down. I smiled at her and kissed her red face.

She had been crying for a long time.

_"Why didn't you wake me, B?"_ I asked as I moved my shirt to the side and surrendered my boob. Daniela latched on and grunted. I looked up and saw Britt slowly walking towards the doorway. She wasn't planning on answering me. _"Brittany!"_ I said loudly.

* * *

She froze in place and then slowly turned around.

_"Um...yes?"_ she said as she sucked her lip between her teeth. She stood at the end of the bed and looked at me nervously.

_"What aren't you telling me? Please...I really just don't like when you keep stuff from me." _I said quietly as I rubbed a thumb over Daniela's cheek. Britt always has a better chance of talking and fessing up to stuff if you're not looking her in the eye._  
_

_"Okay so...Last night when we got back from the hospital with Ari, Sandra called me and told me that she had talked to Sal and how he wanted me to get you to call him...and so I did." _she said slowly, I went to respond but she held up her hand. _"Just listen...okay?" _

I nodded and looked down at the baby.

She was still trying to eat but I took her away and switched boobs. She grunted again and then went to town on my boob. I chuckled to myself and then looked up at B.

_"I'm sorry...I'm listening."  
_

_"Your sisters wanted to be here for you when Sal came here...because they knew that he was...ugh...Gladys was already coming here to see you and the baby and to talk to you about some stuff that happened while you were...um...in the coma. I'm confusing myself...Hector talked to Sal and told him to talk to you...so yeah...they planned it somehow...but Gladys still doesn't know about the murder."  
_

_"So this was all a set up?"_ I said as I gestured with my hand. When my hand passed in front of me, I saw my hand tremble._ "Fuck!" _I whispered._  
_

_"Everyone is here for you, babe. Everyone wants to be here to help you."  
_

_"Why didn't you talk to me about it? At least then I would have been prepared for it. Do you know what I went through today? My cravings are back...my body wants drugs, B. I wanted to sleep so that I could fight the feelings. Now though...now I have to go out there and talk to my family about how I was involved in a murder and how I'm craving cocaine again, after Sandra just cleared out all that coke from the houses...this is just all so much!" _I covered my face with my hand and tried to calm down but it was useless._  
_

_"I'm sorry." _Britt laid a hand on my lap but I flinched._  
_

_"Don't..." _I sighed, I couldn't put walls up_. "It's not your fault...this needed to happen and knowing Sandra she figured that I needed a little push. It's okay...just...please don't keep stuff from me. Please?" _I said as I reached out and covered her hand with mine._  
_

_"I won't."  
_

_"Good."_

* * *

After Dani was tucked into her bassinet and Britt left to order pizzas for this impromptu powwow. I finally got out of bed and headed into the little bathroom.

I sat in there and just tried to get myself together. This was going to be a lot but Sal was right. I needed my family. _  
_

I needed for them to have my back.

I guess I just thought that I would have more time to be with my kids and to reconnect with Britt but apparently that wasn't in the cards for me.

I heard the front door open and so I got up and began to wash my face and smooth my hair down so that I could at least look presentable. As I turned the water off, I could hear the loud laughter and my mom's voice asking for me.

My stomach made a lurching motion and the next thing I knew I was leaned over the toilet gagging on stomach bile.

_"Santana?" _

_"Ugh."_ I said as I slowly stood up.

My mother was standing in the doorway with Isaac perched on her hip. Isaac began to reach for me but I couldn't touch him yet. I smiled at him and then went back to the sink and rinsed my mouth with the mint mouthwash that I kept in there.

I hated that my son had seen me like this.

* * *

_"Are you okay?"_ Mami asked as I took Isaac from her. I nodded and then kissed my son's face.

_"Yes. Bendicion, Mami."_ I said as I leaned in and kissed her cheek.

_"Dios te bendiga. I don't believe you."_ she said as she followed me to the door. I was ready to face the music.

_"Well...would you be okay if you were in my shoes, Mami?"_ I snapped as I stepped into the dining room. She looked at me with a hurt look on her face. _"I'm sorry...ugh...I'm just tired."_ I said as I leaned in and dropped a kiss on her cheek. _"Forgive me?"_ I said as I looked her in the eyes.

_"It's fine...come into the living room so that we can talk."_ she patted me on the back and then reached her arms out. _"Come on Isaac."_ she said. He smiled and reached for her without hesitation.

_"Trader!"_ I mumbled as I shuffled into the living room.

All eyes were on me again.

How did I ever enjoy that as a Cheerio?

These days, I wanted people to just be normal with me but with everything that had happened, I knew that it wasn't possible for them to treat me normally.

Because, I wasn't normal.

* * *

The moment that Sal saw me he held up his briefcase and asked if there was anywhere that we could talk alone. I nodded and gestured towards the kitchen.

He nodded and we both started walking in that direction.

I pushed open the door and held it open so that he could step inside. Before I let the door go, Padrino came walking in the room behind him.

_"I want to be here with you."_ he said.

I looked at him and nodded, forgetting my anger at him for talking to Sal without my permission. We sat in the breakfast nook and then Sal opened his briefcase and pulled out a legal pad.

_"Write down everything that you remember. Names, dates, sequence of events. I need to know everything so that we can build a case."_

_"A case? Is that still going to be necessary? Marco confessed to me and to the cops and now he's in custody."_ I said as I held the cold ball point pen in my left hand.

Sal looked at me and then at my godfather.

_"When did this happen?"_

_"Saturday night."_

_"Well that makes this a whole lot easier if that's the truth."  
_

_"Yea." _I said as my hands began to shake. I tried to discreetly put the pen down and place my shaking hands in my lap._  
_

_"So tell us...did you do it? What did Marco say to you exactly?"  
_

_"That he set me up. That he raped that girl and then when he found out how young she was...he convinced her to snort the coke but it was me who mixed the powdered bleach...I intended to kill Mr. Evans." _I said._  
_

_"And where is Mr. Evans now?"  
_

_"He's in prison."  
_

_"What do you think, Hector?" _Sal turned to Padrino and then Pa looked at me._  
_

_"Anita...what happened after the girl was dead?"  
_

Ugh...this again._  
_

_"Marco made me go with him to dump the body."  
_

_"Who did the dumping?"  
_

_"He did...I was just along for the ride...I was too much of a sobbing mess to do much to help him."  
_

_"In that case Sal...I think that she has a shot if she attempts to turn herself in."  
_

_"Wait! What? Is that your advice? You two want me to turn myself in? Even with Marco confessing?"  
_

_"Yes."_ they said in unison.

* * *

I looked at the two men that I trusted to have my back the most and felt an utter sense of pride in them. I had wanted to turn myself in from the beginning but Britt kept insisting that I talk to Sal.

I trusted that they knew what they were doing and that I would come out getting what I deserved.

Poetic justice._  
_

_"So when should I do this then?"_ I said as I crossed my hands over the legal pad and looked at them anxiously.

_"After you tell the family...after you talk to your mom about what happened."_

_"So when?"_ I said as I bounced my feet against the floor.

_"Tomorrow morning."_ Sal said. _"Tonight you just need to talk to the family and spend some time with your kids."_

I nodded and then pushed up from the table.

_"Might as well get this over with then."_ I said as I pushed through the swinging door and into the dining room.

* * *

Quinn took Izzy to the guest room so that she could put him to sleep since she already knew what I was going to say.

I was anxious as everyone gathered in the living room. Britt had told them that I needed to tell them all something and so they were all looking at me, scrutinizing me. My body still tremored slightly and I swallowed the extra saliva in my mouth. I was waiting for Quinn to come back.

When she shut the door to the room and sat down on the bottom of the steps by the door, I walked over to my mother and knelt in front of her.

_"What is it mija?"_ she asked anxiously as she placed a cool hand to my cheek.

_"Well..."_

I was cut off by two phones going off at once. Damariz and Sandra looked at each other and then down at their phones. Damariz ignored hers but Sandra held up a finger and picked up her phone and walked into the dining room.

We all watched as her face crumpled up and she rammed her fist into the wall. _"No, no, no, no, no!"_ she was crying now. I went to stand to my feet but froze when there was a banging on the front door.

What the fuck was going on?


	36. Chapter 36:No Giving Up

**A/N: A million words cannot quite express how much I love my readers! Keep reading, keep reviewing! I hope you are enjoying the ride!**

* * *

**Chapter 36:No Giving Up (Crossfade)**

* * *

**_What the fuck was going on?_**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Everything just fell apart.

One minute, Ana was standing there in front of everyone, finally confronting her secrets and getting ready to be open honest and then the world split right open.

At first I thought that it was just a coincidence that both Sandra and Damariz's phones went off at the same time. Ana immediately knew better. She stopped talking and looked over at Sandra as she answered her phone. Seeing Sandra flipping out like she was...well...me, kind of shed new light on how I must have looked when I flipped at Ana.

Sandra had just punched the wall when the door started to rattle with someone banging on it. Ana looked over that way and that's when I saw how bad she was shaking. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Quinn thankfully was right next to the door so she jumped up and pulled the door open.

There stood Rachel, covered in what looked like mud but smelled awfully a lot like shit.

_"This is not a good time, Rachel."_ Quinn said as she blocked her entrance.

_"Let her in."_

Ana distractedly mumbled as she watched Celia and Damariz with their arms around Sandra. I wasn't paying attention to Rachel either because now Damariz was sliding down to her knees and crying into her hands and Celia stood there looking blurry eyed and kept shaking her head.

The world was still for just a moment as we all watched the three sisters completely falling apart. At first I thought that their mom died but I knew for a fact that they didn't really care for her.

_"What's going on?"_ Ana squeaked out. Her whole body was hunched over and she was rubbing her palms together.

Now that she had pointed out how she was fighting all day to ignore the cravings, I could see it. She was in pretty bad shape.

Or at least I thought she was.

* * *

What I didn't know yet but was about to find out was that the world as she knew it was about to blow up.

Celia came over to us and tried to get Ana to sit down.

_"No...I won't sit! Tell me."_ Ana begged.

_"You should sit down."_ Celia said through her tears.

_"NO! Fucking tell me already!"_ she screamed.

_"There was an accident, Brenda, Little Ethan and Brendan...they're gone."_ she whispered. The scream that came from Ana as she fell into Celia's arms was the most heartbreaking thing that I had ever heard. I heard the crackle of the baby monitor and Izzy's voice.

I went to walk towards the room but Hector shook his head and pointed towards Ana. He was going to go get him while I comforted my wife. Honestly, I didn't know what to do.

What could I do?

I'm not good with these sorts of things.

At least I thought that I wasn't but then all of a sudden Ana was flinging herself into my arms and I was just holding her tight to me and allowing her to cry and question.

I would just be there for her the best that I could.

My heart hurt as I thought of Brenda and her four boys, Ethan and Xavier were twins and were around ten and then there was little Evan who had just turned five Labor Day weekend and then the baby, little Brendan was just two years old.

This just seemed so unfair. Especially since Brenda's husband had died at war.

Where was the justice?

* * *

Ana never got to talk to her sister's after that because they left well Sandra and Celia left to go to LA. Damariz though was too pregnant to fly so she ended up crying herself to sleep in the guest room with Dani.

Gladys was in the kitchen drinking coffee with Hector and Sal, and Puck took Beth and Izzy up to the nursery. So now it was just me holding Ana as we sat on the couch.

She would whimper every few minutes after long silences.

I didn't really know what to say to her because I didn't want to lie.

My head shot up when I heard Quinn whispering harshly to Rachel.

_"How dare you fucking show up here looking and smelling like shit and drunk! What happened to the Rachel Berry that I fell in love with? I miss her!"_

Ana must have heard her too because even though her face was buried against my shoulder she said loudly,

_"Leave her alone Q. She's here for a reason."_

* * *

After that she pulled away from me and sat straight.

This was Cheerio Santana. I watched as she transformed right in front of my face. She wiped her tears away with her palms and then sat up straight and looked across the room at Rachel and Quinn.

_"What is it Rachel?"_ she said softly while plucking imaginary lint from her track pants.

Rachel stood there, the mud/poop stuff becoming crusty as it dried.

_"I was wondering if you might let me stay here just for a few days? I got kicked out of school and I really don't have any other place to go. I will do anything...to help."_ she said weakly.

I looked over at Quinn who's eyes were wide and shocked as she looked at her ex-girlfriend. I looked down at my wife and she looked like she was thinking hard about it and then a sneaky smile crept over her face.

_"I have a better idea."_

_"You do?"_ Rachel perked up, excited that Ana was willing to help her in some way.

_"Rehab."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"You're an alcoholic Rachel. News still travels fast in our glee club even if we are disbanded. You should be going to rehab."_

_"I'm not an alcoholic and I resent the fact that you think so."_ Rachel said as she huffed and crossed her arms over herself.

_"Look, I know that stuff seems pretty bad for you...but look around, my sister and two of my nephews just died, I might be going to jail tomorrow, and Ari is in the hospital fighting cancer again. So you going to rehab doesn't seem like such a big deal. So stop being so self centered Rachel and maybe realize that life doesn't revolve around you. I have been sober for over six months and I'm still going to rehab. So can you."_

* * *

Rachel looked like someone had struck her. She stood there looking at my wife like she had just stabbed her through the heart. I felt Ana curl against me again but this time there were no tears just a whole lot of shaking._  
_

_"Do you want to go back to bed?" _I whispered softly._  
_

_"No...Dani is going to wake up soon...can you go get her when she wakes up? I need to go in that kitchen and talk to my mom, if I can't tell anyone else...she should at least know." _I nodded and then stood slowly to my feet. I looked down and could see my wife trying to take deep and steady breaths before pushing up on her feet._  
_

_"Do you want me to come with you?"  
_

_"No. I can do this on my own."  
_

_"Are you sure that it's a good idea?"  
_

_"For me...right now...yes. I need to do this...Sal and Pa will be in there too. No worries."  
_

She stood to her feet and then leaned in and kissed my lips. The kiss was soft and sweet and made me realize that even at times like this when everything else had gone to shit me and Ana were still us and things would be good again between us.

* * *

I should have gone with her. My instincts had told me that it wasn't a good idea to let her go in that kitchen without me but I listened to her. I stood there watching her walk towards the kitchen with her whole body shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself. _  
_

She was feeling like shit and it was my job to fix that but she had asked to do it alone, so while I wanted to be there holding her hand, instead I was dealing with Rachel.

Quinn was standing by the door and talking in a hushed whisper on the phone. She had wanted to go with Celia but ended up staying behind at Celia's request because Ana and Damariz would need her.

She wasn't happy about it.

_"So I guess you can stay in the guest room on third floor. Is that okay Quinn? "_ I said as I looked over at Q. There were only three rooms up there and one of them was Quinn's. She would be all alone with Rachel for the time being and it was her call.

_"That's fine B, it's your house."_ Quinn said before returning to her phone conversation.

_"Thank you very much Br-"_

That's when the yelling started.

I hadn't heard Ana raise her voice like that in such a long time but she wasn't the only one yelling so was Gladys and then I heard what sounded like a slap.

I was on high alert as I made a mad dash for the kitchen.

Something went wrong and I hadn't been there to stop it.

Then there was another smacking sound and then everything went silent.

* * *

I pushed into the kitchen with Quinn on my heels.

Hector was standing in between mother and daughter who both had a hand pressed against their cheek. Shit. Had Ana hit her mother? Unreal!

Wow.

Ana looked at me with angry eyes and then back at her mother.

_"Did you know Brittany?"_ Ana turned her eyes towards me. _"Did you know that my Abuela was dead and you didn't tell me?"_

No...this wasn't supposed to happen like this.

Crap.

* * *

_"I was...I was there when Gladys found out. I-I went to the funeral with her and everything."_

_"Again...why didn't you tell me? I have been awake for weeks...I named Daniela after her...you had plenty of opportunities to tell me, Brittany!"_

I stepped back and bumped straight into Quinn. Ana was backing me into a corner and now I had no where to go.

_"I'm sorry...we all thought it would be best-"_

_"Best?"_ she cut me off and was pressing a finger into my chest. Cheerio's Santana was sticking around. _"Nobody knows what is best for me but me! Got it?"_

_"San calm down."_ Quinn said from somewhere behind me.

_"Don't you fucking tell me what to do, Blondie!"  
_

_"Okay...lets go outside for a little...take a breather?" _I said as I placed my hands on her shoulders._  
_

_"Don't fucking touch me."  
_

She stormed passed me and left me standing there feeling more confused than ever.

What had just happened?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I stormed into the guest room and there was Damariz holding my little girl and singing to her. It calmed the raging beast that was inside of me fighting to get out.

I didn't mean to snap the way I had. Britt was just trying to help me and be there for me but all the death was just too much. It was like I was being punished for what I had done.

I just wanted to give up and runaway, go on an endless bender.

Everything was just so fucking unbelievable.

_"Come sit with us, Ana."_ Damariz said as she looked up at me. _"My niece is hungry and you need to calm down."_

I didn't argue as I looked into my older sister's face. She and Brenda were identical twins who despite different tastes in fashion both always kept their hair long.

It made my heart clench just to look at my sister.

This was just all fucked up.

* * *

_"So...what were you about to tell everyone out there?"_

We had been sitting there on the bed for quite awhile in silence. I had begun to feed the baby as Damariz sat there rubbing her stomach and humming. I had been falling asleep against her shoulder while feeding the baby when she broke the silence with that question.

_"Do you really want to know?"_ I said as I sat up abruptly. Daniela was asleep so I just started burping her instead of giving her more.

Damariz sat up and reached out for the baby. I handed my daughter over and watched as my sister continued to burp her and then when she was done, she leaned over and tucked her into the bassinet. I sat there twisting my shirt in between my fingers as I waited for Damariz to come back to bed.

It didn't take long.

_"Talk to me."_ she said as she pulled my hand in between hers. I we both sat cross-legged facing each other and holding hands. It was the closest the two of us had ever been.

_"When I lived here last summer...I was taken advantage of...and-"_ suddenly the door swung open and in stormed my mother with Brittany right behind her trying to stand in front of her.

_"What did you do?"_ Mami screamed at me. I had never gotten the chance to tell her because she had cut me off in the kitchen so that she could tell me about my Abuela dying. So now she was disrupting a peaceful moment.

Daniela started crying and I flipped.

_"Was that really necessary Mami? With my daughter right here?"_ Britt walked over to the bassinet and picked up the baby. She tried her best to soothe her but it was useless. It was only something that I was capable of.

_"Give her to me, Britt."_

Brittany nodded and then walked around Gladys and brought her to me. Daniela looked up at me with watery eyes and continued to cry really loudly.

I was so angry and felt so terrible for disturbing her from her sleep.

This was all just so overwhelming.

I needed a way out.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was really fed up and just wanted people to leave so that I could talk to my wife alone.

Gladys was the first person that I had to get rid of and since she could calmly leave on her own, I did the next best thing.

While she ranted at Ana, I walked back into the kitchen and cornered Hector.

_"You need to take her to the hotel."_ I said as I leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at both him and Sal. _"Ana has a lot of pressure and stuff going on. Maybe it would be better if you just left. Come back in the morning...but if you really want her to turn herself in tomorrow morning then let her have this time with our kids. She shouldn't be wasting her time arguing with her mother. It's pointless."_

* * *

I didn't give Hector a chance to respond because I stormed out of the room and headed into the living room where Quinn was sitting with Izzy in her lap.

He was having another one of his treatments.

I rubbed his little head and then stood in front of Q completely.

_"Hey B...is everything okay in there?"_

_"I need a favor."_ I said as I held Izzy's little hand in my own.

_"What do you guys need?"_

Just when I finished telling Quinn what I needed from her there was banging coming from the guest room.

_"What the heck?"_ Quinn said as she craned her neck towards the closed door.

I jumped to my feet and walked over to the room.

When I went to open the door, I could hear the crying coming from the other side. I tried the door but it was locked.

_"I can't fucking believe you, Mami! How dare you say that about me! Get out of my house!"_ Ana screamed.

The shit had hit the fan.

* * *

_"Hector!"_ I screamed towards the kitchen. He was in the dining room in no time as I began to bang on the door.

_"Ana? Gladys? Damariz? Open the door!"_ I was pleading with them but I doubted that they could hear me over their yelling.

What bothered me the most though was the fact that my newborn was still screaming.

Hector rammed his shoulder into the door just once and it popped open. It was amazing to see and if I had more time I would have tried to get him to show me how to do it. Then there was another smack at the same time of the door slamming against the wall.

_"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I am your mother!"_

_"Only when it's convenient!"_ Ana screamed.

Another slap!

It was like I felt it.

My heart clenched as I dove in front of of my lunging wife. Ana's body slammed into mine so hard that we flew past Gladys and crashed into the wall. I held her tightly around the waist so that she wouldn't turn around and try again. She was facing the wall and I had my front pressed against her back.

_"Hector? Now!"_ I never would have yelled at him like that but this was out of control. I could still hear Dani crying but I realized that she wasn't in the room. The bathroom door was closed. I leaned against Ana while she growled and threatened her mother, I leaned enough, so that my lips were brushing her ear. _"Think about the baby...she needs you right now."_

Ana's body slumped against me and I loosened my hands but didn't let go completely. She rested her forehead against the wall, her body began to shake and then I heard her sniffling.

_"I'm sorry."_ she whispered only low enough for me to hear. _"You can let me go, B, I'm going to go get Dani."_ she whispered.

I stepped back but kept my arms out just in case she tried to lunge but she kept her word. She turned around and walked straight towards the bathroom door without chancing a glance around the room.

Ana surprises me everyday.

It's amazing to see how much she has matured.

It's a welcome change.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

By the time that everyone left the house, Damariz included, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep the moment that we got into the room. Sleep though didn't last long because Isaac woke up calling for me.

Britt tried to go to him but he kept shaking his head and calling for his Mami.

I pushed out of the bed after listening to Britt trying to reason with him over the baby monitor. She was trying so hard to let me sleep but the truth of the matter was that I had slept for hours in the afternoon but she had been up the whole day, since before sunrise.

When I walked into the nursery I found her on her knees trying to play peek-a-boo with him but he kept whining.

_"Hey Papa, are you giving your Mama a hard time?"_ I said as I walked over to stand beside a kneeling Britt.

_"Mami!"_ he shrieked and pulled himself to his feet. I had never seen him do that and it blew me away. I leaned over and picked him up.

The moment that Isaac was in my arms, he laid his head on my neck and started humming himself back to sleep. I rubbed his back as I rocked on my feet and began to sing to him. After a few minutes he was out cold, so I put him back in the crib and tucked him in.

Britt had stayed quiet the entire time.

When I looked down, I could see that she had fallen asleep with her head leaned against the changing table. She had purple bruises under her eyes from the exhaustion and it made my stomach turn. She was exhausted and it was barely eight thirty.

I leaned down and kissed her face a few times but she didn't budge.

_"Brittany? Baby?"_ I said as I pressed forward more and kissed her lips. At first nothing happened but then I felt her press her lips against mine.

* * *

I was lost in the kiss and didn't even realize that she was now standing and backing us out of the room until I felt the cool air of the hallway on my back.

_"I'm sorry to interrupt."_ I groaned as I remembered my new house guest. I pulled away from Britt and looked her in her eyes.

_"Britt, go ahead and lay down okay? I need to talk to Rachel. I'll be in soon."_ I leaned in and kissed her as she nodded and then shuffled into our bedroom and shut the door softly.

I turned to Rachel and finally got a good look at her.

She had apparently showered and was now wearing an old lady nightgown.

I snickered and then gestured towards my office.

I needed to lay down some ground rules if she was going to be staying in the same house as my children and my wife.

The new Rachel Berry was more ruthless and reckless. I didn't really trust her but she needed someone to believe in her and since she believed in me even when I didn't deserve it, I decided to return the favor.

It was the adult thing to do.

* * *

I shut the door to the office and then sat down on the big comfy sofa. I patted the cushion next to me and waited for her to make her way over.

When she sat down, that's when I caught a hint of a smell, I leaned closer and could see that she was a little bleary eyed.

_"Are you drunk?"_ I asked flat out.

_"I'm sobering up currently."_

_"How often do you drink Rachel?"_ I said as I tried to maintain eye contact.

_"Everyday, every night. Most of the time."_

_"I'm going to have to ask you to not drink in this house or come back here drunk. I know what alcohol can do to a person's judgment. It's how I got pregnant...it's what helped my father to beat me for years. It's what's killing your talent."_

_"I'm aware that I may be developing a bit of a problem."_

_"You already developed it...now what are you going to do about it."_

_"What does it matter? I already failed."_ She said as she looked down at her hands.

_"Look at me, Rachel."_ I said. Slowly she raised her head just enough so that she could look me in the eyes. _"I may have given you a lot of shit in high school but I admired you. You had the ambitious will power to succeed and let nothing stop you or stand in your way. Somewhere along the way from then to now, you have lost your way. It's like seeing your hero fall, I can't let you fall Rachel. You are better than this."_ I reached out and took her hand in mine. _"If you go to rehab, know that I will be there with you. We are a family, you won't have to go at it alone. On the same token, if you decide that you want to continue along your path then I'm going to ask you to do it elsewhere. Okay?"_

* * *

We talked for awhile and then her phone rang. She looked down at it and then back up at me._  
_

_"Is it true? What you said about Ari and the cancer being back?"  
_

_"Yes...she found out last night."  
_

_"Is she going to die?"  
_

_"I sure hope not...she has so much to live for. So many good things are waiting for her."  
_

_"Yea."  
_

_"I feel the same about you, Rachel. You have so much ahead of you. I think that you are still at a place where you can stop before you completely lose yourself."  
_

_"Do you really think so?"_ She said, for the first time looking at me with hopeful eyes._  
_

_"I know so Rachel."  
_

_"Can I hug you?" _she said softly._ "It would seem that both of us are in dire need-"  
_

_"Shut up and hug me already." _I said as I opened my arms and allowed her to wrap her arms around me. She leaned against me and then quickly pulled away but then I pulled her back and wrapped my arms around her._  
_

_"I don't get why you are being so nice to me." _she whispered._  
_

_"Because...when I was at my lowest I had people around to help me out but it took me realizing on my own that I was worth more than drugs, random sex, and alcohol. You have that too...you just have allowed yourself to forget. I won't let you give up on yourself Rachel. I meant what I said on graduation day. Be the best you that you can."  
_

_"Thanks Santana." _she said as we pulled away from each other._  
_

_"Thank you, Rachel...for helping me see why I fight to be sober."_

* * *

When I climbed in bed the first thing that I noticed was that Britt was still awake. She was lying there on the bed staring at our daughter and crying.

I wrapped my arms around her and spooned against her back. It made me smile when she reached an arm back and dropped it around my back._  
_

_"Are you okay?" _we both said simultaneously._  
_

_"Jinx!"_ I laughed against her back._  
_

_"What happened in there, Ana?"  
_

_"Mami...wouldn't stop yelling even with me holding the baby and so Damariz took Daniela and locked herself in the bathroom. Once they were out of the room, Mami was down my throat basically about the way that I had spoken to her. I tried to reason with her and was as nice as possible but she wanted to fight with me."  
_

_"You hit her Ana." _I sighed heavily as I thought about how I had snapped and physically assaulted my own mother, the same woman that threw herself in front of my father's blows to protect me from him._  
_

_"I'm so ashamed of myself Britt."  
_

_"I-I don't even know what to say." _she said before slowly turning so that we were eye to eye._ "So much happened tonight and then tomorrow you have to go to the station."  
_

_"I know...I have to pump some milk for Daniela so that you can feed her while I'm gone."  
_

_"I'm scared Ana." _she admitted to me. I nodded and brushed her hair from her face._  
_

_"Me too."  
_

_"I just want everything to be okay again."  
_

_"So do I, Britt Britt. So do I."  
_

_"I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you." _she rested her forehead against mine and ran her finger slowly up and down my arm.

I had goosebumps._  
_

_"I'm way past that now, Britt. I'm surprisingly peaceful. I feel like my mind is only letting me feel a quarter of my pain. I want to mourn my sister and my nephews but I can't allow myself to become lost. I need to be strong tomorrow. I need to seem rational and not insane."  
_

_"So you are just going to ignore it? Deflect? Isn't that what you have been trying to move passed?"  
_

_"Yea...you're right. I just...maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I know that when Ian died it was more immediate. It made sense. This though...just doesn't seem real."_

* * *

I knew that I had a serious case of denial going on but who could blame me with everything that had just happened. _  
_

What else was I supposed to do?

How else was I supposed to act?

Things were just going downhill for me.

Everything was just not working out how I had planned when we were still in Lima.

This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up.

Not just on her, but on me.

I was worth it.

Or at least I would be.

* * *

**A/N: Review...it makes me update faster! ;)**


	37. Chapter 37:In Too Far

**Chapter 37: In Too Far (Acceptance)**

* * *

**_Things were just going downhill for me._**

**_Everything was just not working out how I had planned when we were still in Lima._**

**_This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up._**

**_Not just on her, but on me._**

**_I was worth it._**

**_Or at least I would be._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It was the middle of the night and I couldn't really sleep. I was having doubts about what I was about to do and the repercussions it would cause.

I was starting to think that maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Of course I wasn't the only person that should have. The moment that I had stormed from the kitchen, Padrino spilled the beans to Mami.

It was poor judgment on his part.

Did he think she would just smile and nod?

Now I had Mami, who is a licensed attorney in New York, telling me that I'm going about this the wrong way. She told me that too many people knew now and so it wouldn't be able to be handled quietly.

She wanted me to just shut up and let her take care of it but I didn't want this to be like when I drove drunk into the Lima courthouse and I walked away felony free. Someone had died this time and I didn't want to go about living my life without some kind of atonement.

She slapped me and I deserved it. She was right, I was making myself into a martyr.

I wasn't sure if Sal and Pa were in the right. I had a lot on the line, my marriage, children and any future career. One wrong move would mean the difference between life in prison or happiness with my kids.

What's a girl to do?

* * *

After laying in bed and trying to fall back asleep, I finally just got up just before Daniela did and took her with me into my office so that we didn't wake up Britt.

I just needed to think and pray.

I held Daniela in my arms and looked down at her sweet face and thought about how hurt Mami must have been when I had struck her...twice. Papi would have killed me for touching her. I was beyond ashamed of myself.

What kind of monster had I become?

No matter how hard I tried to focus on a solution to all this nonsense, the more my mind zoomed around and tried to focus on other things, like what if the judge wanted to make an example out of me?

What if I got a life sentence?

What if my kids hated me?

I was becoming more discouraged the longer I sat there alone.

What was I thinking, trying to solve this on my own?

My imagination was on hyper speed and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to think optimistically, the constant questions were breaking down my resolve.

I didn't want to do this.

I didn't want to abandon my kids...they were my life.

* * *

My mind halted when the phone began buzzing. I placed Dani safely on my lap and picked up my phone.

**_Hey...we really need to talk!-Arita_**

**_Call me then, I'm awake.-Ana_**

My heart was racing as I picked Daniela back up and held her in the crook of my arm. I needed her right now because I felt a tremor start in my hand. I knew what would happen next and I was terrified to go through it again.

The baby finally woke up when she was near my boob so I got her all set up. I couldn't deny her anything right now and if she wanted to eat again, it was fine by me.

I had just gotten her situated when my phone started to vibrate again.

I quickly grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear.

* * *

_"Hey, Ari...how are you feeling?" _

_"Let's cut to the chase. I'm not calling about me. This is about you and what you are about to do. Tell me, are you really going to turn yourself in?"_ she said in a crackly voice.

_"I...um...I think so. How did you know about that?"_

It seemed like the whole world was communicating behind my back and I really didn't like it. Ari didn't need to be worrying about me while she was going through her first round of chemo but apparently it didn't matter.

_"Quinn called me and asked me if I had talked to Marco. Carlos had just come from seeing him when she called. You can't do this, Ana."_ I could hear the strain in her voice, she was fighting tears.

_"It's too late...too many people know."_ I said as I looked towards my baby girl and saw that she was staring at me kind of hard as if she was trying to communicate with me.

It was haunting how much she looked like Ian, even more so than Isaac. I knew that he would agree with Ari and right now I was agreeing with her too but it was too late.

_"Think about your kids Anita, this is going to mark them for life. Marco wanted to pass along a message to you...he wants you to come see him before you do anything stupid. I think you should go." _

_"So he can convince me not to go?"_

_"Look, I'm totally understanding that Catholic guilt that you are carting around because I have that too, I get it but if you think that you have something to atone for, more than Marco, then you are insane. He doesn't want you to get pulled away from your kids. He doesn't want you to go down because of what he did."_

_"You sound like my mom."_

_"That's amazing. Your mom is by far one of the smartest people that I have ever met, Anita. Yes, she was absent and she was a bit neglectful but she is a damn good lawyer. Listen to her."_

_"Why are you doing this Arita? With everything that you are going through, why are you so concerned about me and my stupid mistakes?"_

_"Because ultimately, you would do it for me."_ she said with a quiver in her voice.

_"Please don't cry."_ I whispered as my heart leapt.

_"I feel really strongly about this. Only God is the true judge of you and I think that you should not go in there and confess to more than you actually did. You were an accessory...that's it. If Marco wants to take the fall...let him."_

_"I can't believe you are saying that."_

_"Well when you are close to death, some things just seem clearer. I believe the universe sets things straight, Marco needed to be right where he is now, that's why he's there. You woke up so that you could take care of those babies. Don't abandon them so easily."_

_"You think I want to?"_ I was beginning to tear up now.

_"No...but you have a hero complex Anita...you save everyone but yourself. I can't let you go down like that. If you aren't going to fight for you, then I will."_

* * *

I hung up with Ari and just sat there dumbstruck, thinking about what she had said and how much it connected with how I truly felt.

I needed my mom. I looked down at my little girl again and kissed her sleeping face. _"I promise to always protect you even when you fight me on it. Te quiero, Princesa."_ I whispered as I rocked her and stood to my feet.

I tucked Daniela into her bassinet and then made a move to head back into the office when I heard her clear her throat. I panicked for a moment but then I turned and looked at my wife.

_"Why aren't you sleeping?"_ she said with a yawn.

_"I can't sleep. Come have coffee with me?"_ I said as I held a hand out to her. She nodded and slipped out of the bed, grabbing the two baby monitors as she stood.

Britt grabbed a hold of my hand and squeezed it gently. I pulled her into the office and then proceeded to start the coffee machine that sat on top of the mini fridge.

When I was finished she pulled me down against her and held my head against her chest. I could hear her heart racing and could feel how much she never wanted to let me go.

I slid my arms around her and then looked up into her wet and bloodshot eyes.

_"I can't go down without a fight Britt."_

_"Does that mean you don't want to turn yourself in?"_

_"I want to make a deal...Before everything blew up between me and Mami, she said that she could probably barter a deal with the prosecutor. She said that what I was involved in was much bigger than just Marco and Mr. Evans and that it was probably still going on. Mami is an amazing attorney and I was stupid to not trust her instincts."_

_"Have you talked to her? Is she still going to help you after you hit her?" _

Good question.

Then I thought about the look in her eyes when she finally left. She looked remorseful and not at all angry.

It's the look that I would give one of my kids if they rejected me.

I had to try.

* * *

The phone rang four times and then nothing happened. I called again, and again and then finally on the fourth attempt she answered.

_"I'm not going to argue with you Santana."_ she said as soon as she answered.

_"Lo siento, Mami! Ayudame, por favor."_ I pleaded with her.

_"Ay, Santana, you know that I will still help you. You're my baby and I can't let you throw yourself to the wolves."_

_"Really?"_

_"If I represent you, if you really want me in your corner then you have to do everything I tell you down to the letter."_

_"Okay. I'll do whatever you say."_

_"You're sure? I'm serious, when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING."_ she stressed the last word and then the phone was silent. I looked over at Britt who was listening to the conversation with her head pressed against mine. She turned her face and then nodded at me with hopeful eyes.

_"Yes, Mami. Please?"_

_"Okay, so here is what I want you to do..."_

* * *

I never slept.

My phone call with my mother lasted through the rest of the night, two feedings and ended just as the sun was beginning to rise. I was in the shower soon after that and then I got dressed in my nicest but most modest pant suit and slapped on some heels.

In the time we talked, Mami had formulated a plan that she said would give me the best chance.

On the outside I looked calm and collected but inside, I was anxious. I knew how to project an image, Sue Sylvester had honed that part of me for years and so now I could turn it on and off at will.

So far it had been one of my most valuable assets aside from my amazing rack.

After getting dressed, I headed downstairs and sat in the guest room waiting patiently for Brittany. Mami had sent her on a mission and so now I was just supposed to be patient.

I was doing this for my kids.

For her.

That's what I had to keep remembering.

* * *

I pumped my boobs until I felt like they were going to fall off. I wouldn't have time today to take care of Daniela since I was about to run around with Mami all day long.

I wasn't sure if I would be coming back home but I wouldn't allow myself to think like that. I went about normally, I kissed my children, my wife.

I had breakfast while watching Elmo with Isaac and I fed Daniela one last time before leaving in the town-car that my mom had rented.

I was scared beyond belief when I kissed Britt on the doorstep. She held me tight around the waist and whispered softly against my neck.

_"I'm so proud of you, my songbird. I love you so much! Come back to us, okay?"_ she was fighting tears as her voice wavered. I placed a soft hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes.

_"I'm sorry that I am putting you through this, B. I love you. Just pray for me okay? Don't forget feed Dani every two hours, make sure that Rachel and Q don't kill each other and call Sandra and see how the arrangements are shaping up. Okay?"_

She nodded and then kissed my lips once more as the horn sounded.

Here goes nothing.

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

It's a mother's instinct and responsibility to take care of her children, if she is blessed enough to have them. I had several miscarriages before and after I had my one child and the day that I held my miracle baby, I swore to her that I would always protect her.

For many years, while my husband was alive, I broke that promise.

When I could, I would throw myself in front of Aden's punches and kicks.

I was a failure though when it came to Santana. I allowed a lot to go on under my nose and still did even after Aden was gone. Something changed though, around the time I looked Brittany in the eyes after she nearly killed my daughter.

I saw what the cause of my lack of attention was. Here was this girl that loved my daughter endlessly, she had broken, her mother had failed her too.

That's when I decided that I would protect both of them with everything that I had.

Of course the problem with wanting to do that once your child becomes an adult is that they don't remember how to let their parents fight their battles for them.

My daughter has been fighting her own battles since the day Marco walked into her life. He had broken her spirit with finesse and I feel responsible for it.

I wasn't going to let her just walk into a police station and hand herself over to the NYPD. That was just shortsighted.

I had a plan and we would go right to the source of all this nonsense.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Mami and I sat down at the cool metal table in the center of an interrogation room. She leaned in and then cupped her mouth with her hand.

_"Remember that anything we say in here might be heard. So let me do the talking. Okay?"_ I felt a chill run through me and nodded my head.

I sat back and looked around the cold gray room and thought about this drab place being my new home. I was picturing my kids coming to see me here and it strengthened my resolve. I was not going to end up here if I could help it.

The door buzzed and in walked Marco with a guard.

He looked scruffy but still tried to walk with the haughty demeanor. Marco has one of the strongest senses of pride that I had ever come across so this behavior didn't surprise me. The guard went and sat in the far corner of the room after handcuffing Marco's hands to the table top.

I looked into my ex-husband's eyes and didn't find what I had expected. He looked differently at me now than he ever had. He had compassion on his face as he looked me over and then he looked at my mom, who always treated him with a cold indifference.

_"What can I do for you ladies?"_ he said with no hint of malice.

_"What's the status of your case?"_ Mami said bluntly.

_"Ahh...I see...well, Gladys, I simply told them the truth, how I killed that girl and how I dumped her body. I led them to her and they found my DNA all over her. What was surprising was that they only found my DNA given how much that girl got around that night."_

He was hinting at something. The cops knew nothing about me.

* * *

_"Wait, are you sure?"_ I said in shock. Mami squeezed my leg under the table and shot me a warning glare before looking back towards Marco. He was smirking.

_"See Ana, being controlled looks good on you."_ I swallowed the nausea in my mouth.

_"Why did you turn yourself in?"_ Mami asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

_"Something broke in me...seeing your daughter in that hospital looking so sick...knowing that she died on the table two times, knowing that to this day she is probably still craving the blow. I fucked her up and I caused a lot of bad things to happen. I needed to atone for what I did. I killed that girl."_

_"Have you already been tried?"_

_"Yes. Quick and swift...I made a deal, ten years and I sang like a birdie."_

_"What about all the girls that worked for you?"_

_"Immunity. I may have been disbarred but I still know how to work the system."_

_"Look, I'm just concerned for my daughter, how this might effect her in her future career and as your ex-wife."_

_"It shouldn't effect her at all unless she wants it to. If I were her..."_ he looked me straight in my eyes with a pleading glance, _"I would spend my energy taking care of her kids. Maybe even leave this rotten city. I just want Ana to keep her nose clean."_ he nodded at me and then looked at Gladys. _"I'm really sorry for what I put your family through. My prima reminded me the other night of just how important family is. I had forgotten."_

* * *

I sat in the car and just stared out of the window thinking about what Marco had said. Mami had stayed behind to talk to him a little more after I left, mainly things about what he needed in his commissary. She was doing what we Lopez's do best, she was paying him off.

Covering her bases.

The door to the car opened and my mother stepped inside with an air of confidence.

She looked over at me and I met her eyes.

_"Put your seatbelt on."_

_"Not yet...I need to talk about this."_ I said as I placed a hand on the steering wheel.

_"Right here?"_

_"Mami...do you think this is over? That we can just walk away so easily? I don't trust him."_

_"Yea...me either. I talked to him some more, asked him about the places you guys went that night, about cameras and people that you might come across. He says that the issue stayed between the two of you until you said something. I believed him. He told them that he had a friend help him dump the body...he said that he couldn't locate that person though. They know it was a woman and they are looking for her...for you. So you can either talk to the cops or go home. Either way I'm here to support you."_

_"What does he think that I should do?"_

_"He told you. He wants you to keep your nose clean. Stay out of it."_

_"And you?"_

_"I think that if you turn yourself in, you will get probation, maybe a few months. It would be months of heartache and turmoil. It's entirely up to you mija. Whatever you think will be able to absolve your conscience. Just know that if you want to go into politics...someone could dig this up."_

I dropped my head and nodded in agreement.

She was right.

_"Take me to the precinct."_

_"Your sure?"_

_"Yes." _I said with finality.

_"Call Brittany."_

* * *

Even with Britt crying in my ear and my baby crying in the background, I still insisted on going to the precinct. I know that calling Britt was a last ditch effort to get me to not go to the station but I realized that I would rather deal with the consequences while my children are still babies rather than when they are older. I wanted to be able to put this behind us.

_"So, I have bail money prepared and Sal is waiting to hear what the amount is so that he can post it. I support what you are doing mija, it's selfless. I'm proud of you for sticking to your beliefs."_

_"Thanks Mami."_

_"I don't want you to go in there and talk about the liquid bleach. Marco has already been charged for the killing. You are an accessory...try to stay that way. You helped him carry the body to the car and then you went with him while he dumped it. Did you ever assist in the actual disposal?"_

I was nauseous as I listened to my mother talk so clinically about this.

_"No...I helped him clean the place, carry her to the car and then I stayed in the car while he did whatever he did, then I took the car to get detailed the next day."_

_"Okay. Stick to that story Santana, don't let them bully you, understand? They are going to try and get things out of you that may have not happened. Marco already told us that they don't know much about you. Keep it that way."_

_"Okay."_

_"Alright, we're here. Leave your phone with me." _I handed her my phone and then I reached around my neck and pulled out Ian's rosary.

_"Here Mami, hold this for me...if I get stuck here...give it to Britt...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Mami and I walked into the precinct hand in hand and requested to see the captain. The officer looked at us suspiciously but after calling into the captain he led us down a narrow hallway and left us outside a door.

I looked at Mami and smiled.

_"Thank you again for having my back. I'm sorry that I hit you." _I said sincerely.

_"It's what a mother does. You were under a lot of stress so I understand you lashing out but don't ever make the mistake again. Understand?"_

She cocked her eyebrow and looked at me from the corner of her eye. I took a deep breath and nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"Santana Lopez."_ I lifted my head and looked up at the woman who called my name.

I knew her face immediately.

And apparently she remembered mine.

* * *

_"Captain Dominguez."_ I said quietly, _"How are you?"_ Suddenly, I regretted allowing Mami to pick where we went.

_"Come into my office."_ she said as she held the door open for us.

Mami shot me a look as we walked into the office. The door shut quietly behind us and then I followed Mami's lead and sat in a chair in front of the marble desk. Captain Dominguez leaned against the side of her desk but she didn't sit. She was staring me in the eyes and then she slowly looked towards my mother.

_"Hello, I'm Captain Nina Dominguez, and you are?"_ she said holding out her hand.

Mami grabbed her hand and shook it firmly before responding.

_"Gladys Lopez, Esquire, I'm Santana's mother."_

Captain Dominguez looked back at me with a tight smile on her face. Her eyes kept looking me over and then every few seconds she would look over at Mami.

_"Before you give me whatever spiel you two cooked up, I just want to say that I already know why you are here. I've seen the tapes. I recognized Santana immediately, I found out that she had just given birth and was fresh out of the hospital so I wanted to give her time before bringing her in."_

_"How do you know my daughter?"_

Captain Dominguez looked over at me and my heart sank. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and then looked at my mother with a remorseful face.

_"I got picked up with the other...I was on the corner and I got picked up by a cop. I was high and a little drunk...Captain Dominguez let me sleep it off in the drunk tank instead of booking me. I promised her that it was a one time thing."_

_"So imagine my surprise when you showed up in a murder investigation."_

_"We would like to handle this quietly, if at all possible."_

_"So I'm right to assume that you are turning yourself in?" _Captain Dominguez looked at me with both eyebrows raised.

_"Yes...I helped him clean up and carry the girl to the car and then I took it to get detailed the next day."_

_"But you didn't kill her?"_

_"No." _I was happy that I was able to say that with a straight face. I had been told so many times by the people around me that I didn't kill her that I was actually starting to believe it myself.

_"So why not just turn yourself in with one of my officers...why come see me?"_

_"I didn't want them to bully my daughter into a false confession. I wanted her to give her statement to you."_

_"Understandable. Well, lets get that out of the way so that we can get you booked and fingerprinted."_

* * *

I wrote only what Mami had told me to. I was honest in everything but my involvement in the supply of the drugs. I swallowed how I felt about that and tried to be as detailed as I could otherwise.

After I signed the paper I followed the captain out onto the floor and over to booking.

I was searched, I had my picture taken, I was fingerprinted and then I was taken down to the bottom level and held in a cell all by myself.

Mami's real work had begun, when she hugged me before they took me away, she whispered in my ear.

_"Don't get too comfortable...I'm going to get you a bail hearing before the day is over."_

_"Tell Britt that I love her."_

_"That won't be necessary but if I can't get your a hearing I will tell her."_

_"Thank you...for everything."_

* * *

So now I sat, on the cot and stared at the wall.

I thought about everything that I had been through that had led me here and found that I didn't regret this.

Not one bit!

I knew that my kids would be proud of me.

And that's all that mattered.

This was better than being dead or on a crack binge in some alley way.

This was better than the abuse or the lies.

I closed my eyes and began to drift off into a peaceful rest.

I was so tired.

* * *

_"You know they say only the guilty sleep in jail."_ I heard a gruff voice say. I snapped awake and looked between the bars at one of the cops.

_"Yea? Well I did turn myself in."_ I said as I brought my legs up in a cross legged position and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.

_"Your bail hearing is in five minutes. Ready?"_

_"Yes." _

_"I need you to put your hands through the slot so that I can cuff you, it's just procedure in these kind of cases."_

I stood up and onto my stocking covered feet. They had considered my stilettos a weapon and took them from me.

_"Can I get my shoes back by any chance?"_

_"Once I get you cuffed."_

_"Thanks."_ I said as I put my hands through the slot. He was very delicate with me and I really appreciated it. I knew that he was checking me out but I acted like I didn't notice.

_"So you are Marco Vega's ex-wife?"_ Vernon asked as he helped me into my shoes.

_"Yes...unfortunately."_ I said with a wince.

_"He was here when they booked him for murder. Looks like he can be pretty vicious."_

_"You can't even imagine."_ I said quietly.

* * *

I felt a strange allegiance to Marco, he was sacrificing himself for me in many ways, he owed it to me...and so I couldn't berate him. He was an asshole but he was MY asshole.

I saw something in him earlier that morning that told me that I couldn't quite trust him but I could forgive him. He wouldn't go through all this to turn on me...he didn't want to be in prison but he sacrificed his freedom anyway.

Even with his harsh demeanor...he was doing this out of the love that I knew he had for me somewhere beneath all the darkness in his soul. He always said that I reminded him of his mother.

Ari says the same thing.

Maybe it's true, maybe not.

What I do know though, is that everyone deserves forgiveness.

Quinn's always saying how a person shouldn't expect forgiveness if they aren't willing to forgive others.

She had a point.

A point that I had never understood more than in that moment.

* * *

**Gladys' POV**

* * *

I got an opportunity to talk to the prosecutor and even put in a call to Marco's lawyer.

They really didn't want to go to trial.

Marco had done such a great job convincing them of his crimes and then turned in some pretty big people, she said that they weren't really concerned with my daughter but because she came forward they were going to have to follow through with the charges.

I was going to do everything that I could to make sure that she was back home with my grandchildren before the day was through but it seemed that the judge didn't quite agree.

_"I have it on good authority that she may be a flight risk."_ I was in the judges quarters and felt a rage going through my veins.

_"Your honor, her getting on a plane right now is a guarantee. Her sister and two nephews just died yesterday in Los Angeles. She's going to want to pay her final respects."_

_"How am I sure that she will return?"_

_"I will make sure of it."_

_"One week, I will grant her a one week stay on the case but after that she must report back and get fitted with an ankle monitor. I want her on house arrest until we iron out this case."_

_"Thank you, your honor."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I sat in the courtroom listening to my case essentially be tossed aside for a later date. I was confused and shocked. This was a pretty big deal to me, a pretty big stressor in my life.

_"I don't get it Mami."_ I whispered as the judge shuffled through her papers.

_"She's pushing it off so that you can go to LA...don't argue. Unless you would rather not pay your last respect to your sister and the boys."_

I sat there dumbstruck.

I forgot.

Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart was thumping slowly in my throat. Of all places for this to finally hit me, why the courtroom. I zoned out the rest of the time. I kept thinking of little Brendan's sweet face and how his eyes would light up every time he saw me and Ethan, the oldest of all the cousins was so proud and strong.

I had lost a sister.

So even as I was uncuffed and allowed to leave with Mami, I still felt like I was trapped.

My thoughts had me locked in a vice.

I had one week to say goodbye and enjoy freedom before I was placed under house arrest.

Mami kept trying to tell me how amazing it was that I got house arrest, since all I really wanted to do was be with my kids and had I been in my right mind I would have agreed, but instead I cried.

I sobbed all the way back home.

* * *

Britt was waiting at the door for me when we got to the house, with a huge smile on her face.

She was like a beacon of light.

I went flying into her arms and openly wept on my front stoop not caring who saw.

Right now, every moment needed to revolve around my family.

I had come too close to losing them.

Life was too short to not learn from your mistakes.

* * *

**A/N: Review...any errors are strictly mine and surely my new beta will come along and save me from a poorly written chapter ;)**


	38. Chapter 38:God Gave Me You

**A/N: I really liked giving you guys multiple POVs a few chapters ago, so I am going to do it again. Enjoy! This take place over two days, just an FYI...it will be in time ordered sequence! **

**Thanks for reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 38: God Gave Me You (Blake Shelton)**

* * *

**_She was like a beacon of light._**

**_I went flying into her arms and openly wept on my front stoop not caring who saw._**

**_Right now, every moment needed to revolve around my family._**

**_I had come too close to losing them._**

**_Life was too short to not learn from your mistakes._**

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I stood at the top of the stairs when Britt closed the door behind San.

I watched as she slid to the floor against the door and cried into her hands, harder than I had ever seen.

She was so scared...she needed a friend.

I made my way down the stairs and knelt beside her just like I had at the hospital. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest like I'd done with Beth the day before. I rubbed her arms and kissed her head. I didn't shush her or speak, I just let her get out her tears.

_"This is so hard."_ she mumbled into her hands. _"I'm trying to hold it together but it's like every time we get to a good place...I lose her! We should have never come here! I think we need to leave New York."_

How could I tell her that if San got locked up or was released on probation that New York would just be their home for awhile?

I couldn't.

It broke my heart to see how they were struggling through.

I was speechless and then in that moment I thought of something.

_"Hey B...do you want to go to mass with me?"_

I knew that Gladys took her all the time in Lima but I hadn't really seen her go to church since then, other than the chapel at the hospital.

* * *

_"Today? What if Ana comes back?"_ she lifted her head and looked at me with a half smile and watery eyes.

_"It will be an hour tops and Gladys said she would call."_

_"Okay. Should we take Rachel?"_

_"Um...she's Jewish, Britt."_

_"So was Jesus."_ Britt looked at me like I had lost my mind.

_"Right...your right. I'll go tell her."_

_"Okay. I'll get the kids ready."_

Britt was up on her feet in a flash.

* * *

This was a good distraction for her.

Hopefully, praying for San would give her that bit of faith to continue holding San up the way that she needed.

I mean sure I was prepared to help my best friend through in tough times but with Celia going through this major loss too.

I didn't know if I could handle both of them at once.

Especially with Rachel in the mix.

God help us all!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Quinn was right, coming to church really did help.

I felt closer to Ana when I was in that big open space.

This whole situation scared me so much and what hurt the most was that I felt helpless.

Fixing things was something that I used to be good at but now, I am like everyone else on my new medicine.

I mean yea, I finally understand what the heck people are talking about and stuff but it also means that I can't ignore things so easily.

My optimism ain't what it used to be.

What I needed it to be...but being in the church helped a whole lot!

Now all I need is to go home and make sure that our babies are happy. I'm glad that Quinn stuck around and didn't leave with Celia because otherwise I may have gotten depressed and fallen into old habits.

That would not be good!

It would only make things worse.

* * *

I had just gotten both the kids fed and down for a nap when Ana called me. I could hear the shaking in her voice but I acted like I didn't notice. I stayed as optimistic as possible even though it was killing me inside. She was scared.

I missed the days when I thought that nothing could scare Santana Lopez.

Those days before addictions, marriages, and cheating. When it was just the two of us...happy.

When I hung up with her I threw my phone clear across the room and cracked the screen. It didn't matter, not really but when you have been through anger issues like I have, when you nearly kill the person that you love because of sparks like that, it becomes an issue.

Quinn came running into the room and ended up stepping right on the phone, rendering it useless. She looked at me with confused eyes but didn't say anything. She just looked over her shoulder and then back at me.

_"Britt...sweetie...did you throw your phone?"_ I hated when she talked to me like I was stupid.

_"Obviously."_ I said as I curled in on myself.

_"Why? What happened?"_

She was standing over me now as I turned to face the back of the sofa and curled even further into the it.

I was in Ana's office.

It smelled like her and I needed to feel close to her.

_"She's headed to the station...she...she's turning herself in."_

I expected tears to come but there weren't any.

I was just angry.

_"Britt...did you take your medicine today?"_ Rachel's voice was in the room now.

Great!

I didn't answer not because I was trying to hide something, it was because I honestly didn't remember.

Had I?

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

This had to be a test of some sort.

I had selfishly shown up on Santana's doorstep hoping to get some sympathy and attention from both of my former flames but that wasn't what happened.

I had to stand on the sidelines while everything fell apart and I knew better than to make things about myself.

Of course, it did help that Quinn had cornered me my first night and threatened me.

She pressed me against the wall and gritted her teeth with anger in her eyes and told me that if I wasn't on my best behavior she would kick me out and call my dads.

How she had known that I didn't tell them, I wasn't quite sure...but I didn't want them finding out about NYADA.

That just couldn't happen.

I would do everything in my power to keep Quinn distracted.

Everything.

* * *

I was working hard to stay on Quinn's good side because with Santana going through so much and Brittany busy with the babies, Quinn was kind of in charge of things at the house.

She seemed insanely moody all morning, especially when she looked at me, so I tried my best to stay out of her way.

So when she came into my new room and told me to get dressed because we were going to church, I didn't argue. I was raised with my dad Leroy teaching me about Christianity and my dad Hiram teaching me about Judaism.

They let me choose and so I chose to stick with my roots and decided kosher was the way for me.

This wasn't my first time in a church but I still panicked a little inside.

Just for a moment.

We walked together as little family towards the end of the block where the biggest Catholic church that I ever saw sat. When we walked inside, I felt so out of place.

I mean you can kind of just look at me and tell that I'm Jewish...right?

Santana had always made it a point to declare it in high school...so it must have been obvious.

* * *

I had been sober for over twelve hours and so when I sat in the pews, sandwiched between Quinn and Brittany, I fought really heard not to make too much noise.

My stomach was in knots and my throat was burning.

I was craving the numbness of alcohol.

Santana was right...I had a problem.

In the middle of the mass, Quinn put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to her, so that my ear was close to her mouth.

_"You are reminding of San when she craves drugs. We are all worried about you...I hope you go to rehab."_

She released me and then moved to sit a little closer to me.

She held my hand for the rest of the service and when Isaac saw that he leaned over from her lap and put his hand there too.

It was the cutest thing ever.

With a kid like that, I could see why Santana was fighting to stay sober.

But what was my reason?

I didn't know anymore.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Why are you calling me?"_ I said softly into the phone. I was trying but failing to ignore my migraine. I had finally fallen asleep after endless vomiting after my first round of chemo and now my phone was waking me up.

_"I thought you said you could convince her not to turn herself in?"_ Marco said just as quietly but for different reasons.

_"You know even if you whisper, they are still recording the conversation."_

_"Look, she came by here...I know the look in her eyes...she is going to do it anyway. I'm just worried about her okay?"_ he was getting annoyed but he was still quiet.

_"Who told you about the cancer?"_ I asked as I pushed out a shaky breath.

_"Carlos."_

_"He shouldn't have."_

_"Well you know why he did and I would do it in a heartbeat for you. All the drama aside, I just want you to kick this, Mamita."_

_"Ahhh...your softer side...why would you do that?"_

_"Sangre." _Blood.

_"Yea literally."_ I laughed at my own joke.

_"I'm serious...you are my family and that means a lot to me. I know I get crazy but believe me when I tell you that after hearing that song...you know that night? It took me back to when Mami was alive and I looked at my life since then and she would be so disappointed in me. That's why I need to make things right...so you find out about that bone marrow and I will get tested to make sure I'm clean...and I will give it to you in a heartbeat."_

* * *

I laid in my hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling trying not to throw up my whole stomach when I heard a knock on the door. My throat was too raw to speak so I didn't. I was too tired to move so if they wanted to come in they would just have to do it on their own.

Moments later I heard the clicking of shoes and cracked an eye open. I groaned when opening my eye meant shooting pains in my head. I clenched my eyes closed again and just waited for her to come closer.

_"Hello Ariana."_ Rachel said sweetly.

_"Hi."_ I whispered. I felt her hovering but I refused to open my eyes again.

_"I'm sorry that I never called you back. My world kind of fell...God...I'm sorry. Stuff was just bad with me."_

_"You're sober." _I said as I maintain closed eyes.

_"Yes. A condition of living at Santana's house."_

My eyes snapped open and I groaned when the pain shot through me but I didn't close them again.

_"What?"_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Don't ask stupid questions...now...tell me what happened." _

I took a deep breath and sat up against my pillows. I looked into her eyes anxiously because I couldn't imagine why she would decide to move in there. Her and Anita didn't mix well especially after Rachel slept with Brittany. So this was shocking!

* * *

_"Well, you know I had that meeting with Madam Tibideaux and I totally bombed it. She gave me a second chance and before I could even leave the building I had drank my whole flask in anticipation of my upcoming meeting. She saw me in the hall drunk and had me dismissed from the school. Kurt found me because a friend of his had seen me squatting in the hall crying. I went to Sonny's got even more drunk, he kicked me out and dumped me. I got back to school to pack and my stuff was in the hall. I got evicted. So I walked around the city trying to think about where to go, I was going to come to you at NYU but then I remembered that I hadn't called you. So I headed towards Columbia, some guy shoved me to the ground and tried to sexually assault me, I began to scream and so he took my suitcase and my phone and he ran. I had nothing and nowhere to go...then I realized that I wasn't too far from Santana's so...I went there."_

_"Wow...are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine. It's you I'm here to see Ari. Is there anything that I can do?"_

_"Are you...gonna stop drinking for good?" _I looked at her shocked expression.

_"Should I?"_

_"Only you can answer that."_

_"Ari, please...be honest...do you think I'm turning into an alcoholic?"_

_"Yes...I think you are one." _

_"Can I tell you something?"_

_"Anything."_

_"I'm scared."_

I reached over and grabbed her hand. She looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and I could see the fear and realization in them.

_"It's okay to be scared. It means that you care. That's big for you."_

_"Do you really think I'm that selfish?"_ I didn't respond, I just raised my eyebrows and looked at her. _"Okay...I am, totally. I need to stop that don't I?"_ she smiled and so did I.

_"I love you Rachel." _

_"Yea? Even though I'm a drunken college dropout?"_

_"Yea."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"So you identified the bodies? Is Sandra okay?"_

_"Not really...with her just losing her baby...this is even tougher on her."_

_"What? When?" _

_"God...Ana that was the day you had Daniela. Did you not notice?"_

_"I didn't...I'm such a bad sister! God...what the fuck is wrong with me?"_

How had I as someone who has been pregnant twice, not noticed that my sister had lost her baby bump?

I felt like shit as I paced my office while breast feeding Daniela and listening to Celia tell me about the arrangements.

I had been back home for a few hours now, when I got home I saw Britt for about an hour before she left to go meet with Tony.

Quinn had thankfully taken Isaac to the park, so it was just me and the baby.

* * *

_"It's not a big deal Ana."_

_"She needed me."_

_"We were all there with her...we held her all night long."_

_"Ok. Fine. I'm not going to belabor the point. Just tell me when the funeral is so that I can tell the judge."_

_"And what happens after that?"_

_"The clock starts ticking."_

_"We've been trying to figure out how to do it so that Mari can be there."_

_"Are we sure she can't fly?"_

_"It's not about the baby...she just could go into labor."_

_"But both her and Saul are doctors...I'm sure they could handle it."_

_"On a commercial flight?"_

_"I'll charter a flight if I have to. Mari should be there."_

_"I'll talk to Sandra and Mari. You just focus on the babies. Ok?"_

_"Thanks Ceily."_

_"Now tell me...how's my girl doing?"_

_"I don't know...I saw her all of five minutes. She took Isaac to the park."_

_"You don't think anything will happen do you?"_

_"I hope not. Britt put her up on the third floor since we were occupying the room on the first floor."_

_"What? Quinn didn't tell me that."_

_"Shit...look I'll move her downstairs. Stop worrying. Focus on our getting Mari back to LA."_

_"Fine...shit...just keep an eye on things and move Rachel!"_

_"Ok!"_

_"I'm fucking serious."_

_"I know that!"_

* * *

I put Daniela in her bassinet and then climbed in the shower hoping to wash off the day. I hadn't even wanted to touch my baby like this but she was hungry and the phone was ringing.

As I was drying off I heard our bedroom door shut and then footsteps. I smiled when I heard my wife humming softly.

She knocked and then tried the door knob. I had locked it.

_"Ana? Please..."_

she whispered, probably thinking I was crying or something.  
_  
_I opened the door and stepped out in my towel. She examined my face and then pulled me into her arms.

I didn't care that she was still a little sweaty and she didn't care that I was still wet from the shower.

She kissed my lips so hard that I felt like they were going to bruise.

I had missed it more than breathing.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"What do you mean? Of course I'm really at the playground with Izzy."_

_"Where's Rachel?"_

_"She's up in Ari's hospital room."_

_"So you are at the hospital playground?"_

_"Look...honey...I just came to meet her so that I could keep an eye on her. She's in a vulnerable place right now."_

_"And I'm not?"_ she screeched in my ear.

_"Don't you dare go there! Fuck you Ceily! I offered to go with you, to be with you and you told me to stay. You fucking insisted!"_

_"Fuck!"_ My head spun to the side when I heard Izzy repeat what I said.

_"Was that my nephew cursing?"_

_"San is going to kill me...see what you drove me to? Look...I'll be there this weekend, I will not sleep with Rachel. So stop worrying."_

_"Fine."_

"Fuck!" Izzy said again, this time drawing the attention of a mother on a bench near us.

_"I have to go. I love you."_ I hung up and switched Izzy from my hip and held him in front of me.

_"Bad word."_ I said...hoping that he would understand.

_"Fuck."_ he said back to me with a grin.

_"Your Mami is going to kill me."_

_"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."_ he kept repeating.

I don't even really curse...of all the things for him to pick up why that!

* * *

_"He really likes that word."_ Rachel said as I pushed Izzy in his stroller. She had her arm looped with mine and was leaning her head on my shoulder.

Izzy kept singing out the word fuck like it was his new mantra.

Maybe San would think it was funny.

_"Yea...I wish he didn't. I tried to teach him other words like duck...which I'm sure B would have liked or luck...anything to get him to stop saying it but he just keeps saying it."_

_"It would have happened eventually with the way Santana talks."_

_"Yea but that would have been on her. I am his godmother...I'm not supposed to teach him those things."_

_"It's not the worst thing in the world."_

_"Look...right now San...she needs happiness and low stress and this right here is not low stress. How can she go to a funeral with a little baby that doesn't know how to stop cursing?"_

Rachel was silent after that.

I had made my point.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What did he just say?" _Ana was sitting in the glider feeding Dani and I was putting on Izzy's pajamas. I had been thinking about some dance moves I wanted to try and honestly hadn't been paying attention to Izzy's rambling.

_"Huh?" _I said as I looked down at my son who was trying to stand on his feet.

_"He just...never mind it must be my imagination." _Ana said quietly.

_"Oh...okay." _

I pulled up the little zipper on Izzy's fuzzy pj's and was about to place him in his crib when I heard it loud and clear.

_"Mama...fuck!" _he screeched. I looked at him in shock and then over at Ana.

She was sitting up completely with her eyes squinted.

_"I knew that I wasn't just hearing things!"_

_"Where did he learn that?" _I said looking over at her.

_"I don't know. I don't curse around him. Did you?"_

_"Um...no...he never said that word before today."_

_"Quinn." _she muttered.

* * *

_"Huh?"_

_"She took him to the park earlier and then came here and dropped him off because she was late for class."_

_"She doesn't have class on Mondays."_

_"She looked all panicky like she did when she got knocked up."_

_"You don't think he learned it from her do you?"_

_"I know he learned it from her!"_

I gave Izzy his sippy cup and then took Dani from Ana and put her in her new crib that sat just across from Izzy's. We were trying to get her to start sleeping in her big crib. She was getting too big for the bassinet already.

_"Lets go talk with her." _I said as I helped Ana to her feet.

_"I'm going to do more than talk! I want to kick her ass." _Ana had her arms crossed over her chest and looked like that angry Cheerio again.

* * *

We were in the kitchen making a late dinner for ourselves when Rachel and Quinn came into the kitchen hand in hand. Ana had been sitting in the breakfast nook reading and waiting for them. I looked over at her and shot her a warning look but she rolled her eyes.

_"Hey Blondie! Come sit with me."_

Quinn froze and looked at me and I just nodded. She looked panicked again and then looked at Ana with a small smile.

_"Um...I have a ton of homework."_

_"Bullshit...or should I say Fuck." _Ana said as she glared at Quinn.

_"I'm so sorry, San. It was an accident. I was arguing with Celia...she thinks I'm screwing Rachel." _Quinn looked down at her hand in Rachel's and suddenly pulled it away from her. My wife had her eyebrow raised and was now glaring at Rachel.

_"You starting trouble Berry?"_

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

I looked at Santana as she tried to pin this all on me and just shook my head. I didn't want any trouble.

_"No...simply talking to Quinn...reminiscing and listening to her woes...nothing more."_

_"Woes, Huh?"_ Santana had that smirk and cocked eyebrow that drives me insane. Like she rules the planet or something.

_"Look, you were nice enough to let me stay here and I am not willing to jeopardize that for a trist with Quinn...not matter how hot I think she is."_

_"Get whatever stuff you have..."_ she paused and my heart began to race, what had I done...crap! _"and move to the guest room down here. I think it works better for everyone if you and Quinn aren't so close in vicinity. Wouldn't want you to be tempted."_

* * *

My heart slowed...that wasn't so bad.

I nodded and swiftly left the room before she changed her mind.

Ari had made me promise to be on my best behavior and I wasn't going to let her down.

She gave me hope that we may get back together and right now, I'll do anything she asks to get back with her.

I think that I am in love with her.

* * *

I didn't really have much to move...a small plastic bag had my toothbrush...wallet and my brush. I had been borrowing Quinn's clothes. I was secretly glad to be getting a little further from Quinn. It seemed like she was getting to the point with Celia that she would sleep with me again to be spiteful.

I didn't want any part in that again.

Rehab was really starting to sound like someplace that I wanted to be on a permanent basis.

I grabbed my plastic bag and made my way back to the kitchen.

The three of them were eating and had served me a plate too.

If you had told me back in Sophomore year that I would be sitting eating dinner with the unholy trinity, I would have sent you to the nurse after giving you a full dissertation on the impossibility of it.

But here I was sliding into the booth table and looking across the table straight into Santana Lopez's cool glare.

_"Can I talk to you about something, Santana?"_ I asked as I stabbed at my salad.

_"Of course."_ her non sarcastic response threw me off for a second but I decided to just go along with it. One should never pass up this kind of opportunity.

_"I was thinking about what you said to me last night and then I saw Ariana this afternoon. I really think that I would like to enter a rehab facility as soon as possible."_

_"Yea?"_ she said as she daintly placed her fork down and sat up straight. She looked me straight in the eye with a blank expression. _"When do you want to go?"_

_"Now."_

_"If you are serious...I'll take you myself...right now."_

_"Yes, please. While I am ever grateful for your hospitality, I am dreading the day that you all fly to LA and leave me here to my own devices. I know that I'll be drunk before your plane leaves the ground. So right now, if you wouldn't mind."_

_"Eat and then we'll go."_

_"Thank you, Santana." _

_"Eat."_ she grunted before returning to her food.

I looked at her and saw her flash me a smile and wink.

I liked this change in her.

Where was this Santana in high school?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Thanks for coming here to see me."_

_"It was on the way."_

_"Bullshit."_

_"Okay fine...I needed to see you with a fiery burning passion! Is that what you wanted to hear?" _I cracked a smile and held my arms open. Ana fell into my arms and rested her upper body against mine.

_"I'm glad you finally admitted it."_ I chuckled as I held her tighter because I knew she would pull away. So when she tried she couldn't move.

_"You're awfully strong for someone that just went through radiation." _

_"Yea well...I'm a dancer...we are some really strong people."_

_"Don't I know it!" _she whispered against my ear before kissing my ear lobe and pulling away while I was wrapped up in the sensation of her lips.

_"No fair!" _I chuckled and pushed her away.

_"All's fair in love." _she whispered.

_"And war?"_ I asked.

_"No just in love."_ she said with a smile before taking my hand in hers.

_"Don't say those things."_ I whispered.

_"I'm sorry. Shit...I know better. You're too good for me anyway, Arita."_

_"Bullshit."_

_"You are. I'm so screwed up!"_

_"And I'm not?"_

_"Not even close!"_

* * *

_"How are you handling everything?"_

_"Just barely holding on but I have to stay strong...everyone needs me. Even Rachel needed me."_

_"And me?"_

_"I am open to you forever and always, whether you need me or not...you and Britt and even Quinn don't count. No my family needs me and Rachel...she...I'm glad she agreed to rehab." _Ana sighed as she leaned forward on her elbows.

_"I am glad that she decided that too."_

_"I hope that she sticks with it."_

_"You know Rachel, she becomes determined when she has something in her head and knows that people are counting on her."_

_"That was before the booze but now...she's different Ari. She's not Lima Rachel anymore...this person is different. All of her confidence was like sucked out of her at some point."_

_"I've been there with her, those people at that school are ruthless. Most of them don't have half her talent but they are more cutthroat. If she had been a Cheerio at some point she would have been able to handle it...she would have that ruthless drive that you and Quinn and even Brittany has."_

_"You think so?"_

_"I know so."_

_"I'm sure Sue would love to hear that."_

* * *

_"So tell me...what do are the doctors saying?" _she asked after we danced around the subject of my diagnosis.

_"I need another transplant."_

_"Marco."_

_"I know that it sounds crazy...but I really don't want to ask him again...even though he has already offered."_

_"No...I can understand. So what do you want to do?"_

_"I want to dance and my pride can step aside...I'm going to ask him."_

_"I can if you want."_

_"NO! You need to stay away from him. Promise me?"_

She hesitated when she saw how desperate, I suddenly seemed.

_"Um...ok."_

_"You are in more trouble than you realize Anita...stay away from Marco. There are a lot of people watching you."_

_"What the fuck does that mean? Should I be scared for my life? For my children?" _

Her eyes were big and wild all of a sudden.

_"Don't panic."_

_"Too late!"_ she said as she stood to her feet and grabbed her purse._ "I need to go...there won't be bomb strapped to my car will there?"_

_"I didn't mean it like that...relax."_

_"You may not have meant it like that but I know who Marco was wrapped up in...I know them personally...if what I am thinking is even halfway accurate...I'm in a shitload of trouble."_

_"Just stay away from Marco and you'll be fine. Trust me."_

_"Okay." she said before dropping a kiss on my cheek. "I'm going to head home and I'll text you when I get there. I love you!" _she leaned in and went to kiss my cheek again but I turned my face so that I could catch her lips.

She had used this tactic to calm me after my audition and now I was using it to calm her before she headed home.

When her lips touched mine I could feel the twitching and then I felt a wetness touch my face, but the tears were not my own.

I pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back.

_"I'm just so tired...my life...I just want to go live a boring existence in the mountains or something."_

_"You and me both."_

_"I'm okay. I'll text you." _she pulled away and dried her face as quickly and discreetly as possible. She slipped on her sunglasses even though it was dark outside and then walked from the room.

_"I love you, Anita!" _I called just as the door was closing.

My heart sat in my throat as I looked at the closed door but then it lept when she poked her head back in and raised her glasses and winked with a smirk on her face.

_"I love you too, Arita!"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

When I got back home from the hospital the house was deathly quiet.

I hated it.

Something just seemed off.

I climbed the stairs two at a time.

Something was definitely not right...the whole place was dark.

Britt hated the dark.

Shit.

I pushed open the door to the nursery...it was empty...like no kids empty.

_"What the fuck?"_

I turned around and headed towards the bedroom.

Empty.

_"What the hell is going on?"_

I clutched my car keys in my hand and wondered if they had left somewhere and why at ten at night?

The next was a long shot...I climbed up to the third floor but even Quinn's room was empty.

Now I was officially panicking.

_"God, please let everything be okay."_ I whispered as I made my way back to the living room to grab my phone.

I suddenly had remembered that I had to turn it off to take Rachel into the rehab and never turned it back on.

Maybe I had a message.

* * *

I had seven text messages.

_**Baby, Izzy's sick-B**_

_**He's wheezing bad...gvng him a trtmnt-B**_

_**He passed out, Wat do I do?-B**_

_**He's not brthng :(-B**_

_**Q got him brthng agn-B**_

_**On da way to the hospital-B**_

_**R u still here?-B**_

Oh God...I was shaking as I climbed back into my car.

Why now?

* * *

It was the middle of the night and we still didn't know what the status was on Izzy. I had come flying into the hospital like a mad woman looking for Brittany. Before they could point me in her direction, I heard my baby crying and turned to see Britt red faced trying to soothe Daniela.

Quinn saw me and whispered to Britt.

I walked slowly over to them and held my hands out for the baby. Instead of handing Daniela to me, Britt handed her to Quinn and then leaned into my arms instead. She needed to be held more in that moment and I totally understood. I rubbed her back as she sobbed into my shoulder.

_"He...he was coughing and then...wheezing and it just...it woke up the baby and then he wasn't breathing and...I panicked and I almost dropped Dani down the stairs but Quinn caught us. I...I'm soooo sorry!"_ she wept and I just rocked her and tried to soothe her the best that I could. I whispered softly to her and she was calming in my arms.

_"I'm not upset with you. He'll be okay. Daniela is fine okay."_ Britt nodded and then finally pulled away and took Daniela back from Quinn.

I hated that she was blaming herself...it wasn't like she did anything to make him sick like last time.

And even then it wasn't on purpose.

* * *

_"Santana Lopez?"_

I looked up from my seat in the corner, I had been trying to get Dani to latch on but she was so worked up that she wouldn't. I was getting frustrated. A doctor was standing a few feet from me. I situated myself under my jacket and then stood to my feet with my crying baby in my hands.

_"Yes? Is my son okay?" _I said as I rocked the baby.

_"He has bronchitis. I saw his history and I don't think sending him home would be the best for him."_

_"Okay but he's going to be okay right?"_

_"It's my hope...is this your other child?"_

_"Yes." _He was looking at Daniela and then back at me.

_"Have you had your house checked for mold?"_

_"Excuse me?" _I was thrown off by his question.

_"Your son's lungs were irritated and I'm wondering if it might be because of mold...it's a common problem...especially with all the dampness."_

_"So you think it might be mold? I'll get it checked out...can we see him."_

_"Yes."_

Mold? Really?

In New York? In February?

What gives? I just wanted to like freeze time and take a nap. This was all just becoming too much.

* * *

We got home as the sun was rising. It was tough to leave Isaac in a hospital once again. I hated it.

This all ultimately came back to me and my fucking drug habit.

I had been shaking for days now and trying to push it aside the best that I could.

Addiction was just not something that I had time for.

Especially since, the second I opened the door to my house, my phone rang.

_"Yes?" _I said barked into the phone at Celia.

_"Damariz had the baby."_

_"When?"_

_"Last night...looks like we can do the funeral this weekend."_

_"Great."_

_"We need you to get here as soon as you can though."_

_"Isaac is in the hospital...I don't know if I should leave."_

_"Is he okay?"_

_"Bronchitis...let me call the doctor and see how long they plan to keep him and then I'll call you back."_

* * *

I collapsed on the couch and began scrolling through my phone for the doctor's number but just when I was going to hit call, Britt came over and snatched the phone from me.

_"I want you to go upstairs and go straight to bed. I will take care of things."_

_"But B...I still have to call Celia back...book my flight...call the judge...my mom...and figure out how I am going to go to the funeral with Isaac in the hospital and a baby to breastfeed."_

_"I can do all of that...right now...I need you to let me do this. Go to bed."_

_"Um...are you sure, B?" _I whispered as I rose to my feet.

_"Don't make me repeat myself again...just go...please? Let me do this for you."_

_"Thank you, B! God only knows what I would do without you. I love you so much!" _

_"I know baby. I'll wake you in a little while...and don't worry about Dani, she has enough milk in the freezer to last her a week!"_

* * *

At some point in the past, I had doubted if Brittany could ever take care of me.

I didn't think I would ever be able to fully get over myself and let her take care of things for me.

Now though, I could see that I judged her too quickly.

Brittany was turning out to be my savior and not because she was my innocent, safe place like in high school.

It was because she was stepping up to be my partner, my wife, my saving grace.

When all this was over...I was going to marry her again.

For real this time.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Oh to my amazing sometimes beta...thanks!**


	39. Chapter 39:Both Of Us

**Chapter 39:Both of Us (B.o.B ft. Taylor Swift)  
**

* * *

**_When all this was over...I was going to marry her again._**

**_For real this time._**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

We spent the next few days at the hospital with Isaac. He was gradually getting better but not as quickly as I would have liked. His doctor's still wanted to observe him over the weekend while I was in LA. Britt told them about the funeral and they said that Isaac definitely wouldn't be out of the hospital by Monday, when we returned.

So when Britt came home on Thursday night to tell me what the doctors said...I was so happy.

I felt so much better about leaving because I knew that he would be cared for.

I had been trying to pack quietly for over an hour since our chartered flight left out at seven in the morning. Damariz, Saul and new baby Norah were going to be at the house around 4 a.m. Quinn was the toss up, she would be flying commercial on Friday night after her classes.

Everyone was banding together to make sure that things went off without a hitch.

Britt had made it so all I had to worry about was packing. She took care of everything!

Even food.

Thank God...because I kept forgetting.

Which Britt wasn't too happy about. She had gone online and found out how I'm supposed to be eating when I'm nursing and so now she was on a mission to monitor me.

It annoyed me a little bit but more than anything it made me feel good.

* * *

It was already late into Thursday night when Britt came home and I hadn't eaten dinner. Britt must have known because she decided to surprise me with dinner.

What was even bigger a surprise was her being able to pry Quinn away from her studies to come and eat dinner with us.

I was convinced that Britt could sell fire in hell because I had pleaded with Quinn for fifteen minutes, trying to convince her to help me pack but she just gave Daniela a bath and then went to her room to study.

All B had to do was crack a smile and promise her bacon.

Why had I not thought of that?

* * *

Britt and Q sat in bed with me eating Pad Thai so that I could take a break from packing.

_"Why are you packing like you are leaving for a week? You aren't actually thinking of running away are you?"_ Quinn laughed as she picked up a piece of bacon and shoved in her mouth. Ugh...leave it to Britt to find bacon Pad Thai!

_"I'm packing some stuff for Celia your girlfriend, me, Britt and all of Daniela's stuff. It's a lot."_

_"How many pairs of shoes did you pack San?"_

_"Six."_

_"For three days?"_

_"Yea...so? How many bags do you have?"_

_"Just my carry on."_

_"Well...that's because I'm high fashion and you are all...church dresses...by the way...your blonde is back."_

_"Hair appointment tomorrow, after class."_

_"Black again?"_

_"Yep...Celia likes my hair like this and Rachel doesn't...reason enough to stay this way!"_

_"I totally agree!"_

Spending time with my favorite girls made my somber mood lighten a bit. I knew that it wouldn't last long though because once I was in LA everything would be heavy again.

I was glad though that I was able to go clear headed and not burdened with having to hold in my emotions.

Growing up, I look back and realize that my biggest regret and my saving grace was my ability to maintain a cool composure no matter the situation.

I was learning from my wife and Q that sometimes letting down your walls was more necessary than breathing.

I needed a cool head...especially with what was waiting for me on the other coast.

* * *

First thing in the morning if Isaac was having a good day, he was always excitable...something he got from Ian. I was never a morning person; I always need my quiet time before dealing with other people and if I don't get it I can be a raging bitch the entire day...hello high school! I hated those early Cheerios practices with a burning passion.

Seeing Isaac though excited and shrieking at 6 a.m. was a welcome sight.

It had taken Britt some string pulling to get the doctors to let me see him that early but after my spending so much time there, and explaining my situation, they quickly loosened their restrictions.

I was really liking her taking over some of the bigger things.

It gave me more time to focus on my kids and myself. It kept the tremors and cravings from overwhelming me.

Thank God for Britt-Britt.

* * *

_"Ma!"_

_"Papa!"_ I picked him up and smothered him in kisses. He smelled fresh and clean which made me insanely happy and satisfied to know that he was being taken care of.

I looked over at the nurse who was on duty and smiled at her.

_"Is he still saying that bad word?"_ I whispered to her.

She blushed bright red and nodded.

Britt laughed and pressed a kiss to his chubby cheek. _"Pick your battles, Ana."_ she whispered into my ear.

I looked at her and growled, _"I'm trying...I haven't beat Quinn up have I?"_

_"But you were thinking about it."_

_"Is that a crime?"_

_"I don't know...but if it is...you should definitely stop."_

I rolled my eyes as she cracked a smile and turned back to my son. _"Whatever, B."_ I chuckled as I kissed Isaac's other cheek.

_"Da mah Beso!"_ he screeched. I kissed him again.

_"Yay! Beso!"_ I said as I did it again.

_"Yay!"_ he clapped his hands together and looked at me with those bright blue eyes.

I felt so light in that moment, it made me really sad that I couldn't bring him along.

* * *

We spent about a half an hour with Isaac before heading to the airport.

The great thing about chartering our own plane was that, even though we were running a little late, it wasn't going to leave up.

Thankfully, because by the time we got through traffic, we were half an hour late.

Damariz had taken Daniela with her straight to the airport and I was so grateful for it because if the baby had been with us it would have been even worse. I wouldn't have been able to drive like I ended up doing.

Because we were late, we had to be wait another hour to be cleared for takeoff. Being stuck on a plane with two newborn was not something that I had thought about. We ended up having a layover in Chicago before finally taking back off.

Saul kept chewing his gum obnoxiously, Damariz kept checking to see if the baby was breathing, and Britt...well Britt was the only perfect thing about the flight. If I wasn't feeding Daniela then she had her and was slow dancing with her as she slept.

B was doing everything in her power to keep me from flipping out and so even though, what should have been a six hour flight had turned into a nine hour trip, I kept my cool.

For the most part.

* * *

We got into LAX at a little after five that night and I was not happy about it. Britt kept an arm tucked around me and kept kissing my face. She was trying her best to keep me calm.

Once we were off the plane my sister kissed me and Britt, and then hailed a cab straight to her house. She seemed annoyed and exhausted, so I didn't blame her.

She had literally left the hospital the afternoon before and I knew that she really wanted to sleep.

I couldn't even imagine how overwhelmed she was after losing her twin sister and then giving birth to a beautiful little girl.

_"Hey, B?" _I said as we headed towards the food court.

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you make sure I spend time with Mari before we head back?"_

_"You got it."_ she smiled as she pulled me in again and kissed my temple. _"I love you so much Ana."_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

Britt and I wandered around the terminal stretching our legs for about twenty minutes before heading over to the car rental kiosk.

Daniela was fast asleep in Britt's carrier, with her head on B's chest. It was cute to see both of them looking so attached to each other.

I hadn't called anyone because I just wanted to get settled in before jumping into the intensity.

Instead I was taking time to just breathe.

Most of my father's family hadn't seen me since his funeral, back before I had Isaac or married Brittany. It would be like coming out all over again, except now, I had been through so much that I wasn't afraid of anything.

I was five minutes from prison so nothing was really terrifying me.

This weekend was about Brenda and the boys.

Things for me where already insane so this just added to the drama in my life but I would put up with the family and any of their bullshit.

I just had to keep my sister in mind. I had to look at my little nephews and try and be strong for them.

I was just glad that I got some time with just Britt and the baby before having to deal with anything else.

They would be my anchor.

* * *

_"I'm so glad they had nice rentals."_ I said to B as I navigated traffic in a Benz.

I had always been raised in BMW's, probably because of Tio Gene. Everyone in my family had a BMW and I was even thinking about buying another for just Britt but now that I was driving this, I was starting to think maybe I could buy myself a get out of jail present and give Britt my car?

Is that shallow?

Nah!

I was shifting and speeding through traffic, driving was so much my element. I had quick reflexes from Cheerios and could usually sense any trouble headed my way. My last accident had been the courthouse.

My first and my last actually.

I was wrapped up in my mind as I ignored the people that I cut off.

I had no fear.

My skill didn't matter though, Britt still clenched the sides of the seat and kept shooting looks over at Daniela.

Normally I would sit in the back with the baby, but since Britt was terrified of the intensity of the traffic in LA she asked me to drive.

I smiled back at her and then slowed as we came up to the hotel.

I pulled in front of the W hotel and was putting my window down so that I could hand my keys to the valet when Britt leaned forward.

_"Do we already a reservation because I didn't make one?"_

_"Yes...when we were on the plane...I booked us a room...well, actually, I got us a suite. I knew that you forgot. It's okay." _I said as I smiled at the valet._  
_

_"I'm sorry."  
_

_"No worries...we are all set."  
_

_"So a whole suite, just for us and Quinn?"_

Britt left the car seat and just put Daniela back in the carrier. We walked hand in hand up towards the entrance and I squeezed her sweaty hand._  
_

_"It's just in case someone needs a place to stay...you know how my family gatherings can get. The suite has three or four rooms I think. My father's family is coming in from all over the place."_

_"Oh ok."_

I had hoped to get a little longer with just Britt and the baby but after getting our room keys, we ran straight into Johnny.

Or rather, he spotted us and couldn't just let us walk by.

* * *

_"Ana?"_ he called me from across the lobby.

I gave our bags to the concierge who promised us that he would deliver them to our suite.

_"Shit...so much for relaxing a little bit."_ I muttered to Britt.

She squeezed my hand and then plastered on a smile as she pulled on my hand and led us over towards my brother-in-law.

I wondered immediately if Sandra was with him.

Would she be mad that I hadn't called her?

Why can I never just get away with things?

Crap.

He wasn't with my sister but he sure wasn't alone.

* * *

I became anxious when I could see that Johnny wasn't alone at the bar. I took a deep breath and then grabbed on to Britt's hand.

As we got closer I froze a second time and gripped Britt's hand tightly. She hissed and then squeezed back.

Johnny was at a table with Brenda's two remaining sons.

Xavier and Evan both had the caramel Lopez color and jet black curly hair.

I felt my heart clench when I saw the sadness in Evan's features.

With the three of them sat Damariz's ever present, eternally silent husband, Saul who must have dropped her at the house and came straight here.

_"Hey guys."_ I said when I got close enough for my nephews to see me.

They looked up and while Xavier was bouncing up and down in his chair excited to see me, Evan looked at me glumly.

He had lost his twin brother, Ethan and if my memory served me correctly...today was their birthday.

Shit!

Ethan and Evan had always been like night and day but the bond between them had always been strong. When I saw them last they had been racing each other in the pool. It was strange to see one without the other.

Especially on a day like today.

* * *

I opened my arms up and both boys came over and hugged me.

Xavier quickly moved on to Britt and the baby, climbing her side until she had managed to lift him so that he was planted on her hip and peaking at the carrier at Daniela.

I smiled briefly and then rubbed my hands over my nephew's back. Evan had buried his head against my chest and was sniffling.

I placed a hand on the back of his head and with the other I pulled him until he was flush against me.

I looked over at how uncomfortable Johnny and Saul seemed.

Damariz must have sent them out of the house with the boys.

* * *

_"Hey Evan do you and Xavier want stay with me and Titi B for a while? Maybe watch a movie?" _I said as I looked down at him. Evan looked up at me with sad eyes and nodded his head.

_"I'd really like that Titi."_ he mumbled with watery eyes.

I nodded and then pulled him against me again.

This day was probably so hard for him.

Had anyone remembered?

He was eleven today.

This all just sucked so, so fucking much!

Johnny had a tight smile as he nodded and Saul unabashedly happy to get the boys off his plate for a while. He had been so busy this week trying to get their new house together while still trying to close out his job in LA, on top of his wife giving birth.

I knew that he hadn't really gotten much alone time with just Mari and Norah.

He hugged me tight before clapping Johnny on the back and leaving the restaurant.

_"If you're taking them...I'm going to go check on Sandra...she's been in bed all morning."_

_"Tell her...that I'll come by later okay?"_

_"You got it sis."_ Johnny kissed my cheek and then headed towards the elevators.

Part of the reason that I chose this hotel was because, Sandra and Celia both were staying here.

Mari was back at her house in Beverly Hills, which was too far away.

So even though, I wasn't going to be able to spend any time with Britt and Daniela...I was happy to be surrounded by my family.

Maybe I would even manage to make Evan smile by the end of the day.

* * *

The five of us headed up to the suite in silence, Daniela had even fallen asleep. Britt was excitedly whispering back and forth with Xavier as they walked ahead of us, hand in hand.

I hung back with Evan just in case he wanted to talk at all.

I was trying to figure out if it was bad timing to wish him a Happy Birthday when he pulled on my hand to get my attention. I looked over at him and tried to smile but I couldn't muster much. I probably looked like I was in pain.

There was just no clear sign of how to act.

_"Do you think he will forget?"_ Evan muttered as he held squeezed my hand.

Red flag.

Britt was better with this kind of thing but I needed to try and be open for him. Evan needed me just like someday Isaac would and I needed to be prepared for that.

* * *

I stopped us and crouched down in front of him so we were at equal eye level. His big green eyes were identical to Brenda's and it pained me to see them look so sad.

I almost flinched but I fought the feeling.

This was not the time for that.

_"I don't think anyone will be able to forget your mom and brothers Ev, and I know that as his big brother you will make sure that he always remembers them in everything that he does...right?"_ I said as I held fast to his shoulders.

He looked at me hard, trying to read me, like I had learned to do at birth. It was written in the DNA.

_"Yes...I will. It's my job now."_

He came closer and wrapped his arms around me. I adjusted myself so that I was on my knees and then hugged him tighter. He ducked his head onto my shoulder and sucked in a breath. I could tell that even at eleven he was trying so hard to put his walls up but it wasn't working.

Somehow I had burrowed under his defenses.

I rubbed his back and let him get out his tears out. I had been where he is, kind of, and I knew that sometimes a person just needs to be held in the silence so that they can get their thoughts together.

I was pretty sure that I was the first person that let him process after a question like that.

* * *

After he pulled away I stood up and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as we walked slowly to the suite.

_"I'm glad that you are finally here Titi."_

_"I'm glad I could make it."_

_"Everyone has been walking around me afraid to say any of their names. Even Titi Mari. She seems afraid to even look in the mirror, when she came to the house...she passed the mirror and I saw her flinch. Mami wouldn't like this at all."_

_"I know, just remember that everyone grieves in their own way Ev...we all had a special unique relationship with Brenda and your brothers. We all have to deal with this the best way we can. I know that nobody knew Ethan like you did right?"_

_"Yeah of course he's my twin. Was my twin."_

_"That's how Titi Mari feels without your mom."_

_"Like a piece of her is missing?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"Will it ever get better?"_

I thought hard for a moment about the progress that I had made since burying my father and Ian. I thought about the longing I felt sometimes.

It still hurt to think about Isaac and Daniela not knowing their father but I knew that they had an amazing village of people surrounding them.

I took a deep breath and then told my nephew the truth that I knew existed but I didn't think about until that moment.

_"It gets easier...it takes time, Evan, but right now though, to be honest, it's just going to really suck. You just need to take it one day at a time. I know that today is a tough day for you to celebrate anything...but you have to try and live for them."_

_"Thanks for giving me a real answer, I will try my best. You know what? That's why I love you so much Titi Ana, I know you will always tell me the truth, even if it hurts."_

_"It's what I would want you to for my kids and for me."  
_

_"I love you, Titi."  
_

_"I love you too, Evan." _I hugged him tight to me as we stood just inside the suite._ "And happy birthday."  
_

_"Thank you." _he said stoically as he kissed my cheek._  
_

* * *

When we got into the room, Britt was reading the room service menu to Xavier.

_"Are you planning on ordering something?"_ I asked as I tossed my purse onto some random surface. I didn't speak that loud, so I was sure that she hadn't heard me wish Evan a happy birthday.

Had she?

_"Yep! Xavier says that Saul promised them ice cream for Evan's birthday but that they never got any. I thought maybe, they might want to have something...a banana split maybe?"  
_

Britt wiggled her eyebrows at Evan and he cracked a small smile._  
_

I sent Evan over to them to pick something out while I headed to the bedroom. Daniela was sound asleep in the little crib in the corner of the room. I leaned in and kissed her face.

My luggage sat on a bench at the end of a huge bed in the biggest of the four rooms, the view was amazing. I stood there looking out the great big window when my phone started buzzing.

_"Yeah?"_ I said as I stared distractedly out of the window.

_"Johnny told me that you are here in LA. You said you'd call me."_

_"I'm sorry Sandra. I just wanted to get here take a nap after my nine hour flight and then call you guys."_

_"That's understandable it's just with everything that's happened I'm on edge."_

_"I'm sorry I didn't even think."_

_"We are having dinner tonight at Mari's house, can you come and bring the boys to the house in a few hours, Johnny and I are headed over now, is that okay?"_

_"Yea sure thing Sandra."_

_"Thank you Ana."_

* * *

I hung up the phone and just sat there staring out the window for a while. Somewhere out there was a teenager that had hit my sister head on with her truck and walked away with not even a scratch.

I was trying to find that shred of understanding since I had been that teenager, I had driven drunk and high on several occasions and knew that this could have been me. I could have killed someone...I had killed someone.

Was this karma?

This was personal though...at most I crashed into a building and killed a shrub but this girl had killed three people, a mother, a ten year old and a three year old.

I felt like I had been absolved of that girl, Dani's death, but this girl...this girl that killed my sister...she could burn in hell.

God...help me. When did I become such a hypocrite?

* * *

**_Can you call me?-Anita_**

**_Sure-Ari_**

_"Everything okay?"_ Ari said with a soft voice.

_"Do you think that this happened because of what I did?"_

_"Anita...don't go there...this was senseless. One event can't be blamed on the other. You just need to pray about it."  
_

_"How do I know that God will answer my prayers?"  
_

_"Ye of little faith...come on...you know better."  
_

_"I know. I guess...this is just all so hard."  
_

_"I know Anita, but sometimes we have to go through some pretty hard shit." _she hesitated and then sucked in a deep breath. She went to speak but I cut her off._  
_

_"I'm sorry."  
_

_"Don't...just...look. This is a tough thing and if you are wondering how you could hate anyone for it...it's because you are looking at those boys, knowing the loneliness that they are going to feel without their mother and you understand that."  
_

_"Yea."  
_

_"You will get through this...I know it."  
_

_"I know. I know you will get through this too."  
_

_"Yea...well...if that is what God has planned then yes...I will get through this...in the mean time...cheer up! I love you."  
_

_"Thanks. I love you too."_

* * *

The call ended and I laid there and thought of little Brendan and how he snuggled up with Isaac Labor Day weekend in his crib...and my tears returned.

That was the last time that I had seen him alive.

This was so unfair!

_"Titi?"_ Xavier's little voice broke through my tears.

I lifted my face from the pillow that I was drowning myself in and saw him knelt on the bench next to my luggage watching me.

_"Hey Nene."_ I choked out as I tried to swallow back my tears.

He looked like he wanted to climb up but was afraid to. I opened up my arms and his eyes brightened up immediately. The little six year old quickly crawled into my arms and burrowed into my side.

His little hand rubbed my side as he tried to hug me.

_"Don't cry Titi...Mami, Ethan, and Brendan are with Jesus, Papi and Abuelo now."_ He rubbed my side trying to soothe me.

_"They are?"_

I was really wondering and despite all the shit that I had gone through I never doubted my faith until that moment and Ari had sensed it.

_"Of course Titi!"_ I kissed the top of his head and squeezed him tight.

From the mouths of babes.

_"I just miss them, Xavier, I'll be fine."_

_"Me too...Where is Izzy, why did you leave him?"_ he asked after a moment.

_"He's in New York. He is in the hospital. He is going to be okay though."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive."_

_"Good. I miss him."_

_"Me too."_

_"The baby is really pretty."  
_

_"Thank you, her name is Daniela, but everyone calls her Dani."  
_

_"Dani...I like that."  
_

_"Yea...it's a nice name."  
_

_"Titi?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you sing to me?"_

I held Xavier and sang him to sleep.

With him curled against me it made me feel safe.

I know it's crazy to think that a six year old little boy make me feel secure, it was just inexplicable. Lying with him and holding him so intimately made me feel closer to my sister than I ever had.

* * *

I had only been to Damariz's house once before and that was when I was recuperating after my surgery. Even then though, I was in bed most of the time. Papi had insisted that there was no better place to recuperate than a house with a doctor and a surgeon. He was right because by the time I was back in school...I was completely healed.

Mari's house was in Beverly Hills and sat back from the road by a half mile. Her house may not have been a mansion like Sandra's but it had an insane amount of land including an orchard.

It was amazingly beautiful, I couldn't believe that she would rather live in New York!

I pulled the car up behind another car that looked identical to it with the exception of the color. Xavier was still asleep in the back seat so Britt ended up carrying him, while I carried the baby. Evan seemed anxious as he walked by my side.

_"Are you okay Ev?"_ I whispered as we stood on the front porch. I whispered past my sleeping baby.

_"Yes...It's just harder when I see everyone crying. I feel like Mami would hate it."_

_"She wouldn't like it very much, you're right. But she would understand it. You remember when Abuelo died, your Mami cried a whole lot, remember that?"_

_"Oh yeah."_ he said as he remembered how Brenda leaned over the casket wailing.

_"Not everyone can put up walls like you and me Ev...you have to be open to that."_

He looked at me and then nodded his little head before reaching forward and pushing the door open for me.

* * *

I was immediately chilled by how remarkably silent the house was as we entered. I knew that the house was packed but it seemed deserted.

Ev took Xavier from Britt and then walked off to some corner of the house leaving us standing in the foyer by ourselves. I hope that I hadn't said the wrong thing.

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was just as uncomfortable with the silence as I was.

_"Mari?"_ I called out. I was too tired to seek her out.

I heard footsteps and then I saw Damariz poke her head around the corner. She waved us over and we followed her.

We trailed behind my sister for almost a whole two minutes before we got to the living room.

_"You guys sit in here while I take Daniela up to the nursery."_ She said tiredly. Britt seemed reluctant to let Mari take the baby but she didn't fight me on it when I handed the baby over to my sister.

I could see now that Britt was on edge.

That wasn't a good sign.

* * *

We walked further into the room and I could see from the back that Sandra and Celia were talking quietly to my mother and a squat little woman whose cheap perfume burned my nose.

I had never met my father's first wife, he never spoke highly of her and neither did her daughters for that matter. She and Mami had buried the hatchet years earlier so I wasn't surprised to see them sitting side-by-side.

I just wished that someone had warned me.

I held onto Britt's hand as I pulled her around the couch and greeted everyone. Sandra stood up and opened her arms.

_"How are you? How was your flight?"_ she asked as she held me for longer than usual. I hugged her back and allowed myself to soak up the comfort of my eldest sister.

_"Longest nine hours of my life...glad Britt came with me."_ I said as I watched my wife hug my mom.

_"Yea...hey don't let anything my mom says get to you. She is insanely homophobic and even though Celia came out to her she has been so rude all day. So don't mention Celia and Quinn, okay?"_ Sandra whispered in my ear. I nodded and then pulled away.

San knew that I wasn't going back into the closet for her mother, I was married for goodness sakes, she just didn't want me make it worse for Celia.

I was too old to cater to some old bat but I wouldn't hurt my sister like that. I leaned over and kissed my mom and politely nodded to the woman beside her and then went to sit down on the opposite couch next to B.

I held my wife's hand in my lap and looked over at my sister, Celia was sitting stiffly on the other side of her mother and looking off into space. She was looking incredibly flushed and out of sorts.

_"Ceily? You okay?"_ I asked quietly. Her eyes snapped up to me. She had anger in her eyes and was gripping her phone as if she wanted to beat someone to death with it.

_"As well as I can be with the circumstances being so shitty."_ she muttered.

_"Celia! With a mouth like that no wonder you had to settle for women and can't seem to find a husband."_ her mother said elbowing her in the ribs. I saw Celia's cheeks turn bright red and her body become even more rigid.

I couldn't believe that she was going to let her mother get away with that.

_**Hey Q...this is what your woman looks like right now.-San**_

I texted Quinn, out of some sort of twisted loyalty I was feeling. I had pretended to be looking for signal and snapped a picture of Celia's angry face before sending it to Quinn.

I wasn't surprised when I got an immediate response back.

_**What's wrong with her?-Q**_

_**Her mom is basically bullying her back in the closet.-San**_

_**Ugh. I wish I was there today!-Q**_

Celia's phone started ringing. She looked down at the screen and quickly stood up and left the room.

From the look on her face I could tell that it was Q who was trying to save her girlfriend's sanity and keep her from running back into the closet.

* * *

_"So Santana..."_ my name sounded warped coming out of this woman's mouth.

_"Si Señora?"_ I said as I tried my best to be respectful.

_"Who is your friend, here?"_ she asked seemingly testing me, was she kidding? I felt Britt squeeze my fingers in warning. Sandra looked sharply at her mother. Mami though just sat there; she was here for me and didn't want to ruffle feathers.

_"This is my wife Brittany."_ I said as I placed my hand on B's knee without taking my eyes away from the woman across from me.

_"That's not legal...how can she be your wife?"_ this woman was obviously misinformed.

_"It is legal in New York where we got married and where I live. She is my wife legally."_ I stressed the last word and waited for her to say something else.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at her with a smile on my face. I could feel Britt's eyes on me and she even tried to let go of my hand but I wasn't letting go.

Not a chance!

* * *

Annoyed that she hadn't gotten to me, she turned to my mother and acted like I was deaf or out of earshot.

_"And you allowed this Gladys?"_

Mami looked over at me and then her eyes lingered on Brittany before she looked back at the sea urchin, that my sisters called a mother.

_"Yes. In fact, I encouraged it. I support my daughter in almost everything she does. Their marriage is no different than anyone else."_

_"It's all a silly little fantasy. I raised my daughters better than that but obviously, Celia's issue was from your influence,"_ she said as she stood from the couch, she looked down at me and scowled, _"abomination!"_ she said before storming from the room.

* * *

I couldn't hide the smirk on my face but everyone else looked shell shocked.

Did they really think I would stay quiet?

Bullshit!

_"What just happened?"_ Damariz said as she came into the room carrying finger sandwiches.

_"Our mother happened."_ Sandra said as she rolled her eyes.

* * *

**A/N: Read and Review! This was more of a transitional chapter.**


	40. Chapter 40:Heavy In Your Arms

**Chapter 40:Heavy In Your Arms (Florence + The Machine)**

* * *

_**I couldn't hide the smirk on my face but everyone else looked shell shocked.**_

_**Did they really think I would stay quiet?**_

_**Bullshit!**_

_**"What just happened?" Damariz said as she came into the room carrying finger sandwiches.**_

_**"Our mother happened." Sandra said as she rolled her eyes.**_

* * *

I still had my hand firmly gripping Britt's knee. I was so pissed off that I could only see red.

Who the fuck did that woman think she was?

How did she think that she had any right to talk to me like that?

Sensing my sudden anger or seeing it after my smirk, Britt wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to her.

When I tried to sit up again she held me tighter. She wasn't going to allow that beached whale to make me question the validity of marriage.

Sure it wasn't exactly legal on papers but few people actually knew that.

This was just not what I needed right now.

_"I'm sorry about my mom Ana. She is insanely rude. She is up in her room stewing and probably calling our step father in Texas to tell him how I'm forcing her to be under the same roof with a bunch of lesbians." _Mari said as she sat in the place that her mother had vacated._  
_

_"Yea...she wouldn't be so quick to announce that if she realized that she had a gay daughter that wasn't running back in the closet too."_ Sandra said as Celia came back into the room.

_"Yea and how should I tell her? At the funeral? The cemetery? Do you want me to start fucking Quinn right in front of her?"_ Celia snapped at Sandra.

_"I'm just saying, maybe she would let up on finding you a husband and would not be such a bigot if she knew that you and Quinn are serious or if she knew that you weren't just figuring this out...that you and Amber were engaged?"_ Sandra said as she defended her point.

_"Oh no! Did she say something inappropriate to you Ana?"_ Mari said.

_"Aside from calling my marriage a fairy tale and calling me an abomination? No."_ I said sarcastically.

_"I'm sorry."_ Celia said as she grabbed a sandwich from the tray.

_"Prove it...introduce Mami to Quinn when she gets here as you girlfriend...make some grand gesture."_ Damariz said as she pushed the tray closer to me.

_"I will fix it before she flies back home."_ Celia conceded.

* * *

Damariz filled us in on all the arrangements for the service and then turned to me.

_"Now that nonsense is out of the way, I need a favor Ana."_

I sat forward and nodded.

_"What is it?"_ I asked hoping that it wasn't something beyond my control.

_"Can you convince Sal to handle Brenda's estate?"_

_"He is our family lawyer Mari, he is available to all of you. I can call him and talk to him but know that I pay him well enough that he will do whatever needs to be done to keep me and the family happy."_

_"Are you sure?" _Mari said and then looked over at Sandra._  
_

Sandra nodded and then looked back at me._  
_

_"Ana...you are the closest to him...do you think we can call him now?"  
_

_"Uh...sure. I guess?" _I said...feeling a bit confused._  
_

* * *

I was so happy when we got back to the hotel. Sandra had told me to go ahead and spend some alone time with my wife and she would bring Daniela back to the hotel in an hour or so.

I was so happy when she said that, that I threw myself in her arms and promised that I would do the same for her whenever she needed it.

Britt and I hadn't really had any alone time since the hospital just before the baby and even that was being monitored with nurses and doctors in and out of the room.

I missed my wife.

* * *

Once Britt and I were alone again, I wrapped my arms around her neck and kissed her lips. She walked us to the bedroom and began to strip off her clothes as she kept kissing me. We had agreed that we would wait until after all the funeral stuff was over and we were back home but with our make out session feeling so incredibly epic, I was tempted to give in and let her have me.

I sunk into the bed as I waited for B to join me. The moment that my body hit the mattress, I could feel myself drifting off. She wrapped her arms around me the moment she laid down and spooned me.

_"How are you feeling baby?"_

_"Better. I'm so proud of myself for not punching the fuck out of that woman."_

_"Yeah...I'm glad you didn't hit her, too."_

_"Is it bad that I just really want to be back home?"  
_

_"Even though that means you will have to go on house arrest?"  
_

_"Yea...but at least it will be at home. I don't care about that. I will be home with me kids...with no way to go off and buy cocaine...this is going to be a blessing."  
_

_"Our entire lives are in New York of course you want to be back there with the kids and me...right?"_

_"Of course you, B...always and only you! I mean...aside from the house arrest...I think I really just want to go home, home."  
_

_"I don't understand."_

* * *

I turned in the bed so that I could face Britt. I could see the way the city lights highlighted her face in a yellowish glow making her look almost angelic. Her eyes were sparkling as she smiled sweetly at me. I was afraid to say what I was about to say, I didn't understand where it had come from but I think my heart knew it for a while.

We had started the conversation back in the hospital but then everything had happened with my embolisms and the emergency labor.

For some reason this just felt like the right time.

_"No...I mean I really miss Lima. I think that I want to move back."_ I sighed out.

I was afraid to look up and see Britt's reaction. I looked down at her lips and then leaned in and kissed them. I pulled back but didn't really look back at her. She was silent but I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her head. I finally looked up and wanted to immediately look away.

Britt's eyes were full of unshed tears.

My heart started racing and I was nervous but I maintained eye contact with her and rubbed my thumb across her cheek.

_"Please don't cry B. I know that our lives are in the city now and with this case pending, I can't leave. Your job, my legal stuff and...Quinn. I know why we are there...it's just when I think of home..."_ I trailed off and thought about it.

When I think of home...

_"It has nothing to do with any of that Ana. Home is where your heart is...where is your heart?"_

_"With you and the kids."_ I whispered softly as I looked in her eyes.

I looked at her and smiled softly, knowing that without a doubt that being back in Lima was the truth for me, I wanted home or a place that felt like home.

At the end of the day if I had my wife and kids, I would be at home anywhere.

* * *

_"That's what I thought. I just think that right now your soul needs peace and comfort and as much as we hated living there, Lima always moved slow and steady. It is your peaceful place, with the Magick Treehouse and the way everyone knows everyone else. It was comfortable."_

_"You're a genius you know that?"_ I said as I leaned closer to her, ghosting my lips over hers. Her face lit up as I pulled back and looked in her eyes. I pressed my lips against hers and smiled into the kiss. She pulled my body until we were pressed against each other and she kissed me again.

_"Everything is going to be okay Ana. I will do everything in my power to make sure that our family is safe and happy."_

_"Yeah?"_ I asked seriously.

_"Yes. And if down the line, after all the court stuff is done and you still feel like Lima is where you want to be then we will sit down and talk it out as a family. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I can live with that."_

_"Good..now lets get some sleep."  
_

* * *

The next morning my phone woke me up bright and early, some time around sunrise.

It was the day of the viewing. There had been an uproar over dinner the night before over the arrangements of the services.

Evan's birthday got shoved to the side so I told Britt on the ride home that I wanted to do something for him, maybe after the funeral so that his birthday wasn't just plain forgotten.

We had to find some kind of happiness in all of this.

Hopefully, I could get the family in on it.

Tonight was the only night that could be agreed on for the viewing. It had been set up that we would just do everything at once but Felicia, the sea urchin, was getting in the way.

After the viewings I was supposed to go back to Mari's without Britt (which so wasn't going to happen) so that my sisters, the bitch Felicia and me could talk things out.

What things...I wasn't quite sure?

* * *

Papi's two brothers and their families were flying in from Hawaii and Miami. I hadn't seen them since his funeral and even then it had been briefly.

Mami had set it up so that they could stay in my suite, which I wouldn't have minded if she had asked me first or at least told me but she went ahead and let them know without asking Britt or me at all. What was worse is that she told them and then didn't set them up with a car or anything. So now I was being awakened at four thirty in the morning.

With no clue of what the heck was going on.

_"Anita? It's Tio Manny...did I wake you?"_

I sat up abruptly; in the process almost falling from the bed...thankfully Britt was awake enough and grabbed a hold of me.

_"Pardon, Tio. Hi, how are you?"_ I said groggily.

_"Good. Your Mom said you would be picking me up from the airport. Are you coming soon?"_

_"You're there now?"_

_"Yea we just got in."_

_"Must have slipped my mind. I'm leaving now. I will call you when I'm close. Is this your number?"_ I asked as I stood from the bed.

My joints cracked as I stretched my arms over my head, nearly dropping the phone that was perched between my shoulder and my cheek.

_"Yes. I'm sorry for waking you."_

_"It's fine. Who's with you?"_ I wasn't sure if I had enough room in my rental.

_"Just Carla and Demi, the little kids wouldn't be able to handle this."_

_"Okay. I'll see you soon. Te quiero."_

_"Te quiero Anita, be safe okay?"_

_"Okay."_ I hung up before tossing the phone on the bed.

_"Fuck! I should wake her up and make her come with me for this shit!"_ I muttered louder than I meant to.

_"Too late...I'm up."_ I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned the lamp on and saw Britt sitting up rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

_"Sorry baby...I was talking about my mom. She didn't even tell me that I had to pick up my uncle...at four in the morning no less."_

_"He's already at the airport?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Well let's get going then."_

Thank God for Britt. Without her I wouldn't have been able to function that early in the morning but she managed to get us both dressed and out the door in ten minutes. While I got dressed, she had called up my mom and asked her to come down and watch Daniela. I managed to pump enough for four bottles, so that Mami could take care of the baby while I rushed towards the airport.

It made me smile that she was forced to be awake as well.

Definitely took the edge off.

* * *

_"So which uncle is this?"_ Britt asked.

The trick to keeping me awake while driving without coffee is definitely to keep me talking and Britt was definitely prepared for that.

_"Tio Manny. He is a high-ranking marine officer in Hawaii. He has nine kids. The oldest is my age and the rest are all under fifteen. He only brought his oldest...Demetria. We call her Demi...yes like Demi Lovato."_

I glanced over and Britt had a huge grin on her face.

_"Awesome!"_

_"Yea, you will like her, she is a dancer like you. She and her mother actually have their own dance academy. Her mom is a ballerina from Russia. They are all pretty awesome."_

By the time we got to the airport, Britt had effectively gotten all of my bitchiness to fade by shooting a million off the wall questions at me.

She is just that awesome.

I pushed my sunglasses over my eyes to block out the bright lights since my eyes were still adjusting.

Although my cranky, bitchiness had faded, I still felt clingy.

I held tight to Britt's hand and leaned against her shoulder while we walked towards the terminal.

Britt was excited to meet more of my family and so she was wide awake as we approached the only people in the terminal.

I stood up straight and pulled her closer.

* * *

My father's baby brother was the spitting image of my father, I had to do a double take when I saw him.

When he saw me he held his arms open and smiled really wide.

I hadn't bothered to let go of B's hand so she got swept up into the hug along with me.

When he finally let go I stepped back and I pulled Britt against my side.

_"Tio Manny, Tia Carla and Demi, this is my wife Brittany."_

_"So this is her?"_

Tio Manny looked at me then back at Britt with a serious expression. I pushed my sunglasses onto my forehead and looked in his eyes and nodded.

I was feeling incredibly nervous, I actually cared about his reaction to my wife. He then looked back at his wife and daughter and then smiled really big.

_"You owe me $200 Carla and $50 bucks from you Demi. I told you she was blonde and tall!"_

I smiled really big and threw myself into my uncle's arms in relief. Then I looked towards my aunt and cousin.

_"She's also a dancer...she is currently choreographing a new Broadway play."_

Once I said that, they forgot me as they each looped an arm through B's. Tio pulled two suitcases and I led everyone out to the rental.

My mind was reeling as I watched my family embrace Britt.

It made my heart heal a little bit.

* * *

Tio Manny let out a low whistle when he saw the car that I was driving around in. I shrugged and attempted to help him lift his luggage.

_"What do you think you're doing, Anita?"_ I looked at him like he was crazy.

_"Helping you."_

_"Not in your condition, didn't you just have baby and surgery on your lungs? Why don't you go ahead and get in the car?"_

I put my sunglasses back on and trudged to the driver's side. I didn't mean to get emotional but feeling weak was not something that I handled well.

When I climbed in the car, Britt was sitting in the back seat wrapped up in a conversation about movements or something.

I sat with my head resting against my seat and felt my eyes drifting closed.

* * *

I nearly pissed myself when a hand rested on my arm and shook me.

_"The fuck?"_ I mumbled.

_"You awake?"_ Tio was standing with my driver's door open looking at me.

_"Yea. What are you doing? Get in."_

_"You are way too sleepy to drive."_

_"No...I'm fine Tio. I promise. Get in please?"_ I begged him.

When had I become so whiny?

_"Ana sweetie, let him follow the GPS." _Britt leaned forward from the backseat and rubbed my arm soothingly._  
_

_"You're supposed to be on my side B."_ I said as I begrudgingly climbed down from the car. My uncle flashed me a smile and climbed in excited to drive such an expensive car.

I managed to stay awake all of three minutes once the car started moving.

I knew that they were right about me not driving but even after knocking out I still refused to admit it.

* * *

When we got back to the hotel it was a little after six in the morning, I was anxious to get back to bed but when I saw both Mami and Sandra in the lobby, holding my baby, I knew that sleep was something of the past.

Everyone was giving out hugs and trying to figure out what to do for breakfast when I leaned into B.

_"Britt baby?"_

_"Hmm?"_ she said leaning down towards my face.

_"I will do anything for you...and I mean anything...you can take that strap on and stick it anywhere you want during our honeymoon if you can just find a way to let me take a nap."_ I whispered in her ear making sure only she could hear me.

Britt's eyebrows shot up and then she stood straight up and cut off the current discussion going on in the middle of the lobby.

_"Why don't we all go back to our suite and just order from room service?"_ Britt said excitedly flashing a huge grin.

_"Did my daughter just offer you sex to get us to shut up, Brittany?"_ Mami said cocking an eyebrow.

Britt blushed red and shrugged her shoulders.

_"Ana's just really tired Gladys."_

Mami's just rolled her eyes and started walking towards the elevators with everyone following behind her without another word.

_"Thanks B."_ I said as we climbed into the packed elevator.

_"Yea...you owe me."_ she winked.

_"Whatever you want, B...it's yours." _I smiled sweetly at her and Mami cleared her throat. Everyone laughed as I hid my face from them.

* * *

Once we were in the suite I wasted no time, grabbing my baby and heading straight to the bedroom. I felt someone behind me and refused to turn around. I was too tired. I climbed into bed and wrapped the huge comforter around myself and then tucked Daniela under my boob so that she could eat. I rested my head back against the headboard and felt my eyes drifting closed when the talking started.

_"We have to talk."_

I cracked an eye open and saw my mother sitting across from me...in a chair from the dining room.

_"Ay, Mami can we please talk after I sleep or maybe when I'm done feeding my baby?"_ I mumbled. The room was suddenly drowned in sunlight as Mami pulled open all the curtains.

_"No. This is important,"_ she stressed as she ripped the blanket off me.

_"Fuck!"_ I said as I put my free hand over my face.

_"You dare talk to your mother like that? I was in labor for 46 hours! I had you naturally with no drugs and you dare talk to me like that? We discussed this...we went through this just a few days ago, and you still talk to me like that?"_ My eyes popped open as I heard my mother start the waterworks.

_"I'm up! I'm sorry. Ok? Lo siento Mami."_ I was now holding my arm open for her so that she could hug me. The moment I held her, she kissed my face but then abruptly pulled away from me, wiped away the fake tears and looked me up and down.

_"When did you shower last?"_

I scrunched up my eyebrows and leaned into my armpit and sniffed.

I looked back at her and then shrugged my shoulders.

_"Before I left New York."_

_"Eww...I raised you better. Go shower and then we can talk."_

_"Can't we just talk while I shower?"_

_"Fine."_

_"Can you take Daniela out to Britt, so that she can burp her?"  
_

_"Okay."  
_

_"Just come in then." _I said as I made my way to the bathroom.

I never understood Britt and Q's hang-ups with being naked in front of the woman that birthed them.

I have never had any shame because I have nothing to hide she's my mom.

* * *

I stripped down and walked straight into the shower. I kind of felt ashamed that I hadn't showered especially since Britt had tried to get me to join her the night before and in the morning before we left.

I was just so fucking tired lately.

I heard the door open and then close and then I heard her clear her throat. I stepped under the water and allowed the water to saturate my skin and soothe out the aches in my muscles.

_"So talk Mami."_ I said as I allowed the water to rinse away the sleepiness and my crankiness.

_"It's about Felicia."_

Ugh the last person I wanted to hear about was my sisters' beached whale of a mother especially while showering.

_"Ugh...why, Mami?"_

_"Show some respect."_

_"I will respect her to her face Mami."_

_"Sandra tells me that Felicia wants three separate services and wants you to pay for them."_

_"What?"_ I screeched, nearly falling but managing to catch myself on the rail.

_"Calm down, Santana!"_

_"I am not made of money! I have kids. I have a home, a wife, and now a court case. Why doesn't she get off her fat ass and pay for something herself?"_

_"Santana!"_ my mom yelled.

_"I mean it Mami. She keeps saying I have no right to make any decisions but then has the nerve to want me to foot the bill? That's crazy!"_

_"Brenda was your sister."_

_"Don't you dare make this about Brenda and the kids. I would do anything for them Mami, you know that!"_

I had my hands clenching my hair and tried not to freak out too much.

* * *

I was so pissed about all this. Showers have always been insanely relaxing for me but now I wanted to explode.

_"I am on your side Santana. I'm just letting you know that this is what is going on."_

I climbed out of the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel.

Mami was leaning against the sink filing her nails. So that's where I get that habit...interesting.

_"Well, I called Sal again on the way back here last night and he is flying in to handle her estate. I'll let him take care of these things. Screw Felicia!"_

_"So you are going to do what?"_

_"I am going to pay my respects to my sister and my nephews, I'm going to show Evan that we didn't forget his fucking birthday. I'm going to spend sometime with my wife and daughter and I'm going to try and get out of this warped city. And then I am going to get home to my son, so that I can take care of him. I am going to try and not stress myself out because I have so many things to worry about!"_ I said.

I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes.

* * *

I breezed past my mother and stepped into the bedroom with anger thrumming through my bones.

Britt sat on the edge of the bed looking concerned.

She must have heard me yelling.

Mami followed me into the room and pressed a hand to my lower back.

_"Mija...I love you. I'm here for you. If there is anyway I can make things easier for you. Tell me okay?"_

I turned as looked at her while still trying to get my emotions under control.

_"I would like it if you would let me have some alone time with my wife and Daniela. I would like it if I could rest before dealing with saying goodbye to two of my nephews and my sister. Please?"_

_"Okay. I'll take everyone downstairs for breakfast. We can meet up with you later, I can even take the baby."_

I felt like such a bitch. I watched Mami walking towards the door and realized that I was taking my anger with Felicia out on her and it wasn't right.

_"Mami?"_ she hesitated with her hand on the door.

She didn't turn around which meant that she was probably on the verge of tears herself. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek.

_"Thank you for being here and looking out for me. I love you."_

Mami nodded and then left the room. I knew that she was upset still and it made me feel like a horrible daughter.

We had been working really hard to mend our relationship since Papi died and I had been snapping at her a lot and had even hit her last week.

Everyone cleared out of the suite after I made two more bottles for the baby before kissing her a dozen times and sending her with my mom. I trusted that she would be okay.

Hopefully, this would be the rest that I need.

* * *

_"Are you hungry?"_ Britt asked as I began to get dressed.

_"I guess. I just want a nap, really, B."_

I pulled on some old Cheerio shorts and one of Britt's big t-shirts before climbing back on the bed and under the covers.

_"Okay. I'm going to set an alarm for us. I'm tired too."_

_"Score. Now I'll definitely get sleep."_ I muttered before closing my eyes.

Britt crawled in the bed and wrapped herself around me.

With Britt there beside me, holding me tightly, I fell to sleep in no time.

I was really starting to forget what it's like to wake up of my own free will.

I was wrapped up in a really good dream when I heard Britt talking in a whisper.

* * *

_"Why are you calling? What happened?...she's sleeping next to me...yea I know she isn't answering, I turned her phone off...because she needs her sleep. Ok but if she snaps at you..."_

Brit leaned over my body and thrust the phone in my face.

_"I know that you're awake. Just take the phone...she has called three times."_

_"Hello?"  
_

_"It's Arita."_

_"What's wrong?"  
_

_"Marco can't donate to me. He isn't clean...he...he has HIV."  
_

_"Wait...what?"  
_

_"I just...I can't...I need a new donor!"  
_

_"We will figure this out, when I get back, I swear!"  
_

_"Okay."_

I hung up abruptly and sat there looking at the phone for a whole minute before remembering that Britt was next to me and she was waiting for some kind of response from me.

I was dumbfounded...how far back did his HIV stem?

Both Daniela and I were clean...right?_  
_

* * *

It wasn't until I was handing Britt her phone back that I realized just how much I was shaking.

My whole body was rocking, my skin was crawling and uncontrollable sobs were breaking from my throat. I had my hands covering my face and couldn't stop the sounds coming out of me. Britt sat wrapped around me, pulling me sideways into her lap.

I rested my head on her chest feeling defeated and depressed.

_"Shhh...I'm here Ana. I'm here babe,"_ she kept cooing.

I was hiccuping between sobs and could barely get my breathing steady.

_"I need to get out of here."_ I pulled out of Britt's lap and slid down out of the bed.

_"Where do you want to go?"_

_"I just need to get through this next couple of days and then I need to get home. Okay?"_

_"Okay...do you want to tell me?"  
_

_"NO! Just...please...I need to not think about it."_

* * *

Britt nodded and headed straight for the suitcase.

I stormed into the bathroom and washed my face over and over. I looked swollen and gross and wasn't sure how helpful my makeup was going to be but I had to try.

I heard the knock at the door while I was halfway through working on my face.

_"Ana...food's here. Finish up...so we can eat before it gets cold."_

I huffed and quickly pushed through my mascara and decided to leave my lips alone until after I ate.

I was daydreaming about simpler times as I made my way to the dining area. My hair was hanging down in tangles around my face and I knew that I looked a horrid mess but couldn't bother to care.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear but I couldn't afford that...I decided some time between putting on my concealer and my eye shadow that if I could control nothing around me then I would just focus on myself and the health of my family.

I plowed through breakfast and made sure to eat until I was full not until my Sue-conscious told me I had enough.

For the first time in years I was truly satisfied with what I ate and how much.

Britt pulled out one of my black power suits and although I packed the perfect set of heels she insisted that I put on my flats instead, saying that she didn't want me to stumble in a daze or anything. I wanted to argue but I was barely holding it together as it was. Once we were both dressed it was a little after noon.

So we decided to head down to the car.

_"Where to Ana?"_

_"Mari's. I want to get some things settled before tonight."_

_"What time is the service?"_

_"Five."_

* * *

The ride to Beverly Hills was surprisingly quick; we were at Mari's in no time at all. When I pulled into the driveway I saw both Mami and Sandra's rentals so I knew that I was probably the only one missing.

I parked the car and then sat back in my seat trying to get myself together.

Even with me building up my resolve, I was feeling insanely nervous.

I am the youngest sister; I am the youngest of my father's children.

Why did I have to hold everyone up?

Normally...okay...fuck that...I have no normal anymore...realistically, I should be able to just be at the funeral with no worries.

But this family wasn't normal and they never thought realistically!

It was fucking screwed up!

* * *

I sat there for over ten minutes just trying to get my breathing under control.

Thoughts of Brenda, Ari, Marco, and my kids swirled in my head until I was dizzy and feeling like I was going to run and find some blow.

The darkness was calling me and I was feeling like my resolve to stay clean was slipping.

I couldn't go back to that place.

To much was at stake.

I had been drumming my fingers against the bottom of the steering wheel, my whole body thrumming with anxiety.

Britt reached over and linked her pinky with mine, trying to soothe me.

I looked over at her and she smiled sweetly at me.

_"I promise that if it gets to much that I'm getting you out of here okay?"_

It shocked me just how serious she looked and suddenly, I was filled with a calming peace because I knew that Brittany was prepared to kick everyone's ass and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there if she had to.

Everyday, Britt was becoming more and more, my hero!

* * *

**A/N: Two chapters in one day...that definitely deserves a good review? Yes?**


	41. Chapter 41:One Sweet Day

**Chapter 41: One Sweet Day (Mariah Carey ft. Boyz II Men)**

* * *

**_It shocked me just how serious she looked and suddenly, I was filled with a calming peace because I knew that Brittany was prepared to kick everyone's ass and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there if she had to._**

**_Everyday, Britt was becoming more and more, my hero!_**

* * *

_"Thanks B."_

I said as I checked my makeup and my hair for the tenth time before climbing out of the car. The moment that we were on the doorstep I could hear the yelling from inside, it was far cry from the night before. I gripped Britt's hand as I froze in place.

_"It's going to be okay, Ana."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"We will get through it...just have some faith."_

_"Why couldn't I just be like a normal funeral attendee?"_

I didn't want to go in there.

I felt my heart speed up and my chest constricting, then there was the tremor in my hands. I needed something to take the edge off. Britt had her hand on the doorknob when I frantically pulled at her arm.

She whipped around and placed her free hand on my chest.

_"Breathe baby. It's just a panic attack. Just breathe through it."_

I was watching her demonstrate how to breathe but it wasn't working, the cravings were washing over me like a tremendous wave ready to take me under.

I felt the bile rising in my throat and I almost choked on it.

_"Come on, Ana...honey...just think about Brenda...think about Ethan and Brendan. Think of Izzy and Dani...come on baby you have to breathe!"_ she now had me wrapped in her arms and was rocking me softly, singing that damned "My Cup" song.

I closed my eyes and let my breathing slow as I listened to the silly song.

After a few moments I could take a deep breath without feeling like my chest was going to cave in and I had my wife to thank for that.

* * *

Britt was still looking down at me waiting for me to give the go ahead as I wiped at my tears and prayed that my makeup wasn't ruined. Thank God for waterproof mascara!

I looked into her eyes and could see all the care and concern that she was feeling for me, my body tingled instead of tremoring and the smile that followed was genuine.

I nodded, took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. I reached deep and pulled out my inner Sue Sylvester and then smiled.

_"Okay, I'm ready."_ I said stepping past her and pushing the door open.

I wasn't going to let anyone bully me.

That was my job!

* * *

It wasn't hard finding my family this time because the yelling was even louder inside then it was on the front step.

I passed the kitchen and saw my nephews sitting with Mami in the kitchen eating Popsicles. I poked my head in and she looked at me with a look that matched Britt's a few moments prior.

_"Hey niños!"_ I said excitedly. Xavier waved at me and showed me his biggest smile. I looked at Evan and could see that the yelling was getting to him. His face was red and his eyes were puffy and swollen. Brenda had always tried to keep her boys in a peaceful environment and so all this yelling was not normal for them. _"Where's Daniela?"_

_"I just put her down...the yelling got bad so I took her upstairs and put her to sleep. She had had a long day."_

_"Oh ok."_

Mami got up from where she was sitting and came over to the doorway, she looked at me worriedly and then she pulled both Britt and me into a hug, pulling our ears close to her mouth in the process.

_"Ana, your Tio Eddie is here with his family. They are all in there fighting about the funeral arrangements and custody of the boys. Celia just brought Quinn as well, so it's pretty tense in there. I'm taking the boys outside to walk in the orchard all of this is way too much for them. I was just waiting to see you, so you weren't going in there blind."_

I nodded and kissed her cheek and could tell that Britt had mimicked me.

_"Thanks Mami, I really appreciate that! Britt why don't you go ahead with her I don't want you pulled into this."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. I will call you if I need you."_

Britt leaned in and kissed my cheek before pulling me into a hug. She was trying to hide it but I could feel her relief. I smiled as big as I could as I waited for the four of them to leave. I was always able to unleash my inner bitch easier when Mami and Britt weren't around and with Quinn in the room, it would seep from me even easier.

* * *

I headed down the hallway and pushed open the double doors to the living room and stepped inside. All the yelling ceased as I stepped into the room, the attention was immediately on me. I spotted Sal sitting in the center of the room looking flustered.

Maybe Sandra was right by having me talk to him, because him here without me looked like it was driving him to quit. I couldn't have that. I walked straight over to him and he stood and wrapped his arms around me. As he held me against him, I could feel the tension in his body ease.

I don't think he had ever been so happy to see me.

_"Are they beating you up Sal?"_ I looked up at him with a smirk, completely ignoring my family.

_"Yes. I thought you and Aden were a handful. Goodness. They are a tough bunch."_ he returned my smirk and then pulled me down to sit beside him.

I looked around at the open stares and grinned.

_"So what's going on?"_

* * *

A few moments ago everyone was at each other's throats but now they all looked hesitant.

How is it possible for me to have such a power role in my family? I think it definitely had something to do with my money and/or who my father was. My bet was on the money though, with my investments and assets I was now at a net worth of 72 million.

Buying a share in Apple and Bacardi had been smart of my father and when he transferred his shares to me unbeknownst to the family my worth skyrocketed and kept growing. So while they knew I had a ton of money...I was glad that with the exception of Sandra, they didn't realize just how much I was worth. Britt didn't even know the full extent of my wealth...not yet.

I was shocked when Sal had told me that when he visited the other day.

We had to discuss Sandra wanting to put a hold on the money and that's when he told me that with the death of Steve Jobs, my share had jumped significantly.

It definitely made me more aware of the fact that the money made me richer than my father had ever been...the family valued that but me, I just wanted to hide from it because I was an addict. My mind kept going back to how much coke I could buy. I should be past those sorts of thoughts but in moments of stress...that's what I thought of.

I closed my eyes and then took a deep breath.

This was so overwhelming.

* * *

I searched the room and saw Quinn standing in the far corner quietly going back and forth with Celia. Felicia sat just five feet away and kept staring at them with a look of disgust.

_"Q?"_ I said loudly.

Her freshly colored, black hair whipped around and she looked at me with a huge smile on her face. I patted the cushion beside me and she nodded. Quinn had always been ballsy in a circumspect way but now...she was just willful. She leaned forward and kissed Celia quickly before bounding across the room and plopping beside me.

_"Hey San!"_ she said as she nudged my side and planted a kiss on my cheek. _"I missed you." _she said giving a me a strange look that after a moment I recognized.

_"Missed you too." _I mumbled._ "Listen...can you go check on Daniela for me? She's upstairs."_

_"Yea...sure." _she said before jumping to her feet and heading straight out of the door. I had given her a way out of this tense situation and she grabbed it with both hands.

* * *

I just wished that I could go with her but because of my status in the family, I had to stay put and handle things that I felt were way too much for someone who was barely twenty. For all intents and purposes, I was still a teenager until June.

But that didn't matter.

Not as much as my bank accounts did.

I knew that money equaled respect in my family so I made sure to hold my head up high and tried to smile. I pushed thoughts of Brenda to the forefront of my mind and went to speak but was immediately cut off.

_"Why are you here?"_ Felicia said raising her voice to a fever pitch.

I was fed up. I had, had enough of her bullshit. I looked her straight in the eye and stared her down.

My sisters were all silent as I prepared to tear down their mother.

_"Listen and hear me clearly, you wench! You will not disrespect me. I don't give a flying fuck who you are! When was the last time that you even spoke to Brenda or saw those boys? You don't fucking know, do you? Brenda told me how you have always treated her boys as less than because their dad was half black. I know how you sent little Johnny a shit load of baby stuff but didn't even congratulate Brenda when she had any of those boys. She told me how you laughed when she told you how her husband was blown to pieces in Iraq. As far as I'm concerned you are the one that doesn't fucking belong here!"_

She looked gobsmacked and indignant. I slapped a smile back on my face, as I maintained eye contact. I clenched my fists as I took a deep breath, I tried to stay calm.

I was waiting for the room to erupt but it didn't, not at all. It was amazing because all that I could hear was crying from across the room.

When I looked up I could see that Mari was crying in Sandra's arms and Celia was rubbing her back. They weren't even going to attempt to defend Felicia and it made my grin spread even wider. I knew that I had hit a nerve and said things that they never had the balls to say to their own mother. I was glad that my mother was out of earshot because I would never have been able to say any of that.

* * *

_"Lies! All of it."_ Felicia finally said once she picked her jaw up off the floor.

I went to speak but was distracted by Sandra coming across the room, yanking Felicia to her feet and pulling her out into the hallway. Mari sat down across from me and wiped at her eyes. She looked hurt...it was like staring right at Brenda but I swallowed that feeling of utter listlessness and smiled politely at her.

_"What else did Brenda say?"_ I was surprised that she was asking me since that was her twin sister and they had always been the closest, had Brenda not shared this with her.

_"She only talked about Felicia and how she hoped none of us would ever turn out to be a mother like her. She told me how she hoped that your future children got the side of you that was compassionate and nothing like your mom. She also said how she has come to look at my mom as more of a mother." _Mari nodded in understanding, I knew that all of my sisters felt that way about my mom and I knew that she cared a hell of a lot for them too.

_"When did you two have this talk?" _

_"After Papi's funeral last year and then a little bit during the summer. Look I'm sorry if I hurt you Mari..."_

_"No...don't back peddle now Ana. I'm not upset with you. I'm just asking because I have a tough decision to make here."_

_"What decision is there? Do one funeral, it's not about the money, it will just be easier on the boys. We can't draw this out. Evan is cracking apart."_ I pleaded with everyone in the room. _"I have never known him to be so broken. He lost his twin just like you did Mari. This is really hard on him. We should get it all over with tonight. Maybe come back and try to celebrate his birthday that we missed yesterday. We can't keep this funeral shit going. Brenda wouldn't want any of this fighting. You know that!"_

Mari nodded her head and looked around at everyone and they were nodding in agreement.

_"That's settled then. We will just do everything tonight."_

_"Good."_

_"That was just the tip of the iceberg, what I'm talking about though is custody. Evan wants to go with you."_

_"What?"_ I was thrown for a loop. _"Why?" _This shocked me completely.

Mari sighed really heavy and fresh tears came to her eyes.

_"It hurts for him to look at me. He cries when I tuck him in, he specifically requested to go to New York with you and if not you then Sandra."_

_"Um...ok...I have to..." _All I could think about was the court case...how would this effect my nephews if they were with me?

_"I'm not going to split them up, Ana."_

_"The answer is obvious, then. I have a full house and I have Isaac in the hospital, Daniela, I have Quinn and I have a pending court case. I think those boys need that one on one attention that maybe I can't give? San only has Little Johnny and a crap load of time on her hands. I know you want them Mari but maybe it is too much on you and the new baby to take anything extra. I mean you and Saul work all the time and you are in the process of moving."_

Mari looked at me and then over towards Johnny. _"Will you and Sandra take them?"_ she asked our brother in law while fighting back her emotions.

_"We would be more than happy to take them Mari, if that's what they want...I think that being with Ana...may be good for them. Ana...if you are going to be on house arrest then you can give them that one on one attention. I don't mind taking them, trust me but if Evan truly wants to be with you, why deny him?"_

_"If you guys think that he won't be too traumatized by me and the house arrest and court shit. I think it's too much. Take them...and if after a few months it's not working out and my court stuff is done, if they still want to be with me...then I can take them."_

_"Okay." _Johnny said as he typed a message on his phone.

She nodded and then pushed up from the couch. She headed towards the door looking tired and defeated. She looked over her shoulder at the occupants of the room and then her eyes landed on me.

_"Ana...I know it's a lot to ask but can you please take care of this,"_ she circled her finger around the room, _" take it off my hands. You're right...I'm barely holding it together. I just want to bury sister and her boys in peace."_

I nodded and watched as she left the room. I looked around at who was remaining. Everyone looked tired or angry.

_"Okay...familia. It has been a rough day. The kitchen is open. Let's eat and just enjoy each other. Those boys have had enough sadness and anger to last them a lifetime. When they get back from their walk, I want them to see their family laughing and getting along. We didn't fly all this way to fight."_

If the glee kids could see me now being the voice of reason, they would be shocked. I had definitely turned a corner in my maturity. Everyone in the room seemed to agree with me because they quickly dispersed towards the front of the house.

* * *

_"So then she stumbles drunk into my room and falls into bed with me. I tried to resist but Quinn just has this growling thing...ugh!"_

_"I do not!"_ Quinn screeched.

I was laughing my ass off as I chilled with my sisters and cousins in the kitchen. Everyone was off in different parts of the house filling each corner with laughter and stories. After ten minutes of the family unity Mari came out from hiding holding Daniela in her arms, I could hear the whining. I tucked into a kitchen barstool and began to feed her. The women in the room glanced my way and smile but then began pressing cookies for the kids to decorate when they came back and didn't pay me any mind.

Thank goodness. I hated being gawked at.

My cousins Demi, Paola and Tito were joking around with Celia wanting to know more about her mysterious girlfriend. She was currently telling them how her and Q hooked up, Quinn stayed quiet and began to crack eggs into a bowl.

_"So Ana...you have slept with this girl too?"_ Demi asked. I froze and shot Quinn a look not quite sure Celia even knew that tidbit. Quinn, kept her head down and began to beat the eggs furiously as her cheeks turned red.

When I saw my sisters raised eyebrow I knew that my inkling was right. Quinn wasn't offering any kind of assistance, instead she was acting like she wasn't even there.

_"Um...yea we were kids though...not even in high school."_ I said trying to reassure my sister.

_"Wow sis...I'm kind of shocked. At least you didn't sleep with Brittany, right, Q?" _she said turning to Quinn.

Quinn still didn't lift her head...she flushed an even deeper shade of red and began to mix in the flour.

My wife and her fucking timing drives me so insane sometimes and this was definitely one of those moments. She had caught the tale end of Celia's comment.

_"Oh we sure have, right Q?"_ Britt said as she bounced in the room with a sleeping Xavier on her shoulder. She came over and pecked me on the lips and then nudged Quinn's shoulder. _"It was so last year you have nothing to worry about. We both had a little too much to drink. Anyway I'm going to go and lay him down...score you're making cookies!"_ she beamed and then left the room.

* * *

I looked over at Celia and she looked pale as she stared Quinn down. Celia was standing across the counter staring at me hard while Quinn stood there mixing her ingredients a little too roughly.

_"Ceily...please don't be pissed...please. We are all in different places in our lives back then." _I looked down and brushed Daniela's little cheek.

_"You know what, Ana, it explains so much. It explains the intimacy between you and Quinn. It's like you are closer than even you and your wife."_

I pressed my lips together and tried not to look annoyed but I could tell that I wasn't doing such a good job.

_"Me and Santana? Seriously? We would kill each other inside of a week!"_ Quinn laughed out as she looked incredously at her girlfriend.

I looked over at Quinn with gratitude, happy that finally said something and apparently it did the trick because Celia's face went back to a normal color and she didn't look like she was going to kill me any longer.

_"I know that you two aren't going to do anything and that I have nothing to worry about it, I guess it just makes me feel stupid. You three walking around...living together as if you haven't all slept together."_

_"Look it's not Ana's fault that I wasn't honest with you. She loves Brittany. She also fought hard for us to get back together."_ Quinn said as she rubbed Celia's back and kissed her lips. _"I only have eyes for you baby, not San, Britt, or Rachel. Just you."_

Celia looked over at me and stared for a long time. I tucked my boob away and began to burp Daniela softly. This conversation was just too much.

_"Please don't be mad Celia."_ Britt said as she rested her chin on my shoulder. I felt her wrap her hands around my waist and then she kissed the side of my neck. _"Ana only has eyes for me and I am totally committed to her now."_

I felt the heat flood my cheeks and other places as she spoke against my neck. B had effectively steered my attention back away from such a touchy subject. Quinn saw me flushing and came and took Daniela from me.

_"Um...why don't you two...go spend some time together while I spend some time with my baby girl here."_ Quinn made a face at Daniela and she smiled. It was the cutest thing in the world.

I was happy that Quinn was returning the favor of getting me out of the room.

I needed it.

* * *

Everyone went back to their tasks as Britt pulled me away for a make out session in the bathroom.

She pressed my body against the sink and kissed along my jaw and down my neck.

_"Oh shit. You don't know what you do to me Britt. Keep this up and I'm not going to be able to wait until after we get back to New York."_

She pulled back and looked down at me with heat in her eyes. She rested her forehead against mine and stared deeply into my eyes.

_"I want you so bad Ana. After you promised me that this morning I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I want to bend you over and...ugh."_ she leaned into me and nibbled my ear.

_"Britt..."_ I whispered out.

_"You want me Ana?"_

_"God yes!"_ I still had the hormones running through my body and not having sex since Labor Day back in September was really starting to take it's toll on me.

There was a loud knocking at the door that I was all set to ignore until I heard a squeaky little voice that effectively splashed cold water on all of my raging hormones.

_"Titi Ana? I gotta go potty!"_ Fuck! It was Xavier awake from his nap.

Britt jumped back and straightened my jacket and wiping my smeared lipstick before opening the door.

Xavier stood there beaming. He pointed up at us and laughed.

_"I tricked you! Ah ha!"_ then the little bum ran screaming. _"Titi Ceily you owe me five dollars!"_

He set us up!

So rude!

* * *

_"Brenda met her husband Ethan when he was stationed in Puerto Rico. She was nineteen when they met and when she got serious about dating him she hid it from our mother until the day they ran off and eloped. He was then stationed in California so they moved with Ethan Jr. and Evan out to a place they had never been. Brenda was head over heels in love with her husband and her children; she also fiercely loved her sisters and nephews. She was on her way home from dropping Evan off at a friends house with her other three sons and was struck head on by a drunk driver. Brenda, Ethan Jr., and Brendan were killed instantly. Her second youngest Xavier was thrown from the car and landed in a bush. He was the only survivor. Brenda is survived by her two sons, Evan and Xavier. Our mother Felicia Nunez, her four sisters, Sandra, Celia, Damariz and Santana, two nephews, Johnny and Isaac and two nieces, Daniela and Norah. A host of cousins, in-laws, uncles and aunts. __Today we come together to send them off with all the things that my sister loved the most, family, friends, stories and music. Our family asks that you please keep her sons in your prayers tonight. Thank you."_

Sandra had always been the strongest of us that was of course, until it was her time to speak at the funeral so Celia stood up and took her place.

The night was truly filled with jokes, stories and so many hopes for Brenda's two remaining sons. We had intended to keep it closed casket even though all three of them just looked like they were sleeping but Evan begged us to let him see them all one last time.

How could we deny him that?

* * *

Xavier had ended up crying himself to sleep in Johnny's arms...he seemed to finally understand that his mom and brothers weren't coming back.

We allowed the rest of the family to go up to the front before us and then me and my three sisters, Celia holding Xavier, all of us surrounded Evan and walked with him to the front. He stood stiffly in front of Brendan and brushed his fingers across his baby brother's face lightly as he sucked in a shaky breath. I bit the inside of my cheek and allowed the tears to run down my face but I wouldn't allow myself to cry out. Then we all touched Brendan at the same time and we bowed our heads as Evan said a little prayer for his baby brother.

My heart was hurting as we moved on to Ethan Jr.

Evan stood there staring at his own face lying there still. He covered his own face for a second as his body shook, I touched his back and he looked up at me with watery eyes. I nodded in understanding, keeping my hand on his back as he placed his hand on his twin's face and leaned over and kissed his forehead. He was whispering in his ear and then he placed his hand on his brother's chest over his heart and we all did the same while he choked through a prayer.

I felt like I was going to pass out when we finally made our way over towards Brenda. She had a ton of makeup caked on her face. Her hair was down but you could still see the scratches on the side of her face. She had taken the force of the impact.

It hurt so fucking much to see her laying there.

This time it was Damariz that stepped forward with Evan holding tight to her hand. She was talking to Brenda and then she was completely leaned over and sobbed against Brenda's chest. We surrounded Damariz closely and touched her and Brenda at the same time. I began to pray out loud for Brenda and the kids and for all of us.

I kept asking God to touch us all and stay with us through this hard time.

Things were really tense earlier back at the house but right now, the room was filled with nothing but love.

Brenda would have loved it.

* * *

When we stepped back towards the pews, the pastor closed the three caskets and made the sign of the cross. Evan stood there and just watched as they rolled his family and lined them up in a long row so that they could be carried out of the church. I was happy that I pushed my family to finish this tonight as I watched my nephew drop to his knees and cry into his hands.

_"No, no, no...God please...no."_ Evan whispered as he cried. I walked over to him and pulled him to his feet and let him cry against me. I held him against me and refused to let go as his whole body shook.

At least I think it was just him that was shaking.

The pastor nodded towards us.

Johnny, Saul, Tio Manny, and Tio Eddie, Ethan's dad and our cousin Tito lined up on either side of Brenda's casket.

I knelt down and rubbed my hands up and down Evan's arms.

"We need you now, Ev...can you do this?"

He looked at me and nodded as he wiped his eyes.

"Yes, Titi...I can do it."

"Okay...go ahead then."

He nodded and headed over to the middle casket. He, Brittany, Titi Carla, and Celia stood on either side of Ethan Jr. and then finally Sandra and Demi stood beside little Brendan. I liked that everyone was falling into rank. My chest got tight as all at once the caskets were lifted and carried out of the church. Damariz and I held onto Xavier's hands following solemnly behind the caskets. With Saul and Mami following us, as they held the babies.

It was good to see everyone working together.

They had finally realized why we were all here.

Thank God!

* * *

The ride to the cemetery at sunset was insanely quiet. I took the opportunity to feed the baby as I laid my head on Britt's shoulder. I was so overwhelmed as I felt my eyes burning from all the tears.

We were all a mess.

I had bought a plot next to Ethan so that Brenda could be buried next to her husband and children. It was in the center of the huge cemetery. I was happy that I could put Brenda and Ethan back together.

This was all insanely tough so I was happy that I could at least be normal enough and calm enough to feed my baby.

Daniela was serving as a kind of sedative for me. I had to hold it together for her.

She needed me.

* * *

When we stepped out of the limo, I handed Daniela back to Mami as I walked Britt over to the casket and walked beside her as they carried the caskets over to the burial plots. Britt's whole face was red as she carried the casket. I watched her whole chest contracting as she choked back her tears. She had Evan on the opposite, side of her and she was trying not to break in front of him.

She had always been, happy Aunt B and she didn't want to show her emotions. She had spent way too much time around me because she was starting to build walls as high as a castle. I was just glad that they weren't with me or the family.

Small miracles were still at work.

Watching all three caskets being lowered into the ground at the same time was just an insane sight that I never wanted to see again.

I knew that Britt felt the same way.

* * *

After the burial everyone that could headed back to Damariz's house .

It was a packed house and the atmosphere was joyous and cordial.

Even Felicia was on her best behavior, for once. Halfway through the night, Johnny had to leave so he could meet his team on Saturday. Damariz and Saul took it upon themselves to take the boys back home so that they could pack up suitcases of stuff they wanted before they took the flight back to New York, the next day.

While they were gone, everyone rushed around decorating the house and making it look like a party. Britt had even gone out to get some gifts for him and a couple for Xavier. Her and Sandra stood off to the side wrapping them with my cousins. Brenda would be so thrilled to see all of us pulling together to celebrate Evan. It was a sight to see! Once again even Felicia, laughed and participated.

I swear it was like being in the fucking twilight zone watching her laugh and joke with Quinn and Celia.

Whatever Sandra had said to her in that hallway, earlier must have really done the trick because she didn't have one off side glance or anything!

Maybe she realized that this was about the boys now and keeping them happy and stable.

Their whole lives had just changed.

Things were definitely about to be shaken up for them.

We needed to all be in their corners, including Felicia.

I was going to make sure of that!

* * *

_"Surprise!"_ the room sang out as Evan walked into the dining room.

Evan looked around and then his eyes landed on me and the corners of his mouth lifted slightly as tears came to his eyes. It was bittersweet but I knew when I saw a little bit of light come back to his eyes as he looked at me, that we had done the right thing.

_"Thank you!"_ Evan said as he flung himself at me. He was fair though, he went around the room and hugged and kissed everyone.

After Evan made it back over to me, we started to sing to him and then passed around presents as I cut the cake that Quinn had made earlier.

For that moment in time, we all forgot the painful evening that we had just had and we celebrated Evan and Xavier.

It was what they needed and in some way, it was what we all needed too.

* * *

After the house had cleared out late Friday night it was just the sisters and Britt. Mami had taken my uncles back to the hotel. I was letting them have it for the weekend. We were sitting around, me trying to book a million flights for the next morning when Damariz's ever-quiet husband spoke up.

_"So I noticed how the family seems to be gravitating towards the East Coast...Mari and I just closed on our house in Manhattan, so we are officially New Yorkers!"_

_"Really?"_ I said excitedly.

Mari nodded and then looked at Celia.

_"Yes...now if we can just convince our floater sister Celia to make her move permanent, we will all be on the East Coast."_

_"That won't be hard with Quinn there."_ I muttered.

_"Yea...I was thinking on getting a condo...it's not far from your house Ana...I was hoping to ask Quinn here," _she squeezed Q's hand._ "to move in with me."_

Quinn's face lit up as she looked at my sister._ "Of course, baby!"_ she said as she wrapped her arms around Ceily and kissed her senseless.

Felicia didn't flinch as she looked on. She just nodded and said to Quinn.

_"I like you for my daughter,"_ then she looked at Celia and smiled. _"She's a keeper...don't mess it up!"_

* * *

We returned to the hotel late that night and didn't plan on sleeping very much. Mami took the baby to her room for the night because she was returning to Lima the next morning and wanted to spend as much time as she could especially since Britt and I had an early flight. The chartered plane was leaving at a little after six and we were not going to be late this time. We were just planning on sleeping on the plane.

A whole group of us would be heading to the airport around the same time, this time it would be Damariz, Saul, baby Norah, Sandra, the boys, Celia, Quinn and then me, Britt and Daniela. It was going to be a packed plane and so we were all trying to get ourselves ready so that we could all be there on time.

We had to stay awake.

I was still feeling antsy and shaky as we packed our bags.

_"Are you hungry, Ana?"_

_"No...not really. All that cake has me stuffed."_ I smiled as we walked hand in hand towards the suite. My uncles and cousins, headed out right out after the funeral and Quinn was staying in Celia's room, so it was just us.

_"Too bad."_

She whispered as she shut the door behind me and pushed me up against it.

_"How can you be in the mood?"_ I asked as she nipped at my bottom lip.

_"You don't want me?"_ she asked as she kissed my neck. _"When's the next time we get alone time like this, babe?"_ she said as she began to peel off my jacket.

_"Um...uh."_ I felt like a teenage boy...all the blood rushed from my head straight to my clit. I was on fire.

_"Tell me to stop and I will."_ she mumbled as she sucked on my neck and continued to undress me.

_"Uh, uh...oh...shit..."_ Britt had moved quickly as she hoisted me up so that I had my legs around her waist.

_"How about a shower?"_ she mumbled as she walked us into the bedroom.

I was lost in her kisses as I clung to her and kissed her back.

She was able to navigate us to the bathroom without injury and before I knew what was happening, I was naked and pressed against the cold tile.

_"I missed you so much Britt."_ I moaned as she sucked on my breasts lightly._ "That feels so good!"_ I had been worried that after breastfeeding this would be awkward but it felt so different.

She dropped to her knees and lifted me so that both my legs were thrown over her shoulders.

It was like the first time all over again.

My body was shaking uncontrollably as she sucked my clit into her mouth.

_"Oh God! Britt! Just like that! Fuck!"_ I squealed out.

I pressed my hands to the back of her head and pulled her as close to my body as possible. Her head bobbed as she sucked and licked at me. I was teetering on the edge of an orgasm when she shoved her fingers deep inside of me.

_"Ay! Brittany!"_ I kept chanting as she pounded into me over and over again. _"I'm soooo...ahhhh...God...right there!"_

I saw stars as I orgasmed for the first time in almost six months.

* * *

I stood against the wall catching my breath as Britt slowly washed my body. I was like a rag doll as she massaged my muscles and then began to make her way back down to the throbbing in between my legs.

_"Your really wet, Ana."_

_"Yea...it's what you do to me."_

_"Yea?"_ she said as she pressed me against the wall again. I nodded as I sucked her lip in my mouth and wormed my hand down to touch her. She trembled and dropped her forehead against mine. _"Oh God...Ana I want you so bad."_

_"Your wish is my command."_

We rocked on our feet as we came together, over and over again.

The water was ice cold when we finally made it out of the shower.

* * *

I was a different person as I made my way into the bedroom and began to lotion my body and get ready for the day.

Britt and I were going to be returning to New York more united.

Every time our eyes met it was like we were schoolgirls again, it was like that first time we had seen each other.

_"I love you so fucking much Britt Britt."_ I said as I leaned up and met her lips.

_"I love you too, Ana...so fucking much!"_ she said as she nibbled on my lip.

We ended up back in bed until it was time to leave.

It was a great way to end a heavy weekend.

Brittany had managed to take the darkest thoughts and deepest cravings and push them completely from my mind.

As the flight took off back home, toward court cases and Cancer...I held fast to Britt's hand and knew that no matter what was coming my way...everything would be alright.

* * *

**A/N: THE END!**

**No...Just kidding :P Stay tuned folks!**


	42. Chapter 42:Do What U Gotta Do

**Chapter 42: Do What U Gotta Do (Angie Stone)**

* * *

**_As the flight took off back home, toward court cases and Cancer...I held fast to Britt's hand and knew that no matter what was coming my way...everything would be alright._**

* * *

It's amazing how quickly things change in the justice system.

How quickly, a person will turn on you.

I was hovering fourty thousand feet above New York City when my mother called me.

_"You need to say goodbye to your wife and the baby before you set foot off that plane, do you understand."_ I looked over at Britt who was holding Daniela and humming softly.

_"What happened?"_

_"Marco...he spoke to your judge, there are officers waiting at the airport for you. You are being brought up on attempted murder charges. He told them about the bleach."_

_"Oh God."_ I whispered as I covered my mouth with my hand.

_"I'm catching a flight out there right now. I'll see you in a couple of hours."_

Fuck!

* * *

_"What's wrong?"_ Britt said as she leaned closer to me.

_"I'm about to be arrested."_ I whispered, knowing that my nephews were in earshot.

_"What?"_ Britt screeched. Everyone turned towards us and Britt looked around wild eyed.

_"B...you have to just make sure that the boys don't see it...please?"_ I pleaded. She always worked better when she had a task.

_"Okay."_

_"Thank you, here...let me hold the baby."_ I said as the plane started to ease closer to the ground for a landing.

I adjusted myself so that I could feed Daniela one last time before I got carted it off. Who knew how long it would be before I got back home.

As we landed, my heart sped up and my body shook. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as Britt jumped to her feet and went over to talk to my sisters.

She was talking fast, trying to get them to take the boys off the plane first. I sat there with my eyes closed, feeling hopeless as I tried to make the tears stop. I had planned to go see Isaac straight from the plane but that wasn't going to happen now.

I wanted to kill Marco!

* * *

Everyone had long left the plane but I refused to leave just yet. I had pulled out my breast pump and was making bottles for my baby, the officers were nice enough to wait by the door while I did this. I promised that I would cooperate but I needed to make sure that my baby was fed. Britt was standing with them, anxiously rocking from one foot to the other with Daniela sleeping against her chest.

The machine buzzed as I finished filling the last bottle.

I sighed heavily as I screwed on the cap and resituated my clothing.

_"I'm done."_ I said, standing to my feet and looking towards the door where the two cops were standing. _"Is it really necessary to cuff me?"_ I said as I saw the one cop taking out his hand cuffs.

_"Yes...standard procedure with the charges that you are faced with."_ he said as he walked towards me.

_"Can I kiss my wife and my baby first?"_ I said with a smile on my face.

_"Okay."_ I nodded and walked over to Brittany.

My wife had tears in her eyes as she tried to smile. She looked at me and then wrapped and arm around me and pulled me in close.

_"We are going to work through this Ana. Don't worry about the kids...everything will be taken care of. Okay?"_

_"I love you, Britt Britt."_ she leaned in and kissed me hard. I could feel all of her angst and sadness as our lips connected. It wasn't the most ideal situation but any kiss from Britt was like magick.

_"I love you too babe! So much!"_

I kissed Daniela all over her face and then held my nose to her neck. I inhaled deeply and then kissed her there. This was what I would miss the most, being able to kiss her and touch her whenever I wanted to. These were big charges, I had no idea when I would get out again. I handed the baby back to Britt and then smiled at her once more before putting my hands behind my back.

* * *

I slid into the back of a police cruiser with my hands clasped with the cold metal of the cuffs digging into my wrists. I kept my head down and my eyes closed as the sirens went on and we pulled away from the airport. We had been driving a few minutes when the cop that cuffed me turned around and whistled towards me.

_"You have a beautiful family."_ he said as he tried to make conversation.

_"Thank you."_ I whispered.

_"I'm sorry that we had to pick you up like this, judges orders."_

_"It's fine."_ I mumbled as I kept my eyes down, facing my lap.

_"Sorry about your loss."_

_"Yea...thanks." _I said quietly before lifting my head and meeting his eyes.

_"Real tragedy that Marco decided to implicate you after so much time."_

I got that this guy was trying to make this transition to prison easier for me but despite his intentions, he was just making me feel worse. I nodded towards him and then decided to change the subject.

_"Where am I being taken?"_ I said quietly.

_"Rikers until your hearing."_ he said as he nodded any turned back around.

_"Thanks for being so understanding back there."_ I said before dropping my head again. He was trying to be nice and was being more open than most cops so I wasn't going to be a complete and total ass to him.

I didn't need to make any enemies at the moment.

* * *

There is something incredibly humbling about being so rich and powerful with my family and then having to strip down to a ugly brown jumpsuit. I had to take that demeaning cold shower and then I was carted off just like any old common criminal. I was put into a single cell, in a unit for people like me?

When I asked what they meant by that the guard snorted and said in a cold voice, "Murderers."

Just hearing that word sent a chill through my bones.

I laid on my mattress and stared up at the ceiling feeling cold and a little sore. I hadn't slept since the day before so I wasn't shocked when sleep began to take me under.

It was better that way.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I jerked awake, my whole body suddenly stiff and rigid. I sat up as the door opened and the lights flooded the room.

_"Get up! You have a visitor."_ I sat up from the bed and tried to get my bearings. I felt my body shaking badly.

The cravings were back in full force.

_"Who is it?"_ My voice tore from my throat harshly.

_"Do I look like fucking bellhop? Let's go!"_ I pulled my hair into a ponytail and then made my way towards the doorway. The guard gripped my arm tightly and helped me to walk down the hall. I felt sick to my stomach as the cravings made my body quake. _"You a junkie?" _

I lifted my eyes and shook my head vigourously. _"I haven't touched the stuff in months."_ I said confidently.

_"Yea well...it doesn't look like it."_ he said with a snide look on his face.

* * *

I sat handcuffed to table, just like Marco was last week, as I sat waiting for my visitor to arrive. I had my eyes closed and was picturing my babies faces when the door on the opposite end of the room opened. My eyes popped open as I watched the door closely.

I didn't speak as Mami entered the room with another woman.

Even though I was happy to see my mother, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't Brittany walking through that door.

My mom's face dropped when she saw me sitting there not being able to move.

"How are you, all things considered?" she said

I was too tired to be sarcastic so I just blinked back my tears and tried to smile.

_"I just want to go home to my kids."_ I said quietly as I dropped my head.

_"I talked to Marco."_ My head shot up as I looked in my mother's eyes. _"He tried to take back what he said but once the words were out there...well, they decided to charge you after the autopsy results. Her family came forward and they want to take down everyone involved."_

_"So essentially...I'm fucked?"_ I said as anger coursed through me.

_"No...don't you dare give up fighting for your freedom, Santana. That's why I brought Evelyn here."_

I looked at the silent woman and tried to read her but found that she had a bigger wall up than I did.

_"And who is Evelyn, exactly?"_ I said as I looked back at my mother.

_"She's an attorney, she's going to help me get you out of here. Tomorrow morning at your hearing, they are going to ask for your plea."_

I could feel that my face was cold as I looked back at my mother.

_"And you want me to plead not guilty?"_ I asked, feeling the sarcasm come back full force.

_"I want you to tell the truth, yes."_

_"Which version of the truth?"_ I asked.

_"Don't play games, Santana. This is bigger than you...do you understand?"_ Mami slammed her hand down on the table in frustration.

_"Yes, Mami. I get it. Don't you think that I want to be with my kids? That's all that I want."_

_"Then you are going to have to let me do what I do best."_

Lie.

I swear that was the first thing that came to my mind as I looked at my mother throw up her thickest walls. I nodded politely and allowed her to go on and on about the semantics of my case. I didn't argue. I just filled out papers and signed my statement for the judge. I found out that my hearing wasn't until the next afternoon, so Mami was going to come in the morning to let me pump more milk for Daniela. Of course I would have to be monitored while doing it.

The more time that I spent in the system, the more I wanted to run far away from the idea of being a lawyer and instead running to LA to persue fame and fortune.

It would be easier than this life.

* * *

After being rounded up like cattle and being forced to eat among the masses, I was carted into a game room and made to sit there for an hour of free time before being able to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at a random table instead of interacting with other people. I was just so tired. I didn't want to be in this place but if I was going to be, I would at least catch up on my sleep.

The other women kept looking at me but no one had enough balls to approach me, at least not at first.

_"You new here?"_ I heard a deeper voiced woman say. I raised my head just enough to look at her and was shocked to see such a beautiful woman looking back at me.

Her hair was black like mine and her eyes were a darker shade of black. She was beautiful...too beautiful for this place. I sat up fully and looked her in the eyes.

_"Yes."_ I said strongly. I wasn't about to become anyone's bitch.

_"Yea...I figured. You're too pretty to be here...what happened boyfriend piss you off and you kill him?"_ she said as she slid into the seat across from me.

I smirked and shook my head.

_"No. You?"_ I said as I crossed my hands over my chest.

_"Caught my brother-in-law trying to rape my little girl and killed him in a fit of rage."_ she said as she looked down at her hands. _"And I would do it again."_ she said as she looked up at me with a cold expression.

_"Shit."_ I whispered as I looked at her shaking hand. I looked in her eyes and saw her eyes bounce. I knew the look in her eyes, I had seen it plenty of times.

_"So did you kill someone?"_ she asked again.

I shook my head and then put my sweaty hands flat on the table.

_"Not quite. I attempted to but wasn't successful...laced some coke with powered bleach...the wrong person got a hold of it."_

_"Tough."_

_"Yea." _My boobs were aching with the fullness of the milk. I loosened my arms from around my chest and then immediately covered them again when I felt the leaking.

_"Breastfeeding?" _she said softly.

I nodded and looked away.

I didn't want to cry.

I wouldn't cry...not here...not now_. _

She stood from her seat and walked over to one of the female guards and pointed towards me. I ducked my head in embarrassment. This was totally not cool. They were headed over to me.

_"You having a problem, Mrs. Lopez?" _she said to me nicely._ "With...your milk?" _she said in a low tone. I nodded and she placed a hand on my arm_. "Come with me, I have just the thing."_

I was insanely embarrassed as the woman gave me gauze like pads to put in my bra to absorb the milk. After that was taken care of she led me back to my room so that I could get some rest.

_"Thank you so much." _I said to her before she closed my door.

_"I totally understand...how old is your baby?" _

_"One month, yesterday." _I said as I peeled the top off and tossed it in the sink.

_"I hope that she's with people that you trust."_ The guard said before walking out and closing the door.

_"She's with her mother." _I whispered quietly to the empty room.

* * *

The next morning I was allowed to sleep in and breakfast was waiting for me in the game room. I sat alone at a table and slowly broke apart my bread and dipped it in the peanut butter and then the jelly. It was how I liked to eat my Peanut Butter and Jelly as a kid before I could cook. When that was all that was in the house, I found that if I ate it this way, all torn apart that I stayed fuller, longer.

_"You eat like my daughter."_ I looked up to see the same woman from last night, sliding in across from me.

_"Yea? She must be pretty awesome."_ I smiled as I popped another piece of bread in my mouth.

_"She is."_

_"How old is she?"_ I said as I continued to eat.

_"She's seven."_ I looked across the table at this woman who looked insanely young and tried to imagine her as a mom of a seven year old.

_"I know...I look young...I was fifteen when I had her. What about you though...you look like you're still in High School."_ I laughed for the first time in days.

_"Actually, I'm nineteen. I just graduated from high school last June."_

_"Wow. So how old is your baby?"_

_"A month old."_ I said quietly.

_"A new mom and already you are away from her?"_ she said as she reached across and swiped my apple. _"Raw deal."_

I grabbed the apple back and took a huge bite from it before handing it back to her. She smirked and began to happily chomp away at it.

_"Actually, she's my second. My son is almost one."_

_"Wow! Your boyfriend must like what you look like pregnant huh?"_ she said as she chuckled.

_"Actually, I'm lesbian and I have wife."_ I laughed out loud when I saw her almost choke on the apple.

_"Holy shit! Here I thought you were like some innocent! Wow. I like you! My name's Brenda what's yours." _I sat there shell shocked as I stared at this woman who shared the name of my dead sister. She looked at me sideways as she chewed the apple. _"Are you alright?"_

_"Yea...um...my name's Santana."_

_"Nice to meet you Santana Lopez."_ I looked at her sideways and cocked an eyebrow.

_"The guard yesterday called you by your last name."_ I nodded in understanding and polished off the last of my deconstructed sandwich.

_"Nice to meet you Brenda."_

_"Just call me, Enda...it's what everyone else does."_

_"Gladly."_ I said feeling relief at not having to say my sister's name so soon.

_"Are you okay?"_

I nodded and pushed my tray away before looking her in the eyes.

_"My sister Brenda just died a few days ago...you kind of shocked me."_

_"Shit...I'm sorry for your loss."_

_"Thanks."_

_"You want to play cards or something?" _she said as she pulled a pack from her pocket.

_"Anything to get my mind off of the crazy shit in my life."_

_"So no more!"_

And I didn't.

* * *

_"So...I have been here for six months because the public defender is jerking me around."_

_"Wow." _I said as I dealt a card.

_"Asshole. I just wish that they would sentence me already. Jayla has already been through enough. Nobody brings her to see me so I haven't seen her since that night."_

I looked at the pain in her eyes as she talked about her daughter and it hurt to think about not being able to see my kids for six months.

It would break me inside.

_"So why not try your luck with another lawyer?"_

_"We're Latina, Santana nobody is ready to fucking help us with shit...not unless you have the money to pay them."_she whispered as she shook her head in anger.

I thought about how much shit I would have gone through without my mother and Sal around to bail me out.

What if I didn't have the money to help myself?

This girl right here was reminding me of the reason that I wanted to be a lawyer.

_"Santana Lopez!"_ My head jerked up as I looked over at the guard. _"Your hearing's in twenty minutes."_

I nodded and stood to my feet. I caught Enda's eye and smiled softly.

_"Everything us going to work out for you. I have faith that it will."_

_"Thanks. Same to you San!"_

* * *

I hadn't been allowed to change out of my jumpsuit so, I just brushed my hair the best that I could. Enda told me that they probably weren't going to expect me to get out so there was no point of getting me all dressed up for a thirty minute hearing.

Boy were they wrong.

_"Mrs. Lopez, how does your client plead?"_ The judge looked over towards my mother.

_"Not guilty, your honor."_ I said confidently.

After that everything pretty much changed. The judge reviewed the case and my file and seemed impressed by it.

So she put me on house arrest effective immediately pending a trial before the grand jury.

My whole chest released all the tension that I had been holding.

_"Your honor, may I approach?"_ My mother said quietly. The judge nodded and I watched my mother walk up to the front. They talked for a few minutes before, Mami nodded and walked back towards our table. I looked at her in the eye and caught her wink just before the judge cleared her throat.

_"Santana, your attorney has informed me that you have a sick child in the hospital, is that correct?"_

_"Yes, your honor."_ I said as I dropped my chin a bit.

_"In light of this information, you will be permitted to visit your son in the hospital for two hours a day, that includes travel time. You are to contact the court when you leave your place of residence and when you arrive at the hospital. You are advised to remain in the custody of your attorney during those times, understood?"_

I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and nodded in agreement. It didn't matter what the stipulations were, as long as I got to go see my son.

I was getting what I wanted...and if I had any control over it...so would other people.

* * *

I dressed quietly into my now wrinkled sweats and put on my sneakers before heading over to the discharge area. I waited patiently as they gave sat me down and hoisted up my left ankle.

I didn't put up a fight as they strapped it on my ankle monitor.

_"Okay, Santana, this is an active unit. That means that you have certain places where the unit is approved to go, like the hospital, one block radius of your home. If you leave those zones at any time, the local police will be notified and you will end up right back here. Got it?"_

_"Yes, sir." _

_"The judge had cleared you for hospital visitation throughout the rest of the day but you are to be in your place of residence no later than seven p.m. The monitor will signal the police if you leave your home between seven p.m. and seven a.m. without your consulting the court. Understand?"_

_"Yes." _

_"Good. You're free to go."_

I almost laughed out loud at the irony of his statement but I thought it was wiser to just smile and nod. I didn't want any enemies.

My kids needed me and so for them and for Britt, I would be on my best behavior.

I was really lucky to be able to walk out into the sunlight, people like Enda, weren't so lucky.

Which was really starting to bother me.

* * *

The moment that I stepped into the hospital room, I heard Isaac singing along in garbled words to Elmo.

_"Papa."_ I whispered as I knelt down next to his crib.

_"Mami! Beso. Mami, Mami, Mami!"_ he called out for me.

I bit hard on my cheek as I fought back the tears that flooded my eyes.

_"It's me, Papa."_ I said as I watched him take a few steps across the crib towards me.

I was shell shocked as I watched him take those steps all by himself.

He was growing up so fast.

When he finally made it to the edge of the crib, I checked for any wires and then lifted him up out of the crib and kissed his face.

He still smelled like himself and it made my heart melt.

God how I had missed my son.

_"Beso."_ he said as he leaned his head against my shoulder.

I spun him around and landed a million kisses on his chubby cheeks.

* * *

I had been sitting there with Isaac for a few minutes when the door creaked open.

_"Santana?"_

I turned my head towards the door and was greeted by Isaac's doctor.

_"Oh hi!"_ I said quietly, since Isaac had fallen to sleep on my chest.

_"How are you?"_

_"I could be better. How about you?"_

_"Good...can I talk to you?"_

_"Of course!"_

_"The tests came back and there was no mold spores found in Isaac's lungs. Thankfully. While you were gone though, I had him tested by an allergist. We found that he is allergic to dairy products. These may be triggering his episodes."_

_"Oh...right...we can manage that right?"_

_"Absolutely. Other than that...he's pretty much free to go, if you wanted to take him home today."_

_"Really?"_ I said excitedly.

_"Yes. I have the papers here."_

He handed me his clipboard and I could feel my cheeks flooding with tears.

This was better than Christmas.

Even then as I was filling out the paper work, I thought about Enda and how she wasn't seeing her little girl and here I was able to swoop into the hospital and take my little boy home.

I had to do something about this.

* * *

I was on edge as I held Isaac tight to my chest in the backseat of Mami's car. I didn't have a car seat for him and so I was insanely anxious the whole ride back to the house.

_"Did you call Britt?_" I asked Mami as we made our way the ten blocks home.

_"No...I wasn't sure if they were going to release you, she is at the theater all day and I didn't want to bother her if they ended up keeping you."_

_"Oh."_

_"She should be home by now though."_

_"Yea?"_ I asked hopefully.

_"Yes."_

Sure enough, as we pulled into the driveway, I saw Britt bouncing down the street wrapped up in her music and not really paying attention to the car pulling up next to the house.

Mami came to the back and opened the door for me, before slowly helping me out the car.

_"Thanks, Mami."_ I whispered as I turned towards the house, clutching my son.

_"Ana?"_ Britt sounded breathless as she stood in front of me.

I smiled really wide and then walked towards her.

_"Hi B. We're home."_

_"Yea?"_ she said as she hesitated.

_"Yea."_

Britt's face beamed as she came over and took Isaac from my arms and then wrapped my hand in her elbow and led me up the stairs towards our front door.

_"I'm so happy that you are home, Ana."_

_"Me too, B."_

_"Did they give you one of those ankle things?"_

I leaned forward and lifted my pant leg.

_"Yep."_

_"Wow. It's not a camera is it?" _she wiggled her eyebrows.

_"No...we are not doing another sex tape...no._" I chuckled.

_"Hey...I had to try."_ she winked as she pushed the door open for me.

A rush of warmth hit me as I stepped inside.

I was home, right where I belonged.

* * *

**A/N: Short transitional chapter. I hope that you enjoyed it! Multi POV chapter coming soon! **

**Thanks for reading, please review.**


	43. Chapter 43:Ordinary People

_**A/N: We are in the home stretch my dear readers...this part of the story is soon coming to a close. Trilogy? or No? I am ready to walk away from this A/U if you are! We still have a month left in the hiatus...and I should be closing this story out in a matter of days...so let me know, PM, review...whatever you need to do. I do read everything! **_

_**Enjoy this multi-POV! It's a long one! **_

_**-A**_

* * *

**Chapter 43: Ordinary People (John Legend)**

* * *

_**A rush of warmth hit me as I stepped inside.**_

_**I was home, right where I belonged.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Everyone in the house was asleep as I sat in the kitchen with Ana, listening to her tell me about the woman that she met while being locked up. I was completely focused on her lips as she spoke to me about her new crusade to save this woman...Enda?

Was that right?

I was completely lost in the sound of her voice and the way she had a simple just below her lip that nothing else really mattered.

I wanted to suck her lip between my teeth and nibble it until it was swollen. I wanted to touch her, tease her, and taste her. She oozed sexiness and I just wanted more of her after the bit that I had the night before in LA.

I was drumming my fingers against each other in my lap as I leaned hunched over the table and imagined how soft her lips were at that exact second. She poked her tongue out just enough to wet them and I melted right there.

_"Yum."_ I muttered.

_"Yum? Brittany? Are you even listening to me right now?"_ I looked up at her irritated eyes and smiled.

_"I'm sorry, Ana...it's just...I could be fucking you right on this table right now."_ I pleaded.

_"What?"_

_"I just...it's like yesterday turned on something in me...I have to have you."_ I said honestly.

_"Right now?"_ she cocked her eyebrow.

_"Yes."_ I growled.

Where did that come from?

* * *

Ana straddled my lap and hoisted up her night shirt, revealing that she was completely naked underneath. My eyes bulged as I felt her warmth and wetness brush my bare thigh.

_"I want you too, B."_ she said in that raspy voice of hers.

I sat there in awe of her as she placed a hand on either side of my face and crashed her lips into mine.

I almost came right then and there.

Things became hot and heavy as I wasted no time and shoved three fingers inside of her.

_"Fuck!"_ she bit down hard on my lip and even though I could taste the harsh metallic taste of my blood, I kept pounding into her. She tried to move with me but I gripped her waist with my free hand so that I could hold her in place.

_"Does it feel good, baby?"_

_"Fuck, yes...B!"_ she groaned against my ear. _"Don't stop...go harder baby."_ she pleaded and I gave her what she asked for.

She was getting increasingly louder, so I captured her lips and sucked in her moans as I hit deep inside of her, harder and harder. She came in a shuddering mass but I didn't stop...I don't like to stop when her orgasm comes.

Ever.

_"We have to make up for lost time, Ana."_ I said as I flicked her clit. She came immediately, her arms wrapped tightly around me as she bounced on my hand.

_"More, B...give me more."_

_"More?"_

_"Yes...more of you." _

_"Like this?"_ I added another finger and she groaned and bit my shoulder.

_"Yes!"_ she said as she ground down harder. _"So goo...ahh...good!"_ she said with a crazy look in her eyes.

She came again, this time soaking my hand. I wiped it on her shirt and then wrapped my arms around her as she slumped against me.

_"I love you, Ana."_

_"Um...yes...I love you too, Britt Britt."_ she said with a yawn as she laid her hand against my shoulder and promptly fell asleep.

This was is how things were supposed to be.

I was on a crusade to get us back to where we started and with her now forced to be home all the time, I knew that now was my opportunity!

So I was going to take it and run!

* * *

Ana was always lighter than me, but lately she was feeling extra light. I hadn't realized it until, I stood up with her wrapped around me. It was like I was carrying Xavier again. She felt feather light and it worried me.

Back in sophomore year, when we first started to fooling around, she had been light like this.

I remember inviting her to sleep over my house and we pigged out on pizza and ice cream. I had passed out watching Sweet Valley High and when I woke up a little while later, it was still mid episode but Ana was gone. I figured that she had gone to get more ice cream but as I passed by the kitchen and by default the downstairs bathroom, I heard a gagging noise.

I pushed the door open and saw her with her fingers shoved down her throat. I didn't understand it, so I had left her alone. It wasn't until the next day when I talked to Quinn about it, that she explained how Ana had been dealing with bulimia for over a year. After that I researched it on the internet and read a ton of articles that told me all about it.

I confronted her with the printed out articles and she promised me that she wouldn't make herself throw up again.

She kept that promise because after that she started to run on the track team, constantly telling me that she would just exercise the weight off. I didn't think it was a problem until I noticed that the more she exercised, the less she ate.

This time, I knew that it was anorexia and I knew that no amount of confronting her was going to make her better.

Ever since, she found out that she was pregnant with Izzy, Ana did everything right, as far as eating went. As far as I knew anyway and when it came to Dani...she had no choice because she wasn't awake most of the time.

But now...with all that baby weight she had gained in the last year...I had a feeling that she was falling back into old habits.

As I carried her up the stairs, my mind was going in circles, trying to figure out just how to stop this before it got out of control again.

I wasn't going to deal with it alone.

We would get back to being ourselves, not for me but for our kids.

They were what was most important.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I woke up feeling deliciously sore and expecting Daniela to be awake and begging to eat but when I looked over, she was still sound asleep.

Strange.

_"Oh...there was still some milk left, I fed her already while you slept. I just put her down."_

_"You didn't have to do that." _

I didn't like that I was being so sensitive after Britt did something so sweet but to be honest...it was one of my favorite things to do these days.

_"I just wanted you to get some sleep. I know that I kept you from it last night."_

_"Ummm..yea you did."_ I could feel my face get hot as I turned towards her and felt the soreness between my legs. _"Did you carry me back up here?"_ I asked, suddenly realizing that I hadn't walked myself.

_"Yea...about that-"_

She was cut off by her phone ringing and I felt like I was saved from a talk that I wasn't going to like. I could just tell from the look in her eyes. I took her opportunity of distraction to get up from the bed and head to the shower.

When I placed my feet on the floor, I was reminded of what I had just been through, when I felt the plastic scrap my leg. I sat on the edge of the bed and just stared down at the ugly black anklet and silently thanked God that it was winter and I had no need to wear a bikini...not that I could leave the house anyway.

* * *

When I climbed out of the shower and walked into the bedroom, Britt was sitting in bed, phone still glued to her ear while playing with Isaac on the bed. I walked into the closet and began to change into an old track suit and did everything to calm the cravings that were ripping through me. My stomach panged with hunger and nausea simoultaneously.

The bile was rising in my throat. I did my best to choke back the need to vomit and silently walked back across the room, past Britt and into the bathroom. I locked the door and promptly fell to my knees. I had to get it out.

This wasn't intentional.

It was a part of the cravings. Nothing more. I couldn't help it.

I leaned over but nothing came out.

Fuck.

I had long ago promised B that I wouldn't make myself throw up and I had managed to keep that promise so now I just had to stay there knelt over the porcelin bowl.

Then I remembered something that I had learned from one of the Cheerios. I took a deep breath and sucked in my stomach and then pushed it out, I repeated this swiftly, over and over again until I felt the bile rising.

I didn't hold back this time as it came rushing over my tongue and down into the bowl.

Knock. gag. Knock. gag. Knock. heave.

I was drive heaving now as I heard Britt knocking on the door.

She knew.

That's what this was about.

She fucking knew what I was doing.

This was not what I needed.

I needed the calm.

I had to make this right before she read to much into it.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Hey B, where's San?"_ I asked as I walked into their bedroom.

Britt had been on the phone and playing with Izzy when I walked in. She kept shooting nervous looks at the bathroom door.

_"She's in the bathroom...with the door locked."_ she said in a whisper, while covering up the phone.

_"Is everything alright?"_

_"I'm not sure...I think...uh...can you just check on her? I'm on hold with my boss...apparently it's important. I need to take Izzy down to eat."_

_"Um...sure, B."_

_"Please, Quinnie?"_

_"You got it, B."_

Britt quickly scooped up Izzy and headed out of the room. I looked over and saw that Dani was still asleep, so I couldn't yell through the door. I knocked and heard a choking sound.

Fuck.

Not this again.

* * *

I hated Sue Sylvester for ever suggesting to Santana that she could stand to lose some weight. Ever since we were kids, she always weighed less than me but her Latin hips did a lot to make her look shapelier than she was. Underneath her clothes she was nothing but skin and bones and I don't care what the magazines say, that is not sexy.

She basically lived alone so there was no one there to make her eat.

I tried my best but with my pregnancy and her dad being so brutal with her, there was only so much that I could do.

I was beyond thrilled when B stepped in but even that didn't really work like it should have.

The pregnancies saved Santana's life and now with her not being pregnant anymore.

This could get bad.

_"San, it's me...open the door...or I swear I will knock it the fuck down."_

I heard shuffling and then the lock clicked. I stood back just in case she planned to walk out but she didn't.

I pushed the door open and saw San standing at the sink brushing her teeth. I made a move towards the toilet to sit and she flinched, quickly reaching over and flushing the toilet.

_"You okay, San?"_

I asked as I sat there staring at her reflection. She was avoiding my eyes.

She shrugged and then continued to brush her tongue. I waited there patiently. I had been around her like this for a long time, I knew this game.

The more I asked of her, the more she would avoid the subject so I had to wait for her to talk.

I didn't move as she began to wash and dry her face. I had picked up one of those stupid trashy magazines that she liked so much because I wasn't going to just sit and stare.

Finally I heard her sigh. I put down the stupid magazine and looked up at my oldest friend. San was leaning against the sink with her hands clenched. Her body was shaking and she had a desperate look in her eyes.

_"What's going on San? Did something happen?"_

I asked as I patiently crossed my hands on top of my lap.

She had a cold, hard look in her eyes all of a sudden and was clenching her hands into fists.

_"I...the cravings are getting really bad." _She said in an icy voice.

_"Have you told Britt?"_

_"She knows...she just doesn't know how bad they are." _she looked at me in that serious, secretive way.

She didn't want me to run to Brittany about this.  
_  
"Should I be worried Santana?" _she looked at me wide eyed.

It was a simple question on the outside but it was also loaded. It was something that I had asked her a lot over the years and she never lied when I asked it.

_"I want to say no."_

She said as she shook her head and covered her face with her hands.

_"But?"_

_"If I were you...if I were B..." _she trailed off as she wiped a few tears. Just like that she was turned back towards the sink and scrubbing her face again.  
_  
"Tell me what you need San." _I asked after she rinsed her face with scalding water.

She stood there for a long while, staring into her reflection. She was at war with herself.

Dani began crying and immediately her features softened and a small smile graced her lips.

She walked towards the open doorway and then hesitated.  
_  
"I need a miracle." _she whispered before walking into her bedroom to feed the baby.

The defeat in San had me concerned. It was something I rarely saw, it only really happened when it involved Marco.

She was right, she needed a miracle.

We all did.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What do you mean she pulled out of the show? Before I left for LA she was all set!"_

I was pacing the kitchen as Izzy shoved Cheerios in his mouth. I felt like I was going to rip my hair out.

_"Look Brittany, we are willing to keep her on...but I've talked to her and she was adamant about withdrawing from the production."_

_"Let me talk to her."_

_"Ok. Good luck."_

I slammed the phone down on the counter, it already had a cracked screen from when I had thrown it the week before. I heard more crackling and ground me teeth.

"Fuck." I muttered.

"Fuc!" I heard from behind me.

Crap.

_"Is he saying that word again?"_ I whipped around and saw Ana walk in the kitchen with a stern look on her face. _"I'm going to kill Quinn."_

_"It was me...I forgot he could hear me."_

_"Fuc!"_ Izzy squealed again. _"Fuc Mami!"_ he said as he clapped his hands together.

Ana looked at me and pointed a finger at her chest.

_"Did my son just curse at me? Oh this is just getting ridiculous!"_ she muttered as she cleaned up his high chair, angrily picking up soggy cereal and shooting me dirty looks.

_"What's ridiculous?"_ Q came into the kitchen with her phone to her ear.

_"You and Brittany keep cursing around my son and now-"_

_"Fuc Dama!"_ Izzy squealed cutting Ana off.

Quinn looked horrified as she stared at Izzy. Ana dumped the soggy bits in the sink and then picked Izzy up from the high chair.

_"I'm going to go put him in his play pen so he can watch Elmo...maybe he will forget the word again! You two...figure out how to fix this!"_ she said as she stormed out of the kitchen.

_"Fuc, fuc, fuc."_ Izzy kept repeating.

_"Stop it Isaac Aden! Stop saying that word!"_ Ana was pleading with him as she left the kitchen.

* * *

Q and I just stood there staring at each other and then it happened, Quinn put her hands over her face and her body began to shake. I thought she was crying.

_"Baby...let me...call you back!"_ she said into the phone before hanging up. I looked at her waiting for her to freak out or something but she ended up holding her side and laughing hysterically.

She laughed so hard that it was quickly contagious.

I don't know how long or how loud we were but when Ana came in glaring at us we both ended up on the floor with tears in our eyes and red faced because the laugher just increased.

_"Are you really fucking kidding me right now?"_

_"Fuc!"_ Izzy squealed from the living room.

_"Ha!"_ Quinn said as she pointed towards Ana. _"You...you...you did it too!"_

_"Ugh! I so can't deal with this right now! Grow up!" _With that last statement she stormed from the kitchen and soon after I heard her stomping up the stairs and our room door slamming.

_"Wait for it..." _Quinn put a finger to her lips and pointed towards the ceiling. One second passed and then I heard it. Dani started wailing her little head off.

_"Fuck!" _Ana yelled from upstairs._ "Brittany!" _My laughter dried up as I sprung to my feet and then held out a hand for Quinn. She stood shakily to her feet and then wiped her face.

_"How about I take Izzy for a walk and you deal with her?"_

_"No fair...why do you get out of this?" _I said pouting.

_"Brittany Susan Lopez!" _Ana yelled again.

Quinn laughed and pushed the kitchen door open._ "Because you got the girl...now you have to deal with her!" _Quinn winked as she headed over to Izzy and I headed slowly up the stairs.

_"When will you be back?"_

_"Um...I'm meeting up with Ceily so...maybe a couple hours?"_

_"How many is a couple?" _I said as I stood halfway up the steps looking at her as she put on Izzy's coat and hat.

_"Brittany! I know you heard me!" _Ana was at the top of the steps now holding a still crying Dani.

_"Dinnertime? Bye San...taking my godson out for the day!" _Quinn quickly shut the door behind her and just like that it was just me, all alone, staring up at my angry wife.

Fuck.

* * *

_"I can't believe you would take raising our son as a joke! This is serious! He can't be dirty mouthed that young..."_ she said as she rocked Dani back to sleep.

_"Why don't you just breastfeed her?"_ I asked.

I thought it was a harmless question but apparently I was wrong.

_"Are you kidding me right now? No! She just ate. I don't want her to become a fat ass...she's not hungry, she's just tired! I am not a machine!"_

_"Calm down, Ana."_ I said as I tried to take the baby from her. but she swung around and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I went to open it but then the lock clicked in place.

_"Please don't shut me out like this."_ I said as I slammed my hand into the door.

_"Take your meds Britt."_

_"They are in there with you!"_ I said angrily.

The door clicked open and then suddenly I was pushing the door open and forcing my way in. She looked up at me in a panic all of a sudden. It wasn't until I saw her face, that I stop my forward motion and froze. Catching my reflection in the mirror.

My face was red and my hand was raised up.

What the hell?

No...what?

I dropped my hands and walked over to the side medicine cabinet and grabbed my pill counter. I flipped open today's lid and there was my small little pill waiting for me. I went to grab it when I saw her hand go passed my own and flip open yesterday's lid and there was that pill too.

_"I knew it."_ she muttered before stepping back and sitting down on the closed toilet lid.

The world was silent...even Dani had finally given in and fallen into a quiet state. She and her mother looked at me with wide eyes...I had forgotten.

I hadn't taken two pills and already, I was turning back into a monster.

I turned on the faucet of the sink and cup my hands under the water. I could feel her eyes on me as I swallowed some water and then I stood up, picked up two pills and dropped them into my mouth. I swallowed, cupped more water in my hands and drank it down in long cold sips.

Dear God...please let me be able to fix this.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

This was all my fault.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into a battered victim or anything but I did kind of push her over the edge.

I was frustrated with the way that I was feeling and with Isaac's new favorite word. I didn't mean to flip out on her.

Just like I'm sure she didn't mean to raise her hand to me, especially while I was holding the baby.

The look in her eyes when she realized what she was about to do, told me all that I needed to know about her intentions.

She was scared and normally I would fit right in but suddenly my neck was sore and my throat was tight.

I watched as she took her pills...today's and yesterday's. I could tell that she was afraid to look at me.

Dani wriggled a little and so I looked down at her. She was fast asleep.

Finally.

* * *

I had left Britt standing in the bathroom, while I walked to the nursery and put Daniela down for her morning nap. If we were quiet she would be asleep for the next three hours.

I took my time, tucking the baby in and then I kissed her sweet face. I turned on the baby monitor and then after staring at her another minute or so, I finally left the room. As I entered our bedroom, I heard it.

The bathroom door was closed again and I could hear her sobbing from behind the door. I hated to hear her cry, it made something deep inside of me crumble. It was like watching someone hurt a defenseless animal or worse a child. I sucked in my pride and knocked on the door.

_"I'll be out in a sec."_ she said softly.

_"B? Let me in."_ I begged.

_"I said...I'll be out in a sec."_ she said again, this time more firm.

_"Um...okay...did you eat? Can I make you something?"_

_"I'm okay...but...you should eat."_

_"Oh...um...ok...I'll just-"_ she cut me off.

_"Damnit, Santana...just go already!"_ she yelled. I jumped back and just nodded even though she couldn't see me.

I was officially worried.

* * *

**_Where are you?-San_**

I was eating a banana and drinking a cup of tea in the kitchen feeling anxious and wishing that Quinn hadn't of left. I needed a buffer right now between me and Britt.

**_I'm with Ceily, checking out her new condo! :)-Q_**

**_Oh. How's Isaac?-San_**

More time went by as I sat there and there was still no sign of Britt. I bounced my feet against the floor as I tried to keep myself occupied. There was something that I was trying not to do.

Something really fucking bad.

**_He's good, got him a red fire truck and now he keeps saying truck. Instead of the other word :) It was Ceily's idea-Q_**

**_Yea...that's amazing. Thank you!-San_**

**_Should I be worried right now?-Q_**

I hated when she asked that fucking question, I could just see her eyes boring into my soul, reading me for what I really was.

**_Um...just trying to stay busy.-San_**

**_Tell me that there isn't anything in that house!-Q_**

**_There isn't anything in the house.-San_**

**_But you know where some is?-Q_**

**_Maybe.-San_**

**_On my way!-Q_**

**_No...I'm fine, B is here.-San_**

**_Yea but she's locked in the bathroom.-Q_**

**_How did you know?-San_**

**_She just texted me. I'm telling her.-Q_**

**_NO!-San_**

**_Too late...see you in a few minutes.-Q_**

**_Great.-San_**

* * *

I was locked in my car holding the last baggie that had escaped from the massive sweep of my house.

It was right under the seat of the car, all this time, since Lima almost a year ago.

My tinted windows in the dark garage were probably keeping anyone from seeing me immediately.

I sat there, legs crossed, with the ankle monitor digging against my opposite thigh.

_"I could just take the edge off...just a little bit..."_ I muttered to myself.

_"And then what?"_ I froze...that voice hit right to the heart of me. I looked to the passenger side and there sat Ian.

Great...I was hallucinating!

_"You're dead...I know that you're not real."_ I said in a shaky voice. I cleared my throat and closed my eyes willing him to go away.

_"You have too much faith to believe that. Open your eyes."_ Ian said.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. He was still there, bright blue eyes staring into mine. I swallowed back the burning bile in my throat and allowed the tears to flow down my cheeks.

_"Fine...you win."_ I said as I returned my eyes to the baggie in my hand.

_"Do I?"_ he said softly.

_"Of all the times that I needed you this past few months...why now?"_ I said to the baggie.

_"Because of all the things that you have done or were about to do...this moment can change the rest of your life...our kid's lives. It's not just you anymore."_

I sighed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.

_"I just...I keep fucking up, Papa Bear...I miss you so much and I need you here with me. With our kids. they need you. Why did you leave us?"_

_"You know why. I wasn't meant to be here anymore but I never left you. You are not alone. You have so many people surrounding you, Mami. So many people that care about you and want the best for you. Including me."_

_"I hate what you did."_

_"I know."_

I looked at him...he was so real...like I could just reach out and touch him but that scared me even more.

_"Can this really change everything?"_

_"Of course."_

_"I don't even want it, you know."_ I was backpeddling and lying to Ian and myself. He knew. He didn't respond. He just looked at me. _"Okay...fine. Maybe I do."_ I admitted.

_"If this were our daughter...right here, right now...what advice would you give her."_

I hesitated as I thought of Daniela or Isaac in this position, one foot in jail, one foot in chaos, what would I tell them.

_"Keep moving forward...don't give up."_ I finally whispered.

_"Then you know what you need to do."_

I turned towards him ready to ask him what he thought but he was gone. I looked towards his chair and then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a face pressed to the glass looking right at me. I jumped back in shock and stared into Britt's swollen, red eyes.

She had been watching me and waiting to see what I would do.

I took the bag and tossed it on the passenger seat and then rested on my forehead against the steering wheel and took deep breaths.

What had I almost done?

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I rushed into the house with Celia right behind me.

It had been an eternity since San had actually gotten to the point where she was thinking of using. I hugged Izzy to my chest as he hummed to himself and drove his truck across my chest.

_"Truck."_ he said quietly, it was almost time for his nap. _"Truck, Dama."_ he said again.

_"Yes, Izzy, truck."_ I said as Britt came flying down the stairs and running past me and Celia.

I looked back at Celia and then I followed Britt through the kitchen and towards the garage. By the time we made it out to the garage door, she was standing there, with her face pressed against the glass.

_"What's going on?"_ Celia said as she put her hand on my waist and leaned her head against my shoulder.

_"San's talking to her angels again. Trust her, B."_ I said loud enough for Britt to hear me.

_"Trus"_ Izzy said. I looked at his sleepy face and smiled as he tried to mimic me. _"Trus."_ he said again.

This time louder.

I saw Britt drop her hands and step back from the car. She was staring at the dark tint but she wasn't making a move.

I heard the doors unlock and then the door slamming. San came walking around the car and stood there staring as the ground.

She was crying.

* * *

_"Ma!"_ Izzy all of a sudden started crying and reaching towards San. _"Mami! Ma!"_ He screamed.

San's face shot up and she looked at her son who was wiggling out of my arms.

San didn't hesitate as she walked slowly over to me and held her arms out to Izzy.

_"Ma!"_ he screamed again as he leaned out of my arms. I looked in her eyes, just to make sure. I had to know if she was herself or not.

She looked at me clear eyed and then snatched Izzy up and began whispering in his ear. His face changed and he smiled as she spoke just to him.

The look in her eyes was different now.

She looked peaceful.

Resolved.

I liked it...a lot!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I don't have to go."_

_"Please...go...I'll be fine. I promise."_

_"But in the car..."_ I saw her face dropped and I just nodded and turned around. Ana was breastfeeding Dani while Izzy laid asleep next to her in the bed.

Tony had called me and told me that Ari had changed her mind and brought in a couple of her friends to try out as our two leading guys. The bosses wanted me down at the theater to practice and to supervise the auditions. I also needed to talk to Ari in person and see where her head was.

After following Ana up to the room, she didn't really speak to me. She just laid down in the bed and rubbed Izzy's back, singing to him all the while. I tried to talk but she would shoot me dangerous looks.

So I just was waiting but then my phone rang.

When I told her what I had to do, she looked at me with cold eyes and just nodded. She went on to lay Izzy down and pick Dani up.

Once I told her that I needed to leave, she didn't pay me any mind, she just stayed wrapped up in staring at the baby.

_"Okay...well...I'm gonna go now then. Okay? Is there anything that I can get you?"_ I asked as I leaned over the bed and kissed Izzy's face.

_"Diapers and some applesauce."_ she said in a far off voice without taking her eyes off the baby.

_"Okay...I'm leaving."_ I said again as I pressed a kiss to Dani's head and then I tried to kiss her lips but she just turned her head so that my lips landed on her cheek.

_"See you."_ she said without looking at me.

_"Call me, if you need me. I'm going to keep it on just for you. Okay?"_ I stood there over her and she still wouldn't look at me and it was killing me inside.

_"You don't need to do that. I'll be fine. Just go and have fun."_

_"Um...ok...I love you Ana."_ I said. She nodded and it made me batty inside. I dropped to my knees and pulled her chin towards me. She kept her eyes closed as I leaned in and brushed a kiss across her lips. I didn't wait for a response this time, I got to my feet and left.

* * *

I was so angry as I stormed down the steps.

This was not how it was supposed to be.

I was putting my earbuds in on my way down the steps when I felt a grip on my arm.

Sparks went through me as I froze on the steps.

She pulled me around and now we were eye level even though I was a step down.

_"I am so sorry! I love you so much Britt Britt. Please don't be mad at me."_ she said as she gripped my hands.

I let go of her hands and ran my fingers up her arms, lightly over her neck and into her hair. I pulled her face towards me and allowed our lips to meet. I didn't have any words for what I felt and I didn't need them as I caressed her bottom lip with my tongue before diving in. I pulled her harder against me when I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She rested against me as she kissed me with everything she had.

I could still feel the tremors from her cravings, she was dropping her walls for me and allowing me to feel what she felt without hiding it. My cheeks were wet from her tears and my stomach clenched with the overwhelming emotions that I could feel rolling off of her.

She clung to me tightly as she poured everything into that kiss and I kept myself open and receptive to it.

It's like she had opened up all the doors and windows to her fortress and was inviting me to see everything she had bottled up inside.

My phone was buzzing again but I just stayed planted right where I was allowing my wife to speak to me the only way she really knew how.

And I understood every word.

She was desperate, lonely, scared, frustrated, turned on, feeling lost, disgusting, dirty, unworthy, and trapped.

I understood...because in many ways...I felt exactly the same.

* * *

It was entirely unexpected but it didn't seem as weird as it should have.

Quinn stood on the side of us, wrapping her arms around us, with her head on Ana's shoulder.

She began mumbling words that I could barely make out.

After a few moments I realized that she was singing a song.

Britney?

_"Nothing seems to be the way, that it used to, everything seems shallow...God give me truth."_ she mumbled in her raspy voice. I couldn't really remember the words to Someday (I will understand) but I hummed along to the melody.

Ana pulled away from my lips and rested her head on my shoulder. We were now wrapped around each other.

As unholy as it was...it opened my eyes.

This is what everything was about. This is what we needed to get back to.

Relying on each other and allowing ourselves to be open and heal through each other.

We needed to get back to the girls who left Lima together last summer in pursuit of happiness.

I finally understood.


	44. Chapter 44:The Sun Will Rise

_**A/N: There is still a chance to cast your votes. Trilogy or no? I have heard from some but not many. Enjoy this Sweet Lady Kiss chapter full of Ana and her great loves. Well...lady loves ;)**_

* * *

**Chapter 44:The Sun Will Rise (Kelly Clarkson)**

* * *

**_We needed to get back to the girls who left Lima together last summer in pursuit of happiness._**

**_I finally understood._**

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I laid flat on my back trying to catch my breath. My chest was expanding and contracting faster then it ever had before.

The only music that I could hear was my heart beating steadily in my ears. I couldn't move my body or my mind past the point I was stuck in.

As if being propelled to move, I was on my feet and leaping forward with enough force to collapse a building. My arms flew wildly around me as I contorted my body.

The sweat and tears that it took to move through this moment was worth it. My toes ached in my shoes as I stood firmly on them and spun vigorously. One wrong move and my ankle would snap like a twig but moving from ballet to hip hop was my favorite thing to do.

I twirled, I bent, and I shimmied until I was face to face with her.

Our faces came together and then just before our lips touched she lifted me into the air by my waist, spun me around like a super hero and then I went hurtling through the air.

The adrenaline coursed through my veins as I went crashing towards the floor and then as the floor almost reached my face, breaking my bones completely, I was captured by two sets of hands and was set back on my feet.

I was alone again as I did a leaping run down into a split and then as the performance ended, I tilted over and crumpled into and against the two bodies surrounding me, pulling me piece by piece apart.

* * *

_"Are you really sure that you want to pull out?"_ I sat in Brittany's office watching her serious face make another appearance.

_"Look, Britt, dancing with you and Tony was amazing. This show is going to take Broadway by storm but I just don't want to leave you guys hanging if I die. I don't have a bone marrow donor anymore. Especially not with Marco hanging himself last night."_ I said as I fought the tears that were threatening to spill out onto my cheeks.

_"What?"_ she slammed her hands down onto the desk and looked at me with a mixture of disbelief and happiness. _"Are you kidding me right now?"_

_"No. They found him this morning. He's already set to be cremated tonight." _She was completely distracted now and with everything on my mind, I just couldn't deal with being overshadowed by my cousin's selfish act._ "Look...I just can't do this role, plain and simple."_

Brittany was immediately focusing on me again.

_"How about we train your understudy as if she is the leading lady?"_

_"Just give her the part Brittany."_

_"No! You are going to beat this Ari...I know it! Where is your faith?"_

_"You are questioning my faith now? Really? That's not going to make me want to stay on in this role!" _

My palms were sweaty and I felt like I would fall over any second from exhaustion. My tongue felt thick and solid in my mouth. I had pushed myself with the dancing and now I would pay for it.

_"Are you okay?" _she had noticed my discomfort.

Suddenly I remembered how Anita had told me that Brittany was very observant when it came to people. I nodded and closed my eyes to try and block out some of the tension in my head and shoulders.

I don't remember anything after that.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I think I saw it coming but I had been so wrapped up in the news of Marco's death that I had ignored Ari's clear distress.

Now with her slumped over onto my desk, I had to think fast and when it came to taking care of someone that was in this state, frankly I was a pro. Ana had passed out on me more times than I like to think about back when she was drinking heavily and getting high.

I scooped up Ari into my arms and rushed out of my office and into the hall.

_"Tony!"_ I yelled while kicking my partner's door.

_"What the hell?" _He yelled as he opened up the door. When he saw that I was holding Ari's limp body, he froze and held his arms out in a panic before slapping a hand over his mouth and pointing._ "Did you kill her?"_

_"No...she passed out...can you help?"_ I begged. Tony had been an EMT while trying to hit it big on Broadway so I figured that he could definitely handle this.

_"Lay her down on the sofa."_

I paced back and forth in Tony's office so much that he kicked me out into the hallway but he was still kind enough to leave the door open so that I wasn't completely cut off from what was happening.

I kept peeking inside but she still looked the same, I anxiously began biting my nails as I continued to pace.

This was so not good!

* * *

My phone buzzed, scaring me and causing me to crash into a shoe in the hallway. I caught myself just as I was about slam my face into the brick wall as I picked up the call.

_"Shit."_ I muttered as I answered.

_"Britt Britt?"_ Ana said softly. Sounding a little thrown off after the way that I answered.

_"Oh...hey baby. Are you okay?"_

_"Um...I just...I...when are you coming home."_

I could tell that she had gotten herself worked up and was trying to speak normally but was failing miserably.

_"Is everything okay?"_

_"Just come home soon...okay?"_

_"Yea...I'll text when I'm on my way."_

_"Um...okay."_

_"I love you Ana."_

_"I love you too." _

_"Lis-"_ she hung up in my ear before I could get out my sentence.

I didn't like the way that she sounded.

I didn't like the way that the amazing moment that we had earlier on the stairs...seemed to be completely gone now.

I wanted nothing more than to go home but Ana would kill me if she knew that I left Ari like this.

So I stayed.

* * *

_"Brittany?"_ Tony called me and I nearly collided with the wall again as I tried to make it into his office.

_"Is everyth-"_ I stopped mid sentence when I saw that Ari was awake and had a hand pressed to her forehead.

She was alive and awake...Great!

That was good.

_"She was dehydrated. She admitted to not getting enough rest as she prepared to take her finals early so that she can withdrawal with a full year of training...she's been pushing herself despite the chemo which was incredibly stupid."_ he said as he handed her a bottle of orange juice.

_"I'm sorry."_ she whispered before gulping down a huge sip of the juice.

_"Why don't you come home with me, stay the night? Get some food in you and maybe you can spend sometime with Ana? She's in need of a friend?" _I said.

I was hoping that there was still a chance that I could convince her to stay apart of the show.

Ana could probably do it.

Fingers crossed!

* * *

_"No...I don't want Anita involved."_

_"Well tell me what I can do to help then."_ I said pleadingly.

_"Come back to the hospital with me and get tested."_ she said straight faced and angry.

_"Seriously?"_

It wasn't that I didn't want to give her some bone marrow, it was more about the fact that she was actually asking me something so huge.

_"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."_ Ari looked so defeated as she slowly picked up her purse from the floor and then stood back up.

She looked pale and weak and it made me feel so helpless.

_"No I want to help."_

Ari froze and and looked at me in shock.

_"You mean that you will actually do it?"_

_"Yea of course!"_ I shrugged and then pulled out my phone. _"Let me just call Ana and tell her that I'll be a little late."_

_"Please don't tell her about this Britt?"_ she looked at me with big sad eyes.

_"Ok."_

* * *

_"Hey B...are you on your way?"_

Ana sounded happier than when I had talked to her a few minutes ago which was why I felt shitty about what I was about to do.

_"Actually Ana...I'm gonna be late. I have to go somewhere for the bosses. Tony and I should be done in about three hours? See you then...ok? Kiss the babies for me. I love you."_

I immediately heard the change in her voice. She sounded hurt but I then she just chuckled into the phone trying to mask her disappointment.

_"Oh okay. Call me when you're on your way. Be safe. I love you too."_

Once again she hung up before I could respond.

I had messed up by not going home.

She needed me or she wouldn't have called me the first time.

Ana never called me when she knew that I was working but now it was too late. If I showed up now it wouldn't be to an Ana that was happy to see me.

Instead of a happy wife, I would go home to her being angry about fucking with her emotions and that wasn't something I could deal with twice in one day.

Now I was just hoping that I could be gone long enough for her to be asleep when I finally did get home.

I never thought that I would see the day that I was purposely avoiding my wife.

Hopefully it would be worth it though and Ana would be okay.

Especially if it was because I was saving Ari's life.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had fed both Isaac and Daniela and now I was just laying in bed waiting for Britt to come home.

It was still early, the sun was still out but I had no interest in doing anything but sleeping.

My problem was that I couldn't actually sleep.

I was stuck with these open eyes and this mind that just wouldn't stop running in circles.

Something was wrong.

Something had happened that I wasn't quiet sure of.

I had nearly gone back to drugs earlier in the day and even with me teetering on edge, both Quinn and Britt still left me alone.

My greatest fear in the whole world was being left alone.

No matter how surrounded that I was, I consistently found myself stuck between what I wanted and what I needed.

I wanted to make the dark feelings go away.

I needed to take care of my family.

I didn't have time to feel like this but I was scared that the feelings would keep me from taking care of my family like I needed to.

Something had to change and it started with me.

It started with me acknowledging that I had a problem and doing something about it.

That's when I decided to take control of my urges.

That's when I decided to steer things in the direction of what I both wanted and needed.

* * *

_"Dr. Jindahl speaking."_

_"Doc...it's...it's me."_

_"Santana Lopez. It's good to hear from you."_

_"You shouldn't say that just yet."_ I muttered.

_"I'm sure you will make me proud."_

_"How are you so sure?"_

_"Because I have only heard this tone in your voice once before and that was when you decided to stop the drugs."_

_"Doc...I want to go to rehab."_

_"See, I told you."_

_"It's just that I think that I need to go and stay somewhere. Outpatient isn't going to be good enough."_

_"So what do you want to do?"_

_"Do you know if there is a way that I can take my kids with me?"_

_"Oh."_

_"Is there?"_

_"Like a residential program?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Can I look into it and get back to you?"_

_"Okay...thank you Doc."_

_"I will do everything in my power to help you get help."_

_"This means so much to me."_

_"I'll call you back okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**_Can you come home?-San_**

**_Should I be worried?-Q_**

**_Yes.-San_**

**_Are you still alone?-Q_**

**_Yea.-San_**

**_You still want to use?-Q_**

**_What do you think?-San_**

**_I'm on my way.-Q_**

**_Thank you-San_**

**_Just don't do anything stupid-Q_**

**_I'm trying not to.-San_**

* * *

_"I came as fast as I could. Why are you just laying there like that?"_

I was laying in bed, in the dark, when Quinn walked into my bedroom.

Britt had called to tell me that she had something to do. She promised to be home in a few hours but I needed her now. I needed her comfort and her encouragement. I was not in a good place. I had thought that the kiss on the stairs would have shown her my desperation but apparently it wasn't good enough.

I wasn't good enough.

I didn't answer Q, I just rolled onto my side and faced the window.

_"Okay. So you don't have to answer...that's fine but please don't turn your back on me."_

She whispered as she climbed into the bed with me. I rolled over and faced her.

We hadn't been in this position in almost a year.

I had missed it.

_"We are going to get through this San. I have faith that things will get better for you."_

_"And if that doesn't happen? Then what Q?" _I whispered as we laid nose to nose.

She pressed a hand to the side of my face and wiped away the tears that were leaking there.

_"Sweetie...you can't think like this."_ she said. I looked into her eyes which were intensely gray today and tried to smile. _"Don't fake what you don't feel. It will only cause you heartache."_

_"I don't know Q...I don't want to allow what I feel to overpower me. Like always."_ I admitted in a low voice.

I could feel her minty breath dance across my face as we laid there looking into each other's eyes.

_"San...honey, I think that you are stronger than you think. I think that nobody can bring you down and hurt you more than you have hurt yourself."_

_"I just feel so powerless."_

_"It's going to be okay. We are going to get through this."_

_"That's just it, there is no we. At the end of the day...this is a battle that I win or lose all on my own." _I brushed my tears and pulled my lips into my mouth, trying but failing to regain my composure.

_"I refuse to believe that. You are surrounded by love and support." _

_"But that didn't stop me last time...did it?"_

She looked in my eyes and tried to read the emotions that were there. I had my walls completely open to her in that moment. She leaned in and did for me what I had done for Ari when words just weren't enough. She leaned in and kissed my lips...except this wasn't a peck. This was one of those long and urgent kisses that I had been trying to give Britt before she left.

Something stirred in my stomach and tried to claw it's way out as she deepened the kiss. I couldn't stop myself. I threw my leg over her waist and pulled her in closer as she held my face and sucked on my bottom lip.

What was I doing?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Shit. Shit. Shit!

That was not supposed to happen.

I was NOT supposed to get sucked in.

This was supremely bad.

I was on top of her with my hand shoved in her sweatpants and her hair gripped in my fist as I slowly teased her clit. She looked at me with those big brown eyes, so different from Celia's. I watched as she bit her bottom lip, trying not to moan. We were silent because we both knew that once we made a noise that this would become real.

She gave in first, grabbing me by the neck and pulling me down until our lips were crashing together again.

_"Harder." _she whispered in the softest voice that I had ever heard.

_"Like this?" _I lined my knee up behind my hand and used it for leverage.

I watched the fire reignite in her eyes.

The tears had dried up.

It was like watching her rediscover a part of herself that she had long since lost.

This wasn't what I was supposed to be seeing.

I was robbing Britt of this connection.

I was taking Ian's place as the comfort in San's life and breaking everything we had built to keep us from doing this...going here.

We were wrong but the urge to finish was stronger than our minds.

This was all sensation and emotion with no logic behind it.

We were stupid.

* * *

_"Oh God...San!" _We should have stopped after I made her cum but we didn't.

Instead of stopping and escaping to my room to pack like I had promised Celia, I would be doing...I let her roll on top of me.

I had both hands pressed to the back of her head and was screaming her name and obscenities into a pillow that smelled like Brittany.

That should have gotten me to stop.

But I didn't.

I just layed there urging her own as she nibbled on my clit and shoved her fingers inside of me...one in front...one in back...just how I liked it. Something that not even Celia knew. I was too embarrassed to share that bit of kinkiness that Puck had introduced me to.

_"I'm cu...Ah...fuck! Santana!"_

I came in shuddering gasps and immediately was washed with guilt when I realized that we were still in the dark room and we hadn't been caught.

As crazy as it is...it's what I would have preferred, it's better than trying to keep a secret like that from someone like Brittany.

We shouldn't have done it. I should of climbed out of that bed when I got off but I didn't.

Instead...we rolled around for a little bit longer wrapped up in an intensely hot make out session.

It was Dani that finally stopped us. Her hungry whine began and we pulled apart.

With Dani, it was like a warning, if we were going to get cleaned up...we had about twenty minutes before she started wailing and woke up Izzy.

We climbed from the bed and threw open the windows. We didn't even look at each other as we moved in tandem to get the room back how it should have been.

Which meant, changing the sheets and making sure to locate every single article of clothing.

After the room looked decent and I had shoved the sheets and some towels into the washer we parted ways without a single word.

Thankfully, we showered separately because who knows what would have happened if we had been in there together.

* * *

I was up in my room, freshly showered and blow dried when Celia came into the room loaded down with boxes. I had heard her footsteps and had quickly thrown books and papers all over the bed so it looked like I had been studying.

_"Hey Luce...you said that you were going to pack...what happened?"_

_"I have a Biology paper that's worth half of my grade that's due next week. I just figured that we still have two weeks before the move...I thought that I could get this started at least so that I wouldn't be rushing around later."_ I said honestly because that had been my intention for sometime later in the week.

_"Oh...okay...but you aren't changing your mind right?"_ she said as she made her way back towards the door.

_"No, C...I definitely still want to move in with you...I think Britt and San could use their own space."_ I said as I skimmed my textbook.

_"I'm going to put these boxes in the other room until you're ready for them...why don't you clean that stuff up and we can go downstairs and eat?"_ she said as she made her way out of the room.

_"Yea...okay!"_ I yelled as I began to put my stuff back in my bag. I felt like shit and really had wanted to just stay in my bed but I couldn't get all suspicious. I had to be nonchalant about this.

I was the weak link...San could take this to the grave and from the look on her face earlier, I could tell that she clearly planned to.

Hopefully, I didn't fuck it up.

It was just meaningless sex after all...right?

* * *

_"No...no...no!"_ I heard San screaming in her bedroom and crashing noises and looked at Ceily in a panic.

Ceily sprung into action and tried to open the door.

It was locked.

_"Ana open the door!"_

_"Go away!"_ she screamed. We jumped back when we heard something smash against the door.

_"What's going on?"_ I heard Britt's voice from behind me and felt my whole body freeze up. I didn't turn around, instead I just turned and walked straight to the nursery.

Celia was explaining things to Britt and then they both began to try and coax San out of the room. I continued on to the nursery to check on the kids and Dani who should have been eating at that exact moment.

When I walked into the nursery, I was relieved to see that both the kids were still sound asleep in their cribs.

If Dani had been in the room with Ana, this would have been really bad.

I kissed both Izzy and Dani and then shut the nursery door so that they didn't hear their Mami losing it.

What the hell was going on today?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I had been sitting in my dorm room after saying goodbye to Brittany when Anita called me.

She was a wreck and I felt so heartbroken as I listened to her just sob into the phone mumbling that she was sorry.

_"This shouldn't have happened."_ she groaned into the phone.

I thought it was about Marco.

_"You're right...it should have...but it did."_ I mumbled hoping to get her to see logic. She sobbed harder and began to hiccup. _"Anita...honey calm down...it's going to be okay!"_ I tried to sound happy but with her crying so hard, I couldn't even begin to fake it.

I laid down under my covers after kicking off my shoes and just tried to comfort her with my presence.

_"This is all my fault! This happened because I am such a fuck up!" _she yelled.

_"No...Marco is dead because he is a fucking loser."_

_"What?" _she screeched.

_"Wait...you're not talking about Marco killing himself today?" _I said slowly.

_"No...no...no!"_

* * *

The phone line cut after that.

I tried calling back but the line was busy.

I knew that Britt should have been home at that point so I called her.

No answer.

So I then I called Quinn.

She picked up on the first ring.

_"Ari...this isn't such a good time." _she said, as I heard screaming in the background.

_"Is that Anita? Oh God...this is so bad!"_ I slapped my palm to my forehead where a headache was forming and tried to wish this away.

_"How did you know?"_ Quinn sounded anxious.

_"She called me...crying...talking about it being all her fault...that it shouldn't have happened."_

_"Oh God."_ Quinn muttered. _"Fuck." _

_"I thought...that she was talking about Marco."_

_"What? Why? No...why would she?"_

_"He killed himself this morning...I was trying to-" _

_"He what?"_ she yelled in my ear and I held the phone abruptly from my face.

_"He hung himself. I didn't mean to tell her. I didn't think she would be this upset about it."_

_"I'm going to call you back." _

The call dropped and I was left sitting there in the dark, wondering what the hell was happening.

Why was Anita so angry?

Why was Quinn so nervous?

Something wasn't adding up and I was going to find out what it was.

Screw getting rest...I needed to see Anita for myself!

* * *

It was shaping up to be an icy and cold night as I set out to walk to Anita's house.

Britt had been right about me staying and how me being there would probably help so hoping that the invitation was still open, I had packed a bag and was now walking slowly to the corner to hail a cab. It had been my intention to walk but my exhaustion quickly took a tight hold on me.

The cab driver was listening to some old school reggae and it made me think of when Ana and I were kids. We had both just gotten our periods and were developing asses. We were watching music videos trying to imitate the booty shakers on the television.

I remember dancing circles around Anita and nailing every single move while she just focused on twirling her hips seductively like one of the backup dancers. No matter how well, I nailed the dance steps, she oozed that sexuality. I had been gawking at her when her Abuela walked into the room and turned the videos off and yelled at us about the devil's music.

That was the first day that I realized that I was gay...watching her happily dancing in her own little world, even after her Abuela stopped the music.

Anita had always been that way, caught in her own world...something that she ended up needing, more and more with Marco barging in her life. Then the drug habit taught her what being lost in her own mind really was and even though she was still clean, her mind had never really let her go. She was present just like always but that piece of her...

The happy part of her was so fickle.

She had become afraid of happiness because it never stayed around.

And now she was breaking completely apart.

* * *

The cab pulled up outside the house which was brightly lit and I handed him some random bit of money before climbing out of the car. He sped off happily and even though I was certain that I had over paid him I wasn't really concerned about it.

He had saved me from passing out on the sidewalk so he could take it and run for all I cared.

_"No!"_ I froze, I could hear her clearly and that's when I noticed that her bedroom windows were open. If she had been screaming like that since before I called then the whole neighborhood had probably heard it.

I headed straight for the front door and was easily able to stroll into the house. I locked the door behind me because I'm sure that no realized that it was open.

_"Open the door...please...this is your last chance Ana or I'm breaking it down!"_ that was Britt being stern.

That wasn't what Anita needed.

_"Fuck...Santana...open this door!"_ that sounded like one of her sisters, probably Celia. I expected to hear Quinn next but there was not a sound from her.

Strange.

I was willing to bet money that whatever had originally set Anita off had to do with Quinn.

* * *

When I got to the top of the stairs, Britt and Celia were working on picking the lock while Quinn stood there against the wall looking like a guilty ten year old.

Something had definitely happened.

_"Let me help?"_ I said quietly.

Britt stood to her feet and stepped away.

_"She's blocking the door with something."_ Celia said with an eye roll.

_"I know...just...why don't you guys go get dinner started...I'll get her out okay."_

Celia was about to argue but Quinn quickly agreed and pulled Celia down the steps.

She was incredibly obvious if you were paying attention.

And when I turned to look at Britt, I could tell that she was definitely paying attention.

She had sad eyes and was biting her lips really hard.

_"You see it too...right?"_ she said with a bit of ice in her voice.

I felt caught in her glare.

_"What do you mean?"_

She shrugged and sighed heavily.

_"Look...can you really get her to open the door?"_ she ran her hands through her hair and then dropped her arms lifelessly to her sides.

_"Yes."_

_"Great...I'll be downstairs getting the table ready."_

_"Okay."_

She got to the top of the steps and turned and looked at me as I was about to stand next to the door.

_"And don't go sleeping with her to get her to calm down."_

I felt like she had slapped me in the face. I pressed a hand to my racing chest.

_"I would never do that."_ I said honestly.

_"Yea...well things happen."_ she said before turning and heading down the stairs.

Wow.

Could that be it?

If so then I would lock myself away too.

It was going to be a long night!

* * *

I pressed my face to the wood and knocked just once.

_"Anita...they're gone...let me in. Okay?"_ I said softly as I waited. I wasn't going to knock again and she knew it. I just stood there waiting to see if she would let me in.

It took about two whole minutes for me to know what was happening.

There was shuffling and then I heard the clinking of broken glass being moved around.

_"Hold on."_ I heard her whisper. If I hadn't had my ear pressed to the door, I would never had heard it.

Then after a few more minutes the door cracked open just slightly and from the way she was peeking out, I could tell that she was blocking the door with her body. She looked at me with bloodshot eyes and a wild look on her face.

_"Can I come in?"_ I asked holding my hands out so she could see that I didn't want to harm her.

She stepped back just a fraction and I used that little bit of space to squeeze my body through the little slot. Before I could turn around, the door slammed behind me. I stood there and watched as she shoved a huge trunk back against the door and then locked it.

She was completely naked and from what I could see, she was bleeding. She sat on top of the trunk and folded her hands on top of her lap. Her head hung low as she sat there staring at the stripped mattress with anger in her eyes.

I didn't say a word but I noticed that her lips were slightly blue tinged and her whole body was rocking back and forth. That's when I remembered that I had heard her from the sidewalk. I went to her windows and slammed them down and locked them. She didn't move from where she was as I dug my phone out of my pocket.

_**Britt...I'm in. She's not in a good place.-Ari**_

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and then walked into the closet and found some sheets for her bed. When I walked back into the room, she still hadn't moved. That was fine.

I made her bed quietly as she mumbled to herself.

* * *

Things happened all at once after that.

I had been grabbing her some pajamas out of the closet when the door started to vibrate with hard forceful knocks. Britt was yelling angrily as she slammed her hand against the door and now both Izzy and Daniela were screaming. In the closet it sounded loud but when I walked into the bedroom, it was ten times as loud.

She wasn't where I had left her.

I looked towards the floor and saw that the glass had been stepped in because I bloody footprints were there now. I followed them to the bathroom and pushed open the door. I stood there in shock as I watched her creating lines of power on the sink top.

That's when I paid attention to what it was that Britt was saying exactly.

_"Don't do it baby please! Ana...don't!"_ Britt was screaming now and the babies crying seemed even closer.

I stood there next to her as she hunched over the top of the sink with shaking hands and prepared to end her sobriety.

_"Anita..."_ I said softly as I finally laid a hand on her spine.

Her skin was ice cold to the touch but she didn't flinch when I touched her.

_"You should go."_

It was the first thing she said to me since I came into the room.

_"No. I won't leave you like this."_

_"Why? You've got your own shit."_

_"We won't compare our crosses...you know better. Just...think about what will happen when you do this." _I said as wrapped my hand around her arm and pulled.

She didn't budge.

_"Fine...watch then." _With that she put her face to the sink and snorted the first line like a pro.

And just like that I felt my heart break in a million pieces.

_"Stop. Please?" _I felt the tears on my face as I begged her to stop but she quickly finished off the four lines that were there.

She had done it.

My phone vibrated but I didn't answer.

I needed to do something now.

Anything.

But what?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I knew the moment that I saw Quinn that something had gone too far between them.

Now this was happening.

Why couldn't Ana trust that I would forgive her?

It didn't have to happen like this.

I had followed Quinn and Celia downstairs just to confirm my suspicion.

Ana would never crack but Quinn was too easy!

I walked into the kitchen and immediately her whole body tensed up and she kept looking at Celia and then at me.

After basically confirming that my wife had slept with Quinn, I just couldn't handle being in the same room with her so I decided that I would go for a drive instead.

I needed to cool off and since the kids were asleep for the night, I knew that it would be fine because as much as I didn't really trust Quinn or Ana, I did trust Ari.

So I walked into the garage and saw that the passenger side door was open. I thought nothing of it and closed it before walking around and climbing in the driver seat.

* * *

I had forgotten my keys inside and so I leaned over to get the spare out of the glove box when I saw that the bag of cocaine was missing. Quinn and Celia had left before me earlier and I knew for a fact that neither one of them had been in the garage.

That's when I realized what Ana was about to do.

After making that discovery, I ran as fast as I could back into the house and up the stairs because I knew that even with Ari there, she would still attempt to do it.

I couldn't let that happen!

For some reason, I forgot that my kids were right across the hall because I was yelling without abandon and banging on the door like the police but I got no answer. I heard movement and crunching glass but no words.

Fuck.

Ari! I remembered that she wasn't by herself anymore.

So I called Ari, hoping that she would let me talk to Ana but she didn't answer.

I tried to speak still and now I had Celia and Quinn behind me again, Celia on the phone with one of the sisters and Quinn standing there with tears in her eyes.

I could see that she felt guilty and I didn't care.

This just couldn't be happening.

She was on house arrest.

They were going to drug test her randomly and this stayed in your system for days.

Nothing that she did would have let me be so mad to attack her over sleeping with Quinn.

Why didn't she know that?

* * *

I slid down against the door and rested my head against it with Izzy in my arms. He had been crying out for his Mami until he cried himself to sleep. His breathing was a little ragged so I was trying to hold him so that his breathing would calm down. Meanwhile, Quinn was feeding Dani and trying to get her to fall back asleep.

I wanted to not be mad at her for this but I couldn't help myself.

This was her fucking fault.

At least partially.

I heard the sound of glass being swept up and then I heard Ari's voice mumbling softly.

She was praying.

I could hear the shaking in her voice.

I was insanely anxious.

This was bad.

I should have just come home when she called. I should have seen this coming.

Quinn had just gotten sucked in and now she was keeping a really big secret from Celia and attempting to keep it from me as well.

Except...I knew.

* * *

I had just put Izzy down in his crib when I heard the creak of my bedroom door and footsteps. I looked over at Quinn who was still in the glider feeding Dani and then I stepped into the hallway. Celia was talking to someone downstairs, it sounded like Sandra and Damariz were both here. Ana was not going to be happy about that.

What I saw once I was in the hallway made a chill run through me.

Ari was standing there looking at me with wide eyes full of tears and blood smeared on her clothes.

_"Did she do it?"_ I asked with a dry, strangled voice.

_"Yea."_ she said. _"She's...passed out on the bed."_ Ari said as she looked back over her shoulder into the dark room.

_"Did she talk to you?"_

_"No...not really. She snorted the coke and then her nose started bleeding and she threw up blood. I cleaned her up and then brought her back to the bed. I was going to try and dress her but the moment that she touched the bed she was out cold. I thought...I thought she had died because at first she didn't have...a...a pulse. I know though that the heart can hesitate when you take drugs...hers did but then it started right up again."_ Ari rambled as she looked up at me.

I wrapped my arms around her and she sobbed against my shoulder.

_"Shh...it's okay. Shh...shh. Calm down."_ I whispered, trying my best to calm her down.

_"Where is she?"_ I froze when I heard Sandra's cold voice.

There was nothing that she could do right now...it would have to wait until she woke up. I let go of Ari and threw myself in front of the open doorway. Sandra was now standing toe to toe with me.

_"Sandra...she's passed out cold. You can't be more pissed at her than I am right now...just...please don't make this worse?"_ I begged.

She looked at me and instead of the ice I expected I saw her concern.

_"I'm not interested in the drama, Britt, I just want to be here for my sister. Okay?"_ I looked in her eyes and saw the truth there and nodded.

_"Okay."_

I stepped to the side and let her walk inside and then I followed her.

She turned on the lamp and then looked down at Ana.

Her body was completely covered but you could see that there was blood smeared on her face and foam on her lips.

She looked calm but her body was twitching.

_"Oh God! Get Mari...Britt go get Mari!"_ Sandra yelled as she climbed in the bed and wrapped herself around my wife.

_"What's wrong?"_ I panicked.

_"She's...overdosing...we need to get her to a hospital. Now."_

And that's when the seizure started.

Fuck.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Why'd you do it."_

_"I wanted to be with you Ian."_

_"You weren't ready yet, Mami."_

_"It's too hard. Marco left me today."_

_"He hurt you so bad."_

_"Because he loved me. All the men in my life...they leave. I know it's only a matter of time before Isaac leaves me too."_

_"That's crazy talk."_

_"I keep fucking up. I keep screwing up my life. I just want out."_

_"Why?"_

_"The kids and Britt would be better off without me...just like Tor...you said she was better off without you and now she's living with Coach Sue. I hear she's doing good."_

_"She is. I wish that I was still with you though, Mami."_

_"Me too."_

_"These drugs are bad news, Mami. You need help."_

_"I know."_

_"Please don't do it again."_

_"I can't promise that. Look how peaceful I am right now."_

_"Do you think the kids are?"_

_"They are too young to understand."_

_"No...they aren't. They know."_

_"No they don't."_

_"Yes...Mami they do and you just let them down."_

**My heart sank.**

_"Like Papi."_

_"What?"_

_"I have become my parents...my father. I'm not better than him and the drinking."_

_"So do something about it."_

_"Like what?"_

_"You already know the answers. You just need to do it."_

_"You're right."_

_"Am I?"_

_"Yea...I was doing so well...and then I buckled under the pressure."_

_"That's how I died. I buckled."_

_"I would have helped you."_

_"Like you let everyone help you?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Everyone wants to help you, Mami and you are just standing in your own way."_

_"How do I stop?"_

_"Give in. Stop fighting your own happiness."_

_"Easier said than done."_

_"That's because talk is cheap. Actions are priceless."_

_"I'm scared."_

_"So am I...because...I left you when I needed to stand by your side. Please don't do that to Britt, or Ari, or the kids."_

_"It's too much on my shoulders."_

_"As a kid you were afraid to be alone and now you are never alone. Appreciate what a blessing that is. God answered your prayer."_

_"He did?"_

_"Didn't he?"_

_"He did."_

_"So what are you going to do to appreciate it?"_

_"I'm going to live."_

_"That a girl!"_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Thank God that Sandra had noticed and Damariz had been prepared.

The hospital would have reported this and a slew of shit would have come raining down on all of us.

San was still passed out as the sun started to rise.

Her sisters and Ari all laid surrounding her in the bed while I sat in the nursery rocking Dani back to sleep after another bottle.

I had been falling asleep when I felt a presence in the room.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that Britt was standing above me watching as I fed Dani.

I smiled at her but she just shook her head and stared back at the baby.

She had her hands clenched and was trying to not say what she wanted to say.

_"I know what happened."_

My heart began racing as she spoke those words.

* * *

I just looked at her but she still wasn't looking at me.

_"You can't tell Celia. She won't understand like I do. She'll only make things worse. Ana doesn't need this to be any worse...she needs us to help her. She needs us to fight for her."_

I went to speak but she turned on her heels and left the room.

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to take that.

A bright light shone in the room at that moment and I closed my eyes as God filled the room with the beautiful light.

_"I'm so sorry Lord."_ I said quietly.

I had struck a new low and now I felt like San had paid the price for it.

Hopefully, she was going to wake up stronger than ever.

She had to.

She was a Lopez.

And she had always told me that a Lopez doesn't quit.

I looked down at the beautiful baby in my arms and then over at Isaac with his thumb pressed to his lips, for their sake I was hoping that she was right.

They needed her more than she needed that cocaine.

And from now on, with everyone finally seeing the extent of her addiction, hopefully they would fight right along side of her.

This wasn't about what had happened between us.

Britt was right.

This was about Ana and I couldn't stand in her way or distract her.

If she was going to fight...we all needed to be on the same page.

We had to help her fight.


	45. Chapter 45:Hard To Love

**Chapter 45: Hard to Love (Lee Brice)**

* * *

_**This was about Ana and I couldn't stand in her way or distract her.**_

_**If she was going to fight...we all needed to be on the same page.**_

_**We had to help her fight.**_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I sat at the edge of our bed, feeding Dani, while watching her mother twitch in her sleep.

This wasn't how things were supposed to be but this is where we were.

Three hours had gone by and when the sisters realized that she wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon, they dispersed. Sandra and Celia were upstairs somewhere and Damariz had gone home to her husband and her baby.

At that moment as I watched her crashing down from her first high in months, I thought hard about how I was going to deal with the issues that had brought us to this moment.

How did she and Quinn end up in bed together?

What was the breaking point that caused her to get high?

How could I have changed this?

She needed me and I didn't deserve it.

I didn't deserve her and now I had almost lost her...again.

There were so many questions swirling around in my mind but I knew one thing for sure, there was no way that I was going to bring up the things that had just happened.

From what I could tell she'd had a psychotic breakdown...like I did the day I almost killed her. I knew the feeling of a total loss of control and how much it changes you.

Ana didn't deal well with losing control and with everything that had happened to her she had still maintained a level of control but this...this was her completely giving into her impulses and not caring about anything.

She had lost her mind and I knew from experience that when she finally woke up she would be in a very fragile state of mind so I had to tread lightly.

We would get through this.

Drugs and cheating be damned.

We were meant to be together and now that we had both walked in each others shoes, I knew that this would make us stronger as a unit.

I loved her more now than I ever had.

Love does that.

Right?

* * *

When I put Dani down in the nursery, I found Quinn sitting there on the floor between the cribs with her head against the wall. Tears streamed down her cheeks and even though she knew that I was in the room, she didn't acknowledge me at first.

I kissed my sleeping daughter and then walked towards Quinn. I hovered above her for a few seconds, trying to figure out what else could be said other than what I had told her earlier that morning.

_"I'm sorry...B. I took advantage of her...she was so...fragile." _her eyes remained closed as she spoke to me but that didn't stop the tears that ran down her cheeks and dripped onto her pretty white top._ "I went too far...I started it. Please don't be mad at her." _Quinn said._  
_

_"I'm not mad at her."_ I said quietly. I was surprised how much that felt like the truth.

Because it was maybe.

Quinn's eyes shot open, she looked at me wide eyed in shock.

_"You're not?"_ her eyebrows scrunched up as she looked at me with hopeful eyes.

_"No. I know Santana and she had to be in a really dark place to go there with you. Had it been Ari, I would have been pissed because I know that they love each other almost the way that I love her. You though...you don't love her like that and she doesn't love you like that. I know that it will never happen again and I know for a fact that she is punishing herself enough over it...no need for me to punish her too."_

_"So you're not mad at me either?"_

I wanted to smack that grin off of her face because that wasn't what I had said.

_"No matter what happens today, Quinn, I want you to know that you can't live with us anymore. I don't care where you go but it won't be under my roof. You betrayed me and her. She had no control...she would have slept with whoever it was...even Marco. Sex is just sex to her. It's her trying to gain some control back. I understand her and how it happened on her side...but I don't get why you did it."_

I stood there looking at her without shifting my eyes or my feet because I honestly needed to know what she got out of sleeping with my wife.

_"I don't know what came over me, B...but I'm so sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too, Quinn. I need you to not be here when she wakes up...which will be very soon."_ I said as I brushed an exhausted hand through my hair. I was so tired but there was no sleep for me in the upcoming future.

I had too much to deal with.

This was at the top of my list.

Thankfully, she didn't put up a fight, instead, she just got to her feet and left the room without a word.

I knew that she would do what I wanted.

Now all I had to do was make sure that Ana was okay.

* * *

I walked into my bedroom and shut the door before making my way over to the windows and opening the blinds. The bright February sun peaked in and lit up every corner of the room, including the bed.

I saw her shift under the covers and then she buried her face in a pillow.

She was awake.

I walked to her side of the bed, effectively blocking the window.

_"Good morning Ana."_ I said softly as I pulled back the blanket and looked down at her body.

She was still completely naked and even with everything that had happened, I desired her still. I kicked off my slippers and slid into the bed and laid against her body.

I felt her body stiffen as I put a hand on her lower back and ran it up her spine slowly until I reached the nape of her neck and then I went in the opposite direction and moved my hand towards her lower back again.

_"Are you hungry?" _I whispered against the side of her face as I ran a hand over her body and pulled her against me._ "I know that I am."_ I said suggestively.

She still didn't know that I knew and I didn't want her to think that this was about that because it wasn't._  
_

_"You're such a horndog."_ That was the first thing that she said to me and it made me smile. She shifted and now she was facing me. Her face was swollen and her nostrils were still red.

She was still beautiful.

She still takes my breath away.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I tried to avoid waking up at all.

Things were going to be bad when I woke up and I just didn't know if I was ready to deal with it.

Britt knew me though, she knew that I was going to avoid waking up on my own and that I was going to have to essentially be forced out of bed.

I had so many emotions running through me and there wasn't much that I could do to fix any of it.

How could I tell her that I had completely betrayed her in this very bed less than ten hours before?

The moment that she touched me, my thoughts and questions erased.

_"I love you Ana...and I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens."_

It was at that moment that I realized that she already knew.

She wasn't going to let me go.

At least, I hoped so.

* * *

She leaned in and kissed my lips and I immediately felt the tears drain down my face.

Britt pulled back and wiped at my tears with her thumbs before leaning in and kissing me again.

_"I'm not letting you go. I mean that!"_ she said as she ran her hand over my ass. I closed my eyes and leaned in and kissed her again.

She was taking all the dirty feelings and making them clean.

It was everything that I needed and everything I wanted but nothing that I deserved.

_"I love you, B...I'm so sorry."_

She sucked in a breath and just nodded in understanding before she moved in closer and captured my lip between her teeth.

_"Let me make it better, Ana. Please?"_ she said softly.

_"What?"_ I said in shock.

_"Just...let me do this?"_ she pulled me so that I was facing her and was completely against her._ "When we leave this room today, the whole world is going to change but for right now in this moment. Lets just be us? Okay?"_

I looked at her in shock but I didn't argue.

She was right.

This might well be the last time that we had this._  
_

_"Okay...but then...we talk?" _I asked not wanting the answer but knowing that it was necessary._  
_

_"Yes...over breakfast." _she said before kissing me again and rolling on top of me.

I looked up into Britt's eyes and felt all the shame and disappointment in myself.

I didn't deserve this.

I didn't deserve her.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I looked down at her, the dark eyes looking at me and the black curls framing her face made her look dark but angelic at the same time.

_"I know what happened...and I don't care."_ I said even though I really didn't want to.

Her eyes went round and then the tears came.

_"I'm so sorry, B."_ her whole body shook with tears as she looked up at me.

_"Stop. Let me just help you feel clean again...okay?"_

She looked up at me in disbelief but then she nodded as she choked back a sob.

_"Make me yours again, B."_ she whispered with a stone cold look of heartbreak in her eyes.

I leaned in and kissed her face softly over and over again.

The tears kept coming but acted like I didn't see them or hear them as I made my way down towards her neck and then her shoulders. She moaned through her tears and when I leaned down and took her swollen nipple into my mouth she hissed. I could feel how full her breasts were with milk.

Milk that was now tainted with cocaine.

That thought must have hit her at the same time because she covered her face and sobbed into her hands. I kissed her breasts and then made my way back up and moved her hands and kissed her lips.

She didn't kiss back at first but then after me kissing her a few more times, she finally gave in and kissed me back, long and hard.

I was praying that I could help her feel loved by me so that when she faced the world she would still feel content in our love for one another.

* * *

_"Oh, B!" _

I had thrown off the blanket and was now making my way down her body. Every time I looked up at her, I could see that she was watching me with this intense look on her face. I let my hands wander down to the core of her and she sucked in a breath.

Then she winced and I froze.

I looked up at her and could feel my face get hot.

_"Did she hurt you?"_ I whispered as I slowly ran my fingers over her slit.

I watched her eyes water again and her chin trembled as she tried to hold back the emotion. I was getting angry. It was one thing for them to go at it but Quinn had been rough while doing it.

_"I'm fine." _she said as she sniffled and closed her eyes.

_"Damnit Santana...look at me. Did she hurt you? Was she too rough? Are you hurting? Don't lie to me!" _I growled. I sounded angrier than I was. Her eyes popped open and she shrugged.

_"She was a little rough...but I'm fine. I pr-promise." S_he said as she sucked in a lip and closed her eyes.

_"Look at me...please?" _My voice cracked as I held back all the emotions that were flooding me at that moment.

Ana sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and looked at me with the saddest eyes that I had ever seen.

_"Okay...anything you want, Britt Britt." _she whispered as she nodded her head and stared in my eyes.

I crawled back up her body and kissed her entire face and then landed on her lips.

She moaned as I allowed my hands to proceed with the touching and the stroking. I dipped inside and she moaned as her body ground down against my fingers. I kissed her lips and then her cheeks and last I kissed the very tip of her nose as I brought her closer and closer to orgasm. She wrapped her arms around me and moaned into my ear.

_"I love you Britt. I don't de-de-deserve this!" _she whispered against my ear as her body quaked below me.

_"You deserve this...you deserve the world. And I'm going to give it to you! I love you!" _I said as I slowly entered her. She hissed and shuddered against me as she came instantly.

_"Britt!" _She growled and held me close._ "I'm all yours Brittany...fuck...thank you." _I stroked her to another orgasm and she began rambling out sweet words.

_"Always and only you, Ana and I know that I'm all yours...all you need. I'm all you want. It never happened. Okay? You're mine." _I said as I rammed in her and her body lifted from the bed.

_"I'm yours...always...always! Oh God! Yes! I'm cumm...ugh! Yes! I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours!"_ she chanted and ever time she said the words, the anger that had been growing inside of me ever since I realized what happened between her and Quinn disappeared.

She loves me.

I love her.

Fuck the world.

That's all that matters.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I wanted to make love to her after the mind blowing orgasm but she shook her head and pulled away.

_"Let's get showered...okay?"_ she whispered as she looked down at me. I nodded and took her hand as she stood from the bed.

When my feet hit the floor, I was insanely glad that she was holding my hand because I had a headrush that nearly knocked me over.

My body was aching and my feet stung. I let go of Britt's hand and sat down on the edge of the bed, raising my foot onto my lap so that I could get a better look at it.

_"What the fuck?"_ I whispered as I saw a shard of glass sticking from my heel. I threw my head back in frustration and felt the hot tears stream down my face. I had really gone off the edge the night before and now that I was more lucid, I was starting to feel all the pain that I had managed to block out.

_"Let me get that for you."_

I opened my eyes and saw Britt knelt down in front of me, still in the same clothes that she had been wearing the day before when we kissed on the stairs.

The same clothes she was wearing before I systematically ruined our lives.

And for what?

Because I was feeling lonely?

Because I just need comfort and she wasn't there?

Why had I done it?

How had Quinn happened?

Because I was a fuck up?

All I knew was that this was the last straw.

Getting high again had scared me beyond measure.

Things were going to have to change, I was way too scared of the alternative.

* * *

I laid back on the bed as Britt sat in front of me with tweezers and a bottle of peroxide.

Apparently, I had more than one piece of glass embedded in my feet.

How had I managed that?

_"Ari told me that you walked right through a pile of glass on your way to the bathroom last night. She cleaned it up before I saw it so I completely forgot to check your feet."_

_"Wow...so I did this before getting high?"_ I looked at her in disbelief but she bit her lip and nodded her head as she pulled another piece from my foot.

_"Fuck."_ I moaned when I saw the size of one shard. _"I'm so sorry, B. For all of this!"_

_"Hush, will you!" _she scolded as she poured the peroxide onto a cotton ball._ "I forgive you Ana. I meant that...we will talk...lets just...deal with one thing at a time. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I'm sor-" _She cut me off with a look.

_"Okay...I got them all!"_ she said cheerfully as she brought one foot and then the other to her lips and kissed them. _"Can you stand or should I carry you to the shower?"_

_"Um...I think I can walk."_ She stood to her feet again but this time didn't offer me her hand, instead she began to strip off her clothes while watching me with squinted eyes.

_"Well...get up...I want to see if you can do it."_ she said as she slid her panties down to the floor.

She was testing me.

I rolled my eyes and then just held both my hands out to her.

_"Okay...fine...my feet hurt like a bitch...would you mind carrying me?" _she smirked at me.

I had passed her test.

This was about letting her take care of me, so that I could better take care of myself.

* * *

I stood in the shower trying to rest on my tip toes as much as possible which was only possible because Britt let me rest against her while she washed my body from head to foot. There was blood leaking onto the shower floor and I only noticed after it continued and dripped on top of my foot instead of from underneath them.

_"Is that blood?"_ Britt said as she looked to wear my eyes had fallen.

_"Yea...I don't know where it's coming from though."_ I said as I continued to look down.

_"Turn around and look at me."_ she said softly as she gripped my hips and slowly helped me turn to face her.

The moment that we were face to face, I watched her face scrunch up as she looked at my face.

_"What?"_ I asked as she examined me.

_"It's your nose. How much was in that bag?"_

_"It was my normal amount but it was...a...it was a speedball."_ I watched as her face got scrunched up.

_"What?"_

_"It was a mix of cocaine and heroin. I b-bought it last week."_ I dropped my head and l tried to hide my eyes from her. _"Right after that whole fight with Mami, after finding out about Brenda and mi Abuela...I was craving bad...so I walked down to the church and met an old friend."_

I felt her finger come under my chin and raise my head.

I looked up at the love of my life and watched her face crumbling as she stared in my eyes. This bit of news somehow was worse than me cheating. I wanted to look away but I couldn't...I watched in weird fascination as she cried.

I went to apologize...to say anything to make her tears dry up but she shook her head as she brought her damp hand to my face and wiped away the blood that I could now feel leaking down my face. I sucked in a breath as her lips came crashing straight down to my lips. I knew that my nose was still bleeding but she wasn't going to stop the kiss.

She gripped the back of my head and held me in place as she licked and nipped at my lips.

I melted against her as my back met the wall.

* * *

Before I knew it her hand was making it's way between us and she was inside of me.

I bit down hard on her lip and she began to go faster. She pulled her face away and I could see my blood on her face and it made me want to scream. I reached up to touch her face but she turned it from me and began to go faster and harder. My body was moving with her as I came again for the fourth time that morning.

I rested my face against her shoulder and allowed more tears to stream down my face.

She stayed inside of me and waited for me to finish my crying before she decided to move. I stood there looking at her face and allowed myself to feel her as she slowly started to move inside of me.

_"You know what you need to do right?"_ she whispered against my ear as she continued to make my whole body shake.

This was the way she wanted to talk...and I would oblige her. It was the least that I could do.

_"I need to go to rehab."_ I said quietly, admitting that earned me a flick to my clit. I gasped out and dropped my head to her shoulder again.

_"What else?"_

_"I need to tell the judge what I did and except the consequences before they drug test me."_ I moaned as almost immediately she began to move my clit with her other hand. I leaned my head back against the wall and came once again._ "Oh God...B!"_ I moaned.

_"Anything else?"_ she whispered against my ear before pulling it between her teeth and sucking hard on it.

_"Yes! I need to become a better wife and mother! I need to be grateful for my blessings...fuck! I need to honor my vows! Oh God! No more drugs! Unh!"_

With every promise she was going harder as she held me against the wall with her body. My head was still back as she sucked on my collarbone and gave one final thrust of her hand.

Fireworks exploded behind my eyes and the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders.

I lowered my face and looked her in the eyes.

She smiled at me with that huge smile of hers and then winked.

_"And I promise you that I will stand beside you every step of the way."_

_"Yea?" _I knew the answer but my insecurities wouldn't let me believe that she meant what she said.

She flicked my clit a few more times and kissed my mouth again.

This was her answer.

She was here now...even with everything that happened the night before.

So of course she would be there as I tried to get my life together, once and for all!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

After taking care of her nose and making sure that she was squeaky clean inside and out, I left her in the shower while I grabbed us two fluffy towels and then headed back to the bathroom.

I froze when I saw her in front of the sink gazing down at half of a line of cocaine still sitting there. I didn't move as I watched her hands twitch.

She didn't know I was watching...I could tell by the way she stared at the little crystals.

My heart lept when she brought her hand to the faucet and turned on the water. She hesitated one more second before sighing deeply and brushing the drugs into the sink. She cupped water in her hand and poured it on the edge of the sink and rinsed off anything that could have been left.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked forward. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her against me. She looked up at my reflection in the mirror and gave me a lopsided grin.

_"How long were you standing there?"_ She mumbled as she wrapped her hands around mine.

_"Long enough to see just how serious you are about getting better."_ I kissed the side of her face then wrapped the towel around her body. _"Now lets get a move on. We need to face the day."_

_"I was afraid that you would say that." _she whispered as she turned to face me. She smiled up at me and then hugged me._ "With you beside me...I know that I can make it through this."_

_"You bet, Ana...and after all of this is over. We can work on us. Make us more solid. I love you so much and I'm not going anywhere." _

_"Thank you for loving me even when I don't des-" _I put a finger to her lips and kissed her forehead.

_"You deserve the world...I'm not going to say it again." _I warned.

She looked at me with open, bright eyes and nodded with a slanted smirk on her face.

_"Okay, B. You deserve the best and from now on I'm going to give you the best of myself! I promise."_

* * *

Dani was screaming through the monitor as we entered the bedroom and from what I could tell, Izzy wasn't doing much better. I watched as Ana's faced dropped as she listened and then looked down at her chest.

_"I guess, I'm lucky that I pumped yesterday." _she mumbled as she sat on the edge of the bed looking defeated but determined._ "I never want to have to deprive her of anything ever again...this fucking sucks. Why didn't I think about my breast milk before snorting?"_

_"I'll get her, get dressed and don't lock this door...okay?" _I said as I quickly threw on a shirt and my favorite red lady boxers. I wanted her to understand that I was there for her but I needed her to understand that the trust between us had been tested and I was nervous about the harm that she could still cause herself.

She seemed to understand because she simply nodded and walked into the closet to get dressed. I hesitated in the doorway before stepping out into the hall. I ran straight into Quinn who was making her way down the stairs.

She threw her hands up and looked me straight in the eye.

_"I'm leaving. I'm going to go stay with Puck for a few days. Okay?"_

I nodded and walked into the nursery.

Izzy was standing against the bars of his crib looking over at his crying sister.

_"Mama...baby...cryie!"_ Izzy said as he pointed his finger towards Dani.

_"Thank you Izzy."_ I said as I picked up Dani. She immediately began sucking on my face as I held her in my arms. She was hungry and from what I could tell insanely wet.

How long had she been crying?

I laid her on the changing table and inspected her newly forming diaper rash. No wonder she was crying so hard. She was in pain.

Once I had her all clean and in a new diaper, Dani calmed down although she was still whining. Izzy was bouncing on his little feet humming the Elmo song as he watched me take care of the baby.

_"All better."_ I said to Dani as I kissed her cheeks.

_"All beyer!"_ Izzy tried to mimic me and it made me laugh.

_"Can I help?"_ I heard my wife's voice and was shocked to see that she was dressed and standing there with a bottle of milk and a burping cloth. Izzy looked at her and screeched.

_"Mami...up?"_ Ana looked at him and then at me, waiting for some direction.

I could tell that she didn't really trust herself at the moment. So I sat in the glider and held a hand out for the bottle.

_"Why don't you get him washed and dressed while I feed Dani...okay?"_ I said as she put the bottle in my hand.

_"Okay, B. Thank you."_ she said with a small smile as she picked up Izzy from his crib and spun him around slowly. I could see the pain in her face as her heels met the cold, hard wood of the floor.

_"Mami!"_ Izzy laughed as he screeched. I mock glared at them and Ana nodded in understanding.

She pressed a finger to her lips and Izzy did the same. He nodded and then rested his head on Ana's shoulder as she walked with him towards the bathroom.

_"I love you, Papa."_ she whispered.

_"Wuv you, Mami."_ he said as they left the room.

We would get back to us...one way or another.

* * *

Dani was back in her crib, fast asleep and Izzy was changed and fed by the time we saw anyone else that was in the house.

I was serving Ana breakfast in the kitchen, with Izzy happily watching in his high chair, when Sandra strolled into the kitchen with Damariz and Celia. Thankfully I had cooked way too much. I served the sisters and then myself. Everyone sat in the breakfast nook but thankfully they left the seat next to Ana open for me.

She needed me if they were about to ambush her like I knew that they would.

Ana though, looking more confident than ever looked at Sandra in the eyes and then at her other two sisters.

_"I'm going to rehab today. I'm checking myself in after I talk to the judge."_ she said strongly.

Damariz nodded and then reached her hand across the table. Ana looked at her for a long time before extending her hand out and allowing her older sister to take it. Just like that Sandra and Celia also joined hand with her and there was this huge moment of understanding between the four remaining sisters.

_"I will help Brittany with the kids...we all will. Okay?"_ Sandra said as she looked proudly at my wife.

_"Yea?"_ Ana said, momentarily showing her vulnerability.

_"Absolutely. You would do the same for us!"_ Damariz said.

_"I'm here for you...however you need me. No matter what."_ Celia said as she stared down her baby sister.

It made me wonder if Quinn had explained things to her.

Was she angry?

Was she going to snap at my wife later?

I needed to talk to Quinn...immediately.

_"Excuse me, ladies. I have to make a phone call. Take care of my wife...okay?"_ I said as I looked at them.

_"Always."_ Sandra said without batting an eyelash.

* * *

_**Did u tll Celia?-Britt**_

_**No...but I thnk she knws-Quinnie**_

_**How?-Britt**_

_**Idk...but she was acting diff. w/ me this mrng. I thnk we brke up. :(-Quinnie**_

_**No...rlly?-Britt**_

_**She tld me she needed a break.-Quinnie**_

_**Oh.-Britt**_

_**N e way. I'm Pucks. Im staying out of the way. Let me knw if u need me at all.-Quinnie**_

_**Thnks-Britt**_

I was floored.

How did Celia know?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Celia knew. Just by looking in her eyes, I could tell that she knew.

She was smart though, she knew that it might drive me back over the edge so she was staying quiet.

For now.

But I couldn't live like this...in a world of secrets.

_"I slept with Q, yesterday."_ I said as I looked Ceily in the eyes.

She screwed up her lips as she stabbed a pancake and just nodded her head.

_"You told us while you were out of it last night, Ana."_ Sandra said as she squeezed my hand.

I looked at them and they all nodded.

_"Fu-"_ Britt thankfully cut me off by walking in the room.

I had forgotten that Isaac was in the room with us.

_"Does Britt know?"_ Celia said as she looked between me and Britt.

_"Yea...I know."_ Britt said as she looked at my sister. _"And I forgave her." _

Celia nodded and looked at Britt in the eye.

_"I broke up with Quinn this morning...but I can't break up with my sister. Not after we just lost Brenda. So while I'm so pissed about it,"_ she stared at me with angry eyes. _"I will not leave your side in this. Not when you need me most."_

* * *

_"Judge Acevedo? This is Santana Lopez." _I had been leery about calling the judge myself, but it felt necessary for me to do this myself and not depend on my mother or anyone else to do it for me.

I had fucked up majorly and I needed to redeem myself. I needed to get clean.

My children were counting on me and I couldn't let them down anymore than I already had.

_"Ms. Lopez...how may I help you?"_

_"I violated my house arrest. I needed to tell you about it and was hoping that you would hear me out before sending me back to jail." _I said as I bounced Isaac softly. He was trying to take his nap and had been super cranky, so I was holding him tight. Feeling like this would be something that I wouldn't be able to do as much once I was away.

_"Is that right? Can you come in and see me?"_

_"With all do respect your honor, I feel that if I leave your office in handcuffs without being able to properly say goodbye to my children...I think that I might break."_ I admitted.

There was a pregnant pause as I waited anxiously for her to come down on me for being too forward.

_"Okay...I'm in a good mood. I'll allow you to talk to me over the phone...but please note that I am recording this conversation."_

_"Alright."_

_"State your name for the record."_

_"Santana Gladys Lopez."_

_"Tell me what happened?" _she sounded like she was being as patient as possible.

_"As you are probably already aware, yesterday, my ex-husband Marco Vega took his own life. That added to the fact that my children's father committed suicide last August, I was in a coma for nearly six months, what I believe is postpartum depression among other things, contributed to my breakdown yesterday. I violated the guidelines of my house arrest by using a mixture of cocaine and heroine last night. I nearly overdosed."_

_"And your aware of the weight of this admission?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I wanted to petition the court...I really would like to enter rehab...inpatient in lieu of going to jail. I want to clean up my life and I don't think jail is going to be enough."_

_"Ms. Lopez, I expect to see you in judge's chambers with your lawyer in two hours time or I will send a vehicle to pick you up. Do you understand?"_

_"Yes, your honor."_

_"Oh and Ms. Lopez?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Make sure you say goodbye to your children."_

My heart clenched as I squeezed Isaac in a hug.

_"Okay."_

* * *

Saying goodbye my children was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do.

They had no idea that I was leaving them for a while or why and I was grateful for that as I kissed them a dozen times before leaving them with my sisters.

Britt held my hand as we sat in the backseat of my mom's car. She and Sal were both drilling me about what I had said exactly to the judge and how insane I must have been to think that it was a good idea.

I rested my head on Britt's shoulder as she wrapped her arm around me and held me as I tried to be strong.

This was huge for me.

I had an addiction and it was getting in the way of my goals, my family, and my future.

Things had to change.

It all seemed like the biggest travesty in the world but I knew that I would make it through.

As we walked into the judge's chambers late that morning, I was settled in my decision and didn't feel like there was any other way.

This was what I needed and what I wanted.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I have never been prouder of my wife than the moment that she stood in front of the judge and the prosecutor and admitted to not only using but being an addict.

It was a long time coming and every bit as satisfying because this meant that she was actually going to get help!

It took me nearly killing Ana to get some help for my issues with my meds, I never wished that on my wife.

Things were definitely about to change and I am so excited that there will be something good to come out of this.

Hopefully, once all of this was over, we will be able to move on and put this in the past.

It's not going to be easy but the good stuff in life never is, right?

* * *

She held hands with Gladys like she was a little girl all over again and thankfully her mother didn't reject her.

I tried to keep a smile on my face as we say in recess...not a good use of that word by the way...Ana kept shooting me nervous looks as she talked to Gladys and Hector.

I just kept smiling, hoping to reassure her the best that I could.

The judge entered back in the room and everyone stood up. Just before the judge spoke, Ana looked back at me and winked.

_"Always and only you, B."_ she whispered.

_"Only you, Ana."_ I said back.

_"Ms. Lopez. I have met with the prosecutor and Mr. Vega's lawyer. I have gone over the very small amount of evidence that we have on you. Frankly these charges wouldn't stand a trial so the previous charges have been dropped."_

Ana sighed and nodded.

_"Thank you."_ she said respectfully.

_"However, you still violated court ordered house arrest. Given the honesty that you have shown I am sentencing you to 120 days of rehab and parental counseling at a center that is assigned by the court. You have twenty four hours to report to the center at which time, your sentence will begin. This is in lieu of a one year jail sentence. If at anytime you chose to leave the facility prior to the 120 days you will be remanded to custody to serve out the rest of your sentence in a prison facility. During the first 90 days you are not to have any outside visitors without express consent of the court. You will remain on the ankle monitoring device until your sentence has commenced. Do you understand your sentence?"_

_"Yes, your honor." _she stood there looking at the judge with a blank face and a gave a brief nod.

_"Good. I hope that you use this opportunity to get your life together."_

_"I will, thank you so much, your honor."_

_"Good luck Ms. Lopez. Case dismissed."_

* * *

The judge was allowing Ana twenty four hours thankfully. I was happy that I would be able to take her home so that she could see the kids again. She would be out of touch for 90 days before we could see her so, while she was getting the information from the judge's office and continued all the processing stuff, I called Sandra.

_"Hi, Brittany. What's going on?"_ I could hear that empty sound that told me that I was on speaker.

_"She has twenty four hours to report to rehab...then she can't have visitors for 90 days...do you think that you can get everyone together. Maybe have a big family dinner?" _

_"That's a great idea...do you want...should I call Quinn?"_ she sounded unsure.

_"You should talk to Ceily about that. I'm fine with it...she is Ana's best friend."_

_"What do you think Celia?"_ I heard Sandra ask. There was silence and then I heard one of the sisters clear their throat.

_"Yea...call her. This isn't about me, it's about Ana."_ Celia said.

_"Okay, it's settled then. We should be back home in about two hours, Ana wants to go to evening mass. Thanks for doing this. I know that Ana will really appreciate it."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life. Stuff that I'm not incredibly proud of and for the most part I have managed to get away with things that most people wouldn't and I have definitely taken that for granted.

I've never seen myself as a selfish brat but the more that I look at the last two years of my life, I realize just how selfish I have been. Everything that I have done since I lost the baby back when I was just a kid, has been about me trying to control every aspect of my life.

Perfect life...that's what I tried to portray.

Even after everything that happened that led up to graduation should have opened my eyes but I was naive.

Now that I have been tried and tested, I was able to stand up in front of the court and feel satisfaction at the fact that I was growing up and finally making decisions that weren't just about me.

My life was shitty...it had sucked pretty much with the constant physical and emotional abuse.

The drugs and alcohol definitely didn't help.

I wanted to be a parent that my kids could be proud of and even if that meant that I was going to miss Isaac's first birthday and I would miss those little milestones with Daniela, I knew that in the long run, those things wouldn't matter to my kids if I ended up being a washed up junkie.

I know that don't deserve my support network and I sure don't deserve her.

My wife.

I've done nothing short of torture her since we had gotten back from the hospital with Daniela but there she was, still standing there supporting me as I stood in front of the judge and waited for a sentence.

She held my hand as we walked out of the courthouse and held me close on the ride back to the house.

She was my anchor.

* * *

We parked the car on the street and then walked together down to the end of the block, the very perimeter of boundaries and walked into the huge Catholic Church that I hadn't visited enough.

This was our first time at mass together.

We held hands all through the service and towards the end when the priest came over, I didn't let go of her hand.

_"Santana. It's been a long time...I'm not sure you remember me..."_ he said as he held his hands out for me to take.

_"Father Carter...I remember you. I am surprised that you remembered me. Your church is the main reason that I chose a house right down the street. I fear that I haven't attended a single service in quite a while."_

_"And this young lady?"_

_"Oh...I'm sorry. This is my wife Brittany."_ I said as I brought a hand around to her lower back and leaned on her shoulder for a moment.

_"It's very nice to meet you, Brittany."_ She stood there shell shocked but then he smiled.

_"We are all God's children, Brittany. This is an affirming congregation. You are welcome here anytime."_

_"Thank you so much, father."_ Britt said with a smile on her face as she leaned into my side more comfortably.

_"Well Father Carter, I am headed to rehab tomorrow...which I am sure will will make you very happy...given that the last time you saw me...I wasn't in a very good place."_

_"Then my prayers have been answered. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers."_

_"Thank you...I need all the prayers that I can get."_

_"Peace be with you, Santana...Brittany." _

I felt warmth and peace, radiate through me as I held B's hand.

This was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

And it felt really, really good!

* * *

_"So how do you know him? The priest?"_ Britt asked as we strolled slowly down the street.

_"Do you really want to hear about that time in my life?"_ I asked, not wanting to burden her any further.

_"I want to know everything."_

_"Someday, we will sit and I will tell you about that whole summer if you want. Okay?"_

_"Okay...but this...tell me this?"_ she asked.

_"Do you remember at cheer camp when I sung that country song to you and you guys were all shocked that I had a thing for country music?"_ I had stopped midway down the block and was holding her hand on the sidewalk. I needed to tell her this while looking in her eyes. It was important to me.

_"Yeah...I loved that song."_

_"Well...I never really liked country before that summer."_

_"Yea?"_ she raised her eyebrows and blushed a bit. She knew that something was coming and was trying to prepare herself for it.

_"There was this guy, Tucker Crown, he was my favorite guy to escort, he was this huge country buff from Louisville, Kentucky. He had moved to New York to chase his dream of being a model. He was dealing with his sexuality and as a guy from the rural Kentucky and an up and coming model...he knew being gay was not a good thing. He paid me a thousand dollars an hour to teach him how to be straight. We fucked a lot...B, at least at first. It was always sweet and gentle...it's why I sought out a guy like Ian...because he reminded me of Tucker. He was devastated when he saw how hooked on blow I was becoming, we stopped having sex, he was just paying for my time. Each Wednesday and Saturday night until Marco found out and put a stop to it, Tucker and I would visit this church. It was what kept me from taking my own life after that girl died."_

_"Wow."_ Britt wiped at the tears in her eyes and then leaned forward and wiped mine.

_"So...when I was visiting the church and saw the house for sale, I bought it outright...thinking that if I ever got tempted to use again...that this place would help me to find my soul again."_

_"And what happened to Tucker?"_

I felt the wind knocked out of me as I thought of Tucker all bloodied and bruised.

_"Marco was pissed when he found out about Tucker's crusade to save me from the drugs. He beat him down right where we are standing..."_ I looked to the ground and took a deep breath. _"From that night on, all the guys that I escorted had to be approved by Marco. Tucker ended up going back to Kentucky and I haven't been able to track him down. Marco scared him pretty bad so I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened him about contacting me."_

Britt wrapped her arms around me and held me as I cried against her shoulder.

_"Thank you for telling me."_ she whispered against the side of my face and kissed my cheek. _"I'm so proud of the woman that you are becoming. Will you marry me again?" _

I looked up at her in shock.

Sure we were already married but this was different.

_"Ask me again when I'm clean."_ I said as I took her hand and leaned up to kiss his lips.

_"Deal."_ she said as she swung our hands between us and walked ahead towards the house.

Brittany had just given me even more incentive to get better.

She was offering me a legitimate chance to get it right.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

We walked into the house hand in hand, having made peace with some things in her past.

I could see in her eyes, how peaceful she was.

There was no sadness or turmoil in her eyes.

Last night had really shaken her to the core and made her see things differently.

So while I really want to kick Quinn in the teeth (I won't), I am glad that things happened the way that they did.

This helped my wife realize what she needed to do to get her life on track.

I wasn't going to be oblivious to it all though.

There was still a chance that this wouldn't change her addiction.

Once an addict, always an addict, that's what my therapist always says.

I'm an addict. I have abused my medication, I have hurt myself and others.

I have acknowledged it and although my stuff was more apparent than Ana's, she was finally getting to that point where she was taking responsibility for her own actions.

I wanted to marry her a million times! She had definitely blossomed into the woman that I could spend my life with.

* * *

Sandra had done an amazing job of making sure that everything was ready for us when we got to the house.

When we walked into the living room, Gladys held the baby in her arms and was singing to her while Hector sat with Izzy sleeping across his chest. Both of the kids looked cleaned and were dressed nicely. It looked like Easter.

Ana kissed the babies and then I pulled her with me to the kitchen where all the sound was coming from.

I pushed open the door and there inside was Sandra and Damariz stirring pots and Celia was having a deep discussion with Kurt and Quinn and Puck was taking something out of the oven while Beth sat in the nook, coloring.

Everyone was working together and no one seemed to be at any one's throat.

Ana squeezed my hand tightly. I looked down at her and could see the anxiety in her eyes.

_"You did this, B?"_

_"You needed to see your network." _

_"Hey...I'm so glad to see you!"_ I heard Ari's voice come from behind us and smiled.

Thank God for her.

I felt that if Ari hadn't been in the room with Ana, then things might have been worse.

* * *

Dinner went off without a hitch.

The conversation was light and my wife was smiling the entire time.

Nobody mentioned her breakdown or the cheating.

I could see her anxiety fade away as the time passed.

But as most things go in the Lopez clan, peace doesn't last forever.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My family was actually sitting around the table, laughing and joking.

My heart felt so full.

This was what I would come back to in four months.

I somehow ended up sitting between Kurt 'Ladyface' Hummel and NoNo Puckerman. Britt sat across from me and kept shooting me nervous glances for most of dinner and dessert. I could tell that she was hoping that the atmosphere stayed pleasant but I knew better. I had been a Lopez longer, after all.

It was never a matter of 'if' with my family, it was always a matter of 'when' and 'who'.

_"We should talk about why we are really here, don't you think?"_

Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner!

Celia, who by all means has every right to hate me, was choosing to be the one to bring up the big rainbow elephant in the room.

_"Is that really necessary?"_ Sorry Sandra, you know better. I thought as I finished off my last spoonful of rice.

It wasn't that I was going to avoid things but honestly, I was treading lightly about what I said to anyone, especially Celia.

_"Yes...it is."_ Celia deadpanned.

* * *

I still had time to change the sudden tension in the room and with my new found strength and conviction...I felt like I could handle it.

I pushed my plate away and then stood up so that everyone could see me.

_"Okay...lets set the record straight. Yes...Quinn and I slept together yesterday. Yes...I broke...I got high and just an FYI, my ex-husband killed himself yesterday. I am not proud of what I did. What I am proud of though is that despite most of you knowing most of this stuff already, you are still here. I know that I messed up...badly. I hope that someday you will understand how much your being here at this very moment means to me. I know that I can be a pain to deal with, especially over the last two years. I will spend the next 90 days separated from all of you...including my children...working through all my junk. I hope that when this full 120 days are up, that I can come back to you guys, clean and sober. I'm so sorry for all the pain that I have caused to all of you. I love you so much...and I'm going to prove it to not just you guys but to my wife, my kids and myself."_

I hadn't realized that I had been staring only at Brittany until I looked around and saw tears in everyone's eyes. I looked over at Celia and nodded towards the kitchen.

_"Can I talk to you alone for a second?" _She stared at me with an uncertain smile, she looked over at Quinn who had her head buried in her hands. Then she looked back at me.

_"I know it was a mistake...you don't have to take me to the side."_

_"Fine. Then just know that...Quinn and I...we got caught up in the moment. She is my best friend...and for years the lines have been a little too blurred...this time though...I think we realized that we aren't teenagers anymore. What we have is strictly a friendship...I'm sorry about it. I was sick about it...last night. I don't want the rift between you two...to cause her to not be around. She is the godmother to my children and Isaac is incredibly attached to her. My kids need all of you to stick around...so I hope you can put this aside for them...please?" _

I looked over at my friend and could see that she was emerging from her hands to rest her hazel eyes on me. She nodded and then looked over at Celia with watery eyes.

_"I'm so sorry...baby...please." _she whispered. Celia looked at her with an angry expression and then nodded to the kitchen.

_"Come talk to me about it."_ I was shocked to see my sister willing to talk this through.

_"Okay." _Quinn nearly knocked over her chair as she jumped to her feet and followed my sister into the kitchen.

I finally sat down and just looked around at everyone.

_"Anyone have anything else to say?" _I asked as I rested my elbows on the table.

_"Is there more pie?" _I cracked a smile when I looked over at NoNo and saw his puffed up cheeks as he held up an empty plate.

Leave it to Noah to know how to break the tension.

Thank goodness!

* * *

The time flew by.

I had slept cuddled with my son and my wife that night choosing to spend that time with my kids rather than having goodbye sex. I had given into my own urges for far too long and needed to remember why I was doing this.

That morning as I kissed my kids and said goodbye to my family, I felt so calm and collected.

Britt was allowed to stay with me all the way to check-in before I was forced to say goodbye to her. I had secretly been hoping that I made it into the same rehab as Rachel Berry just for company but I ended up at a treatment center in Long Island that was surrounded by a lot of trees and was very Catholic. I had been nervous about them seeing me and my wife but I got lucky that they were okay with the gays.

I took a deep breath as Britt walked away while giving me two thumbs up.

From that moment on, everything was going to be up to me.

Every failure and accomplishment in the next few months would be on my own merit.

My own sweat and tears.

When I was assigned a room on the first floor by the counseling center, I felt excited.

This was actually happening.

I was going to be worthy of all my blessings.

Of my wife.

My children.

And my family.

I was finally taking control of my life for the better.

I would no longer be so hard to love.

I had been through hell and God only knows what his plan was...and even though I wasn't quite sure why things had happened this was...my hope is that someday I will understand.

* * *

**A/N: That's all she wrote folks! I know that there are open ended things. I know that you all thought I was crazy for allowing Quinn and Santana to hook up in the last chapter. I hope that this ending was satisfying.**

**I am going to start work on the third and final chapter of this saga very soon. Within the week.**

**I am going to take this trilogy straight to the opening of Season 4.**

**Thank you for all of your adds, faves, reviews (good & bad). I hope that you enjoyed my foray into the darker side of this story.**


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